Only: A singular memoir

by Caroline Baum

Three barely felt like a family. It felt like it did not count. Like we were unfinished. Incomplete. There was always a gap at the table, room to set places for others. Visitors were few and far between. Mostly, there was only me.

Only is a memoir of an unconventional childhood that explores what it means to be an Only Child -- as both child and adult. Also what it means to be the daughter of two people damaged by trauma and tragedy, particularly a domineering and explosive father. Secrets are revealed and differences settled.

Caroline Baum's moving and gripping memoir is for everyone who has felt they are the fulcrum of a seesaw, the focus of all eyes and expectations, torn between love and fear, obedience and rebellion, duty and the longing to escape. It is also for anyone who has felt the burden of trying to be a Good Daughter -- what that means and why it is so hard. Revelatory, lyrical and unflinching.

'With a glamorous mother and a successful father, Caroline Baum's prosperous childhood seems like the epitome of privilege. Yet below the shimmering surface, rolling currents from scarred pasts buffet her girlhood, creating dislocations that resonate into adulthood. This beautifully rendered, searingly honest account becomes, in the end, a testimony to the enduring power of love, no matter how imperfectly enacted or expressed.' GERALDINE BROOKS, author of The Secret Chord

'A rich and rollicking tale that deepens into the tenderest of daughterly tributes.' HELEN GARNER, author of This House of Grief

'A conflicted love letter to her European origins and the uncrushable spirit of her glamorous, at times difficult parents, this lyrical page turner made me laugh and made me weep.' MAGDA SZUBANSKI, author of Reckoning'An unflinchingly honest exploration of what it takes to be a good daughter, with a heart-melting scoop of ice cream.' ELIZABETH GILBERT, author of Eat, Pray, Love

'A vivid and moving account of life as an only child: there's glamour in this world but terrors aplenty.' RICHARD GLOVER, author of Flesh Wounds

'Only is a wild and deeply felt tale. With her unflinching gaze, Caroline Baum explores the inheritance of being an "only", contrasting an exotic cast of the glamorous and the famous with her unconventional, often solitary childhood.' AILSA PIPER, author of Sinning Across Spain

Genres: Memoir, Nonfiction, Australia, Biography, Book Club, Biography Memoir, Womens

376 pages, Kindle Edition

Published February 22, 2017

Reviews

[John Purcell · Rating 5 out of 5]

Knowing Caroline, I was prepared for something good. I did not expect this, however. Caroline's memoir has surpassed my expectations and has left me a little in awe of her. Only is utterly brilliant. Sophisticated, honest, enlightening, entertaining and beautifully written. This is the kind of memoir I have been waiting for. It is reminiscent of the early twentieth century writing I so enjoy. 

Caroline's family history is interesting - populated with extraordinary characters tossed hither and thither by war, love, changing political circumstances and the vagaries of business. But it is the relationship between Caroline and her parents which dominates this book. Her depiction of them is both honest and, I think, respectful. She gives us a portrait which rings true - sharing the good and the bad - allowing them to come forth as the complicated individuals I believe they must be. 

Memoirs shouldn't exist to satisfy our urge to pry into the lives of others, they should really exist to help us understand our own lives better, to instruct or enlighten. Only does this. Caroline's honesty about her own foibles, as well as those of her parents, binds us to her. When she faces the turmoil of her father's illness we go through it with her. These chapters are as raw as anything from Karl Ove Knausgaard. And because she is able to share her feelings so openly, we learn from her experience. 

I picked the book up because I know Caroline Baum personally. I put it down realising I actually know nothing about her. Well… I do now. 

In short, on very many levels, Only is a thoroughly satisfying read. 

[Erin]

I’ve gone into ‘self-care’ mode and thus have decided not to read this book club book. Going by the synopsis, the parallels between Caroline Baum’s and my life are too close to home for me to tackle right now. I too am an only child, a daughter burdened with 100% of the focus, hopes, and fears of my parents, and had a difficult relationship with an abusive father, the trauma of which I am still dealing with.

I don’t need to read Only, I lived it.

I was raised by a single mum, and my husband and I enjoy our life without children. My household’s of two have never felt incomplete or empty like Baum’s did with three. And I rather liked spending time alone as a child, it fostered my love of reading, and I might enjoy it even more so as an adult. As an INFJ, socialising for extended amounts of time really wipes me out.

I may look at reading this book in the future, but for now I think it’s best if I give it a miss.

