Hard To Do: The Surprising, Feminist History of Breaking Up

by Kelli María Korducki

Whatever the underlying motives—be they love, financial security, or mere masochism—the fact is that getting involved in a romantic partnership is emotionally, morally, and even politically fraught. In Hard To Do, Kelli Marìa Korducki turns a Marxist lens on the relatively short history of romantic love, tracing how the myth of economic equality between men and women has transformed the ways women conceive of domestic partnership. With perceptive, reported insights on the ways marriage and divorce are legislated, the rituals of twentieth-century courtship, and contemporary practices for calling it off, Korducki reveals that, for all women, choosing to end a relationship is a radical action with very limited cultural precedent.

Kelli Marìa Korducki is a journalist and cultural critic. Her byline has appeared frequently in the Globe and Mail and National Post, as well as in the New Inquiry, NPR, the Walrus, Vice, and the Hairpin. She was nominated for a 2015 Canadian National Magazine Award for "Tiny Triumphs," a 10,000-word meditation on the humble hot dog for Little Brother Magazine. A former editor-in-chief of the popular daily news blog Torontoist, Korducki is based in Brooklyn and Toronto.

Genres: Nonfiction, Feminism, History, Essays, Relationships, Womens, Love

144 pages, Paperback

First published January 9, 2018

Reviews

[Gillian Goerz · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is the book we need right now. Korducki does what 90% of relationship columnists and therapists fail to do: talk about relationships through a systemic and historic lens. That might not sound scintillating at first, but trust me, this is not a text book. Having a deft writer point out, name and give well-researched examples of fears and suspicions you've always had but doubted... it's scintillating as hell. And deeply reassuring.

Korducki is an excellent writer and blends extremely relatable personal experience with research and cultural touch points from the Bachelor/ette to Jane Austin and beyond. She points out the necessary truth: that our template for relationships isn't inherent, and her deconstruction of where we came from and how we got here - for me - was incredibly freeing. And it made me wonder, why isn't EVERYONE talking about relationships like this?

While it places a lot of focus on relationships between women & men, she addresses nuances around different types of love and relationships (all gender, poly, cis, trans, etc.) making this a book that every person can connect with regardless of the way they try/fail/succeed at love and relationships.

[Shagufta · Rating 3 out of 5]

One of my finds at Toronto’s @typebooks, this was an interesting exploration of how relationships are posited to be the be all end all of female happiness and of how relationships shape women, disadvantage women, and overall tries to give a history of western partnerships. This is a very western account but the author does try to point out the the narrative is very western and white and includes critiques and perspectives of other theorists along the way. My critique is that I thought it would explore the act of breaking up more, rather than being such a historical, survey account. Still, interesting read, definitely was food for thought. 3 stars.

[Meg]

Interesting! this is the second of the Exploded Views series that I've read this year. Korducki provides a concise rundown of the domestic partnership in western culture and women's socialization into holding onto partnerships. I wanted more of that second part than I got. I should look up the article she quotes from Dear Sugar (Cheryl Strayed) instead:

"Go, even though you love him.
Go, even though he's kind and faithful and dear to you.
Go, even though he's your best friend and you're his.
Go, even though you can't imagine your life without him.
Go, even though he adores you and your leaving will devastate him.
Go, even though your friends will be disappointed or surprised or pissed off or all three.
Go, even though you once said you would stay.
Go even though you're afraid of being alone.
Go, even though you're sure no one will ever love you as well as he does.
Go, even though there is nowhere to go.
Go, even though you don't know exactly why you can't stay.
Go, because you want to.
Because wanting to leave is enough."

'Because wanting it is enough' kinda brings the whole thing full circle for me :)

[Krystina · Rating 3 out of 5]

What I loved about this book was that it asks an important question. Why are monogamous relationships structured as a societal norm and is this structure still relevant for modern women? The author chooses to take a more quantitative approach to answering the question, skipping on real-life stories in the narrative. I don’t mind that approach, but the volume was so slim that the author didn’t have the space to dig into any subject in depth. Aspects of feminist Marxism are so complex that they were skipped altogether. It ends up being a clunky assortment of facts and thoughts that don’t quite flow right. Still, I love the topic, I love where the author’s head was at. If only the book were 5x longer, then each chapter could’ve been expanded to include more takeaway content.

