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NARCISISMO. Estrategias para identificar y convivir con narcisistas en una era en que el egoísmo es la norma
Obsesionados con los selfies y las redes sociales, vivimos en una era de narcisismo en la que la sociedad celebra este comportamiento desequilibrado en lugar de comprenderlo como un desorden psicológico. Los científicos comienzan a aprender que el narcisismo ocurre en un espectro (de igual manera que el autismo) y la mayoría de nosotros puede mostrar leves tendencias narcisistas.
No obstante una de cada veinte personas cae en una categoría que el doctor Burgo llama narcisista extremo, en la cual estas características egoístas resultan en un comportamiento destructivo que lastima no solo a la persona sino también a quienes la rodean, tanto a la familia y amigos como a los compañeros de trabajo.
Apoyándose en descripciones detalladas, viñetas de la practica del autor y biografías de celebridades, Narcisismo ofrece herramientas y soluciones fáciles de comprender que pueden usarse para suavizar situaciones hostiles y sobrevivir a los asaltos a nuestra autoestima en caso de encontrarse alguna vez en la órbita de un narcisista.
Escrito con claridad excepcional, el libro presenta estrategias eficaces para proteger y cuidar el bienestar emocional y la autoestima de todo el que deba convivir con el comportamiento destructivo del narcisista que tiene al lado.
No obstante una de cada veinte personas cae en una categoría que el doctor Burgo llama narcisista extremo, en la cual estas características egoístas resultan en un comportamiento destructivo que lastima no solo a la persona sino también a quienes la rodean, tanto a la familia y amigos como a los compañeros de trabajo.
Apoyándose en descripciones detalladas, viñetas de la practica del autor y biografías de celebridades, Narcisismo ofrece herramientas y soluciones fáciles de comprender que pueden usarse para suavizar situaciones hostiles y sobrevivir a los asaltos a nuestra autoestima en caso de encontrarse alguna vez en la órbita de un narcisista.
Escrito con claridad excepcional, el libro presenta estrategias eficaces para proteger y cuidar el bienestar emocional y la autoestima de todo el que deba convivir con el comportamiento destructivo del narcisista que tiene al lado.
264 pages, Paperback
First published September 22, 2015
239 people are currently reading
1731 people want to read
About the author
Joseph Burgo
10 books119 followersI'm a clinical psychologist and I write a blog about psychotherapy issues called After Psychotherapy. I also blog for Psychology Today and PsychCentral.
As a young man, I published a couple of works of genre fiction and I still write fiction, though lately my website and my new book on psychological defense mechanisms has taken most of my time.
I work with clients all over the work by Skype video and I love my practice. I have three children, two in college and one in high school. Apart from writing and my practice, I study classical piano, spend my summers in Colorado near Rocky Mountain National Park and enjoy my family. Oh, and I cook.
As a young man, I published a couple of works of genre fiction and I still write fiction, though lately my website and my new book on psychological defense mechanisms has taken most of my time.
I work with clients all over the work by Skype video and I love my practice. I have three children, two in college and one in high school. Apart from writing and my practice, I study classical piano, spend my summers in Colorado near Rocky Mountain National Park and enjoy my family. Oh, and I cook.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 114 reviews
August 3, 2023
Joseph Burgo is a clinical psychologist with over thirty years of practice under his belt. He clearly feels he's encountered enough narcissism to expound knowledgeably on the issue and has produced a light, anecdotally-driven discourse on the subject. He's created ten categories of perpetrator out of (what appears to me to be) whole cloth, and interspersed his definitions with armchair analyses of afflicted celebrity - among such: Madonna, Tiger Woods, Michael Jackson, Mel Gibson, Donald Trump, Lance Armstrong. Short on depth and interactional substance, it's all very, well, narcissistic if you will.
I can understand the desire to turn experience into financial profit, but this does not preclude a professional's ethical responsibility to follow through for the reader he has promised to assist. Burgo's defense against those extreme narcissists consists of the following: Stay away from them. If you can't, limit contact to the best of your ability. When confronted with narcissistic abuse, do not engage. Just pull back and wait for the storm to pass.
It seems fairly apparent to me that he's taken his own advice and resisted authentic engagement with whatever extreme narcissist he has happened to come across. So, really, how much defensive expertise exists here to draw upon? Not much. Those who have suffered at the hand of a narcissistic personality would do well to search for literature from an author who has actually had the stones to contend with one.
That is not this.
I can understand the desire to turn experience into financial profit, but this does not preclude a professional's ethical responsibility to follow through for the reader he has promised to assist. Burgo's defense against those extreme narcissists consists of the following: Stay away from them. If you can't, limit contact to the best of your ability. When confronted with narcissistic abuse, do not engage. Just pull back and wait for the storm to pass.
It seems fairly apparent to me that he's taken his own advice and resisted authentic engagement with whatever extreme narcissist he has happened to come across. So, really, how much defensive expertise exists here to draw upon? Not much. Those who have suffered at the hand of a narcissistic personality would do well to search for literature from an author who has actually had the stones to contend with one.
That is not this.
October 11, 2015
Eh. Readable, and a topic I like, but vaguely disappointing in some respects.
In this book, Joseph Burgo, Ph.D. discusses a topic I'm actually quite into -- the fact that many people who exhibit a variety of narcissistic behaviors don't necessarily meet full criteria for narcissistic personality disorder, but can be real pains to deal with all the same. Burgo describes many categories (a bit too overlapping in my opinion) of everyday narcissistic behavior: the hypersensitive person you always have to placate, the overly competitive bully, the narcissistic parent who either pushes their kid too hard, idealizes their kid, or denigrates their kid to serve their own ego, the superficial charmer, the deluded would-be rock star or leader, the know-it-all who won't stop talking, the self-righteous prig, the vindictive punisher, and the addict.
I mean, sure, it's pretty validating to read about these types (or behaviors) and say, hey -- I know that person! That being said, that experience comprised most of my enjoyment of the book. I didn't feel like I gained a whole lot of new insight (I may have read too much on this topic already).
I was also put off by the source material. Burgo draws heavily on psychodynamic and object relations theory, theories about which I'm a bit ambivalent although they do get some respect from a subgroup of psychologists. Reading his endnotes was a bit more disturbing. Many of Burgo's examples of narcissistic behavior are drawn from the lives of celebrities, sourced in biographies which I suspect fall somewhere on the tabloid continuum and are of questionable credibility. Maybe that's not relevant, since these sources simply provided illustrative anecdotes. But it still made me a bit skeptical about the book as a whole, given Burgo's standards for what constitutes acceptable source material (a self-published memoir by a woman who claims her ex-husband was a narcissist? Really?).
If you take out the anecdotes (some of which are admittedly juicy, including such celebrities as Sarah Palin, Michael Jackson, Madonna, etc.), Burgo actually isn't saying all that much. His subtypes of narcissistic behavior overlap quite a bit, and mostly seem to be variations on a theme. We've all encountered this behavior. So what?
In his final chapter, Burgo shares tips for dealing with narcissists in your life. Here, too, I was ambivalent. Even if they're family members of yours, Burgo says, sometimes you need to simply cut them out of your life. Wow. That's pretty dangerous advice, I think. Certainly, Murray Bowen and other respected therapists would not agree. And although there may arguably be a time when you need to completely cut off a family member, I personally think that in most cases, there are a lot of in-between options and things to try before you get to that point. Embracing emotional cutoff is not advice that I would wield as cavalierly as Burgo seems to.
That being said, this book was a quick read and extremely validating for those of us who find ourselves stuck dealing with the many manifestations of narcissistic behavior on multiple occasions. Although there was a lot of filler in my view, there were also some interesting anecdotes and good points that were made and I didn't mind reading it. Three stars it is.
In this book, Joseph Burgo, Ph.D. discusses a topic I'm actually quite into -- the fact that many people who exhibit a variety of narcissistic behaviors don't necessarily meet full criteria for narcissistic personality disorder, but can be real pains to deal with all the same. Burgo describes many categories (a bit too overlapping in my opinion) of everyday narcissistic behavior: the hypersensitive person you always have to placate, the overly competitive bully, the narcissistic parent who either pushes their kid too hard, idealizes their kid, or denigrates their kid to serve their own ego, the superficial charmer, the deluded would-be rock star or leader, the know-it-all who won't stop talking, the self-righteous prig, the vindictive punisher, and the addict.
I mean, sure, it's pretty validating to read about these types (or behaviors) and say, hey -- I know that person! That being said, that experience comprised most of my enjoyment of the book. I didn't feel like I gained a whole lot of new insight (I may have read too much on this topic already).
