The Intentional Family: How To Build Family Ties In Our Modern World

by William J. Doherty

Drawing upon his successful practice and research, William Doherty shows us how to fight entropy at home and in our communities. He offers a practical guide that will help all families to keep open channels of communication, sustain regular involvement with others, and manage conflict. Real-life case studies combined with Doherty's personal experience of family life are used throughout the book to illustrate the best ways to approach daily routines as well as special events like holidays. By carefully cultivating the rituals of connection that bring us together - from family dinners to vacations, from volunteer work to attending religious services, from weekly drives with a teenager to monthly dinners alone with a spouse - every family can become what Doherty calls an Intentional Family.

Genres: Parenting, Nonfiction, Relationships, Self Help, Marriage, Family, Psychology

240 pages, Hardcover

First published May 1, 1997

Reviews

[Affad Shaikh · Rating 3 out of 5]

Useful. Especially for navigating the culture in the USA when you come from an immigrant culture. However, Doherty is not approaching the idea of intentional family as universal- for instance there is an entire chapter devoted to Christmas, even with the disclaimer that not everyone in America celebrates Christmas. There are also recognitions of other commercialized holidays that are raised, however, the idea is go with the flow rather than battle an upstream current. I disagree with that. If the idea is you want to be intentional about your family life, then the very reasons you celebrate something, and make it an intentional part of your family life through ritualization has to be grounded in intention as well.

For instance, I don't like celebrating birthdays largely because of the narcissistic components of the celebration- what merits the celebration when you have no control over life and death? For me, celebrating my parents ability to survive and raise me each year seems a better focus of my birthday than to focus on me. In this respect, that sort of what our family has done- we celebrate with a cake, get gifts, but they are usually for our mother, or jointly for our parents.

One interesting thing that I learned from reading this book was about the origins of Thanks Giving. Reading this actually helped me re-evaluate my own misgivings about the day, and the national myth that has become the dominate theme for why we celebrate this day of thanks. I for one, am not interested in giving thanks to the genocidal tendencies of a colonial-turned-imperial-enterprise that came to represent the first colonists, and especially the pilgrims. However, Doherty debunks this by stating that there were many fonts from which the idea of Thanks Giving sprung and ceased; but points out the final push that gave it meaningful traction stemmed from the Civil War, after the Gettysburg, Lincoln called upon the Nation to give thanks for the Union on the last Thursday of November. There was disagreement on which Thursday it would be until Congress passed a resolution proclaiming the fourth Thursday of every November for Thanks Giving, secularizing the event, and identifiying the crux of the day for North and South uniting again. For me this can be a radical act in asserting the tennets of abolition and the spreading of the Dream of Democratic values to all people in the United States, and I can totally get behind a day of Thanks Giving if this turns out to be the case.

But I think the salient argument of creating a ritualized process of connecting with family (relationships in our life) is incredibly useful. I find that it will take an intentional reflective process to take what I have learned from reading this book to apply it to my lived experiences and how I wish to create an intentional family experience in the future.

[Jacki · Rating 2 out of 5]

I really wanted more out of this book. Doherty starts out strong in the first chapter. The book has a good basis and good ideas. Unfortunately, it reads a little like it was written by a high-schooler trying to hit a minimum word count. I recommend reading the first chapter on why being an intentional family is important, and the last chapter on how to be an intentional family. Maybe read the chapter on couples. And skim the rest. Or not. Unless you have no idea how to throw a child's birthday party or what typical Valentine Day gifts are you will waste your time.

[Benjamin Rytting · Rating 3 out of 5]

A quick read from one of my classes. The book is over 20 years old but the principals taught generally are still true (just replace TV with Social Media). I think it is a nice book that everyone can gain from. There were some moments reading that had me smiling and thinking about my own future family.

[Lars Anderson · Rating 4 out of 5]

I enjoyed this book, but I do see why a lot of reviewers didn’t. I found it helpful as a new father to consider how to frame my thoughts and feelings around family rituals, and what my family’s goals would be around them, but on the other hand, this was a book that bordered on verbose or containing “fluff.” For example, there was a chapter about remarried families that I ended up skipping the latter half of, because that doesn’t apply to me. Overall I still would recommend this book, especially to new parents and new married couples navigating life with 2 sides of a family. I came away with many ideas of day to day, weekly, monthly, annual, and holiday rituals with my family, and that alone was worth the read.

