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Self-Reg: How to Help Your Child (and You) Break the Stress Cycle and Successfully Engage with Life
From internationally celebrated research professor Stuart Shanker, a revolutionary new understanding of stress as the key that unlocks kids'--and parents'--most troubling behaviour.
There is no such thing as a bad kid. According to world-renowned researcher Stuart Shanker, even the most frustrating, annoying or troubling behaviour has an explanation. That means there is a way to make things better.
Shanker's research has shown that for every child and every adult the ability to thrive--to complete tasks, form friendships, learn, and even love--depends on being able to self-regulate. In the past twenty years neurobiological research has been showing us a lot about brain states, and what is clear now is that the ability to self-regulate in response to stress is central.
There are dramatic consequences to looking at a child's behaviour through the lens of self-regulation. Above all it discards the knee-jerk reaction that a child who is having trouble paying attention, controlling his impulses, or who gives up easily on a difficult task, is somehow weak or lacks self-discipline or is not making a great enough effort to apply himself.
According to Shanker, the ability to deal effectively with stress is limited, though. Like a tank of gas, our energy reserves eventually dwindle, leaving a kid--or an adult--simply unable to control his or her impulses. That is, misbehaving kids aren't choosing to be difficult. They literally can't help themselves. And what draws down our reserves? Excessive stress. Stress of all kinds, from social anxiety to an uncomfortable chair. Reduce the stress loads, and problems quickly dissipate.
There is no such thing as a bad kid. According to world-renowned researcher Stuart Shanker, even the most frustrating, annoying or troubling behaviour has an explanation. That means there is a way to make things better.
Shanker's research has shown that for every child and every adult the ability to thrive--to complete tasks, form friendships, learn, and even love--depends on being able to self-regulate. In the past twenty years neurobiological research has been showing us a lot about brain states, and what is clear now is that the ability to self-regulate in response to stress is central.
There are dramatic consequences to looking at a child's behaviour through the lens of self-regulation. Above all it discards the knee-jerk reaction that a child who is having trouble paying attention, controlling his impulses, or who gives up easily on a difficult task, is somehow weak or lacks self-discipline or is not making a great enough effort to apply himself.
According to Shanker, the ability to deal effectively with stress is limited, though. Like a tank of gas, our energy reserves eventually dwindle, leaving a kid--or an adult--simply unable to control his or her impulses. That is, misbehaving kids aren't choosing to be difficult. They literally can't help themselves. And what draws down our reserves? Excessive stress. Stress of all kinds, from social anxiety to an uncomfortable chair. Reduce the stress loads, and problems quickly dissipate.
320 pages, Paperback
Published July 4, 2017
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 175 reviews
January 17, 2018
I agree with most of the other reviewers: this is a useful book for understanding the brain science of why kids behave (poorly) the way they do. The "advice" portion is really a fairly small chunk of the book. This is mostly because every human being is different. A book that offers techniques to calm a child will be right for a given child under some circumstances and wrong for another child or even for the same child under different circumstances. So instead of techniques, Shanker offers a philosophical framework, with a huge body of scientific evidence for why his framework is effective in helping a wide variety of kids with a wide variety of problems.
For those who would like a bite-sized version of the advice portion of the book, I shall summarize:
When the kid is having a meltdown, shutting down completely, or otherwise acting out of control, it's because they are dis-regulated. This means they are in a high arousal state without enough reserved energy to bring themselves down to a lower arousal state, and their make-decisions thinking brain has been overridden by their just-stay-alive instinct brain. Your first job is to recognize that being out of control is not the kid's fault.
When the kid is behaving poorly, it dis-regulates you. This means you go into a high arousal state, and if you've got low energy, your thinking brain also stops working, and you're going to blow up or clam up and make the situation worse. Your second job is to regulate yourself.
How to regulate yourself:
Step one- Notice that you are becoming disregulated.
Step two- Name the things that are stressing you. Review all five domains: biological, emotional, cognitive, social, and pro-social.
Step three- Reduce the stressors.
Step four- Calm yourself down with whatever works best.
Step five- Reflect back on patterns so you can prevent disregulation by reducing the things you know deplete your energy, avoiding the things that increase your arousal when your energy is low, and seeking out the things that calm you.
Your third job is to help your child feel calm. Start when your child is not disregulated. Help them notice and practice the sensation of being calm. Your child should recognize “calm” as a state that is attentive, engaged, and relaxed. Seek out the situations, places, movements, and activities that result in your child feeling calm. Pay attention to all five domains: biological, emotional, cognitive, social, and pro-social.
Your fourth job is to follow the steps for your child.
Step one- Notice when your child is becoming dis-regulated.
Step two- Pay close attention to patterns in disregulation so you can accurately name the things that are stressing the child. Review all five domains: biological, emotional, cognitive, social, and pro-social.
Step three- Reduce the stressors.
Step four- Help the child calm themselves down with whatever techniques work best.
Step five- Reflect back on patterns so you can prevent disregulation by reducing the things you know deplete your child's energy, avoiding the things that increase their arousal when their energy is low, and seeking out the things that calm them.
Your fifth job is to teach your child to do all of the steps themselves.
For those who would like a bite-sized version of the advice portion of the book, I shall summarize:
When the kid is having a meltdown, shutting down completely, or otherwise acting out of control, it's because they are dis-regulated. This means they are in a high arousal state without enough reserved energy to bring themselves down to a lower arousal state, and their make-decisions thinking brain has been overridden by their just-stay-alive instinct brain. Your first job is to recognize that being out of control is not the kid's fault.
