Confessions of a Funeral Director: How the Business of Death Saved My Life

by Caleb Wilde

The blogger behind Confessions of a Funeral Director—what Time magazine called a "must read"—reflects on mortality and the powerful lessons death holds for every one of us in this compassionate and thoughtful spiritual memoir that combines the humor and insight of Smoke Gets in Your Eyes with the poignancy and brevity of When Breath Becomes Air.

Death. It happens to everyone, yet most of us don’t want to talk about this final chapter of existence. Sixth-generation funeral director Caleb Wilde intimately understands this reticence and fear. The son of an undertaker, he hesitated to embrace the legacy of running his family’s business. Yet he discovered that caring for the deceased and their loved ones profoundly changed his faith and his perspective on death—and life itself. "Yes, death can be bad. Yes, death can be negative," he acknowledges, "but it can also be beautiful. And that alternate narrative needs to be discussed."

In Confessions of a Funeral Director, he talks about his experiences and pushes back against the death-negative ethos of our culture, opening a thoughtful, poignant conversation to help us see the end of life in a positive and liberating way. In the wry, compassionate, and honest voice that has charmed his growing legions of blog readers, Wilde offers an intimate look inside his business, offering information on unspoken practices around death such as the embalming process, beautiful and memorable stories about families in the wake of death, and, most importantly, a fresh and wise perspective on how embracing death can allow us to embrace life.

Confessions of a Funeral Director is the story of one man learning how death illuminates and deepens the meaning of existence—insights that can help us all pursue and cherish full, rich lives.

Genres: Nonfiction, Death, Memoir, Audiobook, Biography Memoir, Religion, Biography

208 pages, Hardcover

First published September 26, 2017

About the author

Caleb Wilde is a partner at his family’s business, Wilde Funeral Home, in Parkesburg, Pennsylvania, where he lives. He writes the popular blog Confessions of a Funeral Director and recently completed postgraduate work at Winchester University, England, in the program, “Death, Religion and Culture.” He has been featured in top media outlets, including The Huffington Post, The Atlantic, and TIME magazine, and on NPR, NBC, and ABC’s 20/20.

Reviews

[Ryn Rehnard · Rating 2 out of 5]

While I understand that this book is his journey to finding a death positive narrative, I just wish I would have read the reviews. Way too much god and jesus in the book for the staunch athiest I am. Brings a new perspective, but had I read the reviews before I bought this book, I'd not have bought it.

[Lauder · Rating 1 out of 5]

I despised it - I craved knowledge about death, about removals, about funerary tools, about funeral practices. Instead, I read some asshole’s memoir about his feelings on God, heaven, his family, his son - I mean, who cares?! His writing style was atrocious; he was too repetitive; he pissed me off! Skip this piece of trash - I can’t believe I wasted money on it.

[Ruthy lavin · Rating 1 out of 5]

Caleb had the opportunity to really educate and inform us about the fascinating behind the scenes goings on of a busy funeral service with this book…. But instead there was WAY too much emphasis on God and religion and it quickly became more like a religious sermon.
I’ve heard a lot about Caleb Wilde recently and he is held in high esteem amongst the funeral service and science worlds, so this was extremely disappointing.
As an agnostic, I didn’t appreciate his constant referencing to God and his faith, and there was no need for his incessant preaching.
I’m glad I read this book first because I will now not be investing in the sequel 😩

[Laura · Rating 4 out of 5]

I’d been following this author for some time on social media when I heard he had written a book. Many of his blogs have been interesting and even humorous about his life in the family funeral business of three generations in a small town. The book is far deeper, more spiritual and insightful into his personal life than I thought it would be. There were many interesting stories along the way of the many different reactions to death and the funeral process in families and his part within it, the lessons he learned along the way. Told with candor, humor, sensitivity and coming to his own reckoning, I enjoyed hearing his thoughts on life and death, finding beauty and sacredness in both.

[Andi · Rating 5 out of 5]

A powerful, positive, honest meditation on death . . . as someone who has found herself with death as her companion in a lot of ways in my life, I found this book to speak truth to my experience, to encourage me to embrace the way I don't always see death as an attack, and to honor my own grief. Highly recommend.

