Sex: An open approach to our unspoken desires.

by The School of Life, Alain de Botton (Series Editor)

An empowering approach to our unspoken desires.

Despite its relative cultural normalization, many couples still find it difficult to communicate about sex. It can feel extremely vulnerable to express sexual desires and identities. With their trademark wisdom and practicality, The School of Life explains that rationality and philosophy can help us understand and articulate our sexual preferences.

By exploring a wide range of sexual enthusiasms, this book helps us compassionately acknowledge aspects of ourselves we may be repressing. The goal of the book is to reduce shame, increase confidence, and prompt moments of courageous and relationship-enhancing honesty.

Genres: Psychology, Nonfiction, Philosophy, Sexuality, Self Help, Social Science, Relationships

128 pages, Hardcover

Published June 12, 2018

About the author

The School of Life is a global organisation helping people lead more fulfilled lives.

We believe that the journey to finding fulfilment begins with self-knowledge. It is only when we have a sense of who we really are that we can make reliable decisions, particularly around love and work.

Sadly, tools and techniques for developing self-knowledge and finding fulfilment are hard to find – they’re not taught in schools, in universities, or in workplaces. Too many of us go through life without ever really understanding what’s going on in the recesses of our minds.

That’s why we created The School of Life; a resource for helping us understand ourselves, for improving our relationships, our careers and our social lives - as well as for helping us find calm and get more out of our leisure hours. We do this through films, workshops, books and gifts - as well as through a warm and supportive community.

Reviews

[Sean Goh · Rating 4 out of 5]

Mildly surprised that NLB would carry this, but proud of them all the same. Our basest, carnal desires are surrounded by shame, largely left closeted and unexpressed. As one other review aptly put, replacing sex education courses with this book might actually work wonders in self-acceptance and overcoming hang-ups.
___
As psychoanalysis has stressed, when we repress things that are important, they make themselves heard in other ways (greed, harsh opinions, bad temper or other forms of risky, damaging behaviour). Freud's lasting contribution was to put his finger on the cost of disavowing powerful parts of ourselves.

Sexual self-acceptance doesn not have to mean abandoning all control or the deliberate flaunting of our less elevated needs at every turn. We don't have to fully embrace every impulse; we just need to be able to admit, in an unfrightened way, that they exist.
The core point of true liberation is to reduce the unfair and debilitating burden of shame with which we continue to wrestle.

Sexual excitement is psychological. It's not so much what our bodies are doing that gets us turned on; it's what happenes in our brains that matters. Although we don't normally spell it out - so it can sound a bit strange - acceptance is at the centre of the kinds of experiences we collectively refer to as 'getting turned on'. Behind the physiological lies the relationship between the Self and the Other. Sexual excitement is the loneliness of the Self powerfully, if briefly, alleviated.

The thrill of oral sex is connected to the brief, magnificent reversal of the generally quite sensible taboos we've internalised. It liberates us from that punishing dichotomy between dirty (genitals) and clean (face, mouth). We can press our mouths, the most public and respectable aspects of our faces, eagerly into the most contaminated parts of the other - thereby symbolising a total psychological approval.
The more unacceptable our behaviour would be to the larger world, the more we feel as if we are builing a haven of mutual acceptance. The pleasure isn't about pleasant physiological sensation at all, it is about acceptance.

Getting turned on during defiling sex is a kind of thrill at the idea that, contrary to all normal expectations, the other person does still like you, even though you are using appalling language or exhibiting other depravities. Although defiling sex seems on the surface to be about hurting another person, really it's about asking if they'll put up with us. It is a quest for intimacy and love - and a delight that, for a time at least, we can be as bad as we like and still be the object of another's affection.

When our partners grow stale, the things that first attracted us to them haven't disappeared, we've just stopped paying as much attention to them. Sometimes a sense of distance - expressed as adventure and exploration - around things and people we feel we know too well can be helpful.