[Meg · Rating 2 out of 5]

Only, by Caroline Baum, is a slow read. I nearly gave up on it, but the second half of the book did improve. It is repetitious and boring in parts, and contains so much unnecessary information. No doubt this was a cathartic experience for Baum. Though this is not a singular memoir. This book is more about Baum telling tales on her parents than about herself. Baum's parents had traumatic upbringings, and it is no wonder they were themselves unconventional parents. If her father was still alive would Baum have written about his 'dirty washing'? She herself only makes a brief mention of her first marriage. I would have liked to known more about that and other personal matters. Baum chops around in supplying information, and thus I did not like this style of writing. Yet, I do believe Baum has written a heartfelt memoir.

[Elizabeth · Rating 3 out of 5]

I was really excited about this book after hearing Caroline Baum interviewed on a podcast. I did enjoy this book, especially the parts about Caroline at high school and her early 20's. I found I grew a little tired of hearing about her parents, don't get me wrong, they sound like amazing people with their own amazing stories to tell. I guess I was wanting to hear more about Caroline, about how she met her husbands, what brought her to Australia. Caroline has lead an extraordinary life and is a fascinating person and I would still recommend this book.

[Tianne Shaw · Rating 5 out of 5]

I was able to read this thanks to giveaways and can say it is a honest heartfelt memoir of Caroline growing up as an only child with little to want for and how the years changed it all. Very well written and enjoyable to read

[Rosalie · Rating 3 out of 5]

3 1/2 stars
The challenge I have when reading a memoir is that it is not a complete story and has no real beginning or (satisfactory) end; the snippets of information and tangential asides are left suspended because life is like that, and I appreciate that aspect because I like observing people. I will never understand what makes another person really tick but I can value the little facts that I see or hear all of which help to build up a picture of the person. Caroline Baum’s memoir spans the life of her now deceased father and reveals bits about herself as she tries to make sense of her relationship with him.
Her account focuses on the pressures she endured as an only child whilst brought up in a privileged, English household by two demanding, often hostile European parents. An honest memoir, it is painful, confronting and emotional in places but that is what connects with a reader. “Only” may click with other only children who feel the weight of being the “one off” or it may connect with parents of an only child (like myself) who felt a reverse pressure of trying to make up for not producing any siblings and being told that my only child felt it was always “us two to his one” – always a triangle.
Throughout her memoir, Caroline Baum attempts to reconcile her parent’s impossible, often violent marriage and their overprotective parenting with her own development and acceptance of herself as their only child. It is an interesting book because it covers the period from the late 1940s to the 1960s when there were many social and technical changes relevant to their family history and cherry-picks more recent incidences. She describes vividly her father’s use of physical punishment (p49), and “kissing to make up afterward”, which occurred during the 1960’s. Canes were used in schools but in the home I recall mothers used wooden spoons, duster handles and fly swats whereas fathers favoured belts; nonetheless today all such corporal punishment or over the top strict discipline is classified as child abuse.
Both of her parents survived insupportable happenings in their early lives, and both displayed post-traumatic stress symptoms but these were never treated nor discussed openly. There are many gaps in the memoir regarding the early lives of her parents possibly, because they were unwilling or unable to divulge this hurtful personal information to their only daughter at the appropriate time. Her (Jewish) father is sent to England to escape the Nazis and flourishes with the support of his foster family. However, there is some inexplicable break with this family and this is one of the “dead ends” in the memoir, Caroline is not told of the family despite attending university in the town where they live. In the early 1950’s her father moved to Paris temporarily while awaiting his divorce (???) and met her very attractive mother who also had had previous relationships but never quite married. Regardless of their liking for Paris, the couple moved to London where her father’s entrepreneurial skills flourished and his new family business prospered. From the memoir her parent’s affluent lifestyle appeared to be a good example of the “migrant success story” that occurred throughout in many countries across the world after the Second World War. Her father appeared to have better taste than some nouveau riche but the family did enjoy the lavish lifestyle that they could afford.
“Leaving a showily generous tip to demonstrate his largesse… Fawned on by bowing waiters, we retired to our suite like potentates, glowing with privilege and satiated satisfaction” (p215).
Despite the author’s account of violent, domineering and over protective parents, she seemed to successfully obtain very interesting employment for a teenager (Vogue and Parkinson, attend and graduate from university and move out of home to share a flat with a girlfriend, before her move to Australia when she was twenty two. Her rapport with both of her parents then becomes more disjointed as her perspective is from the occasional visitor rather than the live-in daughter.
The relationship between her parents had always been hard for her to comprehend. The author does not understand why they stayed together, her father was a bully and her mother used passive aggressive tactics such as refusing to speak, but at the same time, they ate the wonderful dinners that her mother prepared every day. Curiously, after a huge disagreement during one of her visits home, the author separates from her parents, leaving them siding together against her. She breaks off communicating with them for over three years and does not attempt reconciliation until she visits France with her second husband.
It is an interesting memoir. It is full of contradictions, regrets and possibly guilt, tied together with the unexplained emotions of a loving, loved dutiful daughter.
I would like to thank Allen and Unwin for my edition of Only.

