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320 pages, Kindle Edition
First published April 16, 2019
[T]hen there was kissing and all of a sudden I just knew I was not into him. No, not him, the whole sex thing. I’d just been mimicking what I saw other people do, thinking it was what I should do, thinking it was what I should do, but then, when it was actually happening, it just felt . . . crap, and I didn’t want to kiss, let alone let it progress any further. (p. 110).
“You’re gay and I’m—”
“I’m bi, and he knows that.”
“Well, I’m not, and he knows that too.”
His hand slides across the bed to brush mine. I pull my hand away and stand up. “I’m not het either, … So just back the fuck off, okay?”
He looks genuinely surprised. “I thought you were just . . .”
“Waiting for you to notice me?” I laugh. “Nope.” (p. 154).
Turns out that watching thermonuclear war from space in real time didn’t just run off me like water. Maybe I am human, after all. (p. 14).
But it isn’t enough to armor myself against all feelings, no matter how much I pride myself upon my ability to switch off that emotional bollocks whenever I need to. (p. 82).
But I hold him tight and I pretend that I have forgiven him for being nothing more than I am: a cold collection of trained responses, pretending to be a person. (p. 233).
They trained me to hide what I thought and felt, and the whole time they thought they were removing those feelings altogether. Like all things put under threat, my emotions simply went underground. (p. 90).
I am aware of a cavernous space inside me, a dark emptiness that is so deep, so intense, that it might be who I really am. Maybe I’m not a person at all. Maybe I am just an emotional void, crafted into the semblance of a capable, clever woman who costs far less to maintain in a corporate structure than a real, free individual. (pp. 219-220).
“One, Dee. Today was the first time. I mean, I know you’re tough, but . . . it was a relief to know you’re human after all.”
“Was there any doubt?”
He shrugs. “[…] Maybe ‘human’ is the wrong word.”
But then again, maybe it isn’t, I think. I’ve had less of an emotional life than most of the NPCs I’ve shot. No, that’s not true. They’ve performed more emotionality than I’ve ever experienced. But he’s still looking at me, expectant. (p. 225).