Often the cause of impotence is something we'd not initially expect. It's not lack of desire that leads the erection to fail, the man is certainly turned on. But his desire is joined up with a fear: he's worried that he's imposing on his partner; that she doesn't want him as he actually is. He's impotent not out of lack of desire, but out of a worry that his desires won't be welcome. At base it is a symptom of respect, a fear of causing displeasure through the imposition of our own naked desires.

Pornography doesn't criticise you for being fascinated by weird, kinky shit. Instead of saying you're revolting and disgusting, a porn site is welcoming and compassionate, offering online something we might ideally wish to get from another person: acceptance of the curious ways in which our libido happens to work.

Unfortunately, likeing someone means we almost always want to reduce their ability to survive without us: in the nicest way, we relentlessly try to erode the freedom of the person we love. Gradually, we kill the very spirit of independence that underpinned our desire at the outset.

Two fundamental emotional skills around sexuality that we need to learn: self-acceptance and communication.

[Rebecca · Rating 4 out of 5]

Should be a basic read in sex ed

[Hestia Istiviani · Rating 3 out of 5]

Siapa di sini yg kesel baca menfess FWB di Twitter? 🤣🙋‍♀️🙄

Aku & @hasyemiraws lumayan sering membahas fenomena "bobo bobo lucu" yg seliweran di linimasa Twitter. Nggak sedikit yg bikin kami tercengang karena pertanyaan yg dilontarkan kadang suka di luar nalar 😶 Nggak bahas dosanya ya, tapi sesimpel memahami bahwa hubungan badan itu penuh risiko, masih banyak lho yg belum paham.

Beyond that, sexual activity & intimacy punya persyaratan yg nggak mudah: self-acceptance.

Sex, yg merupakan terbitan The School of Life, nggak akan ngebahas soal definisi dari aktivitas seksual itu sendiri. Melainkan tentang kondisi psikologi manusia, bagaimaan relasi yg dekat bisa tercipta.

Di dalam buku juga disampaikan bahwa sexual activity diawali dg memahami diri sendiri. Maunya dimengerti seperti apa sih? Maunya (di)gimana(in) sih? Kalau kita cuma ngikutin apa kata medsos (apalagi nanya di menfess FWB 🥲), yg ada malah kita tersesat: nggak kenal diri sendiri & asal-asal mempersilakan orang lain buat kenal dg diri kita (melalui aktivitas seksual itu).

Makanya, Sex ini benar-benar menekankan pada self-acceptance & komunikasi. Dua hal itu yg dianggap sbg "sexual skill" oleh buku ini.

[Harry (Chugga-Chugga-Chugga) · Rating 4 out of 5]

Great insights into your self. Points out the fact there is no disconnect between your morally righteous self and your perhaps 'kinky' desires. These are both driven by the same motivators, if only we could remind ourselves of this more often we would not feel disgust and guilt towards these aspects of our self. Great book.

[Moxie · Rating 2 out of 5]

I really like the mission of the School Of Life and I enjoyed another book by them. I studied Ethics and Literature as an undergraduate before becoming a physician. Because pleasurable activities cause so much suffering, I probably was looking for something unusual from this book. You may get more from it than I did.

The pros:
-a good overview of human behavior
-conversational accessible writing
-reduces stigma

The con:
Okay, so there is only one. But it's the only thing I would want in a book about pleasure. I would want to know how pleasure can be integrated into life as an honest, kind person who isn't fake in relationships. It seemed to me that the implicit message was essentially "Hey, we all like sex. We all like different kinds of sex. You shouldn't feel bad about having affairs or lying or hiding things because we are all basically alone with ourselves. Nobody will ever understand us. So it's okay to hide things." Solipsism is no path to freedom or joy in my opinion.

I have not read The Ethical Slut, but I surmise from my friends who engage in polyamorous lifestyles that it treats these topics with the weight they require.

In a nutshell, I like to read philosophy books on how to enjoy pleasure without having that pleasure create pain for anyone, or for oneself. Maybe a subsequent edition will address this. Probably it's too tall of an order outside of Ethics courses though.

