We Do: Saying Yes to a Relationship of Depth, True Connection, and Enduring Love

by Stan Tatkin

"If you and your prospective partner adopt the principles and skills I describe here, your relationship will be successful―not just for starters, but for the long run."

An indispensable guide for any couple ready to set the foundation for a loving and lasting union

Committing fully to a loving partnership―a "we"―can be one of the most beautiful and fulfilling experiences you’ll ever have. Yet as anyone in a long-term relationship will tell you, it can also be one of the most challenging. Almost half of all first marriages end in divorce, and chances go down from there. So how do you beat the odds?

"All successful long-term relationships are secure relationships," writes psychotherapist Stan Tatkin. "You and your partner take care of each other in a way that ensures you both feel safe, protected, accepted, and secure at all times."

In We Do, Tatkin provides a groundbreaking guide for couples. You’ll figure out whether you and your partner are right for each other in the long term, and if so, give your relationship a strong foundation so you can enjoy a secure and lasting love. Highlights


Create a shared vision for your relationship, the key to a strong foundation
• It’s all about prevention―learn tools and techniques for preventing problems before they occur
• Understand how to work with the psychological and biological influences in your relationship―neuroscience, arousal regulation, attachment theory, and more
• Numerous case studies with helpful examples of healthy and unhealthy interactions, sample dialogues, and reflections
• Dozens of exercises―the newlywed game, reading facial expressions, and many more fun and serious practices to develop intimacy and security
• Handling conflict―how to broker win-win outcomes
• Build a loving relationship that helps you thrive and grow as both individuals and a couple

Common interests, physical attraction, shared values, and good communication skills are the factors most commonly thought to indicate a good partnership. Yet surprisingly, current research reveals that these are only a small part of what makes for a healthy marriage―much more important are psychological and biological influences. With We Do, you’ll learn to navigate these elements and more, giving your relationship the best possible chance to succeed.

Genres: Relationships, Psychology, Nonfiction, Self Help, Communication, Marriage, Audiobook

224 pages, Paperback

Published December 1, 2018

About the author

Stan Tatkin, PsyD, MFT, is a clinician, teacher, and developer of A Psychobiological Approach to Couple Therapy® (PACT). He has a clinical practice in Calabasas, CA, where he has specialized for the last 15 years in working with couples and individuals who wish to be in relationships. He and his wife, Tracey Boldemann-Tatkin, developed the PACT Institute for the purpose of training other psychotherapists to use this method in their clinical practice.

Reviews

[Lorena · Rating 5 out of 5]

Stan Tatkin wrote this book to help couples learn how to have healthy, securely functioning relationships. Although it’s primarily intended to help couples prepare for marriage or a similar commitment and prevent problems from occurring later, most of the book would be relevant for anyone in any stage of relationship. He mentions that the same techniques can be used in open or polyamorous relationships, although the focus here is on dyads in committed relationships. The examples include couples of different genders and sexual orientations, which was nice to see.

This book includes the best description of attachment styles I’ve ever read. If you read the profile of Anchors (secure), Islands (insecure-avoidant), and Waves (insecure-anxious), you will likely be able to determine your primary attachment strategy. There is some helpful discussion of how attachment strategies can change depending on your partner’s style, and also a very brief discussion of the disorganized style that can result from unresolved trauma. I wish he had provided just a bit more information about the disorganized style.

The book was easy to read with a nice mix of research-backed discussion (citations provided in the endnotes), case studies, and exercises. I especially appreciated the discussion of issues such as hypersexuality, sexual avoidance (which is a difficulty tolerating intimacy), and sensory aversions.

I recommend this book for anyone interested in improving their romantic relationships.

I was provided an unproofed ARC through NetGalley that I volunteered to review. Because I have not seen the final published version, I cannot comment on the final editing and formatting.

[Halley Todd · Rating 3 out of 5]

Some helpful advice. Tad repetitive. Decent exercises to do with partner. Just felt at times he was dismissive of out of norm relationships, and also did not always do a good job of citing sources and stats (such as his marriage stat in the beginning).

