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You and Your Gender Identity: A Guide to Discovery
Are you wrestling with questions surrounding your gender that just don't seem to go away? Do you want answers to questions about your gender identity, but aren't sure how to get started?
In this groundbreaking guide, Dara Hoffman-Fox, LPC--accomplished gender therapist and thought leader whose articles, blogs, and videos have empowered thousands worldwide--helps you navigate your journey of self-discovery in three approachable stages: preparation, reflection, and exploration.
In You and Your Gender Identity, you will learn:
Why understanding your gender identity is core to embracing your full being
How to sustain the highs and lows of your journey with resources, connection, and self-care
How to uncover and move through your feelings of fear, loneliness, and doubt
Why it's important to examine your past through the lens of gender exploration
How to discover and begin living as your authentic self
What options you have after making your discoveries about your gender identity
In this groundbreaking guide, Dara Hoffman-Fox, LPC--accomplished gender therapist and thought leader whose articles, blogs, and videos have empowered thousands worldwide--helps you navigate your journey of self-discovery in three approachable stages: preparation, reflection, and exploration.
In You and Your Gender Identity, you will learn:
Why understanding your gender identity is core to embracing your full being
How to sustain the highs and lows of your journey with resources, connection, and self-care
How to uncover and move through your feelings of fear, loneliness, and doubt
Why it's important to examine your past through the lens of gender exploration
How to discover and begin living as your authentic self
What options you have after making your discoveries about your gender identity
280 pages, Paperback
First published May 15, 2016
211 people are currently reading
852 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 29 of 29 reviews
November 13, 2017
While I have read a lot of gender guides, self-help, and reference books over the years, what sets You and Your Gender Identity: A Guide to Discovery apart is its interactive nature. This is less a book to be read, and more something to be experienced. Dara Hoffman-Fox guides us on the journey, setting up the questions and sign posts along the way, but leave it up to the reader to determine their own destination.
Dara opens the preface with a reference to Joseph Campbell and the idea of the heroic journey, which make sense because storytelling is integral to the book. We are invited to define ourselves as characters, explore our motivations, examine our back stories, and set out the story of our gender journey - our logline. It is almost like a transgender role playing game session, only with a licensed therapist instead of a game master.
Every reader will take something different from the book, but given the emphasis on mentors throughout, I thought I would explore a very personal take on what resonated with me - aside from the storytelling aspect itself, of course.
Building a Support Team is pretty basic stuff, but it means a little more to me of late. Growing up, I had no mentors, no bodyguards, and no support team. Looking back, I wonder, if I could have counted on just one person to listen, to understand, and to care, how differently my life might have turned out? We cannot change the past, but the future is always open, and having had the chance to act as something of a virtual mentor to a few people over the last year, I have an even greater appreciation for what a difference that support team can make.
The Role of Shame and Guilt struck me deeply, a chapter that asks us to look back at where those feelings come from, how they impact us, and how much they control our lives. I know the exact moment that shame and guilt entered my journey. I was in high school, relatively comfortable with my blossoming gender identity/expression, and thinking about university as a fresh start. I was confused, but I was also excited. And then I came home from school to find my mother had been snooping, had found everything (clothes, makeup, wig, falsies, books, etc.), and was absolutely disgusted. She taught me shame, she taught me guilt, and she forced me to begin the familiar cycle of guilty indulgence and shame-filled purges.
Keeping in Mind the Big Picture bothered me a bit, because it opens with so much discussion about internalized transphobia, but it goes on to share some fantastic thoughts on our identities and our sense of self. The main reason I bring it up, though, is the lengthy questionnaire at the end of the chapter (31 questions). It took me days to complete it, and the way it made me organize my thoughts and reflect on my sense of self was invaluable.
Deconstructing Gender is, perhaps, the most interesting section of the book. It is here that Dara gets into discussions of transgender, gender diverse, non-binary, and gender dysphoria. There is a bit of everything in this chapter - definitions, short questionnaires, checklists - with some really encouraging explorations of being non-binary. What spoke loudest to me, though, was the section at the end about removing gender from the equation, looking at interests, behaviors, and appearances on their own, free of stereotypes and expectations.
