Turning to One Another: Simple Conversations to Restore Hope to the Future

by Margaret J. Wheatley

""I believe we can change the world if we start talking to one another again."" With this simple declaration, Margaret Wheatley proposes that citizens band together with their colleagues and friends to create the solutions for social change, both locally and globally, that are so badly needed. Such change will not come from governments or corporations but from the ageless process of thinking together in conversation. Turning to One Another encourages this process. Part One explores the power of conversation and the conditions -- simplicity, personal courage, real listening, and diversity -- that support it. Part Two provides ten ""conversation starters"" -- questions that in Wheatley's experience have led people to share their deepest beliefs, fears, and hopes.

Genres: Leadership, Nonfiction, Social Justice, Self Help, Education, Business, Spirituality

150 pages, Paperback

First published January 1, 2002

About the author

Margaret Wheatley, Ed.D. began caring about the world’s peoples in 1966 as a Peace Corps volunteer in post-war Korea. As a consultant, senior-level advisor, teacher, speaker, and formal leader, she has worked on all continents (except Antarctica) with all levels, ages, and types of organizations, leaders, and activists. Her work now focuses on developing and supporting leaders globally as Warriors for the Human Spirit. These leaders put service over self, stand steadfast through crises and failures, and make a difference for the people and causes they care about. With compassion and insight, they know how to invoke people’s inherent generosity, creativity, kindness, and community–no matter what’s happening around them.

Margaret has written ten books, including the classic Leadership and the New Science, and been honored for her pathfinding work by many professional associations, universities, and organizations. She received her Doctorate from Harvard University in 1979, an M.A. in Media Ecology from NYU in 1974, and a B.A. from University of Rochester in 1966. She spent a year at University College London 1964-65.

Reviews

[Karen Jordan · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book was the closest thing to a spiritual renewal I have experienced in a long while. Wheatley argues convincingly that we need to restore the practice of conversation. That our state of exhaustion, frustration, and anxiety are built upon a foundation of quick, dispassionate, joyless exchanges. I would encourage anyone who is feeling a bit disheartened about our world and consider Wheatley's position that human connectedness is the place from which we can find solutions, hope, and faith in each other. Really wonderful.

[Brian Stout · Rating 5 out of 5]

Meg Wheatley is a gift: clear, wise, kind, warm. Asking us to be our best selves, and giving us a roadmap to get there.

A friend recommended this book, and I picked it up that day from my local store on the way home. The clerk hadn't heard of it, but after looking in two different places (business leadership, self-help) we found it: one copy, their only work of hers (despite it being not her most famous) waiting patiently on the shelf. An omen.

It's a beautiful book, at once an ode and a call to action. The title resonated for me with the work of John and Julie Gottman and their concept of "turning toward" in a relationship. The simplicity is its strength: it's about relationship, about connection, and about inviting each other into compassionate listening. It's what we all want, but our society so often makes difficult. It need not be thus, and it starts with us. Recommend: a good read for this moment of slow-moving (and fast-accelerating) global apocalypse; a reminder that we have agency. Some quotes for posterity:

P. 9 "All change, even very large and powerful change, begins when a few people start talking with one another about something they care about."

P. 36 "It's not differences that divide us, it's judgments about each other that do."

P. 55 "If we want to change the conversation, we have to change who's in the conversation."

P. 75 "Oppression never occurs between equals."

P. 89 "Listening creates relationship."

P. 90 "If we meet, and when we listen, we reweave the world into wholeness."

P. 99 "If we want our world to be different, our first act needs to be reclaiming time to think."

P. 107 "A healthy ecosystem is always composed of many diverse species living together as a network of cooperation."

P. 117 "We create enough space for our own self-expression only by inviting in everybody else's uniqueness."

P. 133-4 notion of sacred as core to belonging: "In a sacred moment, I experienced that wholeness. I know I belong here."

