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Before I Had the Words: On Being a Transgender Young Adult
At the beginning of his physical transition from female to male, then-seventeen-year-old Skylar Kergil posted his first video on YouTube. In the months and years that followed, he recorded weekly update videos about the physical and emotional changes he experienced. Skylar's openness and positivity attracted thousands of viewers, who followed along as his voice deepened and his body changed shape. Through surgeries and recovery, highs and lows, from high school to college to the real world, Skylar welcomed others on his journey.
Before I Had the Words is the story of what came before the videos and what happened behind the scenes. From early childhood memories to the changes and confusion brought by adolescence, Skylar reflects on coming of age while struggling to understand his gender. As humorous as it is heartbreaking and as informative as it is entertaining, this memoir provides an intimate look at the experience of transitioning from one gender to another. Skylar opens up about the long path to gaining his family's acceptance and to accepting himself, sharing stories along the way about smaller challenges like choosing a new name and learning to shave without eyebrow mishaps.
Revealing entries from the author's personal journals as well as interviews with his mother, brother, and friends lend remarkable depth to Skylar's story. A groundbreaking chronicle of change, loss, discovery, pain, and relief, Before I Had the Words brings new meaning to the phrase "formative years."
Before I Had the Words is the story of what came before the videos and what happened behind the scenes. From early childhood memories to the changes and confusion brought by adolescence, Skylar reflects on coming of age while struggling to understand his gender. As humorous as it is heartbreaking and as informative as it is entertaining, this memoir provides an intimate look at the experience of transitioning from one gender to another. Skylar opens up about the long path to gaining his family's acceptance and to accepting himself, sharing stories along the way about smaller challenges like choosing a new name and learning to shave without eyebrow mishaps.
Revealing entries from the author's personal journals as well as interviews with his mother, brother, and friends lend remarkable depth to Skylar's story. A groundbreaking chronicle of change, loss, discovery, pain, and relief, Before I Had the Words brings new meaning to the phrase "formative years."
257 pages, Hardcover
First published September 5, 2017
95 people are currently reading
2150 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 78 reviews
December 24, 2017
If I didn't already know about a dozen transgender people, I'd have probably rated this higher, but I'm so used to it that it seems pretty unremarkable. It's really all anyone could want, for the memoir of a trans man to be something so ordinary that everyone reacts to it without batting much of an eye. I hope to see a day in my lifetime where trans people are so universally accepted that someone reads this and wonders why it even needed to be published, because this could really just be any random hipster's journal, honestly.
July 19, 2020
3 stars
I think society has progressed past the need for white queers who idolize the Obama administration. I mean, obviously this memoir had a lot to offer outside of that and I really appreciate the author for his transparency and his willingness to put so much detail about his personal life out into the world. But in the end I just could not get past the way this author constantly idolizes the Obama administration and puts the president and the VP on a pedestal for legalizing gay marriage as if that's where the fighting for gay rights is supposed to end. Even when so many trans people still have to live without (consistent) access to food and/or shelter.
This memoir is written from a very privileged point of view and I think it definitely shows in many of the chapters or in simple throwaway comments throughout the novel that just... rubbed me the wrong way.
And while I think a lot of people can find something meaningful or something they relate to in this one, I'm not sure if this is one that I would recommend to every single person I come across because there are a lot of things about this book that made me vaguely uncomfortable.
All of that said, please do take my opinion with a grain of salt because I have no idea how to review memoirs or whether or not I did a good job reviewing this one.
I think society has progressed past the need for white queers who idolize the Obama administration. I mean, obviously this memoir had a lot to offer outside of that and I really appreciate the author for his transparency and his willingness to put so much detail about his personal life out into the world. But in the end I just could not get past the way this author constantly idolizes the Obama administration and puts the president and the VP on a pedestal for legalizing gay marriage as if that's where the fighting for gay rights is supposed to end. Even when so many trans people still have to live without (consistent) access to food and/or shelter.
This memoir is written from a very privileged point of view and I think it definitely shows in many of the chapters or in simple throwaway comments throughout the novel that just... rubbed me the wrong way.
And while I think a lot of people can find something meaningful or something they relate to in this one, I'm not sure if this is one that I would recommend to every single person I come across because there are a lot of things about this book that made me vaguely uncomfortable.
All of that said, please do take my opinion with a grain of salt because I have no idea how to review memoirs or whether or not I did a good job reviewing this one.
April 15, 2018
4/5stars
This was great! I was a huge fan of Skylar Kergil's YouTube videos back when I was in Middle School so when I found out he had a memoir I got VERY EXCITED. This was a great look into his life growing up and transitioning to male. I felt like I knew a lot of what was in this book between his YouTube videos as well as he's been in several news stories because he lived fairly close to my hometown - so our local stations did stories on him a lot. But, I really enjoyed reading his words on paper - he truly is talented at writing, both songs/poems and stories like he did for this! It's honestly very educational for anyone who doesn't understand what being transgender is, but also a really great memoir for anyone looking for a good one!
This was great! I was a huge fan of Skylar Kergil's YouTube videos back when I was in Middle School so when I found out he had a memoir I got VERY EXCITED. This was a great look into his life growing up and transitioning to male. I felt like I knew a lot of what was in this book between his YouTube videos as well as he's been in several news stories because he lived fairly close to my hometown - so our local stations did stories on him a lot. But, I really enjoyed reading his words on paper - he truly is talented at writing, both songs/poems and stories like he did for this! It's honestly very educational for anyone who doesn't understand what being transgender is, but also a really great memoir for anyone looking for a good one!
April 5, 2018
I thought that overall the content if the book was interesting and because I am a Trans man as well, I saw a great many similarities between Skylar's story and my own. The reason that I rated the book so poorly is because I thought that the writing itself was weak and many times I found that I felt like I was reading a paper for a high school class. That's not to say that I think his story is diminished in any way by this, but in my opinion his prose is not very good which made reading the book more of a chore than it should have been.
