Grace Based Discipline: How to Be at Your Best When Your Kids Are at Their Worst

by Karis Kimmel Murray

"Parents face a crazy paradox," says author Karis Kimmel Murray. "We love our kids exactly as they are, but we also love them too much to let them stay that way!"
Disciplining kids is tough . . . even on a good day. We just want the 140-character version of what we should do when our kids' behavior scrapes the enamel off our sanity. Here's what God
With humor and down-to-earth practicality, Karis shares stories of trial and triumph straight from the trenches of parenting. From the first page, Karis gives desperate parents a reliable recipe for peace, boundaries, and effective discipline.
Responsive, grace-based parents are just ordinary people who've learned to tap into divine help.
Heather (Mom of 4 school aged children)
Sharla (Mom of 3 young children) Linda (Grandmother) Andi (Mom of a teen) **************************

Genres: Parenting, Christian, Nonfiction, Family, Christian Living, Faith, Childrens

224 pages, Paperback

First published January 1, 2017

About the author

Karis Kimmel Murray is the oldest daughter of Christian relationship expert and bestselling, award winning author Dr. Tim Kimmel. Karis grew up in the family that was the proving ground for the philosophy that turned traditional Christian parenting advice on its head. Her parent’s radical message has helped transform relationships in tens of thousands of Christian families through her father’s book, Grace Based Parenting®, as well as the Grace-Based Parenting ™ and Grace-Filled Marriage training events and video studies.
Her debut book, Grace Based Discipline, builds on her family heritage and insider authority to shed light on what radical, grace-based discipline looks like in a Gospel-centered home. Her step-by-step, grace-based approach to discipline empowers parents to be at their best, even when their kids are at their worst.
As the Creative Director for Family Matters® (the ministry behind the “grace message”,) Karis writes and speaks to a growing global audience to testify to the powerful influence grace-based parenting had on her upbringing, and as a parent now herself, why she and her husband are raising their daughters the same way.
With conversational style and humor, Karis connects with her readers and audiences on a heart level and swaps stories of trial and triumph…straight from the trenches of parenting.
Karis is the writer and co-host of the Family Matters Minute, a daily, one-minute radio segment heard by nearly 4.5 Million people every weekday.
Karis and her husband Mike reside in Scottsdale, Arizona with their two teenage daughters and a menagerie of pets.

Follow Karis on Social:
facebook.com/kariskimmelmurrayauthor
Instagram- @kariskmurray

Reviews

[Lindsay · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book had some REALLY helpful content. I wasn’t a huge fan of the writing style, but that’s a personal preference. The concepts were good, and if you’ve read any of the Grace-Based books, it’s very similar, but with practical discipline tips. The last chapter was probably my favorite!

[Shannon · Rating 3 out of 5]

Three stars feels like too few, but that's Goodreads' rating system for ya...

I love Shepherding a Child's Heart but often was left wondering, "What does that actually LOOK like?" Where I sometimes wished Tripp was a bit more illustrative ("Here is a story about how this might look in practice"), this book was able to fill in some gaps.

Murray provides not only several out-loud chuckles but also a more rubber-meets-the-road take on parenting with grace. She is master of mental tricks to keep cool and a plethora of helpful analogies: first responders, the grace thermostat, different temperaments as different "countries" (Genevieve is from the deep center of *FUN COUNTRY* and that is very clarifying). These mental images, usually about one per chapter, are the most helpful parts of the book, because the very useful and necessary theology of parenting can be so abstract as to be easily forgettable in the moment, but I can (for some reason) manage to remember a concrete picture like Murray's "basket trick."

I suppose a minor quibble would be that sometimes it comes across as too prescriptive ("Here's what we did that worked!"). But even the most specific-to-them moments cast a vision of what a family running on grace can look like. And parenting is hard, so I'll take all the help I can get, whether it's mental tricks, the Murrays' example, or all of Dr. Kimmel's books that I have now picked up because of reading this one.

[Susy C. *MotherLambReads* · Rating 4 out of 5]

I love and desperately need parenting books.

Even though I may not agree with the author in certain ways she disciplined or did not discipline, I appreciated all the good applications and Bible verses she used to back up her points.

