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Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life: The Chump Lady's Survival Guide
Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life is a no-nonsense self-help guide for anyone who has ever been cheated on. Here's advice not based on saving your relationship after infidelity--but saving your sanity.
When it comes to cheating, a lot of the attention is focused on cheaters--their unmet needs or their challenges with monogamy. But Tracy Schorn (aka Chump Lady) lampoons such blameshifting and puts the focus squarely on the-cheated-upon (chumps) and their needs. Combining solid advice that champions self-respect, along with hilarious cartoons satirizing the pomposity of cheaters, Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life offers a fresh voice for chumps who want (and need) a new message about infidelity. This book will offer advice on Stupid sh*t cheaters say and how to respond, Rookie mistakes of the recently chumped and how to disarm your fears, Why chumps take the blame and how to protect yourself, and more.
Full of snark, sass, and real wisdom about how to bounce back after the gut blow of betrayal, Schorn is the friend who guides you through this nightmare and gives you hope for a better life ahead.
When it comes to cheating, a lot of the attention is focused on cheaters--their unmet needs or their challenges with monogamy. But Tracy Schorn (aka Chump Lady) lampoons such blameshifting and puts the focus squarely on the-cheated-upon (chumps) and their needs. Combining solid advice that champions self-respect, along with hilarious cartoons satirizing the pomposity of cheaters, Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life offers a fresh voice for chumps who want (and need) a new message about infidelity. This book will offer advice on Stupid sh*t cheaters say and how to respond, Rookie mistakes of the recently chumped and how to disarm your fears, Why chumps take the blame and how to protect yourself, and more.
Full of snark, sass, and real wisdom about how to bounce back after the gut blow of betrayal, Schorn is the friend who guides you through this nightmare and gives you hope for a better life ahead.
240 pages, ebook
Published May 10, 2016
331 people are currently reading
890 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 187 reviews
July 4, 2016
These days, self-help books are a dime a dozen and so often seem to be filled with myopic, impractical “advice” rife with wishful thinking on the part of their authors, it’s become both shocking and refreshing to run into a self-help book that actually helps.
It has been a little shy of two years since I read the original self-published version of this book. I read it in the wake of having discovered that my husband had secretly gotten back together with his mistress. He had responded to my discovery of his affair by treating the Other Woman to adultery prom night and posting pictures of their fabulous night out together all over Facebook (where our daughter had access to them). He proceeded to engage in crazy-making abuser behavior (gaslighting), and I began to feel like I was losing my mind.
The beauty of Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life is that it calls infidelity what it is: abuse. Truth-telling has become a dying art in our society and cheaters (and those who sympathize with them) despise being told this, but Schorn pulls no punches. “Your cheater had an entire decision tree of options, beginning with difficult conversations, therapy, and divorce lawyers. They didn’t choose those things—they made a deliberate choice to f*** other people and lie to you about it” (p. 15, emphasis hers, censorship mine). She continues:
"Aside from being humiliating, disrespectful, and comically pathetic—infidelity is abusive. It is psychological abuse. You cannot cheat on someone without lying to and gaslighting them. ('It’s not what you think!' 'You’re crazy!') Throw in some blameshifting and minimization after discovery ('You drove me to it,' 'I don’t see what the big deal is'), and you’ve got quite an assemblage of mindf***ery.
"Now factor in cheaters unilaterally risking your health and your family’s home life. Infidelity sounds a lot less jolly after you’ve paternity-tested your children. Or had your feet up in the stirrups for a full STD screening after years of assumed monogamy. Or lost a pregnancy to an undisclosed STD. Or found your children’s college funds spent on sex workers. Or stumbled on evidence that the cheater f***ed someone else in your bed. (p. 16)"
There may be complicated reasons for why people turn to infidelity, just as there are often complicated reasons why people engage in other forms of abuse, but that doesn’t change the need to bracket the abuse for what it is and call it wrong. Unfortunately, we live in a world of cheater-pologists who denounce such “black-and-white thinking” on the matter and insist there are good reasons for cheating and both partners must be at fault, just like we live in a world of people who like to ask rape victims what they were wearing. Schorn’s book bravely attempts to shift this paradigm.
The other thing that is valuable about this book is that it gives you a clear idea of how to cope. Once I was able to call my husband’s behavior what it was—abuse—I was able to follow Schorn’s game plan, the centerpiece of which is “no contact.” Cheaters love triangulation, Schorn explains, and you don’t want to be their hypotenuse. Once I had barred the abusers from my life as much as possible, the healing began.
I mentioned in my review of the original self-published book that I thought the book had some flaws; one has been remedied and one is still there. A new and useful section about how to not obsess over the Other Woman (or Other Man) has been added, but the book still lacks a chapter on emotional affairs, which I think the book could have used. Schorn is a Methodist-preacher’s-kid turned Episcopalian, but this book isn’t designed with religion in mind, and some Christians will no doubt be turned off by the ample profanity.