When the kid is behaving poorly, it dis-regulates you. This means you go into a high arousal state, and if you've got low energy, your thinking brain also stops working, and you're going to blow up or clam up and make the situation worse. Your second job is to regulate yourself.
How to regulate yourself:
Step one- Notice that you are becoming disregulated.
Step two- Name the things that are stressing you. Review all five domains: biological, emotional, cognitive, social, and pro-social.
Step three- Reduce the stressors.
Step four- Calm yourself down with whatever works best.
Step five- Reflect back on patterns so you can prevent disregulation by reducing the things you know deplete your energy, avoiding the things that increase your arousal when your energy is low, and seeking out the things that calm you.
Your third job is to help your child feel calm. Start when your child is not disregulated. Help them notice and practice the sensation of being calm. Your child should recognize “calm” as a state that is attentive, engaged, and relaxed. Seek out the situations, places, movements, and activities that result in your child feeling calm. Pay attention to all five domains: biological, emotional, cognitive, social, and pro-social.
Your fourth job is to follow the steps for your child.
Step one- Notice when your child is becoming dis-regulated.
Step two- Pay close attention to patterns in disregulation so you can accurately name the things that are stressing the child. Review all five domains: biological, emotional, cognitive, social, and pro-social.
Step three- Reduce the stressors.
Step four- Help the child calm themselves down with whatever techniques work best.
Step five- Reflect back on patterns so you can prevent disregulation by reducing the things you know deplete your child's energy, avoiding the things that increase their arousal when their energy is low, and seeking out the things that calm them.
Your fifth job is to teach your child to do all of the steps themselves.
September 5, 2016
Wonderful compliment to Peaceful Parenting, Playful Parenting, et al. because it covers the biology behind these parenting methods. The only reason I don't give it 5 stars is that it provides absolutely no self-reg methods to actually try. I think the author would argue that self-reg is so particular to each person, that no one approach works. I would have liked to see the range of possible approaches covered at some level.
April 13, 2020
Toward the end of the book, the author says that parents are now under a lot of pressure. Books like this make me feel very stressed indeed.
While Shanker starts with a very important premise - saying that self-control is definitely overrated, and self-regulation is a far more important skil - the book mainly consists of discussions of case studies, which make it clear that a parent is helpless without professional, and highly skilled, help. While I understand this is the standard format of many parenting books, this book makes parents look particularly helpless, children's behaviour very complex, and the transformations achieved by way of making serious lifestyle changes near-miraculous.
The last chapter and some of the analyses are quite useful, although -obviously - there is no one-size-fits-all programme, and main takeaways for me are that
* parents are burdened with responsibility for the emotional well-being of their children,
* it takes a very friendly village (school, environment, etc.) to raise a child,
* you need a child-whisperer to cope,
* parents probably need therapy first.
One more word of warning: if you happen to be raised by people who did not pay much attention to your emotional needs, you might be reading this book the way I did, in a full-on anthropological mode, thinking do people really feel that way and are we really supposed to go out of the way to make our kids feel loved and safe? Sigh.
While Shanker starts with a very important premise - saying that self-control is definitely overrated, and self-regulation is a far more important skil - the book mainly consists of discussions of case studies, which make it clear that a parent is helpless without professional, and highly skilled, help. While I understand this is the standard format of many parenting books, this book makes parents look particularly helpless, children's behaviour very complex, and the transformations achieved by way of making serious lifestyle changes near-miraculous.
The last chapter and some of the analyses are quite useful, although -obviously - there is no one-size-fits-all programme, and main takeaways for me are that
* parents are burdened with responsibility for the emotional well-being of their children,
* it takes a very friendly village (school, environment, etc.) to raise a child,
* you need a child-whisperer to cope,
* parents probably need therapy first.
One more word of warning: if you happen to be raised by people who did not pay much attention to your emotional needs, you might be reading this book the way I did, in a full-on anthropological mode, thinking do people really feel that way and are we really supposed to go out of the way to make our kids feel loved and safe? Sigh.
February 13, 2017
This is an interesting theoretical framework from which to understand children's behaviours. I appreciated the case studies and examples, but the book left me wondering how to actually apply this, both as an individual within an existing system, and also how we would apply this in a full-school way.
August 15, 2022
This book found me at just the right time and, as such, I have nothing to offer but praise. The lesson of this book, in my own interpretation, is that there are no bad children, only children who have a hard time dealing with stress. It is the parents' duty to identify and mitigate stressors in their young children's lives, and to teach these children how to practice what the author calls self-regulation (which mostly means teaching the child how to recognize that she is in a state of heightened stress and anxiety, and some techniques to provide relief).
However, more than techniques, tips and tricks, this book helps with perspective. The advice offered is not extremely practical, but rather it is the spirit of the book that catches on. This idea that children are easily stressed in our modern environment and that, as a response, they default to erratic behavior, that isn't helped by scaring the child into freezing. I think this will stay with me for a long time. We will see how it ages.
However, more than techniques, tips and tricks, this book helps with perspective. The advice offered is not extremely practical, but rather it is the spirit of the book that catches on. This idea that children are easily stressed in our modern environment and that, as a response, they default to erratic behavior, that isn't helped by scaring the child into freezing. I think this will stay with me for a long time. We will see how it ages.
