Things You Should Already Know About Dating, You F*cking Idiot

by Ben Schwartz

A hilarious illustrated collection of tips for successfully navigating the dating world as a millennial.

For single millennials, this situation is all too You're on a date. It's going well! Then suddenly your date looks at you like you're a f*cking idiot and you never hear from that person again. Guess you're going to die alone, right? Maybe not!

Humble authors Ben Schwartz and Laura Moses have written a book to save the future of the human Things You Should Already Know About Dating, You F*cking Idiot , a collection of 100 dating tips -- complete with illustrations -- that teaches clueless guys and girls the dos and don'ts of dating. In their book, Ben and Laura cover all the basics, from "Why are you texting in just Emojis, dummy?!" to "Stop playing games, idiot!" and, of course, "PUT YOUR PHONE DOWN, A**HOLE!" Simply put, this book will make you laugh and finally give you a fighting chance at not dying alone.

Genres: Humor, Nonfiction, Self Help, Audiobook, Ebooks, Relationships, Comedy

160 pages, Paperback

First published October 17, 2017

About the author

Ben Schwartz (born September 15, 1981) is an American actor, comedian, and writer. He is perhaps best known for portraying Tom Haverford's friend Jean-Ralphio Saperstein on the sitcom Parks and Recreation.

In 2012, he joined Showtime's television comedy House of Lies as the ambitious, brash, and insecure management consultant Clyde Oberholt.

(source: wikipedia)

Reviews

[Emily · Rating 1 out of 5]

Honestly, I did not find this book very funny. It may make a reasonable "Dating Tip a Day" kind of calendar, but as a book it fell flat. It was not as funny as something I would expect from Ben Schwartz. If you want a funny dating advice book read Anziz Ansari's Modern Romance. It is super funny, has actual sociological data, and acknowledges that it is completely heteronormative, although only because there wasn't much historical data for any other type of dating.

Then again, I am also super single, so maybe I just wasn't getting the book. lol

[Emily · Rating 1 out of 5]

Even though I haven’t dated in 10 years, I got this book out of the library because I think Ben Schwartz is hilarious. Unfortunately, this book was solely geared to cisgender heteronormative dating with outdated stereotypes gender roles and the jokes fell really flat for me.

[Jennie · Rating 1 out of 5]

The only idiot here is me for finishing this book.

Pass.

[Brandy Wilkes · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book had me busting out laughing every freaking page! It's a great little reminder on how to really interact with people in person....like seriously, PUT THE F'ING PHONE DOWN!

Seriously, even if you aren't in the dating world, read this book and get a few reminders!

[Sabrina "Look At My Books" · Rating 3 out of 5]

Stupid but fun quick read.

[Becky · Rating 5 out of 5]

Hilarious! If anyone, relationship status doesn't matter, would get a kick out of it. FYI in case you had no idea, it does contain vulgar language.

[Jenna · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is funny, especially if you read in a Jean-Ralphio voice and you don't take yourself too seriously.

[Azhar · Rating 3 out of 5]

I'm set. Thanks, Ben!

[Sarah W. · Rating 3 out of 5]

A very funny, quick read!

[TLuvs · Rating 3 out of 5]

If you're looking for a cute little Humor book about the Do's and Dont's of the dating scene today, this is your book!
Address all stages from beginnings to marriage and moving in together, simple little reminders done cleverly with cartoon drawings and texted conversations.
Would make a great gag gift!

[Alex · Rating 5 out of 5]

I may not be the target audience for this book since my fiancé and I picked this up on a whim in a gift shop…so I didn’t actually use it to secure a spouse, but I feel like you could.
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️
•
This is a laugh-out-loud step-by-step walkthrough of the do’s and don’ts of dating. There are hilariously illustrated examples of each of the 100 steps from meeting someone to locking them down forever. It’s a great gift for that friend who is perpetually single and has a sense of humor about it, or a great coffee table book for anyone without kids. I dare say even folks going through a rough breakup will find it hilarious. It’s a great, hour-or-less read for anyone no matter what your relationship status, and I give it five out of 5 stars. ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️
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[Emily · Rating 5 out of 5]

I seriously appreciated how not seriously they took this and yet managed to get some solid advice in. Highly recommend. Light-hearted and you can hear Jean-Ralphio's voice throughout!

