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Desire: Where Sex Meets Addiction
We've all felt the giddy flutter of excitement when our new lover walks into the room. Waited by the phone, changed our plans...But are we in love, or is there something darker at work? In "Desire: Where Sex Meets Addiction," Susan Cheever explores the shifting boundaries between the feelings of passion and addiction, desire and need, and she raises provocative and important questions about who we love and why.Elegantly written and thoughtfully composed, Cheever's book combines unsparing and intimate memoir, interviews and stories, hard science and psychology to explore the difference between falling in love and falling prey to an addiction. Part one defines what addiction is and how it works -- the obsession, the betrayals, the broken promises to oneself and others. Part two explores the possible causes of addiction -- is it nature or nurture, a permanent condition or a temporary derangement? Part three considers what we can do about it, including a provocative suggestion about how we describe and treat addiction, and a look at the importance of community and storytelling.
In the end, there are no easy answers. "A straight look about some crooked feelings," Desire shows us the difference between the addiction that cripples our emotions, and healthy, empowering love that enhances our lives.
In the end, there are no easy answers. "A straight look about some crooked feelings," Desire shows us the difference between the addiction that cripples our emotions, and healthy, empowering love that enhances our lives.
172 pages, Hardcover
First published January 1, 2008
9 people are currently reading
320 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 37 reviews
May 30, 2010
Dear Susan Cheever: Yeah...um, no. A few uninspired personal anecdotes of marital infidelity/serial monogamy/"open marriage," stirred idly together with some lackluster attempts at reportage, plus a goodly amount of I Tell You Gay Story about Daddy, all mingle together to produce something that's not so much genre-transgressive and innovative as it is...well, it kind of smells like feet.
It's odd because much of her writing in this book is about the excitement of writing; but other than a few lost/astray gleaming sentences that gave me false hope, there's nothing well-written about this book. It wants to be salacious and informative and elegant all at the same time, and I think it fails on all accounts. If I were her agent/publisher I would have HURLED this back across the table and said, go read Susan Faludi, Rebecca Solnit, AND Amy Irvine, and add about 200 more pages, after removing about 100 of the most boring; and then we'll talk.
I didn't expect a self-help book, or an enthralling NYery medical roundup of recent addiction research; which is good, because it certainly wasn't either of those; but even the memoir parts weren't compelling. Have I said enough bad stuff yet? I guess I have. It gets two stars only because I ached for the premise to have been fulfilled, and because I did like a couple of the Gay Stories. And because I still want to read My Name Is Bill (the research for which she devotes a chapter to, here, and discussion of his possible sex addiction) so I'm keeping hope alive.
It's odd because much of her writing in this book is about the excitement of writing; but other than a few lost/astray gleaming sentences that gave me false hope, there's nothing well-written about this book. It wants to be salacious and informative and elegant all at the same time, and I think it fails on all accounts. If I were her agent/publisher I would have HURLED this back across the table and said, go read Susan Faludi, Rebecca Solnit, AND Amy Irvine, and add about 200 more pages, after removing about 100 of the most boring; and then we'll talk.
I didn't expect a self-help book, or an enthralling NYery medical roundup of recent addiction research; which is good, because it certainly wasn't either of those; but even the memoir parts weren't compelling. Have I said enough bad stuff yet? I guess I have. It gets two stars only because I ached for the premise to have been fulfilled, and because I did like a couple of the Gay Stories. And because I still want to read My Name Is Bill (the research for which she devotes a chapter to, here, and discussion of his possible sex addiction) so I'm keeping hope alive.
October 13, 2008
There are some problems with this book -- it's repetitious in places and the argument can feel loose -- but the breadth of Cheever's premise overrides these weaknesses for me. Is this a book about sex addiction? Not quite. This is really a book about addiction in general, and it's a broad-ranging discussion. Cheever supports her point that all addictions share neurological similarities, from the little ones we can hide to the big ones that devastate lives. The drive to stir up physiological processes with new sexual and romantic conquests is thoughtfully examined. Cheever's thesis is that these syndromes may look very different, but they run on the same machinery. Sex addiction is the launch point for this discussion, and Cheever's argument that it should be considered as compassionately as alcoholism and other addictions once condemned as moral failures is well made. Is this the memoir of a sex addict? I didn't think so. The memoir sections are sparse and not always germane to the argument. But the author's personal perspective drives an empathic discussion that transcends that single topic, and might be of interest to a wide variety of readers interested in brain chemistry and human behavior.