[Tara · Rating 3 out of 5]

3.5 stars. I picked this up from a library display for its historical aspect, and did find some interesting tidbits, especially about the transformation from the rural to urban communities and what that entailed for relationships and women's issues. And I love the idea of this series, basically long essays turned into little books. But it is just an essay in the end, and can't fully capture the full spectrum of this topic. But a good quick read.

[Marie-Therese · Rating 2 out of 5]

Maybe 2.5 if I'm feeling generous,

There's really nothing new here, no fresh insights or highlighting of obscure research-certainly nothing "surprising"; even the author's personal story of a breakup seems more tacked on than illuminating. This is all the same bog-standard stuff you'd find in a longer news article or Sunday magazine piece and it's told with about the same basic vocabulary and style. Disappointing.

[Lauren Simmons · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is definitely *a history* so if you don’t like a deep dive into St Augustine, Austen, courtly love, and much more, then, be warned I guess? The best parts of this book for me were when we see more of Kelli’s own truth and thought process on wrestling with the things things she’s exploring. MOAR KELLI! I came away with a lot to think about.

[Katy · Rating 2 out of 5]

It’s a small book but with pages of citations a mile long. I didn’t care for the writing style of stringing thoughts together from other sources, it felt like going vine to vine when I wanted a moment to explore the jungle.

[Ella Dawson · Rating 4 out of 5]

A fascinating, accessible academic read. It felt more like a history of relationships and marriage, as opposed to breaking up, but it offers a good sense of the expanding freedom of women to make choices for themselves and their families.

[Ash · Rating 2 out of 5]

Unearthed a signed ARC and wondered if some of the limitations would be covered in pre-publication edits, but many of the reviews here are along the exact lines of my critiques. Yes, this is absolutely limited to discussion of the US and England in modern history (with occasional brief references to Canada and a few paragraphs on history of Rome, early Christianity, and the genre of courtly love), despite the author often referring to "Europe and the Americas"; yes, despite a basically decent if very brief chapter on the Dred Scott v. Sandford decision, many of the literary references and direct sources quoted in the text (if not the separate works cited) are white. The author briefly notes her complex feelings about Spanish conquest of her mother's native Salvador (colonialism often manifests in rape and forced population changes through pregnancy as well as settlement), as in two sentences, and the existence of racial dynamics in relationships and romance generally aren't explored any further.

Honestly though, my main difficulties lie in the way gender itself and its related dynamics are discussed. Given that the blurb previews an overview of socioeconomic dynamics in romantic partnerships between men/women, I assumed I was in for a (feminist) cishet perspective focusing on women's autonomy; I was curious to see the author refer to “women and femmes” without definition or contrast. The existence of non-heterosexual relationships arose briefly, but were never unpacked except for a summary acknowledgement of the Supreme Court's 2015 judgment allowing gay marriage, and two pages at the end with a lesbian writer couple who help other queer women "identify the conflicting signals between biological impulses and emotional needs - something that straight-leaning women might have a leg up on". Um, what? The author asks one of the pair, a relationship counselor, "whether some version of the 'rare good man' exists in queer communities". Is this the 1970s? In a book dedicated entirely to the experience and prospects of women in relationships, why in the world would you look to model "an exceptional man" among lesbians and other queer women?