[Jessica · Rating 2 out of 5]

I was excited to read this book and was hoping for some good insight but it ended up being pretty basic stuff, probably because being LDS the family is so centric to a meaningful life. Basically if you want your family life to be better you need to make spending time a priority. Eat dinner together. Create meaningful rituals (family vacations, dinners, special nights). Go to bed with your spouse. Make time to have meaningful conversations.

[Jamie Marquis · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was on the book list for one of my classes in college and we read snippets of it and I liked it enough then to hold onto it. As I’m getting married soon and creating a new family with my husband-to-be, we want to be very intentional about our rituals and routines. This book has so many great practical suggestions, many based in research, on how to add, change, and remove rituals from your family with intention.

It was written in the 1990s and is now a little outdated in terms of technology (TV is the big technology to beware of, but everything said can 1000% be applied to smart phones and the internet).

Overall I really enjoyed it and am excited to continue being intentional about my current and future rituals.

4.5/5

[Hadley Olsen · Rating 5 out of 5]

I loved this book for the discussions it prompted between me and my husband. Every family needs rituals and William J. Doherty brings up topics that prompt meaningful and necessary discussion for a couple and family. We have passed the day and age where we can "let a good family develop" parents have to be ever increasingly intentional and fight tooth and nail to build a family culture that won't fall into entropy.

[Alyssa W · Rating 2 out of 5]

Great premise, but it felt dragged out and long. You really only need to read about 50 pages of this to get the gist, and make the changes that you need. Also didn't age very well - the focus is on het, middle-class white families. My husband and I found ourselves scratching our heads at some of the mild sexism. Would be a great TED talk... not so good of a book.

[Sydney | sydneys.books · Rating 3 out of 5]

I never know how to rate nonfiction, and I strongly suspect my parents read this book when I was a child lol. It provides some great ways to improve family and spouse relationships, but it also does a feel a bit outdated. It's about 20 years old at this point. I read it for a class for school and am grateful for a rental system so I don't have to keep books like these around with me.

[Kelly · Rating 3 out of 5]

Good but I wanted more depth and process. Probably the most helpful chapter was the one at the end on blended and single parents families after death or divorce. If your family is already moderately intentional the content will seem pretty basic and intuitive.

[Karen · Rating 5 out of 5]

An absolutely wonderful book on parenting and growing a family intentionally for all types of families. Every parent should read this book, perhaps more than once as there is so much valuable information here that we can all benefit from.

[Gabrielle Rolvink · Rating 4 out of 5]

a simple book with good wisdom. we often don't think about the importance of setting clear, consistent traditions but families crave that type of reliability ( or at least I do haha). it was an inspiring book which prompted me and my husband writing down the traditions we want for our family.

[Drew · Rating 4 out of 5]

5 star thesis. Would prefer a book that just lists lots of family ritual ideas...

[Kelsey Fanelli]

Recommended in 7 principles to make marriage work

[Julie · Rating 3 out of 5]

It’s a quick read, but in some instances the author used a excess of examples to make a very obvious point.

[Jill · Rating 4 out of 5]

4.5

[Megan · Rating 4 out of 5]

Nothing really new, but definitely helped my motivation to act on the family rituals my husband and I have been wanting to do.

[Taylor Bradford · Rating 5 out of 5]

Fantastic! Even though this book is almost 30 years old, I feel it is still very useful today, maybe even more so. I will definitely be referencing and rereading it later in life.

[Vanessa · Rating 4 out of 5]

Doherty offers clear advice on improving and creating family rituals, or in other words, being intentional about family life in order to combat the forces of entropy. "A family, like a canoe, must be steered or paddled, or it won't take you where you want to go."