P. 140 "Conversation is the practice of freedom... Conversation can only take place among equals."

[V Massaglia · Rating 5 out of 5]

A must read! I'm so glad I reread this assume book. It's very timely and could have been written today. I'm planning on continuing to use in my work and in helping to make our world a better place a better place.

V

[Peter Van · Rating 5 out of 5]

Here we go, my first book finished this year. A great book about conversations, reaching out and building relationships as a way to overcome fear, become fearless.
Not a very practical book, but enough food for thought to be interesting till the end. Beautiful words.

[Judy · Rating 4 out of 5]

Our adult class at church studied this book that encourages active listening.

[Khoi Nguyen · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book is healing to read as it reminds me about the "good nature of humans", assumed by many.

[Chris · Rating 4 out of 5]

My only complaint about this book is that there's not more of it. I love everything about it except its short length. I could read more of these thoughts and themes all day. If we want things (anything) to be better, we need to talk to each other more--with honesty, openness, kindness, and listening. This book provides a philosophy, guide, and prompts for doing so.

Here's a big more from Wheatley:

I've noticed that many of us harbor negative beliefs about each other. Or we believe that there's nothing we can do to make a difference. Or that things are so crazy that we have to look out only for ourselves. With these beliefs, we cannot turn to one another. We won't engage together for the work that needs to be done. . . .

I believe we can change the world if we start listening to one another again. Simple, honest, human conversation. Not meditation, negotiation, problem-solving, debate, or public meetings. Simple, truthful conversation where we each have a chance to speak, we each feel heard, and we each listen well. . . .

We each experience life differently. It's impossible for any two people to ever see things exactly the same. . . .

To be curious about how someone else interprets things, we have to be willing to admit that we're not capable of figuring things out alone. . . .

When we listen with less judgment, we always develop better relationships with each other. It's not differences that divide us. It's our judgments about each other that do. Curiosity and good listening bring us back together. . . .

As the world grows more strange and puzzling and difficult, I don't believe most of us want to keep struggling through it alone. I can't know what to do from my own narrow perspective. I know I need a better understanding of what's going on. I want to sit down with you and talk about all the frightening and hopeful things I observe, and listen to what frightens you and gives you hope. I need new ideas and solutions for the problems I care about. I know I need to talk to you to discover those. I need to learn to value your perspective, and I want you to value mine. I expect to be disturbed by what I hear from you. I know we don't have to agree with each other in order to think well together. There is no need for us to be joined at the head. We are joined by our human hearts.

[Lynne Ellen · Rating 3 out of 5]

So little has changed in the twenty years since this book was written. The set up is good - why conversations are important and changing our own mindset when approaching conversations with others. However, the actual conversation topics.....not so easy. I honestly can't imagine asking people the majority of these questions. I may discuss them with people I've known well, but there's no easing into, "What am I willing to notice in the world?" or "Do I feel a vocation to be fully human?" They certainly aren't bad questions, but unless you are in a room of academics, the majority of responses are going to be blank stares with no words.

[Cathy · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a book that everyone should read. Meg Wheatley writes about human behavior and communication. This book, originally written in 2002 and augmented in 2008, speaks to the need for us to slow down, spend time in conversation and dialogue, and thereby build community.

Like Margaret Mead, she argues that great change happens when two or more people engage in meaningful conversations.


The book is short and full of inspirational ideas, poetry and 10 conversation starters.

Very highly recommended.

[Julia · Rating 5 out of 5]

A great read. It should not have taken me so long to read it but there was a long lag from when I first got started.

A great book for the leader invested in developing community and conversation for the benefit of the greater good. The book was shared by another leader and it’s definitely outside of the circles of some of those I read. I am glad they passed it along and it was a delight to see how I could identify some of the principles outlined present in my friend’s organization and leadership.

[Jennifer Stoy · Rating 4 out of 5]

I engaged very angrily with this, but also I engaged with it very deeply because I feel strongly that sometimes books like this elide things like "there is a large population of people who will not engage in conversation in good faith and they cause a lot of the problems here" but it absolutely got me thinking and yelling and conversing, so...