To be quite frank I don't see the point of using the phrase "women and femmes" in a book that does not meaningfully address queerness at all, and makes more reference to gendered stereotypes present in magazines like Cosmo, social media forums like Reddit, and prime examples of self-help dysfunction available on Amazon such as "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus". Even in a short tome, if someone markets herself as presenting a Marxist/feminist analysis of relationships, I'm going to expect some kind of genuine engagement with feminist texts or theory to explore how womanhood is constructed, within or independently of relationships--at least more than a few short paragraphs on bell hooks and Audre Lorde on white feminism's impact on women of color and those with less economic security. I probably should have known that wasn't coming from a clearly alienated short interlude about sugaring on SeekingArrangements ("maybe life would have been easier in the medium term if I'd held my nose and plunged headfirst into the sugar bowl as a twenty-four-year-old"): if you want to explore commercialized dynamics between men and women in the modern age... it may be worth challenging your own stigma against even light forms of sex work to discuss the topic with some of those best positioned to speak on it. Even a brief quote amongst a review of suffrage and early labor rights for women claims that "Prostitutes, by far, made the highest wages of all American women" without acknowledging how varied a field it is, and presuming brothel-style employment across the board rather than street work. Or, hell, the vast wage disparities between women of different abilities, ages, migrant/citizen status, races, sexualities, and education/qualifications here…

All that being said, knowing that this press essentially commissions longer-form essays published as short books from journalists, it may not be the labor review of women's prospects both in a wider world as well as within marriage/committed partnerships that I'd want to recommend to friends, but I reluctantly understand its use as a primer to spark interest in continued reading… but even the promised break-up content felt entirely personal and passing rather than unpacking a complex event and social moment most people will have to face time and again!

[Kaylie · Rating 5 out of 5]

I LOVED THIS BOOK. Smart and sharp, an economic history of marriage that emphasizes the increasing and unfair pressure on single-partner marriage to satisfy every need. Like a lovely feminist manifesto that draws the same conclusion I always do: RELATIONSHIP ANARCHY.

[Leah Rachel von Essen · Rating 4 out of 5]

Kelly María Korducki’s Hard to Do: The Surprising, Feminist History of Breaking Up intrigued me from the start. I had read a good amount in both fiction and non-fiction about how the fight for the right to divorce is a feminist fight for women’s freedom and ability to choose for themselves.

Korducki’s book begins strong, with a fascinating set of questions about why modern-day women feel so much pressure to find the right man, about why they feel so bad about breaking up with “good men.” Her questions are rooted in memoir and in her Marxist philosophy and outlook—she puts much of the blame on the history of gaining the right to marriage for love and divorce, and the way marriage is part of economic prosperity. Unfortunately, I knew much of the history she recounts in the majority of the book—the feminist history of winning the right to divorce—and so found myself skimming somewhat. While her humor was sometimes off-putting while she discussed certain issues, her voice bled away more and more in the history section as well. I think the main strengths of this philosophy rested in her more personal investigations of modern-day love, marriage, break-ups, and divorce, and less so in the history, and I wish she’d brought it back more so to the interesting voice of the first few chapters. This wasn’t my favorite—at certain points through her sarcasm or through her arguments, I felt she was much too dismissive of certain issues—but to be fair, I knew much of this history already, and it would be a useful and short tome for anyone who wants to learn more about a crucial piece of feminist history through a Marxist lens. This book was given to me by the publisher in exchange for an honest review.

[Nasteho · Rating 2 out of 5]

This book was a quick and interesting read. My major qualm with it is that although it did discuss the history of relationship dissolution, divorces and "breaking up", it really felt more like a history of relationships and the change in women's roles. I appreciated that the author acknowledged that the focus on the book would be predominately the experience white middle class heterosexual women and took the time to point out when an aspect of the history did not apply to the wider population

Maybe I missed something, or maybe I've had vastly different experiences from the author but even after reading the entire book, I still can't understand why the author and other (modern day) women are breaking up with men they supposedly love and who are caring and supportive. She states that when breaking up, they are unable to pin point a reason for the breakup other than that they no longer want to be in the relationship (which is a justifiable reason on its own). I really wonder if this experience is common among current young women.