[Camille · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book was very eye opening, and helped me understand why humans think and feel the way that we do when it comes to sex. The different forms in the way we look at it. There can be a lot of negative attention surrounding the different topics mentioned in the book, but it helped explain that there are different ways to look at sex. Our minds need to be open, to not feel ashamed about your needs and how to commuicate them in a healthy way with your partner, but to also keep in mind how they feel. All the while remembering that sex isn't always about performance, it's about the internal connection as well.

[Nati · Rating 5 out of 5]

Interesting short read about the philosophical reasons behind individuals’ preferences during sexual circumstances. Would recommend for the open minded and mature.

[Arianne X · Rating 4 out of 5]

How Much More Liberation is Wanted?

As stated on the cover of this book, sex remains an extraordinarily complicated business, hard to discuss and surrounded by shame and unspoken desires. Why this is the case, that we are not as sexually liberated as we think, is touched upon in the book and I would like to explore some ideas a bit further in this review. The two chapters that stood out to me in flushing out of the more perplexing issues about human sexuality were Cross-Dressing and Bisexuality.

In terms of Cross-Dressing, this is really a proxy for gender role reversal. Cross-Dressing is presented as a form of empathy with the other gender in this chapter and I think there is much truth in this perspective. As the Roman playwright Terence once said (p. 67): “I am human, nothing of that which is human is alien to me.” How anchored must we be in the gender we are born? Without trying to repeat the material in the text, I must further ask, how bright are the lines between any of our dichotomies, human-animal, male-female, spiritual-material, good-evil, sound-unsound, valid-invalid? This is a deep-set problem of existence. There seems to be more fluidity in these ideas than we like to believe in our rigid bifurcated way of thinking. For example, is a hermaphrodite person both male and female, or neither male nor female, or beyond male and female? The paradox of bringing together of what would otherwise be two distinct natures aids us in getting past our purely binary way of thinking in general. Gender role reversal can loosen this seemingly unmovable anchor and satiate or natural human curiosity as to what it might be like to be fully human, to fully experience what it is to be human from more than one perspective, be it a gender perspective or other perspective. There is actually a fluidity of perspectives available. I think that interest in one of these alternative perspectives, viz., gender reversal is partly driven by a quest for completeness of experience - to surpass the incompleteness of our existence and life’s experiences; the incompleteness that is prima fascia a human fact of life by the very division of human beings into male and female. None of us can be complete in a purely and exclusively male or female role. Actually, I do not believe that any of us is purely male or female, this is a learned dichotomy. I have known heterosexual men with a strong feminine or more submissive side. I have also known heterosexual women with aggressive self-promotional personal qualities more associated with men. I am have also been acquainted with homosexual individuals of both sexes with various combinations of male and female behavioral, personality and psychological qualities. Even the new reality of four physically distinct genders identities through partially completed sex change operations is too rigid, there is yet more vagueness in these definitions and designators. But all of this is just my personal and very anecdotal experience. At its most positive, gender role reversal allows each of two dominant genders to empathize with the experience of the other gender and experience life from a different perspective. As mentioned in the text, and I agree, there is not anything abnormal or immoral about imagining what it would be like or fantasizing about being the opposite gender, or a combination of the two dominant genders – it seems to me brutish and degrading to think of this in terms of somehow being wrong or unnatural. I do not believe that male or female is a complete state. But by cross dressing, we can occupy both states simultaneously. Rigid gender roles rob of us fuller human potentiality. Sexuality is a bit more fluid then we are led to think from the experience of day to day life. I accept that people are far more diverse and multi-dimensional than can be captured in the simple dichotomy of male or female.

