What the Dogs Have Taught Me: And Other Amazing Things I've Learned

by Merrill Markoe

Award-winning comedy writer Merrill Markoe, the slightly warped mind behind Stupid Pet Tricks , is an old hand with dogs. She knows who’s boss (they are) and the myriad ways a loving pet can make you feel guilty twenty-four hours a day. This new edition of Merrill Markoe’s classic collection of humorous essays gives readers the choicest selections along with brand-new material.

In these razor-sharp essays, Markoe recounts her dogs’ phone chats with animal communicators, her search for past lives, and her brief stint as a stun gun saleswoman. She describes the workshop that taught her how to launch an Internet porn business and another that gave proper instruction in the esoteric art of becoming a dominatrix.

She shares insight into what it is like to structure your day using only dog rules, how to spot a really horrible restaurant, and what it’s like to have a romantic dinner with Fabio. There’s even a bright side to preparing for the “At last, it is time to forget about fat grams and low cholesterol.” This enchantingly rambunctious and boundlessly enjoyable book gives you Merrill Markoe at her best. You’ll devour it in one sitting (and so may your pet).

Genres: Humor, Nonfiction, Dogs, Essays, Animals, Memoir, Biography

272 pages, Paperback

First published May 1, 1992

About the author

An author, a television writer and a sometime standup comedienne.

Reviews

[Chris · Rating 2 out of 5]

I read this just after reading a Jen Lancaster book, and nothing could have compared to that in the funny department. I found it mildly amusing at best. The really only entertaining stuff was about her dogs. I expected much more humorous stuff.

[Jen · Rating 3 out of 5]

While definitely interesting and entertaining, the actual parts about the dogs and what they've taught her are few and far between. Are they as funny as what she had to offer in Walking in Circles Before Lying Down? Sure. But I haven't enjoyed this book nearly as much, and I don't feel the need to keep it in my collection. When I stumbled across it in yet another Half Price Books store, I snatched it up, greedily, as I was currently gleefully devouring Walking in Circles.... I'm a bit disappointed.

However, the last two chapters are worthy reward for plowing through the rest and sticking with it. Or, if you happen to have access to this book at any time, just read those two chapters.

[Emillybeth · Rating 2 out of 5]

There are some definitely funny parts, but overall a lot of the humor is dated. The bits about her dogs are timeless as any pet owner can relate, but there is a lot of humor that is only funny for that time in the early 90s. Also, her humor on male/female interaction is overtly stereotypical at best and anti-feminist at worst.

It's funny... Just not that funny. My Pet Myself is the best chapter.

[Jennifer · Rating 2 out of 5]

All the essays about dogs are great. Unfortunately, there are a lot of other pieces. (Trivia: the famous ex is David Letterman!)

The humor is pretty dated, causing me to cringe in several places (although once I realized how old some of the essays actually were, a line about OJ Simpson went from hackneyed to shockingly prescient).

The dog stuff is good, though. Read the author’s novel Walking in Circles Before Lying Down for more of that.

[Giovanni García-Fenech · Rating 3 out of 5]

Consistently amusing essays from the original head writer for The David Letterman Show. I must confess I skipped most of the dog-related pieces that make up a little less than half of the book; I much preferred the ones where she signs up for classes (how to start your own porn website, how to become a dominatrix, how to become a private detective, etc.).

[Nick · Rating 2 out of 5]

Some of the dog essays in this compilation were absolutely hilarious- specifically The Dog Diaries. Unfortunately there were many many more non-dog essays. Some were ok some just blah. Had there been more dogs I'm sure my rating would have been higher.

[Kathy · Rating 2 out of 5]

Just not that funny, and too little about dogs. Couldn't finish it.

[Stephanie · Rating 3 out of 5]

~Viral Reading 2020~

This collection is a throw back to a more innocent time: the 90s and very early aughts. And this book, while funny and witty, is strangely outdated. In less then three decades our world has dramatically changed geopolitically, politically within the US, technologically, culturally, ethically, economically, and now, health wise.

It's also geographically centered around Los Angeles and all the navel gazing that occurs in the entertainment-centered city, where women are still, although less so than before, second-billed at comedy clubs and on movie posters. I honestly hadn't heard of Markoe until reading this book, but she turns out to be a female pioneer in comedy. Reading her Wikipedia bio is like going through the history of comedy in the 1980s and 90s.

Her style of writing is a bit snarky, vulnerable, whimsical, safely feminist, sarcastic, and self-deprecating. In other words, it screams of the 90s.

