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Emotional Success: The Power of Gratitude, Compassion, and Pride
A pioneering psychologist reveals how three emotions can provide the surest, quickest route to success in any realm.
A string of bestsellers have alerted us to the importance of grit – an ability to persevere and control one’s impulses that is so closely associated with greatness. But no book yet has charted the most accessible and powerful path to our prosocial emotions. These feelings – gratitude, compassion and pride – are easier to generate than the willpower and self-denial that underpin traditional approaches to grit. And, while willpower is quickly depleted, prosocial emotions actually become stronger the more we use them. These emotions have another crucial they’re contagious. Those around us become more likely to apply them when we do.
As this myth-shattering book explains, prosocial emotions evolved specifically to help us resist immediate temptations in favor of long-term gains. Originally, they enabled us to build lasting relationships with other people, and they still do that brilliantly. But they can also be adapted to strengthen our bonds with our own future selves – who will benefit most from the grit we need to succeed in life. No matter what our goals are, EMOTIONAL SUCCESS can help us achieve them with greater ease and deeper satisfaction than we would have thought possible.
A string of bestsellers have alerted us to the importance of grit – an ability to persevere and control one’s impulses that is so closely associated with greatness. But no book yet has charted the most accessible and powerful path to our prosocial emotions. These feelings – gratitude, compassion and pride – are easier to generate than the willpower and self-denial that underpin traditional approaches to grit. And, while willpower is quickly depleted, prosocial emotions actually become stronger the more we use them. These emotions have another crucial they’re contagious. Those around us become more likely to apply them when we do.
As this myth-shattering book explains, prosocial emotions evolved specifically to help us resist immediate temptations in favor of long-term gains. Originally, they enabled us to build lasting relationships with other people, and they still do that brilliantly. But they can also be adapted to strengthen our bonds with our own future selves – who will benefit most from the grit we need to succeed in life. No matter what our goals are, EMOTIONAL SUCCESS can help us achieve them with greater ease and deeper satisfaction than we would have thought possible.
227 pages, Hardcover
First published January 9, 2018
182 people are currently reading
1688 people want to read
About the author
David DeSteno
4 books39 followersDavid DeSteno is a professor of psychology at Northeastern University, where he directs the Social Emotions Group. At the broadest level, his work examines the mechanisms of the mind that shape moral behavior. David is a fellow of the Association for Psychological Science and the American Psychological Association, for which he served as editor-in-chief of the journal Emotion. His work has been repeatedly funded by the National Science Foundation and has been regularly featured in the media, including The New York Times, The Wall Street Journal, The Atlantic, CBS Sunday Morning, and NPR's Radiolab and On Point.
He is the author of How God Works, Emotional Success, The Truth About Trust, and co-author of Out of Character. He frequently writes about behavioral science for outlets including The New York Times, The Washington Post, The Atlantic, The Boston Globe, Harvard Business Review, and Mother Jones.
David received his Ph.D. in psychology from Yale University.
He is the author of How God Works, Emotional Success, The Truth About Trust, and co-author of Out of Character. He frequently writes about behavioral science for outlets including The New York Times, The Washington Post, The Atlantic, The Boston Globe, Harvard Business Review, and Mother Jones.
David received his Ph.D. in psychology from Yale University.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 83 reviews
July 25, 2018
This book may have cured me from reading self-help books forever. The scientific experiments conducted to prove his point were so agonizingly weak and unscientific you would almost think he thought science was another word for manipulation. Sure, emotions are powerful motivators and sure, they can spare us overuse of executive function. We wouldn't need books like this, if indeed we do, if we had just paid attention to some of the advice our grandmothers gave us.
On the bright side much of the real research quoted confirmed Charlotte Masons ideas on habit. She was uncanny!
On the bright side much of the real research quoted confirmed Charlotte Masons ideas on habit. She was uncanny!
Read
June 13, 2022Very interesting read on how emotions work to help us do better in the future, as both individuals and societies. Pride, gratitude, and compassion are the key ones here, proving a lot more useful than the finite resource that is willpower.
Makes a lot of sense though I found it a bit optimistic about...people, honestly. Still, worth a read.
Makes a lot of sense though I found it a bit optimistic about...people, honestly. Still, worth a read.
March 29, 2018
This is a rather long-winded summary because I was taking notes as I was reading the book over the last few weeks. Overall I liked the content and learned a lot of practical stuff I can put into use. This post is a combination of 3 separate blog posts I used the content for at my sit runrunlive.com
Cheers,
Chris,
...
Using Gratitude to Make Yourself a Better Person
Leveraging a simple emotion for powerful results.
I am reading a very good book; Emotional Success, the Power of Gratitude, Compassion and Pride, by David DeStefano. I have just finished the first section on the power of Gratitude.
This really resonated with me.
I have lived through my share of stressful situations and self-improvement pogroms and I wish I knew this science earlier. What he talks about, how studies show the correlative (and maybe causative) impact of fostering an attitude of gratitude, would have been a big help to the 20 or 30-year-old me.
As a baby-boomer I grew up with the hard-work and self-control mantra. Discipline and good habits could turn any situation around. I focused on being prepared, working harder and beating myself up for failing at it. Sound familiar?
Much of the pop-science around self-improvement through the 80’s and 90’s and 00’s was focused on how to create habits and essentially trick yourself into doing things that had a positive effect. Get up earlier. Do 100 pushups a day. Envision your perfect future. Visualize success.
The challenge with all this stuff is that it isn’t very successful. The reason it isn’t successful is that you’re pushing a rock up a hill. You’re fighting the natural bias of your brain to weigh short term benefit over long term success.
The studies show that on average we will accept $17 today instead of $100 in a year. We are wired to make short-term benefit decisions. Why is that important? Because most of the decisions that determine success are long-term in nature. They require us to pass on an immediate gratification and wait for a delayed reward.
Think about it. I can smoke this cigarette now for the pleasure it gives me even though I know I’m sacrificing years off my life. I can eat the cake now instead of exercising. I can play this video game instead of studying.
Which stinks because the studies also show that the people who naturally weight long term rewards have better self-control and more success. Think of the ‘goal setters’ and the ‘visionaries’. They focus on the future.
This is not a big surprise. Everyone knows or suspects this short-term reward bias. It’s built into our culture.
The traditional approach to breaking the short-term reward bias is to cultivate more willpower. Move the decision out of the emotional brain and into the cognitive brain where we can think about it and make better long-term decisions.
Classic self-improvement speak says “Willpower is a muscle! You have to use it a lot to make it stronger!” There’s some truth to this. Unfortunately, the truth is what the science shows; that yes willpower is like a muscle and fatigues quickly but does not get stronger with use.
That’s why, as rational as it is, you can’t walk away from that greasy pizza at midnight. You have burned out your willpower through a day of making decisions. The cognitive brain is bad at controlling emotional decisions. Emotions always win out eventually.
Why not use emotions to steer the ship instead? Instead of pushing that rock up that hill like some mad Sisyphus battling an unwinnable task?
Enter the wonderful discovery of Gratitude.
Turns out gratitude is an excellent tool to change or positively influence our interactions, our will power and our health.
Gratitude lights up a more fundamental part of our brains. The cognitive brain is bad at making moral decisions and moral decisions drive behavior. The more basic parts of our brains are influenced by emotion and that emotion drives behavior. It resists rationality.
Through a series of experiments gratitude was shown to influence our ability to make long term decisions. To quantify that, David’s own experiments showed that those who were induced into a state of ‘being grateful’ held out to $31 dollars today in exchange for $100 in a year. Still a deep discount, but twice as good as the baseline $17.
People who were grateful also were more willing to perform a difficult task and stayed with those tasks longer – they did a better job, so to speak.
Gratitude in the classroom was correlated to better grades, better study habits and academic success in general.
Gratitude also correlates to physical health. The way this was tested was to have people stand up in front of a room and give a presentation (Oh how many times I’ve been there!). The researchers measured the participants stress responses. Those in a state of gratitude were able to perform better with less stress.
Long-term gratitude corelates with lower blood pressure, good cholesterol and all the other things involved in good health. Gratitude helps you sleep better. Gratitude does a body good.
Gratitude gives us a sense of abundance. We realize all that we have to be thankful for. This makes us more willing to share our talents and resources. This makes us more willing to give back or to share some of our resources with our future self by delaying today’s pleasure.
How do we get gratitude? We can cultivate gratitude by simply reflecting on what we are grateful for – “Counting our Blessings”. This is simply a practice of writing down the small things you are grateful for and reviewing them often. This is the manifestation of ‘the gratitude journal’.
Gratitude can also be given to us by others. When someone does you a small kindness or relieves you from an onerous task you are grateful. With this gratitude comes all the benefits discussed above in some measure.
Think about that. Your sincere smile to the barista this morning may have improved her life.
In summary my friends, if you are trying to get to a better place in your life, if you want to create a better world, stop focusing on willpower and scarcity.
Focus your energy on gratitude and abundance.
What are you grateful for?
Gratitude.
Abundance.
…
Being Social is Part of Being Successful
After building the case that, for the individual gratitude, compassion and pride create a future-based outlook that contributes to stick-to-it-iveness and success Emotional Success expands the concepts to social groups, governments and work organizations.
Social bonds and social connection build grit and combat loneliness. We evolved in social groups. We need those social groups as part of our foundation for success. Social bonds give us the purpose to persevere. To do something bigger than ourselves.
