Det kvinner vil ha, det menn vil ha

by John M. Gottman, Douglas Carlton Abrams

Basert på 40 år med forskning - endelig er resultatet her! Dr. John M. Gottman er tilbake, og denne gangen har han svaret på historiens best bevarte hemmelighet: «Hva er det kvinner egentlig vil ha?»

«Det kvinner vil ha, det menn vil ha» gir deg en unik innsikt i den revolusjonerende forskningen om hvordan man kan oppnå lykke hos både menn og kvinner, ved å se på mannen som den avgjørende faktoren. Forskningen avslører nemlig at det er mannen som avgjør om et forhold er velfungerende eller ikke.

Boken er en hyllest til kvinnen og tilbyr mannen en komplett forståelse av kvinnens natur. Hvis mannen virkelig forstår sin kvinne og imøteser hennes behov, vil han oppleve færre krangler og mer (og bedre) sex. I tillegg viser studien at menn i sunne og lykkelige forhold lever lenger, tjener mer og har færre kroniske sykdommer og mindre kognitiv svikt når de blir eldre.

DETTE ER EN FORSKNINGSBASERT FREMSTILLING AV HVORDAN EN MANN KAN TILTREKKE, TILFREDSSTILLE OG LYKKES MED EN KVINNE, LIVET UT.

Genres: Relationships, Psychology, Self Help, Nonfiction, Marriage, Personal Development, Love

219 pages, Hardcover

First published February 2, 2016

About the author

Dr. Gottman was one of the Top 10 Most Influential Therapists of the past quarter-century by the Psychotherapy Networker. He is the author or co-author of over 200 published academic articles and more than 40 books, including the bestselling The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work; What Makes Love Last; Eight Dates: Essential Conversations for a Lifetime of Love; The Relationship Cure; Why Marriages Succeed or Fail; and Raising An Emotionally Intelligent Child — among many others. Dr. Gottman’s media appearances include Good Morning America, Today, CBS Morning News, and Oprah, as well articles in The New York Times, Ladies Home Journal, Redbook, Glamour, Woman’s Day, People, Self, Reader’s Digest, and Psychology Today.

Co-founder of The Gottman Institute and co-founder of Affective Software, Inc. with his wife, Dr. Julie Schwartz Gottman, John was also the Executive Director of the Relationship Research Institute. He is Professor Emeritus of Psychology at the University of Washington, where he founded “The Love Lab” at which much of his research on couples’ interactions was conducted.

Reviews

[Jon · Rating 5 out of 5]

Yeah, I laughed when my mother recommended this book to me. It does sound pretty sleazy. But my mother probably has a stronger opinion about quality than I do. There had to be something here, or she wouldn't recommend it.

Still, I waited until it was only a few bucks on Kindle.

Right off, the authors waste no time telling you "the secret" of what women want, and I'll go ahead and spoil it: trustworthiness. Now that's a loaded word. I talked to a few of my woman friends about the book as I was reading it, and they at first disagreed. As I asked them what trustworthiness meant to them, we were all slowly converted to the idea.

And that's good, because, let me tell you, that right there pissed me off on first reading. Thing is, I live with some great guys, and not a single (heh) one of them has had long-term success in their dating relationships. And they were super trustworthy, so far as I could tell. I was really ready to be disappointed with women in general if that's all they wanted, and yet they couldn't see it even when it asked them on a date time and again.

On top of that, the authors frequently say that what men want is no confrontation and sex. I'm not that simple. I want a relationship. Acceptance. Affection. Love. I don't know how much time and experience would have to elapse before I'd be thinking about sex in the relationship.

Then I kept reading.

Yeah, it's deeper. On both sides of the coin.

The authors really have done their research. 40 years of it. This book is the result of those findings.

Turns out, there really is a lot I only superficially understand about dating and relationships. I didn't understand how to tell if a woman is interested, for example. Sure, I've recognized it a few times for my part, and a lot for others. But I'm kind of a masochist when it comes to doing things that are hard.

I didn't want to have any regrets when it came to my dating life. And, for my part, that meant that I would always ask out a girl if I was interested and she was available. Turns out, I could avoid a lot of nos if I just checked to see if she was interested first. Most women give off cues subconsciously. Some consciously. And yeah, some are oblivious themselves.