I was also put off by the source material. Burgo draws heavily on psychodynamic and object relations theory, theories about which I'm a bit ambivalent although they do get some respect from a subgroup of psychologists. Reading his endnotes was a bit more disturbing. Many of Burgo's examples of narcissistic behavior are drawn from the lives of celebrities, sourced in biographies which I suspect fall somewhere on the tabloid continuum and are of questionable credibility. Maybe that's not relevant, since these sources simply provided illustrative anecdotes. But it still made me a bit skeptical about the book as a whole, given Burgo's standards for what constitutes acceptable source material (a self-published memoir by a woman who claims her ex-husband was a narcissist? Really?).
If you take out the anecdotes (some of which are admittedly juicy, including such celebrities as Sarah Palin, Michael Jackson, Madonna, etc.), Burgo actually isn't saying all that much. His subtypes of narcissistic behavior overlap quite a bit, and mostly seem to be variations on a theme. We've all encountered this behavior. So what?
In his final chapter, Burgo shares tips for dealing with narcissists in your life. Here, too, I was ambivalent. Even if they're family members of yours, Burgo says, sometimes you need to simply cut them out of your life. Wow. That's pretty dangerous advice, I think. Certainly, Murray Bowen and other respected therapists would not agree. And although there may arguably be a time when you need to completely cut off a family member, I personally think that in most cases, there are a lot of in-between options and things to try before you get to that point. Embracing emotional cutoff is not advice that I would wield as cavalierly as Burgo seems to.
That being said, this book was a quick read and extremely validating for those of us who find ourselves stuck dealing with the many manifestations of narcissistic behavior on multiple occasions. Although there was a lot of filler in my view, there were also some interesting anecdotes and good points that were made and I didn't mind reading it. Three stars it is.
December 1, 2022
Gossipy stories about a bunch of jerks. The author makes a big deal at the start about how he is not using the DSM clinical definition of "narcissist." OK fine, but then "narcissist" becomes this loose term that he can use willy-nilly for various celebrities, patients, etc. What they seem to have in common is that they are selfish, lack empathy, hurt others, etc. There's a lot of Freudian blahblah about how this all comes from childhood abandonment and whatnot. We learn the standard wisdom that narcissists actually feel very insecure, but then get a conflation of their inferiority complex with the trendy word "shame" even though what the author describes over and over again is shamelessness, which is the opposite of actual shame. The point of the whole book is supposed to be practical advice for dealing with these people (including if you are one) but there's just a little of that tacked on after the stories. I think there are better books on related topics.
The Sociopath Next Door
Talking to Crazy: How to Deal with the Irrational and Impossible People in Your Life
The Sociopath Next Door
Talking to Crazy: How to Deal with the Irrational and Impossible People in Your Life
October 20, 2015
With only 1% of the US population actually meeting the DSM diagnostic criteria for the Narcissistic Personality Disorder, practicing psychotherapist psychoanalyst Dr. Joseph Burgo examines the psychological traits that pertain to 5% of the population: "the extreme narcissist" in his highly informative comprehensive "The Narcissist You Know: Defending Yourself Against Extreme Narcissists in an All-About-Me Age".
Narcissism is a popular catch-all term, over used at times for those difficult people- hard to get along with and understand. Dr. Burgo explains the distinctive personality traits in each chapter, using celebrities as examples: from the fragile easily wounded, the winner-loser mentality and the bully, the seductive narcissist, the grandiose, the know-it-all, the self righteous, the addicted narcissist. Readers will be able to identify people they know, and that surprisingly, these are learned behaviors often from parent to child.
Narcissism is always a result from deep hurt and pain, and as long as we judge their offensive behaviors and actions, we aren't any better. Dale Carnegie observed that most people will get defensive when criticized even if it well deserved and accurate. To "roll over" to protect from an attack requires a strong sense of character and belief in self-worth without a need for validation. Dr. Burgo offers expert advise in dealing with the self-importance and sense of entitlement, controlling, blaming others, lack of empathy, remorse, and no regard for the feelings/rights of others. It is wise to note that the extreme narcissist can easily find the existence of another person offensive. In the work place, however, it may be necessary to find another job. The vindictive narcissist can be dangerous with irrational intent, and is capable of doing great harm.
This is an important and highly recommended read, free of scientific data, terms and statistics. A reading list for further study is provided. With thanks to the Seattle Public Library.
Narcissism is a popular catch-all term, over used at times for those difficult people- hard to get along with and understand. Dr. Burgo explains the distinctive personality traits in each chapter, using celebrities as examples: from the fragile easily wounded, the winner-loser mentality and the bully, the seductive narcissist, the grandiose, the know-it-all, the self righteous, the addicted narcissist. Readers will be able to identify people they know, and that surprisingly, these are learned behaviors often from parent to child.
Narcissism is always a result from deep hurt and pain, and as long as we judge their offensive behaviors and actions, we aren't any better. Dale Carnegie observed that most people will get defensive when criticized even if it well deserved and accurate. To "roll over" to protect from an attack requires a strong sense of character and belief in self-worth without a need for validation. Dr. Burgo offers expert advise in dealing with the self-importance and sense of entitlement, controlling, blaming others, lack of empathy, remorse, and no regard for the feelings/rights of others. It is wise to note that the extreme narcissist can easily find the existence of another person offensive. In the work place, however, it may be necessary to find another job. The vindictive narcissist can be dangerous with irrational intent, and is capable of doing great harm.
This is an important and highly recommended read, free of scientific data, terms and statistics. A reading list for further study is provided. With thanks to the Seattle Public Library.
November 7, 2020
خودشیفتهای که میشناسی.
این کتاب روانشناسی به یکی از مهمترین تله های رفتاری می پردازد که افراد به درجات مختلفی در آن گیر می افتند.
حدس ميزنم كه مخاطبان اين كتاب فراوان خواهند شد، نه به اين علت كه مخاطبان براي رفع يك رذيلت اخلاقي و رواني در خودشان يعني «خودشيفتگي» به آن مراجعه ميكنند بلكه براي آنكه خيل عظيم خودشيفتگان دور و بر خود را بازشناسي كنند و چنانكه زير عنوان كتاب ميگويد از خود در برابر ايشان دفاع كنند. اما واقعيت آن است چنانكه جوزف بارگو نويسنده اين كتاب در مقدمه آن تاكيد كرده، هدف از آن انگ زدن به ديگران و خودشيفته خواندن آنها نيست بلكه مهمتر از هر چيزي، شناختن خودشيفتگي به عنوان صفتي بر رفتارهاي انسانها بهطور كلي است، اينكه انسان دريابد كه چگونه واكنشهاي تدافعياش او را به انساني خودشيفته بدل ميكند و ضمن آن ياد بگيرد كه چطور گرايشهاي خودشيفتهوار را تشخيص دهد و بر آنها لگام بزند.
لینک بررسی کتاب در کتاب باز توسط دکترشکوری:
https://www.instagram.com/tv/CHNb_5vH...
به قول بارگو اين روزها با گسترش شبكههاي اجتماعي و امكان خودنمايي همگان در فضاي مجازي به نظر ميرسد كه همه خودشيفتهاند. البته او تاكيد ميكند كه كاربرد فراوان اين اصطلاح در عرف روز سبب شده كه معناي دقيق آن از دست برود بههمين دليل او در اين كتاب خواندني و جذاب كوشيده تا سر حد امكان با استفاده از تحقيقات علمي و تجربي، معناي دقيق اين مفهوم را نشان بدهد. او در فصل اول ويژگيهاي اختلال شخصيت خودشيفته را براساس تعريف انجمن روانپزشكي امريكا بررسي ميكند و در باقي كتاب به آدمهايي ميپردازد كه آنها را «خودشيفته حاد» ميخواند؛ آدمهايي خودپسند، اعصاب خردكن و بلكه خطرناك. در فصول مختلف اين كتاب از خلال روايتهايي از آدمهايي حقيقي با شخصيتهايي چون
خودشيفته قلدرمآب، خودشيفته اغواگر، خودشيفته خود بزرگ بين، خودشيفته همهچيزدان، خودشيفته خودبرحق بين، خودشيفته انتقامجو و خودشيفته دچار اعتياد
آشنا ميشويم و نويسنده درنهايت در فصل ي11 نحوه طرف شدن با فرد خودشيفته (حاد) را ميآموزد. نكته مهم اما آن است كه تصور نكنيم، خودشيفتگي حالتي است كه صرفا گريبان ديگران را ميگيرد و اين كتاب و آثاري مشابه چون آن را به ابزارهايي براي تحقير و تخريب و برچسب زدن به ديگران تلقي نكنيم.
