You Can't Buy Love Like That: Growing Up Gay in the Sixties

by Carol E. Anderson

Carol Anderson grows up in a fundamentalist Christian home in the '60s, a time when being gay was in opposition to all social and religious mores and against the law in most states. Fearing the rejection of her parents, she hides the truth about her love orientation, creating emotional distance from them for years, as she desperately struggles to harness her powerful attractions to women while pursuing false efforts to be with men.
The watershed point in Carol's journey comes when she returns to graduate school and discovers the feminist movement, which emboldens her sense of personal power and the freedom to love whom she chooses. But this sense of self-possession comes too late for honesty with her father. His unexpected death before she can tell him the truth brings the full cost of Carol's secret crashing in--compelling her to come out to her mother before it is too late. Candid and poignant, You Can't Buy Love Like That reveals the complex invisible dynamics that arise for gay people who are forced to hide their true selves in order to survive--and celebrates the hard-won rewards of finding one's courageous heart and achieving self-acceptance and self-love.

Genres: Nonfiction, Memoir, LGBT, Queer, Lesbian

232 pages, Paperback

First published October 17, 2017

Reviews

[Cheryl · Rating 4 out of 5]

Author, Carol Anderson provides me a nice in depth look into what it was like growing up gay in the sixties. I can only imagine how hard it must have been for not only Carol and other women but men as well. It is not like today's society where people are more open and there is not much of a shock factor. In fact, if you turned on your television or even movies; you would find a greater percentage of gay characters. One of my favorite was on Glee played by Chris Colfer aka Kurt Hummel.

What I enjoyed the most about this book is that it was just Carol being open and honest. There was no politics or preference to accept the gay community. Although, I do have to say that reading about Carol's experiences trying to fit into society, I thought she handled it well. I am glad that she and her mother were able to connect after she shared her sexual orientation. For anyone needing that extra push or looking for a good read, you should check this book out.

[Debi Stout · Rating 3 out of 5]

I am a gay woman in this era, but I came out "B.E." - before Ellen - when it still had a horrible stigma. I lost custody of my son in a divorce and people deemed me crazy. I get it, I really do, but to share my struggle doesn't make me unique. It was great to read Ms. Anderson's story and I could definitely identify with her story.

Thank you so much!

[Kathy · Rating 4 out of 5]

Coming of age in the '60s was difficult enough without realizing that you are a lesbian in a fundamental Christian home. Fearing the rejection of her parents and societal reproach, Carol hides her feelings for another woman and becomes engaged to a man. Carol is close to her father and regrets not telling him her truth before he dies. Not only is this a story of love and denial, it is a history lesson and reflective look back. The stress and deceit of denying her relationships to those close to her carried a high price. Carol falls in love with a married woman in an open marriage and is honest about the emotional toll when that relationship ends. #magicofmemoir @BookSparks Reviewed at http://pennyformythoughts-nona.blogsp...

[Courtney Smith Atkins · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a wonderful memoir. It is full of growing up, growing wiser and making hard decisions. I enjoyed all the MI history and references.

This is a relevant read and leaves you feeling like you just got a warm hug from a friend.

[Mark-Tami Hotta · Rating 5 out of 5]

Carol is currently serving as my “life coach” and is truly amazing. She brings curiosity, insight, and an insane ability to synthesize. Her book, “You can’t buy love like that” provides a glimpse of the challenges she faced and fears she overcame, regardless of what biases others had. Her relentless pursuit of understanding and being who she genuinely is, is a true inspiration and makes her the wonderful, caring, and capable person she is today. A must-read for anyone.

[Samantha · Rating 3 out of 5]

I received a copy of this book through the Goodreads giveaway program. I enjoyed this book. I thought it was good, but I just wish there had been something more. More depth about the years she lived through, more emotions. I, for some reason, felt like something was missing. I'm just not quite sure what.

[Monical · Rating 3 out of 5]

Wow, a lot of familiar scenes in this memoir, especially with the Michigan locales. I wish Anderson had come full circle to the current day, though, as the book ends before she has really accepted herself and after several disastrous relationships.

[Reader Views · Rating 5 out of 5]

Reviewed by Paige Lovitt for Reader Views (10/17)

“You Can’t Buy Love Like That: Growing Up Gay in the Sixties” is a memoir by Carol E. Anderson. It is a captivating story of her struggle with self-acceptance and her journey toward empowerment and self-love.

