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Single, Gay, Christian: A Personal Journey of Faith and Sexual Identity
Foreword INDIES Award Finalist
IVP Readers' Choice Award In an age where neither society nor the church knows what to do with gay Christians, Greg Coles tells his own story. Let's make a deal, you and me. Let's make promises to each other. I promise to tell you my story. The whole story. I'll tell you about a boy in love with Jesus who, at the fateful onset of puberty, realized his sexual attractions were persistently and exclusively for other guys. I'll tell you how I lay on my bed in the middle of the night and whispered to myself the words I've whispered a thousand times "I'm gay." I'll show you the world through my eyes. I'll tell you what it's like to belong nowhere. To know that much of my Christian family will forever consider me unnatural, dangerous, because of something that feels as involuntary as my eye color. And to know that much of the LGBTQ community that shares my experience as a sexual minority will disagree with the way I've chosen to interpret the call of Jesus, believing I've bought into a tragic, archaic ritual of self-hatred. But I promise my story won't all be sadness and loneliness and struggle. I'll tell you good things too, hopeful things, funny things, like the time I accidentally came out to my best friend during his bachelor party. I'll tell you what it felt like the first time someone looked me in the eyes and said, "You are not a mistake." I'll tell you that joy and sorrow are not opposites, that my life has never been more beautiful than when it was most brokenhearted. If you'll listen, I promise I'll tell you everything, and you can decide for yourself what you want to believe about me.
IVP Readers' Choice Award In an age where neither society nor the church knows what to do with gay Christians, Greg Coles tells his own story. Let's make a deal, you and me. Let's make promises to each other. I promise to tell you my story. The whole story. I'll tell you about a boy in love with Jesus who, at the fateful onset of puberty, realized his sexual attractions were persistently and exclusively for other guys. I'll tell you how I lay on my bed in the middle of the night and whispered to myself the words I've whispered a thousand times "I'm gay." I'll show you the world through my eyes. I'll tell you what it's like to belong nowhere. To know that much of my Christian family will forever consider me unnatural, dangerous, because of something that feels as involuntary as my eye color. And to know that much of the LGBTQ community that shares my experience as a sexual minority will disagree with the way I've chosen to interpret the call of Jesus, believing I've bought into a tragic, archaic ritual of self-hatred. But I promise my story won't all be sadness and loneliness and struggle. I'll tell you good things too, hopeful things, funny things, like the time I accidentally came out to my best friend during his bachelor party. I'll tell you what it felt like the first time someone looked me in the eyes and said, "You are not a mistake." I'll tell you that joy and sorrow are not opposites, that my life has never been more beautiful than when it was most brokenhearted. If you'll listen, I promise I'll tell you everything, and you can decide for yourself what you want to believe about me.
120 pages, Paperback
Published August 22, 2017
42 people are currently reading
720 people want to read
About the author
Gregory Coles
12 books105 followersGregory Coles (PhD, Penn State) is an author, speaker, and scholar. He is the author of The Limits of My World (Walking Carnival, 2023), No Longer Strangers: Finding Belonging in a World of Alienation (InterVarsity Press, 2021), and Single, Gay, Christian: A Personal Journey of Faith and Sexual Identity (InterVarsity Press, 2017). His writing has been published by venues as diverse as Penguin Random House, Houghton Mifflin Harcourt, College English, and Cambridge University Press.
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July 20, 2017
This type of book is becoming more common: a professing Christian struggles with gay/homosexual desires, etc. He comes to realize after some study that gay sex is wrong (for them), but gay desires are not. They chose to remain celibate, but admit that others might disagree and pursue homosexual/lesbian relationships and even marriage in some cases.
Several things stuck out as I read.
First, gay, celibate Christians regularly discount the homosexual agenda in the world as not worth worrying about and even downplay same-sex relations in general. Reading them it is difficult to believe they take I Corinthians 6:9-11, the threat homosexuality presents to Biblical sexuality, or the threat it presents to society seriously. Preston Sprinkle tries in his book, but qualifies it to death so that it is hard to imagine he would ever say a gay (not-celibate) Christian is outside the Kingdom.
Second, they often create two ways when there are more than two. For example this author gives the illustration of two lesbians who love Jesus and get married and a straight Christian girl who struggles with fornication, as if these are the only two options. He says while his theology might line up with latter he believes the lesbians are actually loving Jesus better. He also brings up hetero porn as proof that heterosexual desires are twisted. But this is like saying drunkenness makes the desire for wine twisted. The idea that "we are all sinners" and therefore we needn't be too hard on gay folks is an underlying assumption
Third, I know this is not intentional, but these guys come off condescending. Sprinkle's book gave me the same vibe. For example the author basically says that gay Christians have to struggle while hetero Christians can get married, "join a country club," go to a church that welcomes them, and live a comfortable middle-class life. Really? All of us hetero Christians are just out here living the dream? There is a subtle sense you get reading these guys that they have unique insight into following Christ that us "normal" Christians don't and that their path is more difficult than the path others have to take.
Fourth, they live in the land of "unanswered questions," "we can't really know," and "there are no easy answers." It is all so vague. For some reason Christians for 2,000 years knew exactly what the Bible taught, but now we don't anymore. It hard to see this as anything other than a capitulation to post-modern thinking.
Fifth, another assumption in these books is that gay desires are not sinful. This is at the center of the whole debate and I don't have time to go into it now. But the idea that gay desires are neutral while gay lust and gay sex is sinful must be challenged.
Finally, the story is really what matters. There is little discussion of what the Bible, natural law, or the Church teaches. Instead the focus is on his journey, how he felt, who helped him, who didn't, and what God said to him when he prayed. In other words, it is highly subjective. He says at one point, "If you really love someone you would find a way of expressing that love that they would recognize as love." In other words, "I must feel loved in order for it to be love." An action is not either loving or unloving. It loving or unloving based on how I feel about it. Autobiography of course is not inherently bad. But when it is used to shape truth and emotional stories are used to tip you one direction or the other without reference to Truth then it becomes deadly. Of course, it is hard to fault Coles for this. Christians have been doing this for quite some time.
I am sure this review makes me sound mean and cruel. However, I have sympathy for his struggle. It is the struggle we all have against indwelling sin and God not answering all our prayers. But that is not unique to those who struggle with gay desires. It is what all faithful Christians should be doing.
I got this book free from Netgalley for an honest review.
Several things stuck out as I read.
First, gay, celibate Christians regularly discount the homosexual agenda in the world as not worth worrying about and even downplay same-sex relations in general. Reading them it is difficult to believe they take I Corinthians 6:9-11, the threat homosexuality presents to Biblical sexuality, or the threat it presents to society seriously. Preston Sprinkle tries in his book, but qualifies it to death so that it is hard to imagine he would ever say a gay (not-celibate) Christian is outside the Kingdom.
Second, they often create two ways when there are more than two. For example this author gives the illustration of two lesbians who love Jesus and get married and a straight Christian girl who struggles with fornication, as if these are the only two options. He says while his theology might line up with latter he believes the lesbians are actually loving Jesus better. He also brings up hetero porn as proof that heterosexual desires are twisted. But this is like saying drunkenness makes the desire for wine twisted. The idea that "we are all sinners" and therefore we needn't be too hard on gay folks is an underlying assumption
Third, I know this is not intentional, but these guys come off condescending. Sprinkle's book gave me the same vibe. For example the author basically says that gay Christians have to struggle while hetero Christians can get married, "join a country club," go to a church that welcomes them, and live a comfortable middle-class life. Really? All of us hetero Christians are just out here living the dream? There is a subtle sense you get reading these guys that they have unique insight into following Christ that us "normal" Christians don't and that their path is more difficult than the path others have to take.
Fourth, they live in the land of "unanswered questions," "we can't really know," and "there are no easy answers." It is all so vague. For some reason Christians for 2,000 years knew exactly what the Bible taught, but now we don't anymore. It hard to see this as anything other than a capitulation to post-modern thinking.
Fifth, another assumption in these books is that gay desires are not sinful. This is at the center of the whole debate and I don't have time to go into it now. But the idea that gay desires are neutral while gay lust and gay sex is sinful must be challenged.
Finally, the story is really what matters. There is little discussion of what the Bible, natural law, or the Church teaches. Instead the focus is on his journey, how he felt, who helped him, who didn't, and what God said to him when he prayed. In other words, it is highly subjective. He says at one point, "If you really love someone you would find a way of expressing that love that they would recognize as love." In other words, "I must feel loved in order for it to be love." An action is not either loving or unloving. It loving or unloving based on how I feel about it. Autobiography of course is not inherently bad. But when it is used to shape truth and emotional stories are used to tip you one direction or the other without reference to Truth then it becomes deadly. Of course, it is hard to fault Coles for this. Christians have been doing this for quite some time.
I am sure this review makes me sound mean and cruel. However, I have sympathy for his struggle. It is the struggle we all have against indwelling sin and God not answering all our prayers. But that is not unique to those who struggle with gay desires. It is what all faithful Christians should be doing.