[Rachel · Rating 5 out of 5]

I am so happy to have the opportunity to review this book for the goodreads community!
There is no one who won't be touched by death; their own, and the deaths of those they love.
In the modern US, we place our elderly, sick, and dying in sterile, far-away places, where we have no concept of their experience, and also have no real experience with death on a personal level.
Death feels like something that only happens to other people; not our friends, or our family, and certainly not to us!
Well, as it happens, it does happen to 100% of us.
Caleb Wilde shares his experiences with death in his debut book, and offers a perspective that I believe can be so useful, cathartic, or healing to so many people who struggle with their own ideas about death and dying.
There are so many quotes I would love to point out, specifically, but as my copy was an advance review, I have agreed not to quote any of it until it can be checked against the published version.
While modern humans do everything they can to avoid acknowledging death, including refusing to age, hiding their loved ones in nursing homes, and holding "Celebrations of Life" when people do the unthinkable and actually die, Wilde suggests to us another perspective. An opportunity to actually embrace the beauty in death. To discover that there is a "positive death narrative".
The Death Saturday concept blew my mind. I won't ruin it for you. read it for yourself, and see if it isn't the most obvious thing that has ever eluded your consciousness.
Thank you Caleb Wilde, for the opportunity to learn, grow, heal, and change the way I have always thought about death.
Thank you for sharing the very real story of your experiences, and the amalgam of your collective experiences.
I have already convinced my local library to order copies for our sharing network, and am working on being able to order copies to sell in my bookshop.
I believe the world will be better for this book, and will do my level best to get the word out there!!!

[Ashley W · Rating 4 out of 5]

This poignant, thought-provoking memoir takes a look at life through the lense of death in a manner akin to something like Six Feet Under meets When Breath Becomes Air. It is a slow burn but I savoured every page.

[B Zimp · Rating 2 out of 5]

I thought this would be more stories about learning and employing the funeral industry. Instead it was the author's spiritual journey in understanding his families business. Not really what I was looking for.

[Leah · Rating 4 out of 5]

The writing is beautiful, sincere, and very human. Caleb Wilde, who like Caitlin Doughty is a young funeral director who is part of the "positive death" movement, recounts how he came into the family business, at first reluctantly and then embracing it. Each story he recounts is personal and meaningful. No matter how hard we try to ignore it, death is a part of life, something we see in each incident he recounts. I came away from this book appreciating how sacred both life and death are. Although about death, this book is not depressing. Even the saddest stories here are beautiful.

[Eggbeater · Rating 2 out of 5]

I thought this book was poorly set up. The writing structure didn't flow. Not only that, but the author was big on platitudes and cliches and seemed totally unaware of it. Heavy on religion, low on humor, the writing was flowery and not my cup of tea. However, if it helps anyone cope with their grief, then it is important. I personally hate-read this book.

[Nicole · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was a really interesting book about Caleb's experiences of being a funeral director.

The experiences and views about death are really interesting and eye opening.

I definitely learnt quite a bit I didn't know about what funeral directors from this book.

This book does focus heavily on religion. There are quite a lot of negative reviews of this book which are very disrespectful.

Even though, I'm not religious I could still appreciate and respect his views and his unique view points of death, even though I don't agree with everything he says.

Overall, I think this book was very interesting and a learnt a lot

TW: graphic descriptions of death, child death, miscarriage, infertility and overdose references

[Leigh Kramer · Rating 4 out of 5]

For honest reflections about death and grief, I often turn to Caleb Wilde. In his memoir Confessions Of A Funeral Director, Caleb’s honesty about his doubts and anxiety makes his insights that much more compelling. He suggests (and I agree) we adopt a death positive narrative and shows how society’s death negative narrative and the church’s heaven narrative actually hurt us and our ability to mourn.

Through examples from his professional experience, as well as his own personal losses, Caleb illustrates the importance of grieving well, as well as a healthier perspective about death and dying. One of my favorite stories was about Sam, an LGBTQ woman who attended a church where she was not allowed to become a member. Even though her sexuality meant she could not fully be a part of her church, she expressed wishes for her funeral to be there. The way the pastor and Sam's family, many of whom were not affirming, responded to this wish was incredibly moving.

Caleb muses that death is the common denominator that helps us connect, even when we don't see eye to eye. It can bring us together or it can tear us apart. But when we allow it, death helps bridge our differences and reminds us that love is the reason for all things. This chapter might be the reason to read this book.

We need to have more conversations like this. We need to talk about what really matters. We need to talk not only about the kind of life we want to have but the kind of death we want to have. This book is a great step in helping us have that conversation.