Raised by Baptist parents in the sixties, Carol Anderson had a tough time accepting that she was gay. An innocent crush on a female friend left Carol sure that something was wrong with her. Fearing that she was damned, she tried to suppress these feelings by dating men. She even became engaged to a wonderful man, but found it difficult to develop feelings that went beyond affection for him. She slowly began to accept who she was when an attraction to a female college classmate went deeper than her attraction to this man.

Because of the times, these feelings left her ashamed and secretive because homosexuality was still taboo. Her secret left her unable to fully allow herself to be close to others, especially her parents, because she feared their judgment and ultimate rejection. As Carol evolves, she spends a lot of time focusing on continuing her education and forwarding her career. As other intimate relationships come into her life, she starts moving forward by finally starting to accept herself. Things are changing during this time as well, the feminist movement is gaining ground and people are becoming more accepting of alternative lifestyles. Not everyone is accepting, but Carol is able to develop relationships with people who are. In time, she becomes empowered and no longer has to hide her true nature.

I found myself totally engrossed as I read Carol’s story. I related much of what I learned from her experience to those of my friends who had difficulties emerging from their isolation because of the fear of rejection from others. It gave me a more rounded view of why they feared not being accepted. One friend waited until she was in her 50s to come out. Even then, her mother told her that she was damned. Things have changed a lot since the sixties and I believe that Carol played a positive role during that time, but society still has some moving forward to do.

I highly recommend “You Can’t Buy Love Like That: Growing Up Gay in the Sixties” by Carol E. Anderson to people who are struggling with accepting their sexuality, and for those who want to gain a greater understanding of what they are experiencing. Plus, it is a beautiful memoir, well written, and a great book to read!

[Sam · Rating 3 out of 5]

Disclaimer: I received an e-copy of this book on NetGalley in exchange for an honest review.

This is an open and honest memoir about growing up and living as a gay person in the '60s. Having been raised in a religious household in a church that told her that being gay was wrong and a society where there was no other option presented but to be in a heterosexual marriage, Carol struggles with the attraction she feels for women and the lack of attraction she feels for men.

Her journey is a long and hard one, hiding her feelings from friends, her family, her fiance, her employer, and co-workers. She experiences first love and heartbreak in college and after she starts teaching at a small school, she also finds the feminist movement that helps her grow bolder in her personal choices. 

Despite this, she still lives a Double Life, engaged to a man she doesn't love, even though he is the best man she's ever known and lying to her parents. When her father dies unexpectedly, she realizes that she would have loved to tell him. Now, she will never get to experience him supporting her. 

This book is a quite long memoir and we follow Carol from her teenage years to her late adult life. It was fascinating for me to see how in some aspects the feminist movement of that time emboldened women to go out and live their life to the fullest, even if they still had to fear societal rejection for that. 

I personally can't imagine how hard it would be to grow up in a society where you have no role models and your feelings are not even talked about in any way. I imagine it must be very hard to figure that out then and you can see Carol's struggles with that.

I think this was a very beautiful memoir, I enjoyed the writing style and it was a great read.

[Christine Cauley · Rating 5 out of 5]

Some books entertain you. A rare few change the way you understand love, courage, and the cost of silence. You Can’t Buy Love Like That is one of those rare few.

Carol E. Anderson’s story isn’t just about growing up gay in a time and place that refused to accept her, it’s about the aching human desire to be seen and loved for who we truly are. With prose that’s both tender and fearless, she pulls back the curtain on a life lived in hiding: the weight of secrecy, the ache of missed chances, and the quiet hope that never dies.

What moved me most was how deeply human this memoir feels. Anderson’s honesty doesn’t just invite empathy, it demands it. You walk beside her through shame and longing, heartbreak and awakening, and when she finally claims her right to love openly, you feel as though a part of you has been set free, too.

This book is more than a memoir; it’s a testament to resilience, self-acceptance, and the liberating power of truth. It reminds us that love, real love, isn’t something we earn, hide, or negotiate. It’s something we embrace, boldly and unapologetically.

Poignant, raw, and ultimately triumphant, You Can’t Buy Love Like That is a gift to anyone who’s ever felt different, unseen, or unworthy. And it’s a powerful reminder that the most courageous thing we can ever do is simply be ourselves.