[Maddie · Rating 2 out of 5]

Honestly this book is kind of a cop out, but I'm behind on my Goodreads challenge. It took me about 30 minutes to read all of that way through and that included a small break to Google "What happens to a women's body when she takes a morning after pill" which was a chapter in this book.

I was expecting something like Aziz Ansari's "Modern Romance" and got "some stoned college kids' PowerPoint with their failed tweet ideas" and this was a whole novel that cost $15 at one point like!!!!! What!!!!

This might work great as a gag gift, but I have no idea what the occasion would be for it. Maybe a bachelorette party? Maybe a birthday present for that one friend who adores Ben Schwartz? I have no idea. The purpose of this book is lost on me and I'm offended that anyone would actually pay nearly $20 for it. (Disclosure: I got mine secondhand for like $3.)

[Eeva · Rating 1 out of 5]

Jesus christ, why did I even "read" that!?
I get it was supposed to be funny and entertaining, but OMG IT WASN'T. It was forced amd boring and it involved a lot of eye rolling and sighing on my part.

If you really need to be told to not be late for a date, not come drunk, be nice to the waiter or not ghost people then you really should rethink your life choices.

If you're looking for a fun and smart book on dating read Aziz Ansari's Modern Romance. It won't give you a major case of second-hand embarassment

[Emily Anderson · Rating 2 out of 5]

The title is probably the funniest thing about this book. Otherwise, this book feels like it was slapped together in about 20 minutes. Schwartz and Moses offer pretty standard advice about dating without the witty insight I would expect from two comedic writers. Instead, this book is full of half-baked jokes and stick figure drawings. At the very least, this book offers a sad glimpse into the current state of dating in an online world, especially when every chapter ends with the advice to "put down your phone". Overall, I was disappointed -- I paid $5 for this book and I still think I overpaid.

[Xenia · Rating 3 out of 5]

It had a few interesting bits but neither the layout nor the content is really outstanding to me.

[Ali · Rating 4 out of 5]

First reads winner...I enjoyed this book. It was laugh out loud funny but also had sound advice between the humor. Great quick read. I recommend it to anyone who’s single or dating, you f*cking idiots!

[Alexandria Rose · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was PURE COMEDIC GOLD! I'm in tears. From the tips themselves to the stick-people sketch's that follow, this book was as funny and whimsical as promised. I highly recommend checking it out. Schwartz & Moses nailed it!

[Rae Beeler · Rating 2 out of 5]

Read Harder Challenge 2018: A one-sitting book

[Matt Ely · Rating 3 out of 5]

Funny, but not necessarily something I'd need to read twice. I think the best approach might be to get a physical copy *and* listen to the audiobook simultaneously. I picked up the book because of Ben Schwartz, not because of the content specifically. So part of the appeal is to hear him deliver the lines with his own style, instead of just imagining it in your head. But it's a lot easier to follow with the book in hand, plus, it has illustrations.

If nothing else, I can relish the fact that I requested my local library buy this and they *actually did* and now it will live on as a confusing trap in the "Dating" section.

[Maddy · Rating 3 out of 5]

I saw this in the bookstore, flipped through it, and thought it was pretty funny. The title drew me in, especially since I feel like this is a part of my life where I need improvement (dating, that is). So I decided to pick this up and take it home with me.

I did get some decent laughs out of this. I know it's obviously not a hundred percent serious but most of it was decent advice although about half of it was just common sense stuff. Though the repetition about putting your phone down was annoying (though probably sadly necessary for some people). It would irritate the hell out of me if I went on a date and my date was more interested in their phone than in me. It's just plain rude and it should be a no-brainer to put the phone down. It's sad that had to be said five or six times in the book (seriously) but again for some people, this is probably necessary.

Oh, a good thing to note; this book is pretty heteronormative in that it assumes that a guy will date a girl or a girl will date a guy. I'm bi so this could still work for me but this advice may not work for everyone.

The humor in this isn't for everyone either, judging by some of the other reviews on Good Reads. I think it's more "stupid funny" since I tend to laugh at a lot of things. I'm fairly easily entertained so you might not find this funny at all. Honestly, I was reading this to take the pressure of finals off and for about an hour or so, it did.

I gave this book 3.5 stars. If you like humor, comics, and quick, light reads this book could be for you!

[Kevin Saunders · Rating 2 out of 5]

I read this book over the shoulder of a guy I was sitting next to on a bus.