April 26, 2020
Would probably give this 4.5 if I could, went with 4 as I'd stop short of putting it on my absolute short list of must-read parenting books. Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids covers a lot of this in maybe a bit more practical way. This book covers a bit more of the science behind it and is definitely worth reading and trying to apply to your interactions with your kids.
August 3, 2017
While this book could put an insomniac to sleep at moments from its in depth description of the human anatomical make up, I have to say this has been a life saver in our household. From the first time my daughter started to lose her cool and I calmly carried her to her bed and snuggled instead of getting angry, to the time when she looked at me and told me that she was feeling off because she needed a snack, my daughter has not thrown a single tantrum beyond 5 mins with this strategy. if you can make it through the science section, which is actually critical in understanding the methodology, the logic is wonderful!
December 29, 2021
Self-Reg is a useful way to look at behaviour, both of children and adults. I think I expected more tangible takeaways.
July 24, 2023
I am not the targeted audience for this book - my kids are adults, not babies. I grabbed this from the library so I could learn more about self regulating myself. There were parts that I skimmed, that didn't apply to me, but on the whole I found it a helpful book.
I'm a bit sad I didn't know this stuff when I was a kid or a teen or in my twenties. It would have been a godsend to be able to recognize when I was overwhelmed and to learn positive ways of coping instead of my maladaptive ones. Ah well, it's never to late to begin to change!
The book is definitely geared towards neurotypical people. All his examples end happily. The kid learns to self-regulate and doesn't struggle anymore. Very little mention of people with say, autism, who are not going to magically learn to change the make up of their brain. He would mention in passing, oh there is a genetic component sometimes, but then he'd go back to how changing behavior can effect total change.
There was a real blame-the-parents vibe at times. He would explicitly state, "I'm not blaming the parents" but then later on he would write something that did assign blame in a passive aggressive manner.So these issues with a narrow neurotypical focus and a sometimes judgey vibe brought my rating down to 3 stars.
Some of the many, many quotes I highlighted:
Self-control is about inhibiting impulses; self-regulation is about identifying the causes and reducing the intensity of impulses and, when necessary, having the energy to resist.
The more aware we are of when we're becoming over-stressed, and know how to break this cycle, the better we self-regulate: in other words, manage the myriad stresses in our lives.
In experiments it is remarkable to see how when children are chronically hypo-or hyperaroused, they are much more likely to label neutral pictures of actors' faces as hostile.
the most important awareness of all that a person needs to develop is what it feels like to be calm. Calmness comes only from the pleasurable feeling of releasing the tension in our body and mind and being aware that this is happening.
The question we always need to ask ourselves isn't "Why can't I control this urge?" It's "Why am I having this urge-why now?" It's not just cravings we are talking about here. It might be a constant worry or, for that matter, something unspecific: a general sense of dread or simmering anger, an intrusive thought, or a dark outlook.
Cars come equipped with a dashboard message system that alerts us when our engine is running hot, when fluids are low, or when the fuel supply is down to the reserve tank. We don't have such a system. There's no gauge to tell us when we've become stuck in a stress cycle that is rapidly draining our fuel tank and overheating our engine. Negative feelings, thoughts, and behaviors are those signals.
Engage your child in this process of self-awareness rather than trying to suppress or control what he is thinking, feeling, or doing. You'll help your child experience what "calm" feels like and learn how to access or create that state when he feels the need.
Be aware of hidden stressors. For some people noise or certain kinds of sound can be significant stressors. For others light or visual stimulation (too much or too little) is stressful. Other common stressors include smells, textures, sitting or standing, and waiting. Remarkably, our environment may
be highly stressful and yet we block this out as conscious in-formation. But those monitoring systems deep in the brain, the mammalian and reptilian brains, aren't blocking it out
We can get so used to feeling excessive stress that this state becomes normal
We need strategies to reduce our tension and replenish our energy. This is what makes Self-Reg a completely personal journey. No one size fits all here. What one person finds calming might have the opposite effect on the next.
It's natural to assume that when, say, you wake up in the middle of the night worried, the reason you can't get back to sleep is all these urgent problems. But it's not. This kind of anxious rumination is a sign that your internal alarm went off while you were asleep. You were likely in a high state of tension when you went to bed and stayed that way. Whatever triggered the alarm woke you with your heart rate, blood pressure, and breathing all elevated.It's the surge of adrenaline that's keeping you up and fueling the anxiety.
The point is to go for the so-called multiplier effect: rather than a "magic bullet" - a single activity to promote self-regulation- you should explore all sorts of self-regulating activities, including exercise, music, art, or other mindfulness activities.
The very act of reframing an intrusive thought or worry can instantly release tension
A person in a state of freeze is processing very little of what you're saying. And the more the fight-flight-or-freeze response is triggered, the more sensitive his reactivity to stress becomes. The nervous system becomes quicker to alarm and harder to calm.
hyperaroused - a state of heightened physiological and psychological tension
The reason he did it, at least initially, is that he found it so regulating, a point that applies to most people who spend a great deal of time engaged in some particular activity by choice. The reason they become so good at baking or art or playing the piano is not that they want to "be the best" but that engaging in the activity makes them feel good.
School and sports have grown increasingly competitive, social media has created a more complicated arena for friendship and social interaction, and many of the opportunities for rest and restoration
playing outdoors and true downtime, for instance-have disappeared from children's lives.