Wrestling with Uncertainty hit me hard too, especially, the section that asks, "Is it actually this . . . or is it just that?" So many of the questions I asked myself after that introduction to shame and guilt are captured here. There is a lengthy checklist, and I am sorry to say I have a lot of tick marks on that page - Am I really just gay/lesbian? Is it just a fetish? Am I really a cross-dresser? Is this just a kink? - the list goes on. Some of those questions predate that introduction, but the bulk of them only came about after I was forced to feel so disgusted with myself. I love how Dara breaks the questions down into clusters, and found the fetish/kink cluster to be particularly interesting, especially how harshly she dismisses the "dangerous and deceptive" model of autogynephilia.
Putting It All Together is where, well, everything comes together, helping us to determine all the possible destinations of our gender journey. Dara reminds us that it's okay to be wrong, and okay to change our mind later. The lengthy questionnaire from Keeping in Mind the Big Picture is repeated here, allowing us to explore how much our ideas and thoughts have changed over the course of the exercise, and I loved the gender identity options - there are approximately 90 listed, including a few that are culturally specific.
If you take it seriously, and put the work into it that it requires, You and Your Gender Identity: A Guide to Discovery is by no means an easy read (or a comfortable one), but it is an invaluable experience. Nothing can replace the one-on-one experience of a licensed therapist, but Dara Hoffman-Fox has done a wonderful job of expanding her services to a virtual pool of clients.
As reviewed by Sally at Bending the Bookshelf
Dara opens the preface with a reference to Joseph Campbell and the idea of the heroic journey, which make sense because storytelling is integral to the book. We are invited to define ourselves as characters, explore our motivations, examine our back stories, and set out the story of our gender journey - our logline. It is almost like a transgender role playing game session, only with a licensed therapist instead of a game master.
Every reader will take something different from the book, but given the emphasis on mentors throughout, I thought I would explore a very personal take on what resonated with me - aside from the storytelling aspect itself, of course.
Building a Support Team is pretty basic stuff, but it means a little more to me of late. Growing up, I had no mentors, no bodyguards, and no support team. Looking back, I wonder, if I could have counted on just one person to listen, to understand, and to care, how differently my life might have turned out? We cannot change the past, but the future is always open, and having had the chance to act as something of a virtual mentor to a few people over the last year, I have an even greater appreciation for what a difference that support team can make.
The Role of Shame and Guilt struck me deeply, a chapter that asks us to look back at where those feelings come from, how they impact us, and how much they control our lives. I know the exact moment that shame and guilt entered my journey. I was in high school, relatively comfortable with my blossoming gender identity/expression, and thinking about university as a fresh start. I was confused, but I was also excited. And then I came home from school to find my mother had been snooping, had found everything (clothes, makeup, wig, falsies, books, etc.), and was absolutely disgusted. She taught me shame, she taught me guilt, and she forced me to begin the familiar cycle of guilty indulgence and shame-filled purges.
Keeping in Mind the Big Picture bothered me a bit, because it opens with so much discussion about internalized transphobia, but it goes on to share some fantastic thoughts on our identities and our sense of self. The main reason I bring it up, though, is the lengthy questionnaire at the end of the chapter (31 questions). It took me days to complete it, and the way it made me organize my thoughts and reflect on my sense of self was invaluable.
Deconstructing Gender is, perhaps, the most interesting section of the book. It is here that Dara gets into discussions of transgender, gender diverse, non-binary, and gender dysphoria. There is a bit of everything in this chapter - definitions, short questionnaires, checklists - with some really encouraging explorations of being non-binary. What spoke loudest to me, though, was the section at the end about removing gender from the equation, looking at interests, behaviors, and appearances on their own, free of stereotypes and expectations.
