The Princess Bitchface Syndrome 2.0

by Michael Carr-Gregg, Elly Robinson

What do you do when your previously quiet, loving daughter becomes a restless, rebellious stranger who acts like a responsible adult one day and a rude, selfish brat the next? You stay calm, and consult the experts.

By the time they turn thirteen, adolescent girls look like they're ready for anything – but they're not. Our girls are growing up in a society that is rapidly changing and challenging the skills of even the most experienced parents. A roadmap is needed to guide parents through this new landscape, to ensure we bring up happy, healthy young women.

This indispensable book focuses on the special trials of raising adolescent girls today, including:
· adolescent development in a new society
· pressures at school
· parenting strategies that work
· parenting in the digital age
· sex and drugs
· mental health.

In this fully revised and expanded edition, leading adolescent psychologist Dr Michael Carr-Gregg and researcher Elly Robinson also discuss the single most prolific and influential factor of our times – technology.

If you feel like you’re losing control when it comes to parenting your daughter, it's time to grab back the reins.

Genres: Nonfiction, Parenting, Love, Self Help

224 pages, Paperback

First published July 3, 2006

Reviews

[Suz · Rating 5 out of 5]

Hard to rate what is essentially a resource book (much needed by me at the moment) but definitely 5 stars.

I think my fave line from this informative, and let’s be honest, aptly named book, is this. Thank God:

“Parents need to think of this journey as an economist would. At first you invest your love and enery, and the returns are great. Middle adolescence can sometimes feel like a recession, as you get little or nothing back. But the good news is that towards the end of the journey most parents discover that not only I their original investment still there, on the whole its value has increased immeasurably.” I live in hope!!!

I keep asking friends/colleagues/sporting parents ‘Do they come back?’ In sheer desperation, as I don’t recall being this bad. Yes, I still have my doubts, but this cool headed ultra calm Aussie Psychologist assures me it’ll be ok. Just have to change what I’m doing – quite a lot in places it seems.

I like this one, and I’ve broached this also “There are advantages to being a floater, for example, who is free to BE GENUINE rather than living simply to please others.”

This is so true!: “When I misbehaved in my youth, my father just had to look at me in a stern way and I’d stop. Today’s parents can look and look, because the average adolescent (male or female) will look straight back (and as likely or not, roll their eyes)."

But this is the stuff that I see everywhere: “Saying ‘No’ seems harsh or overly authoritarian. If we continue down such a path, we are failing in our responsibilities as parents to establish guidelines, to teach moral and ethical values. Worse, these girls will not learn problem-solving strategies, how to be responsible and to develop the internal resources to manage stress, loss, failure and disappointment (simple facts of life as we grow up) an so almost any bump in the road will knock them sideways.”

Wish me luck, please?!

[Allegra S · Rating 1 out of 5]

What did I just read????? This book lost me after the first few pages when an example father figure referred to his daughter as 'the fruit of his loin'. Excuse me while I go vomit!!!!

I thought this book would be interesting and provide some good examples about how parents and teen girls can get along better. It provided absolutely no help or tips or guidance, just rambled on repeating over and over again that they have mature bodies but their brains aren't developed.

I'm sorry, not all teenagers are stupid and disorganized. They're a lot smarter and better at making decisions than you are giving them credit for. The main problem they have is figuring out their place in the world, realizing that their parents aren't perfect and that they need to learn and grow outside of their families. How can their families support and guide them from a distance while still maintaining loving relationships. A lot of people struggle with this but this book provided no tips on how to do this.

This book is pointless, don't wast your time.

[Sarah Ellett · Rating 1 out of 5]

my abusive birth mother bought this book about a year before she was removed from my life by child protective services. This book helped her justify her systemic abuse; she called me 'Princess Bitch Face' every single day for several months.