August 8, 2024
Also an sich schön aber das buch ist halt 7 Jahre alt und finde bei so einem Thema machen 7 Jahre einen großen unterschied. Nichts desto trotz ist es immer schön über die Lebens welten von Transmenschen zu erfahren:))
„I may not find love, but maybe, just maybe, I will find love for myself”😭😭
„I may not find love, but maybe, just maybe, I will find love for myself”😭😭
Read
June 26, 2020Review by: Nathan Whitman & Sean Williams
Spoiler-Free Plot Premise/Overview:
Skylar Kergil’s Before I Had the Words: On Being a Transgender Young Adult (2017) tells the true story of Kergil’s transition from female to male in the form of a multi-modal memoir that uses a non-linear structure. Original song lyrics, interviews, reflections, and prose weave their way together to tell his story, which serves not only as an inspiration to trans youth who are just beginning to understand themselves but also as an entry point to any who wish to understand a trans experience.
General Impressions:
This book is honest and raw. All emotions and tears aside -- and it will make you cry -- it is a great introduction or window to common trans experiences. At the beginning of the book, Kergil explains that he feels like a boy and doesn’t realize why he feels so different until he meets others like him. He follows his brother around like a shadow, spends an entire summer insisting that people call him Mike instead of Katherine (his dead name), and spends a lot of time soul searching before coming up with the perfect fit: Skylar. We love that this book shows that trans people do not choose to be trans, which is critical for people from uninformed backgrounds to understand. This book explains the nuances of someone who does not feel comfortable in their skin and what is like to feel the need for belonging.
Kergil’s book will help many realize a lot of their own privileges taken for granted through his documented struggles for acceptance: using the bathroom, bullying, being misgendered, health insurance hell, depression -- these are just some of his many obstacles. The text is also greatly accessible. One of the most useful aspects about the book is its non-linear structure; it can be read from beginning to end or like a guide book. For example, if you are a member of the LGBTQ+ (lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer/questioning) community and are struggling with acceptance in religion, there’s a chapter for that (“Unitarian Universalism”). If you’re struggling with bullying, there’s a chapter for that (“When People Aren’t Kind”). If you’re trans and want to understand top surgery or various medical hurdles, there are sections for that (“Transitioning Seems Expensive,” “Gender Therapy,” “Top Surgery,” “Scars,” “Period,” “A Primary Care Physician, an Ultrasound Technician, and a Surgical Assistant,” “Bellybutton,” “Will I Die?”). Another thing that the book does, via footnotes, is explain unfamiliar terms about the LGBTQ+ community that readers new to LGBTQ experiences may not already understand: gender dysphoria, LGBTQ+, top surgery, endocrinologist, puberty blockers -- to name a few. Structurally, Kergil’s text walks a reader from childhood to adulthood. It’s important to remember that this is one person’s story and not the experience of all trans people. If you’re trying to teach kids, staff members, or yourself about the trans experience, this is a very traditional / binary experience of a person transitioning from female to male; whereas, if you’re wanting to explain gender gradation and aspects of non-binary or gender fluid people, this book would not do well for that. Nevertheless, this book would be wonderful to support trans students who may not have support from parents. Give it to your school counselors; put it in your classroom libraries; smuggle it into your library stacks! It shows the process of growth in not only Skylar himself but others who are close to him through his transition: his parents’ divorce, his mother’s cancer, his brother’s alcoholism and substance abuse. One of the most hopeful, important, and heartwarming moments in the text is when Sylar mentions receiving a phone call late at night in which his brother outwardly acknowledges his authentic identity for the first time to a stranger after initial rejection for years. It resonates because that’s what this book is about: hope.
While we wouldn’t recommend a whole-class reading for elementary schoolers, we think that just about anyone in middle or high school could and should read it. This text is a must-read for all educators, parents, and anyone else who works with youth.
Recommended Classroom / Teacher Use:
1. If teaching the whole book (or majority of the book), you may want to have a permission slip since it does discuss gender and sexuality. There is a chapter in the college years section that discusses sex toys (briefly, and more as a humorous anecdote than a how-to). This could, of course, be skipped -- depending on the age group reading the text.
2. Beginning chapters could be useful for elementary students and younger students. There is nothing objectionable, and they function well as individual, reflective short stories.
3. Other sections that deal with middle and high school experience could be used with older students.
4. Chapters are very short, and could be used for mini-lessons and discussions for depth of knowledge and building empathy.
5. As a non-fiction text, Before I Had the Words allows for discussion of “memoir” as a genre.
6. Lyric sections could be tied to poetry units to add a queer voice to otherwise often cisgender, white traditionalist poets.
7. For School Staff: This is a fast read that could be used for professional development, especially to help them understand what trans students experience and feel in their days at school.
8. For Board of Education & Community Members: The book is timely for discussing issues like Title IX and bathroom bills and the need for more accessibility for trans individuals.
9. For Parents: This book will help you through the process of understanding and accepting a child’s identity, that gender is a social construct with gray areas between the binary male and female.
Connection to Traditional / Canonical Texts:
It’s a universal text about the need to belong and finding one’s identity.
Books with similar themes:
● A Separate Peace (Knowles)
● A Wrinkle in Time (L’Engle)
● Brave New World (Huxley)
● Black Boy (Wright)
● Flowers for Algernon (Keyes)
● Twelfth Night (Shakespeare)
● As You Like It (Shakespeare)
● Poems by Walt Whitman
Other books that explore trans, non-binary, and other gender experiences:
● Every Day (Levithan)
● I Am Jazz (Jennings)
● Sissy: A Coming-of-Gender Story (Tobia)
● George (Gino)
● Luna (Peters)
● The Danish Girl (Ebershoff)
Spoiler-Free Plot Premise/Overview:
Skylar Kergil’s Before I Had the Words: On Being a Transgender Young Adult (2017) tells the true story of Kergil’s transition from female to male in the form of a multi-modal memoir that uses a non-linear structure. Original song lyrics, interviews, reflections, and prose weave their way together to tell his story, which serves not only as an inspiration to trans youth who are just beginning to understand themselves but also as an entry point to any who wish to understand a trans experience.