This book is comprised of essays and articles about taking quirky classes for self-improvement (see or become a psychic!), job-hunting (become a private detective!), and money-making (start a porn site!). In between these are many, many pages on Markoe talking to her dogs sarcastically and the dogs talking back, even more sarcastically. I chuckled a bit with nostalgia over Fabio (remember him? you would if you're older than 35) and cellphone etiquette in the brave new world of flip phones (remember those? you would if you're older than 35).

[Bridget Bailey · Rating 2 out of 5]

I thought this book was going to be all about the dogs and how they have taught this author so many valuable lessons, I thought wrong. This book was not at all what I expected and not as funny and humorous as I was led to believe it would be. I get that sometimes in some books portraying the dogs has being able to speak and have a conversation is funny but I did not find it funny at all in this book. She also goes on in some chapters to talk about things she has learned at random seminars and courses she has taken unrelated to dogs whatsoever. I also didn't like how she personified women living alone or single women living alone with their dogs. While I always say I would be the crazy dog lady if not for my husband, this lady basically goes on and on and makes all single women with dogs look bad. I did not find any of it humorous or enjoyable and in fact thought it made women look pathetic. She also kept coming back to this point over and over again, enough already. As someone who was single with a dog at one time in my life, I never felt or looked as pathetic as this woman makes us women out to be. On a side note, it could be I don't enjoy her humor so keep in mind others may enjoy this book just definitely not for me.

[Patty · Rating 3 out of 5]

If you want to read funny stories about dogs a better choice would be the book "What Your Dog Does Not Want You To Know", (I forgot the author) which is basically like humorous dog diaries of different types of dogs, loosely woven together. THIS book however, has only a few stories about dogs. The rest of them are what happens when Merrill Markoe decides to date someone, or go to a trendy club, or take some weird class like How To Be A Dominatrix....stuff like that.

A lot of times I will read a book and think the author's voice is like my own and I could have written something similar. In this case, the author's voice is NOT like my own and I feel like I could have written something BETTER, or at least better organized. Don't get me wrong, it has some funny moments and the author comes off as articulate (translation: she uses big words really well)and yes, I laughed aloud at some parts. (Like her tips for scaring off a salesperson. When they start to "mirror" your behavior, leaning when you lean, speaking softly when you do, she advises to sit on the floor, stand up suddenly and spin around, lie on the counter and sob uncontrollably...) But yeah, inconsistent.

[Kristin · Rating 1 out of 5]

If the contents of this book included only the stories related to the portion of the title that comes before the colon, it may have earned a 4 or 5 star rating. I enjoyed Markoe's stories about her dogs, though I found it a bit disjointed, as the stories appear to be placed randomly, and I'm pretty sure dogs featured in later stories were noted to have died in earlier stories.
What annoyed me about the book were the non-dog stories. I bought the book, with the jumping dog on the cover, because I thought it was a book of dog stories, and may have even shared it with my 13 year-old cousin, who also likes dog stories. This book is a testament for why you need to screen books before giving them to kids. For example, my cousin would have learned about all sorts of sexual fetishes that are discussed in Markoe's account of a seminar she attended on how to become a porn star. Markoe seems obsessed with attending these various career seminars held by shady characters in seedy locations, as she talks about them as much, if not more than, the dogs.
No desire to read any of her work again.

[Becca · Rating 3 out of 5]

Granted, I just don't understand people who love dogs, but that aside, I was pretty underwhelmed by this book. I've been on a humorous-essays-by-women kick lately, and this was one of the less impressive collections I've read lately. (Again, perhaps I would have liked it a lot more if I bonded with the subject matter, so that may be partially my fault.) Although it provided a chuckle or two, overall I didn't feel that her insights into gender differences were very fresh or new, and I kept having to tuck away the sneaking suspicion that I could have written something about this good. I don't like feeling on par with the writers that I read. I love to be humbled and shamed by their talent, and while Merrill Markoe has undoubtedly proven herself over a long and successful writing career, I personally wasn't taken by her style or her stories.

[Lois · Rating 2 out of 5]

Knowing that the author is a real dog lover, and also that she has a quirky sense of humor I enjoy, I thought this would be a really fun book. Unfortunately, the title is quite misleading. Out of the 34 or so stories presented here, only about 4 or 5 have anything at all to do with dogs. The others are all over the map, about things like men, her experience at the Emmy awards, riding in limos, Las Vegas, etc etc etc. Some were pretty entertaining, others not so much. Oh well. When I picked up this book at a used book fair, I also got another one by her, also with a reference to dogs in the title, so I'll give her another chance. I think one review said that one was pretty good. For this one, I'd give the few dog stories 5 stars, but the others were just ok.