[Kevin · Rating 3 out of 5]

My impression of this book changed as I read it. Sometimes it really felt like I was reading a dry history, but then other times it pumped out quick theses in informative, short bursts. It's no Most Dramatic Ever: The Bachelor in terms of punchy explorations of 21st century topics, but it does the job. Wish it had a bit more warmth to it, but I guess breaking up isn't wholly warm in itself...

[Dena C · Rating 3 out of 5]

Interesting and readable, but it's more of a history of marriage and relationships than a history of breaking up. Which, I guess, is the point -- it's only within a small recent slice modern history that women have had the agency to break up or divorce, and understanding how we got this agency requires an understanding of the many centuries where we didn't. I still really enjoyed this, but I feel like there were a number of places where the author opened the door to an interesting angle on breakups and then turned to something else.

[Jena · Rating 3 out of 5]

While this was a fast and interesting read, I'm honestly not sure what its supposed to be about. Despite the title it really isn't about breaking up at all. It more about the history of women in relationships in general.

[Déa · Rating 5 out of 5]

Adoré ce livre ! Il parle de tellement de sujet que peu laisser penser son titre. Autour de la notion du couple, du mariage, du féminisme l’auteure dissèque tout ça sous l’angle du féminisme. J’ai beaucoup appris !

[Shimista · Rating 2 out of 5]

Stopped at pg 60... not interested in continuing

[Pouliewaeg · Rating 5 out of 5]

I came to this book hoping for a post-mortem on my personal history of walking away from good relationships that only a generation ago, would have surely caused my matriarchal line of ancestors to settle down into a sure thing. I was not disappointed: every page seemingly applied more balm to my still-broken heart, a victim of a society that, going back to Eve, blames the female for any disturbance to the natural order.

In Hard To Do, the author plumbs the history of feminism and Western society to lay out the case for the dissolution of relationships as a means of emancipation, specially female emancipation (though its wisdom is relevant to male and non-binary marginalized individuals making break-ups, as well).

Drawing on some expected sources, like Wollstonecraft, Emma Goldman and Betty Friedan, as well as a wealth of unexpected ones: Taylor Swift, Cheryl Strayed, women's magazines like Flare and online windows into pop culture like Reddit and HelloGiggles, the text carries a reader through a robust explanation for the economic origins of the patriarchy, without over-using that word.

Some of my favourite passages, highlighted during reading:

"The Spanish conquest of Latin America is written neatly into my own DNA, a story of white men and the brown women they'd conquered. 'A cow never gives away the milk for free,' my Salvadoran mother advised me the moment I began dating, as though the only thing any boy could possibly want from me was sex. Witholding it, without regard for my own desire, was understood to be the sole bargaining chip at my disposal."

"My freedom to craft a life entirely in service of my personal will is a likely unprecedented privilege among my family's women, and one most women currently living will never have the unearned luxury of knowing firsthand. If I sound optimistic, it's because I've yielded to the sybaritic thrall of false confidence."

[KT · Rating 3 out of 5]

A brief and breezy read covering the economic basis for marriage - the contract of marriage was founded as an economic alliance and it remains as much today: shared roof, shared bills, shared wealth or lack thereof. If it weren’t, we wouldn’t need to involve the state to make it real, nor lawyers to make it stop. The roles class and race play in marriage are also discussed as well as more broadly the political nature of marriage noting that no relationship is an island, rather they are socio-cultural units informed by the world at large. Even the most egalitarian partnerships must negotiate the power structures that threaten to reproduce themselves, on a micro level, within every marriage and romance and bed. And because of this, the unevenness in which women experience partnership is fundamentally fraught in ways that men might never know.

Another highlight was the chapter discussing ‘coverture,’ a thirteenth-century English common law, recognized single adult women as sole legal entities, but only until they were wed, at which point they forfeited their lawful personhood and became, in the eyes of church and law, an extension of their husbands’ persons. Thus under coverture, a woman’s rights were literally covered by those of her husband and the book describes historical marriage as a women's erasure rather than the more popular definition of a husband's de facto ownership of his wife. Then the continued practice of women taking their husband’s surnames upon marriage can also trace its origins to coverture.