[Evrigon · Rating 2 out of 5]

İnsanları “tip”lere bölüp, sonra bu tiplerin olası ilişkileri üzerinden sonuçlar çıkaran zayıf bir kitap. Belli bir disipline bağlı değil ve yazarın bazı seanslarda işe yaradığını düşündüğü krizleri kitaba aldığını görüyoruz. Ancak bu çözümler de ikna edici değil. Evrimsel psikolojiyle, psikanalizi aynı kazanda kaynatmaya çalışan, kafası karışık bir psikoterapist var karşınızda. İlgi çekiciliği kağıt üstünde olan ve muhtemelen öyle de kalacak olan bir kitap.

[Kurtlu · Rating 4 out of 5]

Çiftlerle çalışan bir terapistseniz ya da bir partneriniz varsa bu kitap işinize yarayacaktır. Stan Tatkin, bol vaka örnekli tatlı diliyle ilişkileri farklı boyutlar açısından ele alarak nasıl yürütebileceğimizi anlatıyor. Hatta özellikle bu kitabı çiftlerin birlikte okumasını istiyor, ki partnerlerin birbirlerini anlayıp ilişkilerini geliştirebilecekleri çok sayıda uygulamadan yararlanılabilsin. Yazarın kitapta yöntemsel olarak güttüğü amaç: çiftlerin birbirlerini dış etkenlerden ve birbirlerinden koruyarak içsel sistemlerini başarılı bir şekilde sürdürmelerini sağlamak. Doyum sağlayan uzun ömürlü bir ilişki için boş tavsiyelerden çok işlevsel girişimlere ihtiyacım var diyenlere seve seve öneririm.

[Ann T · Rating 4 out of 5]

Thank you Stan Tatkin and Netgalley for an ARC of this book.

This book was initially aimed at those entering into marriage or a serious commitment but it is highly beneficial to any romantic relationship that you care for.
The writing style is easy and engaging and I found myself nodding along as I read and having many aha moments. I thank you for this valuable book and ensuring that, no matter what stage or age of your relationship you nurture the WE above all.

Thank you for this ARC in return of my honest review.
I highly recommend this book.

[Dexter · Rating 4 out of 5]

I thought the advice about relationships was good and I’d recommend this book to people who are about to get deeper into a relationship. However, I thought the authors focus on seeing the other’s eyes was a difficult one for me with my Korean upbringing and what it means to stare at someone’s eyes.

[Stephanie Hatfield · Rating 4 out of 5]

I loved reading and talking through this book with my partner. We took our time and read a few pages a week over the course of a year and had so many great and important conversations. I admit that many parts are a little cheesy, but I highly recommend this book for couples!

[scott · Rating 5 out of 5]

If only we’d read this book a year ago

[Fermin Quant · Rating 2 out of 5]

My wife and I started reading this book as a recommendation, but after about 2 chapters we both kind of lost interest. After leaving it for several months, I restarted reading it but it just didn't capture me in any way.
The book is not bad per se, but I don't really like the way it is written. It seems to be a bloated book. There are many references to the author's other books, you know conspicuously obvious self-propaganda. Also, each chapter could be one item in a list, and things are not really so deep to require so much description and nuance. The advice within is not bad, but not life changing either. The intro also says the book is based on science backed facts, but I hardly ever saw any references, and no science is ever explicitly mentioned, much less explained and analyzed and challenged, all statements are stated as irrefutable facts.

I think it is not worth your time reading it, so I abandoned it.