The sources of stress are so interwoven that instead of looking for a single stressor, like a splinter that needs to be removed, the task is to untangle the web of stress in which the child is caught.
Many kids don't even know what the physical sensation of "calm" feels like or what it feels like to be energetic without being hyper.
Absolutely anything can be a stressor. What is especially problematic for children is when something is a stressor for them but not for the adult with whom they are interacting. Far too often a teacher or a coach responds to a child's stress behavior as if it were misbehavior, as if the child were "acting up" or "choosing" to be irritating.
In the heat of the moment your child's actions or comments can trigger hyperarousal for you too. This is one reason why so often when a child is stressed, our attempts to help him end in conflict.
When a child is in distress, we feel an almost reflexive need to try to reason it away. The problem is that the systems in the brain that he would need to process well-intentioned reason go off-line when he's hyperaroused. He truly doesn't register what you're saying.
Our limbic systems are hardwired to respond in kind when confronted with someone else's aroused limbic system, positive or negative. This is why laughter is contagious and if someone shouts
angrily at us we instantly want to shout back-the reason we see road rage or see an argument escalate so quickly via texting.
There might well be strong biological factors that have tilted a child to a negative bias.
Some parents find it difficult to stay calm when their child explodes with anger. They tense up and may hightail it from the interaction, becoming emotionally absent if not physically so.
learn how to focus not on what you're feeling emotionally but on becoming more aware of what you're feeling physically
The anxiety is always there, however, like a constant hum in the background.
Rather than teach them to suppress their strong emotions, we want children to recognize when these emotions serve as a signal that they are overstressed and need to recover.
When you ask a person who is in a low-energy/high-tension state what he is feeling in his body, you will usually get the answer "nothing."
it's imperative that we distinguish between pressure-cooker "quiet"-liable to blow in an instant-and the self-regulated calm of emotional equilibrium. In the explosive scenario, the child's tension has been building, even though he doesn't show it
he could stay glued to video games for hours on end, it was hard to tell if this truly was a show of concentration, which is an active mental state, or was "attentional capture"-when something grabs your attention by interrupting other processing. This kind of attention, even for a prolonged period, is considered a passive mental state. For Tyler, as for many children with attention issues, the barrage of rapidly changing images, loud noises, and bright colors deployed by these games keeps them glued but acts as a brain drain, providing brief but exhausting jolts of energy that are dysregulating -like junk food for the brain.
For some people, even in their own language, a problem in the way the auditory center in their brain processes speech sounds makes it harder for them to understand what's being said.
He seemed to miss his body's cues for other simple things. He could be clearly shivering cold, yet she would have to tell him to put on a sweater. She had to stand over him to get him to eat even when she knew that he was hungry. As for going to bed, he never seemed to know when he was exhausted, even though it was so patently obvious to her.
All too often we confuse our needs with the child's: We seek to make children like Tyler more manageable, rather than self-managing.
Heightened stress also dampens or reduces sensory awareness.For a child who does have a particular sensory hypersensitivity or a problem processing certain kinds of information, heightened stress can seriously deplete his reserves.
it is particularly important to become aware of the sensory information coming from his proprioceptors -the sensory nerve endings in the muscles, tendons, joints, and inner ear that give him information about his position and movement.
children can concentrate for about the same number of minutes as their years in age.
you may have to let go of some of your assumptions-thinking that a child should sit up or have lots of light or have a quiet space to work. Maybe this is what works for you or what was required of you as a child, but it may not work that wav for your child.
This means becoming aware of his physical state: Is he feeling hungry, thirsty, tired, hot? He also needs to become aware of when and why he is so drawn to playing a video game, for example. And he needs to become aware of how this leaves him feeling when he turns it off. It's equally important that he become aware of how he feels after the sorts of activities that refresh and restore energy.
Our individual responses are the product of our unique biological temperament together with the history of social encounters that began when we were infants
Some children are born with a biology that leaves them drained and more susceptible to limbic arousal. For others something may have happened - an earlier experience or a history of hard feelings with someone-that has kindled their alarm.
Being exposed to someone else's stress or being expected to put someone else's needs ahead of one's own is a stressor. The amygdala is automatically aroused by someone else's anger or stressful behavior.
What's most important for teenagers is that they go through the five steps on their own. That is, they need to recognize the significance of things like having trouble getting out of bed or losing control at night; they have to figure out what their stressors are and then how to reduce them; they have to learn - or relearn-what it feels like to be calm, and figure out what they find soothing and restorative.
"Boredom" involves a distinctive and uncomfortable physical feeling that comes from having too much cortisol in the bloodstream. When the source of the stimulation is turned off, the mammalian and reptilian brains may respond to this imbalance with an abrupt swing from hyper- into hypoarousal....reframe the utterance "I'm bored," which simply signifies, "I feel yucky."
the child who eats too much junk food or spends too much time online may be diminishing his capacity to think about what he's eating or doing. The more a child gets hooked on these products, the more he wants the very things that have put him in this state in the first place. Far from a generation of satisfied, stimulated children, the result is just the opposite: stimulated, unsatisfied-indeed unsatisfiable-children.
We need to take very seriously: how closely tied we are to our children's emotional swings and challenges-and they to ours.The better we can stay calm and alert, the faster they will return to being calm and alert, which in turn will help us stay calm, which in turn .