[Margaret R · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book was a gift many years ago and I read it then. Recently I heard some beautiful quotes from it and read it again. It is worth reading.
“There is no power greater than a community discovering what it cares about.”

[Sahana · Rating 5 out of 5]

Time to begin talking again

A book whose time has come. A must read if we dream of bringing about true change and having courageous conversations...

[LG · Rating 1 out of 5]

I want my lessons to be more specific.

[Yoselis · Rating 5 out of 5]

Inspiring. It’s practical and down to earth. So humanistic. So many good quotes. This book has filled my soul. Now, to take action and start worthy conversations.

[Kathy · Rating 4 out of 5]

Will forever be on my coffee table and definitive list of important gifts for everyone I love and cherish, starting with the package I sent my teaching adviser this morning.

[Kristi · Rating 4 out of 5]

I am now 76 and feel that my ability to help improve the world is shrinking as I am aging. I have never given up on learning and growing through reading and media. Whenever I am with others I feel that keeping my brain active and informed is always a positive regardless of whether we agree completely. As a person who worked in a pediatric ER and taught psyhology at the college level for decades I could know that I truly made life better for others every day. Whether it was holding a dead baby in my arms while other members of the staff dealt with broken parents, recognizing the imminent danger in the appearance of a 2-week-old and getting her immediate help or telling a freshman who had failed my first exam that he could get an A for my course - that I graded on improvement not on the fact that as a new college student he had never learned how to study. Together he earned an A for the course. Because I dealt with life and death issues and worked to teach young people, retiring feels like a great loss. I loved to teach Intro Psych the most because I believed it was like teaching a language. I knew that the vast majority of my students would not become psychologists, but I hoped that 25 years later they could read an article about the brain or mental illness and have a vocabulary to help them understand, I do not feel that I am / was more valuable than a great carpenter or an excellent tenant farmer ( my father and uncles ). Doing any work well improves quality of life for oneself and those we encounter. I live in Minneapolis. The Democratic Speaker of our House of Representatives was just assassinated by a MAGA believer. I love the fact that 5 million individuals protested for No Kings while Agent Orange pretended he was Vladimir Putin having a military parade in front of a few thousand people. I am physically unable to march. I vote!! I emailed Justin Trudeau and apologized that our Idiot wants to make Canada the 51st state. I wrote to Bishop Budde and thanked her for speaking truth to power at the innauguration day service. Fortunately all my beloved friends, except one, fear the authoritarian and dangerous path that is destroying the American constitution. I feel impotent!! One good choice that I made has helped my sense of community. When we members sold our co-op (land, building, and apartments ) where I had lived for 35 years I began to look for a senior condo where I would live until I left on a gurney or in a box... I had always lived on the southern side of the city and began looking there. What I could afford was a 700 square foot box for $150,000 to $200,000. I knew a realtor who is a man of Color. He asked if he could show me places on he North side. Historically this side of the city was where the unwanted were allowed to live. In the early 1900s, Minneapolis saw a rise in the use of restrictive covenants written into property deeds. These were discriminatory legal clauses designed to prevent certain groups, including Jews, from buying or living in specific neighborhoods. Restrictive covenants effectively barred Jews, along with African Americans and other minority groups, from purchasing property in certain neighborhoods. Hubert Humphrey, during his time as Mayor of Minneapolis in the mid-1940s, actively combatted antisemitism and racism, transforming the city from a place known for its prejudice into one making concrete progress on civil rights. He established the Mayor's Commission on Human Rights, which later became a model for other cities, and in 1948, Minneapolis enacted the nation's first municipal fair employment law under his leadership. My realtor showed me a co-op and then a condo right off Lowry Avenue. When I walked into this apartment, I spoke when just looking in: This is where I am going to live. 1100 square feet plus a balcony for less than $50,000 simply because it was on the North Side..... We have people of all colors and ethnic backgrounds - Black, Hispanic, African, Middle Eastern, Russian, Indian ( Asian ), and plain old white people. It is such a joy to have my best friends be People of Color!!!!!!! I will never understand the hatred of immigrants. Unless we are Native American or our ancestors were brought here on slave ships, we are all the children of immigrants. I feel such dispair.... All this started with the author's idea that everthing can be overcome by " a few people talking together". I fear that this is what the German people thought as Hitler rose to power and his true purpose came to light. I will try to remember Miss Dickinson. Kristi & Abby Tabby