In social experiments that are structured like the prisoner’s dilemma humans tend to learn that cooperation is the best long-term solution. The set up is that there are two players. Each doesn’t know what the other player is doing. Each has a choice to cooperate with the other player or not. If one player cheats and the other player doesn’t the cheater wins that game and gain the cooperator loses. If both players cooperate they both gain, but less than if they cheated.
What happens over time is that the players learn to cooperate. Even if the shared gain is much less than the individual gain. This ties back to a sense of ‘doing what’s right’ or morality that drives most humans. It turns out that the social responsibility of morality is self-controls’ raison d’etre. Knowing you are part of something, a tribe, creates a form of social grit.
As western society becomes isolated form these communities the lack of social bonds becomes a health risk. As society becomes less social we see an increase in loneliness. Social isolation becomes deadly. Loneliness translates to physical pain, brain loss and destructive behaviors like smoking and drinking. All because people have no connection to their tribes anymore.
Additionally, loneliness is transferrable. The isolating behavior and resulting negative feelings can infect a social network and begin a self-reinforcing downward spiral.
As people and as a society we need to stay connected, physically connected, with our tribes and our society in general. For individuals you need to balance self-achievement with connectedness and interaction.
Reference the now well-known study that showed an income of $75k is the optimal balance point. At that point you have taken care of your needs to the point of not being stressed about it, but you haven’t mortgaged your life to career climbing. This much income makes you happiest and pro-social.
Remember that emotions are viral. They will propagate through the social group. Acts of gratitude, compassion and group pride will positively lift the network and make it resilient. Likewise, negative emotional acts will spread but only if they have the critical mass tip the scales in a social group.
This reminds me of a couple of old rules of thumb. First is that you will reflect your 5 closest friends. This points to how the dominant nature of the social group creates value in the individual. This also support the theory of kicking ‘energy vampires’ off your bus. One bad apple can be contagious in a social context.
It’s very important to connect with your tribe, but the modern world has been trending to structurally isolate individuals. Think of the shrinking small towns and the demising of traditional social groups like churches and fraternal organizations.
Into this void of social connection over the last two decades has stepped a proxy for social connection called the social network. This is both good and bad. It is good in that you can find your tribe, those people who’s worldview and morality you share, anywhere in the virtual world.
The bad news, as we have see recently, is that due to the viral and self-reinforcing nature of emotions, these social networks can virally propagate negative emotions as well and hey can be manipulated to manipulate emotions at scale.
Sharing or being exposed to positive or negative emotions on social media has been shown to create a mirroring effect. You take on the emotional attributes of what you are being exposed to. Unfortunately this has been used to manipulate large swaths of public opinion. Manipulating emotions is a very powerful tool.
You might say that the rational mind will step in and see these half-truths for what they are and prevent this viral cascade. But, the rational mind does not. The rational mind has been shown through studies to remember ‘the fact’ differently depending on what emotional content we are exposed to. Our brains make up facts to support emotions.
If you have cultivated or have been infected with an attitude of scarcity your rational mind will whitewash the facts to support that scarcity. You will carry that scarcity with you into the world. I would argue that most of the content you consume, whether it’s the evening news or your social media feed, is scarcity based.
When you scale social responsibility up to the public government level it becomes even harder to embrace the long-term outlook. Why should I pay taxes to the government that is going to give my money to someone I don’t know for no benefit to me? Why should the elected official spend money to fix something now that pays off in the future?
One attribute of our pervasive technology is we can now see the impact of a contribution we make on a specific individual ½ a world away. We have the opportunity for ubiquitous visibility. We have the technology to scale whatever emotional response we want to not only a nation but to the world. Hopefully we’ll stop using this power for parochial short-term gain and flip it towards the future.
We have the technology to re-integrate our tribe on a global level.
Bringing emotional success into work.
All of the positive uses for emotions that we have talked about can be integrated into corporate culture to make companies more success. In one study at Google it was found that the number one indicator of success was how supportive the manager of a group was seen to be.
If you feel foundationally secure with your leadership you will work harder and longer for the common good. Pair this emotional support with a clear results oriented mission and you get a high performing group. Once again we see the poer of having a strong social foundation and a strong ‘why’.
Sumary:
I got a lot out of this book. Much of it I had a sense for already, but the book contextualized and reaffirmed. It led me to reinforce some of my own inter-group and leadership practices. It also brought me to the realization that I need to ask for help more and not try to do everything myself.
Cheers,
Chris,
...
Using Gratitude to Make Yourself a Better Person
Leveraging a simple emotion for powerful results.
I am reading a very good book; Emotional Success, the Power of Gratitude, Compassion and Pride, by David DeStefano. I have just finished the first section on the power of Gratitude.
This really resonated with me.
I have lived through my share of stressful situations and self-improvement pogroms and I wish I knew this science earlier. What he talks about, how studies show the correlative (and maybe causative) impact of fostering an attitude of gratitude, would have been a big help to the 20 or 30-year-old me.
As a baby-boomer I grew up with the hard-work and self-control mantra. Discipline and good habits could turn any situation around. I focused on being prepared, working harder and beating myself up for failing at it. Sound familiar?
Much of the pop-science around self-improvement through the 80’s and 90’s and 00’s was focused on how to create habits and essentially trick yourself into doing things that had a positive effect. Get up earlier. Do 100 pushups a day. Envision your perfect future. Visualize success.
The challenge with all this stuff is that it isn’t very successful. The reason it isn’t successful is that you’re pushing a rock up a hill. You’re fighting the natural bias of your brain to weigh short term benefit over long term success.
The studies show that on average we will accept $17 today instead of $100 in a year. We are wired to make short-term benefit decisions. Why is that important? Because most of the decisions that determine success are long-term in nature. They require us to pass on an immediate gratification and wait for a delayed reward.
Think about it. I can smoke this cigarette now for the pleasure it gives me even though I know I’m sacrificing years off my life. I can eat the cake now instead of exercising. I can play this video game instead of studying.
Which stinks because the studies also show that the people who naturally weight long term rewards have better self-control and more success. Think of the ‘goal setters’ and the ‘visionaries’. They focus on the future.
This is not a big surprise. Everyone knows or suspects this short-term reward bias. It’s built into our culture.
The traditional approach to breaking the short-term reward bias is to cultivate more willpower. Move the decision out of the emotional brain and into the cognitive brain where we can think about it and make better long-term decisions.
Classic self-improvement speak says “Willpower is a muscle! You have to use it a lot to make it stronger!” There’s some truth to this. Unfortunately, the truth is what the science shows; that yes willpower is like a muscle and fatigues quickly but does not get stronger with use.
That’s why, as rational as it is, you can’t walk away from that greasy pizza at midnight. You have burned out your willpower through a day of making decisions. The cognitive brain is bad at controlling emotional decisions. Emotions always win out eventually.
Why not use emotions to steer the ship instead? Instead of pushing that rock up that hill like some mad Sisyphus battling an unwinnable task?
Enter the wonderful discovery of Gratitude.
Turns out gratitude is an excellent tool to change or positively influence our interactions, our will power and our health.
Gratitude lights up a more fundamental part of our brains. The cognitive brain is bad at making moral decisions and moral decisions drive behavior. The more basic parts of our brains are influenced by emotion and that emotion drives behavior. It resists rationality.
Through a series of experiments gratitude was shown to influence our ability to make long term decisions. To quantify that, David’s own experiments showed that those who were induced into a state of ‘being grateful’ held out to $31 dollars today in exchange for $100 in a year. Still a deep discount, but twice as good as the baseline $17.
People who were grateful also were more willing to perform a difficult task and stayed with those tasks longer – they did a better job, so to speak.
Gratitude in the classroom was correlated to better grades, better study habits and academic success in general.
Gratitude also correlates to physical health. The way this was tested was to have people stand up in front of a room and give a presentation (Oh how many times I’ve been there!). The researchers measured the participants stress responses. Those in a state of gratitude were able to perform better with less stress.
Long-term gratitude corelates with lower blood pressure, good cholesterol and all the other things involved in good health. Gratitude helps you sleep better. Gratitude does a body good.
Gratitude gives us a sense of abundance. We realize all that we have to be thankful for. This makes us more willing to share our talents and resources. This makes us more willing to give back or to share some of our resources with our future self by delaying today’s pleasure.
How do we get gratitude? We can cultivate gratitude by simply reflecting on what we are grateful for – “Counting our Blessings”. This is simply a practice of writing down the small things you are grateful for and reviewing them often. This is the manifestation of ‘the gratitude journal’.
Gratitude can also be given to us by others. When someone does you a small kindness or relieves you from an onerous task you are grateful. With this gratitude comes all the benefits discussed above in some measure.
Think about that. Your sincere smile to the barista this morning may have improved her life.
In summary my friends, if you are trying to get to a better place in your life, if you want to create a better world, stop focusing on willpower and scarcity.
Focus your energy on gratitude and abundance.
What are you grateful for?
Gratitude.
Abundance.
…
Being Social is Part of Being Successful
After building the case that, for the individual gratitude, compassion and pride create a future-based outlook that contributes to stick-to-it-iveness and success Emotional Success expands the concepts to social groups, governments and work organizations.
Social bonds and social connection build grit and combat loneliness. We evolved in social groups. We need those social groups as part of our foundation for success. Social bonds give us the purpose to persevere. To do something bigger than ourselves.
In social experiments that are structured like the prisoner’s dilemma humans tend to learn that cooperation is the best long-term solution. The set up is that there are two players. Each doesn’t know what the other player is doing. Each has a choice to cooperate with the other player or not. If one player cheats and the other player doesn’t the cheater wins that game and gain the cooperator loses. If both players cooperate they both gain, but less than if they cheated.