General Impressions:
This book is honest and raw. All emotions and tears aside -- and it will make you cry -- it is a great introduction or window to common trans experiences. At the beginning of the book, Kergil explains that he feels like a boy and doesn’t realize why he feels so different until he meets others like him. He follows his brother around like a shadow, spends an entire summer insisting that people call him Mike instead of Katherine (his dead name), and spends a lot of time soul searching before coming up with the perfect fit: Skylar. We love that this book shows that trans people do not choose to be trans, which is critical for people from uninformed backgrounds to understand. This book explains the nuances of someone who does not feel comfortable in their skin and what is like to feel the need for belonging.
Kergil’s book will help many realize a lot of their own privileges taken for granted through his documented struggles for acceptance: using the bathroom, bullying, being misgendered, health insurance hell, depression -- these are just some of his many obstacles. The text is also greatly accessible. One of the most useful aspects about the book is its non-linear structure; it can be read from beginning to end or like a guide book. For example, if you are a member of the LGBTQ+ (lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer/questioning) community and are struggling with acceptance in religion, there’s a chapter for that (“Unitarian Universalism”). If you’re struggling with bullying, there’s a chapter for that (“When People Aren’t Kind”). If you’re trans and want to understand top surgery or various medical hurdles, there are sections for that (“Transitioning Seems Expensive,” “Gender Therapy,” “Top Surgery,” “Scars,” “Period,” “A Primary Care Physician, an Ultrasound Technician, and a Surgical Assistant,” “Bellybutton,” “Will I Die?”). Another thing that the book does, via footnotes, is explain unfamiliar terms about the LGBTQ+ community that readers new to LGBTQ experiences may not already understand: gender dysphoria, LGBTQ+, top surgery, endocrinologist, puberty blockers -- to name a few. Structurally, Kergil’s text walks a reader from childhood to adulthood. It’s important to remember that this is one person’s story and not the experience of all trans people. If you’re trying to teach kids, staff members, or yourself about the trans experience, this is a very traditional / binary experience of a person transitioning from female to male; whereas, if you’re wanting to explain gender gradation and aspects of non-binary or gender fluid people, this book would not do well for that. Nevertheless, this book would be wonderful to support trans students who may not have support from parents. Give it to your school counselors; put it in your classroom libraries; smuggle it into your library stacks! It shows the process of growth in not only Skylar himself but others who are close to him through his transition: his parents’ divorce, his mother’s cancer, his brother’s alcoholism and substance abuse. One of the most hopeful, important, and heartwarming moments in the text is when Sylar mentions receiving a phone call late at night in which his brother outwardly acknowledges his authentic identity for the first time to a stranger after initial rejection for years. It resonates because that’s what this book is about: hope.
While we wouldn’t recommend a whole-class reading for elementary schoolers, we think that just about anyone in middle or high school could and should read it. This text is a must-read for all educators, parents, and anyone else who works with youth.
Recommended Classroom / Teacher Use:
1. If teaching the whole book (or majority of the book), you may want to have a permission slip since it does discuss gender and sexuality. There is a chapter in the college years section that discusses sex toys (briefly, and more as a humorous anecdote than a how-to). This could, of course, be skipped -- depending on the age group reading the text.
2. Beginning chapters could be useful for elementary students and younger students. There is nothing objectionable, and they function well as individual, reflective short stories.
3. Other sections that deal with middle and high school experience could be used with older students.
4. Chapters are very short, and could be used for mini-lessons and discussions for depth of knowledge and building empathy.
5. As a non-fiction text, Before I Had the Words allows for discussion of “memoir” as a genre.
6. Lyric sections could be tied to poetry units to add a queer voice to otherwise often cisgender, white traditionalist poets.
7. For School Staff: This is a fast read that could be used for professional development, especially to help them understand what trans students experience and feel in their days at school.
8. For Board of Education & Community Members: The book is timely for discussing issues like Title IX and bathroom bills and the need for more accessibility for trans individuals.
9. For Parents: This book will help you through the process of understanding and accepting a child’s identity, that gender is a social construct with gray areas between the binary male and female.
Connection to Traditional / Canonical Texts:
It’s a universal text about the need to belong and finding one’s identity.
Books with similar themes:
● A Separate Peace (Knowles)
● A Wrinkle in Time (L’Engle)
● Brave New World (Huxley)
● Black Boy (Wright)
● Flowers for Algernon (Keyes)
● Twelfth Night (Shakespeare)
● As You Like It (Shakespeare)
● Poems by Walt Whitman
Other books that explore trans, non-binary, and other gender experiences:
● Every Day (Levithan)
● I Am Jazz (Jennings)
● Sissy: A Coming-of-Gender Story (Tobia)
● George (Gino)
● Luna (Peters)
● The Danish Girl (Ebershoff)
February 16, 2018
I don’t read too many memoirs, so I have little to compare to in terms of gauging writing style. However, I don’t feel like Kergil was trying to write the most artistic memoir in existence. His writing is unpretentious, and I think serves more as a valuable story/teaching tool for questioning individuals and people close to them.
Kergil succeeds in providing a useful, riveting, and needed story for the trans-masculine community, continuing the lived advocacy he’s practiced for years. He touches all the bases, refuting anti-trans rhetoric simply by documenting his state of existence, a seemingly simple but powerful form of resistance in these tumultuous times.
As someone who is familiar with transgender people, their identity, and the vocabulary used in these communities, I was still able to find Kergil’s personal experiences and overall journey entertaining. I wish the best for his continued success.