So many parenting books are ideas, suggestions, or philosonphies. This parenting book was application. Application and examples of how we can carry out grace. I feel like I need a paper version and not just a kindle version with highlighted notes.

These were the application parts I learned most about:
How to establish clear rules
Examples of family mission statements
Examples of evaluauting violations
Examples of determining motivations
Examples of giving appropriate consequences
Examples of kid's flags (personalities)

This book gives clear and concise look at how grace is supposed to be played out in our homes. How rules and regulations have their place but tempered with love and relationship. It's main focus is discipline and how grace is played out in this arena. It shows a clear view of the difference of a house ruled by legalism vs a house ruled by grace.

I want to read Graced Based Parnenting by Tim Kimmel next.

[Anna · Rating 4 out of 5]

3.5/5. This is a pretty short book, hooray!The first half was a lot of funny stories and general principles/theory and I was somewhat bored. The second half got more practical and was helpful, I think, though time will tell of course. There are practical principles for thinking through how to categorize and address behaviors at all ages, and I'll probably skim the second half every few years to refresh. There is a brief appendix on spanking which gave some helpful principles on thinking through that decision. I would personally like to see a longer discussion on that, with in-depth analysis of what Scripture says and what church fathers, reformers, child development experts, etc. have to say about it. Guess I'll have to find that somewhere else though.

[Stephany (Goombah) · Rating 5 out of 5]

I read this a couple years ago as a fairly new mother. Since then I have read quite a few Christian parenting books and couldn’t help but often compare them to this book. Almost every other “how to parent” I’ve read leans either too strongly on “the rod” or is so focused on grace it misses the value in teaching discipline entirely. Grace based discipline is special because it cuts to the crux of matters- reaching your child’s heart. It does that by taking a look at how God parents us and using that as a guide. Law and grace are balanced. Almost every parenting book CLAIMS to do this. Grace based discipline is the only one I’ve read this far that I feel confident actually nailed it.
I will come back to this book again and again.

[Ashley · Rating 3 out of 5]

I took this book pretty slowly, so I would have time to think about the principles instead of experiencing what I call Nonfiction Post-Immersion Evaporation. That is, I tend to forget the main point/position/principles almost immediately after reading.

The last few sections were genuinely useful. The rest was mostly anecdotal or "yeah I know."

[Amanda Miro · Rating 5 out of 5]

I’m a first time mom and I thought this book was very insightful. It gave me practical tips that I could apply immediately. It was easy fun, read.

[Alyssa Yoder · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book was clarifying for me. Grace-based parenting/discipline was something I'd heard about and desperately wanted to do with my own children. But I was continually confused about what exactly grace-based parenting looked like in action. This book was practical, kind, and clear. An easy read (I give an eye roll to some of the slang, metaphor, and references to the family parenting business it contains) but a helpful one.

[Dan · Rating 5 out of 5]

Raising children can be a very difficult task. Children are unique and they should disciplined in a way that is effective but also tailored to them. This is not easy. Parents also have their own personality and sometimes this may cause conflict.

How then does a parent discipline a child? There is not a one method for all. Parents must adjust their disciplines based on personality and age. In her book, Grace-Based Discipline, Karis Kimmel Murray has written one this matter. Part personal story and motivational Muarry takes parents on a educational journey on how to discipline by starting with the goal of discipline.

What is meant by this?

Parents need to understand that the way they discipline their child will tell the child whether or not they are loved. Parents could go overboard usually in one of two ways: either they discipline too much and the child feels he/she can do no right, or they discipline too little and the child does as he/she pleases.

Neither one of these is correct. However, discipline it needs to be present. Murray gives some helpful information on how to discipline children with grace. When done correctly, children can grow and know they are loved.

I found this to be encouraging and enjoyed the personal level that was given to this book. I myself am a father of two boys and have baby number three on the way. It is good to know that every parent at some point will struggle with the area of discipline. Knowing that I'm not alone, I received encouragement from this book in my parenting struggles.

I will suggest that every parent get a copy of this book and pay special attention to the information in the appendix. The appendix addresses Parenting in Digital Age and gives guidance to parents to teach their children about what it discussed on the internet. Teaching respect and politeness should also extend to the digital mediums. Sadly, there are some who do not use social media in this manner.