I appreciated how Caleb covered many different kinds of loss, including infertility and adoption. He also emphasizes the importance of proximity and presence in times of loss, which might be the best takeaway anyone could receive. It's never about having the right thing to say but simply showing up and being there for one another.

I can no longer remember how I first came across Caleb's blog several years ago but I do remember thinking two things: 1) this guy needs to write a book and 2) we need to be friends. While Caleb and I have yet to meet in person, we did become internet friends and so it was especially thrilling to finally read his book. I commend it to you.

“Changing the world sometimes involves massive movements, but mostly it can be accomplished through small acts of presence, listening, and kindness.” p. 52 

Disclosure: I received a complimentary copy from HarperOne.

[Ericka Jade · Rating 3 out of 5]

This was the audio version. The narrator had a calm and soothing voice.

This is a memoir of a man who has funeral businesses on both sides of family. The memoir part is very interesting and it’s the author’s take on how he decided to continue the family business after working as missionary. His insight is very thoughtful and methodical. The way he deals with the grief of families and of his own is mindful and deliberate and, in my opinion, very healthy. It’s obvious that the author is very religious and that is a part of his psyche and how he deals with his business but it’s a bit much, in my opinion. He is not preachy this is a path that is personal but as other reviewers have stated it is a bit excessive.

[Michelle · Rating 3 out of 5]

My Grandparents were funeral home directors and taught me so much about honor, respect, and etiquette around death and grieving. I have great respect for the profession. I had hoped this book would strike some familiar chords about growing up in that world, etc. There was a small amount of that, some lessons, and a lot of the author's thoughts on a lot of other things. The book felt like it needed an editor to sharpen the focus and reign in the author's many, varied thoughts.

[Melody · Rating 1 out of 5]

God. Jesus. Faith. Death informed by eternal life. Fuck that. None for me, thanks. I bailed out fairly early when it became apparent that this is not so much about death qua death but about Wilde's spiritual, explicitly Christian, journey. Which, don't get me wrong, is just the sort of thing you like, if you like this sort of thing.

[Murilo Silva · Rating 5 out of 5]

Greek: Kronos and Kairos
Hebrew: Tikkun olam

Sympathy: you see someone stranded in a disgusting well and feel the urge to help.
Empathy: you are on the well with that person.

1. Death negative narrative: let death show you the goodness in life.
2. Death cannot be tamed: can break us open or apart. Choose to let it break you open.
3. Death cannot be ignored: allow death to make you pause, reflect and meditate.
4. Afterlife: focusing on the good of the afterlife makes us ignore the good of life.
5. Death’s voice is silence: the more we can embrace, the more we can embrace death.
6. Death positive narrative: allows us to embrace our mortality by letting us learn, grow and overcome.
7. Commuity: death shows and strengthens us as a community/family.
8. Death is universal: lets us see and love others that we dislike.
9. There is no closure: invite the dead into our lives, they never really leave our hearts and lives. Practice active remembrance.
10. Embrace death: the key ingredient to a life well lived. The more we confront death, the more we can embrace life.

[John · Rating 4 out of 5]

Really 3.5 but worth rounding up to four stars.

Although a short book at four audio hours, I felt it was more like a philosophy, sociology or anthropology work than a memoir. There are humorous asides, but overall it is fairly serious in tone, so much so that I switched part way through from audio to print edition so that I could skim parts of it. Especially I glad I did at the last chapter which totally did not interest me at all, but turned me off as I dislike a focus on folks who are having trouble conceiving.

I did read a review which said that the author should have read the book himself; after listening to him speak on YouTube videos, I am going to disagree, feeling that the professional narrator did a good job.

There are a few humorous anecdotes in his story, but overall it is fairly serious, so potential readers should be prepared for that.

[Wren · Rating 4 out of 5]

Wilde writes from the perspective of a funeral director in a small town in Pennsylvania. His father and grandfather are both in the business. And he knows almost every family that he serves when their loved one dies. Consequently, the stories have rich context.

But his viewpoint has additional texture because he has an interest in religious studies and has done schooling in that area. His book is a mixture of anecdotes and philosophical / religious reflections on the way people respond to dying, death, and grief.

His chapters are short and inviting. He maintained a blog prior to publishing this books, and I am assuming that some of the content was created in that venue and then refashioned for book form.