The greatest recommendation that I can make for this book is that it actually helped me. In the two years since reading the original version, I have finished my master’s degree, started and finished a human resources certificate, transferred to a position that is closer to home and far less stressful, improved my credit, traded in my 2001 beater car with 176K miles on it for a new 2016 Toyota Corolla without any cosigning or financial help from anyone, participated in a theology seminar wherein someone actually paid me to fly out to California and do theology for two weeks (it was amazing), lined up a peer-reviewed article to publish, and had a septorhinoplasty that fixed my crooked nose along with my breathing. I will be very surprised if I do not move on to a better job or a promotion with my current employer within the next year. All this while being a single parent to a disabled older child who is now 10 and a baby who is now 2.
In other words, this book is about how to leave a cheater and gain a life. I have successfully left a cheater and gained a life, and I know now that surviving infidelity doesn’t make me pathetic; it makes me mighty. Thanks, Tracy.
It has been a little shy of two years since I read the original self-published version of this book. I read it in the wake of having discovered that my husband had secretly gotten back together with his mistress. He had responded to my discovery of his affair by treating the Other Woman to adultery prom night and posting pictures of their fabulous night out together all over Facebook (where our daughter had access to them). He proceeded to engage in crazy-making abuser behavior (gaslighting), and I began to feel like I was losing my mind.
The beauty of Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life is that it calls infidelity what it is: abuse. Truth-telling has become a dying art in our society and cheaters (and those who sympathize with them) despise being told this, but Schorn pulls no punches. “Your cheater had an entire decision tree of options, beginning with difficult conversations, therapy, and divorce lawyers. They didn’t choose those things—they made a deliberate choice to f*** other people and lie to you about it” (p. 15, emphasis hers, censorship mine). She continues:
"Aside from being humiliating, disrespectful, and comically pathetic—infidelity is abusive. It is psychological abuse. You cannot cheat on someone without lying to and gaslighting them. ('It’s not what you think!' 'You’re crazy!') Throw in some blameshifting and minimization after discovery ('You drove me to it,' 'I don’t see what the big deal is'), and you’ve got quite an assemblage of mindf***ery.
"Now factor in cheaters unilaterally risking your health and your family’s home life. Infidelity sounds a lot less jolly after you’ve paternity-tested your children. Or had your feet up in the stirrups for a full STD screening after years of assumed monogamy. Or lost a pregnancy to an undisclosed STD. Or found your children’s college funds spent on sex workers. Or stumbled on evidence that the cheater f***ed someone else in your bed. (p. 16)"
There may be complicated reasons for why people turn to infidelity, just as there are often complicated reasons why people engage in other forms of abuse, but that doesn’t change the need to bracket the abuse for what it is and call it wrong. Unfortunately, we live in a world of cheater-pologists who denounce such “black-and-white thinking” on the matter and insist there are good reasons for cheating and both partners must be at fault, just like we live in a world of people who like to ask rape victims what they were wearing. Schorn’s book bravely attempts to shift this paradigm.
The other thing that is valuable about this book is that it gives you a clear idea of how to cope. Once I was able to call my husband’s behavior what it was—abuse—I was able to follow Schorn’s game plan, the centerpiece of which is “no contact.” Cheaters love triangulation, Schorn explains, and you don’t want to be their hypotenuse. Once I had barred the abusers from my life as much as possible, the healing began.
I mentioned in my review of the original self-published book that I thought the book had some flaws; one has been remedied and one is still there. A new and useful section about how to not obsess over the Other Woman (or Other Man) has been added, but the book still lacks a chapter on emotional affairs, which I think the book could have used. Schorn is a Methodist-preacher’s-kid turned Episcopalian, but this book isn’t designed with religion in mind, and some Christians will no doubt be turned off by the ample profanity.
The greatest recommendation that I can make for this book is that it actually helped me. In the two years since reading the original version, I have finished my master’s degree, started and finished a human resources certificate, transferred to a position that is closer to home and far less stressful, improved my credit, traded in my 2001 beater car with 176K miles on it for a new 2016 Toyota Corolla without any cosigning or financial help from anyone, participated in a theology seminar wherein someone actually paid me to fly out to California and do theology for two weeks (it was amazing), lined up a peer-reviewed article to publish, and had a septorhinoplasty that fixed my crooked nose along with my breathing. I will be very surprised if I do not move on to a better job or a promotion with my current employer within the next year. All this while being a single parent to a disabled older child who is now 10 and a baby who is now 2.
In other words, this book is about how to leave a cheater and gain a life. I have successfully left a cheater and gained a life, and I know now that surviving infidelity doesn’t make me pathetic; it makes me mighty. Thanks, Tracy.
May 17, 2016
I loved this book. It's Tracy Schorn providing tough love to all the individuals in the world who have partners that have betrayed them by being unfaithful. But it's not just about any cheater it's about the cheater who does not want to stop cheating - who agrees to reconciliation but then repeats the unfaithful behaviour - who has no real remorse for what they've done and no concern for the pain that they cause.