[Alicia Huxtable · Rating 5 out of 5]

I recieved this book as an uncorrected proof copy through a Goodreads Giveaway and although there were a few minor spelling/grammatical errors I could over look them for the story. It was a very interesting story about Caroline's own life growing up. Quite the read

[Lefa · Rating 5 out of 5]

Sometimes just the right book comes to you at just the right time. This book was exactly that for me.

[Jane · Rating 3 out of 5]

This was not my usual sort of book. It was a book club pick. A book that is outside your usual comfort zone of reading needs to be exceptional to rate well and this one did not do that for me. This tells the tale of a strict childhood, brought up by parents who had traumatic childhoods. (Lots of childhoods in the era of this were pretty strict by today’s standards.). There were lots of gaps in the story - why she moved to Australia and what she did there, what happened to her first husband. I understand that this is a memoir rather than an autobiography, but I think some of these gaps needed to be filled.

[Robert Watson · Rating 5 out of 5]

What a delight it was to read this remarkable memoir. Caroline Baum examines and questions the relationships within her family, a tense, tight triangle and writes with such honesty and openness of what it meant to her to be an only child. The closing chapters detailing her father’s decline are profoundly sad and yet reveal her mother’s resilience and strength.

[Karen · Rating 4 out of 5]

I won this book in a Goodreads giveaway. Fascinating insight into someone else's life. Very interesting read involving other cultures traditions and it has similarities to everyone's life.

[MagicParadox · Rating 1 out of 5]

This is the first memoir I've read where I've, ashamedly, distinctly disliked the author. I experienced her as privileged, entitled, self-absorbed, and arrogant. Even her expansive vocabulary, whilst impressive, only served to cement her haughty demeanor. She grew up with challenge, but not enough to grow her sense of compassion, leaving me to wonder if her high-class privilege overrode that growth capacity. (She oddly references her life as middle-class yet it is clearly upper-middle at least.)

Her air of snobbish superiority dissipates somewhat towards the end of the book, when she states,

“I always thought that social workers were for other people. People who were poor, uneducated, lost in a system whose codes they did not understand. I never expected, as a middle-class educated professional woman, that the fate of my father would hinge on an assessment made by a badly paid public servant. I though social workers for single mothers, heroin addicts, the unemployed, the mentally ill and the disenfranchised. In other words, I was pig-ignorant and a snob to boot. We were used to paying our way and paying for the best, thankyou very much” (Baum, 2017, p.267).

Baum focuses on being an only child, yet it is in fact merely one factor of many that shapes her--the murder-suicide of her maternal grandparents is sidelined yet clearly comes down transgenerationally in the form of abandonment and enmeshed relationships, as does the Holocaust's impact on her Jewish father who, after being so horrifically disempowered, now exerts insane amounts of control. The privilege she experienced is explicit throughout the book, yet--rather naturally--she takes it for granted, barely acknowledging its significant impact in forming her identity and worldview.

In addition, it is deeply offensive to read of her strategic manipulation of the NHS to ensure her well-off father is placed in an expensive retirement home at the cost of taxpayers.

Whilst the book was interesting enough to finish and Baum does show some self-awareness and increased compassion for her mother (which was no mean feat, as she didn't get her emotional needs met as a child from either parent) towards the end, the book left me cringing and unimpressed. (To be fair, it also made me wonder what nerves it was hitting for me to respond so negatively towards it, and I suspect that I sought to find more compassion, more kindness, more humanity in her life-reflection--which of course makes me wonder about the kindness, humanity and compassion I'm exhibiting in my review! Genuine gentleness to you Caroline, as I know it takes courage to put your life out there for others to view and critique.)