What happens over time is that the players learn to cooperate. Even if the shared gain is much less than the individual gain. This ties back to a sense of ‘doing what’s right’ or morality that drives most humans. It turns out that the social responsibility of morality is self-controls’ raison d’etre. Knowing you are part of something, a tribe, creates a form of social grit.
As western society becomes isolated form these communities the lack of social bonds becomes a health risk. As society becomes less social we see an increase in loneliness. Social isolation becomes deadly. Loneliness translates to physical pain, brain loss and destructive behaviors like smoking and drinking. All because people have no connection to their tribes anymore.
Additionally, loneliness is transferrable. The isolating behavior and resulting negative feelings can infect a social network and begin a self-reinforcing downward spiral.
As people and as a society we need to stay connected, physically connected, with our tribes and our society in general. For individuals you need to balance self-achievement with connectedness and interaction.
Reference the now well-known study that showed an income of $75k is the optimal balance point. At that point you have taken care of your needs to the point of not being stressed about it, but you haven’t mortgaged your life to career climbing. This much income makes you happiest and pro-social.
Remember that emotions are viral. They will propagate through the social group. Acts of gratitude, compassion and group pride will positively lift the network and make it resilient. Likewise, negative emotional acts will spread but only if they have the critical mass tip the scales in a social group.
This reminds me of a couple of old rules of thumb. First is that you will reflect your 5 closest friends. This points to how the dominant nature of the social group creates value in the individual. This also support the theory of kicking ‘energy vampires’ off your bus. One bad apple can be contagious in a social context.
It’s very important to connect with your tribe, but the modern world has been trending to structurally isolate individuals. Think of the shrinking small towns and the demising of traditional social groups like churches and fraternal organizations.
Into this void of social connection over the last two decades has stepped a proxy for social connection called the social network. This is both good and bad. It is good in that you can find your tribe, those people who’s worldview and morality you share, anywhere in the virtual world.
The bad news, as we have see recently, is that due to the viral and self-reinforcing nature of emotions, these social networks can virally propagate negative emotions as well and hey can be manipulated to manipulate emotions at scale.
Sharing or being exposed to positive or negative emotions on social media has been shown to create a mirroring effect. You take on the emotional attributes of what you are being exposed to. Unfortunately this has been used to manipulate large swaths of public opinion. Manipulating emotions is a very powerful tool.
You might say that the rational mind will step in and see these half-truths for what they are and prevent this viral cascade. But, the rational mind does not. The rational mind has been shown through studies to remember ‘the fact’ differently depending on what emotional content we are exposed to. Our brains make up facts to support emotions.
If you have cultivated or have been infected with an attitude of scarcity your rational mind will whitewash the facts to support that scarcity. You will carry that scarcity with you into the world. I would argue that most of the content you consume, whether it’s the evening news or your social media feed, is scarcity based.
When you scale social responsibility up to the public government level it becomes even harder to embrace the long-term outlook. Why should I pay taxes to the government that is going to give my money to someone I don’t know for no benefit to me? Why should the elected official spend money to fix something now that pays off in the future?
One attribute of our pervasive technology is we can now see the impact of a contribution we make on a specific individual ½ a world away. We have the opportunity for ubiquitous visibility. We have the technology to scale whatever emotional response we want to not only a nation but to the world. Hopefully we’ll stop using this power for parochial short-term gain and flip it towards the future.
We have the technology to re-integrate our tribe on a global level.
Bringing emotional success into work.
All of the positive uses for emotions that we have talked about can be integrated into corporate culture to make companies more success. In one study at Google it was found that the number one indicator of success was how supportive the manager of a group was seen to be.
If you feel foundationally secure with your leadership you will work harder and longer for the common good. Pair this emotional support with a clear results oriented mission and you get a high performing group. Once again we see the poer of having a strong social foundation and a strong ‘why’.
Sumary:
I got a lot out of this book. Much of it I had a sense for already, but the book contextualized and reaffirmed. It led me to reinforce some of my own inter-group and leadership practices. It also brought me to the realization that I need to ask for help more and not try to do everything myself.
February 15, 2018
The book is an easy read, it contains some great ideas and potential information, and it provides some food for thought with regard to its main topic, so I'm not about to advise anyone against checking out the book just based on the quibbles that I may have had (some of which may be mainly due to decisions by the publisher/editor to oversimplify some of the content and clearly aim for a pop science flavour to it).
Still, I am afraid that quite a number of points bothered me about this book. I found myself not quite buying some of the interpretations of experimental manipulations. I understand that the descriptions are simplified, so it may very well be that additional manipulation checks just weren't mentioned, but the issue extended beyond experimental assumptions to interpretations of behaviour in other studies.
If my issues with the book were limited to interpretations, it wouldn't be quite so bad, but I was also left absolutely unsure about whether the magnitude of the effects were really reported in a fair manner. (For individuals not familiar with statistical methods: the vast majority of psychological differences still result in huge overlap between groups, so simply observing a "difference" doesn't mean that this difference also has practical relevance.)
I am less concerned about the author's own studies, but his interpretations of other studies are unfortunately questionable. For example, he introduces the infamous Facebook study, in which emotional content within news feeds were manipulated. The author describes the findings this way: "The results were unambiguous; people's moods moved towards the contents of their manipulated news feeds. Those who saw more sad posts subsequently posted more sad updates themselves. Those who saw more happy posts showed a similar mirroring."
Having looked at the actual effects reported in the journal article, these statements are extremely misleading. Yes, the study found "significant" statistical differences. However, these differences were only significant because they had several hundred thousand participants to magnify these differences. To draw a direct example from the article: "When positive posts were reduced in the News Feed, ... the percentage of words that were negative increased by B = 0.04% (t = 2.71, p = 0.007, d = 0.001)".
In other words 0.04% = 1 word for every 2,500 words typed across many, many people! That is such a small effect that it is surely hardly worth mentioning, much less presenting as "unambiguous".
The non-critical description of the Facebook study wasn't the only point in the book where I found myself questioning either the effect size or the statistical power of the study design of a cited study, which suggests that the author may not have paid attention to these details in at least some of the findings reported in the book (particularly when they weren't based on studies from his own lab). On top of that, some of the conclusions drawn from fMRI studies seem vastly overstated, too (with some of it sounding like reverse inferencing).
Casual readers may not place much importance on the next point, but as someone with an interest in the research, I was disappointed in the lack of in-text citations. (I also found it strange that the text cites a particular study by Wilhelm Hofmann several times throughout the book -- but at one point introduces Kathleen Vohs, lists her credentials, then describes the study conducted by Hofmann in Germany with words such as "after she studies people's behavior in their natural environs", even though it is quite probable that she only played a role in writing the manuscript.)
Overall, I think that the book has many important ideas, but I'm unsure about its strategy of writing in this supposed accessible manner; and for a book meant to summarise other studies, it didn't do a good job of critically presenting these studies, thus leaving me with too much uncertainty regarding the ideas.
Still, I am afraid that quite a number of points bothered me about this book. I found myself not quite buying some of the interpretations of experimental manipulations. I understand that the descriptions are simplified, so it may very well be that additional manipulation checks just weren't mentioned, but the issue extended beyond experimental assumptions to interpretations of behaviour in other studies.
If my issues with the book were limited to interpretations, it wouldn't be quite so bad, but I was also left absolutely unsure about whether the magnitude of the effects were really reported in a fair manner. (For individuals not familiar with statistical methods: the vast majority of psychological differences still result in huge overlap between groups, so simply observing a "difference" doesn't mean that this difference also has practical relevance.)
I am less concerned about the author's own studies, but his interpretations of other studies are unfortunately questionable. For example, he introduces the infamous Facebook study, in which emotional content within news feeds were manipulated. The author describes the findings this way: "The results were unambiguous; people's moods moved towards the contents of their manipulated news feeds. Those who saw more sad posts subsequently posted more sad updates themselves. Those who saw more happy posts showed a similar mirroring."
Having looked at the actual effects reported in the journal article, these statements are extremely misleading. Yes, the study found "significant" statistical differences. However, these differences were only significant because they had several hundred thousand participants to magnify these differences. To draw a direct example from the article: "When positive posts were reduced in the News Feed, ... the percentage of words that were negative increased by B = 0.04% (t = 2.71, p = 0.007, d = 0.001)".
In other words 0.04% = 1 word for every 2,500 words typed across many, many people! That is such a small effect that it is surely hardly worth mentioning, much less presenting as "unambiguous".
The non-critical description of the Facebook study wasn't the only point in the book where I found myself questioning either the effect size or the statistical power of the study design of a cited study, which suggests that the author may not have paid attention to these details in at least some of the findings reported in the book (particularly when they weren't based on studies from his own lab). On top of that, some of the conclusions drawn from fMRI studies seem vastly overstated, too (with some of it sounding like reverse inferencing).
Casual readers may not place much importance on the next point, but as someone with an interest in the research, I was disappointed in the lack of in-text citations. (I also found it strange that the text cites a particular study by Wilhelm Hofmann several times throughout the book -- but at one point introduces Kathleen Vohs, lists her credentials, then describes the study conducted by Hofmann in Germany with words such as "after she studies people's behavior in their natural environs", even though it is quite probable that she only played a role in writing the manuscript.)
Overall, I think that the book has many important ideas, but I'm unsure about its strategy of writing in this supposed accessible manner; and for a book meant to summarise other studies, it didn't do a good job of critically presenting these studies, thus leaving me with too much uncertainty regarding the ideas.