It's not easy to reconcile after infidelity and it's not easy to split up either BUT if you've a partner that doesn't want to put any effort in to the reconciliation process then the best and only option in order to retain self-dignity and respect is to leave the cheater. And gain a new. It is a really tough thing to do and if you've got a serial cheater you don't need to be fed false hopes that they will change if you just... be more sexy... lose some weight... allow more freedom... fill in the dots!
Chump Nation is where people go who've been played for a fool and lied to. It's where these feelings can be articulated and experience shared amongst each other. Tracy's blog "Chump Lady" has provided the backdrop to this book. Betrayal by the person you thought was your best friend and partner for life is traumatic. And Tracy gets this - she's been there. Infidelity is abuse and it's about time someone used these words. It's psychological abuse.
It's great to read a perspective that doesn't have the therapeutic whitewash that is peddled that suggests affairs happen because of 'unmet needs'. This is nonsense. An affair is a choice to lie and betray your partner in order to have extra marital sex in secret and you have to have the character that permits you to do this.
Yes, the book is harsh on hopes of reconciliation but is this simply realism? Tracy does not say it is impossible - just improbable, and from the number of responses on her blog, reconciliation has proved impossible for many. "Every cheater is a known manipulator. So be sceptical before you buy into remorse. Under what conditions are people who have demonstrated poor character motivated to change?" This is a question that all betrayed partners need to ask when considering reconciliation.
Cheaters are portrayed in popular culture "as tortured protagonists, sexy taboo breakers compelled by forces greater than themselves to love the forbidden other. Oh, the crushing indecision, being torn between two lovers, thwarted by the cruel forces of monogamy. Poor Cheaters. All they seek is happiness"
Where is the experience of the betrayed partner and how is it depicted? Think about it.
"Infidelity is the theft of your reality. People don't understand this unless its happened to them" Let's hope this book reaches a wide enough audience to get a new conversation going.
It's not easy to reconcile after infidelity and it's not easy to split up either BUT if you've a partner that doesn't want to put any effort in to the reconciliation process then the best and only option in order to retain self-dignity and respect is to leave the cheater. And gain a new. It is a really tough thing to do and if you've got a serial cheater you don't need to be fed false hopes that they will change if you just... be more sexy... lose some weight... allow more freedom... fill in the dots!
Chump Nation is where people go who've been played for a fool and lied to. It's where these feelings can be articulated and experience shared amongst each other. Tracy's blog "Chump Lady" has provided the backdrop to this book. Betrayal by the person you thought was your best friend and partner for life is traumatic. And Tracy gets this - she's been there. Infidelity is abuse and it's about time someone used these words. It's psychological abuse.
It's great to read a perspective that doesn't have the therapeutic whitewash that is peddled that suggests affairs happen because of 'unmet needs'. This is nonsense. An affair is a choice to lie and betray your partner in order to have extra marital sex in secret and you have to have the character that permits you to do this.
Yes, the book is harsh on hopes of reconciliation but is this simply realism? Tracy does not say it is impossible - just improbable, and from the number of responses on her blog, reconciliation has proved impossible for many. "Every cheater is a known manipulator. So be sceptical before you buy into remorse. Under what conditions are people who have demonstrated poor character motivated to change?" This is a question that all betrayed partners need to ask when considering reconciliation.
Cheaters are portrayed in popular culture "as tortured protagonists, sexy taboo breakers compelled by forces greater than themselves to love the forbidden other. Oh, the crushing indecision, being torn between two lovers, thwarted by the cruel forces of monogamy. Poor Cheaters. All they seek is happiness"
Where is the experience of the betrayed partner and how is it depicted? Think about it.
"Infidelity is the theft of your reality. People don't understand this unless its happened to them" Let's hope this book reaches a wide enough audience to get a new conversation going.
April 16, 2017
The absolute best resource for the "chumped" (cheated-on). Why? It simply takes the basic, generally-accepted tenets of self-respect and applies them (gasp) to the world of divorce. The book also does the important work of acknowledging the pain--something the Industrial Reconciliation Complex shies away from at all costs, but something that's very necessary for healing and renewal. And then it gives you really practical, non-sugar-coated advice about how to survive and what to do next. Chump Lady and Chump Nation will walk through the fire with you. A daily dose of continued strength at chumplady.com will help too. I can't possibly bring across the power of CL's words to bear in a short Goodreads review, but I will say that her site got me out of the "I will just quietly absorb all the garbage you throw at me forever and brute-force love you so hard and someday like in the movies you'll 'realize' what you've done and finally change" mind set (ugh, I know) and into the "If the same thing were happening to my best friend, would I even remotely urge her to continue putting up with it?" mind set. Be kind to yourself, *know your worth*, and be smart about your child's future (if you have any). Get into this book and you won't need to look back.