I also learned how to talk to women better. How to ask open ended questions and steer conversations in positive directions. And, perhaps hardest of all, to talk about the things I was really good at. Which are nerdy things.

Yeah, I guess I sabotage my chances in most dating experiences by hiding my best talents and energies behind a wall of social insecurity.

All this was in the first couple chapters.

Yes, there a section in the middle about physical intimacy, sensuality, and sex. I've never read anything more direct and explicit on the subjects. The section on properly kissing is several pages on its own. Then a couple chapters build up to intercourse. And by then, you've had a lesson in anatomy and a detailed walk through on foreplay.

If this makes you uncomfortable, it's really easy to skip the whole section. So don't worry about that. However, I feel that the authors talked about these and most subjects in a very intelligent and almost reverent way. They were honest, but they weren't brief. Aside from giving "the secret" away in the first chapter, they really build to every subject. They frame things appropriately, giving proper context.

And after that section it gets into such meaty subjects as conflict resolution. (Breathe, men. Don't let you anger boil over.) Motherhood. (Don't try to interfere with your wife's relationship with her baby. Build a relationship with your baby too.) And shopping. (Don't do it together if you want to be happy.)

There's a lot in here that I'll have to read again and again to properly grok.

Recommended.

[April · Rating 4 out of 5]

I give this book 5 stars for the relationship advice; it's well researched. I love well researched advice because it works! If you've read anything by the Gottmans, Sue Johnson, or have learned about attachment theory, the main premise of the book will be familiar to you: Turn towards your partner instead of away from them.

This book is written for men and I'm curious about how well men feel it speaks to them. The authors tell men that they will have more sex and less fighting if they follow this advice. The advice is simple but it would take a lot of work and energy. For men who are motivated to have a good relationship, I think it will be very helpful.

I took off a star because, very unfortunately, there are some creepy sexist theories in the book. Amidst their very well researched relationship advice, they throw in some theories about the personality differences between men and women based on their ideas of what primitive society was like; men evolved to be the hunters, women to be the gatherers. If these differences were true, it would be useful information, but, in fact, time and again, research has shown that you can't predict what someone's personality will be like based on their gender. Well validated personality tests will tell you a lot more about someone's personality than their gender will, and both women and men are found in all personality types.

There are some differences between men and women that have been researched, but you really have to separate the wheat from the chaff here. This is a good reminder that no matter how smart someone is and how reasonable their theory sounds, it has a good chance of not matching reality- the only way to know it matches reality is to do the research.

These cringe worthy ideas are scattered throughout the book, but most notably make their appearance in the chapter devoted to shopping, and the information about fear. The fear information is interesting because part of it is based on research, but their interpretation is a text book case of gender bias.

When I was in my first class in college, already a budding feminist, the professor handed us a picture of a baby and we all rated what we thought the baby's personality was like based on the picture. Then she asked us to raise our hands as she read the various choices. When she read "sad", one half of the class raised their hands, when she read "angry" the other half of the class raised their hands. She went through every attribute and this pattern continued. We all got the same picture of the same baby. How could it possibly be that one half of the class thought one thing and the other the opposite, and that each side was unanimous? On my side of the class the baby was named "Amber" and on the other side of the class, the baby was named "Henry." No matter how enlightened we might have thought we were, every single person in the class showed the exact same gender bias. We thought we were making a judgement based on the picture, but we were making a judgement based on the gender.

The author's make a similar mistake when presenting their ideas about fear. They say that women experience more fear in their daily lives - which I'm guessing is true. (This is important for men to understand for personal relationships and for social justice.) But they interpret that to mean that women are more hard wired to experience fear, which I thought could be true, but interestingly they later show their own assertion to be false, but use gender bias to keep their theory!

First they share factual information. One in four women have been sexually assaulted by the time they reach 18. What they don't share, but imply, is that while women are far more likely to be sexually assaulted than men, men are more likely to be murdered than women. However, the places men and women are murdered are different. Men are likely to be murdered in what we think of as typically dangerous situations - in dangerous neighborhoods, jails, war zones, etc. Places that men know to be dangerous and may be able to avoid. Women are most likely to be murdered in their own homes, neighborhoods, and workplaces. Can you imagine that these facts might be why women are more likely to experience daily fear than men? They are, in fact, in more daily danger than men.

Assuming that women are more naturally fearful than men because they experience more daily fear would be like assuming soldiers are hardwired to be more fearful than other people because they experience more daily fear. Wouldn't that be ridiculous?