[Kristen · Rating 1 out of 5]

This author titled this book with an abusive slur which if read by any child passing by would break their trust and feelings of a “safe space with you instantly”. This book was really written by and for enablers, narcissists and abusers alike. This author clearly has limited scientific and updated education or experience since the 80s. His usage of terms , “loin fruit” and “bitchface” minimize children as less than human or only as an extension of you or your own traumas and outdated beliefs. It reiterates the same old proverb of crazy irrational hormone energy and their all crazy it’s not your fault. As opposed to a well rounded approach that seeks to harbor a safe space for teens to converse and be heard and inderstood and that to be reciprocated by them and the willingness on both sides to express emotions openly in healthy ways. This also does not properly delve into the child’s environment when being eased, their own prior traumas as well as the parent’s, or and prior damaging parenting “techniques “ or abuse that might have occurred causing one to “rebel”. This book I am sure has caused more damage than good. And any parent willing to have this book in their home where their child can see, you yourself may need help.

[Ralph · Rating 2 out of 5]

This review is intended to not discount the book, but to promote the female and/or woman adolescent perspective: the flip side of the coin that's often left by the wayside in parental support.

1. US VS. THEM
Humans naturally form in-groups and out-groups. It's an us vs. them mentality needed for survival. This book promotes a parent vs. female and/or woman adolescent divide, looking at the teenager like some out-group social experiment. This can be quite debilitating for a parent-offspring relationship.

This isn't a fight; you don't need armour. You need the complete opposite of hard armour. As I will point out further below, adolescents are valid human beings just as much as you or me.

2. MEMORY INTERFERENCE
As Roald Dahl once indicated, adults don't remember what it was actually like to be a child. Our adult brains and the interpretation of our memories have removed us from the up-close feelings, thoughts and trauma of female and/or woman adolescence. As a female + woman high school teacher with a psychology background, I'm reminded of their struggles everyday from the perspective of a non-parent. I hear them speak and watch them cry. A lot of them have no emotional support system at home; they have been isolated, ostracised, micro-examined and minimised - often with books like these overtly in the parents' hands as a justification.

I urge all parents reading this, particularly mothers with first-hand past experience of female and/or woman adolescence, to deeply remember and reconnect. Walk a mile in their shoes again. It involves a lot of painful memories and uncomfortable feelings that adults have suppressed, but is needed when raising a teenager. That is called empathy. No book can ever replace empathy.

3. UNRECOGNISED ISSUES
You need to really consider that your teenager is suffering with mental health difficulties, like depression and/or anxiety, and needs professional support outside a book. Furthermore, your teenager could have added diversity in disability, neurodiversity, sexuality, gender identity or cultural differences. Even more, they could have met traumatic situations.
I remember my emotional outbursts, trying to communicate through the confusion what I needed to feel supported and safe. Often, my family would point to this book and invalidate my experience, further minimising and isolating my thoughts/feelings/behaviours. Even as adults, family members still buy into this harmful cycle of trivialising and dismissing my perspective based on past family patterns; it's very difficult to learn new patterns from those ingrained during that childhood period. Only as an adult with a lot of professional discussion have I realised that in my adolescence and early adulthood I fought depression, later depression + anxiety, everyday alone for years, plus had unrecognised neurodiversity adding more psychological complexity. If only I had adult recognition of the cause/symptoms without the 'princess bitchface' idea and adults had a sensitive discussion with me, or took me to an adolescent specialist psychologist. Teenagers need guidance to navigate a lot of startling concepts of reality; parents naturally land with the responsibility no matter what.

4. THE 'PHASE' IDEA
A lot of comments and reviews are like, "When do I get her [my little girl] back?"
a) Growing into female and/or woman adulthood does not mean reverting back to "my little girl" personalities, which are harmful expectations to psychological/social development and driven by patriarchal concepts. Your little girl you remember and want back complied with instructions, was quiet when needed, made non-detrimental choices and passively received information. A teenager and then adult is past that stage. That's life. That's fair to them. Adulthood means strong communication, setting boundaries, being respectful and having values, which your teenager is growing into with healthy guidance (hopefully from you, the parent).
b) This thinking can be harmful because you minimise, invalidate and isolate a teenager's thoughts/feelings/behaviour as a 'phase' you have to endure. It is not endurance. It is experience. This is a person. They are right in front of you, in this present moment. As a teenager, I sensed the energy in a room like they were all constantly concealing their eye-rolls, waiting for the wind to change. They loved me (out of duty), but didn't like me. This further created isolation and enhanced feelings of being misunderstood. Not good if your teenager needs mental health support.