December 3, 2011
Overall I thought this was a brave book tackling ideas that our society is not comfortable in confronting (cf. my review of "A Long Goodbye"). Anyone who has felt the slightest attraction to anything "bad" will find much to relate to in Cheever's book. She brings in a lot of great information, studies, theories, explanations, etc., that the reader can mull over.
My only complaint is that I wanted more. This is a slim book at just 148 pages. Reviews and descriptions led me to believe that Cheever would also examine her own life and her own addictions and put them in context of the bigger, more objective picture. But I wanted more about Cheever's life. I felt that I got "teased" and I finished the book not getting a clear understanding of what her addiction was and how it truly affected her. This makes sense, as she makes it clear from the beginning that this is a difficult topic to write about and that she had her children's feelings to consider. But I was left with the sense that she was holding back. I think more personal revelation would have lifted this book into "great" territory.
At times I also felt it was a little choppy. Some chapters seemed to end abruptly, and the ideas within chapters didn't always connect for me. I was expecting a bit more about sex/love/desire addiction but got quite a bit of information about alcoholism. But Cheever makes extensive use of previous studies and suggests other books, so the reader who wants more knows where to turn.
My only complaint is that I wanted more. This is a slim book at just 148 pages. Reviews and descriptions led me to believe that Cheever would also examine her own life and her own addictions and put them in context of the bigger, more objective picture. But I wanted more about Cheever's life. I felt that I got "teased" and I finished the book not getting a clear understanding of what her addiction was and how it truly affected her. This makes sense, as she makes it clear from the beginning that this is a difficult topic to write about and that she had her children's feelings to consider. But I was left with the sense that she was holding back. I think more personal revelation would have lifted this book into "great" territory.
At times I also felt it was a little choppy. Some chapters seemed to end abruptly, and the ideas within chapters didn't always connect for me. I was expecting a bit more about sex/love/desire addiction but got quite a bit of information about alcoholism. But Cheever makes extensive use of previous studies and suggests other books, so the reader who wants more knows where to turn.
December 29, 2008
Meh. Light on "hard science" and "in-depth interviews," mostly anecdotal evidence of the author's own pathologies. I learned a few things about sex addiction, but mostly I learned that being John Cheever's daughter makes you weird.
January 3, 2009
Exploring Desire and Addiction, October 5, 2008
Susan Cheever is most often mentioned as the daughter of literary great, John Cheever. However, with this book she has entered a new arena of her own. With this book, Susan has presented us with a novel that explains that sex addiction should be treated not as a failure of morality or character but as a disease of brain biochemistry resulting from a combination of genetics and life events. This is a groundbreaking effort and one that is a great read.
In 'Desire: Where Sex Meets Addiction' Susan Cheever has given us an entrance into the world of all addicts and what it means to be addicted. In the end, she says," there are no easy answers. A straight look about some crooked feelings. Desire shows us the difference between the addiction that cripples our emotions, and healthy, empowering love that enhances our lives."
In this book, we learn that Susan has been an alcoholic and a sex addict. She has detailed the conversations she had with experts in neuroscience and psychology of addictive behavior. People who are addicted to alcohol, sex and drugs share common traits. Some sort of "otherworldly suspension of will" comes over addicts, and they cannot stop themselves nor do they understand at the moment the will is not there. In fact many addicts are attracted to more than one agent. Many alcoholics smoke. Food addicts who have gained so much weight they need gastric by-pass surgery, find that after losing weight they may turn to gambling, or alcohol or sex. One addiction may lead to another. A person who has a predilection to addiction, may go for years without acting out on that addiction, and then one day, bam, it has started. There is a loss of will from the activation of similar brain pathways no matter what the fix is.