Kergil succeeds in providing a useful, riveting, and needed story for the trans-masculine community, continuing the lived advocacy he’s practiced for years. He touches all the bases, refuting anti-trans rhetoric simply by documenting his state of existence, a seemingly simple but powerful form of resistance in these tumultuous times.
As someone who is familiar with transgender people, their identity, and the vocabulary used in these communities, I was still able to find Kergil’s personal experiences and overall journey entertaining. I wish the best for his continued success.
January 19, 2018
I enjoyed this book more than anything I've read recently. It's the story of a young transman named Skylar. He always felt that he was different as a child, but he didn't know the name for it. When he was 15, he met his first transperson and knew that he needed to transition. He started transitioning in his senior year of high school and has become a trans-advocate and Youtuber who speaks about trans issues. I learned a lot from this book and enjoyed the honesty in this memoir.
February 27, 2023
THIS BOOK. It felt like I was reading my own story as a trans man. So many of the things that Skylar talked about (dysphoria, his frustrations, passing as a man socially) and what it all feels like came so close to home. I loved this book and would recommend it to anyone who wants a closer look at what it's like to be a trans man in the modern day. He did transition a bit earlier than I did, but many trans people have the same experiences now. I could not put this book down. His humor was witty and relatable, and his tone was authentic. I highly recommend it to any trans teen looking for a *real* story and anyone who has a trans person in their life.
November 11, 2025
Una buena biografía, quizás con una estructura ligeramente caótica que dificulta al lector ubicarse en los diferentes momentos (o quizás es solo que se me da fatal recordar nombres y fechas).
September 3, 2020
It took me a while to finish this book I bought last year because I found one of Sky’s videos on YouTube and his transition completely captured my attention.
I’m a slow reader, but I sure enjoyed every single story and emotional moment written in this book. I could relate with what Sky felt, because I’m gay, and coming out was a big step for me.
Before coming out myself, I was judgmental about the LGBTQ+ community, and who wasn’t before coming out? I hated myself for feeling different and I didn’t want to deal with these thoughts, these feelings, and it was very hard because I was raised catholic. I incarcerated myself waiting for a miracle change to become straight, but of course it never happened. I then had the guts to accept who I truly am.
I can now say I’m very happy, and proud to live my true life, understand and accept myself and others, and more importantly educate myself on how to help others feel included.
I’m a slow reader, but I sure enjoyed every single story and emotional moment written in this book. I could relate with what Sky felt, because I’m gay, and coming out was a big step for me.
Before coming out myself, I was judgmental about the LGBTQ+ community, and who wasn’t before coming out? I hated myself for feeling different and I didn’t want to deal with these thoughts, these feelings, and it was very hard because I was raised catholic. I incarcerated myself waiting for a miracle change to become straight, but of course it never happened. I then had the guts to accept who I truly am.
I can now say I’m very happy, and proud to live my true life, understand and accept myself and others, and more importantly educate myself on how to help others feel included.
December 18, 2020
"I can't keep pretending this will go away or I'll wake up tomorrow with my mind changed. It's like I wake up every single morning and I'm a butterfly but everyone sees me as a caterpillar. So I spend all day being seen as a caterpillar and no matter how many times I explain that I'm a butterfly, they only see caterpillar. And sure, I see caterpillar with my eyes open in front of the mirror, but with my eyes closed, I know I am a butterfly."
This is a beautiful, heartfelt memoir that follows Skylar’s journey from the feeling like he was a boy and wanting to be one before he knew that gender dysphoria and being transgender existed, to his transitioning from female to male, the challenges he faced along the way and his advocacy for the trans community. It details the ups and downs of finding himself and his identity as well as figuring out life in general like every other person growing up. The book is largely chronological in order and each of the earlier chapters are a memory from a pivotal time in his life and some of the later chapters are more theme based.
With everything Skylar has been through, positivity radiates through this book and it is incredibly inspiring to hear his story and I have learnt more about the transgender community. This memoir is written in a very personal way and reads as if it were a journal. I really liked the inclusion of songs as well as interviews with family members – it was moving to hear their perspective and journey of growth and acceptance as well as their hope for a kinder and more accepting world. What was useful too is a list of LGBTQ+ terminology which provides an introduction for those who are unfamiliar with terms used by the community.
Would recommend to anyone wanting to educate themselves on gender identity and gain some insight into the experiences of transgender youth (as Skylar notes in his own book, this is the telling of his journey only and does not speak for or reflect the experiences of every transgender person; each have their own story).
This is a beautiful, heartfelt memoir that follows Skylar’s journey from the feeling like he was a boy and wanting to be one before he knew that gender dysphoria and being transgender existed, to his transitioning from female to male, the challenges he faced along the way and his advocacy for the trans community. It details the ups and downs of finding himself and his identity as well as figuring out life in general like every other person growing up. The book is largely chronological in order and each of the earlier chapters are a memory from a pivotal time in his life and some of the later chapters are more theme based.
With everything Skylar has been through, positivity radiates through this book and it is incredibly inspiring to hear his story and I have learnt more about the transgender community. This memoir is written in a very personal way and reads as if it were a journal. I really liked the inclusion of songs as well as interviews with family members – it was moving to hear their perspective and journey of growth and acceptance as well as their hope for a kinder and more accepting world. What was useful too is a list of LGBTQ+ terminology which provides an introduction for those who are unfamiliar with terms used by the community.
Would recommend to anyone wanting to educate themselves on gender identity and gain some insight into the experiences of transgender youth (as Skylar notes in his own book, this is the telling of his journey only and does not speak for or reflect the experiences of every transgender person; each have their own story).
January 31, 2020
For transgender youth this is an amazing book. My mother bought for me for my birthday since she knew I was having a rough time figuring out who I was, a transgender woman, it really relates to people like me, who their whole life have felt a void of something or feel like they're in the wrong place. It's nice to have someone to relate to and in a way this is that relation. I've never felt more connected to the author after this book understanding his transition and how it started and ended, for those of you interested in what being transgender is like and support or you are transgender mtf or ftm this book is the one to read. Thanks Skylar for this amazing book.