March 23, 2018
Second reading, this is just as important. I needed a reminder on some of the key lessons, although I’m also glad for the ways a year has provided some healing (still not quite to meh, but getting closer).
I’ll just repeat my message below, if you know anyone who gets betrayed, get this for them immediately.
*********
I haven't reviewed or listed this out of shame, however it's one of the most important and impactful books I've read. Plus, I have nothing to be ashamed of.
So - if you know someone who's just discovered an affair, get them this book. Right now.
I’ll just repeat my message below, if you know anyone who gets betrayed, get this for them immediately.
*********
I haven't reviewed or listed this out of shame, however it's one of the most important and impactful books I've read. Plus, I have nothing to be ashamed of.
So - if you know someone who's just discovered an affair, get them this book. Right now.
February 27, 2019
This isn't a book that's going to tell you to work on yourself to fix the problem someone else created in your relationship (so much drivel you get from other books), this is a book that clearly illustrates cheaters have patterns, the things they do or say are never unique. The same bullshit comes out of each and every cheater's mouth. I promise you will literally find something your cheater has said to you in this book. Cheaters want to tell you they are special, they want to believe they are special, but NOPE. Cheaters are just narcissistic scum bags.
Tracy gives an excellent overview of both the cheater and their lame excuses, sense of entitlement, and the reasons why a chump stays and works on things - both things you will need to understand to help you process everything that has happened/is happening. If you have every beaten yourself up for staying too long in a destructive relationship, honey, it's okay, it shows you are a normal loving human! If you have a deep desire to understand the behavior of a cheater and the behavior of a chump, this is the best book. If you want to know how to get out, this is the best book!
We need to stop excusing cheating. It's abhorrent abusive behavior from people who believe they are entitled to do exactly what they want -narcissists, anti social disordered, histrionics, I'm talking to you.
Tracy gives an excellent overview of both the cheater and their lame excuses, sense of entitlement, and the reasons why a chump stays and works on things - both things you will need to understand to help you process everything that has happened/is happening. If you have every beaten yourself up for staying too long in a destructive relationship, honey, it's okay, it shows you are a normal loving human! If you have a deep desire to understand the behavior of a cheater and the behavior of a chump, this is the best book. If you want to know how to get out, this is the best book!
We need to stop excusing cheating. It's abhorrent abusive behavior from people who believe they are entitled to do exactly what they want -narcissists, anti social disordered, histrionics, I'm talking to you.
January 10, 2017
Real talk. I've read them all! This is the book that says what it is. You've been chumped and they suck! Real life navigating through the shitstorm. A must read for anyone that's been cheated on.
March 16, 2019
Time to really let go....
I wished I had read this book a year and a half ago. I would have tossed those ROSE colored glasses immediately. I highly recommend this book for one's sanity, if nothing else. Being betrayed is devastating. Accepting it is almost impossible. This book gave me a new look at myself and I'm never going to be a Chump again!!
I wished I had read this book a year and a half ago. I would have tossed those ROSE colored glasses immediately. I highly recommend this book for one's sanity, if nothing else. Being betrayed is devastating. Accepting it is almost impossible. This book gave me a new look at myself and I'm never going to be a Chump again!!
November 26, 2017
I hope you never need it, but if you do, this book will help you. It doesn’t matter why they cheated, or how sad they are to have ruined the good thing you had, or how much they promise to change. Trust they suck.
June 9, 2025
Zou willen dat ik 'm afgelopen zomer had gelezen. Heel interessant, heel confronterend en heel herkenbaar.
May 4, 2016
Not a healing book or an educational book. The book's (and the blog's) main appeal is its humour/contemptuous mockery schtick...when we laugh it creates a positive release of tension and eases the angst however I genuinely feel this authors use of humour disarms the reader allowing the negativity element to bypass the inbuilt natural aversion most of us have to hostile communication. It presents itself as self help but having read it I personally think this book would be better suited as a stand-up comedy routine in an off-beat night club.
Psych studies have shown that being exposed to hostile humour especially sarcasm is very injurious to the human immune system it also has a negative affect on relationships and psychological well being. Being aggressive "You Suck!" is just based on fear,its an attempt to establish a form of dominance. Hating and deriding cheaters & ridiculing spouses seeking to reconcile "Unicorn Of Reconciliation"...the mirth being generated is based on taking the cheater down a peg or two.Its one upmanship & In our culture that's a common form of humour.It results in a temporary lessening of pain/anxiety - the key word here is temporary because its not authentic power its an attempt to feel less vulnerable the pain filled injured party usually ends up needing to keep returning for a 'one up' fix (that's why the blog can be highly addictive for some people) but it doesn't work not in the long term...the anxiety/fear just gets pushed down submerged its like pushing a beach ball under water it only stays submerged temporarily.You feel better for a little bit because endorphins are released then a few days later you are back to being unhappy its similar to a coffee high,the effect only lasts a short while. It actually sets people up for failure because they are avoiding the necessary long(er) term hard work that is necessary to emotionally recover.