اعتمادنیوز
این کتاب روانشناسی به یکی از مهمترین تله های رفتاری می پردازد که افراد به درجات مختلفی در آن گیر می افتند.
حدس ميزنم كه مخاطبان اين كتاب فراوان خواهند شد، نه به اين علت كه مخاطبان براي رفع يك رذيلت اخلاقي و رواني در خودشان يعني «خودشيفتگي» به آن مراجعه ميكنند بلكه براي آنكه خيل عظيم خودشيفتگان دور و بر خود را بازشناسي كنند و چنانكه زير عنوان كتاب ميگويد از خود در برابر ايشان دفاع كنند. اما واقعيت آن است چنانكه جوزف بارگو نويسنده اين كتاب در مقدمه آن تاكيد كرده، هدف از آن انگ زدن به ديگران و خودشيفته خواندن آنها نيست بلكه مهمتر از هر چيزي، شناختن خودشيفتگي به عنوان صفتي بر رفتارهاي انسانها بهطور كلي است، اينكه انسان دريابد كه چگونه واكنشهاي تدافعياش او را به انساني خودشيفته بدل ميكند و ضمن آن ياد بگيرد كه چطور گرايشهاي خودشيفتهوار را تشخيص دهد و بر آنها لگام بزند.
لینک بررسی کتاب در کتاب باز توسط دکترشکوری:
https://www.instagram.com/tv/CHNb_5vH...
به قول بارگو اين روزها با گسترش شبكههاي اجتماعي و امكان خودنمايي همگان در فضاي مجازي به نظر ميرسد كه همه خودشيفتهاند. البته او تاكيد ميكند كه كاربرد فراوان اين اصطلاح در عرف روز سبب شده كه معناي دقيق آن از دست برود بههمين دليل او در اين كتاب خواندني و جذاب كوشيده تا سر حد امكان با استفاده از تحقيقات علمي و تجربي، معناي دقيق اين مفهوم را نشان بدهد. او در فصل اول ويژگيهاي اختلال شخصيت خودشيفته را براساس تعريف انجمن روانپزشكي امريكا بررسي ميكند و در باقي كتاب به آدمهايي ميپردازد كه آنها را «خودشيفته حاد» ميخواند؛ آدمهايي خودپسند، اعصاب خردكن و بلكه خطرناك. در فصول مختلف اين كتاب از خلال روايتهايي از آدمهايي حقيقي با شخصيتهايي چون
خودشيفته قلدرمآب، خودشيفته اغواگر، خودشيفته خود بزرگ بين، خودشيفته همهچيزدان، خودشيفته خودبرحق بين، خودشيفته انتقامجو و خودشيفته دچار اعتياد
آشنا ميشويم و نويسنده درنهايت در فصل ي11 نحوه طرف شدن با فرد خودشيفته (حاد) را ميآموزد. نكته مهم اما آن است كه تصور نكنيم، خودشيفتگي حالتي است كه صرفا گريبان ديگران را ميگيرد و اين كتاب و آثاري مشابه چون آن را به ابزارهايي براي تحقير و تخريب و برچسب زدن به ديگران تلقي نكنيم.
اعتمادنیوز
October 8, 2015
Continuing my reading about psychological disorders, and this is a good entry with regard to narcissism, and particularly people who show narcissistic traits without meeting the DSM definition of someone with narcissistic personality disorder. I liked how Burgo points out that everyone has narcissistic tendencies. We all have those moments where our own interests and needs trump those of the folks around us. So this will definitely keep me thinking, and striving to be less self-centered. (Stylistic note: the one thing I really hated in this book is the way so many key phrases are italicized. Like, one every paragraph. After a while, it felt like the author didn't trust me to get the point without a big, flashing sign.)
February 15, 2016
This was kind of boring and the author ended up coming off as pretty narcissistic himself. Overall this was mediocre and there are much more interesting psychology books out there that are equally as easy to understand for non-professionals.
Received from NetGalley.
Received from NetGalley.
October 20, 2024
This is a very interesting topic and this book is not without interest or merit but I find it unsatisfactory on a number of levels. I hope with this review that I am not identifying myself as an extreme narcissist. In essence the message of this book is simple and, frankly, depressing.
Burgo seems to be arguing a theory that extreme narcissism (as opposed to clinical narcissistic personality disorder) is relatively common and is the result of what he terms "core shame" in the narcissist, caused by traumatic incidents in childhood that has somehow stunted the empathy and self-esteem of the sufferer. This is a theme that is consistent and he continually argues for it but I am not entirely convinced of his line of argument.
Firstly, while it makes some sense, it suffers from the usual argument of sample bias in my view and is over simplistic. What about all those people who suffer severe childhood trauma and don't turn into narcissists? What about children of extreme narcissists who don't follow the pattern? This question isn't even discussed. In addition, the narrative is sprinkled with breathtaking generalizations presented as truth. The most egregious is, to me, his take on adoption at birth. I am such an individual and to hear, presented as accepted wisdom that this is ALWAYS a traumatic experience for the baby is infuriating and glib. I don't buy it for a minute and makes me doubt much of what is written with such blase assurance here.
Also, I am minded of Maslow's perceptive comment that "when the only tool you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail". He brings in both celebrity case studies ranging from Trump to Michael Jackson to Mel Gibson to support his case and I am not at all convinced the case is made for all of them. He describes addiction in narcissistic terms which I also find over simplistic in the extreme and whilst possibly a factor in some situations, seems a reach as an explanation and I find it forced. Addiction is a complex matter and I find his arguments minimize that.
Add to that, the call is to understand and empathize with narcissists who are "suffering" from their deep shame and are essentially incurable. This then puts the emphasis on YOU to change and avoid the situation. He admits that this is difficult but we need to understand how the other person has a fragile sense of self-esteem and this is their reaction to having that threatened. Oh great. So the only real solution to a narcissist, the "defending yourself" of the title, is to disengage. Very helpful. The text here gives you some tools to identify narcissistic behavior but precious little in the way of solutions and, I'm sorry, but I won't sit around singing kumbaya when an obvious narcissist like Trump bludgeons his way through the World.
There is a lot of therapist assumption going on here in my opinion and I find this unsatisfactory and uncheckable. I think it suffers, at least at this level of narrative, from similar critiques of psychoanalysis. In other words it starts from an unproven (and in my mind unprovable) assumption and then builds a theory and an explanation of behavior on this sky foundation. Foe example: severe childhood trauma/stress/bad parenting leads to a concept of "deep shame" and thence to narcissism as a way to protect oneself from this unconscious sense of shame. Convenient, but I think over simplistic and perhaps AN explanation of SOME narcissism, but not all.
However, I may be wrong and Burgo is the expert, but I don't find his case totally persuasive and his advice on dealing with it when you find it is trite and unhelpful. Maybe that is the truth of the matter and we just need to accept narcissism as a vile character trait that can't be treated and when you see it, run away (if you can) or pander to the fragile self-worth of the narcissist if you can't. That is really depressing. Having said that, some of the anecdotes are interesting and we have all come across narcissists in our lives and the different types were well explained and enlightening. I have critiqued this quite hard but I still feel I know a little more about this horrible personality type than I did before - I'm just not convinced the reason for all of them is well explained here.
Burgo seems to be arguing a theory that extreme narcissism (as opposed to clinical narcissistic personality disorder) is relatively common and is the result of what he terms "core shame" in the narcissist, caused by traumatic incidents in childhood that has somehow stunted the empathy and self-esteem of the sufferer. This is a theme that is consistent and he continually argues for it but I am not entirely convinced of his line of argument.
Firstly, while it makes some sense, it suffers from the usual argument of sample bias in my view and is over simplistic. What about all those people who suffer severe childhood trauma and don't turn into narcissists? What about children of extreme narcissists who don't follow the pattern? This question isn't even discussed. In addition, the narrative is sprinkled with breathtaking generalizations presented as truth. The most egregious is, to me, his take on adoption at birth. I am such an individual and to hear, presented as accepted wisdom that this is ALWAYS a traumatic experience for the baby is infuriating and glib. I don't buy it for a minute and makes me doubt much of what is written with such blase assurance here.