I'm a bit sad I didn't know this stuff when I was a kid or a teen or in my twenties. It would have been a godsend to be able to recognize when I was overwhelmed and to learn positive ways of coping instead of my maladaptive ones. Ah well, it's never to late to begin to change!
The book is definitely geared towards neurotypical people. All his examples end happily. The kid learns to self-regulate and doesn't struggle anymore. Very little mention of people with say, autism, who are not going to magically learn to change the make up of their brain. He would mention in passing, oh there is a genetic component sometimes, but then he'd go back to how changing behavior can effect total change.
There was a real blame-the-parents vibe at times. He would explicitly state, "I'm not blaming the parents" but then later on he would write something that did assign blame in a passive aggressive manner.So these issues with a narrow neurotypical focus and a sometimes judgey vibe brought my rating down to 3 stars.
Some of the many, many quotes I highlighted:
Self-control is about inhibiting impulses; self-regulation is about identifying the causes and reducing the intensity of impulses and, when necessary, having the energy to resist.
The more aware we are of when we're becoming over-stressed, and know how to break this cycle, the better we self-regulate: in other words, manage the myriad stresses in our lives.
In experiments it is remarkable to see how when children are chronically hypo-or hyperaroused, they are much more likely to label neutral pictures of actors' faces as hostile.
the most important awareness of all that a person needs to develop is what it feels like to be calm. Calmness comes only from the pleasurable feeling of releasing the tension in our body and mind and being aware that this is happening.
The question we always need to ask ourselves isn't "Why can't I control this urge?" It's "Why am I having this urge-why now?" It's not just cravings we are talking about here. It might be a constant worry or, for that matter, something unspecific: a general sense of dread or simmering anger, an intrusive thought, or a dark outlook.
Cars come equipped with a dashboard message system that alerts us when our engine is running hot, when fluids are low, or when the fuel supply is down to the reserve tank. We don't have such a system. There's no gauge to tell us when we've become stuck in a stress cycle that is rapidly draining our fuel tank and overheating our engine. Negative feelings, thoughts, and behaviors are those signals.
Engage your child in this process of self-awareness rather than trying to suppress or control what he is thinking, feeling, or doing. You'll help your child experience what "calm" feels like and learn how to access or create that state when he feels the need.
Be aware of hidden stressors. For some people noise or certain kinds of sound can be significant stressors. For others light or visual stimulation (too much or too little) is stressful. Other common stressors include smells, textures, sitting or standing, and waiting. Remarkably, our environment may
be highly stressful and yet we block this out as conscious in-formation. But those monitoring systems deep in the brain, the mammalian and reptilian brains, aren't blocking it out
We can get so used to feeling excessive stress that this state becomes normal
We need strategies to reduce our tension and replenish our energy. This is what makes Self-Reg a completely personal journey. No one size fits all here. What one person finds calming might have the opposite effect on the next.
It's natural to assume that when, say, you wake up in the middle of the night worried, the reason you can't get back to sleep is all these urgent problems. But it's not. This kind of anxious rumination is a sign that your internal alarm went off while you were asleep. You were likely in a high state of tension when you went to bed and stayed that way. Whatever triggered the alarm woke you with your heart rate, blood pressure, and breathing all elevated.It's the surge of adrenaline that's keeping you up and fueling the anxiety.
The point is to go for the so-called multiplier effect: rather than a "magic bullet" - a single activity to promote self-regulation- you should explore all sorts of self-regulating activities, including exercise, music, art, or other mindfulness activities.
The very act of reframing an intrusive thought or worry can instantly release tension
A person in a state of freeze is processing very little of what you're saying. And the more the fight-flight-or-freeze response is triggered, the more sensitive his reactivity to stress becomes. The nervous system becomes quicker to alarm and harder to calm.
hyperaroused - a state of heightened physiological and psychological tension
The reason he did it, at least initially, is that he found it so regulating, a point that applies to most people who spend a great deal of time engaged in some particular activity by choice. The reason they become so good at baking or art or playing the piano is not that they want to "be the best" but that engaging in the activity makes them feel good.
School and sports have grown increasingly competitive, social media has created a more complicated arena for friendship and social interaction, and many of the opportunities for rest and restoration
playing outdoors and true downtime, for instance-have disappeared from children's lives.
The sources of stress are so interwoven that instead of looking for a single stressor, like a splinter that needs to be removed, the task is to untangle the web of stress in which the child is caught.
Many kids don't even know what the physical sensation of "calm" feels like or what it feels like to be energetic without being hyper.
Absolutely anything can be a stressor. What is especially problematic for children is when something is a stressor for them but not for the adult with whom they are interacting. Far too often a teacher or a coach responds to a child's stress behavior as if it were misbehavior, as if the child were "acting up" or "choosing" to be irritating.
In the heat of the moment your child's actions or comments can trigger hyperarousal for you too. This is one reason why so often when a child is stressed, our attempts to help him end in conflict.
When a child is in distress, we feel an almost reflexive need to try to reason it away. The problem is that the systems in the brain that he would need to process well-intentioned reason go off-line when he's hyperaroused. He truly doesn't register what you're saying.
Our limbic systems are hardwired to respond in kind when confronted with someone else's aroused limbic system, positive or negative. This is why laughter is contagious and if someone shouts
angrily at us we instantly want to shout back-the reason we see road rage or see an argument escalate so quickly via texting.
There might well be strong biological factors that have tilted a child to a negative bias.
