Empty Arms

by Pam Vredevelt

An inspirational, self-help guide provides hope, supports, and solace for readers who have suffered through the devastation of a miscarriage, stillbirth, or tubal pregnancy. (Psychology & Self-Help)

Genres: Grief, Nonfiction, Parenting, Self Help, Adult, Christian, Christian Non Fiction

128 pages, Paperback

First published March 1, 1984

About the author

Pam's reputation as a sought-after counselor, popular conference speaker, and best-selling author is built on her ability to explore real life issues with authenticity, warmth, and humor. Compelling stories, engaging faith, and perceptive insight give Pam the rare ability to inspire and empower audiences with practical tools for long lasting change.

Pam is married to her best friend, John, and has four children. Two reside in the United States, two are in heaven. During the last 25 years Pam has served thousands of individuals as a professional counselor in private practice. Coming along side those in the depths of pain, she has walked with them on the path of healing. Her grace-filled wisdom, refreshing hope, and practical counsel have guided many towards complete recovery.

From Pam Vredevelt's website "Meet Pam"
http://www.pamvredevelt.com/about/

Reviews

[Jenny (Reading Envy) · Rating 3 out of 5]

Surprisingly, or maybe not so surprisingly, there are not very many resources out there for women going through miscarriages. This is an old standard, one I had seen my mother give to women at church after they'd gone through it. When I found myself in the same situation, I called her, and she shipped one to me immediately. Good old Mom, demonstrating love through books since 1978.

I would recommend this for others with reservations, and I want to be very clear on why I would only give this 3.5 stars. It makes a few assumptions that will not work for everyone, and would not have worked for me if I didn't possess the ability to just take from something what is useful and completely ignore the rest. First of all, it assumes you knew you were pregnant and excited about having a baby. I was unlucky enough to not even know until I started to miscarry, so my emotional process was a bit out of order compared to most, but not any easier for that fact. The other more difficult assumption will be the religious background in this book - the word baby is always used, the concept of sin is thrown around quite a bit, and belief in heaven is prevalent. The funny thing is, my background is so saturated with these beliefs that some of the guilt I have been experiencing is related to some of these beliefs, in a way that it was more helpful than I expected. Pam has an amazing chapter on dealing with other peoples' responses, which I think may be the best chapter of the entire book. There is also a chapter for partners/husbands, and specific chapters dealing with stillbirth and tubal pregnancies. It ends with chapters on healing and "trying again," which is another one of those assumptions, but probably useful for most people.

It may be shocking that I am being so open about this, as I haven't even really told most of my co-workers and online "friends," and probably won't be very explicit about doing so. But in this somewhat anonymous world of book reviews, I thought more information on what you would find inside would be helpful. I'm also going to review Miscarriage: Women Sharing from the Heart, which I found I connected with more. Both are written in the early 1990s, so some of the medical information is simpler than what they know now. From my experience, medical advances have created a setting where miscarriages are prolonged, and it can be a very traumatic time, emotionally and physically. If you are reading this and need someone to talk to, feel free to e-mail me. There is no right way to go through it, and no one way you are going to feel. I think I've pretty much felt every emotion, and as I write this, I am not even through the physical process yet.

[Robyn Rosencutter · Rating 4 out of 5]

I wish like hell I didn’t need this book, but the author’s beliefs line up perfectly with my own and reading this brought me so much comfort. Don’t tell me it was part of God’s plan to lose my baby girl. It is a fallen world and nature is cruel, but my God is not and He will bring us peace.

[Kaelyn Say · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book is such a great resource if you (or someone you know) are looking for validation, encouragement and hope in such a difficult life stage. I felt so heard and seen, while also being challenged and encouraged through her words. Highly recommend.

[Nikki Anderson · Rating 2 out of 5]

While this book is somewhat helpful from a psychological standpoint, giving you tools to learn to grieve well and heal well, the author makes some serious mistakes in her interpretation of theology and Biblical passages. I found myself just shaking my head in total disagreement at some of the things she said. There are definitely better books out there for dealing with this kind of loss. And they are ones that won’t distort the Truth about God and His Word.

[Elizabeth Hendrex · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book was okay…but it was not the resource I needed after losing my baby. While there were helpful parts, I was hoping for something offering more comfort and instead just made me more upset!