Also, I am minded of Maslow's perceptive comment that "when the only tool you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail". He brings in both celebrity case studies ranging from Trump to Michael Jackson to Mel Gibson to support his case and I am not at all convinced the case is made for all of them. He describes addiction in narcissistic terms which I also find over simplistic in the extreme and whilst possibly a factor in some situations, seems a reach as an explanation and I find it forced. Addiction is a complex matter and I find his arguments minimize that.
Add to that, the call is to understand and empathize with narcissists who are "suffering" from their deep shame and are essentially incurable. This then puts the emphasis on YOU to change and avoid the situation. He admits that this is difficult but we need to understand how the other person has a fragile sense of self-esteem and this is their reaction to having that threatened. Oh great. So the only real solution to a narcissist, the "defending yourself" of the title, is to disengage. Very helpful. The text here gives you some tools to identify narcissistic behavior but precious little in the way of solutions and, I'm sorry, but I won't sit around singing kumbaya when an obvious narcissist like Trump bludgeons his way through the World.
There is a lot of therapist assumption going on here in my opinion and I find this unsatisfactory and uncheckable. I think it suffers, at least at this level of narrative, from similar critiques of psychoanalysis. In other words it starts from an unproven (and in my mind unprovable) assumption and then builds a theory and an explanation of behavior on this sky foundation. Foe example: severe childhood trauma/stress/bad parenting leads to a concept of "deep shame" and thence to narcissism as a way to protect oneself from this unconscious sense of shame. Convenient, but I think over simplistic and perhaps AN explanation of SOME narcissism, but not all.
However, I may be wrong and Burgo is the expert, but I don't find his case totally persuasive and his advice on dealing with it when you find it is trite and unhelpful. Maybe that is the truth of the matter and we just need to accept narcissism as a vile character trait that can't be treated and when you see it, run away (if you can) or pander to the fragile self-worth of the narcissist if you can't. That is really depressing. Having said that, some of the anecdotes are interesting and we have all come across narcissists in our lives and the different types were well explained and enlightening. I have critiqued this quite hard but I still feel I know a little more about this horrible personality type than I did before - I'm just not convinced the reason for all of them is well explained here.
October 26, 2016
I have read many books about narcissism and the ego and this book is simply amazing. It goes into details about the different types of narcissists and why they have developed these types of personalities based on the common premise of core shame from childhood. We all know or have known people that are so difficult to be around and work with, family members, friends, co-workers.
This book tells stories of famous people we all know and shows how each one has a background and family history that shaped their narcissism and their personal "type" of narcissism from the bully, to the grandiose personality to the "know it all" to the martyr and more. shows through examples of each, Steve Jobs, Lance Armstrong, Tiger Woods, and from personal clients that Joseph Burgo has counseled. A great book for anyone trying to figure out what the hell is wrong with this person in your life that leaves you overwhelmed and drained just by their presence.
Do you feel confused? Like you are walking on egg shells? nervous? You are probably in a relationship with a narcissist. Read this book, it's an easy and intelligent read. You won't be sorry and it could help you next time you encounter this personality type.
This book tells stories of famous people we all know and shows how each one has a background and family history that shaped their narcissism and their personal "type" of narcissism from the bully, to the grandiose personality to the "know it all" to the martyr and more. shows through examples of each, Steve Jobs, Lance Armstrong, Tiger Woods, and from personal clients that Joseph Burgo has counseled. A great book for anyone trying to figure out what the hell is wrong with this person in your life that leaves you overwhelmed and drained just by their presence.
Do you feel confused? Like you are walking on egg shells? nervous? You are probably in a relationship with a narcissist. Read this book, it's an easy and intelligent read. You won't be sorry and it could help you next time you encounter this personality type.
October 26, 2016
هذا الكتاب من الكتب الرائعة، التي تشرح جانب انساني خطير ومستفيض كالنرجسية، حيث يقول الكتاب بأن هذا الزمن (زمن السيلفي والبرامج والهواتف الذكية التي جعلت منا أناس تعشق الظهور والشهرة) جعلنا نرجسيين بامتياز.
والنرجسية على حد وصفه، هي احساس بالعار الداخلي والبؤس، يطفو على سطح الشخصية في قوالب عديدة، فهناك الإنسان النرجسي المهووس بمظهره، والآخر المهووس بنجاحه، والآخر بسمعته وقوته، وهذه كلها أقنعة يضعونها حتى تخفي باطنهم الموجوع والحزين.
كتاب جميل حقا :)
والنرجسية على حد وصفه، هي احساس بالعار الداخلي والبؤس، يطفو على سطح الشخصية في قوالب عديدة، فهناك الإنسان النرجسي المهووس بمظهره، والآخر المهووس بنجاحه، والآخر بسمعته وقوته، وهذه كلها أقنعة يضعونها حتى تخفي باطنهم الموجوع والحزين.
كتاب جميل حقا :)
September 9, 2021
I didn’t realise how many narcissists I knew until I read this book. This book has actually made me more overprotective of my nieces and nephews because I now know they have an overindulgent narcissistic father and their mother is a grandiose narcissist.
Reading about the effects that can have on their kids has made me want to try to find different ways that other people in our family can help them.
Reading about the effects that can have on their kids has made me want to try to find different ways that other people in our family can help them.
September 6, 2021
Hard to give 4 stars to a book that is uncomfortable reading, but I think they are well earned. I went into this knowing that some reviewers criticise Burgo for saying, essentially, that the best way to defend yourself from extreme narcissists is to avoid them.
Given that the only alternative advice I can find out there is, essentially, to appease them, I have to say that I prefer Burgo's approach. Even if avoiding them is not always possible, at least it doesn't dole out any false hope of you being able to improve the situation.
I've read a lot around the topic, but this is my first full book about narcissists. It's a fairly easy read and a good introduction. It describes the most common behaviours of different types of narcissists, so helps you stay aware of when you're being played. This at least helps to reassure me that I'm not imagining some of the stuff I've experienced; narcissists are indeed manipulative and good at making you doubt yourself.
I have realised that I'm no match for the narcissist in my life and he will continue to mess with my head if I engage with him. My best defence is to steer clear, and if I can't do that, at least I can refuse to engage with the dramas he creates.
Burgo does describe some of the roots of narcisism, including shame. I like that he manages to be empathetic without in any way condoning narcissistic behaviour. And while he encourages the reader to have empathy for narcissists, he doesn't push it too far and encourages you to stay realistic and critical too. Since narcissists are good at making you feel like things are your fault, not theirs, and that you are the bad person, not them, Burgo's approach is extremely reassuring and supportive.
Like this review? Why not check out my book review site: BelEdit Book Reviews?
Given that the only alternative advice I can find out there is, essentially, to appease them, I have to say that I prefer Burgo's approach. Even if avoiding them is not always possible, at least it doesn't dole out any false hope of you being able to improve the situation.
I've read a lot around the topic, but this is my first full book about narcissists. It's a fairly easy read and a good introduction. It describes the most common behaviours of different types of narcissists, so helps you stay aware of when you're being played. This at least helps to reassure me that I'm not imagining some of the stuff I've experienced; narcissists are indeed manipulative and good at making you doubt yourself.
I have realised that I'm no match for the narcissist in my life and he will continue to mess with my head if I engage with him. My best defence is to steer clear, and if I can't do that, at least I can refuse to engage with the dramas he creates.
Burgo does describe some of the roots of narcisism, including shame. I like that he manages to be empathetic without in any way condoning narcissistic behaviour. And while he encourages the reader to have empathy for narcissists, he doesn't push it too far and encourages you to stay realistic and critical too. Since narcissists are good at making you feel like things are your fault, not theirs, and that you are the bad person, not them, Burgo's approach is extremely reassuring and supportive.
Like this review? Why not check out my book review site: BelEdit Book Reviews?
January 3, 2021
در ابتدا:
من کتاب رو به نام
خودشیفتهای که میشناسی
دفاع از خود در برابر خودشیفتههای حاد
ترجمهی آقای کوروش کامیاب و چاپ اول نشر کرگدن خوندم؛ ترجمه بسیار عالی، فنی و روان بود و ویراستاری هم تمیز و لایق توجه.
سپس:
کتاب در یازده فصل به بررسی انواع مختلف خودشیفتگی و ریشههای اون در شرم میپردازه و بسیاری از رفتارهای روزانه ولی خارجِ آدم ما و اطرافیانمون رو حلاجی میکنه. در ضمن همین جا خواننده رو رها نمیکنه و راهکارهایی هر چند مختصر رو مطرح میکنه.