Later in the book, they share an experiment where both men and women are startled and both genders have the same physiological fear response. This disproves their earlier theory that men are hardwired to be less fearful. The men and women do have different outward responses. After being startled, more women expressed fear, more men expressed anger. So, at the very most we could say that maybe there are hardwired differences in how men and women express their fear. But it could just as easily be that men and women are raised to express fear differently. It could also be that the researchers have gender bias, just like we all did in my psychology class.

All that said, I think this book is worth reading and would be helpful to most people. Take the relationship advice seriously, take the pronouncements about gender with a handful of salt. It might be a fun book to read as a couple, as long as people use it to learn more about each other as individuals and don't use the information to blame or judge each other.

[Melissa Lee-Tammeus · Rating 3 out of 5]

I love the Gottman's. I've trained with them. I am enamored by them. But this book? Basic and a bit silly. I was hoping for more. I suppose you could say this is geared/written for the average layman who knows nothing at all about women - it may actually work for that particular population. After all, the things that the Gottmans are writing about (along with two other scholars that are in much smaller print on the front cover), I found myself nodding my head and totally agreeing many times. One thing did get me however, in which they express a very definitive sentence that states that "people don't change." That threw me. Pretty sure I disagree, in some sense. I mean why write a book like this at all if you're going to say that? Well, two things got me, I guess. They also call men Heros or Zeros. Thus, you are a hero if you do all these things and you are a Zero if you do another set of things - there is even a cheat sheet for each chapter that explains which category you may be in. Not sure, if I was a dude, I would be pumped up to learn from a list that made me one extreme or the other. I think this was just a futile attempt to make some money, and sucker that I am, I gave them mine, so it worked. Will I recommend it to clients? I'm not sure - I can't say it would be in my top ten and, even then, I may only recommend a few sections.

[Sharlene Shazzy · Rating 1 out of 5]

This book is truly dreadful. I got 50 pages in before deciding that it wasn’t useful even as a curiosity. The authors paint with broad brushstrokes and appear to believe that all men are fundamentally the same and all women are fundamentally the same, which is certainly not the case. How this book was published in 2016 (instead of 1970) is beyond me.

In the first few pages, the authors frame couples’ issues as the following: women want more intimacy and support and men want less fighting and more sex. Surprise surprise, the book then continues to frame everything for men as a way of achieving that ultimate goal.

While there were a few (only a few) accurate observations in the sections that I read, the authors attempt to explain each of their theories as a product of evolution, which is inaccurate and fails to consider any other research or science. For example, the authors state that women have stronger emotions than men, which is due to hormones that stem from our hunter-gatherer days. There's so much inaccuracy in that entire premise that it's hard to know where to start unpacking it.

The authors never acknowledge that there could be societal reasons for some of their observations. At one point they state that “women are conditioned to fear for their safety.” What does that even mean? That is a wholly incomplete explanation as to why women are in fear more often than men, and it’s a real disservice to the readers.

Not to mention that there are some serious flaws in the theories themselves. In a section about emotions, the authors illustrate how men deal with emotions: a boy sits down and starts crying while playing with his friends because he is upset that he never gets the ball. So the other boys give him the ball and they continue playing, problem solved, “emotions dealt with.” The authors’ explanation of this interaction is that the crying boy was “an unwelcome leech” that the other boys wanted to get rid of, and that this illustrates that men prefer to “dispense” with emotion and move on.

To illustrate how women handle emotions, they use this example: one girl gets upset because she brought a hair clip for her friend who didn’t want to wear it, so she thought her friend didn't want to be best friends. So the girls talked about it and then continued chatting, leaving the hopscotch game they were playing behind. According to the authors, this demonstrates that what’s important for girls is intimacy, and games are only a means to an end, and even that the resolution of the emotional interaction is unimportant.

These two examples are completely different situations that cannot be used to illustrate the authors' theories about genders and emotions. That the authors don’t see the inherent flaws here is troubling.

Other books I’d suggest that will give a lot more insight into relationships and male behavior generally: Attached by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller, and For The Love of Men by Liz Plank.