5. KEEP PARENTING RESOURCES PRIVATE
Do not ever show this book to your teenager or let them even know of its existence. This goes for any parenting book, particularly titles with negative connotations. Parenting books are great for advice, but often view humans through a removed, clinical lens like any psychology-based textbook. Instantly, your teenager could identify that you view them more of a clinical trial lab rat than a real person.
What a disagreeable title (for marketing purposes) this book has to scar a teenager, isolating and invalidating their human experience. It instantly breaks trust of the only support system your teenager knows and is raised to know. Your teenager is not a "princess" (promoting entitlement) or a "bitchface" (promoting a horrible, debilitating and anti-feminist discourse of female
and/or woman adolescence...even with the label continuing into adulthood). They are a human being with autonomy and rights and valid thoughts and feelings. You are their guide; you are older, wiser and more experienced in life than them. They are essentially stumbling around in the dark begging for direction and support psychologically. They trust you and need you.

6. SITUATIONAL VS. DISPOSITIONAL ATTRIBUTION
In social psychology, we tend to do 'the fundamental attribution error' which is when we attribute how bad a situation is to the other person's disposition (personality, characteristics, looks etc.), not to the environment circumstances right then. e.g. A person quickly looks away from you. You attribute their behaviour to them being rude (disposition) instead of attributing their behaviour to them looking away from the glaring light behind you (situation).
It's an unconscious bias we all have. We make judgements of situations from our perspective only, not others'.

We need to separate a person from the situation. This period of time is difficult, not your teenager. The experience your teenager is facing is difficult, not your teenager. The experience a parent faces is difficult, not their teenager.

7. AUTHOR POV
This type of book has great points, but also consider the assigned sex and identifying gender of the author compared to the real experience of female and/or woman adolescence, linking to my second point.

8. A DIFFICULT SOCIETY
Again, consider how patriarchal constructs in our society have reduced assigned females and identifying women to "princesses", "bitchfaces" and other reducing names, other reducing concepts like "phases" and "when will I get my calm, loving daughter [translate: a complying product of patriarchy] back?" Perhaps your teenager is practicing assertion of valid thoughts and feelings as they navigate complex social paradigms (power, validation, sexualisation, capitalism etc), and parents misinterpret assertion (or any miscommunication) as aggression - "the bitch". Think back to Katherina (the shrew) in Shakespeare's 'The Taming of the Shrew' and her misunderstood assertion in reaction to circumstances. Think about the man-driven plot and what Katherina had to endure - while being labelled a shrew! Icky feeling, right? Sadly, the same icky discourse still is found today in one of our most developmentally, socially, sexually and commercially vulnerable social groups: female and/or woman adolescents.
Maybe healthy, open discussions, coping mechanisms and modelling healthy ways to express subjective YET VALID thoughts/feelings are needed, rather than discounting what is witnessed as a "bitch episode".

These types of books do have valid points, but also 'take it with a grain of salt'. The intentions of Carr-Greg are honest and this book has helped many with awareness, but please be aware of us vs. them paradigms and critically examine the title's connotations and other language - "surviving", "selfish brat", "vampish", "rebellious", "waiting to become human again" - feeding into a toxic discourse that dismisses perspectives. I wish this book was called "Supporting Your Adolescent To Grow" with healthy undertones.

I'm giving it a neutral rating for the reassuring parental support it offers, yet also for the dangerous ideologies it can trap parents into believing.
A true double-edged sword.