[SGK · Rating 4 out of 5]

Very thorough review of neuroscience & attachment styles and the ways these show up in relationship. Clear guidelines for ways to commit to secure functioning in relationship. Certain chapters could definitely be longer and more detailed and feel like afterthoughts- chapters on deal breakers, money, sex, etc. These could definitely be fleshed out or made into an additional book. There is very little discussion in the book of diversity issues around gender, sexual orientation, race/ethnicity, etc. It would be nice to see future books give vignettes of couples that are navigating challenges around intersectional oppression and some more modern topics. More inclusion of poly couples, and other types of non heteronormative couplings would also make the text feel more modern. In addition, while sexual trauma hx is mentioned, there isn’t much about how couples impacted can navigate this. More info on this topic would be helpful for couples and clinician.s

[seth · Rating 5 out of 5]

if you are looking for a relationship book full of stuff about soulmates or how love is unconditional, look elsewhere, but if you are looking for really practical advice about how to maintain your committed relationship in ways that are logical, down to earth, and smart, check this book out. tatkin openly gives you his framework and values early on and if it doesn’t appeal to you do not waste your time, but i think lots of what he offers is helpful, especially for younger people looking to understand what it means to make committed relationships work in our current moment. i loved this book and thought that his ideas were easy to understand/important. warning: he is not a fan of open relationships so if you are in an open relationship this might not be the book for you since he is really passionate about couples and their ability to work on things as a sole unit. otherwise, great!

[Zarathustra Goertzel · Rating 4 out of 5]

I really like the cute, grounded perspectives offered by Stan Tatkin in his relationship books. The crux focuses on this idea of treating our relationship as its own entity and operating from this place rather than as an individual trying to meet one's own needs from the relationship. When with a shared vision as to what the relationship means to you, capable of providing relief and support, one will be able to thrive as well as possible :- ).

Stan included caveats as to threats to one's safety, fundamental lack of trust, etc.: put the book down and leave the relationship. This was the major critique of one of his older books, not mentioning that the advice discussed is primarily for trusting couples who are safe with each other and that trying to trust further someone who will harm one is ill-advised.

[Andy Bigley · Rating 4 out of 5]

If you’ve read Tatkin’s books, I think you’ll enjoy this one as well. He revisits some of his previous work (namely attachment styles) and works them into new material. Some of the book is geared towards couples in the start of their relationships yet all the practical applications can be completed by everyone. If you think you’re too far along and that an exercise doesn’t apply to you, you might want to give pause and reconsider. After all, you’re reading the book to help yourself and your relationship, right? All-in-all, I found this book to be a fairly short and to the point resource to help remind me to seek secure attachment strategies in my marriage.

[Niko · Rating 5 out of 5]

My partner and I read this aloud together for the past several months and we loved it. We are big Stan Tatkin fans, so perhaps biased. Can't recommend this book enough, and this approach to lasting long term relationships. Some of the anecdotes he includes seem unrealistic, and like all of his books, he can get repetitive, but I don't mind this stuff getting hammered into my brain. His vocabulary around attachment styles (wave/island/anchor), and arousal styles (submarine/plane) have really helped my fiance and I to have a common language to understand ourselves and each other. We've definitely become better partners and people thanks to Stan Tatkin's work!

[Jeremy Moot · Rating 4 out of 5]

3.7⭐
I appreciated the practical exercises. My only concern/curiosity is how effective engaged exercises like that will play out in real life. As a couples therapist I continue to see couples take suggestions, but not follow through AND I feel like I'm offering simple suggestions often. I wonder how well these enhanced suggestions play out without the therapist there to guide and see thru the full process. I do feel the challenge, however, to be more open to suggesting more. I'll edit the review if I have a solid update about practicing more of this with my own partner but also with my clients.

[ArtotheEm · Rating 3 out of 5]

Really struggled with 2 vs 3 stars on this one. Stan has a lot of really good, juicy, honestly life-changing ideas - but I wouldn't say this book is necessarily the best way to receive them. The writing is clunky and it was a bit of a struggle to get through. I'd definitely recommend Stan's audible "Your Brain on Love" over this, while noting that We Do does have more in-depth, practical stuff for people who are currently partnered. The exercises for partners to complete together are excellent, for instance.