I got this book free from Netgalley for an honest review.
March 30, 2018
As much as I appreciate Gregory's story there is a deep-seated danger with this book. The root question which we need to ask is this: is homosexuality a sin? And we need to answer that from Scripture. Coles believes that homosexuality (at least practiced) is sinful, but at the same time ultimately argues that it is innate, unchangeable and therefore acceptable. This is what makes the book so dangerous. Ultimately it allows for a shallow view of sin which in turn leads to a cheap view of grace.
It belittles the Gospel. It says subtly that God is not powerful enough, that the gospel is not great enough, and that the Spirit is not transformational enough to take his sinful desires and make then new. Nowhere is there a mention of being recreated as Paul describes becoming a new creation in Christ (2 Cor. 5:17). No where is there a mention of being dead to sin and alive to God in Christ Jesus (Rom. 6:8-11). No where is there a mention of the ramifications of being dead to sin: “Let not sin therefore reign in your mortal body, to make you obey its passion” (Rom. 6:12). If we are dead to sin we are not to live in it anymore. We must consider ourselves dead to sin and alive to God in Christ Jesus (Rom. 6:11).
To be a single gay Christian is to take a step into dangerous waters. Homosexuality is sexual immorality. Scripture says that no sexual immoral nor those who practice homosexuality will enter into heaven (1 Cor. 6:9-10). Scripture does say that some who were once committing sexuality immorality, who once were practicing homosexuals that they will now enter because “they once were.” But they no longer are sexually immoral. They no longer practice homosexuality. They have been transformed. Coles seems to reject any idea of this transformation.
Many of us could label ourselves as Single Lustful Christians or Married Hateful Christian. Everyone would (hopefully) see the problem with that. But Coles is - whether intentionally or not - subtly allowing and arguing for Single Gay Christian. And what happens is that by arguing in such a way - through sharing his story - he is softening the idea of homosexuality being sinful. He even goes so far in some places to suggest that he is this way because God wants him to be that way. As if I could just say I am a lustful Christian because God made me that way. Therefore I don’t need to change. After all that is who I am. This is how God made me. But this flies in the face of Paul’s argument in Romans 6-7.
The issue at stake is this: what does the Bible say about homosexuality (desires and actions). I believe it is clear: Scripture condemns both as sinful, as it does lust, adultery, murder, and all other sins that stand against God’s holiness. Coles book waters this view of sin down. And once sin is watered down the gospel ends up losing its meaning, the cross loses its power, and the Spirit loses its strength. The end result is a Christianity without sin, a Christianity with the gospel, and ultimately a Christianity without Christ. And this is no Christianity at all. Love Jesus all you want, but loving him requires that you love his Word and follow his ways. Even when it stands against the very fabric of who you believe you are.
Towards the end Coles writes: “There are only a few things I know for sure about showing love to gay people, and one of them is this: If you really want to love us, you have to respect us enough to let us make our own decisions. Even if you think we might get it wrong. Even if you’re sure we have gotten it wrong. You can’t just tell us what to believe and expect us to believe it. That’s not how belief works—at least that’s not how it worked for me.”
This is heartbreaking. That's not love. He longs to be accepted. But he doesn’t seem to want to change. He wants people to affirm who he is, but not challenge him to grow in his sanctification. He wants the affirmation without the hard work of sanctification - it seems. Would we affirm a lustful person for who they are, love them, but never exhort them and challenge them to change their ways? This is what Coles seems to want. And in the end it denies the sanctifying power of the Gospel.
He writes again: “I’m convinced,” I said, “that in the end, God is more concerned with the depth and the recklessness of our love for him than he is with our right answers.” This is damning. It’s not either/or. It’s both/and. God is concerned with our right understanding of his word because only once we know it truly may we properly live it and obey it.
I sincerely hope that this isn’t the last time we hear from Gregory Coles. He’s young. There remains, Lord willing, countless years for God to work in his life, to transform his view of Christ’s power. I commend his commitment to remaining celibate, but I also encouraging him to pursue Scripture more deeply than he has. To see the power of the Word of God that is able to divide up his very soul. To transform his thoughts, the intentions of his heart. To purge all sinful desires and feelings. If he is God’s the Word promises us that “He who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ” (Phil. 1:6). I pray that one day Gregory Coles will pen a follow up book where he describes the beauty, the power, and the hope of God’s transforming power. A story of how he once was. A story of the power that sees us united to Christ in his death and united to him in the power of his resurrection. A story of his redeeming and transforming grace.
It belittles the Gospel. It says subtly that God is not powerful enough, that the gospel is not great enough, and that the Spirit is not transformational enough to take his sinful desires and make then new. Nowhere is there a mention of being recreated as Paul describes becoming a new creation in Christ (2 Cor. 5:17). No where is there a mention of being dead to sin and alive to God in Christ Jesus (Rom. 6:8-11). No where is there a mention of the ramifications of being dead to sin: “Let not sin therefore reign in your mortal body, to make you obey its passion” (Rom. 6:12). If we are dead to sin we are not to live in it anymore. We must consider ourselves dead to sin and alive to God in Christ Jesus (Rom. 6:11).
To be a single gay Christian is to take a step into dangerous waters. Homosexuality is sexual immorality. Scripture says that no sexual immoral nor those who practice homosexuality will enter into heaven (1 Cor. 6:9-10). Scripture does say that some who were once committing sexuality immorality, who once were practicing homosexuals that they will now enter because “they once were.” But they no longer are sexually immoral. They no longer practice homosexuality. They have been transformed. Coles seems to reject any idea of this transformation.
Many of us could label ourselves as Single Lustful Christians or Married Hateful Christian. Everyone would (hopefully) see the problem with that. But Coles is - whether intentionally or not - subtly allowing and arguing for Single Gay Christian. And what happens is that by arguing in such a way - through sharing his story - he is softening the idea of homosexuality being sinful. He even goes so far in some places to suggest that he is this way because God wants him to be that way. As if I could just say I am a lustful Christian because God made me that way. Therefore I don’t need to change. After all that is who I am. This is how God made me. But this flies in the face of Paul’s argument in Romans 6-7.
The issue at stake is this: what does the Bible say about homosexuality (desires and actions). I believe it is clear: Scripture condemns both as sinful, as it does lust, adultery, murder, and all other sins that stand against God’s holiness. Coles book waters this view of sin down. And once sin is watered down the gospel ends up losing its meaning, the cross loses its power, and the Spirit loses its strength. The end result is a Christianity without sin, a Christianity with the gospel, and ultimately a Christianity without Christ. And this is no Christianity at all. Love Jesus all you want, but loving him requires that you love his Word and follow his ways. Even when it stands against the very fabric of who you believe you are.
Towards the end Coles writes: “There are only a few things I know for sure about showing love to gay people, and one of them is this: If you really want to love us, you have to respect us enough to let us make our own decisions. Even if you think we might get it wrong. Even if you’re sure we have gotten it wrong. You can’t just tell us what to believe and expect us to believe it. That’s not how belief works—at least that’s not how it worked for me.”
This is heartbreaking. That's not love. He longs to be accepted. But he doesn’t seem to want to change. He wants people to affirm who he is, but not challenge him to grow in his sanctification. He wants the affirmation without the hard work of sanctification - it seems. Would we affirm a lustful person for who they are, love them, but never exhort them and challenge them to change their ways? This is what Coles seems to want. And in the end it denies the sanctifying power of the Gospel.
He writes again: “I’m convinced,” I said, “that in the end, God is more concerned with the depth and the recklessness of our love for him than he is with our right answers.” This is damning. It’s not either/or. It’s both/and. God is concerned with our right understanding of his word because only once we know it truly may we properly live it and obey it.
I sincerely hope that this isn’t the last time we hear from Gregory Coles. He’s young. There remains, Lord willing, countless years for God to work in his life, to transform his view of Christ’s power. I commend his commitment to remaining celibate, but I also encouraging him to pursue Scripture more deeply than he has. To see the power of the Word of God that is able to divide up his very soul. To transform his thoughts, the intentions of his heart. To purge all sinful desires and feelings. If he is God’s the Word promises us that “He who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ” (Phil. 1:6). I pray that one day Gregory Coles will pen a follow up book where he describes the beauty, the power, and the hope of God’s transforming power. A story of how he once was. A story of the power that sees us united to Christ in his death and united to him in the power of his resurrection. A story of his redeeming and transforming grace.
August 8, 2017
Summary: An autobiographical narrative of a young Christian who becomes aware of his attraction to other men, his struggles against this within a Christian context, his experiences of "coming out," and how he has decided to follow Christ through all of this.
This book had me at the first page. Ordinarily, I wouldn't quote so extensively, but I know nothing better to give you a sense of Gregory Cole's story, and of his exquisite writing:
"Let's make a deal, you and me. Let's make promises to each other.
I promise to tell you my story. The whole story. I'll tell you about a boy in love with Jesus who, at the fateful onset of puberty, realized his sexual attractions were persistently and exclusively for other guys. I'll tell you how I lay on my bed in the middle of the night and whispered to myself the words I've whispered a thousand times since:
"I'm gay."