I would also like to further explore another aspect of erotic experience, the subject-object divide. Take the example nude modeling. I see this from a subject-object perspective of experience. Being the nude is often to be the object and this gives one the opportunity to explore the experience of the object. In most of our experience we are in the role of subject and relate to other people on a subject-to-subject basis. To be the sole nude in a given situation, for example as a nude art model, is to assume the role of object while other persons remain in the role of subject. They remain subject-to-subject to each other but subject-to-object with respect to the person who is the nude model, who is different from all the rest in some significant manner. As object, I become a part of the objective world, I am no longer just a subjective being perceiving the objective world, I am now a part of the objective world in the experience of perception for other subjects. This is my attempt to gain access to the world outside of my own subjectively. To be in the role of object is very liberating. Liberated, that is, from the obligations of subject-to-subject interaction, of the high expectations that come with subject-to-subject interaction to say nothing of the awkwardness that comes when said expectations are not met along with the clumsy attempts to be witty, humorous, deep, understanding etc. in order to live up to the what are very likely the overly high expectations that come with the responsibility and expected decorum of being a subject and relating in a subject-to-subject manner. Much of the confusion and problems inherent in subject-to-subject relations come from our tendency to project onto the other subject person what we want them to be rather than see them as they ‘truly’ are. We make of a strawman out of every person that we interact with on a subject-to-subject basis. The person in the status of object avoids having the projections of others, their assumptions, and their assaults, thrust upon them as there is no need for the other subject persons to create the strawman for an object person. To be the object is to be liberated from all this and to be liberated from the inevitable disappointment that comes when subject-to-subject relations move past the initial phase and it is found that the strawman is not the person with whom are or have been interacting. The subject is pedestrian, banal, slavish and uncouth. As the object we can court self-objectification as long as we never lose control over our own charade. After the benefits of objectification have been experienced, we may find that subjectivity may not be worth recovering, how much more liberation is wanted?

To court objectification is to court liberation. This is liberation from Being and Being-in-the-world. I was thrown into subjectivity and now I have found a way to throw myself out of subjectivity. Only the object has inner necessity, the subject is fully contingent. The object is its own necessity, the subject is contingently dependent. The object is easy to understand, the subject is complex, difficult to understand and perhaps not even understandable. If authenticity is found in recognizing Being, my subjectivity, than I found liberation in my rejection of Being, in my self-objectification; in my anti-Being. Non-Being and Something is the way to describe this mode of existence. All this remained invisible to me when I was only in subject-to-subject relationships. As an object, I was a disinterested observer in those who gazed upon me. My emptiness became fulfillment and the noise within became silence.

[Tan Clare · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is the kind of non-fiction book that gives you the experience of having some pre-existing notion blown completely apart. I still struggle to say how I like/dislike or agree/disagree with the points made. No matter, but I am definitely very impressed with the logic reasoning employed to discuss topics which are usually shunned as taboo.
In particular it forced me to review and take stock of the mindset I had towards a film (The Danish Girl starring Eddie Redmayne and Alicia Vikander) I had watched 2 years ago. I had previously leaned very much with sympathy towards the wife Gerda (played by Vikander), while being disgusted by what I felt was Einar nee Lili (played by Redmayne)'s utterly selfish disregard and pursuits. However, if applying some of the logic reasoning stated in this book, Einar nee Lili would seem a much more relatable and forgiveable character, and in fact making that seemingly weird dynamics between Einar and Gerda so much more puristic and beautiful.
I guess in this aspect, I completely agree with the book's final conclusion on the complexity and importance of sex in itself. Ultimately it is our mindset which decide whether or not it is honourable.