Wrestling with Uncertainty hit me hard too, especially, the section that asks, "Is it actually this . . . or is it just that?" So many of the questions I asked myself after that introduction to shame and guilt are captured here. There is a lengthy checklist, and I am sorry to say I have a lot of tick marks on that page - Am I really just gay/lesbian? Is it just a fetish? Am I really a cross-dresser? Is this just a kink? - the list goes on. Some of those questions predate that introduction, but the bulk of them only came about after I was forced to feel so disgusted with myself. I love how Dara breaks the questions down into clusters, and found the fetish/kink cluster to be particularly interesting, especially how harshly she dismisses the "dangerous and deceptive" model of autogynephilia.
Putting It All Together is where, well, everything comes together, helping us to determine all the possible destinations of our gender journey. Dara reminds us that it's okay to be wrong, and okay to change our mind later. The lengthy questionnaire from Keeping in Mind the Big Picture is repeated here, allowing us to explore how much our ideas and thoughts have changed over the course of the exercise, and I loved the gender identity options - there are approximately 90 listed, including a few that are culturally specific.
If you take it seriously, and put the work into it that it requires, You and Your Gender Identity: A Guide to Discovery is by no means an easy read (or a comfortable one), but it is an invaluable experience. Nothing can replace the one-on-one experience of a licensed therapist, but Dara Hoffman-Fox has done a wonderful job of expanding her services to a virtual pool of clients.
As reviewed by Sally at Bending the Bookshelf
December 3, 2017
I am a therapist who works with people questioning gender identity, and I am looking forward to recommending this book to my clients. It is a resource that is very needed. It is well-laid out and practical, and encourages self-discovery. Throughout the book, Dara’s voice remains empathic and kind, and demonstrates a strong knowledge about gender. I also really appreciated the focus on non-binary identities. Dara, thank you for creating this wonderful resource - I believe it will be a great help to many!
June 13, 2021
This is for people at the very, VERY beginning of their gender journey, so a lot didn't apply to me, but otherwise, this is great. I think it would be fantastic for teenagers to work through (whether they think they might be trans or not.)
Read
March 14, 2018I gave this to my friend who is a licensed LGBTQ counselor. He said it’s a great tool for clients wanting to work through the process. He said he’ll be recommending it to some clients he is currently helping.
January 20, 2020
I have learned a lot. And I have come to realize a lot about myself. In this book that explores one gender identity, it even helped me as an (at the time of writing this 5 years into transition) already out trans male. This is a workbook and I have done the work to find about a deeper level of me. Something I am able to actually di not that I am in a better place in my life.
What makes this book important for those who are exploring their gender identity/ past gender experience, is that you put in the work needed for it. That the only way to get out what you want from the question of what is my gender identity.
The wording of the book is all inclusive and kind. There is no harshness or is there pressure to figure out all the big questions all at once. It is good to take breaks and work it as your pace to be. That's what I did and it turned me for the better. But it is not a cure-all. There can (and maybe will) be doubts about your gender as you work through and then post book reading. It is just important to follow up with, for example talking to your bodyguard, the exercises.
To point this is mainly for those who are just beginning their questioning experience but it can be for post-transition. I just took into account how I was in the past versus how I feel now. This allowed me to see the changes of past to present. If I was to stay female or transition to male.
What makes this book important for those who are exploring their gender identity/ past gender experience, is that you put in the work needed for it. That the only way to get out what you want from the question of what is my gender identity.
The wording of the book is all inclusive and kind. There is no harshness or is there pressure to figure out all the big questions all at once. It is good to take breaks and work it as your pace to be. That's what I did and it turned me for the better. But it is not a cure-all. There can (and maybe will) be doubts about your gender as you work through and then post book reading. It is just important to follow up with, for example talking to your bodyguard, the exercises.
To point this is mainly for those who are just beginning their questioning experience but it can be for post-transition. I just took into account how I was in the past versus how I feel now. This allowed me to see the changes of past to present. If I was to stay female or transition to male.