Unfortunately there is excessive black and white reasoning in the book and waaaay too much bitterness. Im concerned about the amount of polarization used by the author.Yes, people can be cruel, irresponsible and disappointing.Now, I don't mean to down-play anyone's experience & I totally agree that all cheaters need to take responsibility for their deceptive acting out but (as imperfect human beings)they have their reasons for hurting/disappointing us ,everyone acts from his/her own pain and deficiencies. It's distorted and unhelpful,unless the cheaters truly are sociopaths malignant narcissists or sadists,to see them as 'absolute' villains.Turning our tormentors into cartoon villains ignores their humanity-with viewpoints, wounds, needs and flaws not unlike ours.The book is based on the stark polarity of 'right wrong' 'saint sinner' 'good bad'-with no in between.There is no examination of the context of the infidelity & the author is extremely dismissive as to possible dysfunctional dynamics within the relationship that could have led to the cheating behaviour-attempts at mature analysis ("Unravelling the Skein of their f-upness" as she terms it) are discouraged and derided,this demonstrates an immature primitive reasoning- dichotomizing people into all good and all bad she encourages a us versus them mentality.In real life theres never a grand dividing line between us and them.
Black and white thinking is a totally normal response to painful and humiliating circumstances,(betrayal trauma stress causes the release of adrenaline, the hormone that drives the 'fight or flight' reaction we get when we feel vulnerable or endangered-it's natural)... but with Tracy Schorn I think,in a way, she manipulates exploits and plays on her readers vulnerabilities- she actively encourages an overblown cynicism & counterproductive focus on the offender. She deliberately encourages the reader to hype up angry emotions by focusing on their victimhood and all the hurts and injustices they have suffered...this has the effect of 'magnifying' it all.It could be argued that manipulation of this sort isn't necessarily wrong because appreciation of any creative work usually demands a certain willingness to go along with what the creator is trying to get you to feel and will control you without you even knowing that your psychological buttons are being pushed. Personally Im very uncomfortable with this type of approach due to the fact its a rather irresponsible quick fix method with no proper indepth information it takes a very simplistic view-if you are an analytical thinker do not buy this book.
Im not a cheater apologist and Im not encouraging people to ignore and repress their feelings of hurt and grief Im just trying to point out that this book has the potential to influence & aggravate a fragile psychological state,its so easy to condition emotionally hypersensitive people into a particular mindset.[Please bear in mind this author is not a psychologist or a relationship expert she is a writer/cartoonist].The writings contain some manipulative writing tactics and psychological triggers/hooks to get readers to fall for it.A hook is a slight manipulation. A writer's primary goal when using a hook is to create instant interest and inject a special 'something'(in this case its an entertainment value/comedic element) to bait the hook in a clever way,to reel the reader in....and because of that,a hook can appear to be shallow,manipulative or worse ethically questionable and Seriously imho this "Chump" branding (gimmick) is cultish and should be approached with caution.
These are the following core elements that she is perpetuating ~ indignation,intense dislike, negative binary stereotyping , total lack of empathy for the hated (the book takes no account of the emotional turmoil of the offender) and a basic underlying tone of sneering hostility. Ive noticed that this does tend to engender a fightsty response on her Chump lady blog and that sometimes leads to a distasteful cruelty and callous perverse joy in venting nastiness...this is because betrayed people who have had their personal dignity violated are very susceptible to hate contagion. In the hate state its easier for us to see things in black-and-white & in that mindset we are unable to use finer distinctions and discriminations in our thinking.The author of this book takes rational dislike of betrayers and transforms it into hatred... that hate ends up being enlarged beyond its initial bounds because the core elements she uses are stereotyping and generalization.
At a primitive level of course its probably highly satisfying & enjoyable to some readers but it definitely isnt a psychologically healthy mindset- it becomes very difficult to resolve traumatic loss if people stay in their chimp brain rather than their advanced neural system.People who rage and devalue others in angry ways have amygdalas that fire all the time,the amygdala controls the anger and fear responses in your emotional system. In Latin,amygdala means nut and having it stimulated all the time will literally drive you nuts. Anger creates a false reality..it gives an illusion of empowerment,that deceives people unto believing they are stronger and therefore safer, its a faux (short lived) form of empowerment.
To sum up:[On the Soap Box here I go]
Demonizing cheaters and denigrating people seeking to reconcile yes it may be gratifying,in a primitive way.
Put very succinctly - insulting & belittling others can make people feel better about themselves (hurt people hurt people) its a way to temporarily restore lost self-esteem but ultimately its shallow...it isnt a constructive or healthy strategy for healing and restoring feelings of self worth.The author uses an intense take-no-prisoners linguistic style and some readers will find that strategy appealing.The reader is subtly manipulated into thinking that the bad guys are 'all bad' they are being manipulated into despising them.These readers may receive this authors book and writings very positively....this is because Negative Binary Stereotyping is extremely appealing- its quick to understand and easy for the brain to process,the brain will always pick the path of least resistance.Others may not find the author a credible source because of the simplistic reductionist 'tub-thumping' strategy she uses- they will realize the actual situation is a lot more complex.