Susan Cheever shares her own story of alcoholism and sex addiction. Her three marriages, her affairs, the stories behind the stories. She also shares many stories of friends or acquaintances to provide us with a basic understanding of the humans inside these behaviors. She interviews many behavioral scientists and psychologists. Some have conflicting views and several disagree with Cheever. She dissects the scientists opinions and forms one of her own. Addicts do not have control over their behaviors. They try, but always fail. One addiction may and usually does lead to another. This may be a combination of genetic and life experiences. It leaves me with a feeling of deja vous. These wonderful people in my life have no real control over some of their behaviors and it is not until they come to an understanding and want to change these behaviors that their life may change. No amount of nagging in the world will affect this kind of change. Good to know, is it not? We all hate nags, don't we?
I found this book to be forcefully written. Susan Cheever shares her belief that sex addiction is much more accepted than alcoholism or drugs. "She says, and this is a central theme of the book, that "in our world, addiction to other people -- especially addiction to a sex partner -- is the only addiction that is applauded and embraced." But the havoc it causes to self and family is tremendous, just as it is with alcoholism and drug addiction. A thoughtful and insightful look into the area of addiction.
Highly recommended. prisrob 10-05-08
Susan Cheever is most often mentioned as the daughter of literary great, John Cheever. However, with this book she has entered a new arena of her own. With this book, Susan has presented us with a novel that explains that sex addiction should be treated not as a failure of morality or character but as a disease of brain biochemistry resulting from a combination of genetics and life events. This is a groundbreaking effort and one that is a great read.
In 'Desire: Where Sex Meets Addiction' Susan Cheever has given us an entrance into the world of all addicts and what it means to be addicted. In the end, she says," there are no easy answers. A straight look about some crooked feelings. Desire shows us the difference between the addiction that cripples our emotions, and healthy, empowering love that enhances our lives."
In this book, we learn that Susan has been an alcoholic and a sex addict. She has detailed the conversations she had with experts in neuroscience and psychology of addictive behavior. People who are addicted to alcohol, sex and drugs share common traits. Some sort of "otherworldly suspension of will" comes over addicts, and they cannot stop themselves nor do they understand at the moment the will is not there. In fact many addicts are attracted to more than one agent. Many alcoholics smoke. Food addicts who have gained so much weight they need gastric by-pass surgery, find that after losing weight they may turn to gambling, or alcohol or sex. One addiction may lead to another. A person who has a predilection to addiction, may go for years without acting out on that addiction, and then one day, bam, it has started. There is a loss of will from the activation of similar brain pathways no matter what the fix is.
Susan Cheever shares her own story of alcoholism and sex addiction. Her three marriages, her affairs, the stories behind the stories. She also shares many stories of friends or acquaintances to provide us with a basic understanding of the humans inside these behaviors. She interviews many behavioral scientists and psychologists. Some have conflicting views and several disagree with Cheever. She dissects the scientists opinions and forms one of her own. Addicts do not have control over their behaviors. They try, but always fail. One addiction may and usually does lead to another. This may be a combination of genetic and life experiences. It leaves me with a feeling of deja vous. These wonderful people in my life have no real control over some of their behaviors and it is not until they come to an understanding and want to change these behaviors that their life may change. No amount of nagging in the world will affect this kind of change. Good to know, is it not? We all hate nags, don't we?
I found this book to be forcefully written. Susan Cheever shares her belief that sex addiction is much more accepted than alcoholism or drugs. "She says, and this is a central theme of the book, that "in our world, addiction to other people -- especially addiction to a sex partner -- is the only addiction that is applauded and embraced." But the havoc it causes to self and family is tremendous, just as it is with alcoholism and drug addiction. A thoughtful and insightful look into the area of addiction.
Highly recommended. prisrob 10-05-08
March 29, 2013
Not so much a book about desire as a book about sex addiction. And not so much sex addiction, as working through her own life experiences. I'm sure it would be a thrilling read if you're a personal friend of Cheever's; as it is, it's slow, redundant, and overly-personal to be scientific, and under-personal to be a memoir.
October 8, 2008
A fascinating look at sex and love addiction. Well researched while also sharing the author's own revelations. Cheever's style is direct and simple which makes all of her work an edifying and enjoyable read.