[Bethany · Rating 5 out of 5]

The first chapters of this book are phenomenal in offering Christian counseling perspectives to the complex grief after infant loss. It also is the only book I've read recently (while gathering resources on perinatal hospice and infant loss) that specifically acknowledges ectopic/tubal pregnancy loss, both as a real and complex grief and as the source of some unique physical challenges involved.

Vredevelt is unabashedly pro-life yet also offers grace to those families struggling with guilt after abortion. As a bereaved mother herself, Vredevelt focuses at first on anger and guilt after loss and, most importantly, and God’s forgiveness, offering real comfort for families burdened with the fear that they brought their torment upon themselves by specific actions (including prior abortions). She also answers doubts with God’s promises, presenting a good list of Scriptural citations of His grace and love.

This volume is perhaps the only one I've found to not simply validate all anger but to point out that righteous anger [against injustice] is good but can be expressed either productively or destructively. Vredevelt furthermore distinguishes between ailments of the mind, body, and soul—and the necessity for prayer. Her approach to anti-depressants is very useful, as she notes that they are not a “fix” to grief but rather replenish depleted chemicals in the brain to allow people to better process their grief and emotions.

A few caveats: First, Vredevelt turns the focus much more to her own experience by the last few chapters (e.g., ‘This is how I dealt with ____’), and while the “self-help” chapters on diet and exercise are fairly good, they feel a bit disjointed because they jump hard into the physical/psychological issues with little segue from the prior chapters of spiritual/emotional focus.

[CRTNEAN Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist; MS Clinical · Rating 3 out of 5]

This is an honest depiction of the tragedy and emotional turmoil faced by those who have suffered a miscarriage or stillbirth. In addition to resources, support and comfort, this book offers an honest perspective that doesn't minimize but seeks to normalize and validate the intense devastation and ongoing struggles experienced by those suffering from this tremendous loss. I recommend this book to anyone personally impacted by miscarriage or stillbirth, or to any family, friends or clinicians in search of gaining a better understanding of the ways in which they can support and aid in the healing process.

[Melissa Toomajian · Rating 3 out of 5]

Good book. Definitely a comfort to read after having had a miscarriage. The author wrote the book in her 20s, published in 1984, so I feel it is a little outdated. It is a Christian book, but it didn’t really explore gospel themes related to grief (which I was hoping to hear more of), but rather leaned heavily on psych theory. What I found most helpful was her personal story and honesty. Worth reading. More people need to write books on this topic.

[Charissa · Rating 5 out of 5]

I read this book after my miscarriage and I found it really helpful. Reading it felt like hearing from a good friend when you need it most. Pam's tone is so supportive and relatable. So glad I found this one.

[Brandi Montenegro · Rating 4 out of 5]

My doctor sent me a copy of this book shortly after the loss of my 5th baby. Though hers was a neonatal death, not miscarriage or stillbirth, this book hit a lot of points for me. Though it's hugely religious and I'm not, it did its job to offer support and comfort.

[Chloe · Rating 4 out of 5]

Although, I am not of the same religion as the author, I took a lot from her experience, research, and Christian beliefs. It was comforting to read the accounts of so many women who have experienced a loss not unlike my own.

[Quinn · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book was fine. It wasn’t my favorite because it was very religious, but it would be a good fit for someone who finds comfort in Christianity. If this is you, and you’ve experienced pregnancy/perinatal loss, then you’d probably get more out of it than I did.

[Krissy Rhea · Rating 2 out of 5]

This book was meh. A lot of Christian buzz words, clichés and it was very shallow. Somewhat outdated as well. I wouldn't recommend this book if you or a loved one was going through miscarriage. There are better ones out there.

[Carla · Rating 4 out of 5]

A helpful book for those who have experienced the loss of a child.

[Dawn Sanford · Rating 5 out of 5]

Highly recommend for anyone that has experienced losing a child.

[Kassandra · Rating 2 out of 5]

This book I'm sure is fantastic for practicing Christians or Catholics, but I found it hard to relate to as a spiritual, non-religious, person.

[Meredith · Rating 5 out of 5]

A friend sent me this after I had a miscarriage. A lot of it resonated with me and I found reading something with a Christian angle on miscarriage to be good food for my soul.