All creative work is (in a sense) propaganda its designed to grab attention and produce emotional passionate sentiment however this writing is so highly lacking on many important levels that if readers buy into this then something will be at stake in a psychological sense.This is because when the primal neurosystem is activated it tends to become obsessive- you end up brooding on the object of your hatred rather than healing and making meaning from the betrayal experience.Aggressively styled writing like this ,basically saying disparaging things about people wishing them ill etc,maintains a person's attention on angry thoughts-it keeps angry feelings in memory and increases rumination about the offending events.The brain has a tendency toward 'negativity bias' & unfortunately humans have a tendency to strongly hook into negative thoughts and fears.Because negative thoughts oftentimes come with a very convincing emotional component they easily link in to fear of not being capable, or loved, or chosen etc. In the long run these writings are likely to just make matters a whole lot worse and delay an authentic healing.Schorn's philosophy does not soothe instead it (subliminally) taps the energy of aggression and increases your agitation.
Psych studies have shown that being exposed to hostile humour especially sarcasm is very injurious to the human immune system it also has a negative affect on relationships and psychological well being. Being aggressive "You Suck!" is just based on fear,its an attempt to establish a form of dominance. Hating and deriding cheaters & ridiculing spouses seeking to reconcile "Unicorn Of Reconciliation"...the mirth being generated is based on taking the cheater down a peg or two.Its one upmanship & In our culture that's a common form of humour.It results in a temporary lessening of pain/anxiety - the key word here is temporary because its not authentic power its an attempt to feel less vulnerable the pain filled injured party usually ends up needing to keep returning for a 'one up' fix (that's why the blog can be highly addictive for some people) but it doesn't work not in the long term...the anxiety/fear just gets pushed down submerged its like pushing a beach ball under water it only stays submerged temporarily.You feel better for a little bit because endorphins are released then a few days later you are back to being unhappy its similar to a coffee high,the effect only lasts a short while. It actually sets people up for failure because they are avoiding the necessary long(er) term hard work that is necessary to emotionally recover.
Unfortunately there is excessive black and white reasoning in the book and waaaay too much bitterness. Im concerned about the amount of polarization used by the author.Yes, people can be cruel, irresponsible and disappointing.Now, I don't mean to down-play anyone's experience & I totally agree that all cheaters need to take responsibility for their deceptive acting out but (as imperfect human beings)they have their reasons for hurting/disappointing us ,everyone acts from his/her own pain and deficiencies. It's distorted and unhelpful,unless the cheaters truly are sociopaths malignant narcissists or sadists,to see them as 'absolute' villains.Turning our tormentors into cartoon villains ignores their humanity-with viewpoints, wounds, needs and flaws not unlike ours.The book is based on the stark polarity of 'right wrong' 'saint sinner' 'good bad'-with no in between.There is no examination of the context of the infidelity & the author is extremely dismissive as to possible dysfunctional dynamics within the relationship that could have led to the cheating behaviour-attempts at mature analysis ("Unravelling the Skein of their f-upness" as she terms it) are discouraged and derided,this demonstrates an immature primitive reasoning- dichotomizing people into all good and all bad she encourages a us versus them mentality.In real life theres never a grand dividing line between us and them.
Black and white thinking is a totally normal response to painful and humiliating circumstances,(betrayal trauma stress causes the release of adrenaline, the hormone that drives the 'fight or flight' reaction we get when we feel vulnerable or endangered-it's natural)... but with Tracy Schorn I think,in a way, she manipulates exploits and plays on her readers vulnerabilities- she actively encourages an overblown cynicism & counterproductive focus on the offender. She deliberately encourages the reader to hype up angry emotions by focusing on their victimhood and all the hurts and injustices they have suffered...this has the effect of 'magnifying' it all.It could be argued that manipulation of this sort isn't necessarily wrong because appreciation of any creative work usually demands a certain willingness to go along with what the creator is trying to get you to feel and will control you without you even knowing that your psychological buttons are being pushed. Personally Im very uncomfortable with this type of approach due to the fact its a rather irresponsible quick fix method with no proper indepth information it takes a very simplistic view-if you are an analytical thinker do not buy this book.
Im not a cheater apologist and Im not encouraging people to ignore and repress their feelings of hurt and grief Im just trying to point out that this book has the potential to influence & aggravate a fragile psychological state,its so easy to condition emotionally hypersensitive people into a particular mindset.[Please bear in mind this author is not a psychologist or a relationship expert she is a writer/cartoonist].The writings contain some manipulative writing tactics and psychological triggers/hooks to get readers to fall for it.A hook is a slight manipulation. A writer's primary goal when using a hook is to create instant interest and inject a special 'something'(in this case its an entertainment value/comedic element) to bait the hook in a clever way,to reel the reader in....and because of that,a hook can appear to be shallow,manipulative or worse ethically questionable and Seriously imho this "Chump" branding (gimmick) is cultish and should be approached with caution.