[Nicole · Rating 5 out of 5]

I think this is a wonderful book for partners to read if they are hoping to commit to each other longterm. It's very in depth and helps to honestly address various issues that impact relationships. I really appreciated the chapter with more information on how to fight well. I love Stan Tatkin's work. I've read 4 of his books to date. I definitely intend to read them with my next partner. I don't agree with every point he makes (e.g., "never schedule sex"), but I definitely agree with most of them!

[Tracy · Rating 5 out of 5]

A great book for couples in a long term commitment. It contains great relationship information as well as questions to consider and exercises to complete. The intention is that both partners read the book at the same time to ensure they are on the same wavelength about relationships and to have discussions along the way. I highly recommend this book if you and your partner and considering marriage.

[Christina McCarty · Rating 4 out of 5]

A great book to secure functioning, traditionally monogamous relationships. I didn’t agree with absolutely everything, but I plan on having my partner read it and do the exercises together. I think it’s got great advice, even if some of the “issues” the couples deal with are insane haha. Fighting over where to go on vacation? Pissed off over not being given the “right car” as a gift? Who does that? Besides that, it’s pretty solid.

[Seinka · Rating 4 out of 5]

3.5 because some chapters were not so interesting. Some very insightful aspects such as the attachment theories, the way how the brain works in threatening situations, the errors in communication, the biosphere of relationships, and most importantly that a relationship is conditional love. Unconditional love is reserved for kids and animals lol. It shows again that a successful relationship depends on maturity and one’s ability to be egoless.

[Zaven · Rating 4 out of 5]

Some solid relationship advice centering around the idea that a couple can and must operate from a secure functioning foundation - a bubble of absolute trust and security - in order for the individuals and relationship to thrive. Plenty of practical advice on how to argue, dealing with “thirds”, and how to manage and maintain contact and intimacy on a daily basis.

Useful shorthand is used for attachment styles.

[Megan · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book is supposed to be read at the beginning of your relationship, so I'm 16 years late. However, it still had some valuable insights that I can incorporate now. I especially appreciated the chapter about attachment styles and how that affects your adult relationships. In addition, I appreciated the suggestions on how to fight in a better, healthier way.

[Natalie · Rating 4 out of 5]

Read on the recommendation of my therapist.

Islands (avoidant), waves (anxious) and secure people. That chapter was worth rereading. Made me reflect a lot on my attachment styles to the different caretakers I had as a child. Nadia, mom, russian fam and how some of those types of styles reemerge and affect my relationships today.

[Nick · Rating 5 out of 5]

The best book on relationships I've ever read. Some of the terminology is a little fanciful, but Stan's basic explanation of what relationships are for, how they work, and what they need to succeed is so compelling, that I was happy to learn all about Islands, Waves and Anchors. Read this book and get to work. And good luck to you -- you can do it!

[Jeff Hennore · Rating 5 out of 5]

I’ve read a ton of Tatkin’s books on relationships, and this is his best one yet. He gives guidance in bettering one’s relationship without providing fillers that make the content redundant. Whether one is dating, engaged, or married, they would do well in studying this book often, especially with their partner. Thanks, Tatkin!

[Jason Polk · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a solid book. Designed for couples before they get married. I appreciated some of his newer thoughts on the triad: memory, perception, and emotion. As always great science on the human animal — as he says.

[Ada Andrist · Rating 5 out of 5]

Genuine and clear

I chose this book as a clinician and found it to be as compelling to me personally. Although I have been married for 45 years, I am still learning how to love effectively. This book helped me in both areas of !y life.

[Danielle · Rating 4 out of 5]

A useful guide to review your relationship - whether you're thinking about marriage or not, there is good advice on what behaviour to build and nurtue in a committed relationship. By looking at both the good case studies and the red flags, it also suggests what may be issues.

[Yle · Rating 2 out of 5]

Such a privileged read - that it was hard to stay present. Would love to see the marriage and relationship worlds expand… way more than they are now. But also I probably just am not looking in the right places. Open to suggestions.

[Melissa Niemie-Nathan · Rating 3 out of 5]

3.5 ⭐️