[Maddy · Rating 3 out of 5]

I feel like I’ve known about this book forever. I would stare at it with hatred whenever it came out of hiding from the room I wasn’t allowed to enter. This is because for me, the fact that my parents thought I was a Princess Bitchface made me very angry. I think they really should have explained it to me, because to a <12 year old girl, seeing books with names like “Princess Bitchface Syndrome”, “Queen Bees and Wannabees” and “When to Really Worry” on your parents’ bedside table stirs all kinds of emotions, from distress to disappointment to fury. I understand now of course that it’s just a marketing tactic to catch the attention of parents with an outrageous title, but back then it actually bothered me! After I found my mum’s self-help books from Dr Phil I think I stopped taking her books seriously and forgot about being offended, but when I was combing the library for isolation books to read, I found Bitchface again and thought it would be interesting to read a book that defined my parents’ parenting style and also read about my own existence from a man who would treat me like a fellow adult and parent. In short, it was trippy, but a good trip. In long:

Some of Michael Carr-Gregg’s opinions on the thoughts of female adolescents feel patronising to me, a female adolescent. I’m certain I was capable of logical thought before 14, and I could definitely understand abstract values before 17. I mean, seriously? Death is abstract and everyone understands the concept of passing away from a very young age. I was impressed by other things that he explained better than I ever could, such as staring into the fire time and principled morality. There was a table included which summarised the traits of teenage girls divided into early middle and late adolescence which did its job effectively, but I move to have ‘daydreaming common’ removed entirely because that is not a trait of adolescence, it is a personal inclination and something that many people don’t grow out of after 12.

It’s strange because I can remember things that my parents said to me that obviously came from the book, like brain development during puberty and use of sarcasm and the almost incessant reminders from my mum to not be popular. Looking at the ‘parental responsibility’ section of the aforementioned table, I found that my parents had followed the advice to a tee, and I think I can even remember when exactly they decided to switch approaches as I ‘levelled up’, so to say. Later in the book there’s a top 10 list that my parents probably learnt off by heart too. except for the ‘keep calm’ bit. I also appreciated the cartoons about the struggles of parenting a teenager that are peppered throughout, I will admit that they are smart and a teensy bit funny, even though the 13 year old inside me wants to yell “THAT’S NOT HOW IT IS!!”. I did find it interesting reading about puberty from the point of view of a parent and I would recommend other young people to read the books their parents read on raising kids, but any longer and I don’t think I could have finished this. Using the book’s categories of parents, I would say mine tried to be Watchdogs but ended up being more Rambo-type and were more psychologically controlling than they intended to be, but that’s ok, because the perfect parents are a myth, just like the perfect child. I’m a bit annoyed at myself after having read this and seen how I’ve played into both the expectations of my parents and the predictions of Carr-Gregg.

I was impressed with the his efforts to not bash phones and the internet and such until he mentioned watching too much TV as a possible reason for why puberty is arriving earlier, and then referenced a failed experiment on the topic. I feel this definitely should have been left out, as it comes across as an attempt to either plant the seed of doubt in parents’ minds or confirm their fears that the TV is Satan. This is less relevant now as TV is enjoyed by older generations just as much as young, but at the time the book was published I think it would have been more of a topic of contention between parents and teens. In my opinion, the author also should have expanded the section on under-fathering. It’s a recurring problem I’ve noticed in people my age and it’s something that should have been addressed more thoroughly.

My advice to parents is to be more flexible. This book puts more emphasis on providing structure for your children and seeks to put all teenage girls in a box which makes it easier for hapless parents to digest. It presents a stereotype and while I could certainly identify with parts of it and I felt as if MCG understood aspects of the experience, it’s not entirely true for many girls. Reading Princess Bitchface may be a good introduction and a decent way to introduce you to the basics and some of the science, but you can’t parent solely from a book.