These are the following core elements that she is perpetuating ~ indignation,intense dislike, negative binary stereotyping , total lack of empathy for the hated (the book takes no account of the emotional turmoil of the offender) and a basic underlying tone of sneering hostility. Ive noticed that this does tend to engender a fightsty response on her Chump lady blog and that sometimes leads to a distasteful cruelty and callous perverse joy in venting nastiness...this is because betrayed people who have had their personal dignity violated are very susceptible to hate contagion. In the hate state its easier for us to see things in black-and-white & in that mindset we are unable to use finer distinctions and discriminations in our thinking.The author of this book takes rational dislike of betrayers and transforms it into hatred... that hate ends up being enlarged beyond its initial bounds because the core elements she uses are stereotyping and generalization.
At a primitive level of course its probably highly satisfying & enjoyable to some readers but it definitely isnt a psychologically healthy mindset- it becomes very difficult to resolve traumatic loss if people stay in their chimp brain rather than their advanced neural system.People who rage and devalue others in angry ways have amygdalas that fire all the time,the amygdala controls the anger and fear responses in your emotional system. In Latin,amygdala means nut and having it stimulated all the time will literally drive you nuts. Anger creates a false reality..it gives an illusion of empowerment,that deceives people unto believing they are stronger and therefore safer, its a faux (short lived) form of empowerment.
To sum up:[On the Soap Box here I go]
Demonizing cheaters and denigrating people seeking to reconcile yes it may be gratifying,in a primitive way.
Put very succinctly - insulting & belittling others can make people feel better about themselves (hurt people hurt people) its a way to temporarily restore lost self-esteem but ultimately its shallow...it isnt a constructive or healthy strategy for healing and restoring feelings of self worth.The author uses an intense take-no-prisoners linguistic style and some readers will find that strategy appealing.The reader is subtly manipulated into thinking that the bad guys are 'all bad' they are being manipulated into despising them.These readers may receive this authors book and writings very positively....this is because Negative Binary Stereotyping is extremely appealing- its quick to understand and easy for the brain to process,the brain will always pick the path of least resistance.Others may not find the author a credible source because of the simplistic reductionist 'tub-thumping' strategy she uses- they will realize the actual situation is a lot more complex.
All creative work is (in a sense) propaganda its designed to grab attention and produce emotional passionate sentiment however this writing is so highly lacking on many important levels that if readers buy into this then something will be at stake in a psychological sense.This is because when the primal neurosystem is activated it tends to become obsessive- you end up brooding on the object of your hatred rather than healing and making meaning from the betrayal experience.Aggressively styled writing like this ,basically saying disparaging things about people wishing them ill etc,maintains a person's attention on angry thoughts-it keeps angry feelings in memory and increases rumination about the offending events.The brain has a tendency toward 'negativity bias' & unfortunately humans have a tendency to strongly hook into negative thoughts and fears.Because negative thoughts oftentimes come with a very convincing emotional component they easily link in to fear of not being capable, or loved, or chosen etc. In the long run these writings are likely to just make matters a whole lot worse and delay an authentic healing.Schorn's philosophy does not soothe instead it (subliminally) taps the energy of aggression and increases your agitation.
January 7, 2020
Fabulous!!!
My husband of 10 years cheated on me and this book described him to a T! It definitely helped me get out of my funk and I hope it helps other people too!! Take the leap and read it!!
My husband of 10 years cheated on me and this book described him to a T! It definitely helped me get out of my funk and I hope it helps other people too!! Take the leap and read it!!
Read
January 1, 2023Great book to help support people going through it.
September 24, 2024
3.5
Because I’m not a “chump” as the author so desperately tried to convince me I was. I am a survivor.
Because I’m not a “chump” as the author so desperately tried to convince me I was. I am a survivor.
August 20, 2022
I wish I didn’t need to read this book but I am SO happy that I did. Strongly recommend to anyone who’s life is in shambles due to a cheater.
My main takeaways:
- You cannot save your marriage by yourself. You cannot control other people. You can’t cajole people out of affairs by being sexier, thinner, more attentive, etc. You can only control yourself.
- The “infidelity is a symptom of larger marital issues” argument implies that if you “fix” the marriage, the infidelity will disappear, EVEN if majority of cheaters report they were happily married right up until they’re caught (in my cheaters case, it wasn’t until he met the new woman that he “realized” he wasn’t happy… how convenient)
- Cheaters don’t care. They know what your emotional state is so don’t waste your breath on them. They’re already re-writing the narrative to justify their actions and make them look better to themselves and others.