April 17, 2018
This is the type of book I thoroughly enjoy: one that helps me to view something in a completely new light and question some of my unknown assumptions. Ever since a transformation a few years ago I've been focused on rationality as a goal of mine. I viewed people's lack of critical thinking skills as one of the major problems facing individuals and society (in most ways I still do). I wished that I could reduce many of my emotions. To be fair, mostly the "negative" ones, but I would have accepted a reduction in all of them, if it were possible, in the ends of those goals.
But this book has made me rethink that. The author does a good job of showing how the positive emotions of gratitude, compassion, and pride can help us be more future oriented and foster greater self-control. What's more, unlike the typical cognitive methods we employ, the emotion focused approach tends to be more durable and long-lasting. The desired results tend to flow a bit more easily and the knock-on effects in the rest of our life tends to be more positive. He illustrates this through explanation of the studies he and others have been a part of. Most of them were lab oriented, but there was also a fair amount involving surveys of real-world conditions. Some of the results were surprising to me, such as showing self-compassion can lead you to working harder towards a desired goal. But it's hard to argue too much with his data.
Having said that, I only have a couple of criticisms. The first is that, especially with the recent replication crisis, we have to take these types of study, and even more so lab-only studies, with a bit of a grain of salt. But, as I said, the real-world results are indicative of something valid being present.
The other major criticism is that he doesn't spend as much time as I would like dedicated to specific methods of developing and fostering these positive emotions. In all fairness, it is something he addresses with each topic. It's not like he ignores it. But I'm left feeling a bit shortchanged on the how of implementing these ideas, even though I'm sold on the why.
But it's still a beautiful book. Very readable. Short, concise, and full of meaning. It's going to be one of the few books I actually buy (as opposed to using the library) because I want my children to read this book as soon as they're ready.
But this book has made me rethink that. The author does a good job of showing how the positive emotions of gratitude, compassion, and pride can help us be more future oriented and foster greater self-control. What's more, unlike the typical cognitive methods we employ, the emotion focused approach tends to be more durable and long-lasting. The desired results tend to flow a bit more easily and the knock-on effects in the rest of our life tends to be more positive. He illustrates this through explanation of the studies he and others have been a part of. Most of them were lab oriented, but there was also a fair amount involving surveys of real-world conditions. Some of the results were surprising to me, such as showing self-compassion can lead you to working harder towards a desired goal. But it's hard to argue too much with his data.
Having said that, I only have a couple of criticisms. The first is that, especially with the recent replication crisis, we have to take these types of study, and even more so lab-only studies, with a bit of a grain of salt. But, as I said, the real-world results are indicative of something valid being present.
The other major criticism is that he doesn't spend as much time as I would like dedicated to specific methods of developing and fostering these positive emotions. In all fairness, it is something he addresses with each topic. It's not like he ignores it. But I'm left feeling a bit shortchanged on the how of implementing these ideas, even though I'm sold on the why.
But it's still a beautiful book. Very readable. Short, concise, and full of meaning. It's going to be one of the few books I actually buy (as opposed to using the library) because I want my children to read this book as soon as they're ready.
April 10, 2019
This book is for me life changing. I have spent my life with the working assumption that if I could just be self disciplined enough, with enough grit and perseverance then I could achieve my goals. This book does an excellent job of upending that assumption and puts forth the idea that it is the positive emotions we feel, gratitude, compassion, and pride, that play a far more significant role in our future success than anything else our mind can work up. Desteno starts with the marshmallow study and walks us through study after study that demonstrates, clearly, that it is in experiencing these positive emotional states regularly will facilitate a lasting, balanced, and resilient success.
July 27, 2018
Really interesting discussion of how emotions can help the brain/people exercise will power, thoughtful decisions, and control.
January 21, 2019
DeSteno does a great job at championing the idea that a specific set of "right emotions" - gratitude, compassion, and (authentic) pride - are crucial for achieving long-term success (emotionality, socially, even economically). The author does this by showing how these emotions can specifically positively impact social life. For instance, by showing, through social experiment data, how making employees take pride in their work (through direct acknowledgement of the importance of their work among other ways) has been shown to drastically increase their workplace effectiveness, DeSteno convincingly makes the case for fostering this type of pride in all employees.
One part I greatly enjoyed about this book was how the author depicted the human tendency towards short-term satisfaction over long-term gains and how easy and common it is to cheat others even if, as individuals, we don't mean to. Conversely, DeSteno also showed the superiority of being social towards being successful and how this requires thinking long-term organically rather than in a forced fashion.
The only minor criticism I have of this book (not enough to remove a star from my rating) is that I wish there had been more detail into the methodology and other specifics of many of the studies cited in support of the author's ideas. Even if brevity was a goal, these details could have been included in an appendix.
Overall, this book was a great read and highly recommended, especially for those who want to make the case for why living with others harmoniously and in deep community is most advantageous to each one of us as individuals.
One part I greatly enjoyed about this book was how the author depicted the human tendency towards short-term satisfaction over long-term gains and how easy and common it is to cheat others even if, as individuals, we don't mean to. Conversely, DeSteno also showed the superiority of being social towards being successful and how this requires thinking long-term organically rather than in a forced fashion.
The only minor criticism I have of this book (not enough to remove a star from my rating) is that I wish there had been more detail into the methodology and other specifics of many of the studies cited in support of the author's ideas. Even if brevity was a goal, these details could have been included in an appendix.
Overall, this book was a great read and highly recommended, especially for those who want to make the case for why living with others harmoniously and in deep community is most advantageous to each one of us as individuals.
July 30, 2018
Some interesting studies about how emotions like gratitude, compassion, and pride can help in your personal and professional life.
Unfortunately, as a solution to everyday problems or as guidance on changing behavior, I didn’t find too much in the way of specific examples of implementing the results of this research into daily life.
Feeling burned out, frustrated, or depressed? HAVE YOU TRIED FEELING GRATITUDE?
This book may have set out to just be an informational thing, raising interesting points about how emotions (and not cold, calculated reason) are actually better motivators for overcoming negative emotional behaviors. If so, then mission accomplished. However, the blurbs and recommendations for the book are going for more of the self-help angle, and I didn’t find many examples of practical exercises for using this knowledge.
HAVE YOU TRIED FEELING COMPASSION ALL DAY INSTEAD OF BEING A TOTAL DOWNER?
Unfortunately, as a solution to everyday problems or as guidance on changing behavior, I didn’t find too much in the way of specific examples of implementing the results of this research into daily life.
Feeling burned out, frustrated, or depressed? HAVE YOU TRIED FEELING GRATITUDE?
This book may have set out to just be an informational thing, raising interesting points about how emotions (and not cold, calculated reason) are actually better motivators for overcoming negative emotional behaviors. If so, then mission accomplished. However, the blurbs and recommendations for the book are going for more of the self-help angle, and I didn’t find many examples of practical exercises for using this knowledge.
HAVE YOU TRIED FEELING COMPASSION ALL DAY INSTEAD OF BEING A TOTAL DOWNER?
April 12, 2024
Despite the initial scepticism about the book - I decided to engage in the first few chapters in an exploratory manner.
The outcome was pretty rewarding.
The author through anecdotes and empirical data demonstrates that understanding emotions is a better way to build a lasting base as compared to using cognitive cues to strong arm control that can have lasting damage.
The tool kit to understand-process -harness emotions is through gratitude, compassion and praise. This toolkit needs to be used in conjunction with the ability to be a part of the social fabric to live a fulfilling life.
A book recommended for anyone who believes that sacrifice is the only way to achieve things.
The outcome was pretty rewarding.
The author through anecdotes and empirical data demonstrates that understanding emotions is a better way to build a lasting base as compared to using cognitive cues to strong arm control that can have lasting damage.
The tool kit to understand-process -harness emotions is through gratitude, compassion and praise. This toolkit needs to be used in conjunction with the ability to be a part of the social fabric to live a fulfilling life.
A book recommended for anyone who believes that sacrifice is the only way to achieve things.
February 1, 2020
Excellent description of how to develop the 3 primary emotions to motivate you into becoming the best you, you want to be.
September 2, 2022
4.5/5 - Lots of insight and research that I just find so fascinating.
August 18, 2018
Ok, book-learned to tell yourself how you feel (don't listen to your feeling). a little drawn out and kind of boring.
September 14, 2018
The book is amazing and talking about the power of gratitude and how you can direct your emotions to help yourself succeed or your team.
The book has a lot of expirments and nice results,some of them are obvious and others are a bit surprising for me.
The book has a lot of expirments and nice results,some of them are obvious and others are a bit surprising for me.
May 21, 2021
7/10
This book ties in nicely with other motivational books and advice about pursuing a career that you are passionate about. However, I would say that this book is unique in it's message.
Rather than speaking about mindfulness as an airy fairy approach, DeSteno takes us on a journey of self-discovery, shedding light on past experiences and bad behaviours. Why did we act in such a way? And why did others around us act the way they did? To notice these things, is to notice our failures. Why? So that we will be able to detect failure in our current lives, in order to avoid failure in the future.
This book should have been called, "How Mindfulness and Gratitude can help with Self Control". No one really wants to read about self control, but they do want to read about "Success!" The impulsive, get-rich-quick tips that are attatched to the stigmatisation of these words, "success".
However, when you do read upon this topic of self control, you realize that it's actually quite interesting. DeSteno talks about sacrifice, grit and perserverance. Our emotions can be a reaction to past memories and the pain it has caused. Has this paralyzed us to move forward?
