Breaking Sad: What to Say After Loss, What Not to Say and When to Just Show Up

by Shelly Fisher, Jennifer Jones

When someone loses someone or something they love, there's no cookie-cutter, one-size fits all "fix" that will magically take their pain away. Each person grieves, heals, and processes trials and tribulations differently. In Breaking Sad, Shelly Fisher and Jennifer Jones explore everything from the loss of a loved one, the loss of a job, and the loss of health, delving into personal experiences from people on the other side of all of our good intentions to share some insight regarding the questions we're unable to ask: How do I help? Is it better to say nothing? Should I share what my experience was like? The pages of this book are lined with real stories and real feedback to those questions and more. Amongst our many differences lies a similar need for understanding, comfort, and support; Breaking Sad is the start of the conversation that will get us all to a place where we can offer these things to people when they need it most.

Genres: Nonfiction, Grief, Self Help, Death

280 pages, Paperback

Published November 14, 2017

Reviews

[Me · Rating 5 out of 5]

I won this book in exchange for an honest review. This book informs you of what to say, write, or not say, when someone has suffered loss. Chapters included are: New Loss, Sudden Loss, Loss at a Tender Age, and Persistent Loss, among others. Each type of loss is described by someone who has actually been there and that person then describes The Best Thing That Someone Did or Said, The Worst Thing That Someone Did or Said, and Advice For Someone Going Through a Similar Experience. This is a quick read, informative, emotional, and helpful book. Considering that it's inevitable that you will some day have to speak to a friend, loved one, co-worker, about their loss, this book is invaluable and one to keep handy. Since conditions such as cancer, depression, and anxiety are included, the book is even more beneficial to the average reader. A Five Star rating all the way!

[Vnunez-Ms_luv2read · Rating 5 out of 5]

Thank you to the authors and publisher for this wonderful book. We all at times find ourselves having to deal wih a death be it of a human or a pet, or someone related to this person. This book is a good testament on what to say and things to do as well as things not to say and do. I must admit, I am guilty of saying phrases that I read in this book to a grieving person ie: What happened? among a few others. I really liked how the book gave you a bit of background on the circumstances that led the person who was giving the Do' and Dont's as it pertained to their situation. All the advice was very good and I am sure I will remember them for a long time. Very quick read but powerful. Thanks to NetGalley, the authors and the publisher for the ARC of this book in return for my honest review.

[Suzy · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book came along at time when I got some terrible news about my best friend of 52 years, her husband was diagnosed with stage 4 stomach cancer. The chapter called “Loss With Time for a Goodbye” hit me hard, thinking about my dear friend and what a crap hand she and her husband got dealt. But the words written in that chapter gave me some guidance, sudden death or slowly dying is equally as painful, but that latter you have time to process and grieve your love one as they slowly move on to their next journey

[Erin · Rating 4 out of 5]

I appreciated the varieties of grief that were discussed in this, as well as hearing from folks who experienced that grief first hand. Often poignant, always informative and constructive, this is such a great book for those who are experiencing loss or who are trying to support others with their grieving.

[Angélique (Angel) · Rating 3 out of 5]

3.75 Stars. I don't feel reading this book gave me a better sense of what to say or do for grieving loved ones, but I do feel like it gave me a more solid understanding of how varied people's experiences of grief can be. Although marketed for people supporting others through grief, this book may be just as if not more useful for grieving people as the variety of experiences presented may help assure them that there is no one right way to grieve.

This book is notably flawed (the other kinds of loss section was especially weak compared to other sections) and could be made more useful for people with some minor tweaks (like adding content indexing or content warnings), but the vulnerability of the writers and the breadth of experiences discussed make this a worthwhile read all the same.

[Kara · Rating 2 out of 5]

Some good stuff in here but I skipped the second half of death narratives. Too much to take at a time. Similar to the chicken soup cancer book, it’s exhausting (and triggering) after a while to sit with so many real stories of loss.

On the advice part, though: really appreciated the ones on just being there for someone, sending messages even if they don’t reply, sending food/flowers etc even when (especially when) they don’t ask. The asking is too tall a task sometimes. And I miss the world where we can freely give hugs.

[Mia · Rating 3 out of 5]

I reviewed this title with hopes of being able to recommend it as a short course on what to say/not to say to folks who are grieving all kinds of losses. In Breaking Sad, a wide range of people describe what helped them most, what people said or did that hurt the most, etc., when they were bereaved.

The book works as a "Don't say this, say this instead" guide, but I am not sure those aspects are enhanced by the personal stories/poems about loss that begin each speaker's entry; these may be overly "artsy" for some readers and discourage them from reading all the entries they could learn from.