Some parents find it difficult to stay calm when their child explodes with anger. They tense up and may hightail it from the interaction, becoming emotionally absent if not physically so.
learn how to focus not on what you're feeling emotionally but on becoming more aware of what you're feeling physically
The anxiety is always there, however, like a constant hum in the background.
Rather than teach them to suppress their strong emotions, we want children to recognize when these emotions serve as a signal that they are overstressed and need to recover.
When you ask a person who is in a low-energy/high-tension state what he is feeling in his body, you will usually get the answer "nothing."
it's imperative that we distinguish between pressure-cooker "quiet"-liable to blow in an instant-and the self-regulated calm of emotional equilibrium. In the explosive scenario, the child's tension has been building, even though he doesn't show it
he could stay glued to video games for hours on end, it was hard to tell if this truly was a show of concentration, which is an active mental state, or was "attentional capture"-when something grabs your attention by interrupting other processing. This kind of attention, even for a prolonged period, is considered a passive mental state. For Tyler, as for many children with attention issues, the barrage of rapidly changing images, loud noises, and bright colors deployed by these games keeps them glued but acts as a brain drain, providing brief but exhausting jolts of energy that are dysregulating -like junk food for the brain.
For some people, even in their own language, a problem in the way the auditory center in their brain processes speech sounds makes it harder for them to understand what's being said.
He seemed to miss his body's cues for other simple things. He could be clearly shivering cold, yet she would have to tell him to put on a sweater. She had to stand over him to get him to eat even when she knew that he was hungry. As for going to bed, he never seemed to know when he was exhausted, even though it was so patently obvious to her.
All too often we confuse our needs with the child's: We seek to make children like Tyler more manageable, rather than self-managing.
Heightened stress also dampens or reduces sensory awareness.For a child who does have a particular sensory hypersensitivity or a problem processing certain kinds of information, heightened stress can seriously deplete his reserves.
it is particularly important to become aware of the sensory information coming from his proprioceptors -the sensory nerve endings in the muscles, tendons, joints, and inner ear that give him information about his position and movement.
children can concentrate for about the same number of minutes as their years in age.
you may have to let go of some of your assumptions-thinking that a child should sit up or have lots of light or have a quiet space to work. Maybe this is what works for you or what was required of you as a child, but it may not work that wav for your child.
This means becoming aware of his physical state: Is he feeling hungry, thirsty, tired, hot? He also needs to become aware of when and why he is so drawn to playing a video game, for example. And he needs to become aware of how this leaves him feeling when he turns it off. It's equally important that he become aware of how he feels after the sorts of activities that refresh and restore energy.
Our individual responses are the product of our unique biological temperament together with the history of social encounters that began when we were infants
Some children are born with a biology that leaves them drained and more susceptible to limbic arousal. For others something may have happened - an earlier experience or a history of hard feelings with someone-that has kindled their alarm.
Being exposed to someone else's stress or being expected to put someone else's needs ahead of one's own is a stressor. The amygdala is automatically aroused by someone else's anger or stressful behavior.
What's most important for teenagers is that they go through the five steps on their own. That is, they need to recognize the significance of things like having trouble getting out of bed or losing control at night; they have to figure out what their stressors are and then how to reduce them; they have to learn - or relearn-what it feels like to be calm, and figure out what they find soothing and restorative.
"Boredom" involves a distinctive and uncomfortable physical feeling that comes from having too much cortisol in the bloodstream. When the source of the stimulation is turned off, the mammalian and reptilian brains may respond to this imbalance with an abrupt swing from hyper- into hypoarousal....reframe the utterance "I'm bored," which simply signifies, "I feel yucky."
the child who eats too much junk food or spends too much time online may be diminishing his capacity to think about what he's eating or doing. The more a child gets hooked on these products, the more he wants the very things that have put him in this state in the first place. Far from a generation of satisfied, stimulated children, the result is just the opposite: stimulated, unsatisfied-indeed unsatisfiable-children.
We need to take very seriously: how closely tied we are to our children's emotional swings and challenges-and they to ours.The better we can stay calm and alert, the faster they will return to being calm and alert, which in turn will help us stay calm, which in turn .
April 30, 2024
Read this as a book study for prac. Although this book is more geared towards parents, it was still really impactful to read this book and apply it to experiences I’ve had with students in both pre and middle school. Enjoyed the emphasis on self-control not being the same as self-regulation. It’s super easy to fall into a habit of telling a person to “calm down” when that’s not a trauma informed response. Instead, being able to help them better identify and cope with their stress responses is a more effective way of helping them build skills to regulate their emotions. Being able to recognize that all individuals have different backgrounds and experiences paired with the idea that being dysregulated is not a child’s fault is my main takeaway from this study.
April 14, 2022
This is helpful as a parent and a person. It provides important insights on the role of the parent as co-regulator with their child, which necessitates self-regulation by the parent.
It walks through different spheres of disregulation and offers a framework for helping achieve calm and energy in those spheres.
It walks through different spheres of disregulation and offers a framework for helping achieve calm and energy in those spheres.
July 3, 2021
EVERYONE WHO IS A HUMAN SHOULD READ THIS BOOK! (Says my brilliant friend Crystal.) I heartily agree. This book is amazing, and well-timed as I feel super inadequate at knowing how to respond to challenges in parenting and life. I wish I'd read this book years ago.
Full review: https://www.thegoodlogger.com/post/st...
Full review: https://www.thegoodlogger.com/post/st...