December 20, 2023
Overall a nice workbook, just a few things:
When selecting your nurturing persona, one of the first examples thrown in is the lioness and while it might be random and without further associations, it just feels very stereotypical to thrown in a specifically female animal as stand-in for nurturing and thus validates the cishet normative of a mother and caretaker being a certain gender.
There's outdated and even offensive language used like transman or transwoman. Recent discourse regards them as disapproving and the correct term should be trans man/woman. Trans is an adjective and everyone is still a full man/woman regardless of that adjective.
Otherwise, fairly solid although I didn't find it too helpful as the workbook requires deep introspection from early childhood to adolescence and for an older person, these days are just too far in the past to really recall much, if anything. I already identify as non-binary and as such was already sure of my gender and the associations so I didn't really need to work out too much anymore. I'd recommend this workbook more to people who are new to exploring their gender identity and could need some help with finding pointers for their start.
When selecting your nurturing persona, one of the first examples thrown in is the lioness and while it might be random and without further associations, it just feels very stereotypical to thrown in a specifically female animal as stand-in for nurturing and thus validates the cishet normative of a mother and caretaker being a certain gender.
There's outdated and even offensive language used like transman or transwoman. Recent discourse regards them as disapproving and the correct term should be trans man/woman. Trans is an adjective and everyone is still a full man/woman regardless of that adjective.
Otherwise, fairly solid although I didn't find it too helpful as the workbook requires deep introspection from early childhood to adolescence and for an older person, these days are just too far in the past to really recall much, if anything. I already identify as non-binary and as such was already sure of my gender and the associations so I didn't really need to work out too much anymore. I'd recommend this workbook more to people who are new to exploring their gender identity and could need some help with finding pointers for their start.
August 10, 2022
This was a thorough and generally well-done workbook that I found helpful in my own gender journey.
Hoffman-Fox goes through just about every aspect of gender identity it's important to think through, from your childhood experiences and feelings, to your fears and doubts as you approach/begin to transition, to how to find support and actively explore your gender identity.
I have two minor complaints: 1) the book is quite jam-packed with exercizes. Hoffman-Fox does instruct the reader to take all the time they need as they go through it, which I did (it took me nearly 2 months to work through it) but there is a loooot there. Some things I did skip because they felt less necessary to me (like planning self-care activities - I'm already well-versed in this and have daily activities I do.
2) at times this felt like it was really written primarily for a youth audience, which maybe is good, because that may be its primary audience. However, the hero's journey metaphor threaded through using superhero & videogame analogies wasn't quite my thing. That said, the idea of the "bodyguard" did resonate for me as a way to understand my doubts and fears for living authentically, so sometimes you just need to suspend your eyeroll on some self-help book stuff and just go with it.
Hoffman-Fox goes through just about every aspect of gender identity it's important to think through, from your childhood experiences and feelings, to your fears and doubts as you approach/begin to transition, to how to find support and actively explore your gender identity.
I have two minor complaints: 1) the book is quite jam-packed with exercizes. Hoffman-Fox does instruct the reader to take all the time they need as they go through it, which I did (it took me nearly 2 months to work through it) but there is a loooot there. Some things I did skip because they felt less necessary to me (like planning self-care activities - I'm already well-versed in this and have daily activities I do.
2) at times this felt like it was really written primarily for a youth audience, which maybe is good, because that may be its primary audience. However, the hero's journey metaphor threaded through using superhero & videogame analogies wasn't quite my thing. That said, the idea of the "bodyguard" did resonate for me as a way to understand my doubts and fears for living authentically, so sometimes you just need to suspend your eyeroll on some self-help book stuff and just go with it.
November 27, 2019
There are few times when one is alone as when one is attempting to discover the truth of their own identity, friends and counselors can help but a lot of the work has to done with the confines on one’s head and it can be easy to get lost in their somedays. Which is why I was happy to hear about Dara Hoffman-fox’s book You and your gender identity a guide to self-discovery. The book is work book with a well detailed plan to allow you from going from questioning your who you really are to being able to make concrete statements about how you wish the world to see you. The book covers, preparation, reflection and exploration with real world advice guiding This includes dealing with current fears, your childhood, exploring your gender role thru through imagination and reality. This book provide a skeleton that you put the meat on the bones by answering thought provoking questions. I know it help me to see some things and will probably do the same for you.