[Rameya · Rating 5 out of 5]

I'm a big fan of the Gottmans both as a clinician myself and as an individual invested in maintaining strong personal relationships. While this book is obviously geared toward men, I found it very validating to read as a woman. The Gottmans really know their stuff and know how to tailor it to their audience. The book is rich with findings from various studies that helps to buttress their central concepts but is also written in a language that is particularly clear and linear(hence why it is so palatable for the average man.) It's also written in a very easy-to-read fashion with a lot of humor and a few insightful and relevant cartoons. The book is broken into clearly defined sections with chapters and there are cheat sheets at the end of every chapter reiterated the primary take-aways for each chapter. Overall, the book is both a quick and pleasant read and filled with pertinent research and conclusions.

My one caveat--this book is really written for the common man and so if you are someone looking for meatier research and more robust analysis this may disappoint. Even still, I'd recommend it to most and will likely re-read it again later in life.

[Diego Barragán · Rating 5 out of 5]

The book "The Man's Guide to Women" focuses on providing a better understanding of relationships and women's perspectives. The authors argue that men's actions and attitudes in a relationship are crucial to determining its success. They highlight the importance of empathy, attention, and respect for a woman's emotions. Reliability is the most essential quality that women look for in a man. Moreover, the book emphasizes that the goal should not be to become the perfect lover, boyfriend, or husband in general but to be so for one's specific partner.

The authors support their claims with a series of studies and observations. For example, they point out that men who learn to emotionally tune in with their partners get what they want from their relationships: fewer fights and more sex. The perception of women regarding security and trust and how men can help create a safe and trusting environment is also emphasized. Additionally, the differences in how men and women experience and handle their emotions are explored, and guidance is provided on how men can learn to accept and manage their own emotions as well as their partner's.

The book concludes with the idea that understanding and accepting a woman's emotions, rather than trying to change them, can deepen the emotional connection and improve the relationship. The authors suggest that men should practice emotional attunement in all areas of their lives to improve this skill. Hormonal changes in women and how they can affect their behaviour and emotions are also discussed, offering men a greater understanding of these fluctuations and how to handle them.

This book significantly impacts the understanding of relationships and gender differences. It provides a unique and valuable perspective for men on understanding women better and improving their relationships with them. Men are encouraged to read and reflect on these ideas and apply them in relationships.

However, the book also raises several questions for future research and reflection. For example, how can these concepts be applied in different cultural contexts? How can women use these ideas to understand men and themselves better? These open questions suggest that, although this book offers valuable insights, there is still much to explore and know about relationships and gender dynamics.

[Ina Cawl · Rating 4 out of 5]

one of the best i books have read about how to approach women to how really satisfy her in bed
but about the question of learning from the book what women really want i guess it will really disappoint you very much because there is no book in the world no matter who can really know what women really want even the great Freud stopped trying to find what women want.

What Women Really Want is a question we men i think will never know

[Alishma · Rating 4 out of 5]

I like this book, and enjoy reading books directed to men just to judge how accurate it is 🧐. This is pretty wholesome, and gives really good advice. There was a section where I was like yeesh cuz he was talking about red flags to look out for when considering committing to a woman and I was thinking damn (cannot complete this thought publicly)… anyways I like this quote:

“The greatest mystery of all, when it comes to women, is not why they do what they do, but why men feel so much when they are with them. Women are a man’s connection to the world and to life itself.”

My dad was reading an Urdu poem to me & my mom the other day and it uses that same exact concept on the statement above^. So that’s why I like it and thought it was sweet.

There were some examples in how to talk to woman they made me go :D so that’s a good sign this book is on to something.

[Ville Salmensuu · Rating 5 out of 5]

I probably should have read this years ago. I say this as a father of three, having gone through multiple relationships and a marriage. A quick read with practical tips that make sense to me, both in retrospect and going forward. The book is most focused on the traditional committed heterosexual relationship, but I believe could be read more generally. Summary: undivided attention and trustworthiness.

[Katie · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book. As a woman reading what a man considers women's wants to be, I had to admit that some of this is on point. I will say not all of it was great, but it was interesting to read about how one man (with a collection of scientific data) explains to the man who picked this up what to expect of women and how to understand them.

One point I have to context: consent is always sexy, John Gottman. If a man wants to ask my permission to kiss me, that's sexy as hell.

A few quote that resonated: "the causes of women's anger could be rooted in one or more of three categories: powerlessness, injustice, and the irresponsibility of other people."

"When conflict happens, a woman wants one thing: a good listener. A woman's goal in conflict is to be better understood by her partner. Problem solving is secondary. Now for men, problem solving is usually primary."