کتاب در سبک نوین روانشناسی پرمثال و قصه و بسیار خوشخوان نوشته شده و بارها و بارها در حین خوانش و شاید (حدس میزنم) تا سالها آدم رو به تفکر وا میداره.
در کل خوندن این کتاب رو به هر کسی که دوست دارم توصیه میکنم که میدونم میتونه از فجایع جبران ناپذیری در زندگی هر فرد جلوگیری کنه.
کوتاه از کتاب:
"خلاصه اینکه طرف شدن با خوی و خصلتهای خودشیفتهوارِ دیگران بیشتر وقت ها معنایش طرف شدن با خودشیفتهای است که بهتر از همه میشناسیدش اما شاید کمتر از همه او را فهمیدهاید.
خودشیفتهای که در آینه روبهروی شماست."
من کتاب رو به نام
خودشیفتهای که میشناسی
دفاع از خود در برابر خودشیفتههای حاد
ترجمهی آقای کوروش کامیاب و چاپ اول نشر کرگدن خوندم؛ ترجمه بسیار عالی، فنی و روان بود و ویراستاری هم تمیز و لایق توجه.
سپس:
کتاب در یازده فصل به بررسی انواع مختلف خودشیفتگی و ریشههای اون در شرم میپردازه و بسیاری از رفتارهای روزانه ولی خارجِ آدم ما و اطرافیانمون رو حلاجی میکنه. در ضمن همین جا خواننده رو رها نمیکنه و راهکارهایی هر چند مختصر رو مطرح میکنه.
کتاب در سبک نوین روانشناسی پرمثال و قصه و بسیار خوشخوان نوشته شده و بارها و بارها در حین خوانش و شاید (حدس میزنم) تا سالها آدم رو به تفکر وا میداره.
در کل خوندن این کتاب رو به هر کسی که دوست دارم توصیه میکنم که میدونم میتونه از فجایع جبران ناپذیری در زندگی هر فرد جلوگیری کنه.
کوتاه از کتاب:
"خلاصه اینکه طرف شدن با خوی و خصلتهای خودشیفتهوارِ دیگران بیشتر وقت ها معنایش طرف شدن با خودشیفتهای است که بهتر از همه میشناسیدش اما شاید کمتر از همه او را فهمیدهاید.
خودشیفتهای که در آینه روبهروی شماست."
September 4, 2021
Kolejna książka na mojej drodze poznawania zakrętów narcyzmu. I kolejna dobra.
Wbrew tytułowi, tym razem nie skupiamy się tylko na szukaniu narcyzów obok nas, ale również w nas samych. Tak, tak, jak się bliżej przyjrzeć, to każdy z nas jest tym dotknięty, w mniejszym lub większym stopniu.
Robimy cos charytatywnie. Ale czy tylko dlatego, że chcemy komuś pomóc? Może również dlatego, żeby poczuć się lepiej, żeby zobaczyć się w lepszym świetle, żeby inni zobaczyli, jacy jesteśmy wspaniali? Współuzależniamy się od alkoholików, hazardzistów... Z jakich powodów to robimy? Dlaczego nie pozwalamy osobie uzależnionej wyjść z nałogu? Może żeby mieć poczucie, że jesteśmy lepsi, bardziej godni podziwu, szacunku, współczucia dla naszego bohaterstwa. To my jesteśmy zwycięzcami, a inni nieudacznikami i tak ma pozostać. Jeśli alkoholik wyjdzie z nałogu, to on zostanie bohaterem, a my schowamy się w jego cieniu. Więc podświadomie mówimy temu: nie.
Świat według narcyza: zwycięzcy i nieudacznicy. Pomiędzy tymi dwoma skrajnościami niewiele jest miejsca na coś więcej. Myślę, że to ciekawe podejście, tym bardziej, że poparte wieloma przykładami. Dyskutowanie z narcyzem, tłumaczenie mu czegokolwiek z góry skazane jest na niepowodzenie. On nie przyjmie żadnych opinii, żadnych argumentów. Jemu zależy tylko na tym, żeby nikt nie odkrył jego słabości, jego wstydu. Żeby nie został zaliczony do kategorii nieudaczników, tych pokonanych.
Oczywiście jest tylko niewielki odsetek ludzi, którzy spełniają psychologiczna definicję narcyza. Ale kim jest osoba, której brakło jednego punktu? A czy taka, która znalazła się na samym dole skali jest całkowicie od niego wolna?
Narcyz uwodziciel, narcyz mściciel, wszechwiedzący, uzależniony, megaloman, prześladowca, narcystyczny rodzic... to zjawisko ma wiele twarzy. Często takich ludzi nazywa się toksycznymi. Jest w nich coś, co nas denerwuje, nie lubimy ich i często nawet nie potrafimy określić dlaczego.
Susan Forward w swojej świetnej książce "Toksyczni ludzie" sprowadza wszystko do zazdrości i coś w tym jest. Autor "Narcyza obok ciebie" tłumaczy to rdzennym wstydem. Z jego powodu czujemy się gorsi od innych, wybrakowani, nieudani. Bo ojciec pił, bo matka porzuciła, bo żyliśmy w biedzie, bo... To rodzi zazdrość i chęć zniszczenia kogoś, kto w naszych oczach jest lepszy. Na pewno się z tym spotkaliście. Plotkujący sąsiad, kopiący dołki współpracownik, szef, który boi się pracownika osiągającego dobre wyniki w pracy... Oni mają swoje powody, żeby nienawidzić, choć osobie postronnej niedane będzie do nich dotrzeć. Nawet sam narcyz przeważnie nie ma w to wglądu. Każda osoba w jakikolwiek lepsza od niego jest zagrożeniem i celem do zniszczenia.
Na koniec autor proponuje metody radzenia sobie z narcyzem. Niestety, nie dla mnie. Do tego trzeba mieć zawodowe przygotowanie i, co najważniejsze, dystans, co jest niemożliwe w bliskich relacjach.
Zdecydowanie polecam lekturę.
Wbrew tytułowi, tym razem nie skupiamy się tylko na szukaniu narcyzów obok nas, ale również w nas samych. Tak, tak, jak się bliżej przyjrzeć, to każdy z nas jest tym dotknięty, w mniejszym lub większym stopniu.
Robimy cos charytatywnie. Ale czy tylko dlatego, że chcemy komuś pomóc? Może również dlatego, żeby poczuć się lepiej, żeby zobaczyć się w lepszym świetle, żeby inni zobaczyli, jacy jesteśmy wspaniali? Współuzależniamy się od alkoholików, hazardzistów... Z jakich powodów to robimy? Dlaczego nie pozwalamy osobie uzależnionej wyjść z nałogu? Może żeby mieć poczucie, że jesteśmy lepsi, bardziej godni podziwu, szacunku, współczucia dla naszego bohaterstwa. To my jesteśmy zwycięzcami, a inni nieudacznikami i tak ma pozostać. Jeśli alkoholik wyjdzie z nałogu, to on zostanie bohaterem, a my schowamy się w jego cieniu. Więc podświadomie mówimy temu: nie.
Świat według narcyza: zwycięzcy i nieudacznicy. Pomiędzy tymi dwoma skrajnościami niewiele jest miejsca na coś więcej. Myślę, że to ciekawe podejście, tym bardziej, że poparte wieloma przykładami. Dyskutowanie z narcyzem, tłumaczenie mu czegokolwiek z góry skazane jest na niepowodzenie. On nie przyjmie żadnych opinii, żadnych argumentów. Jemu zależy tylko na tym, żeby nikt nie odkrył jego słabości, jego wstydu. Żeby nie został zaliczony do kategorii nieudaczników, tych pokonanych.
Oczywiście jest tylko niewielki odsetek ludzi, którzy spełniają psychologiczna definicję narcyza. Ale kim jest osoba, której brakło jednego punktu? A czy taka, która znalazła się na samym dole skali jest całkowicie od niego wolna?
Narcyz uwodziciel, narcyz mściciel, wszechwiedzący, uzależniony, megaloman, prześladowca, narcystyczny rodzic... to zjawisko ma wiele twarzy. Często takich ludzi nazywa się toksycznymi. Jest w nich coś, co nas denerwuje, nie lubimy ich i często nawet nie potrafimy określić dlaczego.