[I love books · Rating 2 out of 5]

I had high hopes but was extremely disappointed. The part about adolescent brain changes is good, although no revelation. The book begins with an example of a 13 year old who had been "out in the city" with 2 friends. As the author is Australian like myself, I was left wondering what "city" this refers to because I personally do not know any parents who would let 13 year olds wander around a large Australian city by themselves (although I am sure they are out there somewhere). However this was just accepted as normal, and set the tone for the rest of the book. Readers should be aware that the book focuses on the "cool" pseudomature teen, the "Princess Bitchface" of the title, when teen girls are hopefully far more diverse. The teen girl who is not obsessed with clothes or likes science and maths does not exist in this book. The advice is at times contradictory and answered few of my parenting questions.

[Julie · Rating 4 out of 5]

Don't be put off by the title. It is not an aggressive book. I found it accessible, reassuring and very helpful. Totally relevant, totally up to date. An excellent resource for parents of teenage daughters.

[Jacqui · Rating 4 out of 5]

An insightful book that helps parents understand the moods, messiness and melodrama that is adolescence.

[Mark Parry · Rating 5 out of 5]

I listened to an audio version of this book, about 3 hours. I found it provided an interesting insight into the psychology of adolescent girls/young women and the typical power dynamics within various social contexts. It is very much written as a reference book, with the aim of enlightening audiences - parents, teachers, peers - and addressing social disharmony. This is sensitive, familiar territory for many people, however I found this book to be worthwhile and valuable to read (listen to). It offers many practical approaches and ideas and has a comprehensive reference section at the end, with links to further resources. The title is quite compelling but might be too confronting - and off putting - for many readers!

[Natalie M · Rating 3 out of 5]

This has been on my list for quite some time but I really don’t feel like there was much new information. It may be that there is a strong correlation to Queen Bees and Wannabes, just renamed (although apt, not the greatest title) Princess Bitchface.
Some very good reminders of the biological developmental stages and why certain behaviours drive you completely insane in the teen years.
If you’re living or working with pre-teens this is one would be a good read of what’s to come, what to look out for and where to turn for some reliable, solid information.

[Rob Manwaring · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was recommened in The Age a couple of weeks ago, and ineivtably the title grabbed me! Amusingly, the first vignette in Chapter 1 shares the same name with my nearly-13-year 'Princess'.

So far read half the book in one sitting, and despite the title it is great in terms of tone and explaining what (might be) going on with my daughter. It wears its learnign lightly, and these two child psychologists, clearly experienced with the age-group offer some nice insights. The strategies are a bit generic, but the insights great. Highly recommended so far....

[Penney · Rating 3 out of 5]

Key takeaway, for me, was appreciating my Miss 13 is at an age where achieving increasing levels of independence is what is developmentally normal now (I kept reminiscing about my little girl). And that all the (sometimes terrible) confrontational or non-engaging behaviour is a basic way of getting this. Being quiet and firm and trying to give her as much autonomy as possible is key.

[Dionysi Krinas · Rating 5 out of 5]

Wish I read this 10 years ago. As a schoolteacher this has really opened my eyes to some crucial facts that one needs to know when dealing with adolescents, particularly females. It is so unfair to expect adult action and reaction from people who just aren’t adults yet. I look forward to reading the male equivalent ‘The Prince Boofhead Syndrome’

[Jen · Rating 2 out of 5]

Some good advice but nothing new. Still a good idea to recap if you are dealing with teens.

[Sunshine Biskaps · Rating 4 out of 5]

"The Princess Bitchface Syndrome" by Michael Carr-Gregg
Reviewed on 12 October 2021

I found this book entertaining and somewhat helpful. I picked up the audiobook, but my version didn't have the 2.0 behind it.

Always say what you mean and mean what you say is an important rule. You need to have credibility and be consistent with your parenting. Nonverbal parenting speaks louder than words. Focus on the positives is a huge aspect that I know I need to focus on more with my teenager. I find that I am often critical of her, and need to be more mindful.

Overall, I find that this book was good. It just mentioned a lot of things that were irrelevant in my relationship with my teenager. She is overall a good kid without the extracurricular activities such as going out with friends, romantic interests or influences with drugs, sex and alcohol. We do still set boundaries and encourage open communication.

I would recommend this book for any parents of teenage girls. I just realise that my teenager is overall very easy compared to some others.