I'll show you the world through my eyes. I'll tell you what it's like to belong nowhere. To know that much of my Christian family will forever consider me unnatural, dangerous, because of something that feels as involuntary as my eye color. And to know that much of the LGBTQ community that shares my experience as a sexual minority will disagree with the way I've chosen to interpret the call of Jesus, believing I've bought into a tragic, archaic ritual of self-hatred.
But I promise my story won't all be sadness and loneliness and struggle. I'll tell you good things too, hopeful things, funny things, like the time I accidentally came out to my best friend during his bachelor party. I'll tell you what it felt like the first time someone looked me in the eyes and said, "You are not a mistake." I'll tell you that joy and sorrow are not opposites, that my life has never been more beautiful than when it was most brokenhearted.
If you'll listen, I promise I'll tell you everything, and you can decide for yourself what you want to believe about me."
In succeeding chapters, Coles unfolds, often in a self-deprecating yet not self-hating fashion, his growing awareness that he was gay, his silence and attempts to cover this up by dating girls and even of trying to awaken heterosexual desires through them. He describes the scary and wonderful moment he comes out to his pastor, who listens, and loves, and keeps on loving.
We trace with him his journey to reconcile his faith, his orientation, his understanding of biblical teaching, weighing but rejecting "affirming" interpretations, which precludes for him acting on his gay attractions by pursuing intimacy with another man, and what it means for him to believe that God has nevertheless made him good.
He helps us hear what is often said in churches that affirm a "traditional" view from the perspective of a gay person. I cringed here as I read things I've said. He also leads us into a broader conversation about sexuality and how the fall has affected it for all of us, gay or straight.
He speaks about his choice to live single, both the heartache, and the joy. He raises the question of views of discipleship that never involve suffering or self-denial. He casts a vision for a life that is full, and has a unique capacity for relationships because of who he is as a gay man. Where the church often sees LGBTQ persons as a threat, Greg helps us see persons like himself as a tremendous gift.
Coles speaks with a voice of conviction without dogmatism. He speaks for himself and his own journey, allowing that others might conclude differently. As he writes in his introduction, he tells us the truth about himself, and lets us decide. He doesn't see himself as any kind of role model but simply as a "half-written story."
I deeply resonated with his comments about encountering the "are you side A or side B?" question. He writes, "I didn't want to be reduced to a simple yes or no. I wanted a new side." I find myself deeply in sympathy with him. And perhaps this book might take us a step closer to that new side.
____________________________
Disclosure of Material Connection: I received this book free from the publisher through Netgalley. I was not required to write a positive review. The opinions I have expressed are my own.
This book had me at the first page. Ordinarily, I wouldn't quote so extensively, but I know nothing better to give you a sense of Gregory Cole's story, and of his exquisite writing:
"Let's make a deal, you and me. Let's make promises to each other.
I promise to tell you my story. The whole story. I'll tell you about a boy in love with Jesus who, at the fateful onset of puberty, realized his sexual attractions were persistently and exclusively for other guys. I'll tell you how I lay on my bed in the middle of the night and whispered to myself the words I've whispered a thousand times since:
"I'm gay."
I'll show you the world through my eyes. I'll tell you what it's like to belong nowhere. To know that much of my Christian family will forever consider me unnatural, dangerous, because of something that feels as involuntary as my eye color. And to know that much of the LGBTQ community that shares my experience as a sexual minority will disagree with the way I've chosen to interpret the call of Jesus, believing I've bought into a tragic, archaic ritual of self-hatred.
But I promise my story won't all be sadness and loneliness and struggle. I'll tell you good things too, hopeful things, funny things, like the time I accidentally came out to my best friend during his bachelor party. I'll tell you what it felt like the first time someone looked me in the eyes and said, "You are not a mistake." I'll tell you that joy and sorrow are not opposites, that my life has never been more beautiful than when it was most brokenhearted.
If you'll listen, I promise I'll tell you everything, and you can decide for yourself what you want to believe about me."
In succeeding chapters, Coles unfolds, often in a self-deprecating yet not self-hating fashion, his growing awareness that he was gay, his silence and attempts to cover this up by dating girls and even of trying to awaken heterosexual desires through them. He describes the scary and wonderful moment he comes out to his pastor, who listens, and loves, and keeps on loving.
We trace with him his journey to reconcile his faith, his orientation, his understanding of biblical teaching, weighing but rejecting "affirming" interpretations, which precludes for him acting on his gay attractions by pursuing intimacy with another man, and what it means for him to believe that God has nevertheless made him good.
He helps us hear what is often said in churches that affirm a "traditional" view from the perspective of a gay person. I cringed here as I read things I've said. He also leads us into a broader conversation about sexuality and how the fall has affected it for all of us, gay or straight.
He speaks about his choice to live single, both the heartache, and the joy. He raises the question of views of discipleship that never involve suffering or self-denial. He casts a vision for a life that is full, and has a unique capacity for relationships because of who he is as a gay man. Where the church often sees LGBTQ persons as a threat, Greg helps us see persons like himself as a tremendous gift.
Coles speaks with a voice of conviction without dogmatism. He speaks for himself and his own journey, allowing that others might conclude differently. As he writes in his introduction, he tells us the truth about himself, and lets us decide. He doesn't see himself as any kind of role model but simply as a "half-written story."
I deeply resonated with his comments about encountering the "are you side A or side B?" question. He writes, "I didn't want to be reduced to a simple yes or no. I wanted a new side." I find myself deeply in sympathy with him. And perhaps this book might take us a step closer to that new side.
____________________________
Disclosure of Material Connection: I received this book free from the publisher through Netgalley. I was not required to write a positive review. The opinions I have expressed are my own.
June 17, 2021
Greg Coles is a tremendous writer, and I loved reading these musings about his life and his faith. “I saw the power of the stories we tell,” he writes, “how one person’s machete-hewn journey through the briars can become someone else’s highway to hope. I found myself believing that, as long as it continues to be told, no story is ever wasted” (88). His own story is fascinating, especially when he tells it with such bold honesty and wry humor.
Reading these thoughts about life and faith from Coles’s perspective, I benefited from the wisdom that he has gained through pursuing questions that I would never even have thought to ask. And what particularly struck me throughout the book is the need for community. On his own, Coles wouldn’t be the same person he is now. Loneliness, he writes, is “a ninja ailment, slipping in unnoticed, strangling you without the courtesy of an explanation” (75). Looking back on his earlier years of loneliness, he reflects:
I found Coles’s insights thought-provoking and helpful in contemplating what God calls each of us to, what love is, and what role we have to play through suffering and joy. Coles has an excellent perspective, and I’m so glad that he wrote and published his story.
Reading these thoughts about life and faith from Coles’s perspective, I benefited from the wisdom that he has gained through pursuing questions that I would never even have thought to ask. And what particularly struck me throughout the book is the need for community. On his own, Coles wouldn’t be the same person he is now. Loneliness, he writes, is “a ninja ailment, slipping in unnoticed, strangling you without the courtesy of an explanation” (75). Looking back on his earlier years of loneliness, he reflects:
I don��t regret that season of loneliness. It was, I think, a necessary part of my spiritual growth. Those ten years gave me space to reflect on my experience of sexuality, to see God’s hand in the midst of my sorrow, without being tempted to let someone else dictate my story to me. I learned to run to God with my unanswered questions, to look to my faith as my primary source of comfort instead of merely as a last resort. I learned that it is possible to have a rich, joyful life even through challenge and heartache—that joy is even more passionate, even more robust, when you realize how much it costs. (76)But he also adds, “What I lacked, in the midst of all those incredible blessings, was a healthy experience of intimacy.” He needed the loving conversations with his pastor, all the questions from his sister-in-law, and interactions with many other people—everything that came after the loneliness. And community is not a one-sided thing: all of those people also needed Coles to pursue Christ and find the insights that only he could gain; they needed his honesty and candor and love.
I found Coles’s insights thought-provoking and helpful in contemplating what God calls each of us to, what love is, and what role we have to play through suffering and joy. Coles has an excellent perspective, and I’m so glad that he wrote and published his story.
June 27, 2018
Makes me long for and want to follow Jesus, which is the highest praise I could ever give.
August 6, 2018
Sitting down to review this book, I don’t quite know where to begin. Cut me some slack. I've never done this before.
I first met Greg four years ago while studying chemical engineering at Penn State. What immediately struck me was how… happy he seemed. To be honest, it was kind of suspicious. People who smile as much as Greg will invariably try to sell you a Ponzi scheme or a ShamWow. You following me, camera guy!?
But amazingly, the better I got to know him, the more un-crackable his carefree persona remained. Not a trace of duplicity, infomercial or otherwise.
Eventually, I was forced to admit the unthinkable: Greg Coles was (and is) the most infectiously joyful human being I had (and have) ever encountered. An anomalous amount of joy. A frightening amount of joy.