Also in the appendix is some information on spanking. I will not go into that in this review but suffice it to say it is some good information on spanking. Hopefully this will open up a conversation between a mother and a father on whether they choose to use physical discipline in the form of speaking or not.

*I received a complimentary copy of from the publisher in exchange for my honest review.

[Clint · Rating 2 out of 5]

The first third of this book is TOTALLY worth it. Wonderful ideas to develop family values, rules, etc. I think Kimmel-Murray struggled to wrap things up in this book. There were strawman arguments, such as: if you don’t spank your children, your problem is with God, not me.

Silly.

Actually, the problem is with Kimmel-Murray’s misinterpretation of the passage “spare the rod, spoil the child” (or something like that). I have a hard time thinking that God would approve of parents hitting their children with rods! ;-) The rod is referring to a shepherd’s staff that is used to guide and direct sheep, not hit them.

The primary role of a parent is to guide and (re)direct their children, not hit them with rods and belts. ;-)

I stopped spanking my kids around 6 years ago — it was hard — spanking is an easy solution with quick benefits. I am just not sure it is the best way. I have employed positive parenting strategies the last 6 years and have found that children so desperately want to please their parents, but want to be praised by their parents even more.

It works. I get positive comments for my children more than once a week. It is not because I spank them and exercise no nonsense parenting, but because I focus on praising, incentivizing (not “bribing” unless a paycheck is a bribe), and focus on logical and natural consequences.

Don’t get me wrong, Kimmel-Murray definitely employs more strategies than spanking! However, her method of arguing her case sometimes grows tiresome.

For this reason, I would recommend reading her book until you are done. Personally, I received more from her dad’s books. Having said this, her section on creating values, rules, etc. is still worth the price of the book.

[Lauren DuPrez · Rating 5 out of 5]

I’m unsure of how I initially came across Grace Based Discipline by Karis Kimmel Murray but I’m thankful I came across it nonetheless. The title had been on my Thriftbooks wishlist and upon placing a recent order, I decided to add it to my cart. I had been wanting to discover Christian books about parenting that align with the Bible and I’m thankful that I found that in Grace Based Discipline. With honesty and humor, Karis shares with readers her own experiences in parenting and ways she and her husband have implemented the book’s concepts in their home. I enjoyed reading about this because it gave me some practical ideas to try with my family.

The ideas in Grace Based Discipline originated with the author’s parents who were looking for a theology of parenting that was free of fear, sin management, and spiritual image control (pg. 7). This really resonated with me because my heart has been shifting in how I view myself as a parent/discipler. I now view my primary function in that role as pointing others to Jesus. This notion reminded me that my job is to plant and water and that if there is any growth, it comes from God alone (1 Corinthians 3:6, Philippians 2:13) through the power of the Holy Spirit.

My favorite aspect of the book is the chapter dedicated to understanding God’s word rightly. To help readers do this, Karis introduced the Three Ps on page 72: “A grace-based home sets the expectation of living by God’s standards so we can fully experience the joy that living within God’s will brings. We want to avoid the pitfall of making things moral or spiritual issues when they’re not. So as we begin the process of setting clear boundaries and expectations, we want to be sure to put the house rules, safety rules, and moral/biblical rules in the correct categories. The best safeguard is what I call the ‘Three Ps.’ As we read the Bible, even if it’s just a small morsel, we should ask: ‘Is this a precept?’ ‘What principles should I apply to myself and my family? ‘Do either of my answers need to change in light of the current biblical precedent?’” That chapter concluded with the sad and startling story of a family Karis and her siblings grew up with. The parents in that family wrongly emphasized the encounter Jesus had with the rich young ruler and enforced that bit of Scripture as their family’s way of life. It was so wild and sad to read about but helpful to learn that the way we parent our children shapes their view of God.

On page 162, Karis listed various discipline tactics parents can use some of include, teaching, distracting, and do-overs (pg. 162). She included commentary about each tactic mentioned which was helpful but what really blessed me was the question she encouraged parents to ask themselves: "Is this the way God parents me? If you're still unsure how to respond to your kids' defiance, ask, 'How does God respond to me?' If you're still unclear about what do to about your kids' behavior, ask, 'How does God discipline me? Here's the thing: our homes are laboratories for the gospel. How we parent, and how we discipline, will be evidence that will either support or disprove whether the gospel is the good news we all claim."