August 15, 2019
Skylar Kergil shares the fear, pain, and frustration people who are transgender go through before, during, and, sometimes after they finally begin living life as their true self. His strength and courage have been a great source of support to many other young people who are in the throes of discovering their true self. It has been an honor to have Skylar's YouTube videos play in our home for many years in the past and I hope his videos will continue to play in homes for years to come.
February 9, 2021
Sadly this book didn’t quite work for me. While the life experience of the author was certainly interesting and I loved the inclusion of poems/songs throughout, the lack of structure throughout the book, including jumping back and forth in time, and well as the narrative style and voice really kept me from being able to relate. It felt like there was a thick piece of glass between me and the author, especially maybe because I was entirely unfamiliar with his youtube presence.
June 21, 2019
This was a truly eye-opening story that delved deep into the transitional experience of transgender youth. What I especially loved about this was that it was raw and personal, but it was also accessible for people who know very little about transgender struggles or about the LGBTQ+ community at all. I think stories like this are so inspirational because they are so brave. Skylar never had to bear this inside perspective of his personal life to the world, but he chose to so that he could advocate for his community and be a resource for other young people going through the same things. It's really an important read and I think I'm much better for it.
July 5, 2023
This wasn’t necessarily bad… but i don’t think I was the target audience for this book. Maybe if I had known who he was it would have had a different impact on me, but I didn’t know this guy from Adam and I wasn’t particularly invested in his story. I think I was hoping for more about his reflections on masculinity and how he navigated the world, but it was more so focused on the timeline of his life. I don’t think it was necessarily a bad book, but I wasn’t who it was written for.
August 13, 2023
I love the way Skylar writes, it’s so inviting and easy to understand his experience through these stories. As someone who transitioned well into adulthood it gave me a different perspective and I think it’ll help me relate to younger trans folks in the future. I’m really impressed and proud of Skylar for writing this book and sharing it with all of us!
October 23, 2022
Great book! Will definitely recommend to students.
September 27, 2023
Great facts, insights, info and advice. A bit long and repetitive.
September 25, 2017
A great read that brings you into Sky's experience transitioning to the man he is today. His voice comes through clear and unfiltered. I would recommend this book to anyone, but especially teens or parents who aren't familiar with what it means to be transgender - Sky's shares his story with a friendly attitude and is always honest throughout.
April 12, 2020
4.5 stars
“But maybe because in many ways, American society favors men, they could understand why a girl would act like a boy. The idea of the opposite, however, likely seemed preposterous."
“All I wanted to ask was, “So … how can I go through that puberty instead of this one?”
“Slowly, over time, I let that community drift into the back of my mind as I figured out I was simply a boy who looked like a boy. Not a girl who looked like a boy. Not a girl pretending to be a boy online. Just … a boy.”
“As she began to chop away bits and pieces, I felt a quite literal weight being lifted. Within a half hour, I felt transformed in a way that I can’t articulate. The way that hair alludes to gender, the way that hair frames and changes a face, the way that others would comment on my hair—all of these things changed in an instant.
I looked different and I felt different. I felt more confident.”
“That would be the first of many misgenderings that began to help me define what was going on inside of me.”
“My head still swirling, I smiled at the awkwardness of this man’s daughter calling me a boy to the emergency responder and then the man clarifying that he could tell, once up close, that I was a girl. My short hair, baggy clothes, and accessories had clearly read “boy” to his young daughter. But because my backpack was a single shoulder bag, sometimes the strap fell right between the two mountains on my chest, highlighting them even underneath dark layers. Upon hearing my voice and seeing me up close, the father had quickly registered that I was female and, possibly thinking that I was offended at his daughter’s misgendering, had tried to remedy the pronoun situation.”
“I still hadn’t arranged any thoughts, my head was pounding. But that young girl yelling “BOY” into the phone brightened the whole situation. I didn’t know why at the time, but I knew something felt right amid all this chaos.”
“From everything I gathered at the courthouse, he may or may not have thought I was a gay male teenager walking by and targeted me as a hate crime. The thought of that sickened me but at the same time, if I passed as a gay male, the word male was in there, and I was beginning to question how I felt about that word being associated with me.”
“Calm, quiet, and peaceful again, I wandered through the forest and didn’t tell my dad about the ice cracking on the lake. I didn’t tell him about the rush of excitement, followed quickly by horror and fear. I didn’t tell him that I was afraid my girlfriend had potentially cheated on me while I was away. I didn’t tell him that I was beginning to realize I might be a boy. I didn’t tell him much at all, except that the nachos were delicious as usual.”
“Gender is a construct and I feel like I haven’t had a chance to construct my own”
“The freedom I wanted was not going to be free.”
“The other people attending were not happy to be there. They ranged from not having time in their school day schedules due to failing classes to being absent from day gym too many times. Me? I was just transgender, my own individual delinquent of the binary system.”
“Why couldn’t I use the bathroom in peace? Why couldn’t I enter a bathroom that corresponded with the sex my birth certificate without causing a disturbance? Why couldn’t I enter a bathroom that corresponded with my gender identity without worrying about my safety? Why weren’t there any options for those who drift in between, those who aren’t seen, those who don’t have a gender?”
“I realized then that I couldn’t tell them what had been so amazing without telling them I was transgender. I couldn’t tell them about the best day of my life without telling them I was transgender. I couldn’t share the details of my break without divulging my transgender status.”
“Yes. There are a few moments in my life when I didn’t think I would make it. But when I reach toward my guitar, toward my pen and paper, toward my YouTube channel, toward my empty canvas and paint, I know I can. When I reach out to my closest friends, to strangers on Tumblr, to my mom via text, I know it will be okay. There are some moments in my life when I didn’t think I would make it, but I did. And I do. And I will.”