Why do I tell you this? Greg is my dear friend. So much so, in fact, that I shamelessly exploited our relationship to secure an advanced digital manuscript of his book (it's what Jesus would want).
Does this subjectify my review? Of course. Much like how knowing a painter deepens your appreciation of their paintings. Alas for thermodynamics, my one true love… we simply don’t read in closed, isolated systems. I thus make no claims to impartiality in regard to Greg’s work.
So. “Single, Gay, Christian: A Personal Journey of Faith and Sexual Identity.”
Oh my.
We’ll get to the content, but let’s first simply consider the writing. It’s glorious. The sort that carries you along like a good singer carries you through a song. Fluid. Effortless. I could not put this book down. I don’t think a neo-Nazi homophobe could put it down. You’ve been warned.
And the narrative. Oh man. This book is brimming with the best kinds of stories. Raw and honest. Real and precious, like uncut gems that are somehow more beautiful for their faults and fractures. They warmed my bitter old heart, at least, which is no small feat.
I was searching for a quotable passage that I particularly loved, but I realized something – I love all the passages. And because saying too much can kill a thing, I’ll leave you with the words of one of my favorite authors: “There is […] beauty here, and joy, and a sad, sweet melancholy that moves through my chest like distant thunder.”
This book is brimming with Truth. It is the story of someone who passionately and joyfully desires to submit his entire life to Jesus Christ. Someone who refuses to accept trite oversimplifications and be painted with a wide-bristle brush. Someone who has taken up his cross with more intellectual and theological integrity than many professing Christians.
In a culture so rife with vitriolic diatribes, in an age so desperately lacking in grace, truth, and love... “Single, Gay, Christian” stands as a refreshing and heartfelt journey of faith. I – Single, Straight, Christian – have never read anything like it. You likely never have either.
Highly recommended.
I first met Greg four years ago while studying chemical engineering at Penn State. What immediately struck me was how… happy he seemed. To be honest, it was kind of suspicious. People who smile as much as Greg will invariably try to sell you a Ponzi scheme or a ShamWow. You following me, camera guy!?
But amazingly, the better I got to know him, the more un-crackable his carefree persona remained. Not a trace of duplicity, infomercial or otherwise.
Eventually, I was forced to admit the unthinkable: Greg Coles was (and is) the most infectiously joyful human being I had (and have) ever encountered. An anomalous amount of joy. A frightening amount of joy.
Why do I tell you this? Greg is my dear friend. So much so, in fact, that I shamelessly exploited our relationship to secure an advanced digital manuscript of his book (it's what Jesus would want).
Does this subjectify my review? Of course. Much like how knowing a painter deepens your appreciation of their paintings. Alas for thermodynamics, my one true love… we simply don’t read in closed, isolated systems. I thus make no claims to impartiality in regard to Greg’s work.
So. “Single, Gay, Christian: A Personal Journey of Faith and Sexual Identity.”
Oh my.
We’ll get to the content, but let’s first simply consider the writing. It’s glorious. The sort that carries you along like a good singer carries you through a song. Fluid. Effortless. I could not put this book down. I don’t think a neo-Nazi homophobe could put it down. You’ve been warned.
And the narrative. Oh man. This book is brimming with the best kinds of stories. Raw and honest. Real and precious, like uncut gems that are somehow more beautiful for their faults and fractures. They warmed my bitter old heart, at least, which is no small feat.
I was searching for a quotable passage that I particularly loved, but I realized something – I love all the passages. And because saying too much can kill a thing, I’ll leave you with the words of one of my favorite authors: “There is […] beauty here, and joy, and a sad, sweet melancholy that moves through my chest like distant thunder.”
This book is brimming with Truth. It is the story of someone who passionately and joyfully desires to submit his entire life to Jesus Christ. Someone who refuses to accept trite oversimplifications and be painted with a wide-bristle brush. Someone who has taken up his cross with more intellectual and theological integrity than many professing Christians.
In a culture so rife with vitriolic diatribes, in an age so desperately lacking in grace, truth, and love... “Single, Gay, Christian” stands as a refreshing and heartfelt journey of faith. I – Single, Straight, Christian – have never read anything like it. You likely never have either.
Highly recommended.
August 20, 2021
The deep-seated self-hatred, internalized homophobia, and martyr complex are so incredibly strong in this book. The cognitive dissonance required to say "my creator made me this way but does not want me to fully experience the human condition" is astounding but sadly more common than one might expect. Especially when it's all for a lie-within-a-lie, since the word "homosexual" didn't even exist in the Christian bible until 1946. I had not read the full summary and was hoping for this to be a book that would explore and tackle the religious trauma felt by many sexual minorities trying to reconcile their existence with a less-than-welcoming church...but instead it does the opposite: it trivializes and exacerbates said trauma for the sake of self-martyrdom and self-aggrandizement.
August 22, 2017
"I’m the guy you thought you could never be: a guy who’s gay and loves Jesus and isn’t ashamed to admit either of those things."
This bold statement, in a line from a letter addressed to himself that concludes Greg's book, is at the heart of the story he shares with us in it. And all throughout "Single, Gay, Christian," Greg consistently seeks to occupy that sometimes-awkward, always admirable, thoroughly beautiful "third space" between the two default camps when it comes to the question of a gay man in the Church. In this book, we witness Greg struggling to affirm the inherent goodness of his own sexuality, and to own the truth that who he is NOT a mistake, while also not shying away from the question of the costliness of following Christ, and what that might look like to him personally—for as the book's subtitle asserts, this is indeed (above all) a very personal journey into which Greg is inviting us to share as we read his telling of it. Along the way, Greg offers larger insights into topics beyond his own personal sexual identity—topics such as faith, family, relationships, re-examining how the Church views singleness & recovering the lost calling of celibacy, and more.
There's something in it, I think, for everyone. Whether you're a more progressive person wondering about the particular pains (and perhaps opportunities?) of being gay in the Evangelical Church, or a hetero, Evangelical-insider who doesn't know either. Whether you find yourself agreeing with Greg's "theologically conservative" (as he puts it) conclusion or not, re: the question of celibacy & marriage as a gay Christian. Whether you yourself need the letter that is the postlude to Greg's book to help you on your own journey, or know someone you love who does.
I truly loved this book. I devoured most of it in a single night.
Disclaimer: I am biased in its favor, since I know Greg personally. Before I even received my copy, I was predisposed to like it; and I'm sure my friendship with Greg enhanced my overall opinion of it. Taking that into account, I do genuinely think it to be an excellent read for others who haven't yet met Greg (you're about to in these pages), and would definitely recommend this book to a friend (already have)! I would especially recommend "Single, Gay, Christian" to Evangelical Christians, and perhaps most especially to those who find themselves wanting to engage in more conversation about what it means to be a gay Christian, but aren't exactly sure how or where to begin.
This book is as good a place I know of to start.
This bold statement, in a line from a letter addressed to himself that concludes Greg's book, is at the heart of the story he shares with us in it. And all throughout "Single, Gay, Christian," Greg consistently seeks to occupy that sometimes-awkward, always admirable, thoroughly beautiful "third space" between the two default camps when it comes to the question of a gay man in the Church. In this book, we witness Greg struggling to affirm the inherent goodness of his own sexuality, and to own the truth that who he is NOT a mistake, while also not shying away from the question of the costliness of following Christ, and what that might look like to him personally—for as the book's subtitle asserts, this is indeed (above all) a very personal journey into which Greg is inviting us to share as we read his telling of it. Along the way, Greg offers larger insights into topics beyond his own personal sexual identity—topics such as faith, family, relationships, re-examining how the Church views singleness & recovering the lost calling of celibacy, and more.
There's something in it, I think, for everyone. Whether you're a more progressive person wondering about the particular pains (and perhaps opportunities?) of being gay in the Evangelical Church, or a hetero, Evangelical-insider who doesn't know either. Whether you find yourself agreeing with Greg's "theologically conservative" (as he puts it) conclusion or not, re: the question of celibacy & marriage as a gay Christian. Whether you yourself need the letter that is the postlude to Greg's book to help you on your own journey, or know someone you love who does.
I truly loved this book. I devoured most of it in a single night.
Disclaimer: I am biased in its favor, since I know Greg personally. Before I even received my copy, I was predisposed to like it; and I'm sure my friendship with Greg enhanced my overall opinion of it. Taking that into account, I do genuinely think it to be an excellent read for others who haven't yet met Greg (you're about to in these pages), and would definitely recommend this book to a friend (already have)! I would especially recommend "Single, Gay, Christian" to Evangelical Christians, and perhaps most especially to those who find themselves wanting to engage in more conversation about what it means to be a gay Christian, but aren't exactly sure how or where to begin.
This book is as good a place I know of to start.
May 21, 2018
I'm not sure what to think of this book. Gregory is a gifted writer and candid about his life experiences thus far. I'm interested in being more understanding and in being faithful to God's Word. I am encouraging my husband to read it so we can discuss it together.