One aspect of the book that intrigued me was its gracious treatment of spanking. I've quickly grown weary of Christian parenting resources that have treated spanking as if it were a matter of a first importance (1 Corinthians 15:3) even though the term “spanking” and the modern employment of it aren’t actually found in the pages of Scripture. I was especially grateful for Appendix B in the back of the book which Karis used to offer a balanced approach to this disciplinary option.

Overall, I really enjoyed Grace Based Discipline and found it to be refreshing and freeing. I look forward to implementing its suggestions in my own parenting and hope to read more from Karis Kimmel Murray in the future.

[Katie · Rating 3 out of 5]

Karis Kimmel Murray is wickedly funny. Her writing makes a perfect sample of readability. Her book is engaging and quick. While much of it rings familiar if you already read in the "Gospel Centered Everything" circles, she provided me with a few useful tidbits and many lovely reminders of truths too easily forgotten.

The big beef I had with this book is not the author's fault. It's her parents' from whom she inherited the entire "grace-based parenting" concept. Murray (and I assume her father Dr. Tim Kimmel), in the tradition of every definition of grace I've ever heard, defines grace as "unmerited favor." It's what God demonstrates towards his children in the atoning death and resurrection of Jesus Christ and the application of that atonement to undeserving sinners. Because God as Father gives us grace, Kimmel and his wife extrapolated that all parents are called to interact in a mode of grace towards their children. But are they? Do our sinful human kids really never deserve anything from their sinful human parents? We are utterly obligated toward our kids, not by themselves, but by the God who gave them to us. We are called to bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord (Ephesians 6:4), to not discourage and provoke them (Ephesians 6:4, Colossians 3:21), to provide for them (2 Corinthians 12:14, 1 Timothy 5:8), and to love them (Isaiah 66:13, Luke 11:11). So the lovingkindness and selflessness with which we are to parent is beautifully illustrated in this book, but I don't think it rises to the definition of "grace-based." As the excellent blog post from Megan Hill at Reformation 21 called "I forgive you, but please don't call it 'giving grace'" (http://www.reformation21.org/blog/201...) says better than I possibly could, we shouldn't cheapen grace by calling every kindness of ours this wonderfully massive thing. It's not that Scripture doesn't present God as a model Father, it totally does. It's that we simply cannot give grace in the way that he does, though we can and should mirror many other ways he interacts with us as children. So while many of the conclusions were sound, I found the premise of the book shaky. As Mark Twain said, "the difference between the almost right word and the right word is really a large matter. ’tis the difference between the lightning bug and the lightning."

[Megan · Rating 4 out of 5]

What I liked:
-Murray encourages parents not to react identically to all "infractions." Children misbehave in different ways and certain behaviors are not as bad as others. It's straight up bad parenting to react the same way in every occasion (e.g. breaking a lamp while rough housing is not the same as cheating on a test at school and should not be addressed identically. "disobedience" is not a catch-all "sin").
-Murray encourages parents to consider developmental abilities (toddlers are toddlers and it is not immoral for them to act like toddlers) and different personalities (perfectionists might seem more well-behaved than their artsy free spirited siblings, but it's just because perfectionists feel more at home in rigidity, while such rigidity suffocates a free spirit).

What I didn't like:
-Murray acts like she doesn't care whether you spank (she makes one small reference in the body of the book and waits to address spanking until an appendix at the end). However, it is clear that she is pro-spanking when she accuses non-spankers of falling into license or a lack of desire to discipline (the only thing spankers have to worry about is abuse, which is such a vague standard). Honestly this appendix really upset me because the rest of the book seemed so positive and powerful and it was disappointing to read after ALL THAT, basically the best discipline for young children is a spank.

But I didn't want to drop the book's rating all the way down to a 2 or 3 because the body of the book really is helpful and much more positive than most conservative, Christian parenting books that automatically center every discipline discussion around "the rod."