"A recent study found that women are better than men at remembering objects [...] The number of object the men remembered correctly: about 7 items, on average. [...] The women were able to remember about 20 items, on average--a huge difference, almost three times as many."

Maybe I need to be less mean to my brothers when they can't find something that's clearly in front of them...

[Jonathan Tennis · Rating 5 out of 5]

The authors have years of experience in helping people in relationships and this shows with how easily they tackle serious issues that can occur when two people decide to enter into the great unknown of relationships.

Loved the scientific explanations for what happens to people in relationships and the information about how our brains react to these things, as well as the research that was done into predictors for certain behaviors based on how you were raised.

Book is geared toward men as the title suggests. Is a quick, easy read and provides lots of tips and pointers. Because come on, who doesn’t want to get better at relationships? And there’s always room for improvement.

My favorite line comes about midway through the book when the authors write, “Breasts are to be cherished.” As should the woman who owns said breasts.

Great read! Highly recommend it.

[Abdulrahman · Rating 5 out of 5]

One of the best books i read this year!! Simple language, good scientific information backed by researchers, and free of gimmicky tips and tricks. Its really simple guide (written for men heavily) on how to run a good relationship. highlighting the most common problems from a man prospective and how to solve it.

I wish we encourage adding these kind of information on our Saudi education system. People get married really young in here with 0 knowledge about marriage life, leading to high rate of divorce and domestic violence or plane bad marriages that goes on and on for years without any love or respect, and sadly still consider a kind of taboo to either address it or solve it!

Anyway, highly highly recommend for real genteel!

[Chrisanne · Rating 4 out of 5]

This may be slightly embarrassing to admit, but I found it very instructive about me... For example... I'm not a shopper (so that chapter wasn't fun) but the chapter on why women need other women as friends was fascinating! So was the chapter on conflict and how female brains work. The chapter on body image (and the actual numbers!) made me furious. But really-- can't the media just give it a rest? And can't we, as consumers, refuse to buy into their propaganda?

Disclaimer: if you're like me, skip chapters 8 and 9. Additionally, I disagreed on moral grounds with a couple of claims. #selfacclaimedprude

[Iman Narimani · Rating 4 out of 5]

یکی از بهترین کتابها در رابطه با مشاوره و روانشناسی ازدواج که با استفاده از پژوهش های علمی و به زبان ساده همه آنچه را که لازم است گفته بود. جامع بودن کتاب شما را از خواندن کتاب های متعدد بی نیاز می کند.

[Andrew · Rating 2 out of 5]

Uggghhh

[Haley · Rating 3 out of 5]

When this book was added to our book swap pile, I picked it up with the sole intention of doing a hate read for it. The chapter titles were horrendous, and scanning the pages, the content looked completely ridiculous and patronizing.

However, my Twitter thread quickly became more humor/satire and awkwardness than the hate read I had intended. This Man's Guide isn't all bad--there's quite a bit of good advice inside, regarding courting and sex, consent and communication.

I will say that this book deals in generalizations, and it is VERY heteronormative, so know what you're getting when you go into it. If they talk about women, it's all women feel this same way...and visa versa on the male spectrum. Also, men are either a Hero or a Zero, which I felt was very patronizing.

Obviously, I am the exact opposite of the target market for this book, so the humor is not "for me" but I'm glad I had the wrong impression. Would I give this to my husband to read? Probably not. Did I hate it, though? No.

[Tom Cunningham · Rating 5 out of 5]

A must read to be the husband your wife needs

I used to think my wife was negative because of her fears, anxieties, and insecurities. I now understand that almost all women are like her. I still find it frustrating but I love my wife enough to take the time to listen without interrupting and not to suggest solutions.

Tom Cunningham
Napoleon Hill Foundation Certified Instructor
Creator of the Journeys To Success book series
Founder of Journey To Success Radio
International Inspirational Speaker

[Jens · Rating 2 out of 5]

The author goes out of his way to convince you this book is somehow not anecdotical but based on hard science and the crunching of numbers. Yet, the numbers are way too limited and the "studies" appear more like "conclusions" after some experience. It's very traditional: women would look for trustworthiness and strength in possible partners. Men supposedly look for a nice hip-to-waist ratio. Enough said, I guess..