“But maybe because in many ways, American society favors men, they could understand why a girl would act like a boy. The idea of the opposite, however, likely seemed preposterous."
“All I wanted to ask was, “So … how can I go through that puberty instead of this one?”
“Slowly, over time, I let that community drift into the back of my mind as I figured out I was simply a boy who looked like a boy. Not a girl who looked like a boy. Not a girl pretending to be a boy online. Just … a boy.”
“As she began to chop away bits and pieces, I felt a quite literal weight being lifted. Within a half hour, I felt transformed in a way that I can’t articulate. The way that hair alludes to gender, the way that hair frames and changes a face, the way that others would comment on my hair—all of these things changed in an instant.
I looked different and I felt different. I felt more confident.”
“That would be the first of many misgenderings that began to help me define what was going on inside of me.”
“My head still swirling, I smiled at the awkwardness of this man’s daughter calling me a boy to the emergency responder and then the man clarifying that he could tell, once up close, that I was a girl. My short hair, baggy clothes, and accessories had clearly read “boy” to his young daughter. But because my backpack was a single shoulder bag, sometimes the strap fell right between the two mountains on my chest, highlighting them even underneath dark layers. Upon hearing my voice and seeing me up close, the father had quickly registered that I was female and, possibly thinking that I was offended at his daughter’s misgendering, had tried to remedy the pronoun situation.”
“I still hadn’t arranged any thoughts, my head was pounding. But that young girl yelling “BOY” into the phone brightened the whole situation. I didn’t know why at the time, but I knew something felt right amid all this chaos.”
“From everything I gathered at the courthouse, he may or may not have thought I was a gay male teenager walking by and targeted me as a hate crime. The thought of that sickened me but at the same time, if I passed as a gay male, the word male was in there, and I was beginning to question how I felt about that word being associated with me.”
“Calm, quiet, and peaceful again, I wandered through the forest and didn’t tell my dad about the ice cracking on the lake. I didn’t tell him about the rush of excitement, followed quickly by horror and fear. I didn’t tell him that I was afraid my girlfriend had potentially cheated on me while I was away. I didn’t tell him that I was beginning to realize I might be a boy. I didn’t tell him much at all, except that the nachos were delicious as usual.”
“Gender is a construct and I feel like I haven’t had a chance to construct my own”
“The freedom I wanted was not going to be free.”
“The other people attending were not happy to be there. They ranged from not having time in their school day schedules due to failing classes to being absent from day gym too many times. Me? I was just transgender, my own individual delinquent of the binary system.”
“Why couldn’t I use the bathroom in peace? Why couldn’t I enter a bathroom that corresponded with the sex my birth certificate without causing a disturbance? Why couldn’t I enter a bathroom that corresponded with my gender identity without worrying about my safety? Why weren’t there any options for those who drift in between, those who aren’t seen, those who don’t have a gender?”
“I realized then that I couldn’t tell them what had been so amazing without telling them I was transgender. I couldn’t tell them about the best day of my life without telling them I was transgender. I couldn’t share the details of my break without divulging my transgender status.”
“Yes. There are a few moments in my life when I didn’t think I would make it. But when I reach toward my guitar, toward my pen and paper, toward my YouTube channel, toward my empty canvas and paint, I know I can. When I reach out to my closest friends, to strangers on Tumblr, to my mom via text, I know it will be okay. There are some moments in my life when I didn’t think I would make it, but I did. And I do. And I will.”
September 7, 2017
I finished this book in three days, despite having many other things to do. It is written in a colloquial, genuine tone that doesn't just speak to an impersonal audience, but to real people. It engaged my emotions and as I began to feel a personal connection to the story, I couldn't put it down. Kergil's childhood experiences were at times amusing, at times painful, but definitely extremely relatable. As a trans man, I was able to gain a new perspective on many similar or shared experiences between the author and myself. Highly recommended for trans youth and anyone curious or perhaps looking for advice. Kergil's insights are legitimate, especially those offered by his parents in the interview section of the book.
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November 26, 2022Gin (they/them)
This helps so much on understanding the feelings I'm going through now. I will be sending this to my family to help them understand too! Thank you for doing so much for the trans community and I am so excited to go through this crazy journey myself.
This helps so much on understanding the feelings I'm going through now. I will be sending this to my family to help them understand too! Thank you for doing so much for the trans community and I am so excited to go through this crazy journey myself.
May 21, 2018
I will live and I will exist. There is more than enough light for every one of us; we just need to share it.
–Re-Humanizing the Transmasculine Community, page 8/8I had never heard of Skylar Kergil or his vlogging or anything else he has done before picking up this book. I think I found his book through a book email recommendation list I subscribe to, and so I asked my home library to obtain a copy of the ebook version so I could read it despite the distance between me and my library (an ocean….). Sure enough, they bought it a couple weeks ago, and I was the first one to be able to read it.
And what a read it was. I found myself immersed so easily in Skylar’s story; he has a very comfortable tone to read, and the way he divided up the chapters made for many very short, snippet-like (yet complete) chapters. They were bite-sized pieces, easy to bite off, though rich in flavor and nuances. Each chapter had its own theme, and for the most part, he unfolded his story chronologically. It was only towards the very end of the book that the chronology became less defined/more bouncy. Plus, many of the later chapters consisted of themes/ideas/scenes that didn’t fit neatly into the rest of the timeline before, but needed a place to go so they ended up at the end (hence the 4 star rating).
Skylar has a way of making his story read very positive and uplifting, even though he had a hard time learning who he was, navigating the waters “before he had the words”, and the bumps he encountered along the way. Despite the difficulties he encountered, they served to accentuate that much more how much Skylar was able to do, to learn, to accomplish; the bumps made the positivity you feel from his story that much stronger.