"Emotional Success" is a psychological nonfiction read. The results that we encounter, from a number of studies, helps us relax to the fact that as humans, we are not perfect. We have flaws. Thus, it is important to identify these flaws both in ourselves and the people around us, in order to avoid a repeat performance in the future.
Although DeSteno talks about the future through a long term lens, he also grounds us to the present moment of our current situations. Do we need things to change? Or can we be grateful enough to have what we have? How will we decide to share our lives with others? Should we share our utmost intimate secrets? Or should we have them under lock and key, hidden away forever more? These are the type of questions that run through my mind as I listened to this book.
The chapter about our future selves and how we would like to be remembered vs the reality, reminds me of Bill Burr's joke about paying those bills so well! "Bill, yeah, he paid the sh*t out of those bills!" It's sad, but we do have to pay up to what we owe. We cannot assume that we can do whatever we want without a price. And thus, the message to this book.
This book ties in nicely with other motivational books and advice about pursuing a career that you are passionate about. However, I would say that this book is unique in it's message.
Rather than speaking about mindfulness as an airy fairy approach, DeSteno takes us on a journey of self-discovery, shedding light on past experiences and bad behaviours. Why did we act in such a way? And why did others around us act the way they did? To notice these things, is to notice our failures. Why? So that we will be able to detect failure in our current lives, in order to avoid failure in the future.
This book should have been called, "How Mindfulness and Gratitude can help with Self Control". No one really wants to read about self control, but they do want to read about "Success!" The impulsive, get-rich-quick tips that are attatched to the stigmatisation of these words, "success".
However, when you do read upon this topic of self control, you realize that it's actually quite interesting. DeSteno talks about sacrifice, grit and perserverance. Our emotions can be a reaction to past memories and the pain it has caused. Has this paralyzed us to move forward?
"Emotional Success" is a psychological nonfiction read. The results that we encounter, from a number of studies, helps us relax to the fact that as humans, we are not perfect. We have flaws. Thus, it is important to identify these flaws both in ourselves and the people around us, in order to avoid a repeat performance in the future.
Although DeSteno talks about the future through a long term lens, he also grounds us to the present moment of our current situations. Do we need things to change? Or can we be grateful enough to have what we have? How will we decide to share our lives with others? Should we share our utmost intimate secrets? Or should we have them under lock and key, hidden away forever more? These are the type of questions that run through my mind as I listened to this book.
The chapter about our future selves and how we would like to be remembered vs the reality, reminds me of Bill Burr's joke about paying those bills so well! "Bill, yeah, he paid the sh*t out of those bills!" It's sad, but we do have to pay up to what we owe. We cannot assume that we can do whatever we want without a price. And thus, the message to this book.
February 3, 2019
Very good book. I related with on part in particular about a person who has great willpower but sometimes overextends their own willpower leading to a failure in one area. It's not that they don't have willpower, it is the willpower is overused. The failure isn't a lack of willpower, but a lack of good habits. The combination of willpower and habits really struck me as something I need to work on. I learned a lot from this book and would recommend it.
April 29, 2019
Interesting book with some interesting studies. Main problem with this book is correlation does not equal causation. And I am not one of those assholes that cries that out all the time. If you haven't proved causation, but it seems reasonable to think that one thing likely caused the other, I'm willing to go along with your assumption unless and until it's proven otherwise. But in some of the studies cited, assuming causation doesn't even seem reasonable. Like when he cited a study that grateful people have better grades, and posits that gratitude likely caused the better grades. As opposed to good grades giving you something to be grateful for. Or how proud people tend to perform skills better, and positing that pride improves performance, rather than a good performance improving your pride. Still worth the read, because some of the studies cited and arguments put forth were compelling -- just not all of them.
Favorite quotes:
"The mind has emotions because, more often than not, they help us." p.5
"What unifies experiences of gratitude is the receipt of something one desires that comes at a cost to someone else." p.58
"A failure to show gratitude is often taken as an affront by someone who went out of their way to do something nice for you. And as affronts accrue, relationships die." p.58
"So all we need to do to change our emotions is to alter our mind's perceptions of what has recently happened. Put differently, we just need to tweak what we typically pay attention to." p.77
"It can be useful to take half an hour every so often to write a letter to, or at least have an imagined discussion with, our future selves. Many parents write letters to their children that are meant to be opened in years to come. And it's the compassion that they feel for them that motivates it: to explain choices, to give advice, express hopes and dreams for their success. But few people write letters to their future selves. Doing so, or even regularly imagining what we'd say, will force us to consider the well-being of our future selves -- to feel for them -- and thus to explain the choices that we're making in the present. It will help our minds cross the temporal barrier that separates us from our futures, thereby easing the way for compassion to flow and inspiring us to act in ways meant to preempt any distress we might be likely to experience in the years to come." p.113
"The idea of trustworthiness itself rests on two intertwined factors. The first is integrity: Can I trust that someone will be fair and honest? The second is competence: Does the person actually have the abilities to do what's needed? One without the other is a recipe for trouble. A person might have every intention to help, but if he doesn't have the requisite skills, he won't help at all. While most people would trust their best friend to pick them up at the airport, they likely wouldn't rely on their best friend to remove a brain tumor unless she's a neurosurgeon." p.125
"When people are searching for a partner, their chief criteria are competence and integrity. And as a result, the human mind is primed to seek evidence of these traits. In the case of integrity, we often use self-control as a proxy. Those who are viewed as being able to resist temptation and persevere in the face of difficulties are perceived as best bets to work with." p.126
"Anticipating pride probed quite beneficial for bolstering self-control. A full 40 percent of those who focused on feeling future pride resisted taking even a single bite of cake, whereas only 19 percent of those in the control condition (that is, those not told to anticipate any emotion) and 11 percent of those in the shame condition did the same." p.138
"Persistent loneliness produces double the mortality risk of obesity. It's equivalent to smoking in terms of increasing the odds of an early death. It impairs immunity and increases inflammation, both of which are linked to maladies such as heart disease and diabetes. Over time, the chronic stress that accompanies loneliness also disrupts sleep, elevates blood pressure, and causes depression." p.156
Favorite quotes:
"The mind has emotions because, more often than not, they help us." p.5
"What unifies experiences of gratitude is the receipt of something one desires that comes at a cost to someone else." p.58
"A failure to show gratitude is often taken as an affront by someone who went out of their way to do something nice for you. And as affronts accrue, relationships die." p.58
"So all we need to do to change our emotions is to alter our mind's perceptions of what has recently happened. Put differently, we just need to tweak what we typically pay attention to." p.77
"It can be useful to take half an hour every so often to write a letter to, or at least have an imagined discussion with, our future selves. Many parents write letters to their children that are meant to be opened in years to come. And it's the compassion that they feel for them that motivates it: to explain choices, to give advice, express hopes and dreams for their success. But few people write letters to their future selves. Doing so, or even regularly imagining what we'd say, will force us to consider the well-being of our future selves -- to feel for them -- and thus to explain the choices that we're making in the present. It will help our minds cross the temporal barrier that separates us from our futures, thereby easing the way for compassion to flow and inspiring us to act in ways meant to preempt any distress we might be likely to experience in the years to come." p.113
"The idea of trustworthiness itself rests on two intertwined factors. The first is integrity: Can I trust that someone will be fair and honest? The second is competence: Does the person actually have the abilities to do what's needed? One without the other is a recipe for trouble. A person might have every intention to help, but if he doesn't have the requisite skills, he won't help at all. While most people would trust their best friend to pick them up at the airport, they likely wouldn't rely on their best friend to remove a brain tumor unless she's a neurosurgeon." p.125
"When people are searching for a partner, their chief criteria are competence and integrity. And as a result, the human mind is primed to seek evidence of these traits. In the case of integrity, we often use self-control as a proxy. Those who are viewed as being able to resist temptation and persevere in the face of difficulties are perceived as best bets to work with." p.126
"Anticipating pride probed quite beneficial for bolstering self-control. A full 40 percent of those who focused on feeling future pride resisted taking even a single bite of cake, whereas only 19 percent of those in the control condition (that is, those not told to anticipate any emotion) and 11 percent of those in the shame condition did the same." p.138
"Persistent loneliness produces double the mortality risk of obesity. It's equivalent to smoking in terms of increasing the odds of an early death. It impairs immunity and increases inflammation, both of which are linked to maladies such as heart disease and diabetes. Over time, the chronic stress that accompanies loneliness also disrupts sleep, elevates blood pressure, and causes depression." p.156
July 12, 2019
3.5 stars. Some useful information, but some errors if you ask me. I do love his concept that emotions (over cognition) are powerful tools to achieve our goals.
A breakdown of sections:
PRIDE: In this section the author discusses how peer pressure can stimulate the formation of virtues / intrinsic goals and values. They start off being external values, and through praise and peer pressure, become internal. No conflicts with the idea of external values leading to internal ones. My problem is with the idea of “peer pressure.” He does not define this term, and uses it as a motivator. I associate peer pressure with the emotions of rejection and shame. We are afraid to differ from our group because we want to fit in, and do not want to be shamed or rejected. This does not promote the growth of values. His example of addicts and support groups (therapy groups, AA, NA, etc.) does not go well with this definition of peer pressure. It is not the fear of shame or the fear of rejection that keeps these addicts at bay (at least not for the long term). IT IS POSITIVE EMOTION. Connection. Encouragement. Understanding. Unconditional acceptance. Inspiration. This IS NOT PEER PRESSURE. This is love. So either redefine peer pressure, or call it something else. It's misleading.