April 26, 2019
If you're questioning your gender identity, or wanting to confirm how you feel, or wanting to help someone else in their journey - this is the single best book I have read so far.
This book is written more like a workbook. There are a lot of questions, explorations, and thoughts and reflections to complete. They are very well written and easy to complete.
This book answers so many questions for the reader. And it explains how to find answers to those burning questions.
Be sure to follow along with the author
on her website, facebook page, and YouTube channel. They are all equally informative and helpful.
I highly recommend this book and transgender author and expert.
This book is written more like a workbook. There are a lot of questions, explorations, and thoughts and reflections to complete. They are very well written and easy to complete.
This book answers so many questions for the reader. And it explains how to find answers to those burning questions.
Be sure to follow along with the author
on her website, facebook page, and YouTube channel. They are all equally informative and helpful.
I highly recommend this book and transgender author and expert.
April 18, 2021
So, this book was definitely helpful and eye-opening to me in several ways. My therapist was the first to suggest it to me, and I'm glad she did. There is so much wonderful advice throughout these pages that anyone reading it, so long as they go through the exercises, will find it useful.
If you are questioning your gender, whether it be from the stance of a binary trans male / female, or someone within the non-binary spectrum, you're going to receive a lot of nifty insight, great ideas, and cool tips to help you sort out what your thoughts are. If you're thinking about getting this book, absolutely do.
If you are questioning your gender, whether it be from the stance of a binary trans male / female, or someone within the non-binary spectrum, you're going to receive a lot of nifty insight, great ideas, and cool tips to help you sort out what your thoughts are. If you're thinking about getting this book, absolutely do.
November 29, 2018
This is not a book you read, this is a book you experience. The text invites you into a conversation with yourself about how your remember, consider, and perceive gender, and what that means for you. There is no judgement, rules, or gatekeeping. It is open and vast with possibilities. No matter your place in your own journey of gender understanding, you are likely to get something valuable out of this book. If you are just starting your investigations, then definitely get this. Well written, positive, and supportive.
April 26, 2019
Excellent
A thorough guide and workbook for those who want to clarify their feelings and consequent actions regarding their birth and internalised gender. It’s a worthy journey for everyone to take, not only those who are uncomfortable in the current binary paradigm.
Dara writes with enormous sensitivity, insight and compassion. The question and answer format invites the reader on a deep enquiry into the multifaceted relationship we all have with gender.
I recommend this book wholeheartedly.
A thorough guide and workbook for those who want to clarify their feelings and consequent actions regarding their birth and internalised gender. It’s a worthy journey for everyone to take, not only those who are uncomfortable in the current binary paradigm.
Dara writes with enormous sensitivity, insight and compassion. The question and answer format invites the reader on a deep enquiry into the multifaceted relationship we all have with gender.
I recommend this book wholeheartedly.
February 21, 2021
Well... I bought this book hoping it would give me some answers and boy did it over perform.
It is very well written and provides a lot of useful information and tools to help explore yourself. I'm not overstating things to say it's changed my life.
I suspect you'll know already if this is the kind of book you want, so I just want to assure you that it is very good and it will help you find the answers you're looking for.
It is very well written and provides a lot of useful information and tools to help explore yourself. I'm not overstating things to say it's changed my life.
I suspect you'll know already if this is the kind of book you want, so I just want to assure you that it is very good and it will help you find the answers you're looking for.
March 22, 2021
I started this book about 8 or 9 months ago at the recommendation of my therapist. I was very scared, confused, and kind of just completely full of dread as far as the what to do with the revelation I had had about myself. I have finished it feeling a lot more secure in who I am, and a lot less afraid of what other people think about it. This is a great book for people at the very beginning of examining their gender identity.