I hope that more people open themselves up to his story, and the stories of many more members of the LGBTQ+ community, and realize that we are all human, and that indeed, there is “no right way or wrong way”, and that we should each have the freedom and support from the world community to find and embrace who we are and who we are meant to be, no matter what one’s orientation, sexuality, or skin tone/creed/religion. We are humanity. There is room for each and every one of us to be kind to each other and accept one another for who we are.
Favorite quotes:
Every transition is unique. There are choices we all make every day that shape who we become. There is no right way or wrong way. There are no requirements for being transgender. Some people are transgender; until you hear their stories, you may not know what that means to them.
I am still learning. – Speaking, page 6/6
“Gender is a social construct. […W]hen we are born, they designate our sex on our birth certificates. Like, mine says F. My mom’s says F. And my dad’s says M. But that’s just biology. When people showed up at the hospital with all this pink stuff, pink blanket, pink hat to wrap around my head—that was gender. That was when they gendered me: Because this child has XX chromosomes and we marked it as an F, we will call it she and her and she will be a beautiful baby princess girl!” – Dissection and the Construct of Gender, page 6/8
I may not find love, but maybe, just maybe, I will find love for myself. -- Questioning While Certain, page 5/5
“[…] That’s how you figure life out, you know? You gotta ask questions. So sure, go [to therapy] and make sure to ask the right questions.” – Coming Out, page 4/10
“Otherwise,” [Rachel] explained, “instead of society harming a transgender person, that individual may turn on themselves, no longer feeling capable of being seen. While some may think of this as a choice, it’s important to know that, like sexual orientation, it’s not. The most recent studies show that family acceptance has the largest impact on the health and well-being of a transgender child.” – 2008, page 9/14
Laws prohibit transgender people from using public accommodations that are gendered; the fear rhetoric around what a transgender person may be doing inside the bathroom (preying on children, something sinister, something else ridiculous) perpetuates this problem throughout the US. Transgender people all can be subjected to persecution for merely needing to pee.
What transgender people do inside bathrooms—check themselves out in the mirror, use the toilet, put on makeup, wash their hands—is no different from what cisgender people do inside bathrooms.
Someone who is planning on doing something illegal is going to do it regardless if the symbol on the door is wearing pants or is wearing a skirt or is gender neutral. –Bathroom Bouncer, page 6-7/7
Anonymity does a funny thing.
It makes us feel like we can say or do anything without consequences. Maybe we could say nice things instead. […what] we say and what we do matters, whether we’re online or face to face. – When People Aren’t Kind, page 6/7
[...] I wanted to know that it was what you needed to be you. – Conversation with Mom, page 5/13
The fact that you are transgender is sort of like having blue eyes to people once they know you. […] People like you for you. […] I wanted family to see you and talk to you as part of learning about your transition as you are you … both your past you and future you. -- Conversation with Mom, page 8/13
What do you hope for in this world?
Tolerance. If everyone accepted others for who they are and didn’t try to force them to change to be the same as they are, we would be much better. Unfortunately, it seems we are entering a period of great intolerance in the world. I believe in letting everyone live their lives, with the caveat that I don’t expect folks to be intolerant of me and my family. Don’t hurt me, I won’t hurt you. -- Conversation with mom, page 12-13/13
All I needed to know was that you were true and being true to yourself and that this was your honest feeling. […] The only life I can lead is my own. I can’t lead your life though. I can love you till the end of the world but I can’t lead your life, bottom line. -- Conversation with Dad, page 4/8
I’d like to see something from another planet land peacefully on Earth and wake people up to the fact that there is way more out there than we could ever imagine. And once that happens, I think it could sober up the countries on this planet to realize—we should get over our petty differences. We are just a marble in this thing. Let’s put it all in perspective—stop the bickering, stop the petty baloney, stop half the news you hear on a daily basis—something to bring people together to realize we need to help each other. -- Conversation with Dad, page 7-8/8
Typos:
December 5, 2020
As a person with similar experiences, I really liked this book. There are a few nitpicky things that I would change, which I will elaborate later, but overall this memoir excellently conveyed the author's experiences with his gender transition in a way that could easily serve to humanize trans people for cis (not transgender) readers, but is not specifically targeted to them, and includes experiences and occasional bits of advice that are clearly intended to help trans people who are not as far along in their journey. Kergil repeatedly clarified that there is no single "trans experience," and his story is only his own, which is important. He also celebrates his transgender identity, while not ignoring the negative aspects that he has dealt with, and acknowledging that he has not always been proud of his gender history. Regarding the things I would change, I was slightly lost by the nonlinear narrative at times. It was a stylistic choice, that just didn't quite work for me as well as I would have liked, but that is entirely a personal preference. On one occasion, I noted that cis male was written as "cismale," which may seem inconsequential, but is actually an important distinction to make because cis and trans (when describing gender) are adjectives, meaning they describe the following word, rather than prefixes, which modify the word. Removing the space linguistically indicates that trans men and cis men are not the same gender, which is untrue. The last, and definitely most important thing that I would change is adding a trigger warning for slurs and bullying/harassment. While I was only mildly uncomfortable reading it, I'm quite certain many people, particularly in its target demographic, would be more significantly affected, and it would have been very easy to add in the disclaimer section(or anywhere else, that just seemed like the perfect place to me.)
October 18, 2018
Skylar Kergil is a transgender male. His true story Before I Had The Words documents his transition from before he came out to the present day. It talks about his struggles and his successes growing up as a transgender individual in the early 2000s. As he started medically transitioning in high school, he began to document his physical changes on his YouTube channel. As time progressed and he went to college and beyond, he started getting recognized on a much bigger level. Not only was he getting recognized by fans in public settings, he was beginning to get recognized by much bigger things. As his fan base grew, he was receiving awards for being an LGBT activist. He was given an award from the Trevor Project, and the White House recognized him for his efforts.
As a memoir of a transgender male, this is a very telling book. Opening up and being this intimate about something so private takes a lot of courage. Kergil did an impeccable job of telling his story and captivating the readers. This book is full of drama, heartbreak, love, and personal growth. As this story progresses, the reader watches this sad young girl, shed their skin, and blossom into this strong young man.