[Mary · Rating 4 out of 5]

Wonderful and thorough

[Felicia · Rating 4 out of 5]

A hopeful book for understanding and coping with baby loss.

[Renita · Rating 4 out of 5]

I liked it.
I imagine not every mother is going to feel all of these feelings.
But something in this book would be relatable.
I would suggest it out to ones I've known whom have lost babies.
Covers a number of subjects.
Loss. Questions. Anger. Husband. Children.
_______________

Action is sometimes necessary for escape.

"It's easier to act yourself into a new way of thinking than to think yourself into a new way of acting"

Admit your anger.
One of the worst things you can do is keep your anger bottled up.

Many of us fail to distinguish between:
-Having a feeling
-Expressing a feeling
-And Acting on a feeling

Identify the emotion and say
"I am feeling angry".
After identifying anger, express your anger
(in healthy ways)
Ie. Cleaning, workouts, journaling, ect

Ways to assist someone during loss:
-Give ones asking specific ways in how they can help you
-Come and visit at my home (call first)
-Ask if you can drive my children to practice
-Ask our favorite meal and bring it
-Offer to do my laundry or ironing (standing is tiring)
-Tell me it's okay to be sad around you
-When we talk about my loss refer to my baby by name or baby not an unknown it or thing
-Don't avoid me, I need you to communicate with me. If I want to talk about my baby, don't change the subject
-Tell me I look beautiful or good even if I don't, i need extra encouragement during this vulnerable time when I don't feel put together
-Pray for me, and tell me specifically how you are praying. This will build me up spiritually
-Invite me out.
Don't assume I'm too down emotionally or physically. If I feel too weak, I can decline.
-Tell me about yourself and what God is doing in your life. This will help me see God's faithfulness
-Ask me if I'd like you to come for an evening to do nothing. It's nice to have someone to do nothing with

(Pamphlet: Mom is very sick, here's how to help)
Wendy Burgren

Husband's many times are caught between their desire to be supportive and understanding, and their desire to be strong and secure.
-Is it okay to feel upset?
-Am I being less than masculine and hurting along with my wife?
-Shouldn't I keep strong through this?
-What are normal reactions in a time like this?

On the average men and woman often feel the same intensity of grief.

Husband's often feel depths of grief similar to mother (don't deminish his mourning just cause he doesn't carry baby in the womb)

Positive Feedback to Fathers:
-When they making adjustments in work schedule: it shows they care
-Not pushing you to "get over it" or get back to normal. - it lays off the pressure and shows love
-Sharing feelings openly: Draws you two closer together knowing what you're going through
-Being extra sensitive during a time where I might not know my own feelings. Being understanding and patient with emotions
-Taking initiative to get me out of the house.
-Being available to help me process after appointments or times I needed to express
-Being sensitive to where we went. Double-checking about visiting new mother's/kids, asking my needs concerning my whereabouts
-Declining engagements for me that I wasn't strong enough to handle yet
-Giving our other children the extra time and care I might not be able to give them
-Stopping to pray with me each day
-Not blaming me, reassuring it was nobody's fault for this loss

Let your partner know how to help you.

The extreme value in openly discussing the subject of death with your children.
-Don't sugarcoat it or make it sound like a fairyland.
(gives false idea of the reality of death)
-Simply explain death in a loving and matter of fact way
(Use as opportunity to teach about God giving life and the sin that has corrupted life)

One of the best ways to reduce fear, is by gathering facts.
-Ask questions
-Do research
-Proverbs 11:14
Where there is no guidence the people fall.

Some (not all) causes of Stillbirth:
-Compression of Umbilical cord
-Umbilical Cord around neck during labor or delivery
-Premature detachment of the placenta from the uterus
-Contraction of toxcimia
-High Blood Pressure or Diabetes during pregnancy
-Severe Abnormalities in baby
-Abnormally stressful and prolonged labor

Questions to ask about Autopsy:
Why do you want to do it?
Should one be done?
When do you want to do it?
Where will it be done?
When will I find out the results of the tests?
How much does it cost?
Afterwards do we pick up baby or does the mortuary take the baby?

You body does not realize that you lost your baby, you body has to adjust from being pregnant to not.

There is a normal discharge called Lochia that happens for usually 2 weeks after miscarriage.