[Cas ♛ · Rating 1 out of 5]

This wasn't a choice listen, my friend dared me to. I struggled but got through it I guess. Let's just say it was even more disappointing than the title suggests? The narrator's voice sounded obnoxious and monotone, at times I felt like falling asleep. As for good advice, I guess the book has a little of that. But if anyone actually wants good advice on the topic, I suggest you read Queen Bees and Wannabes: Helping Your Daughter Survive Cliques, Gossip, Boyfriends, and Other Realities of Adolescence because it's a much better version of this.

[Natasha Fraser · Rating 1 out of 5]

My ex stepmother used this book as an excuse to emotionally abuse me, I was called princess Bitch face whenever I had an opinion or disagreed with her. This book made my life hell because it enabled a vile, jealous bitch to unleash her unhealed trauma on a 14 year old. Also, this book is so very clearly written by a man with super misogynistic views and a god complex. If you have teens with issues, maybe try talking to them or supporting them through counselling instead of following a misguided man’s rantings about how to “deal with” opinionated teenagers/ women.
1/10 do not recommended if you want your kids to visit you when they’re adults

[Veronica-Anne · Rating 4 out of 5]

An easy to read and very informative book on teenage daughters going through adolescence with lots of helpful advice for parents. It is interesting to note one's own parenting experiences whether they be current or in the past. A very positive, encouraging and most definitely an eye opening look at the problems facing our young women today, as they grow into womanhood. A book which I do thoroughly recommend.

[Tracy Jeffery · Rating 4 out of 5]

For some reason I thought that this book was going to solve ALL my problems and give me all the answers to dealing with my teenage girls!
It didn't do any of that!
It made me realize the next 8 years are going to be challenging! There is no quick fix! It did alert me to what I needed to change to cope with this over the next few years!
Good read! Even though it didn't "fix" my daughter!

[Alison · Rating 3 out of 5]

Bit of a light read. Has a few insightful comments but didn't give me much to hang on to other than "it's always messy and awful like this and it will end eventually somehow". Untangled, which talks about Seven Transitions, was much more helpful in terms of adult perspective and broad developmental overview that helps each wave of chaos seem a bit less random and make a little more sense.

[Nathalie Bilinsky · Rating 4 out of 5]

A good sensible guide promoting the use of authoritative vs authoritarian or permissive parenting. There were plenty of good examples around things such as social media usage and communicating with your kids. Definitely worth a read.

[Graciela · Rating 3 out of 5]

Good tips.

[Candice Elizabeth Seretin · Rating 4 out of 5]

I liked the book it explained a lot about how to deal with young adolescent girls. It certainly helped me and made a lot of sense.

[Rochelle · Rating 4 out of 5]

I highly recommend this book to anyone with teenage girls. I originally borrowed it from the library, but the information in it was so good that I purchased a copy so I can go back to it as needed.

[Buffy Greentree · Rating 4 out of 5]

Working with teenage girls, this book caught my eye. I was a bit wary that perhaps the topic would be dealt with too casually, but Dr. Carr-Gregg's knows his research and science, as well as how to tell and engaging tale.
For all parents out there who want to understand the changes in their daughters, and get practical advice on how to parent them better, I recommend this book.

[Evan Micheals · Rating 2 out of 5]

In some of Mel's expressions to me I believe I sometimes glimpse her teenage future. So I thought I best read something to prepare. The is a fair book obviously written for lay people rather than clinicians. As such Carr-Gregg can describe the Art of parenting a teenage daughter, and gets to stay away from the science. A book worthy of a read.

[Michael · Rating 5 out of 5]

The title leaves a lot to be desired however, this is a wonderful book for all fathers and mothers who have girls to raise. It is written by an Australian psychologist and I found it very useful and funny.

[Lisa · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was just what I needed to understand my daughter! I loved the scientific explanation.

[Rachel · Rating 5 out of 5]

The title is confronting, but it is well written and easy to read. Good mix of humor and psychology, and very useful in understanding a nearly 16 year old girl.