Kergil opens up to the struggles of being a transgender man, but also sheds light onto the good things that happen too. To any young transgender person reading this novel, it could serve as a beacon of hope that it will get better. That’s what’s so important about memoirs like this. People can relate what their feeling to what Kergil is talking about, and maybe they won’t feel so alone.
As a memoir of a transgender male, this is a very telling book. Opening up and being this intimate about something so private takes a lot of courage. Kergil did an impeccable job of telling his story and captivating the readers. This book is full of drama, heartbreak, love, and personal growth. As this story progresses, the reader watches this sad young girl, shed their skin, and blossom into this strong young man.
Kergil opens up to the struggles of being a transgender man, but also sheds light onto the good things that happen too. To any young transgender person reading this novel, it could serve as a beacon of hope that it will get better. That’s what’s so important about memoirs like this. People can relate what their feeling to what Kergil is talking about, and maybe they won’t feel so alone.
July 26, 2023
🏳️⚧️ "I will love and I will exist. There is more than enough light for every one of us; we just need to share it... It never gets old to be seen as who you are."
I first heard of Skylar during those early YouTube days in the late 2000s. His world was one that I had no knowledge of or completely understood, but what drew me in was this kindness in his face that grew more joyful as each video shared a longer time being on testosterone. And then life got busy and YouTube became a low priority. Years later, someone I love deeply recommended this memoir to me as he told me it was a good jumping-off platform to bring light to his androgynous & trans world. I was taken aback because here was someone in my present reaching back into my past, pinpointing a particular piece that we shared that neither of us knew we did! Skylar's journey doesn't only involve his social and physical transition from female to male, it is also a tumultuous tale of self-discovery and shifting from loneliness to community. This book humanizes someone by using the words they have and the videos they have created. It gives perspective; and having experienced different types of people during my own journey through life, having perspective is a blessing all on its own. As you open up your heart to as many people's stories as possible (it's a big & patient process for sure), take Skylar's words with you:
"A casual reminder: we all experience things differently, and that's kind of beautiful."
I first heard of Skylar during those early YouTube days in the late 2000s. His world was one that I had no knowledge of or completely understood, but what drew me in was this kindness in his face that grew more joyful as each video shared a longer time being on testosterone. And then life got busy and YouTube became a low priority. Years later, someone I love deeply recommended this memoir to me as he told me it was a good jumping-off platform to bring light to his androgynous & trans world. I was taken aback because here was someone in my present reaching back into my past, pinpointing a particular piece that we shared that neither of us knew we did! Skylar's journey doesn't only involve his social and physical transition from female to male, it is also a tumultuous tale of self-discovery and shifting from loneliness to community. This book humanizes someone by using the words they have and the videos they have created. It gives perspective; and having experienced different types of people during my own journey through life, having perspective is a blessing all on its own. As you open up your heart to as many people's stories as possible (it's a big & patient process for sure), take Skylar's words with you:
"A casual reminder: we all experience things differently, and that's kind of beautiful."
January 19, 2019
An interesting, personal and readable account of one trans man's journey.
Skylar is very clear through that this is his journey and his alone. I think his point that trans folk are not a homogenous group is so relevant and important.
There is a tendency among cis folk to assume all trans experiences are the same, all lives similar and all sensibilities identical. What a ridiculous thing to think! No other group is assume to have identical members, not even identical twins!
I found Skylar's telling of his experiences to be open, honest and revealing. He talks about how he experienced and processed life both before and after transition. I felt particularly moved by his slow realization of what he was feeling, and of what it actually meant. It must be so scary and confusing to not have the words or concepts for how you are feeling, and not know you are not alone. Both Skylar and I hope that that is now different for trans kids, or at least some of them.
I also really loved the fact that he knows that just because he is okay with discussing some aspects of his life does not mean all trans folk are, or that even he, as a fellow trans person, has the right to ask questions. Cis people need to learn that respect.
Interesting book That taught me a thing or two. Amazing young man is this Skylar.
Skylar is very clear through that this is his journey and his alone. I think his point that trans folk are not a homogenous group is so relevant and important.
There is a tendency among cis folk to assume all trans experiences are the same, all lives similar and all sensibilities identical. What a ridiculous thing to think! No other group is assume to have identical members, not even identical twins!
I found Skylar's telling of his experiences to be open, honest and revealing. He talks about how he experienced and processed life both before and after transition. I felt particularly moved by his slow realization of what he was feeling, and of what it actually meant. It must be so scary and confusing to not have the words or concepts for how you are feeling, and not know you are not alone. Both Skylar and I hope that that is now different for trans kids, or at least some of them.
I also really loved the fact that he knows that just because he is okay with discussing some aspects of his life does not mean all trans folk are, or that even he, as a fellow trans person, has the right to ask questions. Cis people need to learn that respect.
Interesting book That taught me a thing or two. Amazing young man is this Skylar.
August 12, 2020
Not knowing about trans people I chose to find out. Very informative to follow someone from age 4 or 5 feeling like a boy and wanting to be called a boy's name. Skyler is very good at sharing his thoughts and feelings with us since he kept a diary of his experience from early childhood through college. He is an artist and musician. Even though most of his life is in the 21st century, where trans information is more available, he faces constant bullying and rudeness, even from his brother. Fortunately his mother and father are modern and not church goers so they are very understanding and on-board in support of him. I am particularly happy to find so many of the friends in his generation from H.S. and college are so accepting and have such a healthy attitude about sexuality and gender while there are, of course those who ridicule difference. He shares the transition in great detail as far as he has gone to this point, which is enough. I find that many trans people don't opt for the expensive genital alterations. Through his music and You tube site he becomes quite a celebrity in his world but it never goes to his head. He is a gentle soul with a huge amount of courage and compassion. I am an admirer.
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