[Bastione · Rating 4 out of 5]

I think maybe my mindset is very similar to the authors already. Over all its a great book I would recommend.

....But honestly, in a few examples I felt she spoiled her own point. Like when she says she doesn't recommend consequenses for small cat fights between kids if they stop when asked. But allowing kids to tussle a bit turned sour for a friend's child when he whopped his sister with a bat and shattered her ankle. He was devastated by her being hurt, but she still recommended additional consequences. In my mind, if you allow your kids to hit each other in some circumstances, don't expect the child to know when to draw the line you haven't drawn for them. That's your fault. Especially because kids are bad judges of danger.

Second, the a very good point of the book was that often life's consequences are the perfect trainer. And that its about the heart, like God's grace for us. So to me, if the child is repentant, that means life circumstances were penalty enough. Probably especially in tramatic circumstances. When we come to God repentant he never says, "Sorry, this sin was too big!" He always gives grace to the humble every time. Why would that pattern of grace based discipline end in the situation with the little boy?
(Obviously there are times its an over and over repeat offense, the child is just being dramatic and isn't repentant. But in this case she emphasized that he was, if the parents had doubts he really was devastated, thought he was likely to do it again, then he isn't repentant and the situation would be different.)

[Alex · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book is really slow to get started. The author goes on several unnecessary rabbit trails and makes a lot of jokes that honestly aren’t funny.
More than half of the book is metaphors, theories, and attempting to categorize our children’s behaviors. It wasn’t until 68% of the way through that the author actually started talking about discipline. And it wasn’t until 80% that she began giving practical advice. I am glad I read the entire book, because I appreciated the “sushi menu” analogy and the descriptions of age-appropriate discipline based on child development. However, I wish the first 80% of the book had been condensed into one chapter, and the final 20% of the book had been expanded into multiple chapters describing each item and each description.
I didn’t understand the concept of a child’s “country” and found it confusing. (I also didn’t want to pay $50 to the author’s parents’ company in order to figure it out.)
I’m still giving this book three stars because it is positive and encouraging when handling a difficult subject, and, in general, the author seems to be Biblically sound. I simply think that a more practical book would be more helpful.

[Luke · Rating 4 out of 5]

Very helpful book. Murray (daughter of Tim Kimmel who authored "Grace-Based Parenting") writes with a wry banter which serves well to communicate deep truths without preaching. Having read her father's primary book (and enjoying it a lot), I was somewhat familiar with the foundation of this style, but Murray does a good job of covering the basics of the ideology, and then building upon this foundation, expanding it into the realm of discipline. Her suggestions were practical, her examples were humorous and poignant, and I feel like I learned quite a bit.

It's a lot to absorb/implement all at once, but Murray does a good job of distilling the content down to essential points and encouraging parents to begin one step at a time. I'd recommend this book to anyone who feels like their parenting style could use an injection of grace.

Thanks for taking the time to read my review!

[Sarah · Rating 4 out of 5]

Solid book on discipline. She is definitely writing towards the mothers, but there is some excellent information in there for the fathers as well. Lots of antidotes (which I'm not a fan of) but they work and help her make some good points. Her definitions on "punishment" vs. "discipline" were spot on and I personally thought it was the strongest portion of her book. Would be most applicable for parents with older kids (6+) but I found some great bits that also applied to the toddler years as well. Not necessarily anything new discipline wise, but she makes some very thought-provoking points and is careful to explain her reasoning behind certain disciplines. 4/5 stars.

[Caitlyn Clark · Rating 5 out of 5]

Fantastic and Super Practical

I knew I needed grace in my discipline, but I didn't know ~how~ to discipline in this way. (It wasn't exactly how I was raised, though I still believe I had great parents who were doing the best with what they had). Thank you Karis Kimmel Murray for a practical guide in how to respond to children's behavior with grace. It has helped me chill out quite a bit (my three are still pretty young) and realize many things are still just behavioral/developmental annoyances at this age and not necessarily moral issues. So wonderfully freeing it is to respond in love rather than react in fear or anger.