Susan Forward w swojej świetnej książce "Toksyczni ludzie" sprowadza wszystko do zazdrości i coś w tym jest. Autor "Narcyza obok ciebie" tłumaczy to rdzennym wstydem. Z jego powodu czujemy się gorsi od innych, wybrakowani, nieudani. Bo ojciec pił, bo matka porzuciła, bo żyliśmy w biedzie, bo... To rodzi zazdrość i chęć zniszczenia kogoś, kto w naszych oczach jest lepszy. Na pewno się z tym spotkaliście. Plotkujący sąsiad, kopiący dołki współpracownik, szef, który boi się pracownika osiągającego dobre wyniki w pracy... Oni mają swoje powody, żeby nienawidzić, choć osobie postronnej niedane będzie do nich dotrzeć. Nawet sam narcyz przeważnie nie ma w to wglądu. Każda osoba w jakikolwiek lepsza od niego jest zagrożeniem i celem do zniszczenia.
Na koniec autor proponuje metody radzenia sobie z narcyzem. Niestety, nie dla mnie. Do tego trzeba mieć zawodowe przygotowanie i, co najważniejsze, dystans, co jest niemożliwe w bliskich relacjach.
Zdecydowanie polecam lekturę.
November 3, 2025
it was a kind of self help book I never expected it to be and like the other reviews talked about: that how the title is somehow misleading (because it don't tell how to cope with such people in majority chapters)
but according to me, in order to cope, one must first know what to cope with? this is what this book was all about. (and the last chapter told everything, idk where the problem was for them, anyways ...)
I loved the way the chapters were set, explaining different kind of narcissist personalities with reference to other's stories.(which was more important to me, because without a story nobody can easily relate a list of traits to the person standing infront of them, when they obviously don't know from where this all generated)
To a great extent I felt related to all those people to some way(because of the people I've around me), not only I recognised my own narcissist traits but also of others (atleast I hope so).
The thing is, I realised how we all lead life and get hurt from others and sometimes by our own behaviour too. sometimes we may become an entirely different person without realising it overtime.
without acknowledging the person standing before us. and who we are dealing with.
the book ends explaining how we need to be the greater person infront of narcissists. Which can only happen if we look towards the shame we carry daily.🥲
but according to me, in order to cope, one must first know what to cope with? this is what this book was all about. (and the last chapter told everything, idk where the problem was for them, anyways ...)
I loved the way the chapters were set, explaining different kind of narcissist personalities with reference to other's stories.(which was more important to me, because without a story nobody can easily relate a list of traits to the person standing infront of them, when they obviously don't know from where this all generated)
To a great extent I felt related to all those people to some way(because of the people I've around me), not only I recognised my own narcissist traits but also of others (atleast I hope so).
The thing is, I realised how we all lead life and get hurt from others and sometimes by our own behaviour too. sometimes we may become an entirely different person without realising it overtime.
without acknowledging the person standing before us. and who we are dealing with.
the book ends explaining how we need to be the greater person infront of narcissists. Which can only happen if we look towards the shame we carry daily.🥲
February 16, 2023
Joseph Burgo’s “The Narcissist You Know” came highly recommended, and after reading, I see why. It literally explains the behavior of people who’ve acted like villains to you or society for no discernible reason.
I learned about them, but I also learned about myself. Dr. Burgo’s point is that narcissism exists in a spectrum with different behavioral expressions, such as bullying, vindictiveness, and grandiosity. He also emphasizes how personal shame affects our own narcissism (everyone’s a little self-centered and badly behaved some time or the other although I’ve found age to be a great tamer of the aforementioned) and why I have been targeted by narcissists over the ages.
I wish Dr. Burgo would write a sequel about institutional narcissism as a recognition of that sparked while reading this. I’d love to learn more about how a founder (even one no longer can be associated with a company) or a management team can bake narcissism into an organization through a culture of hazing or punitive measures.
I learned about them, but I also learned about myself. Dr. Burgo’s point is that narcissism exists in a spectrum with different behavioral expressions, such as bullying, vindictiveness, and grandiosity. He also emphasizes how personal shame affects our own narcissism (everyone’s a little self-centered and badly behaved some time or the other although I’ve found age to be a great tamer of the aforementioned) and why I have been targeted by narcissists over the ages.
I wish Dr. Burgo would write a sequel about institutional narcissism as a recognition of that sparked while reading this. I’d love to learn more about how a founder (even one no longer can be associated with a company) or a management team can bake narcissism into an organization through a culture of hazing or punitive measures.
August 23, 2020
This book was good enough but I found it a bit of a disappointment. It was long on descriptions of the activities of famous narcissists and short on more clinical information about narcissism that would have been more helpful to me personally.
December 16, 2015
Relies on an anecdotal style. Was enjoyable and relatable but not a must-read by any means.
September 15, 2018
A word that has become very popular today is "narcissist". People use that word all the time, continuously, in such a way that the original label has lost many of its sense. Something very similar is happening with a lot of concepts used in psychology. For many people everybody seems to be bipolar, narcissist, depressed, etc.
This book is very useful to know what a narcissist really is, as well the difference between narcissistic behaviours that are very common in our society, as well as to difference between narcissist and extreme narcissist, something that may seem the same, but that it's not.
Through the particular real cases presented in this book, we can learn to detect narcissist damaging behaviours as well as the best form to deal with that kind of people.
Maybe after reading this book, we could be able to understand that some behaviours that don't seem to be narcissist in a first view, are really a sign of a dangerous disorder.
This book is very useful to know what a narcissist really is, as well the difference between narcissistic behaviours that are very common in our society, as well as to difference between narcissist and extreme narcissist, something that may seem the same, but that it's not.
Through the particular real cases presented in this book, we can learn to detect narcissist damaging behaviours as well as the best form to deal with that kind of people.
Maybe after reading this book, we could be able to understand that some behaviours that don't seem to be narcissist in a first view, are really a sign of a dangerous disorder.
June 9, 2020
Me parece que Burgo relata muy bien las historias dentro de este libro. Es muy fácil de comprender dado que el autor no recurre a tecnicismos y todo lo plasma a base de historias y experiencias.
En la introducción nos dice que para que haya alguien a quien se le diagnostique trastorno narcisista de la personalidad debe cumplir con ciertos criterios pero él se centra más en todos los que no cumplen esa escala (narcisistas extremos) y que todos podemos llegar a tener un poco o mayor medida de esto.
En general me quedo con el aprendizaje de saber identificar a personas narcisistas aunque me quedo con un sabor amargo de saber que lo mejor que puedes hacer es tratar de evitar a gente así pues por lo general los narcisistas no saben convivir o aceptar la vergüenza fundamental y por lo tanto no recurren a terapia.
En la introducción nos dice que para que haya alguien a quien se le diagnostique trastorno narcisista de la personalidad debe cumplir con ciertos criterios pero él se centra más en todos los que no cumplen esa escala (narcisistas extremos) y que todos podemos llegar a tener un poco o mayor medida de esto.
En general me quedo con el aprendizaje de saber identificar a personas narcisistas aunque me quedo con un sabor amargo de saber que lo mejor que puedes hacer es tratar de evitar a gente así pues por lo general los narcisistas no saben convivir o aceptar la vergüenza fundamental y por lo tanto no recurren a terapia.
April 6, 2021
Sort of a pop psychology book but written with a sense to help you understand narcissism, and not just the personality disorder. Every physician leader should read about narcissism to help them identify with patients and colleagues who can make our work difficult.
August 19, 2019
A must read for anyone who is dealing with a narcissist in any situation. Writers should have this on their shelves to check the different kinds of narcissism. This book will inform your character development.
February 23, 2022
Very good and detailed book about Narcissistic. I've read it's Blinkist version with was very good and enough for me.
March 28, 2019
It might not be as interesting to everyone, however I found it insightful and incredibly helpful. More of a book, I feel, for those seeking a little understanding about narcissists, or as a supplement to other books if you have a professional interest in the subject. It felt more like a reflective, as well as an example and anecdote heavy text. A number of things said about a narcissist's childhood or reasoning rang true for me and the 'extreme' narcissist I know. However I hesitate to say it would feel so accurate to other readers.
Naturally not all of the examples or types of narcissists were ones I had experience with. But it helped me personally come to terms with some of the behaviour I'd faced and the why's that consistently came back to my mind for how someone could regularly live in such a self-centred way.
Sometimes there felt like too many example cases, however I feel this was a personal problem, because I could think immediately of examples for much of the behaviour described as common to extreme narcissists. So before an example case was included, I had examples for such behaviour that might be seen, already in mind. The cases made sense if you'd never encountered such behaviour or people before.
Likewise I do think I have more insight into times I may have unintentionally acted in a narcissistic fashion. I feel I have a better self awareness, if only a little, as well as awareness of how I can better avoid narcissism and narcissistic relationships in future.