[Mandy Spiczka · Rating 5 out of 5]

This memoir opens with a quotation from David Whyte that calls us to be more than we've ever imagined: "If you can see your life laid out before you, that's how you know it's not your life." Carol E. Anderson takes us on a personal journey of discovering this truth and inspires us to do the same with whatever limitations or circumstances we face. Her fears and her bravery, her struggles and her triumphs, her confusion and her confidence all spur us to move in the direction of our own deepest truths.

Beautiful accounts of profound and mundane moments bring the complexity of Anderson’s experience to light. Equally compelling are the care and thought she put into describing the family members, friends, and lovers who struggled with their own challenges and complexities as they shaped her journey. Anderson’s raw emotion, matter-of-fact observations, deep reflections, poignant prose, and wry humor intermix to create a captivating story of vulnerability and authenticity that is nearly impossible to put down and only becomes richer upon subsequent readings. I couldn’t recommend it more.

[Candace · Rating 3 out of 5]

I read this memoir because it was written by a lesbian woman only a few years older than I am. While I was born five years later in the more liberal northeast and was spared an evangelical upbringing, I still found lots of things that resonated. Women of our generation had to work so hard to become who we became. I suppose it's so for everyone, but for dykes in the 60s and 70s, it seemed especially challenging. We were sort of making it up as we went along; dreaming a new world and willing it into existence. The book ends with the death of Andersons mother. While that was an important milestone, I didn't feel as though it was the natural end of the story. Learning to love herself well enough to deeply love and commit to another would have felt like a more appropriate endpoint.

[Evelyn B · Rating 5 out of 5]

You Can’t Buy Love Like That is a memoir that doesn’t just tell a story, it breaks barriers of silence. Carol Anderson’s words are both vulnerable and fearless, guiding readers through the suffocating grip of fundamentalist expectations and the liberating discovery of self-acceptance. Her journey is not just about being gay in the 1960s; it’s about every human who has ever longed to be truly seen and loved for who they are. This book is more than a memoir, it’s a testimony to courage, resilience, and the unyielding power of authenticity.

[Julie Myers · Rating 5 out of 5]

You Can't Buy Love Like That: Growing Up Gay in the Sixties is a phenomenal read. Carol's openness and willingness to be vulnerable in sharing her story was gentle, yet powerful. Her story will touch hearts, especially for those of us who have felt that same struggle. It takes courage and strength to stand up for what is inside of you and Carol certainly did that exquisitely. I couldn't put the book down.

[Claudia · Rating 5 out of 5]

Love is Love

This story is heartbreaking for the child, young woman, and finally woman, to bear. She is lovely, smart, has good parents, but she’s gay and that’s not okay. She leads double lives to keep jobs, she tries to change who she is to no avail. Finally, she tells her mom, and in time, is able to accept and be accepted and loved by those who matter.

[Elle · Rating 5 out of 5]

I have nothing but love for this book! Carol did such an amazing job describing the fears, anxieties, and stress of growing up gay in a Christian household. Definitely an encouraging read for anyone struggling and feeling like they can’t be their true selves in public, for whatever reason!

[Rainbowgardener · Rating 3 out of 5]

Maybe 3.5. Maybe there's less new to me here, because I am a lesbian and I was coming out just a little bit later, in the mid 70's. Her writing is very simple and straight forward and to me lacks depth. It doesn't seem to come alive very well. The emotion is mostly told not shown.

[Shane DM · Rating 4 out of 5]

I took a gamble on this book, and I'm glad I read it. The subtitle pretty much sums it up: "Growing up Gay in the Sixties" Carol takes us back to the beginning, when she feels the first stirrings of her attraction to females during a sleepover with an adolescent friend. She describes the comfort and thrill as that friend's arm wraps around her body in the middle of the night. She struggles with these feelings, thinking they are merely ephemeral; yet these feelings never go away -- they persist even when she is romantically involved with a few men.

Carol maintains tension throughout the book as she hides her sexuality from family, friends, and employers, in a time that frowned upon same-sex relations. The writing is top notch, restrained and never explicit. In a few instances, however, I struggled with a few convoluted sentences; my eyes had to return several times to understand (but maybe that's just me).

I devoured the book in two days, a notable achievement for me. Never did I set the book down in boredom. I kept turning the pages, until finally I came to the end; all I can say is wow! Just wow!