[Marianne Webb · Rating 4 out of 5]

There was too much of other people in the book who the author met or saw briefly or were friends of her parents which didn’t enhance the story of being an only child as much as show the society that she lived in. I liked the last chapters about her father as there seemed to be more honesty and emotion in that period

[Felicity Waterford · Rating 3 out of 5]

Some of the writing in this memoir was wonderful and I enjoyed it but felt a little something was missing.... maybe a bit about Caroline Baum herself, which is an odd thing to say given it’s so much about her... but for me it just felt one step removed at times ... the last few paragraphs, chapters had a little more, and I would have liked to read more on her first marriage for example. However as she herself writes in the book “Some scraps keep you warm, like a blanket that wraps you up in comfort, security and identity. Like scraps of fabric saved to make a patchwork quilt, I only have fragments of information.” I did love learning one persons story of being an only child, especially as I am of sibling to 6 others and our memories do indeed wrap around us in comfort, security and identity.

[Roslyn · Rating 2 out of 5]

I started reading this book on the recommendation of a respected friend. I'm half way through now, and don't know that I can be bothered ploughing through to the end. The (unacknowledged?) material privilege of the writer is rather odious, and some long sections are boring (eg the details of famous-who's-who passing through the family's lives).

Why was it so dull? This, from Chapter 17, might give us a clue: 'During my late teens and twenties, I witnessed my peers rebelling, but lack the stomach for it. I looked on as girlfriends trashed themseleves, stumbled incoherently through hangovers in class, failed exams, wept over abortions, pierced themseleves in the first wave of punk. No matter how provoked I was by a sense of raging unfairness, my nerve alwasy failed me. I was too conventional for revolution, and its anthems sounded jarring to my ear raised as it was on classical music".

It is a long book that might do better as a memoir in the form of a novella or short story.

[Karen · Rating 3 out of 5]

I was a bit disappointed in this. I finished it feeling like I didn't know Caroline much more than when I started it. I've always admired her work at the Sydney Writers Festival but with such a complete focus on her relationship with her parents I felt I didn't meet her until the very final chapter.

[Sue · Rating 4 out of 5]

I heard Caroline Baum speak about this book at Writers' Week. Reading it was equally satisfying. A loving yet honest account of her triangulated family, the book captures the best and the worst of her superficially privileged life and the complex personalities of her parents. A thoughtful and insightful memoir.

[Janet Ryan · Rating 4 out of 5]

II've already posted a lengthy review on your page for this book 6 days ago. It was heartbreaking but beautifully written. A book of feeling like you don't belong and the lengths a person will go to to be accepted and loved.

[Bronwyn Sugden · Rating 5 out of 5]

Loved this book! Not being an only child it's a fascinating insight into the dynamics of her family, their past and how it impacts on all their lives throughout their life.

[Jennifer Rolfe · Rating 2 out of 5]

Don't know whether I should put read on this book but there is no category for didn't finish it. Please edit it - too long and too many unnecessary boring details.

[Rach Denholm · Rating 4 out of 5]

I had never heard of Caroline Baum but the blurb pulled me in. Very well written but the initial tone of privilege and self entitlement was wearing and about 1/3 in I was so close to giving up. Repetitive accounts of money squandered on fashion, fine dining and travel, combined with recounts of how absolutely clever and special Baum is and all the famous people she has connections with didn't really float my boat, UNTIL the cracks appeared and the family story became more real.

Baum's larger than life father was a Polish Jew child escapee on one of the first kindergarten trains. He was taken in and brought up by a family who remained close throughout Baum's life. His overbearing personality and childhood experiences made him an exacting and demanding individual who lived a secret life outside his family, the extent of which was unknown until after his death.

As an 'only' child Baum bears the full brunt of parental energy, and as an adult negotiating the relationship becomes tenuous. Baum's honesty about her own shortcomings and her reflections on being an only child and a childless adult are insightful and thought-provoking.

Hard to imagine after the death of a parent that the person you knew wasn't the person you thought they were. David Le au'pepe explores this in his song 'Brothers' (Gang of Youths), after he realised that he had siblings and racial inheritance that were concealed throughout his life. Likewise Baum realises her father had addictions and relationships outside her realm of knowing and the grieving process is complicated with redefining her role as daughter and adult child.

[Nicole Foster · Rating 4 out of 5]

3 1/2 stars.

Before picking up this book I had attended a session with the author Caroline Baun. This session was intriguing and fascinating and I was captured by Baun’s story. At the end of her talk and moving into question time, a large amount of questioners were from women around the same age as Baun and also only children. They heavily related to this story.

My interest lied in the psycology behind how this women grew up as an only child surrounded by privilege, with both parents whom had suffered their own trauma’s from the war and domestic violence.