If the topic interests you in some way, I would recommend. Bearing in mind the emphasis on examples for one, would be fine with you as a reader.
Naturally not all of the examples or types of narcissists were ones I had experience with. But it helped me personally come to terms with some of the behaviour I'd faced and the why's that consistently came back to my mind for how someone could regularly live in such a self-centred way.
Sometimes there felt like too many example cases, however I feel this was a personal problem, because I could think immediately of examples for much of the behaviour described as common to extreme narcissists. So before an example case was included, I had examples for such behaviour that might be seen, already in mind. The cases made sense if you'd never encountered such behaviour or people before.
Likewise I do think I have more insight into times I may have unintentionally acted in a narcissistic fashion. I feel I have a better self awareness, if only a little, as well as awareness of how I can better avoid narcissism and narcissistic relationships in future.
If the topic interests you in some way, I would recommend. Bearing in mind the emphasis on examples for one, would be fine with you as a reader.
June 20, 2019
(The English review is placed beneath Russian one)
Я прочитал уже довольно много книг по нарциссам, социопатам и пр. (некоторые авторы почему-то их объединяют) и только две книги меня хоть немного заинтересовали. Остальные, включая и эту, показались мне очень слабыми и в плане теории и в плане аргументации. Всё как-то больше напоминает журнальные статьи, а не серьёзный анализ.
Сразу сказу, что из себя представляет эта книга. Это сборник различных историй. Как я понял, некоторые – из собственной практики автора, а другие – внешние впечатление о знаменитостях (Мадонна, Таргет Вудс, Армстронг). Т.е. если вы ждёте тут найти хороший анализ, хорошую теорию, как это принято в качественной академической литературе, то не ждите. Тут всё то же самое, что я встречал во многих подобных книгах. Читатель либо на слово верит автору (если автор достаточно для него убедителен), либо нет. Я вот не поверил. Но главная причина, почему я не поверил, это хрупкость самой теоретической базы социопатов и нарциссов как таковых (я не встречал достаточно убедительных случаев (и их анализ), только каких-то психов, которые могут быть просто сумасшедшими, без определения социопат/психопат/нарцисс), т.е. вопросов выходящих за рамки этой книги.
Однако вернёмся к книге. Во-первых, что меня поразило, так это когда в самом начале автор, среди прочих лиц подверженных нарциссизму, упоминает Дональда Трампа. «Ну как раз» – скажете вы мне вы. Однако я бы не спешил с выводами. Трамп хороший актёр, у него было своё собственное ТВ шоу, и он привык играть роли. Поэтому реального Трампа мы не знаем. Мы знаем человека, которого показывает нам телевизор, но что происходит на самом деле, мы не знаем. Может быть он нарцисс, а может – хороший актёр. Я хочу сказать, что ставить диагноз через экран телевизора, крайне непрофессионально. Кстати, возможно именно поэтому все те истории, что содержатся в книге, мне показались слишком художественными. Ну, вот откуда такая детализация всего и вся, что происходило с людьми? Пусть это и не главная причина недовольства книгой, но в купе со всеми остальными…
Далее. Буллинг и тяжёлое детство. Все герои историй, у них у всех было тяжелое детство. Вот как так это может быть? Или у нас нарциссизм строго связан с событиями из детства? Как? Автор-то не говорит об этом (это та самая пресловутая теория, которой нет). Поэтому это может быть нарциссизм, а может, психологическое отклонение которое связано с событием из детства. Автор описывает это так, что это может быть и просто небольшое отклонение. Вот возьмём того же Армстронга, о котором пишет автор. Честно сказать, я совершенно не нашёл его поведение нарциссичным. Возможно странным, неадекватным, человеком с тяжёлым характером, но не факт что тут именно нарциссизм. И что касается буллинг. Опять же, какая связь? Буллинг существует испокон веков и может быть связан с множеством факторов, включая скуку. Честно сказать, я абсолютно не нашёл прямой взаимосвязи, которая так видна автору.
«Незрелые родители» Жизель Аррюс-Ревиди. Может быть, некоторые случаи больше походят именно что на незрелых родителей, нежели на нарциссизм? Этот вопрос меня долго преследовал, пока я читал книгу. Пусть не в каждой истории, но всё же некоторые персонажи историй напоминали мне именно что незрелых родителей.
В общем, книга мне показалась крайне слабой и неубедительн��й. Все персонажи представлены как-то однообразно, а ведь, как и в случаи с социопатом, если подобные люди действительно существуют, они должны быть совершенно разными, из совершенно разных социальны категорий. А книга выдаёт нам какого-то ненормального с тяжёлым детством и который обречён на тяжёлую жизнь. Слишком по-голливудски.
I've read quite a lot of books on narcissism, sociopaths, etc. (Some authors, for some reason, bring them together) and only two books have interested me at least a little. The rest, including this one, seemed very weak to me both in terms of theory and argumentation. It's more like a magazine article than a serious analysis.
I'll tell you right away what this book is. This is a collection of various stories. As I understand it, some of them are from the author's own practice, while others are external impressions of celebrities (Madonna, Tiger Woods, Armstrong). That is, if you are waiting here to find a good analysis, a good theory, as it is commonly accepted in quality academic literature, then do not wait. Everything here is the same as in many similar books. The reader either takes the author's word for it (if the author is convinced enough for him) or not. I didn't believe it. But the main reason why I didn't believe it was the fragility of the theoretical base of sociopaths and narcissists (I haven't met enough convincing cases (and their analysis), only some psychos who can be just crazy, without defining sociopaths/psychopaths/narcissists), i.e. questions beyond the scope of this book.
However, let’s return to the book. First of all, what struck me was when the author mentions Donald Trump in the beginning, among others, as a narcissist. "That is exactly" - what you're going to say. But I wouldn't be so quick to draw conclusions. Trump is a good actor, he had his own TV show, and he used to play roles. So we don't know the real Trump. We know the person that the TV shows us, but we don't know what's really going on. Maybe he's a narcissist or maybe he's a good actor. I mean, it's unprofessional to diagnose through a TV screen. By the way, maybe that's why all the stories in the book seem too fictional to me. Where did this knowledge of the details of everything and everything that happened to people come from? This may not be the main reason for dissatisfaction with the book, but in combination with everything else...
Next up. Bullying and a hard childhood. All the heroes of the stories, they all had a hard childhood. How can it be? Or is narcissism strictly related to events from childhood? How? The author doesn't talk about it (it's the same notorious theory that doesn't exist). Therefore, it may be narcissism, or maybe a psychological deviation that is associated with an event from childhood. The author describes it in such a way that it can be just a small deviation. Let's take the same Armstrong that the author writes about. Honestly, I didn't find his behavior narcissistic at all. Probably a strange, inadequate person with a heavy character, but not the fact that it is narcissism here. And as for bullying. Again, what is the connection? Bullying has existed for centuries and can be associated with many factors, including boredom. Honestly, I have not found the direct correlation that is so visible to the author.
"Parents immatures et enfants-adultes" by Gisèle Harrus-Révidi («Незрелые родители и взрослые дети Жизель» Аррюс-Ревиди). Maybe some cases are more like immature parents than narcissism? This question followed me for a long time while I was reading the book. Not in every story, but still, some of the characters in the stories reminded me of the immature parents.
In general, the book seemed extremely weak and unconvincing to me. All the characters are presented in a uniform way, but like in the case of sociopaths, if such people do exist, they have to be completely different, from completely different social categories. The book gives us some abnormal person with a hard childhood who is doomed to a hard life. It's too Hollywood-like.
Я прочитал уже довольно много книг по нарциссам, социопатам и пр. (некоторые авторы почему-то их объединяют) и только две книги меня хоть немного заинтересовали. Остальные, включая и эту, показались мне очень слабыми и в плане теории и в плане аргументации. Всё как-то больше напоминает журнальные статьи, а не серьёзный анализ.
Сразу сказу, что из себя представляет эта книга. Это сборник различных историй. Как я понял, некоторые – из собственной практики автора, а другие – внешние впечатление о знаменитостях (Мадонна, Таргет Вудс, Армстронг). Т.е. если вы ждёте тут найти хороший анализ, хорошую теорию, как это принято в качественной академической литературе, то не ждите. Тут всё то же самое, что я встречал во многих подобных книгах. Читатель либо на слово верит автору (если автор достаточно для него убедителен), либо нет. Я вот не поверил. Но главная причина, почему я не поверил, это хрупкость самой теоретической базы социопатов и нарциссов как таковых (я не встречал достаточно убедительных случаев (и их анализ), только каких-то психов, которые могут быть просто сумасшедшими, без определения социопат/психопат/нарцисс), т.е. вопросов выходящих за рамки этой книги.