2018 A book I didn't think I'd like.
2018 A book I didn't think I'd like.
March 1, 2021
The was a great book. I would recommend it to any believer looking for greater perspective on sexual identity. It allows for a foundation of grace and love towards those who experience non-normative sexuality.
August 14, 2024
Would give six stars if I could; legitimately going to immediately start rereading (or, in this case, relistening). Greg’s sensitivity, honesty, and love of Jesus are so apparent even in this short volume. Being able to hear his story—and where Christ is at work in that story—is a precious gift. I am so grateful for this book.
In the final chapter, Greg recounts an interaction with another Christian friend questioning his sexual ethics in light of his own orientation. Of wrestling with the theological and relational implications of such a season of questioning, his friend says, “But it’s terrifying!” to which Greg responds, “I know; but there will be grace on the other side—and in the middle, too.” Grateful for Greg’s story as another testament to this remarkable grace; it is a story that the Church would do well to listen to.
In the final chapter, Greg recounts an interaction with another Christian friend questioning his sexual ethics in light of his own orientation. Of wrestling with the theological and relational implications of such a season of questioning, his friend says, “But it’s terrifying!” to which Greg responds, “I know; but there will be grace on the other side—and in the middle, too.” Grateful for Greg’s story as another testament to this remarkable grace; it is a story that the Church would do well to listen to.
November 25, 2021
I've run into several people in my life, even friends and coworkers, who have similar stories to Gregory Coles. They were raised in an evangelical Christian home and grew up believing that homosexuality was a sin. Eventually, they find themselves dealing with their sexuality and their Christianity as if they are irreconcilable. They don't want to let go of either one, and so one needs to trump the other - that is, one needs to be modified in order to fit the other. It is an interesting point that I have not seen the sexuality adapt to fit scripture, but always scripture adapt to fit the individuals sexuality.
For some, they recognize the impasse and just live in willful contradiction. One person I know very well in my life does this. He recognizes that the bible condemns his sexuality and openly admits he is living contrarily to Scripture. He is in the minority who actually vocalize that.
Coles in this book offers his personal story of working through all this. He states that those who helped him along the way were the ones that accepted for who he was, not who he should be. But this is where the tail is chasing the dog. Those who helped him along the way assumes that there was an end destination for Coles. One that he either knows in advance or figured out along the way. The end destination seems to be an idea that is irrelevant to the destination that Christ has for us - that is conformed to His image and likeness. Rather, for Coles, that end destination is a place where he is comfortable with who he is in light of how he was raised and taught. That seems to have been a place where he is single and celibate in his homosexuality.
Even if you are of the position that homosexuality is not condemned by Scripture, or some other variation that sees LGBTQIA+ people in a morally positive light, there should still be a major disconnect here. Is the end destination, the telos if you will, of a person's life journey a place where they find peace in who they were from the beginning? Would the apostle Paul ask us to fight the good fight of.... our sexuality? What does a good and faithful servant look like? One who is content with who they are or how they were made? There is a lot of unexplored theology that Coles seems to have brushed past on his way to finding peace as a single, gay Christian. Does his thesis change if he is no longer single? What if he is married? What about a single, straight Christian? Are the truths that he believes transferable to them?
If you read this with the expectation that you are reading the diary of a man who is struggling with his faith and sexuality, it isn't that bad. But any expectations beyond that are simply disappointing on every level.
For some, they recognize the impasse and just live in willful contradiction. One person I know very well in my life does this. He recognizes that the bible condemns his sexuality and openly admits he is living contrarily to Scripture. He is in the minority who actually vocalize that.
Coles in this book offers his personal story of working through all this. He states that those who helped him along the way were the ones that accepted for who he was, not who he should be. But this is where the tail is chasing the dog. Those who helped him along the way assumes that there was an end destination for Coles. One that he either knows in advance or figured out along the way. The end destination seems to be an idea that is irrelevant to the destination that Christ has for us - that is conformed to His image and likeness. Rather, for Coles, that end destination is a place where he is comfortable with who he is in light of how he was raised and taught. That seems to have been a place where he is single and celibate in his homosexuality.
Even if you are of the position that homosexuality is not condemned by Scripture, or some other variation that sees LGBTQIA+ people in a morally positive light, there should still be a major disconnect here. Is the end destination, the telos if you will, of a person's life journey a place where they find peace in who they were from the beginning? Would the apostle Paul ask us to fight the good fight of.... our sexuality? What does a good and faithful servant look like? One who is content with who they are or how they were made? There is a lot of unexplored theology that Coles seems to have brushed past on his way to finding peace as a single, gay Christian. Does his thesis change if he is no longer single? What if he is married? What about a single, straight Christian? Are the truths that he believes transferable to them?
If you read this with the expectation that you are reading the diary of a man who is struggling with his faith and sexuality, it isn't that bad. But any expectations beyond that are simply disappointing on every level.
April 7, 2023
Excellent, well -written account of disappointment, loneliness, courage, and utter devotion to God. Coles asks brave questions and admits when he has no definitive answers, which shows his humility. He does the unpopular thing of calling readers to suffering, but he's not an ascetic for its own sake. He puts honest words to the depths of loneliness and love, which is my main takeaway.
You could read this in a short evening, and you should.
You could read this in a short evening, and you should.
July 22, 2022
Super thankful for family in faith like Coles. Single, Gay, Christian is a moving and intimate account of his decision to carry the cross of gay celibacy.
My local church had scheduled him to give a talk. Unfortunately, for reasons I don't know but suspect, they had "rescheduled" him after announcing the talk.
I severely respect believers like Coles. They are stepping out and forging a true Christianity that is scoffed at by the world and stigmatized by the Church. Here's to new, inclusive, and edifying conversations.
My local church had scheduled him to give a talk. Unfortunately, for reasons I don't know but suspect, they had "rescheduled" him after announcing the talk.
I severely respect believers like Coles. They are stepping out and forging a true Christianity that is scoffed at by the world and stigmatized by the Church. Here's to new, inclusive, and edifying conversations.
August 20, 2017
"I am Not a Mistake."
I happened to spot this little book at our local library. I was pretty sure what the theme would be, but I was completely, 100% in error. This book is not at all what I thought it would be.
SINGLE, GAY, CHRISTIAN is the story of a young man struggling to learn how he can be a faithful Christian--a sincere follower of Jesus, who has the "wrong" feelings. The author makes it clearn that =he didn't ask to be gay. In fact, he admits he desperately did NOT want to be gay. The author recounts the many times he prayed to be "Made Straight."
Greg desparately wanted to have the "usual" desire for women--but God chose to not answer his prayer. Fortunately, the author found a good soul and a good counselor--a pastor friend, who listened, asked questions, and didn't judge. Most importantly, this wise man told Greg emphatically, "You are not a mistake."
The author investigated the Biblical admonitions about sex. He concluded that, in order to be true to the Bible, he would have to lead a celibate life. This puts him at odds with both the Christian community, as well as the LGBTQ community. He doesn't seem to fit in either group.
Greg explains that his life as a gay Christian doesn't mean a life without love or intimacy. One shouldn't confuse sex with true love: "Living without sex is difficult. Living without intimacy is a death sentence."
So all in all, I found SINGLE, GAY, CHRISTIAN to be an imporant book. The author writes well, and expressly his thoughts clearly and concisely. I encourage leaders in the Evangelical community to read this man's struggle to be a faithful follower of Jesus.
I thought this one sentence nicely summed up the book:
"A life if longing isn't a life without happiness." On the contrary, it's a life rich with detail, alive with wonder and beauty. It's when I am happiest that I long most. And someday, when I look into the face of my Savior, I will taste the fulfillment of an intimacy a thousand times sweeter than any pale earthly imitation."
Well-stated, Brother. You are definitely NOT a mistake.
I happened to spot this little book at our local library. I was pretty sure what the theme would be, but I was completely, 100% in error. This book is not at all what I thought it would be.
SINGLE, GAY, CHRISTIAN is the story of a young man struggling to learn how he can be a faithful Christian--a sincere follower of Jesus, who has the "wrong" feelings. The author makes it clearn that =he didn't ask to be gay. In fact, he admits he desperately did NOT want to be gay. The author recounts the many times he prayed to be "Made Straight."
Greg desparately wanted to have the "usual" desire for women--but God chose to not answer his prayer. Fortunately, the author found a good soul and a good counselor--a pastor friend, who listened, asked questions, and didn't judge. Most importantly, this wise man told Greg emphatically, "You are not a mistake."
The author investigated the Biblical admonitions about sex. He concluded that, in order to be true to the Bible, he would have to lead a celibate life. This puts him at odds with both the Christian community, as well as the LGBTQ community. He doesn't seem to fit in either group.
Greg explains that his life as a gay Christian doesn't mean a life without love or intimacy. One shouldn't confuse sex with true love: "Living without sex is difficult. Living without intimacy is a death sentence."
So all in all, I found SINGLE, GAY, CHRISTIAN to be an imporant book. The author writes well, and expressly his thoughts clearly and concisely. I encourage leaders in the Evangelical community to read this man's struggle to be a faithful follower of Jesus.