October 25, 2022
Książka opisuje rozwój mózgu i sposoby przetwarzania bodźców dzięki czemu łatwiej stwierdzić co się z nami lub dziećmi dzieje i poradzić sobie w niepokojących sytuacjach. Dzięki wielu przykładom łatwiej nauczyć się schematów i obserwacji siebie i dzieci by odczytać co jest grane. Polecam ludziom o „krótkim loncie” i ich partnerom i rodzicom wszystkich bombli.
June 26, 2019
Bardzo ciekawa, naszpikowana faktami naukowymi, ale i prostymi prawdami książka o tym, jak można wspierać nasze dzieci w rozwoju emocjonalnym poprzez wychwytywanie stresorów, uniemożliwiających naszym pociechom spokojne pochłanianie wiedzy o otaczającym je świecie.
Autor każdą tezę popiera praktycznymi przykładami dzieci, których zachowania uznaje się za trudne (uwaga: to nie dzieci są złe, niegrzeczne, czy niedostosowane, to ich zachowania takie bywają!) i w jaki sposób metody samoregulacji ułatwiły im życie. O ile tylko rodzicie podjęli wysiłek, by dzieci dokładnie obserwować, rozmawiać z nimi i tworzyć im bezpieczne środowisko do wyrażania każdej emocji. Bo tych nie należy tłumić, ale odreagowywać.
Co ważne, potwierdza się, że do zdenerwowanego, zezłoszczonego dziecka nie docierają żadne racjonalne argumenty. Sztuką jest zatem zachowanie opanowania u dorosłego, wyciszenie dziecka i dopiero później nauka poprawnych reakcji.
Bardzo mądra to książka, bardzo.
Autor każdą tezę popiera praktycznymi przykładami dzieci, których zachowania uznaje się za trudne (uwaga: to nie dzieci są złe, niegrzeczne, czy niedostosowane, to ich zachowania takie bywają!) i w jaki sposób metody samoregulacji ułatwiły im życie. O ile tylko rodzicie podjęli wysiłek, by dzieci dokładnie obserwować, rozmawiać z nimi i tworzyć im bezpieczne środowisko do wyrażania każdej emocji. Bo tych nie należy tłumić, ale odreagowywać.
Co ważne, potwierdza się, że do zdenerwowanego, zezłoszczonego dziecka nie docierają żadne racjonalne argumenty. Sztuką jest zatem zachowanie opanowania u dorosłego, wyciszenie dziecka i dopiero później nauka poprawnych reakcji.
Bardzo mądra to książka, bardzo.
April 17, 2021
This book.
Wow.
Since starting to read it, my relationships with myself, my son, my newborn, my partner, and my own mother have all subtly shifted.
So many interest areas— neuroscience, mindfulness, movement practice, connection to nature, the strategies from occupational therapists we have used with my son with sensory challenges, Brene Browns work on shame, my own observations as a parent, and my own struggles with being healthy— find a framework in this book. A practical framework on how to identify what state you’re in and experiencing, what’s hard for you right now, what you’re missing, and get calm and honest and connect to find some ease.
I know this book will help me become a better advocate for my sons and myself, too.
The writing style was lucid and engaging with just the right amount of examples and scientific facts. Plain language as also super appreciated.
Life changing book.
Wow.
Since starting to read it, my relationships with myself, my son, my newborn, my partner, and my own mother have all subtly shifted.
So many interest areas— neuroscience, mindfulness, movement practice, connection to nature, the strategies from occupational therapists we have used with my son with sensory challenges, Brene Browns work on shame, my own observations as a parent, and my own struggles with being healthy— find a framework in this book. A practical framework on how to identify what state you’re in and experiencing, what’s hard for you right now, what you’re missing, and get calm and honest and connect to find some ease.
I know this book will help me become a better advocate for my sons and myself, too.
The writing style was lucid and engaging with just the right amount of examples and scientific facts. Plain language as also super appreciated.
Life changing book.
October 18, 2020
This book helped me connect so many pieces of information I’ve gained over my years as an educator and parent. I so appreciate the recognition that we are too often stuck in the mindset of expecting our children to simply HAVE self-control, while we should instead focus on helping them LEARN self-regulation. In addition, I am thankful that the author points of various pieces of advice often found in popular parenting books and recognizes how they negatively affect us. I’m sure I will be remembering “don’t focus on parenting styles - instead focus on a calm and consistent response style”. Such a simple piece of advice, but potentially life-changing! I look forward to letting this book stew in my brain in the months to come - and even more so see how it changes the way I walk alongside my kids in our shared quest for self-regulation!
March 21, 2019
What a book! The main reason why I liked this book so much is that it pieced together all the other books that I've read on child and adult behavior and delivered (I believe) a sound theory on one of the causes of "bad" behavior - stress.
My main takeaways are to identify potential stressors, observe how these stressors impact ME and my family, take steps to get everyone back to a calm state, THEN attempt to teach and correct the behavior.
Really a great book, definitely adding this one to the personal library for future use.
My main takeaways are to identify potential stressors, observe how these stressors impact ME and my family, take steps to get everyone back to a calm state, THEN attempt to teach and correct the behavior.
Really a great book, definitely adding this one to the personal library for future use.
March 24, 2019
I am a big believer in Self-Reg and its concepts. There are so many great takeaways in this book, as a parent, educator, and a human! I found all of the research and information on the brain overwhelming and heavy. I would love to read a shorter, simplified book about Self-Reg.