Recommended for anyone who has felt tongue-tied about another person's signficant loss, or for those who teach social skills, bereavement counseling, or any field that might touch on these.

[Gina · Rating 5 out of 5]

As a death educator, these types of books are invaluable in helping me understand and help people dealing with end of life stuff.

What I liked about this book was the consistent approach. A few simple questions asking people who had gone through a death to share their thoughts on how others reacted, what was helpful, what wasn’t at all helpful, and suggestions based on what they needed at the time.

I loved the variety of stories, and the compilation of findings at the back of the book was an ice way to encapsulate the lessons.

[Şafak ATAY · Rating 5 out of 5]

Ani Kayıp, Beklenen Kayıp, Karmaşık Kayıp gibi ve daha fazla kayıp türlerine göre insanların deneyimlerini paylaştığı bir derleme kitap. Birinin yaptığı en iyi ve en kötü şey, yas deneyiminde en çok ne işine yaradı ve öneriler kısmı her hikaye için yazılmış. Yas sürecini hiç yaşamayan biri için dahi tetikleyici olabilir. Yasın ne kadar biricik bir süreç olduğunu oldukça iyi anlıyorsunuz. Yapılması ve yapılmaması gerekenler listesi var ama yine de burada yazılanlar da her insan için geçerli olmayabilir. Türkiye'de böyle bir derleme kitabın yapılması gerektiğine inanıyorum.

[Charlene · Rating 3 out of 5]

The best part of this book is in descriptions of when to just show up. The quotes from those who are in mourning seem to indicate trying to express in language any sympathy toward the grieving is such a one to one experience that no overview or one mantra covers it.
Not a one size fits all experience, the reader is left to understand their own sensitivity and ability with words will be called upon because each mourner is different.
This is a topic we need to understand more.

[Anna Ganey · Rating 1 out of 5]

Got about half way through and DNF. I thought it would evidence based or at least authoritative, but was 100% anecdotal. Heartfelt, very depressing short stories of loss. Ended each story with what the teller thought friends and family did best and worst during their own personal grief story. Human beings are very different, as such very little of the "advice" was the same. Bottom line...know the person who is sad and their personal preferences.

[Jo · Rating 5 out of 5]

When you are at a loss as to what to say or to do, this book has good suggestions. And just as importantly, what not to say when people are suffering the loss of of a loved one. Empathetic and simple actions you can take even when you have no idea how to respond. A good book to read to understand the experiences of those who lost loved ones in various ways and how they were supported by friends.

[Tatum · Rating 4 out of 5]

Started crying from the first page and didn’t let up for most of the book. Found it super helpful in providing a bit more guidance on how to support a grieving loved one. Main take away- just show up.

[Angelika · Rating 4 out of 5]

short essays and personal experiences of gief. Spouses, children, parents, friends, IVF, pets, siblings, each with best thing someone said and worst thing s.o. said, advice for someone going through the same thing, and for those trying to help

[Kayla · Rating 4 out of 5]

‘Breaking Sad’ is a unique book on grief in that its structure is unlike anything I’ve read previously. The author’s compile individuals who are all experiencing different kinds of loss and has their personal insight written throughout the book.

[Peggy · Rating 5 out of 5]

Excellent book for those of us who know someone who has lost a loved one. First person accounts of what works as well as real results of surveys done. Extremely helpful!

[Heather · Rating 4 out of 5]

Quick essays and poems about loss from those that experienced it, followed by the same four questions about their experience. It was a pretty quick read.

[Molly · Rating 4 out of 5]

There are some beautiful essays in this book.

[Suzanne Cefola · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book really helped me to see into the source of that was experiencing sadness on many different levels. This is a book and like to own so that I can refer to it when I need to minister to someone who is dealing with loss of any kind.
To the Christian reader, there is a little bit of a language in the beginning of the book but it is very sparse.

[Briana · Rating 3 out of 5]

Straight forward, formulaic style written by many different people. A little repetitive, but helpful reminder that everyone grieves differently.

[Victoria Claire]

I picked up this book at the library on the "new" shelf because I wanted to read about how to help people in grief. I am currently living with my Grandma because my Grandpa passed away a few months ago, and I want to be as helpful as possible.

This book was difficult to read straight through. It's more like something you would pick up every once in a while as a refresher to face head on the reality of loss. I really value the perspective it provides. Because it is a collection of so many people's stories, you really feel that you are exposed to so many different ways that people deal with grief. It leaves me now with an openness, a sensitivity to what others are experiencing, not because it laid out a formula, but because it showed just how personal grieving is. It was a reminder to not assume you understand, but not to run away, and in the mean time mixed in some incredibly practical suggestions that can only be learned through experiences or others experiences.