[Jay · Rating 5 out of 5]

Enriching, rewarding, informative. "Sex" by The School of Life unravels the core of our modern struggle with how we think about sex. In light, conversational language, it addresses the specific sources of our discomfort, dissatisfaction, and apprehension. The book is gentle, but not condescending. It also somehow did not make me squirm or blush. The tone is just right, and the text is also broken into bite-size sections. So it's easy to read a few pages at a time.
To be clear, this book is not about how to perform the ACT of sex, but about the counterproductive ways that practically all of us have been conditioned to THINK about sex. Because the trouble is with our minds and not some external tangible thing, the solutions the book provides are necessarily about healthier ways of thinking rather than something you can buy, or a physical thing you can do. But the thought solutions the book provides are wonderfully specific. The authors really did an excellent job trying to make this as easy on its reader as they could. I got a lot out of this book, and I'm confident that almost anyone would. : )

[Madi · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was a good little book to read! It was kind of like an introductory book to different aspects of sex but also a demonstration that we are not as liberated as we think. If we think it’s a society full of sex, but we still struggle to tak about it, how “full” could we be?

This book also argues that sex is not just an emotional or physical act, it is an intensely psychological phenomenon. Much of sex is in our mind or is about how our mind responds to what our body is doing.

I think this would be a great book for adults who feel like their sexual education was lacking. Because of some of the topics, I would not say this is appropriate for 18 and under, unless a parent decides it’s cool!

But if you’ve ever wondered about why certain things feel good or if you’re “weird” because of certain fantasies, this book answers a lot of questions. There are a ton of psychological explanations that we often don’t think about!

[Craig Thompson · Rating 3 out of 5]

Very brief summary of some the more challenging areas around sex we are most likely to come across in our relationships and intimate moments with others.

The overarching principle seems to be that one should first explore one’s own intimate feelings around sex and the most guilty and shameful desires within our selves to better understand our nature.

Underpinning our sexual desires is a real and pure need for human connection, alleviation from loneliness and the acceptance of another of our complete selves which are carefully concealed from even family members but are offered to those we want to be intimate. This reciprocal act is rooted in love and is a real demonstration of it—the way in which we meet our lovers is a deeply psychological and not emotional experience, acted out physically.

[Sasha · Rating 3 out of 5]

A solid look at sexual desires, shame, and how to overcome our fears around communicating and accepting our erotic desires.
The book falls short with its clear bias towards addressing cis-het monogamous folks as its target audience, and in usual school of life fashion, the philosophical arguments are based in Western cultural understanding. I was looking for some broader insights, but I understand that this was not meant to be a work of queer theory. Having said that, there are some good thoughts and generally positive sentiment within this book.

Note that the book contains a queer slur (not within hateful context) and outdated reference to "transvestites." The chapter on cross dressing and queerness is in dire need of an update. A product of its time, being written in 2017.

[Konrad Plechowski · Rating 2 out of 5]

I can't count moments when I thought insights in the book to be either pure bull**** or 'wtf' or 'maybe true but over intellectualized and not supported by research'.. The idea of exploring emotional and intellectual side of sex is definitely worth pursuing and promoting, but the default approach that sex is by default initially linked to shame, disgust, coldness and disappointment is just purely wrong. At least to me. I found the structure of the book really weird as well - short walk through selection of topics followed by very short summary and general advice. wasted chance, I'd say. meh...

[Rudi · Rating 4 out of 5]

Het boek leest rustig weg over een bezigheid die verschillende emoties ( kan ) oproepen , Bv zowel genot als schaamte, waardigheid enz . , spelender/wijs op zoek naar wie je bent , ook korte stukjes over het hoe, wat , waar , uniformen enz.
Mss is de rode draad tussen de verhalen wel het rollenspel , iedereen een rol in het spel , spelen wie je allemaal bent .. of zou kunnen zijn
Mss is heel het leven een rollenspel, ... een soort droom ,
Een zoet boek met verschillende, korte hoofdstukken over een bezigheid waar de meeste mensen wel al iets hebben over gehoord ,

[urte! · Rating 1 out of 5]

dar tokio skausmingo tusciazodziavimo nesu maciusi pizda bet nezinau ko tikejaus is SoL

oral? anal? uniforms? outdoor sex? bdsm?
"oi kaip tai nejauku... kaip tai net.... blogai! <:(... nezinau kodel man tai patinka.....taciau tikrai nenagrinesiu to giliau apart surface level 5mecio mastysenos...... (hint: "tai keista nes su burna valgom/is ten sikam/lauke gali mus pamatyt/mustis ir prasivardziuoti blogai").....as matyt toks keistuolis kad man tai patinka!.....bet.....nebent?..... as juk tik noriu but mylimas.....!.....ir myleciau atgal:)..."