I thought this one sentence nicely summed up the book:
"A life if longing isn't a life without happiness." On the contrary, it's a life rich with detail, alive with wonder and beauty. It's when I am happiest that I long most. And someday, when I look into the face of my Savior, I will taste the fulfillment of an intimacy a thousand times sweeter than any pale earthly imitation."
Well-stated, Brother. You are definitely NOT a mistake.
September 26, 2017
“If we truly love Scripture, we have to love it enough to let it prove us wrong.
And at the same time, we have to love it enough to let it tell us what we don’t want to hear.”
It seems like these days most of the discussions about LGBT people in the church comes from the “Open and Affirming” stance, or the testimony of the “Ex-Gay,” i.e. someone who was once attracted to the same sex but has successfully overcome said attractions. What we don’t hear about is a third experience - one where an individual is attracted to the same sex, but chooses not to act on those desires.
The latter is the story told here by Gregory Coles. In this honest, refreshing, and almost conversational memoir, Greg recounts his struggles as an adolescent discovering he was gay, as a college student desperately wanting to be straight, and as a man who, after extensively studying the bible, decided that the right thing to do is to remain celibate.
Greg’s story is candid without being too casual, and intellectual without being condescending. He dives into scripture objectively, but reminds the reader that we must not forget the LGBT people that the church has rejected, instead of focusing only on statistics or the “left-wing gay agenda.” The conversation he starts is one that is long overdue.
If you are a Christian and haven’t figured out what you think about LGBT issues, or maybe you haven’t gotten to have a conversation with a gay person, start with Greg. You won’t regret it.
Disclaimer: I received a free copy of this book in advance and was asked in exchange to leave an honest review of the work.
And at the same time, we have to love it enough to let it tell us what we don’t want to hear.”
It seems like these days most of the discussions about LGBT people in the church comes from the “Open and Affirming” stance, or the testimony of the “Ex-Gay,” i.e. someone who was once attracted to the same sex but has successfully overcome said attractions. What we don’t hear about is a third experience - one where an individual is attracted to the same sex, but chooses not to act on those desires.
The latter is the story told here by Gregory Coles. In this honest, refreshing, and almost conversational memoir, Greg recounts his struggles as an adolescent discovering he was gay, as a college student desperately wanting to be straight, and as a man who, after extensively studying the bible, decided that the right thing to do is to remain celibate.
Greg’s story is candid without being too casual, and intellectual without being condescending. He dives into scripture objectively, but reminds the reader that we must not forget the LGBT people that the church has rejected, instead of focusing only on statistics or the “left-wing gay agenda.” The conversation he starts is one that is long overdue.
If you are a Christian and haven’t figured out what you think about LGBT issues, or maybe you haven’t gotten to have a conversation with a gay person, start with Greg. You won’t regret it.
Disclaimer: I received a free copy of this book in advance and was asked in exchange to leave an honest review of the work.
May 22, 2022
This is a memoir about a Christian, son of missionaries in Indonesia, who realized when he was an early teen, that he is gay. This is his story, told as a memoir rather than autobiographical. He talks about his wrestling with faith, when/if to come out, friends, and how he finally came to terms with who God made him to be, and how he would continue serving the God that he loves so dearly.
From a literary viewpoint, the writing is excellent, which is not surprising, given that Coles has an advanced degree in literature. I loved the mixing of humor and seriousness, and I enjoyed Coles bringing readers into his thoughts and struggles. More than anything, I got a sense of who Coles is, as his personality really comes out on paper.
I loved this book. I think it was brave for Coles to write and publish it. He really seems like an incredible human being. I loved the humility and gentleness with which he approached such a sensitive topic. I loved his heart, from the tender way he describes his parents, to the honest and diligent research he did to find his theological answers.
I would recommend this book for Christians who are looking to learn more about homosexuality and the Church. Regardless of whether you are side A, side B, or side X, I think it is important to hear people's stories, and I think it is important for Christians and churches in general, to be able to discuss these topics without malice or condescension for the "other side," whichever that may be for you.
5/5 stars
From a literary viewpoint, the writing is excellent, which is not surprising, given that Coles has an advanced degree in literature. I loved the mixing of humor and seriousness, and I enjoyed Coles bringing readers into his thoughts and struggles. More than anything, I got a sense of who Coles is, as his personality really comes out on paper.
I loved this book. I think it was brave for Coles to write and publish it. He really seems like an incredible human being. I loved the humility and gentleness with which he approached such a sensitive topic. I loved his heart, from the tender way he describes his parents, to the honest and diligent research he did to find his theological answers.
I would recommend this book for Christians who are looking to learn more about homosexuality and the Church. Regardless of whether you are side A, side B, or side X, I think it is important to hear people's stories, and I think it is important for Christians and churches in general, to be able to discuss these topics without malice or condescension for the "other side," whichever that may be for you.
5/5 stars
May 14, 2023
Not only do I very occasionally finish books, but I finished this one in a day. This story feels like the intimate details typically slowly gained over time as the natural flow of friendship forms. But instead, GC chooses to share his side of the friendship, without having gained any background from the reader. I am grateful to have met and known him in this way.
I have had this book on my shelf for 3 years. I have remembered it's there and read many books of its like during this time. When I would recall it's availability to me, it didn't feel right... Until today. I didn't remember the initial story I had purchased, but I again was searching for the understanding from unmet friends along this journey. GC told his story to the same questions I have been asking.
The singular review I would wish to leave is a simple 'thank you' to the author. Who is a real person with a real story... And while unique and personal, deeply relatable. I wouldn't know how to walk this journey without people like this who have shared their own journeys. The church, in all it's forms, needs each other.
I have had this book on my shelf for 3 years. I have remembered it's there and read many books of its like during this time. When I would recall it's availability to me, it didn't feel right... Until today. I didn't remember the initial story I had purchased, but I again was searching for the understanding from unmet friends along this journey. GC told his story to the same questions I have been asking.
The singular review I would wish to leave is a simple 'thank you' to the author. Who is a real person with a real story... And while unique and personal, deeply relatable. I wouldn't know how to walk this journey without people like this who have shared their own journeys. The church, in all it's forms, needs each other.
December 17, 2021
I hate the back of this book--"he's a committed Christian . . . BUT ALSO GAY?!?!?" Please calm down. That being said, the contents of this book are so good. Coles describes his personal journey as a missionary kid, worship leader, and person wrestling with his sexuality. His choice to be celibate is a lonely one and a brave one. He makes it clear throughout the book that this is his choice, his lifestyle, that he doesn't want to be used as a weapon by straight folks against other people in the LBGTQ+ community. My heart broke for Coles as he described his loneliness and the painful journey he is on. But he also filled me with hope. This is a really good memoir.
December 21, 2023
I reread this book a year after reading it the first time, and I forgot how good it is. It is amazing how Coles can put words to thoughts in such a beautiful and eloquent way. There were many times I had to look behind me as I was reading just to make sure he wasn’t in the room with me because it felt like he was reading my mind and putting it on the page.
I can’t recommend this book enough, as a way for fellow believers to get a glimpse into the celibate gay Christian walk in a way I can’t put to words myself, but Greg does so delightfully. And I want to thank him for the courage to both follow Jesus and to share his story, it is truly a blessing.
I can’t recommend this book enough, as a way for fellow believers to get a glimpse into the celibate gay Christian walk in a way I can’t put to words myself, but Greg does so delightfully. And I want to thank him for the courage to both follow Jesus and to share his story, it is truly a blessing.
December 11, 2020
This completely misguided and theologically bizarre book is written by one incredibly confused guy that claims to be an evangelical Christian but in his mind thinks it's even more important to identify himself as having a "gay orientation." No matter that there may not really be any such thing, but from age 13 Coles has convinced himself that he is gay. He's never had sex with another man, never done one single physical thing that would outwardly indicate that he is gay, but he thinks it's really important that he announce to the world that as an evangelical Christian he is attracted to men and demands to be accepted. Period. And he uses this book to try to convince Christians that he is mistreated by the church, instead of seeing that he is imposing his warped views on others.
I could go page-by-page and tear apart most of what he writes. But his whole premise is wrong. He doesn't understand what being gay in today's world means, and when he tries to define it in the book he is naive at best, intentionally misleading straight believers at worst. It's obvious he has never been part of the real LGBT community nor committed any sexual acts. Namely, he doesn't know what he's talking about.
There is one central Christian thing he gets right--he reviews scripture and concludes that God does not endorse homosexuality, that the homosexual act is sin. So, knowing that's the truth, he has decided to become a "celibate gay Christian." He can still do what he wants without really committing the act God condemns!
To publicly say you are a gay Christian is to say you don't agree with what's in the scripture you claim to agree with. The Bible is more clear about homosexuality than it is about abortion or other modern controversial political issues. There is no reason--zero--to "come out" as "gay" if you are not living a gay lifestyle or committing gay acts or endorsing the secular gay community. It's a construct he formed in his simplistic teen years and won't let go. This is all in his mind and it should have stayed there, instead of misusing his ramblings to negatively influence others.