September 26, 2022
Two concepts I found very helpful: “You can’t reason with an aroused limbic system… you soothe it and “Overstimulation produces boredom”
This book does a nice job reframing children’s behavior and explosively as a need to regulate. Shanker talks extensively about a parent’s need to self-regulate as a starting point in creating more coping skills for a child - how easily parents may become triggered in their own parent/child interactions and what to do in those moments: get calm. Though there aren’t a lot of step by step guidance on how to do this, I think the book is a great resource and filled with ample neuropsychology and research to know what helps and what doesn’t when it comes to dysregulation and the fear response. I def. recommend this book.
This book does a nice job reframing children’s behavior and explosively as a need to regulate. Shanker talks extensively about a parent’s need to self-regulate as a starting point in creating more coping skills for a child - how easily parents may become triggered in their own parent/child interactions and what to do in those moments: get calm. Though there aren’t a lot of step by step guidance on how to do this, I think the book is a great resource and filled with ample neuropsychology and research to know what helps and what doesn’t when it comes to dysregulation and the fear response. I def. recommend this book.
September 23, 2025
The first few sentences may make people put down the book, but just hold on—there’s tons of value as you keep going. While I do think that there can be bad people (even kids) who have seared their conscience (and a definition of “bad” might need to be agreed upon before that conversation will work), the vast majority of children aren’t that, and this author helps think through and address “problem child” behavior for the reality that it is: Kids are kids; be the grown up.
March 27, 2023
So the theory of this book is solid, very interesting and persuasive. So I’m as totally sold on the understanding but felt a little left high and dry as to what to do next. It was more theoretical and less practical. I would have loved a little more direction of what to do next once you understood the need for self regulation.
December 21, 2021
I've been a huge fan of Dr. Shanker's research on self-regulation for years. This concept was hugely foundational concept studied in my Master's program, and helps to frame readers' understanding of why kids behave "poorly". Probably one of my favourite teaching theory books!
May 6, 2019
Simple and profound ideas. New point of view to any kid’s „bad” behaviour.
Every parent should read it!
Every parent should read it!
July 19, 2019
3.5 stars
April 18, 2022
Best book I have read related to helping parents out with understanding triggers of children.
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November 3, 2024Unfinished at 59%.
August 28, 2019
This book is a really good reminder that there is always a reason for a behaviour we see in children. Self Reg shares lots of anecdotes and stories that show how to use self reg in action.
August 8, 2016
Self-Reg is one of those books that represents a paradigm shift in how to view parenting. Rather than focusing on teaching self-control, Shanker argues to teach children to self-regulate. By this he means paying attention to what creates feelings of calmness and what creates feelings of either hyper or hypo-arousal, and teaching children to do things that promote the feelings of calmness.
I'm a counselor, however, this book is rather detailed and I can see people who don't have a background in psychology struggling with some of the concepts. While as a parent I found a lot of things helpful, as a professional I remain frustrated, because between the factors of poverty and a culture that is heavy on children being obedient and compliant, I have experienced tremendous pushback against these ideas.
I did like the focus on the adolescent brain and the challenges our teenagers face now with the changing landscape of social media. Considering a lot of my work and research has been done with younger children, this will be a starting point for researching for when my own kids get to be that age.
I'm a counselor, however, this book is rather detailed and I can see people who don't have a background in psychology struggling with some of the concepts. While as a parent I found a lot of things helpful, as a professional I remain frustrated, because between the factors of poverty and a culture that is heavy on children being obedient and compliant, I have experienced tremendous pushback against these ideas.
I did like the focus on the adolescent brain and the challenges our teenagers face now with the changing landscape of social media. Considering a lot of my work and research has been done with younger children, this will be a starting point for researching for when my own kids get to be that age.
January 29, 2018
The book explains that children (and adults, anyone) often have bad behavior not because they are consciously misbehaving, but because they are so stressed out they can't help it. And then it says the solution is to help the child 1) recognize when they are stressed out, then 2) learn how to calm themselves. This is great, and the book is filled with examples of all the ways someone might be stressed out (hungry, tired, under pressure, sensitive to light, et al) some obvious, others not so obvious.
But it's pretty short on actually giving concrete advice about HOW to teach the child to calm down. You're supposed to figure it out together, and while I appreciate that everyone is different, so one technique won't be the magic bullet for everyone, I think a few more examples would have made this a more useful book.
But it's pretty short on actually giving concrete advice about HOW to teach the child to calm down. You're supposed to figure it out together, and while I appreciate that everyone is different, so one technique won't be the magic bullet for everyone, I think a few more examples would have made this a more useful book.
December 27, 2020
Helpful book to understand the ways parents communicate to kids, including non-verbal "interbrain" connections. Added a vocabulary for me to understand those communications, and helped re-frame certain behaviors as not due to a child's lack of self control, but typical stress response behaviors.
A friend recommended this book as extremely helpful for him and his kids, and I enjoyed it as well, and think I'm happy to put into practice stress relieving activities and promoting awareness of how calm feels to my child and pointing out times where she is overly stressed and needs to regulate herself (to the extent she is capable).
A friend recommended this book as extremely helpful for him and his kids, and I enjoyed it as well, and think I'm happy to put into practice stress relieving activities and promoting awareness of how calm feels to my child and pointing out times where she is overly stressed and needs to regulate herself (to the extent she is capable).
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