[H.R. Savage · Rating 5 out of 5]

With two very high-energy and stubborn children, it has become quite the adventure trying to figure out disciplining them. I always fear with how much is "too much" discipline. Where do I start ruining the people that they are? Am I scarring them with my attempts on raising them to be good, God-loving adults? Karis Kimmel Murray is amazing at explaining how to discipline the way God disciplines His children--in a Grace-Based manner. After reading this book, I feel much better in our level of discipline and she gave us some awesome ideas to implement.

[David Westerveld · Rating 5 out of 5]

Excellent book! A lot of great advice in here around reaching the hearts of your kids when disciplining. For example: separate out the annoyances from the sins and approach them in the way God approaches us when we fall short. My wife and I read this together and it has already helped us in our parenting. I think we all have tendencies to swing between the extremes of harshness and permissiveness when disciplining and this book gives you the tools to help you stay on the path of loving, instructional discipline that builds healthy relationships in your family.

[Tracy · Rating 5 out of 5]

Every parent needs to read this

Ever loose it and think man I should’ve done_____, well you’re not alone.

I often make threats that I’m not willing or able to follow through with- therefore my effectiveness is watered down. It is very important that both parents be a team and on the same page.
But our ultimate goal is to help our children embrace God’s love and forgiveness for us...

[Elaine Cheah · Rating 4 out of 5]

Great follow up to Grace Based Parenting

While it reiterated the philosophy of Grace Based Parenting, I found some tips useful. I also like that I’m reminded again and again of the important factors of loving correction. As a parent of 3 kids, in the thick of parenting, everything becomes marred and panicky. Reading these books help me to remember to enjoy my kids and love them while correcting them.

[Heather Russell · Rating 5 out of 5]

Having read Grace Based Parenting, I was eager to read Grace Based Discipline. The author made it enjoyable to read with a deep understanding of parenting with both strengths and weaknesses. She wasn't ashamed to admit mistakes that she has made which made her feel very human! There were many components that were helpful to me both in viewpoint and practicality as a parent. I look forward to apply aspects of the book to my parenting life.

[Melinda · Rating 5 out of 5]

At first, I didn’t think that there would be much application in this, but there is a lot of application as you continue reading. It Talks about how discipline has to be age based. It teaches you what each age group prioritizes as far as what consequences work best. It also teaches you about having a plan of action, so that when a bad behavior creeps up, you are ready and you don’t react out of frustration. It had a lot of really good points!

[Andrew Whisenant · Rating 4 out of 5]

Godly discipline to raise good kids

We can't make children godly. That work is up to them and Him. But we can teach them the ways they should go, so when they are old they won't depart from it. This book creates a great understanding for not losing your mind in the trenches of parenting. It helped me to understand not to fight every battle, and every offense doesn't need the same kind of discipline. Well worth your time to read!

[Liz · Rating 1 out of 5]

I was so hopeful to read this but sadly disappointed. Turns out she is not really what I think Grace based parenting should be: She’s pro-spanking and her attitude toward scripture is ironically borderline offensively-casual/poking fun, and only sprinkled in. She has come to SOME good strong conclusions on effective and positive parenting but other books/philosophies do it a lot better.

[Kelsey Haddenhorst · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book matches our general vibe of parenting more than other Christian practical parenting books I have read. It felt very gospel centered, while still giving discipline. I also appreciated how it did not present a parenting as a one fits all legalistic approach as I have seen and some other Christian parenting books.

[Lt · Rating 3 out of 5]

The premise of her writing and the concepts that she builds on are good and necessary for good discipline. But her writing is so scattered and half the time you have no idea what her quite long personal anecdotes have to do with anything. And although the flag page personality tests were fun to do, I don't think they were very accurate.

[Emily Kyes · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was an easy read and enjoyable. It has some helpful ways of thinking about parenting and discipline that were helpful for me to think through. I also just like hearing stories of how other parents have done things and different scenarios they’ve had with their children. Also my library had it which was surprising to me because it’s a very Christian book

[Clare Berlinski · Rating 3 out of 5]

Read this book for mentor moms. Had some good tips and good ways to look at different areas of discipline. The author is really witty and has good anecdotes. Like all parenting books, there was a lot of theory that in your day to day life is hard to remember and implement since every situation is nuanced, but definitely still some good nuggets of wisdom for some good strategies.