By Emily Dickinson
“Hope” is the thing with feathers -
That perches in the soul -
And sings the tune without the words -
And never stops - at all -

And sweetest - in the Gale - is heard -
And sore must be the storm -
That could abash the little Bird
That kept so many warm -

I’ve heard it in the chillest land -
And on the strangest Sea -
Yet - never - in Extremity,
It asked a crumb - of me.

[Todd Cheng · Rating 2 out of 5]

This book is okay. It is more a collection of themes from many other trending community topics. Each are valid and based in philosophy, physiology, and good community experience. However, how it is tied together made it harder to for me. It lacked a necessary flow or narrative. I felt the assertions are made but there only casual opinion to justify. It was bumpy like running down a railroad track on the ties.

Good collection of themes. Important. But, the narrative and flow was off when compared to the other mainstream books that have covered these themes in more depth.

[Becky Schaaf · Rating 4 out of 5]

A friend quoted this author shortly before I was going to the largest in-person gathering I've attended since the start of the pandemic. I thought this book would be a good means to put me in a mind set to connect with people, and it served that function well. With an intro on the importance of simple conversation, a smattering of inspiring quotes and poems, and discussions on a set of conversation prompts, this book helps cultivate a frame of mind to connect with others.

[WR · Rating 3 out of 5]

Lovely book advocating good deep conversations. And suggesting broad topics that can be used as conversation starters. I liked the concept/idea. Just that I don't think I would be able to use them in large groups or with many people.

[Ayudante · Rating 3 out of 5]

The style of the book is motivational, very optimistic, and more inspiring than practical.
I like that she presents her insight pretty cohesively. The poems surely complete the aesthetic experience.

I think anyone can benefit from reading this book.

[Val Brown · Rating 4 out of 5]

Very quick read - I finished the meat of it in a few hours. It's part motivational part reminder about what is possible. It will be particularly helpful for me because it really gets to the "why" of my preferred way of building community. As always I'm looking forward to hosting many conversations.

[Lisa Lewton · Rating 4 out of 5]

Simple guide, grounded on good words and hope. Conversation is the giver of healing and wholeness, all the while we rarely engage in an honest expression of conversation. Parts of this book might be a good read for a group of leaders. The topics are simple and important.

[Katy L. · Rating 4 out of 5]

Great book! So many times I read sentences that I wanted to share with others. Though I must say that none of the content was earth-shattering to me, the author writes in such an inspiring manner that I feel it should be required reading for all adults.

[Adrienne · Rating 3 out of 5]

(Audiobook) This book was set as pre reading for a leadership programme I am enrolled in. It set the scene well for the programme and i think we will use the conversation method throughout the programme. The themes and method resonated with me but I didnt feel like it brought anything new.

[Tiffany · Rating 4 out of 5]

Not like anything I have read before. It is a book with a lot of great points and stories. Renews my desire to have great conversation. It gives several conversation starters. It helps to embolden you to start conversations.

[Sheila Cameron · Rating 5 out of 5]

I read this on a day when I needed it most. Simple conversations. Let's have more of them.

[Ed · Rating 5 out of 5]

Excellent, I love Margaret J Wheatley's books

[Nick · Rating 5 out of 5]

Personal takeaway: Conversations are how humanity collectively thinks. The better our conversation skills and the more we employ them, the more humanity will experience meaningful growth.

[Melanie Bisson · Rating 4 out of 5]

An easy and encouraging read. Nothing incredibly profound, but lots of thought nuggets that can serve as great catalysts for positive change.