[Hilary Veen · Rating 4 out of 5]

The book is reminding us all that we go through life because our society and culture are manipulating our behaviours without us even realizing it, telling us what to want and how to live. How many of us are brave enough to think for ourselves. The amazing thing I noticed is that even though I am in a relationship with a “good enough man” I have been carrying this book around with me for a few days, and he hasn’t even asked me what im reading. I don’t have to worry about him asking me why I’m reading a book about breaking up because he shows so little interest in what I’m interested in. That’s a man in our culture. I want my two 20 year old daughters to read this but also realize that people want to believe the fairytale, and don’t want to burst their bubble. But us girls know in our hearts, minds and bodies, somethings not right and we yearn for so much more for ourselves than following a man around and living as a second.

[Andrea · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was a rather short but excellent read for me. This book discusses to reasons why women break up with men, good men, in our culture these days and how our dating history has evolved over the decades. She goes wayy back to slave marriages in the 1700's and 1800's through modern days. Alot of her anecdotal evidence from her substantial research really was profoundly interesting for me and painted a unique picture regarding we as women today and how our lives have evolved over the past few hundred years regarding marriage. It was engrossing and thought provoking. A recommended short novel for those looking for a short, but good read.

[Sophie · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book begins with a coherent and well-developed argument about how the narrative of the "good guy" can make it difficult for women to end unhappy relationships. The rest of it is mostly about the development of marriage/divorce in the west, without much of a focus on the actual act of "breaking up". A connection between this history and the present-day "good guy" dilemma would have been really interesting, and I kept on waiting for it but it never happened. This is an interesting read but doesn't exactly cover what it promises to cover from the title or description.

[Ellie A · Rating 3 out of 5]

Well-written and engaging book with lots of interesting historical material on marriage and relationships (all material you can get from academic texts on the topics, but which is nicely summarized and synthesized here). Bizarrely, however, precious little of the book is actually about break-ups, so the title is really a misnomer. It almost felt as though the author was advised to frame the book around break-ups after it was already drafted so that it would stand out, because there are already a lot of books on the history of marriage.

[Kelsey · Rating 2 out of 5]

Don’t bother reading this book if you’re a historian especially if you ever do gender studies as nothing will be new or surprising. I was hoping it would give me some insight on a personal level 🙃 but it was just a brief overview of relationships throughout time with a few interesting statistics. Could be a good introduction to the subject, I suppose, but I didn’t much care for the writing style either.

[Frankie Moonz · Rating 4 out of 5]

Oops I finished this book two years ago but forgot to mark it as read…Anyway I remember finding it a) really helpful while navigating heartbreak b) a really lovely accessible feminist theoretical take on breakups and the opportunity for women to have the economic and social power live on their own for the first time in history. I have recommended this book to so many friends navigating breakups but honestly it’s a great read even if you’re not going through a break up.

[Kyla Belvedere · Rating 3 out of 5]

Didn't hold my interest the entire way because admittedly it was a bit above my level of understanding at some points, but this text got me thinking about topics surrounding relationships (ending) with a feminist lens. The voice is humorous; the book is well written and edited, so I am interested in seeing more in this interesting series.

[Jenny · Rating 4 out of 5]

Good introduction to the feminist evolution of romantic partnerships. Valid critiques and full of references to different texts that I intend to explore further. I enjoyed that it hit a lot of points on intersectionality of race, class, and gender with feminism as well as queer relations.

[Nancy · Rating 3 out of 5]

I got this short book when it came out 5 years ago, but hadn't read it until now. It's an intelligent, academic look at the history and implications of romantic relationships, not merely breaking up (and divorce) as the title suggests.

[Ramsey Mathews · Rating 5 out of 5]

If you're looking for a well written historical, legal, political, and socio-economic timeline of marriage, relationships, and independence from the 18th century to now, this is it. Chapter 6 - "Life's Short, Get a Divorce" should be the subtitle for the book.