[Jeff · Rating 3 out of 5]

I'm neither female or gay but I also did grow up in the 60s. It was very interesting to read of her journey . She wrote a very tender and heartwarming memoir.

[Dorothy Emerson · Rating 5 out of 5]

Enjoyed this memoir. Helped me remember the times when it was not at all acceptable to be gay or lesbian, especially not in public. Perceptive writing.

[Grace Milly · Rating 5 out of 5]

Carol Anderson has written a memoir that feels both intensely personal and universally relatable. Honest, raw, and transformative, this is a book that stays with you long after the final page.

[SHARON E · Rating 5 out of 5]

Last year, while writing my own memoir of growing up in the 60s, I read Carol E Anderson's memoir. Wow! Our lives were so similar! However, Carol delved into the feminist movement while I submerged myself into the religious "right." Good move for her; bad move for me! Reading her excellently written memoir I had to wonder how my own life would have been different had I been able to make different decisions at the time. Thank you, Carol, for writing such a poignant account of your life and coming out journey. Your book still touches the lives of others.

[Bob Rich · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is perhaps the best autobiography I’ve ever read.
The very powerful start to the book immediately captured me. If you have the slightest ability to feel empathy from someone different from you, it will immediately get you to understand what it is like to live in a society of judgment and prejudice, for any reason. In Carol’s case, the reason was an automatic tendency to be feel romantic love for other women instead of for men, but she points out that skin color, nationality, religious beliefs are other examples of attracting irrational hate.
As she continues her story, she holds nothing back. Never does the account slip into the mundane, which is all too easy with a biography. It is full of emotion -- emotion she induces me as reader to feel with her.
Perhaps the strongest lesson of this entertaining yet philosophical book is the terrible damage hell and damnation evangelical “Christianity” can do. Carol contrasts the God of Love with such a debased version, which uses fear and guilt as forms of control.
Some people are simply born so that they are sexually attracted to their own sex. This is not a choice for them. As Carol’s story shows, many struggle for years, doing their best to fit into heterosexual relationships, but this is at best a pretense, at worst a form of self-torture.
If you want to understand how a homosexual person thinks and feels, read this book. And if you don’t want to understand that, the book should be obligatory reading for you.

[Elizabeth Taylor · Rating 5 out of 5]

I have savored every minute reading this book. Carol's gift for balancing the raw, pragmatic aspects of daily life [eating sandwiches with her mother at Big Boy restaurant], while enthralling the reader in the more subtle nuances of a young woman's drive and search for living out the greater, deeper parts of her inner self, was so inspiring. Regardless of whether the truth you aim to claim is your sexuality or any other facet of self, there are universal lessons to be learned from Carol. The way she recounts again and again how she learned to notice and follow her emotions, or her body, or her mind gave me clues for how to do so in my own life. The way she learned to hone in and listen to inner self in the most challenging of situations that changed her life's path, gave great validation and affirmation to follow those signals within myself. I LOVE LOVE this book and can see it being a text I will return to over the years in giving me courage to live my own truths.

[LilMouseWarrior · Rating 5 out of 5]

Carol Anderson's memoir of her journey to accepting her sexuality is thoughtful and poetic. She provides insight to human rights issues while talking about her own struggles as a young girl. The analysis of such issues can lead to segments that feel like sudden tangents, but they always lead back to the original point and can be quite eye-opening. As a young gay woman, reading about other women who went through an extremely difficult period where being out was not safe, acceptable, and dangerous to one's life and job is important and wonderful. Anderson's writing style has beautiful elements of poetry as she describes being with women intimately and intellectually, and an academic, thoughtful tone when she speaks to issues of same-sex families and working women. I thoroughly enjoyed getting to read such a raw, open book about another gay woman.

[jude · Rating 4 out of 5]

a really well-written and thoughtful memoir. also a powerful depiction of compulsory heterosexuality, and the fear and social expectation that can lead a lesbian into a heterosexual relationship. some aspects of the lesbian experience are universal amongst us, and i found myself relating to many feelings the author expressed--even now, decades later, in 2018.

also, i had never heard cris williamson's "sweet woman," but i looked it up on spotify after it was mentioned in one chapter, and it's such a good song~~

[Lynne Golodner · Rating 5 out of 5]

A riveting coming-of-age, coming-into-your-own, coming-out story with heart and soul. I couldn't put this down!