[Alise Chaffins · Rating 5 out of 5]

Can you write a life-giving book about death? Perhaps not all are able to, but in his first book, Calve Wilde, a funeral director out of Pennsylvania certainly does.

Having experienced my own losses, I found that the way Caleb writes about death and dying to be a comfort. He shares why we need to bring death closer, rather than pushing it away. To touch it, talk about it, learn to love it.

This is a beautiful book, and one that is desperately needed.

[Mel · Rating 5 out of 5]

Well, My goal was to finish this book this weekend and I just got it done under the wire - 4 minutes to spare!

This book has amazing & profound insights & observations of life and death and our humanity. The author can’t help but take a spiritual journey given the topic. He also addresses the positive death narrative we need to take over America’s traditional negative narrative! If you’re human, you need to read this book!

[Ro · Rating 4 out of 5]

I thought this would be more about the funeral director aspect and less philosophical. Shows I didn't really read the blurb before I started it, but it ended up being a thought-provoking book on death and religion.

[Tami · Rating 4 out of 5]

I'm not sure why I have a fascination with this subject, but I do. I've read many books in this area and from experts like Michael Baden. This book was a bit different in that it talked about the emotion, the interactions with families, and what it all means. I liked this side of the story. The how of how they do what they do to help families that are grieving, the sensitivity they show to the families and the passed member, and how they go above and beyond in trying to ease suffering. I would recommend this book to anyone.

[Tiffany · Rating 4 out of 5]

Wilde has blogged for quite some time and as a reader of his blog I was thrilled to read his book. Wilde shares some insight into his family run funeral home (wish there were more of these still around) but most of the book is his own views on death and how that view has changed while working in the industry. Wilde promotes letting death break you open rather than breaking you and learning to view death as a part of life for everyone. Worth a read.

"I should say they overlook Good Friday and Holy Saturday because they know what happens on Easter. But skipping ahead to Easter might be what makes so many believers so unfamiliar with the pain, silence, and doubt of death. If there’s one reason why believers use comfort clichés—like “You’ll see him again someday,” “She’s in a better place,” “God doesn’t give you more than you can handle,” “Heaven will wipe away all your tears”—it’s because they’ve only read the resurrection chapter of the story, and they’ve used that chapter as a shield against the darkness of death and anxiety."

"In their book, A General Theory of Love, Thomas Lewis, Fari Amini, and Richard Lannon write: “In a relationship, one mind revises the other; one heart changes its partner. . . . Who we are and who we become depends, in part, on whom we love.”"

[Theresa Hildebrand · Rating 3 out of 5]

Thank you Caleb Wilde for sharing this with the public. I couldn't help but compare this book with those of Caitlin Doughty, but soon realized that it was an apples & oranges thing. Caleb comes from a long line of undertakers who isn't afraid to share his hesitations in joining the family business. He addresses the way that people think about death & made me consider my own feelings towards that inevitability. Thought provoking, interesting read.

[Zach Strassburger · Rating 1 out of 5]

I finished this book only so I could write a review of it. I wish I’d read other reviews here before buying it. I assume some people must be interested in this guy’s thoughts about god and afterlife and death—I’m definitely not one of them. I wanted stories about being a small town funeral director, and those that were present were both predictable/cliched and made up a very small portion of the book. Skip this.

[Scot · Rating 3 out of 5]

Some interesting insights on the work and life of Funeral Directors. Some of that gets lost in a semi bizarre and fatalistic outlook on death. I struggled with his desire to “normalize” death, especially when he put it through a supposedly Christian perspective.

I might recommend this to someone just as an interesting read however as Wilde is a fairly competent author.

[Adam‘’s book reviews · Rating 2 out of 5]

Not exactly what I was looking for by the title I thought I would be getting an accounting of the day in the life of a sixth generation undertaker. Along the same lines as stiff or 6 feet under Instead I got an introspective autobiography or maybe even a treatise on life. It wasn’t all bad just a little bit repetitive towards the end.

[Colleenish · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book made me feel a little judgy since the author is so close to my age and background. I found the chapter about the drug addict to be very moving. I would say that it was worth the read for just that story.

[Katlyn Casagrande · Rating 3 out of 5]

A bit preachy. Not what I was expecting. More about God and heaven than the ins and outs is the funeral business. I'm all about the experience of the good death, but i didn't expect this to be a religious book

[Carola · Rating 2 out of 5]

Didn't expect for this to be so preachy. So much potential... wasted.