March 3, 2010
This book was a big disappointment. It is filled with Cheever's opinions laced with quotes from sex addict experts and her own experience. There is nothing new or even freshly summarized about sex addiction. It is redundant and pompous.
May 24, 2009
Kind of like a big magazine article + a smart woman/foolish choices memoir. Two of my favorite things. I read it in about 2 hours. Fascinating and eye opening.
August 3, 2014
I read this book since I work with couples and ultimately with various types of addiction in my practice. Overall, Cheever recounts some of what's already been published regarding sexual addiction, and she does delve into addiction in general quite a bit. In fact, I learned a few things about AA and its founder Bill W.
Cheever weaves research with her own personal story, which of course had to take courage. Possibly not new but perhaps the way these were written, I liked the following insights:
• what feeds sex addiction? -- world changes, massive exposure to sexual stimulus (according to Patrick Carnes), the Internet, our shift to a nomadic/anonymous society and of course the end of community being the center of life as we'd known it over the decades
• interesting contradiction -- that most states make couples wait at least one year before deciding to divorce, but they only mandate a few hours before these same two people wish to marry, thus the author questions this "rush to the altar" given that in the beginning stages of the relationship it is indeed highly charged -- if couples waited, they might pass the test of whether their relationship had the kind of connection upon which to build a life
• substituting addictions (what Carnes calls bargaining chaos) is almost inevitable -- and the author mentions how patients who have had bariatric surgery to reduce their addiction to food often acquire new behaviors such as gambling, smoking, compulsive shopping, alcoholism or other problems once they're no longer addicted to eating -- citing New York Times Sunday Magazine report
This is a short read so if you're interested in the subject it could serve as a launch to more detailed research. Some of what the author states we all intuitively know, but as a writer, authors often must present such. One of these sad facts is that sex addiction -- though this is not an official diagnosis and the author may have pursued this in the book -- causes a huge amount of collateral damage to all concerned.
Cheever weaves research with her own personal story, which of course had to take courage. Possibly not new but perhaps the way these were written, I liked the following insights:
• what feeds sex addiction? -- world changes, massive exposure to sexual stimulus (according to Patrick Carnes), the Internet, our shift to a nomadic/anonymous society and of course the end of community being the center of life as we'd known it over the decades
• interesting contradiction -- that most states make couples wait at least one year before deciding to divorce, but they only mandate a few hours before these same two people wish to marry, thus the author questions this "rush to the altar" given that in the beginning stages of the relationship it is indeed highly charged -- if couples waited, they might pass the test of whether their relationship had the kind of connection upon which to build a life
• substituting addictions (what Carnes calls bargaining chaos) is almost inevitable -- and the author mentions how patients who have had bariatric surgery to reduce their addiction to food often acquire new behaviors such as gambling, smoking, compulsive shopping, alcoholism or other problems once they're no longer addicted to eating -- citing New York Times Sunday Magazine report
This is a short read so if you're interested in the subject it could serve as a launch to more detailed research. Some of what the author states we all intuitively know, but as a writer, authors often must present such. One of these sad facts is that sex addiction -- though this is not an official diagnosis and the author may have pursued this in the book -- causes a huge amount of collateral damage to all concerned.
January 28, 2010
I found this book while browsing my library's new books a few weeks ago. I did like the cover, and the synopsis was rather intriguing.
Cheever opens the book by talking about her third wedding. And how they cheated on their then-spouses sleeping with each other when they first met. How they agreed their relationship was open. Not just in the sense that they were married to other people so duh, but their love would survive having to sleep with other people. o_O It took me a while to return to this book since it left a bad taste in my mouth, besides focusing on other library material and school books.
The writing in this book is a bit scattered. She mixes personal anecdotes with stories about other people she knew and references from other books about addictions in general, and addictions to sex. Sometimes I found it hard to find relevance or keep track of chronology. It's an okay book, but definitely not a "buy for yourself" book. As I read along, I grudgingly gained some admiration for her honesty.
Oh, right. It was really interesting to learn about the history of AA and the founder of it. I didn't know anything about AA besides it is for alcoholics and it's suppose to be anonymous, and there are 12 steps involved, with a mentoring system. Definitely opened my eyes to some things.