-
COMPASSION: Are you sure it's compassion that lead participants in the virtual reality study to invest more in their retirement funds after seeing a digital representation of their older selves with no retirement money? I suspect this is not so much compassion at work, but FEAR. Fear of the consequences of not having retirement money.
-
OPTIMAL EXPERIENCE: The author talks about a tit-for-tat strategy (treat considerate and kind people well, treat selfish people with selfishness) vs. always good or always deceptive/selfish when dealing with others. The tit-for-tat strategy was considered most effective in the study/game, and won most often.
There is one other option/ modification to this strategy that can be applied in real life. Seeing beneath the surface to the emotions that motivate another's selfishness can allow you to meet their emotional needs, thus disarming them. Perhaps they have a backstory of lack that fuels the emotion of FEAR that drives their actions. Empathizing with that fear may disarm them. Not always possible, and doesn't always work, but always worth trying.
-
GROUP TACTICS: The author tells a story about how a power company offered $20 to each customer who would install a blackout prevention machine in his/her home, and then switched to posting the names of all who agreed to use the machine in a public place in their building (so their neighbors could see who complied). The second situation tripled results over the first. He attributes this to the emotion of pride. This is not pride. This is fear of shame. Fear of what their neighbors will think or say. They are different emotions.
-
POLITICS: I actually liked the political thoughts, even though I normally don't (I think it's disrespectful to bash exclusively on one side, when it's so obvious that BOTH major parties have flaws; it's also short-sighted). I also don't like the inclusion of political opinions in a book not about politics. JUST THE FACTS, MA'AM (or sir, in this case). Still, I was smirking at his thoughts, liberal as they are, as I think he's right (..in this case).
-
All these studies and thoughts are great, but nothing in this book tells us HOW to foster and use our emotions ourselves. We need a practical guide.
A breakdown of sections:
PRIDE: In this section the author discusses how peer pressure can stimulate the formation of virtues / intrinsic goals and values. They start off being external values, and through praise and peer pressure, become internal. No conflicts with the idea of external values leading to internal ones. My problem is with the idea of “peer pressure.” He does not define this term, and uses it as a motivator. I associate peer pressure with the emotions of rejection and shame. We are afraid to differ from our group because we want to fit in, and do not want to be shamed or rejected. This does not promote the growth of values. His example of addicts and support groups (therapy groups, AA, NA, etc.) does not go well with this definition of peer pressure. It is not the fear of shame or the fear of rejection that keeps these addicts at bay (at least not for the long term). IT IS POSITIVE EMOTION. Connection. Encouragement. Understanding. Unconditional acceptance. Inspiration. This IS NOT PEER PRESSURE. This is love. So either redefine peer pressure, or call it something else. It's misleading.
-
COMPASSION: Are you sure it's compassion that lead participants in the virtual reality study to invest more in their retirement funds after seeing a digital representation of their older selves with no retirement money? I suspect this is not so much compassion at work, but FEAR. Fear of the consequences of not having retirement money.
-
OPTIMAL EXPERIENCE: The author talks about a tit-for-tat strategy (treat considerate and kind people well, treat selfish people with selfishness) vs. always good or always deceptive/selfish when dealing with others. The tit-for-tat strategy was considered most effective in the study/game, and won most often.
There is one other option/ modification to this strategy that can be applied in real life. Seeing beneath the surface to the emotions that motivate another's selfishness can allow you to meet their emotional needs, thus disarming them. Perhaps they have a backstory of lack that fuels the emotion of FEAR that drives their actions. Empathizing with that fear may disarm them. Not always possible, and doesn't always work, but always worth trying.
-
GROUP TACTICS: The author tells a story about how a power company offered $20 to each customer who would install a blackout prevention machine in his/her home, and then switched to posting the names of all who agreed to use the machine in a public place in their building (so their neighbors could see who complied). The second situation tripled results over the first. He attributes this to the emotion of pride. This is not pride. This is fear of shame. Fear of what their neighbors will think or say. They are different emotions.
-
POLITICS: I actually liked the political thoughts, even though I normally don't (I think it's disrespectful to bash exclusively on one side, when it's so obvious that BOTH major parties have flaws; it's also short-sighted). I also don't like the inclusion of political opinions in a book not about politics. JUST THE FACTS, MA'AM (or sir, in this case). Still, I was smirking at his thoughts, liberal as they are, as I think he's right (..in this case).
-
All these studies and thoughts are great, but nothing in this book tells us HOW to foster and use our emotions ourselves. We need a practical guide.
March 29, 2021
This review is a reflection of my understanding of the books' views.
Emotional success as the author claims is reached by following the motivational power of Gratitude, Compassion, and Pride. These emotions are proven to work within a framework that can enhance the effectiveness of logical thinking since these emotions offer a clear approach that functions well under the uncontrollable events in life. It presents an innate feeling of success and self-control aligned with the wholeness of being a positive force in society.
First, gratitude is about the future, not the past, as the author says. Gratitude encourages us to cooperate through managing ourselves to be more gritter. By delaying immediate pleasures to reach for long-term successes. Also, it provides us the ability to connect with people more proactively on a deeper level, which eventually would let people help us when we fall, or face obstacles in the future because we have already invested beforehand in them. In short, gratitude enables us to control ourselves emotionally and hope others would do the same for us in the future.
Second, the author claims that compassion builds inner strength and inner peace. Considering, it encourages us to take the first steps to sacrifice time, money, and resources to benefit others. Which in turn, boosts self-control, and grit in avoiding temptations and seeking righteous choices in the long-term. Also, it offers a sense of warmth and forgiveness while acknowledging failures in a realistic manner. Conclusively, it makes our bodies and minds resilient against weaknesses due to the fact that we look deeply into the nature surrounding us to seek to understand how it operates in the long-term. Generating empathy and consistency to take place within ourselves and enable us to project our thoughts onto the people with a compassionate understanding.
Third, Pride and preservence as the author suggests alter the mind to value the future, and to preserve the results of long-term goals. Embracing this emotion does not mean faking integrity and competence. Pride must be associated with being humble and recognizing that we are proud of our efforts, not just our abilities for it to work effectively. In essence, pride is an emotional mechanism that motivates us to be better in the future.
In conclusion, gratitude, compassion, and pride enable us to be authentic, positive and motivated to act when needed. They offer a framework that works sufficiently under the pressure of the hardships that we face in our daily lives. I enjoyed this book and what the author had to say so much because it changed my perspective toward the concept of emotional intelligence and self-control. I totally recommend reading this book, if you want to understand how your emotions can help you succeed in the long run.
Emotional success as the author claims is reached by following the motivational power of Gratitude, Compassion, and Pride. These emotions are proven to work within a framework that can enhance the effectiveness of logical thinking since these emotions offer a clear approach that functions well under the uncontrollable events in life. It presents an innate feeling of success and self-control aligned with the wholeness of being a positive force in society.
First, gratitude is about the future, not the past, as the author says. Gratitude encourages us to cooperate through managing ourselves to be more gritter. By delaying immediate pleasures to reach for long-term successes. Also, it provides us the ability to connect with people more proactively on a deeper level, which eventually would let people help us when we fall, or face obstacles in the future because we have already invested beforehand in them. In short, gratitude enables us to control ourselves emotionally and hope others would do the same for us in the future.
Second, the author claims that compassion builds inner strength and inner peace. Considering, it encourages us to take the first steps to sacrifice time, money, and resources to benefit others. Which in turn, boosts self-control, and grit in avoiding temptations and seeking righteous choices in the long-term. Also, it offers a sense of warmth and forgiveness while acknowledging failures in a realistic manner. Conclusively, it makes our bodies and minds resilient against weaknesses due to the fact that we look deeply into the nature surrounding us to seek to understand how it operates in the long-term. Generating empathy and consistency to take place within ourselves and enable us to project our thoughts onto the people with a compassionate understanding.
Third, Pride and preservence as the author suggests alter the mind to value the future, and to preserve the results of long-term goals. Embracing this emotion does not mean faking integrity and competence. Pride must be associated with being humble and recognizing that we are proud of our efforts, not just our abilities for it to work effectively. In essence, pride is an emotional mechanism that motivates us to be better in the future.
In conclusion, gratitude, compassion, and pride enable us to be authentic, positive and motivated to act when needed. They offer a framework that works sufficiently under the pressure of the hardships that we face in our daily lives. I enjoyed this book and what the author had to say so much because it changed my perspective toward the concept of emotional intelligence and self-control. I totally recommend reading this book, if you want to understand how your emotions can help you succeed in the long run.
April 1, 2023
You know the feeling when something you just did was a life-changing decision? The feeling of finding out a painstakingly obvious fact of the world that you couldn’t put into words before but another person describes it to you very clearly? That’s what reading this book was like.
The book runs along the simple premise that people need to sharpen the ability to delay instant gratification in order to achieve more in life. However, DeStino argues that depending on willpower, reasoning and cognition is the wrong way to go about delaying gratification. Rather, emotions, which were once thought to push people to make reckless decisions, prove much more effective in convincing people to sacrifice their time and effort in the present to reap greater rewards in the future.
Reading this book was an eye-opening revelation that explained why it was always easier to do a favour for a friend by completing part of their task than to put in the work for my own assignments. Our emotions of compassion and gratitude drive us to devote time and effort towards something which isn’t inherently enjoyable because of the greater reward of maintaining a healthy friendship. The book describes why this is the case in great detail but falls short in explaining how to cultivate these emotions for our own productivity, only going so far as recommending the readers to write gratitude journals and other superficial solutions.