viskas visa knyga prasom

[Sasha · Rating 4 out of 5]

The book comes from a very Eurocentric Westernized point of view, and because of that there are some drawbacks to some of the references and ways of relating, but beyond that I found the book to be really illuminating. A well written little book about the psychological quirks of Eros and how some of the impulses we have that might seem scary often come from places of a longing for connection and to be seen in all of our messy, vulnerable, neurotic humanity.

[Manuela · Rating 4 out of 5]

Understanding what’s behind most common sexual fantasies

I liked that it’s straightforward and easy to read.
Took me less than a week to finish it. Found some of the explanations behind the sexual fantasies entertaining, but lacking a few more examples. (Missing a bit more backup). Overall, a nice book to encourage conversations with ones partner, and about being more honest with our own likes & dislikes in the bedroom. 🙂

[Maggie Lynne · Rating 3 out of 5]

Found this on a book shelf in my hostel. I was already familiar with “The School of Life” though. I find their philosophical take on sexual fetishes interesting and thought provoking but at times absurd (there’s a theory here that people like to have sex outdoors in order to ‘assert their dominion over nature ‘ that feels more like it belongs in a 19th century Russian novel than in any realistic take on modern sexuality).

[luri ♡ · Rating 4 out of 5]

Writing: 8.5/10
Enjoyment: 8/10
How interesting?: 8/10
How informative?: 6.5/10
How useful?: 8/10
Overall: 7.8/10

Very interesting read that definitely gave me a lot of insight on the psychology of this topic which I’d previously primarily either thought about purely in the physical way, or purely in a more pessimistic manner due to my own past awful experiences. Some of the chapters were… questionable, but overall I think that this book left me with a good bit to think about and take away.

[Fifi · Rating 4 out of 5]

I applaud The School of Life for taking on so many issues in such a short book and doing it so well.

I think parents should give this book to their kids when it is time for them to have "the talk" as it goes through all the different aspects of sex and sexuality that schools may not be able to teach i.e. sexual fantasies, masturbation etc.

Overall,

⭐⭐⭐⭐

[Morgan Holdsworth · Rating 4 out of 5]

very quick read! quite a good summary as to why we like certain things sexually. i found it rather interesting, even if i can’t necessarily comprehend desiring of some things mentioned it was informative to read the psychology behind those desires. i do wish the chapters were ordered differently because to go from age play to bisexuality felt weird.

[Jule · Rating 5 out of 5]

Sehr lehrreich. Mir hätte allerdings ein Punkt gefehlt. Es gibt ein Kapitel über die Faszination für lesbischen Sex, die für schwulen Sex hätte mich auch sehr interessiert.
Das Buch enthält einige kurze Kapitel über verschiedene Sexpraktiken und erklärt warum wir diese aus psychologischer Sicht ausüben, bzw was für ein Ziel dahinter steckt.
Alles in allem kann ich das Buch nur empfehlen.

[Rae · Rating 3 out of 5]

Interesting, in a worldly sort of way. Although I didn't agree with everything the authors posited.

School of Life series.

[Anggi · Rating 5 out of 5]

It's nice to get your opinion on sex be validated. No more shaming my own preferences only embracing them from now on!

[Simon · Rating 4 out of 5]

Pretty interesting.

[Jasmine Kettledon · Rating 5 out of 5]

Brought A Better Understanding

This book answered questions on why society is the way it is. It made me look at my own behaviors differently.

[Charlotte · Rating 4 out of 5]

3.5/5

[Bel · Rating 2 out of 5]

2.0

[Michaela Danišik · Rating 5 out of 5]

It’s not nature that defines the choice of partners but culture.