This review won't get into all the illogic of what's in this book, but the gay issue is much simpler than this guy makes it. Since he knows gay acts are not endorsed by God, then he can choose to either commit them as he would any other sin, or just not do them and move on (which he doesn't seem to want to do). He has bought into the world's modern view of sexuality where you get to choose your gender or orientation, avoiding objective truth and having your entire life's purpose revolve around a distorted view of how you were born. Simply because he likes to look at a man's body and doesn't get an erection looking at women doesn't mean he has had the orientation from birth. Being gay means more than just a little fantasy same-sex attraction.
But what's worst about the book is his lack of candor. He only opens the door part way. He doesn't talk about his fantasies or desires, he doesn't talk about masturbating, he avoids details of any specific encounters with men. In one case he uses a couple paragraphs to reveal he once "fell in love" with a handsome friend but doesn't tell us anything about it beyond that they've become good friends. Weird.
He seems incredibly young, out of touch with American reality (he grew up in Indonesia), has no trouble bending his theology to meet his selfishness elsewhere (he admits to drinking, lying, etc.), and certainly is no role model. He has simply latched on to this idea that he is homosexual, won't practice it, and wants to make it his identity.
The book's title is clear--he chooses to be celibate single, chooses to be gay, chooses to be evangelical Christian. Yet he fails to put being gay in the same category as the others, thinking God made him that way "and God don't make junk." He repeats over and over again that people tell him "You are not a mistake." Of course he's not a mistake--he is created by God at conception--but that doesn't mean he isn't mistaken nor that God can be used as an excuse for all the bad choices he makes. Some of the suffering the author claims to cling to is actually of his own making.
God created people that are free to make choices. Christians are flawed, sinful humans that spend our lives making choices, some good and some bad. Often we make bad choices knowing that they go against what God wants and suffer the consequences. Coles has decided to make one big public choice that he has made his life's focus and suffers from it, then tries to spend his days justifying it.
I could go page-by-page and tear apart most of what he writes. But his whole premise is wrong. He doesn't understand what being gay in today's world means, and when he tries to define it in the book he is naive at best, intentionally misleading straight believers at worst. It's obvious he has never been part of the real LGBT community nor committed any sexual acts. Namely, he doesn't know what he's talking about.
There is one central Christian thing he gets right--he reviews scripture and concludes that God does not endorse homosexuality, that the homosexual act is sin. So, knowing that's the truth, he has decided to become a "celibate gay Christian." He can still do what he wants without really committing the act God condemns!
To publicly say you are a gay Christian is to say you don't agree with what's in the scripture you claim to agree with. The Bible is more clear about homosexuality than it is about abortion or other modern controversial political issues. There is no reason--zero--to "come out" as "gay" if you are not living a gay lifestyle or committing gay acts or endorsing the secular gay community. It's a construct he formed in his simplistic teen years and won't let go. This is all in his mind and it should have stayed there, instead of misusing his ramblings to negatively influence others.
This review won't get into all the illogic of what's in this book, but the gay issue is much simpler than this guy makes it. Since he knows gay acts are not endorsed by God, then he can choose to either commit them as he would any other sin, or just not do them and move on (which he doesn't seem to want to do). He has bought into the world's modern view of sexuality where you get to choose your gender or orientation, avoiding objective truth and having your entire life's purpose revolve around a distorted view of how you were born. Simply because he likes to look at a man's body and doesn't get an erection looking at women doesn't mean he has had the orientation from birth. Being gay means more than just a little fantasy same-sex attraction.
But what's worst about the book is his lack of candor. He only opens the door part way. He doesn't talk about his fantasies or desires, he doesn't talk about masturbating, he avoids details of any specific encounters with men. In one case he uses a couple paragraphs to reveal he once "fell in love" with a handsome friend but doesn't tell us anything about it beyond that they've become good friends. Weird.
He seems incredibly young, out of touch with American reality (he grew up in Indonesia), has no trouble bending his theology to meet his selfishness elsewhere (he admits to drinking, lying, etc.), and certainly is no role model. He has simply latched on to this idea that he is homosexual, won't practice it, and wants to make it his identity.
The book's title is clear--he chooses to be celibate single, chooses to be gay, chooses to be evangelical Christian. Yet he fails to put being gay in the same category as the others, thinking God made him that way "and God don't make junk." He repeats over and over again that people tell him "You are not a mistake." Of course he's not a mistake--he is created by God at conception--but that doesn't mean he isn't mistaken nor that God can be used as an excuse for all the bad choices he makes. Some of the suffering the author claims to cling to is actually of his own making.
God created people that are free to make choices. Christians are flawed, sinful humans that spend our lives making choices, some good and some bad. Often we make bad choices knowing that they go against what God wants and suffer the consequences. Coles has decided to make one big public choice that he has made his life's focus and suffers from it, then tries to spend his days justifying it.
March 28, 2023
One of the most beautifully written books I've read in a while. Heartbreaking, laugh out loud funny, and brimming with insights.
September 21, 2017
What got me reading this book was not only a provocative title, but also a positive review from Don Carson, a reliable Reformed Evangelical theologian. "This book needs to be thoughtfully read by straight people and by gay people, by unbelievers and by Christians. It is not to be read with a condescending smirk, but with humility", – he said. And I tried to.
First of all, let me say it's not a theology book, but a personal testimony of a young Christian man who struggles to worship God in the middle of his mess.
It is a very brave, sincere, vulnerable story. Gregory Coles doesn't fit the stereotype of an "average" gay person: neither has he ever had any same-sex relationships, nor was abused as a child, nor had a dysfunctional family, nor considers a same-sex marriage acceptable for himself.
I would rather say this book is more about submission to Christ and the cost of Christian living than about being gay and Christian at the same time or trying hard to become a Christian ex-gay. I am so grateful to Gregory for his courage to come out as he is and share his story publicly. It gave me another perspective on what it means to have homosexual desires while being a born again Christian. Now I understand this struggle better.
The thought I liked most is: "Maybe the problem isn't that the faith costs some of us too much, but that it costs all of us too little?"
While many Christians might be strongly opposed to this book, I would recommend them to read it anyway. Especially if the very word "gay" gives you nightmares. Who knows, maybe you'll learn to love LGBTQ people more?
Gay people, who do not believe in the authority of the Bible, may benefit from the book too. At least it will give them another perspective on why staying single is not caused by self-hatred or religious oppression.
First of all, let me say it's not a theology book, but a personal testimony of a young Christian man who struggles to worship God in the middle of his mess.
It is a very brave, sincere, vulnerable story. Gregory Coles doesn't fit the stereotype of an "average" gay person: neither has he ever had any same-sex relationships, nor was abused as a child, nor had a dysfunctional family, nor considers a same-sex marriage acceptable for himself.
I would rather say this book is more about submission to Christ and the cost of Christian living than about being gay and Christian at the same time or trying hard to become a Christian ex-gay. I am so grateful to Gregory for his courage to come out as he is and share his story publicly. It gave me another perspective on what it means to have homosexual desires while being a born again Christian. Now I understand this struggle better.
The thought I liked most is: "Maybe the problem isn't that the faith costs some of us too much, but that it costs all of us too little?"
While many Christians might be strongly opposed to this book, I would recommend them to read it anyway. Especially if the very word "gay" gives you nightmares. Who knows, maybe you'll learn to love LGBTQ people more?
Gay people, who do not believe in the authority of the Bible, may benefit from the book too. At least it will give them another perspective on why staying single is not caused by self-hatred or religious oppression.
July 29, 2017
This is a well-written, grace filled book. It's accessible and a quick read chronicling the Greg's story: the story of realizing, wrestling with, and ultimately accepting his life as a single gay Christian. The book is written in a way that explains and humanizes his experiences -- it is descriptive, and not prescriptive. I appreciated Greg's tone candor and the depth of his conviction to remain single and celibate while being empathetic and open to dialogue. This book is a great resource for people who want to learn more about how to support our LGBTQ friends and brothers and sisters in Christ and to learn from one man's experiences.
August 30, 2017
I am deeply grateful for Greg Coles and his new book Single, Gay, Christian. This is not a book about a controversial topic. This is a story—one man’s honest and vulnerable story.
The current climate among people who disagree about important political, social, and religious issues is volatile, and often feels unsafe. We tend to stake out territory and defend positions rather than listen and potentially learn something from “the other side.” Many of us lack the willingness to be exposed to new ideas (or the people espousing them), perhaps fearing we’ll be led astray.
Because of this, it takes courage and vision to step out and tell your story when there are people on all sides who will vehemently oppose it. But more than courage, it takes solid footing, grounded assurance, and freedom from agenda to weather the inevitable storm such vulnerability will provoke.
Greg has offered all of these things in this important new book. Because, he knows it is only by listening to others that we have a shot at understanding the world around us and responding with compassion and love. It is important that we risk being changed. Our transformation into generous, compassionate, Christ-like people depends on our ability to listen. And Greg’s story would be worth listening to even if it pushed our buttons and made us uncomfortable—but I’m certain it won’t! Greg’s story is a pure treat not just because he’s an excellent writer, but because of his delightful personality, his clear and humble voice, and his readiness to love even those who don’t yet love him.