Cheever opens the book by talking about her third wedding. And how they cheated on their then-spouses sleeping with each other when they first met. How they agreed their relationship was open. Not just in the sense that they were married to other people so duh, but their love would survive having to sleep with other people. o_O It took me a while to return to this book since it left a bad taste in my mouth, besides focusing on other library material and school books.
The writing in this book is a bit scattered. She mixes personal anecdotes with stories about other people she knew and references from other books about addictions in general, and addictions to sex. Sometimes I found it hard to find relevance or keep track of chronology. It's an okay book, but definitely not a "buy for yourself" book. As I read along, I grudgingly gained some admiration for her honesty.
Oh, right. It was really interesting to learn about the history of AA and the founder of it. I didn't know anything about AA besides it is for alcoholics and it's suppose to be anonymous, and there are 12 steps involved, with a mentoring system. Definitely opened my eyes to some things.
November 20, 2014
I appreciated the candor with which Cheever shared her own personal history of acting out, and her family's history of addiction. I also appreciated the way that she tried to present all the various lines of study and theories about why people become addicts, and how it can be treated. To a fair degree, Cheever does a solid job of presenting the case of the sex and love addict with compassion and in terms that hopefully would enlighten a non-addict.
However, I would have liked to have heard more self-examination from Cheever. While is is great at pointing out all the times she lapsed and acted out, I don't have much insight into precisely what she did, if anything other than separation and white-knuckling, to get clean and sober from her addiction to sex, and to alcohol. Did she use the Twelve Steps? Did she rely on therapy? Cheever says herself that, "The powerlessness of insight, the uselessness of understanding, is one of the things that make recovery from addiction so difficult." This book would have been much better had she explained a little bit more about her journey to recovery.
However, I would have liked to have heard more self-examination from Cheever. While is is great at pointing out all the times she lapsed and acted out, I don't have much insight into precisely what she did, if anything other than separation and white-knuckling, to get clean and sober from her addiction to sex, and to alcohol. Did she use the Twelve Steps? Did she rely on therapy? Cheever says herself that, "The powerlessness of insight, the uselessness of understanding, is one of the things that make recovery from addiction so difficult." This book would have been much better had she explained a little bit more about her journey to recovery.
December 4, 2008
Cheever delves into addiction research and successfully melds it with her own life story in her new book about desire. She had already done a good bit of research on her book about Bill Wilson, the founder of AA. Here she goes into the issue of "thirteen stepping", the practice of forming sexual relationships with those new to recovery. Apparently Bill went from alcohol to women, and asked for a whiskey numerous times while on his death bed. Interesting! I don't know that I learned anything profoundly life-changing, but the problem of using people as substances is certainly worthwhile for consideration. Cheever: "Few of us want to drink too much or become drug addicts or rack up unmanageable credit card debt, but most of us want to fall in love."
September 26, 2012
Perhaps another reason why I haven’t posted is because I haven’t been very inspired by what I’m reading. I just finished Susan Cheever’s Desire: Where Sex Meets Addiction, and found it uninspired. The topic is fascinating, but they way in which the book was put together didn’t do much for me. Cheever interweaves her own personal stories with addiction with a deeper look into the many definitions of addiction and how our society views it. She also wrote about the causes of addiction and the treatment, which you’d think would be interesting, but was not. Maybe I’m being negative, but I wouldn’t recommend this book. It’s the kind of book where you read a few pages and a minute later can’t recall any of the content. It just doesn’t sink in.
February 25, 2016
Cheever's entry point concerns sex addiction but she really writes about addiction in general--addictive behavior and additive substances. I value her honesty, her research, her candidness.
I once played a part in a play in which the character constantly referenced a desire to eat turkey. I saw that character's language as figurative references for sexual contact with his wife (the part was Old Man Parker--the father--in "A Christmas Story"). Having read this now, however, I see my own tendencies for addictive behaviors in my own life. Reading this has given me greater insight into my own motives and actions as well as a respect for what each of us struggles with day-by-day.