[Wren · Rating 3 out of 5]

This lady rocks. Like any book of essay-type things there were some real good ones and some sorta "meh" ones. All super topical and most of them are frighteningly still very applicable almost 15 years later.

My favorite was "The Day I Turned Sarcastic" but the wheat thins mention in "Home Alone" hit a little too close to home (as did most of this book).

After reading this I still like Merrill Markoe a lot but I DO blame her for somehow giving my dog the idea to tear up the carpet and eat the pad underneath which is going to cost me much more than the book did.

[Mary · Rating 4 out of 5]

The sarcasm in this delightful book is over the top.
The dogs teach Markoe a great deal. She even learns when she is by herself. In the chapter "Look before you eat" she counsels us to avoid eating at places that have period interior decoration and waitstaff in costumes. Ok, it doesn't sound funny when I say it.....

[Jenice · Rating 2 out of 5]

Contrary to what the title would have you believe very few of the essays in this book have any thing to do with dogs. Merrill Markoe was a writer for the David Letterman show (stupid pet tricks), Sex and the City and has written several other books of humorous essays. I found some entertaining and some so-so, I did love the one where she recounts her dogs' chats with animal communicators. It's a nice break to read an essay or two while reading other more serious books.

[Jo · Rating 2 out of 5]

Misleading title. It had it's moments - The rants vary in quality and humor and can feel a bit dated because of all the au courant references, but still there were some chuckles. At times it felt like a Saturday Night Live sketch --- not knowing when to end it. I can see her being successful as a Letterman writer. This book can be read in short spurts a chapter at a time which is probably the best way to work your way through it.

[Jenn · Rating 3 out of 5]

When a friend offered to lend me this book, I couldn't wait to get my hands on it. I read the foreword while sitting on a bus during a traffic jam and my hopes remained high. Hey! Dogs! I like dogs! I was looking forward to relating to canine hijinks.

I was let down, however, about a quarter of the way in when I realized that this book was less "what the dogs have taught me" and much more "and other things." The parts about her dogs were funny, you can keep the rest.

[Garfield · Rating 4 out of 5]

I learned that I am not the only dog nut out there. Miss Markoe has some hilarious stories in this little book, most of them involving her pack of dogs. As a petlover and dogowner myself, it doesn't get much better then this. She has a great sense of humor and had me laugh out loud plenty of times. This is the second book of hers I've read after really liking the previous one.

[Bethe · Rating 3 out of 5]

Bookaday #10. Seems like I have read some of these bits before in this fast, humorous read. Had to chuckle at the chapter about Medieval Times - anyone else been there to celebrate their birthday wearing a blue princess hat? My skinned knees can testify to the truth of the chapter Zen and the Art of Multiple Dog Walking. Needs more dog chapters!!

[Liz · Rating 2 out of 5]

This title is so misleading. I expected a collection of humorous essays and stories about dogs, and while there were some laugh out loud anecdotes in this book they were outweighed by non-dog stories. Meh.

[Karren Bennett · Rating 4 out of 5]

I received this book as a gift. I really looked forward to reading it since I love dog stories. I was disappointed that not all the stories (or even half of the stories) were about her beloved pets. But, nonetheless, I enjoyed reading it (even the non-dog stories) and will read more of her work.

[Shannon Bailey · Rating 3 out of 5]

I found the dog parts to be spot on and hilarious. The social commentaries were good, but I would have liked them more had I read the book when it was published as the political humor would have been au courant. Would be interested in reading a current book to see her thoughts on today's world.

[Lain · Rating 4 out of 5]

A former writer for David Letterman (and his former flame!), Markoe is pithy, witty, and fun. This was a terrific, quick read. Lots of good stuff here.

[Cynthia · Rating 4 out of 5]

Funny book by a funny writer. I love dogs. She loves dogs. She used to be David Letterman's girlfriend. How could she go wrong?

[Alison · Rating 3 out of 5]

The dog parts, very funny. Other parts, just plain funny. If you are a guest at my house, this is on the bedside table in the guest room. Good to pick up and put down.

[Beth · Rating 5 out of 5]

Just a wonderful collection of humorous essays - some even written from the POV of the author's dogs. Literally had me laughing out loud. Great for dog owners, or anyone who just needs a smile.

[Holly · Rating 5 out of 5]

LAUGH OUT LOUD HYSTERICAL!!!

[Sandy · Rating 2 out of 5]

If I hadn't been trapped in a hotel room on a rainy weekend without anything else to read, this would have made it to my abandoned shelf. any of her other books are better than this one

[Suzanne · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book was incredibly funny and was a quick, easy read.