The nurse inside of me also enjoyed reading the journey of Baun’s father spiral of decent into dementia.

If I had of read this book before attending Baun’s session I would have rated it higher but the tension and intimacy of the session was far more powerful.

After the session I had the chance to have a quick chat with Baun as she signed my book. She acknowledged how much privilege she was surrounded by and was apologetic. I replied to her that she wouldn’t have much of a chance to enjoy the privilege when her basic need of feeling loved was not met. She certainly agreed.

[Emma Balkin · Rating 4 out of 5]

Caroline Baum has wonderful writing skills and she employs precise vocabulary. Her memoir of her relationship with her parents was interesting, but by the end I was growing tired of the drippings of privilege, such as Hermes ties and the latest model Jaguar, and the immature relationships between these people. The structure of the book was somewhat unconventional, being roughly chronological interspersed with flashbacks. A book that's been on your TBR list for way too long, a book involving travel, a book with a subtitle, a book that's published in 2017, a book about food, a book with an unreliable narrator, a book set in a hotel, a book recommended by an author you love, a book that takes place over a character's life span, a book about an immigrant or refugee, a book with an eccentric character.

[Clover · Rating 4 out of 5]

Raw and honest reflection of how our childhoods shape us, imprinting values, beliefs, and experiences that can feel like blueprints for our lives. But there’s a point where we get to decide who we are, independent of the influence of those early years. We can let our past define every step forward, or we can choose to grow in directions our younger selves may never have imagined. It’s a powerful act—to carry what we’ve learned while still allowing ourselves the freedom to become someone new, transcending our origins to step fully into our own lives.
These are my favourite lines from the book “ We are three. A trio rather than a triangle. For now, at least, our three sides make a harmonious shape.” Please tell me yours

[Sherry Mackay · Rating 4 out of 5]

A wonderful read by an experienced journalist. I enjoyed reading about her upper middle class life in Britain before she left home to come to Australia, mainly to get away from her cloying family. She had an unhappy childhood as a single child. Her parents were not happy together. Both had been orphaned. Her father was a young Jewish child sent to England to escape the nazis. Her mother's mother was murdered by her husband leaving the author's mum an orphan in horrific circumstances. A difficult start to her childhood perhaps but one she has overcome in her new life. Though some people may consider the luxurious lifestyle she had as a child something not to sneezed at.

[Lulu · Rating 4 out of 5]

I enjoyed Caroline Baum’s exploration of her life as the only child. The very complicated relationships between each member of the family was influenced by many tragic factors which she explained as the novel unfolded. It was sometimes difficult to sympathise with her distress in a life of such privilege, but as her story unfolded, the privilege that I was sometimes envying was ultimately so lonely and claustrophobic and isolating. I congratulate her success in forging ahead to create the life she has.

[Tracey · Rating 4 out of 5]

Many of us have watched CB on television and at Writers' Fetivals as well as reading her book reviews. Interesting to hear about her privileged but very challenging upbringing - an only child brought up by parents who had limited experience being children themselves and identities they'd had to forge for themselves. There are big stories in our lives - and CB is a terrific writer who makes her immediate family's reading absolutely compelling. Particularly enjoyed reading about how the Cold War descended on her household.

[Ann · Rating 5 out of 5]

A very brave and compellingly honest account of the author’s relationship with her parents as their only child. Her writing is wonderful, as she shares her memories and insights, and her accrued understanding of who she is as a result their unusual lives. Generous and confronting, both painful and humorous, intelligent and insightful, and frequently very close to the bone, her skill in articulating what so many of us cannot express gives great strength to her writing.
Highly recommended.

[Philip Hunt · Rating 5 out of 5]

I'd say this is the best book I've read for months. It's beautifully written. Honest. Self-deprecating. Deeply insightful. Joyous, sad and funny in turns. Maybe because I can see my 70th birthday from here, I was specially moved by her descriptions of the challenges of old age, but the early history of her parents' themselves is a deep emotional well. HIghly recommended. Should win awards. And sales!

[Rach Denholm · Rating 4 out of 5]

Candid account of growing up as an only child with unconventional and filthy rich parents. Cleverly crafted use of English language and plays on words.

The entitled attitude wore a bit thin toward the end, but I've given it 4*'s because it's so readable and clever.

Interesting reflection Baum makes is "the description only child keeps you stuck In infancy ... When you're an only child you never seem to ripen. The word child sticks to you like chewing gum on a shoe. "