It’s a cute book and almost none of the advice in it is terrible, even if it is all presented vary simply. There are cute little stick figures acting out each tip, and short dialogues between them exemplifying why each one is necessary. That being said most of it is pretty rudimentary. Half a star for not always making the guy in the relationship the idiot, but minus that star again for being so explicitly heterosexual about everything in the book. It’s all relevant advice no matter what, but the authors clearly assumed a straight audience.

Minus everything else for straight up ignoring the topic of consent. Consent is really important and lots of great writing has been done on how to get consent, make sure consent is consistent, affirmative and enthusiastic. But this book explicitly says “we don’t need to talk about consent because you already know what it is.” Which is pretty ridiculous considering that the target audience is supposed to be total idiots.

[Melissa · Rating 4 out of 5]

I found it a bit funny that as a single 31 year old woman i won this book for first reads. This book is not necessary a how to dating guide, but more of a humorous take on one. It's basically a book of common sense. That aside, I will always remember a previous boss telling me that if common sense was more common more people would have it (it was retail). I can see a point to this book with that in mind. I have been on many bad dates when i would have loved to have this book with me. I could open it open, point to a page, and be like "here read. It even has pictures for you". I'm sure there is many a man (who like I was more focused on grades and getting a good job in college than dating) who could probably do the same for a woman. I wouldn't buy this book if you're looking to truly get deep insightful dating advice. This book would be the perfect gag gift for a single friend though.

[Logan · Rating 3 out of 5]

I picked up this comic book at some bookstore for two reasons. First, if I’m still going to buy any physical books, they might as well be comic books. Second, it recommendation from Justin Timberlake on the cover which reads: “This book is so funny. Read it and you’ll 100% find love–if you’re into that kinda thing…happiness or whatever.” These authors must have great agents to get a JT quote. This is obviously not high-class literature (in case the title did not tip you off), but it is a decent parody of modern millennial dating.

[Suzettey · Rating 3 out of 5]

Listened to the audiobook. Accompanying PDF was formatted a little wonky on my phone but manageable.
Overall, it’s pretty funny, and I think there’s some actual beginner’s advice mixed in there. I am a fan of Ben Schwartz but I think I like his character work and improv ability, so this is a bit of a different thing. Some of the line delivery in the audiobook is very fun and probably adds to the experience, including the acknowledgments, about the authors, and information about the publisher lol.
Fun and simple read/listen. Very short.

[Kathy Heare Watts · Rating 5 out of 5]

TRUTH IS STRANGER THAN FICTION

OMG, I am so glad I have been married for so long and not in the dating scene. I have laughed until I nearly cried at the scenarios, girl and guy responses, and overall humor in this book.

I won a copy of this book during a Goodreads giveaway. I am under no obligation to leave a review or rating and do so voluntarily. I am paying it forward by passing this book along to a family member who I think will enjoy it too.

[Gina Zappa · Rating 5 out of 5]

"Here you are, a lonely dummy who doesn't want to be lonely anymore."

Okay I laughed so hard reading this book it was embarrassing. I was in public...at the library...where I work. Unfortunate. However it was worth looking like a maniac because this book was the best. I had no doubt that i would enjoy it and I'll tell you why...Ben Schwartz. He is a gem folks. Pick this book up now and laugh so hard you almost (or do) pee yourself. I won't judge.

[Jazz · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book has been on my physical shelf since it was released. Bought it cuz I really like Ben Schwartz and think he’s funny.

I finally read it and it’s funny. I chuckled a bunch. It has a whole lot of truths in there. Hopefully most people have the common sense to not need to read this but regardless of whether you need help with dating or not, it’s a fun and quick read with funny illustrations.

[Andy E. · Rating 3 out of 5]

I’ll admit, this book wasn’t the best book I’ve ever read, but I followed along with the audio book, which was narrated by Ben Schwartz and Laura Moses themselves, so it was pretty fun to listen to! (Also I really like Schwartz, so I might be a bit biased, haha)

The information in the book was pretty general, almost common sense, and I didn’t really learn anything I didn’t already 😅

Either way, it was a nice way to spend an hour if you looking to indulge in Schwartz content.

[Craig Williams · Rating 2 out of 5]

I bought this mostly based on the title and because I'm always open to self-help guides when it comes to stuff like dating, but I was mostly disappointed to find that it's basically a fairly vacuous humor book full of stick figure drawings and, yes, advice about dating that one should already know (so I must admit the title is at least accurate). It's the kind of book one might thumb through while on the toilet and probably a book you could read the entirety of in one s(h)itting.