The current climate among people who disagree about important political, social, and religious issues is volatile, and often feels unsafe. We tend to stake out territory and defend positions rather than listen and potentially learn something from “the other side.” Many of us lack the willingness to be exposed to new ideas (or the people espousing them), perhaps fearing we’ll be led astray.
Because of this, it takes courage and vision to step out and tell your story when there are people on all sides who will vehemently oppose it. But more than courage, it takes solid footing, grounded assurance, and freedom from agenda to weather the inevitable storm such vulnerability will provoke.
Greg has offered all of these things in this important new book. Because, he knows it is only by listening to others that we have a shot at understanding the world around us and responding with compassion and love. It is important that we risk being changed. Our transformation into generous, compassionate, Christ-like people depends on our ability to listen. And Greg’s story would be worth listening to even if it pushed our buttons and made us uncomfortable—but I’m certain it won’t! Greg’s story is a pure treat not just because he’s an excellent writer, but because of his delightful personality, his clear and humble voice, and his readiness to love even those who don’t yet love him.
August 22, 2017
Gregory Coles begins Single, Gay, Christian with a promise: that he will show us the world through his eyes. This sets the tone for this intimate work; it's a book full of personal anecdotes: some funny, some sad, some awkward, and some moving. Coles throws in his philosophical musings, theological lessons, and practical conclusions amongst these tails in a way that makes them feel easy to digest and not all too academic.
Via these short portraits of Coles's life and intermingled thoughts, he makes the following case: God has created him as gay and this is a good thing. Yes, there are particular temptations and challenges that come with this, but there are equivalent (though different) temptations and challenges for a heterosexual man. Thus, he is free to embrace his gay sexuality and the opportunities it confers, such as lowered barriers in close friendships with women and warmer relationships with men.
However, all of the above is in subject to the authority of Christ. And God, in His all-good ways, has directed that gay sexual relations and marriage be avoided. This is not an easy command, and following it has and will lead Coles to trials and suffering. But the pain is not an ultimate negative, and in fact, it draws Coles closer to Christ. In the end, the personal struggles of celibacy only magnify Christ's sacrifice on the cross, giving Coles a greater delight and joy in the love of Christ and thus in life in general.
The first half of these arguments may be disconcerting to conservative Christians, the second half to those with a more liberal perspective on LGBTQ issues. Readers who aren't open to any other viewpoints than their own may be offended. I think this would sadden Coles - not because he expects readers to agree with him, but because he just would like us to hear and understand him.
Throughout the book I was struck by how kindly Coles responds to the questions he gets asked and the comments others make to him. Questions that might seem distasteful or offensive are warmly received by Coles in the most gracious way. After reading Coles's book, I wanted to sit down with him for coffee, tell him all the things I agree and disagree with, hear his thoughtful responses and rebuttals, and know that we share a mutual respect and love for each other no matter where we individually fall on each issue.
As society struggles with LGTBQ questions, its attempts to address these matters often devolving in to name-calling wars, I'll happily recommend Coles's engaging prose, concise opinions, and gentleness towards others as a better way forward.
Disclaimer: I received a free copy of this book in advance and was asked in exchange to leave an honest review of the work.
Via these short portraits of Coles's life and intermingled thoughts, he makes the following case: God has created him as gay and this is a good thing. Yes, there are particular temptations and challenges that come with this, but there are equivalent (though different) temptations and challenges for a heterosexual man. Thus, he is free to embrace his gay sexuality and the opportunities it confers, such as lowered barriers in close friendships with women and warmer relationships with men.
However, all of the above is in subject to the authority of Christ. And God, in His all-good ways, has directed that gay sexual relations and marriage be avoided. This is not an easy command, and following it has and will lead Coles to trials and suffering. But the pain is not an ultimate negative, and in fact, it draws Coles closer to Christ. In the end, the personal struggles of celibacy only magnify Christ's sacrifice on the cross, giving Coles a greater delight and joy in the love of Christ and thus in life in general.
The first half of these arguments may be disconcerting to conservative Christians, the second half to those with a more liberal perspective on LGBTQ issues. Readers who aren't open to any other viewpoints than their own may be offended. I think this would sadden Coles - not because he expects readers to agree with him, but because he just would like us to hear and understand him.
Throughout the book I was struck by how kindly Coles responds to the questions he gets asked and the comments others make to him. Questions that might seem distasteful or offensive are warmly received by Coles in the most gracious way. After reading Coles's book, I wanted to sit down with him for coffee, tell him all the things I agree and disagree with, hear his thoughtful responses and rebuttals, and know that we share a mutual respect and love for each other no matter where we individually fall on each issue.
As society struggles with LGTBQ questions, its attempts to address these matters often devolving in to name-calling wars, I'll happily recommend Coles's engaging prose, concise opinions, and gentleness towards others as a better way forward.
Disclaimer: I received a free copy of this book in advance and was asked in exchange to leave an honest review of the work.
August 20, 2017
"I saw the power of the stories we tell, how one person's machete-hewn journey through the briars can become someone else's highway to hope. I found myself believing that, as long as it continues to be told, no story is ever wasted" (Coles, p.88).
Gregory Coles' story is one that needs to be told. It is a story of faith, self-discovery, suffering, and hope. It is a story that must be listened to with compassion by the Evangelical church. It is a story that could probably be told by countless Christians who have been afraid to be open about their sexual identity. It is a story that, I hope, encourages and emboldens more followers of Jesus who are gay to share their own stories.
You will not find all the answers to your questions in this brief look into Gregory's struggle to understand what it means to be a Single, Gay, Christian. I believe, however, you may find an invitation from Jesus to love others like He does.
"I'm convinced...that in the end, God is more concerned with the depth and recklessness of our love for him than he is with our right answers" (p.112).
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=km5hg...
Gregory Coles' story is one that needs to be told. It is a story of faith, self-discovery, suffering, and hope. It is a story that must be listened to with compassion by the Evangelical church. It is a story that could probably be told by countless Christians who have been afraid to be open about their sexual identity. It is a story that, I hope, encourages and emboldens more followers of Jesus who are gay to share their own stories.
You will not find all the answers to your questions in this brief look into Gregory's struggle to understand what it means to be a Single, Gay, Christian. I believe, however, you may find an invitation from Jesus to love others like He does.
"I'm convinced...that in the end, God is more concerned with the depth and recklessness of our love for him than he is with our right answers" (p.112).
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=km5hg...
March 7, 2022
As a Christian counselor who regularly interacts with people that struggle with reconciling their sexuality with their theology, this is certainly a book that I will be recommending many of my future clients to read for years to come. I love the vulnerable, authentic nature of this book and how completely relatable Greg is in how he shares his story. For anyone who intends to read this book, keep in mind that it's not an academic book designed to teach you about a theology of sexuality. It's a memoir designed to share the story of someone whose gay, identifies as being a christian, and has willingly chosen to pursue a life of celibacy. As someone who enjoys writing and storytelling, I appreciate the genuineness of his contribution to this heavy topic and admire his courage in being transparent about his personal experiences. If you want to get a sense of the tone and personality of this author, check out this youtube interview before reading the book, and it will help you understand a bit more about the voice behind the text that you are reading:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5m-xl...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5m-xl...
September 6, 2022
This was a delightful (and quick!) book to read, and perhaps my favorite on the issue of sexuality and Christianity. I really appreciate Gregory Coles' honesty, humor, and positivity as he shares his story of understanding his faith and sexuality and owning his story while keeping a strong identity in Christ. He navigates some of the hot button issues in evangelical Christianity and sexuality well (in my opinion), and I hope those who don't struggle with sexuality can learn from his experience and take a posture of listening and understanding. Much of his story should spark healthy discussion and care among straight Christians and LGBT/SSA Christians, and a reminder that beyond the issue, they are still people seeking Jesus boldly and faithfully. After reading the book, I left wishing we could be friends
February 14, 2018
Good writer, good detail, thought-provoking, diplomatic, relatable, at times funny. Coles' journey and conclusion is nuanced and complicated. Many instances of good prose including this excerpt from chapter 8 which I feel is somewhat of a summation of the book to a degree (aside from the author's conclusion that remaining celibate was the only way for him to reconcile his same-sex attraction and his Christian faith): "It was strangely democratizing, standing in a roomful of self-professed wretches and singing about grace. I forgot for a moment to speculate about everyone else's beliefs, forgot to analyze the orthodoxy of the faith journeys of those around me. I was too caught up in my own faith, my own wretchedness, the amazingness of grace in my own life despite my all-too-frequent and all-too-recent failures. . . . I couldn't have told you with certainty who standing in those austere pews was right or wrong, who loved Jesus or didn't, who was "saved" or "unsaved." I simply knew that each one of us was equally in need of the grace of God and that his offer of freedom was the same for us all" (p. 105-06).
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