Then it dawned on me as to why I, as someone not particularly diligent, often show greater interest in subjects than my more diligent counterparts. I had newfound appreciation for my familial and religious upbringing which emphasize compassion and gratitude. The two things which I once thought made me a gullible person, was apparently the driving force for my motivation, which as studies show, can be further cultivated through prayer and remembrance of God.
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MY FINAL TAKE: Before you grab those other self-help titles, consider this one for a change! It may be the only one you will ever need to buy ;)
The book runs along the simple premise that people need to sharpen the ability to delay instant gratification in order to achieve more in life. However, DeStino argues that depending on willpower, reasoning and cognition is the wrong way to go about delaying gratification. Rather, emotions, which were once thought to push people to make reckless decisions, prove much more effective in convincing people to sacrifice their time and effort in the present to reap greater rewards in the future.
Reading this book was an eye-opening revelation that explained why it was always easier to do a favour for a friend by completing part of their task than to put in the work for my own assignments. Our emotions of compassion and gratitude drive us to devote time and effort towards something which isn’t inherently enjoyable because of the greater reward of maintaining a healthy friendship. The book describes why this is the case in great detail but falls short in explaining how to cultivate these emotions for our own productivity, only going so far as recommending the readers to write gratitude journals and other superficial solutions.
Then it dawned on me as to why I, as someone not particularly diligent, often show greater interest in subjects than my more diligent counterparts. I had newfound appreciation for my familial and religious upbringing which emphasize compassion and gratitude. The two things which I once thought made me a gullible person, was apparently the driving force for my motivation, which as studies show, can be further cultivated through prayer and remembrance of God.
--
MY FINAL TAKE: Before you grab those other self-help titles, consider this one for a change! It may be the only one you will ever need to buy ;)
January 30, 2019
My Opinion / Mi Opinión
As a disclaimer, I listened to the audiobook version of this book; and even though I don't have any complaints about the audio recording or the voice actor, I must admit that I would recommend you to get this book in a physical format. Mainly because the arguments that support the authors reasoning are heavily based on research and statistics.
From this book I learned quite a bit about human behavior and the role of emotions in it. Particularly the chapters about compassion and pride were enlightening. I also liked the way the author presented each subject, starting from a very general and almost popular belief, to deepening with clinical or scientific reasoning.
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Es importante saber que este título lo leí en formato audiolibro; y pese a que no tengo ninguna queja con respecto al audio o la voz del actor, debo admitir que recomendaría a la gente leer este libro en formato físico. Principalmente porque los argumentos que soportan los razonamientos del autor están fuertemente basados en investigaciones y estadísticas.
De este libro aprendí bastante sobre comportamiento humano y el rol de las emociones en éste. Particularmente los capítulos sobre compasión y orgullo fueron enclarecedores. También me gustó la forma en que el autor presentó cada tema, partiendo desde lo más general y casi desde el conocimiento popular, hasta profundizar con razonamiento clínico o científico.
As a disclaimer, I listened to the audiobook version of this book; and even though I don't have any complaints about the audio recording or the voice actor, I must admit that I would recommend you to get this book in a physical format. Mainly because the arguments that support the authors reasoning are heavily based on research and statistics.
From this book I learned quite a bit about human behavior and the role of emotions in it. Particularly the chapters about compassion and pride were enlightening. I also liked the way the author presented each subject, starting from a very general and almost popular belief, to deepening with clinical or scientific reasoning.
________________________________________________________________________________
Es importante saber que este título lo leí en formato audiolibro; y pese a que no tengo ninguna queja con respecto al audio o la voz del actor, debo admitir que recomendaría a la gente leer este libro en formato físico. Principalmente porque los argumentos que soportan los razonamientos del autor están fuertemente basados en investigaciones y estadísticas.
De este libro aprendí bastante sobre comportamiento humano y el rol de las emociones en éste. Particularmente los capítulos sobre compasión y orgullo fueron enclarecedores. También me gustó la forma en que el autor presentó cada tema, partiendo desde lo más general y casi desde el conocimiento popular, hasta profundizar con razonamiento clínico o científico.
December 26, 2025
Much advice on achieving challenging goals emphasizes grit, willpower, or more generally, Executive Function. This can be a challenge: willpower is hard on mental resources, and putting aside immediate results in favor of long-term goals requires ignoring the present in favor of the future. DeSteno explains that there is another way. You can leverage emotions such as gratitude, pride, and compassion to build the perseverance you need to achieve your goals.
The key idea is that gratitude, pride, and compassion all have forward-looking elements that operate at both personal and group levels. For example, on a personal level, considering what you have to be grateful for can motivate you to put effort into a task that supports those things. On a group level, appreciating someone’s help might incline them to work better (and more likely to help you in the future). This isn’t to say that you should take a mercenary approach to showing appreciation; sincerity matters. But the added benefits may encourage you to make the effort to express gratitude.
Facility with these emotions also helps you to succeed by enabling resilience, both personally, by helping to keep you motivated, and communally, by creating a support network when you face challenges.
Emotional Success is an excellent counterpoint to the arguments about the supremacy of Executive Function and Grit for success. Read this for yourself and for people you lead and support, in all aspects of your life.
The key idea is that gratitude, pride, and compassion all have forward-looking elements that operate at both personal and group levels. For example, on a personal level, considering what you have to be grateful for can motivate you to put effort into a task that supports those things. On a group level, appreciating someone’s help might incline them to work better (and more likely to help you in the future). This isn’t to say that you should take a mercenary approach to showing appreciation; sincerity matters. But the added benefits may encourage you to make the effort to express gratitude.
Facility with these emotions also helps you to succeed by enabling resilience, both personally, by helping to keep you motivated, and communally, by creating a support network when you face challenges.
Emotional Success is an excellent counterpoint to the arguments about the supremacy of Executive Function and Grit for success. Read this for yourself and for people you lead and support, in all aspects of your life.
December 22, 2017
DeSteno (psychology, Northeastern Univ.; The Truth About Trust) posits that attributes of pride, compassion, and gratitude are even more powerful than the popular concepts of willpower and grit to succeed. Living with short-term goals, poor self-control, and the desire for immediate gratification is familiar to many. These are common habits even for people who are pursuing a more meaningful life. What inhibits people from achieving their pursuits is the subject of DeSteno's psychological examination of the roles emotions play in the process.
The author presents an emotional toolbox comprised of gratitude, pride, and compassion that is tested and shown to be pivotal in changing behaviors that address social and emotional needs. The premise is to use emotions, rather than overcome them, to guide good decisions. Adopting these tools long-term provides the benefits of reinforcing success goals, combatting loneliness, and improving health. The author suggests that society as a whole will become better when individuals have a strong social base, strong physical health, and a life filled with meaning. The numerous studies included bog the work down somewhat. These studies are firmly grounded in science and stimulate new thought for creating positive social and emotional change.
Note: this review was prepared for Library Journal.
The author presents an emotional toolbox comprised of gratitude, pride, and compassion that is tested and shown to be pivotal in changing behaviors that address social and emotional needs. The premise is to use emotions, rather than overcome them, to guide good decisions. Adopting these tools long-term provides the benefits of reinforcing success goals, combatting loneliness, and improving health. The author suggests that society as a whole will become better when individuals have a strong social base, strong physical health, and a life filled with meaning. The numerous studies included bog the work down somewhat. These studies are firmly grounded in science and stimulate new thought for creating positive social and emotional change.
Note: this review was prepared for Library Journal.
September 11, 2020
Great read, great book, and the thing that caused me to rate it 3-4 stars is that it over extends its thesis into a political realm and mass societal realm. The way it constructs it’s cultural technology of Gratitude, Compassion, and Pride as personal tools we can better use to develop our self-control is wonderful and very helpful.
At the same time I think the text goes a bit far in the implications of the cultural technologies it explains and constructs which honest made me tune out. Mass societal implications are far too flowery and fall flat. Had the book stayed in the realm of the personal and the interpersonal and not societal/political (or at least had pulled back slightly) I feel as if the text would have been stronger and more coherent. Not that the book was weak; rather, it went beyond the reason I was first excited about reading the text. The book went into topics and ideas I felt it went out of its way to touch upon just so it could say it did, leaving itself open to attack and redirecting its audience to ideas and arguments irrelevant to the main thesis and goal of the book. I feel like the book could have been shorter and cut out much of it’s more utopian sub-points is what I’m getting at.
Would still read again, and recommend. With a caveat.
At the same time I think the text goes a bit far in the implications of the cultural technologies it explains and constructs which honest made me tune out. Mass societal implications are far too flowery and fall flat. Had the book stayed in the realm of the personal and the interpersonal and not societal/political (or at least had pulled back slightly) I feel as if the text would have been stronger and more coherent. Not that the book was weak; rather, it went beyond the reason I was first excited about reading the text. The book went into topics and ideas I felt it went out of its way to touch upon just so it could say it did, leaving itself open to attack and redirecting its audience to ideas and arguments irrelevant to the main thesis and goal of the book. I feel like the book could have been shorter and cut out much of it’s more utopian sub-points is what I’m getting at.
Would still read again, and recommend. With a caveat.