I once played a part in a play in which the character constantly referenced a desire to eat turkey. I saw that character's language as figurative references for sexual contact with his wife (the part was Old Man Parker--the father--in "A Christmas Story"). Having read this now, however, I see my own tendencies for addictive behaviors in my own life. Reading this has given me greater insight into my own motives and actions as well as a respect for what each of us struggles with day-by-day.
January 11, 2009
I don't have sex addiction but I might have love addiction and she had some of the same questions that I do about it all. She heavily researched the subject and brought up a lot of Helen Fisher's findings about the brain on love being a lot like the brain on drugs. Is your beautiful magical relationship, love or addiction? Her answer was it could be both which I liked. On top of all that, I really liked her writing style that is honest and insightful and it made me want to read all of her books.
June 30, 2009
“Desire: Where Sex Meets Addiction” leaves more to be desired.
This book is a perfect example of why you should not judge the book by its cover. The cover is fetching (designed by my cousin), the title is even catchier, yet the content falls short of being engaging. This book is filled with anecdotal evidence and personal experiences, which provide no specific insight into the sex addiction. The few interesting points about addiction in general are better suited for a long magazine essay than a memoir of author’s own infidelities
This book is a perfect example of why you should not judge the book by its cover. The cover is fetching (designed by my cousin), the title is even catchier, yet the content falls short of being engaging. This book is filled with anecdotal evidence and personal experiences, which provide no specific insight into the sex addiction. The few interesting points about addiction in general are better suited for a long magazine essay than a memoir of author’s own infidelities
February 13, 2012
I got this book from a roommate who was telling me about the sacred ritual aspect of boning and the addiction aspect. I am basically not interested and cannot relate. So, well, if you can relate, this would probably be good. The writer talks a lot about being ashamed to write the book, which is interesting and weird because the whole topic feels very current. I bet this is very helpful for someone if it is relevant, I feel like I am in a foreign land where all of my fears are real. So. There you go.
May 5, 2013
I wish the subtitle wasnt about sex addiction. I wonder how many people pass this book by thinking it's about people who want to do it to everything that moves?
This book is not about that -- its about"codependency". It's about people who "need" love, it's about that incredibly vulnerable place inside people that wants to be with another person, and the real struggles involved in getting that right, the misplaced emotions with it all. This was a pretty painful but a truly brave book.
This book is not about that -- its about"codependency". It's about people who "need" love, it's about that incredibly vulnerable place inside people that wants to be with another person, and the real struggles involved in getting that right, the misplaced emotions with it all. This was a pretty painful but a truly brave book.
Read
January 15, 2009I didn't have time to finish this, as the waiting list is long. I read probably the first half of it, and while interesting, it was not engaging enough for me to finish.
What's most compelling is that Cheever talks about sex addiction and monogamy and is not a faithful person by her own admission.
What's most compelling is that Cheever talks about sex addiction and monogamy and is not a faithful person by her own admission.
December 28, 2008
Poorly written and organized. Insightful gems include pointing out that one is more likely to be a sex addict if one were raised in a bordello than if one grew up in a small town where sexual promiscuity was frowned upon. Ya think?
You'd think a book about sex addiction would be titillating and exciting. Not in Cheever's hands.
You'd think a book about sex addiction would be titillating and exciting. Not in Cheever's hands.
June 7, 2009
c2008
the female version of the patrick carnes version of sex addiction
they recognise the occurance of the trance but don't seem to know what to do with it
very focused on fidelity, not very focused on personal developement
the female version of the patrick carnes version of sex addiction
they recognise the occurance of the trance but don't seem to know what to do with it
very focused on fidelity, not very focused on personal developement
October 31, 2008
Maybe I'm just jealous.
January 7, 2009
This is an interesting read. More about addiction in general.
Currently reading
January 11, 2009i known about sex and love
January 23, 2009
not totally coherent (ideas flow sort of inexplicably) but makes excellent points about modern partnerships and desire and addiction
August 26, 2009
This was really boring. How disappointing is that?
July 27, 2010
Not so much, so far. Trying to see if she ever learns to apply pp68-70.
Read
August 7, 2011Learning how one delineates normal people from addicts.
February 9, 2012
No study of PTSD or of it's frequent companions, alcoholic and drug inspired violence is really complete without a better understanding of sex mania.
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