January 31, 2024
No agenda, no directives, no life advice. Simply a series of thoughtful exercises to help you to learn about your own gender identity. It’s cautious and modest and all the more compelling for it. Also deeply compassionate. If you are the least bit curious about your gender, I can’t suggest this book strongly enough.
March 5, 2024
Great toolkit
Great toolkit for those starting out on their gender journey. I was already a little further along by the time I read it so I had done most of the excercises already on my own. I would have benefited more from starting this book at the very beginning of my gender exploration.
Great toolkit for those starting out on their gender journey. I was already a little further along by the time I read it so I had done most of the excercises already on my own. I would have benefited more from starting this book at the very beginning of my gender exploration.
March 9, 2021
Important and useful book designed to guide those questioning gender issues. It's filled with exercises and thought-provoking discussions about the many and varied aspects of this sometimes painful transition.
April 21, 2022
Incredible; I'll be spending a lot of time revisiting and working through this guidebook. There are so many places where the author hits my experiences right on the nose, and it is so heartwarming to learn how long people have been experiencing these concerns.
May 3, 2020
Excellent workbook resource, no matter where one is on their gender discovery journey.
Take your time, don't push yourself, and pay attention to the self care breaks.
Take your time, don't push yourself, and pay attention to the self care breaks.
December 22, 2020
Leaves définition of gender identity up to you
March 25, 2021
I think it is indeed helpful and written as a guide to follow, but more about general self-acceptance, not specifically gender identity or gender dysphoria. Well written, but not specific enough.
May 29, 2021
very helpful, good reread value
March 13, 2022
A great gender workbook for those who might find Kate Bornstein's Gender Workbook too radical or chatty
July 16, 2022
It was rather emotion-based, which is something I struggle with as a person with ASD. There were some parts that were really helpful though, especially the resources!
December 11, 2022
Very basic but useful
December 31, 2023
Excellent resource for anyone exploring/Questioning their Gender Identity. Can be also used as a starting point Journel, to journel thoughts and feelings about Gender.
August 28, 2021
This is a guide through the exploration of gender identity. It is part journal and part guide through
a life transformation.
The goal is to explore new connections and new meanings.
It is a gentle and compassionate growth. It is beautifully written and well organized. Recommended.
a life transformation.
The goal is to explore new connections and new meanings.
It is a gentle and compassionate growth. It is beautifully written and well organized. Recommended.
January 1, 2025
I've been "exploring my gender" since I've been about 3 years old, but honestly I would consider it more as just doing what I naturally wanted to do, gender norms being thrown out the window. I thought this book gave me some new tips on how to handle transitioning in a conservative environment, which can be kind of intimidating. I think one of my favorite parts from the book (as someone who went in identifying as nonbinary, but is medically transitioning anyway) is the section that has you assign gender norms to different behaviors, activities, and traits, then asks you if you would continue them if these were classified as gender neutral. I think the author was trying to imply moreso that activities, traits, and behaviors don't have innate gendered identities nor do they define your gender if you do/are them, but I had an epiphany that some of the behaviors I wouldn't be doing if they weren't feminine behaviors (assigned male at birth). As such, a passage designed to remove gender norms from different behaviors actually made me realize that I'm not non-binary and that I partake in certain behaviors because I want to fulfill what I define to be a female persona.
Even though I've been exploring since early childhood and through young adulthood, I think I still got quite a bit out of this book. I'd recommend it to anyone who is struggling against a normalized binary society, or is living in an area where people are actively protesting "gender ideology" (which I unfortunately do).
Even though I've been exploring since early childhood and through young adulthood, I think I still got quite a bit out of this book. I'd recommend it to anyone who is struggling against a normalized binary society, or is living in an area where people are actively protesting "gender ideology" (which I unfortunately do).
December 5, 2023
I was looking for something to recommend to clients who are wanting to explore gender, and this book is perfect!
Displaying 1 - 29 of 29 reviews