Однако вернёмся к книге. Во-первых, что меня поразило, так это когда в самом начале автор, среди прочих лиц подверженных нарциссизму, упоминает Дональда Трампа. «Ну как раз» – скажете вы мне вы. Однако я бы не спешил с выводами. Трамп хороший актёр, у него было своё собственное ТВ шоу, и он привык играть роли. Поэтому реального Трампа мы не знаем. Мы знаем человека, которого показывает нам телевизор, но что происходит на самом деле, мы не знаем. Может быть он нарцисс, а может – хороший актёр. Я хочу сказать, что ставить диагноз через экран телевизора, крайне непрофессионально. Кстати, возможно именно поэтому все те истории, что содержатся в книге, мне показались слишком художественными. Ну, вот откуда такая детализация всего и вся, что происходило с людьми? Пусть это и не главная причина недовольства книгой, но в купе со всеми остальными…
Далее. Буллинг и тяжёлое детство. Все герои историй, у них у всех было тяжелое детство. Вот как так это может быть? Или у нас нарциссизм строго связан с событиями из детства? Как? Автор-то не говорит об этом (это та самая пресловутая теория, которой нет). Поэтому это может быть нарциссизм, а может, психологическое отклонение которое связано с событием из детства. Автор описывает это так, что это может быть и просто небольшое отклонение. Вот возьмём того же Армстронга, о котором пишет автор. Честно сказать, я совершенно не нашёл его поведение нарциссичным. Возможно странным, неадекватным, человеком с тяжёлым характером, но не факт что тут именно нарциссизм. И что касается буллинг. Опять же, какая связь? Буллинг существует испокон веков и может быть связан с множеством факторов, включая скуку. Честно сказать, я абсолютно не нашёл прямой взаимосвязи, которая так видна автору.
«Незрелые родители» Жизель Аррюс-Ревиди. Может быть, некоторые случаи больше походят именно что на незрелых родителей, нежели на нарциссизм? Этот вопрос меня долго преследовал, пока я читал книгу. Пусть не в каждой истории, но всё же некоторые персонажи историй напоминали мне именно что незрелых родителей.
В общем, книга мне показалась крайне слабой и неубедительн��й. Все персонажи представлены как-то однообразно, а ведь, как и в случаи с социопатом, если подобные люди действительно существуют, они должны быть совершенно разными, из совершенно разных социальны категорий. А книга выдаёт нам какого-то ненормального с тяжёлым детством и который обречён на тяжёлую жизнь. Слишком по-голливудски.
I've read quite a lot of books on narcissism, sociopaths, etc. (Some authors, for some reason, bring them together) and only two books have interested me at least a little. The rest, including this one, seemed very weak to me both in terms of theory and argumentation. It's more like a magazine article than a serious analysis.
I'll tell you right away what this book is. This is a collection of various stories. As I understand it, some of them are from the author's own practice, while others are external impressions of celebrities (Madonna, Tiger Woods, Armstrong). That is, if you are waiting here to find a good analysis, a good theory, as it is commonly accepted in quality academic literature, then do not wait. Everything here is the same as in many similar books. The reader either takes the author's word for it (if the author is convinced enough for him) or not. I didn't believe it. But the main reason why I didn't believe it was the fragility of the theoretical base of sociopaths and narcissists (I haven't met enough convincing cases (and their analysis), only some psychos who can be just crazy, without defining sociopaths/psychopaths/narcissists), i.e. questions beyond the scope of this book.
However, let’s return to the book. First of all, what struck me was when the author mentions Donald Trump in the beginning, among others, as a narcissist. "That is exactly" - what you're going to say. But I wouldn't be so quick to draw conclusions. Trump is a good actor, he had his own TV show, and he used to play roles. So we don't know the real Trump. We know the person that the TV shows us, but we don't know what's really going on. Maybe he's a narcissist or maybe he's a good actor. I mean, it's unprofessional to diagnose through a TV screen. By the way, maybe that's why all the stories in the book seem too fictional to me. Where did this knowledge of the details of everything and everything that happened to people come from? This may not be the main reason for dissatisfaction with the book, but in combination with everything else...
Next up. Bullying and a hard childhood. All the heroes of the stories, they all had a hard childhood. How can it be? Or is narcissism strictly related to events from childhood? How? The author doesn't talk about it (it's the same notorious theory that doesn't exist). Therefore, it may be narcissism, or maybe a psychological deviation that is associated with an event from childhood. The author describes it in such a way that it can be just a small deviation. Let's take the same Armstrong that the author writes about. Honestly, I didn't find his behavior narcissistic at all. Probably a strange, inadequate person with a heavy character, but not the fact that it is narcissism here. And as for bullying. Again, what is the connection? Bullying has existed for centuries and can be associated with many factors, including boredom. Honestly, I have not found the direct correlation that is so visible to the author.
"Parents immatures et enfants-adultes" by Gisèle Harrus-Révidi («Незрелые родители и взрослые дети Жизель» Аррюс-Ревиди). Maybe some cases are more like immature parents than narcissism? This question followed me for a long time while I was reading the book. Not in every story, but still, some of the characters in the stories reminded me of the immature parents.
In general, the book seemed extremely weak and unconvincing to me. All the characters are presented in a uniform way, but like in the case of sociopaths, if such people do exist, they have to be completely different, from completely different social categories. The book gives us some abnormal person with a hard childhood who is doomed to a hard life. It's too Hollywood-like.
February 7, 2019
I am in two minds about this book. What I appreciated that the author avoided using the DSM clinical definition of narcissist assisting the reader to understand that narcissism is part of everyones character creation and that not all fall into the extreme category of NPD. This does not make them any less difficult to deal with and that it's important that those involved with them need to protect self. At the same time I was disillusioned by his take because once again you have someone creating a whole another set of categories of narcissist without any consistency confusing the issue even deeper. In his interpretation Malignant narcissists are called bullying narcissist. Overall I'm not sure the auhor accomplished his goal in helping the reader to know how to defend against extreme narcissists. He utilize many many many examples from well known people to give us examples of what he was defining and he did continue the dialogue around a very complicated group. For that I give him 3 stars
June 17, 2016
As I still journal about and recall some past encounters that seemed truly unreal to me at the time, this book was available through my digital library and helps to remind me that what happened was trademark for people that have dealt with people that are Extreme Narcissists, but may not have full blown NPD. It also delves into the "how" behind narcissism, and lets you know that in most cases, it is probably best to just get away from them if you can, or set boundaries and limit exposure if you can't. REQUIRED reading for anyone that will be voting in the 2016 Presidential election. I hate that the current Republican front-runner is forcing me to vote for the Democratic front-runner rather than an Independent or worthy write-in candidate.
February 15, 2017
Дуже приємна та корисна книга, гуманістична та реалістична водночас (для мене це ознака професіоналізму автора). В передмові вказано, що одна з цілей - допомогти читачеві зрозуміти, що ж значить слово "нарцисизм", що вживається так часто і, зазвичай, недоречно. І книга віповідає цьому завданню: в ній зібрані прояви цього особистісного розладу в різних сферах життя і є пояснення відмінностям нарцисизму від просто зверхності, самовпевненості та ін. В ній є і ще багато цікавого, й вона точно була варта часу, витраченого на читання.
April 5, 2018
Una recopilación de casos terapéuticos, muchos de ellos de personajes famosos bajo seudónimos, que muestra claramente la cantidad de personas narcisistas que nos rodean en la vida... Es cierto que sirve para sobrevivir y superar obstáculos en la vida, pero cuando se usan como arma de ataque constante, la única solución es huir de ell@s. Muestra claramente que tanto HOMBRES como MUJERES pueden ser perversamente narcisistas hiriendo voluntariamente a los demás...
Un libro imprescindible para reconocerlos y no permitir que manejen nuestras vidas.
Un libro imprescindible para reconocerlos y no permitir que manejen nuestras vidas.
June 2, 2016
Overall, a good read and reflection book. It offers insights into your and your many contacts way of thinking and behaving. Not really a hard and fast diagnosing of what ails you or your acquaintances, but more of a here are some possibilities and reasons for the behavior you see and act out yourself. The celebrity "profiles" were interesting and shed some light on many of the celebrities "quirks" and bad behavior we hear about.
Displaying 1 - 30 of 114 reviews