[Soňa]

PODCASTové zamyslenie je tu
Po viac ako štyridsaťročnom výskume došiel uznávaný svetový expert na vzťahy John Gottman a jeho spolupracovníci k ohromujúcemu, ale v praxi mnohokrát overenému záveru – muži sú tí, ktorí držia v rukách kľúč k vzťahu.
Ich kniha dáva jednoznačnú odpove%d na otázku, čo ženy priťahuje, po akom mužovi skutočne túžia a čo v ňom potrebujú nájsť, ak má ísť o vzťah na celý život.
Autori svoje tvrdenia stavajú na množstve výskumov, príkladoch z vlastnej praxe a poznatkoch o hormonálnych procesoch v tele ženy, ktoré ju ovplyvňujú oveľa výraznejšie, ako si akýkoľvek muž dokáže predstaviť.
Kapitoly sú chronologicky zoradené tak, aby ste s knihou skutočne prechádzali celým svojím vzťahom a dozvedeli sa, ako ženu zaujať, osloviť a pozvať ju von, o čom sa s ňou rozprávať na prvom rande a kam ju naň vziať, ako ju pochopiť a uspokojiť fyzicky aj emocionálne a vďaka čomu sa dá vybudovať šťastný dlhodobý vzťah

Prvá veta: Kolujú zlomyseľné klebety, že muži si nekupujú knihy.
Posledná veta: Povedzme si to otvorene: Možno máte občas problém ženy pochopiť, ale porozumieť im a milovať ich je tým najväčším dobrodružstvom, ktoré vám život ponúka.
Goodreads Challenge 2022: . kniha

[Daniel Hernández · Rating 5 out of 5]

This should be in the Bible.

[T · Rating 1 out of 5]

I read this book, despite the title and somewhat concerning comments here and there in articles for it, because I'd seen and liked some of Gottman's other work and thought it interesting and insightful. I shouldn't have. The articles about the book which saw it as having a slightly sexist overtone if anything underplayed that tone in the book; it might be the most blatantly sexist book I've ever read. It's chock full of generalizations and stereotypes about how men and women work and how fundamentally different they are, and the interspersing of scientific study anecdotes starts to feel like a thin veneer over a very archaic view of relationships and the world. The perspectives on men alone were downright insulting, assuming us to all be effectively socially ignorant cavemen. On top of that, the vast majority of the "advice" within it is a mixture of very basic elementary relationship advice intermixed with the kind of comments that would fit better in those magazines in the grocery store checkout aisle than a book that purports to be a serious work. There are a handful of genuinely interesting and thoughtful comments or suggestions intermixed with these as well, but they're rare enough and small enough to not be worth the rest.

Maybe for men who fit that caveman stereotype this would be a useful book, and maybe for the world of the 1960s it would be considered forward thinking, but in this day and age it's just bad. If you're looking for a book on relationships and you're a reasonably mature thoughtful adult then find another book; there are far better ones out there.

[Brian Sachetta · Rating 5 out of 5]

As the authors state throughout this one, this is not a book about picking up women, but a guide to creating a long-lasting, loving relationship. As corny as that may sound, the authors do a great job putting this guide together and presenting it to the reader in an approachable fashion.

I found all of the advice here to be straightforward, sensical, and helpful. As problem solvers, many of us men try to figure out and solve our girlfriend’s / wive’s issues. On the whole, our women hate such an approach and label it as their man not listening to them. The authors continually warn the reader of the danger of such behavior and state that in order to really create a bond with his woman, a man must instead be fully attentive.

What I really liked about this book is that while it’s not a pick-up book per se, it does run the gamut from meeting a woman to keeping the passion alive in a preexisting relationship. Even though one would have to put the ideas here into practice in order to really assess their effectiveness, there’s just a sensibility to all of them that really makes you feel like they’re legit. No tricks, no gimmicks, just honesty, affection, caring, and playfulness. It’s hard to argue with that kind of formula.

In the end, the reader is still the one who has to get out there and do the work, but with the help of this book, I think he will find doing so a lot less frustrating.

-Brian Sachetta
Author of “Get Out of Your Head”

[Frank · Rating 3 out of 5]

I had hoped this book would be a good one for counseling couples preparing for marriage. I will stick with Gottman's Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work for that. But this could be the perfect book for a college age male. A good gift for a son.