This book was required for a college course I wanted to take, but couldn't fit into my schedule, so when I was at the bookstore buying books for my other classes, I picked this one up. I first read it before I had children, and while it has good advice for all kinds of families and singles, it was definitely more meaningful on my second reading. Doherty's opinions creep in here and there (he seems to value religion as an exercise in "community ritual" and is satisfied with a "good fit" rather than choosing a church based on actual beliefs), but if you can forgive him for that, his advice is sound, based on social science research and his own observations as a family therapist.

[Carmen · Rating 5 out of 5]

I usually don't like this sort of "how-to" self-help book format. But I like this one. It is well-written and well done with good ideas and helpful illustrating stories. How to strengthen ritual in your family. Some things in this book have really stayed with me, like his discussion of how vacations are important for storing up a bank of shared memories--no matter if they are not the most wonderful and perfect time at the time. And also his addressing how rituals that were dear to parents change as children get to be teenagers, and how sad but real that is. He includes information about handling rituals in blended families and single parent families.

(re-reading this as part of a class I'm leading on families & spirituality, and enjoying it again)

[Adriane · Rating 4 out of 5]

I've been thinking about family traditions and rituals a lot lately as I try to decide what memories I want to make for my children. Life is short, especially my life with little kids in the house. I want to be more intentional about how we relate to one another, celebrate holidays and one another. This book helped me think through my hopes and intentions for my family and make some decisions about how to make it happen.

One of the best lines in the book is a quote from Anna Karenina, "All happy families resemble one another, every unhappy family is unhappy in its own fashion."

[Andrea · Rating 3 out of 5]

The title of this book should be The Intentional Family: The importance of rituals in building family ties. This book is all about family rituals. I found the section on couple rituals, and having a weekly date night quite interesting. I also liked the introduction. I didn't feel the need to read the entire book however, since it was many variations on the same theme--that of creating rituals unique to your family to create a sense of family identity and togetherness.

[Sarahanneme]

Just re-read this book, and enjoyed reading about how to create rhythms in ours and our children's lives, and honor our partners too. I think it's the kind of text that could help families as they are being formed, but honestly Simplicity Parenting seems actually to do this job better and more richly. This was just my first introduction to many of the rituals and routines that help us make sense of our lives, and gain satisfaction from them.

[Lindsay · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book is pretty much summed up in the title. The author illustrates the importance of being intentional when it comes to families...he outlines some key aspects of that...eating together, creating traditions, etc. He also gives ideas on how to improve on each of the areas. I enjoy studying families from an academic perspective so this book was right up my alley.

[Megan · Rating 4 out of 5]

I had skimmed through this book before when my husband was reading it for a class. It has seriously good basic information on setting up family rituals so that you can grow stronger and foster happy relationships. It's a quick read and it doesn't hit you over the head with it's message. I recommend it.

[Anne · Rating 4 out of 5]

Read this on the plane to Puerto Rico. Quick read, but I found some good ideas and it made me think about ways I want to spend time with my kids and simple traditions that might be useful glue as kids get older and our lives get faster and more complicated. Helped with thinking about priorities. I recommend it.

[Stephanie Friant · Rating 4 out of 5]

Great and basic ideas. Can see how creating rituals is helpful for relationships...we have them in the church already! Can't wait until our nice weather icecream shop and walk ritual starts in a month or so...

A list of more ideas at the end of the book would have been helpful to start thinking more about what would work for us. Discussions with a mom's group helped with this.

[Claudia · Rating 3 out of 5]

Written by a family therapist who gives practical advice for how to be an Intentional Family, as opposed to an Institutional or Psychological Family. Basically, the ages of "having to do it for the family" and "having to do it for the people in the family" have culminated in the current age of - if you want to be in a family with me, let's figure out some was to keep it strong.

[Kalee · Rating 5 out of 5]

The author talks about the many ways we can strengthen and unify our families through family rituals. There were simple as well as extravagant ways we can be intentional. That's what I loved most; we could apply some of the suggestions given, there is no need to try to be intentional about everything. We should try to be intentional about what we value most.

[Shelley · Rating 3 out of 5]

I think this book has some good ideas and is worth reading. I think I was just hoping for more. I wanted more statistics of how family traditions aided families. I wanted more ideas for creating family traditions. Like I said, I think it's worth reading, but I wasn't crazy about it.