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304 pages, Paperback
Published January 2, 2018
We cannot know our patients with EDs fully unless we dwell in the experience of their symptoms; and yet with our good intentions, benevolent desires, and heroic efforts we aim to unearth all of the terror, yearning, and longing that will reveal a person who is prepared to face death in order to survive.
“What if the feeling of helplessness never goes away?” she asks. She and I both know it won’t ever really go away for good. It is part of her, that previously disowned experience, the part she has escaped by bingeing, throwing up, thinking about her body. I know the question is not “will it go away”, but instead, “what will she do about it? Now what?”
Our work in EDs presents inherent paradoxes as our patients’ pain is their relief, their balm, and their best attempt at a cure. Somehow in the quagmire of these illnesses we must remain invested in the idea of these symptoms as solutions to unbearable psychic pain; and we must also confront our own fears of approaching the chains, while recognizing that the weight of these shackles become a part of the self that can easily be forgotten, dismissed, or ignored because the alternative of living without their grip is more frightening. While we may want to champion hope and believe that our clients are among the 30 to 50 per cent who “fully recover,” our task is much harder – we must wait, without knowing whether we can help; we must bear the terrifying affects and losses our patients know in their marrow; and we must realize our efforts are sometimes the gradual unraveling of a spool of thread that has never been revealed and may break many times in the process.