[شيماء فؤاد]

I liked it .. It's a light book. science-based and written in a funny and easy way.
It explains women accurately.. I like the summary after each chapter.
we need another one woman's guide to men <3

[Aurelija · Rating 5 out of 5]

know what to ask for

[Amberly · Rating 4 out of 5]

I enjoyed this book and felt like the Gottman’s were thorough in their research. The book is entertaining to read overall. It’s the kind of book you could even read selecting chapter by chapter.

[Andrew Dowd · Rating 4 out of 5]

If you've ever been confounded when a date went bad or a relationship soured, the answers you seek very well could be within "The Man's Guide to Women."
Written by two couples, long-time experts in studying love, this book uses science, research, evolution, and humor to explain the differences between how men and women think and operate. It covers everything -- meeting women, dating, romance, sex, relationships, and raising kids. The book provides lots of simple advice men can use to improve their relationships with women.

One of the first assertions in the book is a very empowering message for men -- what men do in a relationship is the main factor in determining if it's a good one or a bad one.
So this is not a book telling men to roll over or just acquiesce to their partner as a way to keep things going. This is a book to guide men into taking smart actions.

In some cases, inaction is even advised.
A chapter on how the hunter-gatherer roles of ancient humans factors into the different styles of shopping for men and women advises men to duck out of shopping trips if they can't be good about the time women take. The advice is either not go at all or camp out somewhere in the mall where you can relax while she shops.

Another eye-opening chapter in the book explained how mens' desire to solve problems gets badly in the way during conversations with women when all the latter wants is to have her emotions acknowledged. (And that's not even necessarily agreed with, but just acknowledged.) Knowing that before would've personally saved me numerous failed attempts to troubleshoot a girlfriend's problems when I just had to sit there, listen and show just a little empathy. That sounds much easier!

There are a lot of great insights in the book about ways to navigate the differences between sexes to maintain a good relationship. I'm sure for some men, a lot of this will reflect what they've already done. Others may be clueless. For me it was a mix of stuff that came naturally, and other things that explained a whole lot about past relationships that didn't work out.

For your convenience, each chapter of the book ends with bulleted lists of DOs and DON'Ts to summarize the key points. And there are occasional humerous comics, anecdotes, and quips in the book to keep it funny. It's an enjoyable, easy-to-digest read.

This is not a book of "tricks" to get women in bed -- the authors take a few jabs at such sleazy pick-up guides. But the authors do say this relationship advice should lead to more frequent and better sex. So if that's what you're looking for, the book doesn't deny you that goal.

Yes, I was a little embarrassed to check out a relationship advice book from the library. (Working evenings in a library does help me covertly bring books home without waiting in line at the front desk, so that did help.) But I was glad I picked up this book. Read it once and then went back through it a second time to refresh myself on some key points.

[Jennifer · Rating 4 out of 5]

My husband and I read this together over the course of several months, discussing as we went. We learned a lot. Much of the information taught really goes both ways, although this book is specifically directed at men. There is an undertone of humor that may or may not be off-putting. We didn't mind, seeing as much of it is based on common cultural bias.

The most important takeaways are to be a trustworthy partner, be attuned to your partner and seek to know each other, help each other, stay committed, love each other. . .

The Gottmans and Abramses rock relationship education. We can always count on them to teach us some new skills. John Gottman is considered the authority on relationship research, counseling, and understanding. We have found his books and institute's articles to be reliable and relatable as resources for learning to communicate better, turn towards each other, and to help us strengthen our marriage.

[Evan Micheals · Rating 2 out of 5]

I recommended John Gottman to someone I see professionally and he advised me he was going to read this. I decided to co-read it so we could discuss it. A lot of it is advise on how be a better partner, but I found Mate: Become the Man Women Want by Geoffrey Miller and Tucker Max to be a superior book. A lot of the recommendations were similar, but Miller and Max wrote better and more in depth. This is an OK book if you are a man seeking to improve yourself within a relationship. As with any self help book take the recommendations with a grain of salt, because women are not all the same, neither are men. I could recognise that some of the recommendations would make my marriage worse. I look forward to discussing the book with the person I recommended Gottman too.

[Michael Davenport · Rating 3 out of 5]

I knew most of the books content already because of being married. However, I like this advice the authors gave, when you (male) are in an argument take at least a 20 min break and do something meaningless to diffuse the flooded hormones. If more time is needed relay that to your wife, until you are in a peaceful state to talk about the situation.