January 28, 2019
Emotional Success: The Power of Gratitude, Compassion, and Pride by David DeSteno is a book about how to achieve long-lasting and sustainable perseverance and persistence towards personal goals through the cultivation of three primary emotions: gratitude, compassion, and pride. DeSteno’s thesis is that too often we exhaust ourselves trying to achieve our goals and objectives because we over-utilize short-term cognitive mechanisms rather than long-term emotional motivators. DeSteno’s primary argument toward this end is that as social creatures we’ve evolved to seek out and establish ourselves as valuable contributors to our social neighborhood and that nature has empowered us with a set of emotional tools to achieve this end. DeSteno presents an abundance of modern academic research supporting his views on the topic. The biggest downside of Emotional Success is that while it presents a strong case towards emotions as a tool for achievement, it ignores all opposition research and lacks case studies where these emotions have been fruitfully employed. Emotional Success is a worthwhile read for anyone looking for new ways to achieve their long-term goals.
November 24, 2021
This is a great book! Have you heard of the marshmallow test? This test is a measure of your ability to delay gratification. I knew of this psychology experiment but I was unaware that the ability to delay gratification effects so many areas of our lives and our wellness.
I read Angela Duckworth's ground breaking research on what she termed "Grit"...but I was unaware that grit pretty much boils down to the ability to delay gratification. The ability to persevere in the face of hard things is completely dependent on your ability to delay gratification.
The big disappointment I had with Angela Duckworth's book "Grit: The Power of Passion and Perseverance" was that Angela had no idea how to increase your Grit. Her book sold you on the importance of Grit for success in life but left you clueless as to how to get more of it. That was frustrating!
This is the first book I've read that will give you research backed, data backed techniques for significantly improving your Grit. I was so surprised that this turns out to be nurturing your ability to feel and express Gratitude, Compassion and Pride!? You must be kidding me...but no...David DeSteno walks you through numerous experiments in each of these areas that demonstrate the amazing power of these three positive emotions to dramatically increase your grit.
In the first part of the book DeSteno discusses the problems with the two primary "go to" mechanisms for self control: Will Power and Habits. Will power is a limited resource...we only get so much of it each day...and when it's gone, it's gone...usually long before the day is over. Will power usually lets you down when you need it the most. Exercising will power is also stressful and incurs all the negative consequences of stress. Habits work great...much better than will power. James Clears book "Atomic Habits" has great insight on how to harness the power of habits. The only drawback with habits is that they focus in narrowly on very specific behaviors.
In the next three sections of the book DeSteno introduces you to the power of Gratitude, Compassion and Pride. These three positive emotions are each capable of starting upward spirals in your life and generate self sustaining power that can dramatically increase your grit with no stress and associated bad side effects. How great is that? It's awesome!
Better yet in each of these three areas DeSteno lists techniques and exercises you can implement in your life to nurture these emotions. I love the practicality of this! In my research on emotional intelligence I've come across the power of gratitude a number of times but it was DeSteno's writing that pushed me over the edge and got me to start keeping a Gratitude Journal. I love that these techniques are so inexpensive, easy to implement and so dramatically effective.
I read Angela Duckworth's ground breaking research on what she termed "Grit"...but I was unaware that grit pretty much boils down to the ability to delay gratification. The ability to persevere in the face of hard things is completely dependent on your ability to delay gratification.
The big disappointment I had with Angela Duckworth's book "Grit: The Power of Passion and Perseverance" was that Angela had no idea how to increase your Grit. Her book sold you on the importance of Grit for success in life but left you clueless as to how to get more of it. That was frustrating!
This is the first book I've read that will give you research backed, data backed techniques for significantly improving your Grit. I was so surprised that this turns out to be nurturing your ability to feel and express Gratitude, Compassion and Pride!? You must be kidding me...but no...David DeSteno walks you through numerous experiments in each of these areas that demonstrate the amazing power of these three positive emotions to dramatically increase your grit.
In the first part of the book DeSteno discusses the problems with the two primary "go to" mechanisms for self control: Will Power and Habits. Will power is a limited resource...we only get so much of it each day...and when it's gone, it's gone...usually long before the day is over. Will power usually lets you down when you need it the most. Exercising will power is also stressful and incurs all the negative consequences of stress. Habits work great...much better than will power. James Clears book "Atomic Habits" has great insight on how to harness the power of habits. The only drawback with habits is that they focus in narrowly on very specific behaviors.
In the next three sections of the book DeSteno introduces you to the power of Gratitude, Compassion and Pride. These three positive emotions are each capable of starting upward spirals in your life and generate self sustaining power that can dramatically increase your grit with no stress and associated bad side effects. How great is that? It's awesome!
Better yet in each of these three areas DeSteno lists techniques and exercises you can implement in your life to nurture these emotions. I love the practicality of this! In my research on emotional intelligence I've come across the power of gratitude a number of times but it was DeSteno's writing that pushed me over the edge and got me to start keeping a Gratitude Journal. I love that these techniques are so inexpensive, easy to implement and so dramatically effective.
September 1, 2020
Výborná kniha o troch emóciách - vďačnosť, súcit a hrdosť. Najlepšie na knihe je, že sú tieto tri emócie skúmané ako oveľa silnejší a bezbolestnejší spôsob dosahovania úspechu v porovnaní so silnou vôľou.
Kniha obsahuje experimenty, v ktorých sa skúmalo, či tieto tri pozitívne emócie majú silnejší motivačný účinok na vytrvalosť pri ťažkých úlohách.
Výsledkom je veľmi zaujímavá vec - sila vôle ako kognitívneho nástroja pri zvládaní námahy a záťaže - v porovnaní s týmito troma emóciami bledne závisťou. Pri premáhaní sa silou vôle trpíme, cítime sa nekomfortne a postupne ju vyčerpáme.
Pri práci s vďačnosťou, hrdosťou a súcitom dokážeme podať nielen lepšie výkony, ale sme aj motivovanejší a robíme to s väčšou radosťou.
Výborná kniha, zaujímavé zistenia.
Chceš dosahovať vysoké ciele? Predstav si ako si hrdý na to čo robíš, ako budeš hrdý keď úlohu zvládneš, prežívaj vďaku za to čo dokážeš a čo si sa naučil, buď hrdý na svoje budúce ja... atď.
Kniha obsahuje experimenty, v ktorých sa skúmalo, či tieto tri pozitívne emócie majú silnejší motivačný účinok na vytrvalosť pri ťažkých úlohách.
Výsledkom je veľmi zaujímavá vec - sila vôle ako kognitívneho nástroja pri zvládaní námahy a záťaže - v porovnaní s týmito troma emóciami bledne závisťou. Pri premáhaní sa silou vôle trpíme, cítime sa nekomfortne a postupne ju vyčerpáme.
Pri práci s vďačnosťou, hrdosťou a súcitom dokážeme podať nielen lepšie výkony, ale sme aj motivovanejší a robíme to s väčšou radosťou.
Výborná kniha, zaujímavé zistenia.
Chceš dosahovať vysoké ciele? Predstav si ako si hrdý na to čo robíš, ako budeš hrdý keď úlohu zvládneš, prežívaj vďaku za to čo dokážeš a čo si sa naučil, buď hrdý na svoje budúce ja... atď.
July 7, 2021
David DeSteno is a fantastic writer and researcher, and I’m so happy that I came across his work. This is the second book of his that I’ve read, and it was fantastic. DeSteno’s thesis is that there are three primary emotions that we can use to help us to better cope with daily life and navigate the world successfully. By using gratitude, compassion, and pride, we can build better relationships with friends, family, co-workers, and others, and overall, we can be much happier. I used to have massive emotional regulation issues, so this book was a great reminder of evidence-based tools and strategies to use to keep my emotions in check. Some of this was repeat information from previous books I’ve read, but DeSteno is able to take psychological research and discuss it in a unique way. I highly recommend this book because I can’t think of one person who wouldn’t benefit from it.
January 22, 2018
I was surprised to learn that willpower (grit) is not nearly as effective in establishing improved behaviors as incorporating gratitude, compassion, and pride. I have often cut myself off from relationships in order to get stuff done; but this book is helping me reframe that impulse. Now I am couching my efforts to improve by involving others and benefiting others as my source of motivation.
One other big a-ha I had was that the original purpose of meditation was not to increase focus, that was merely a byproduct; it was to increase compassion. I will work on increasing my compassion through loving-kindness meditations more too. A book with really important implications on how to live one's life, backed by robust research.
One other big a-ha I had was that the original purpose of meditation was not to increase focus, that was merely a byproduct; it was to increase compassion. I will work on increasing my compassion through loving-kindness meditations more too. A book with really important implications on how to live one's life, backed by robust research.
February 21, 2020
The motivational power of Gratitude, Compassion and Pride. I like how Dr. DeSteno supports his theories with details of experiments carried out by psychiatrists from around the world. Proud to read about an experiment carried out by one of the professors in NUS. I'm just gonna leave what I thought was the best quote in the book here:
"Taking time to invest in others - to laugh with them, to happily surprise them, to comfort them - not only allows us to be more productive with the time we dedicate to work but also functions as a safety net in challenging times. It's also actually enjoyable in and of itself. Believe it or not, sacrificing to benefit others DOES make people happy; the human brain actually experiences it as rewarding. And what's rewarding tends to spread. "
"Taking time to invest in others - to laugh with them, to happily surprise them, to comfort them - not only allows us to be more productive with the time we dedicate to work but also functions as a safety net in challenging times. It's also actually enjoyable in and of itself. Believe it or not, sacrificing to benefit others DOES make people happy; the human brain actually experiences it as rewarding. And what's rewarding tends to spread. "
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