What is a tubal ectopic pregnancy?
A pregnancy that develops outside the uterus.
90% of ectopic pregnancy develope in the felopian tube.

2 Organizations that support grieving Families:
-RESOLVE
-Compassionate Friends
https://www.compassionatefriends.org/

Feelings means you're making progress.
Don't diminish or stifle your feelings.

Book:
Angel Behind the Rocking Chair

[Megan · Rating 3 out of 5]

For an evangelical Christian, this would probably be a decent resource. The writing was good, and the book hit most of the topics a reader might want (ie: Why did this happen? What do I say to people? Is what I'm feeling now normal?). Various types of pregnancy loss are addressed, and the author herself lost a pregnancy at about five months.

Having now read Miscarriage: Women Sharing from the Heart, I can't help but feel like "Empty Arms" is lacking in comparison. Also, having read What Was Lost: A Christian Journey Through Miscarriage, I feel like that's a better Christian resource. But, like I said, this one was okay too.

[Becca · Rating 3 out of 5]

This is a good resource for thinking through pregnancy/infant loss. It's a little dated but most of the information is still valid. I didn't completely agree on the theological points, but I'd still recommend this because it's written by someone who has "been there" and includes stories from others who have been there too. I particularly found the chapter on others' responses helpful. It reads a little like a counseling textbook and a little like a conversation with a friend who can empathize with your pain. A good read for anyone going through the pain of miscarriage or stillbirth, or anyone looking to walk with someone through that pain.

[Erin · Rating 5 out of 5]

This one took me awhile to get through. Not because it was bad, but because I needed time to take it in as I was ready. It was hard to read as it had no answers, but it will allow you to come out of the fog and remember that no one really does. I highly recommend this book to anyone who has gone through a miscarriage at any stage of pregnancy because I pray that through it you will find hope again as I did... Or maybe just a feeling that someone else actuallt understands. It still hurts, but resources like this make the pain that much more bearable.

[Tiffany · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is a good book to give to those experiencing the loss of a child through miscarriage or stillbirth. We use this book within our caring ministry to train our caregivers because of the prevalence of miscarriage. Though they may never be assigned to serve as a caregiver to someone who has just gone through this situation, they are likely to encounter women and men who have experienced this as they just go through life and we want them to be prepared to administer healing whenever the opportunity may arise.

[Lisa Jacobson · Rating 4 out of 5]

Where do you turn when you suffer such a deep and personal loss as that of a miscarriage? Pam Vredevelt's book, Empty Arms, offers both encouraging hope and strong support for any woman who is going through the grief and pain of having lost a child. Not only does she offer tender spiritual and emotional support, she offers practical help and insight as well. I highly recommend this book to any mom who is looking for healing and comfort through this difficult season of loss.

[Rachel · Rating 5 out of 5]

Pam Vredevelt came to my home with flowers and gave me a copy of her book after hearing I'd had a miscarriage. Her compassion and heart for the grieving is genuinely evident, and it shines throughout her book. She has created a very helpful guide for bereft mothers trying to navigate the rocky road of grief after the loss of a child. I highly recommend it.

[p roper · Rating 4 out of 5]

Good book with lots of good information to help cope, as the title says, with miscarriage, stillbirth, or tubal pregnancy. Having experienced the death of my 14-year-old son, I would say it has good information for dealing with that as well although the circumstances are somewhat different.
The book is very easy to read and is very geared toward those with Christian beliefs.

[Caroline Niziol · Rating 3 out of 5]

Short, helpful read for women (and their husbands) who have experienced loss. I liked the holistic approach but would have liked more science and more information about how it's nearly impossible for women to cause a miscarriage during the normal course of life. I'd recommend this book.

[Tianna Wright · Rating 5 out of 5]

For those that have grieved through losing a baby yet to be born, or those in the process of it, I couldn't recommend this book more highly! Like life breathed into my soul- spiritual encouragement right alongside practical answers and help on how to help your body and heart heal.

[Josie Jones (Lutz) · Rating 3 out of 5]

This is a pretty heavy read, you definitely need to be in a healthy headspace to take this in. But I do think it’s helpful for anyone processing loss. Though I do think the chapters on wellness (sleep, diet, etc) seemed out of the blue and not super relevant to the topic.