- People cheat because something is lacking in THEM - connection, empathy, good character. Cheating is about entitlement. “You might be a crappy spouse, but you did not make your spouse cheat”
- Don’t waste any more time or energy trying to figure the cheater out or blame yourself. It’s pointless and they’re not worth it.
I could go on and on.
Anyways, 5/5 ⭐️
My main takeaways:
- You cannot save your marriage by yourself. You cannot control other people. You can’t cajole people out of affairs by being sexier, thinner, more attentive, etc. You can only control yourself.
- The “infidelity is a symptom of larger marital issues” argument implies that if you “fix” the marriage, the infidelity will disappear, EVEN if majority of cheaters report they were happily married right up until they’re caught (in my cheaters case, it wasn’t until he met the new woman that he “realized” he wasn’t happy… how convenient)
- Cheaters don’t care. They know what your emotional state is so don’t waste your breath on them. They’re already re-writing the narrative to justify their actions and make them look better to themselves and others.
- People cheat because something is lacking in THEM - connection, empathy, good character. Cheating is about entitlement. “You might be a crappy spouse, but you did not make your spouse cheat”
- Don’t waste any more time or energy trying to figure the cheater out or blame yourself. It’s pointless and they’re not worth it.
I could go on and on.
Anyways, 5/5 ⭐️
March 8, 2024
SO fucking good. been reading a lot of self-help books and the like, and this was absolutely the realest one yet. i wish i had this book when i first found out my ex was cheating on me, but it still gave me a Lot of insight and helped even years later esp after a failed reconciliation. the audiobook narrated by laura copland was fun
"Cheaters cheat because they give themselves permission to cheat. Why do they get to break the rules (rules that they expect their chump to obey)? Because they think they’re special. Cheating is nothing more than an expression of entitlement. Considering yourself a special sausage, deserving of more at the expense of others, is a character problem."
"Cheaters cheat because they give themselves permission to cheat. Why do they get to break the rules (rules that they expect their chump to obey)? Because they think they’re special. Cheating is nothing more than an expression of entitlement. Considering yourself a special sausage, deserving of more at the expense of others, is a character problem."
November 5, 2024
So good I read it twice. As someone who just found out their partner of 3 years was cheating on them for months, this book has and will continue to help me through it. I highlighted so many transformative and applicable quotes that I can carry with me for the rest of my life. We all deserve better, so much better. Most profoundly honest book of our time.
April 22, 2025
first audiobook I’ve ever completed and boy was it a good one!! CHOOSE THE AUDIO VERSION IF YOU CAN!! It hits different.
In the thick of it all right now…and this book has changed my perspective and will without a doubt change my life. EXCELLENT. 12/10
In the thick of it all right now…and this book has changed my perspective and will without a doubt change my life. EXCELLENT. 12/10
December 20, 2018
I hope you never have to read this book. However, if you find yourself in the position where you're looking to heal from being cheated on, I truly believe this book saved my sanity. Tracy Schorn did an admirable job at making sure to write about every single emotion or scenario that you'll go through during the healing process. Prior to a few weeks ago, I wasn't aware of her or her blog that preceded the book. My self-esteem really took a hit after the discovery and being as Type A as I am, I wanted to find any resource I could so I could start feeling better about myself. The reason how I found it was by typing "how to build your self-esteem after being cheated on books" into Google and this was the first result.
What I think is so helpful is I believe that in order to heal from this awful thing, a support system is necessary, whether it's your family, friends, support groups, or a therapist. However, sometimes they're not always available for you and that's where Schorn comes in to save the day- her writing style is that of a straight talking friend who will give you the hard advice but is still empathetic towards your trauma and is there any time you need her. I do believe that through my recovery from this, I will continue to reference this book to get me through the uncomfortable times. If you feel like you need this book- do not hesitate. Just get it.
What I think is so helpful is I believe that in order to heal from this awful thing, a support system is necessary, whether it's your family, friends, support groups, or a therapist. However, sometimes they're not always available for you and that's where Schorn comes in to save the day- her writing style is that of a straight talking friend who will give you the hard advice but is still empathetic towards your trauma and is there any time you need her. I do believe that through my recovery from this, I will continue to reference this book to get me through the uncomfortable times. If you feel like you need this book- do not hesitate. Just get it.
June 16, 2021
I went through many books last year that I did not feel comfortable listing here on Goodreads.
I did not want others to know what I was going through.
Every other book I read was about saving a marriage, setting boundaries within the marriage, so-on. There was so much work put upon the betrayed spouse, what I could do better, one was even victim shaming! ...I refused to even get to the halfway point on that book.
I found this book and figured it would be worth a read. Mind blown. It was like she was a fly on the wall in my home, watching and listening to interactions. I wish I would have read this book FIRST!
It is about self protection, preservation, and not being a CHUMP. A cheater is not a unique and special person with a unique and special situation. Their excuses and tactics are very similar. Knowing that is a huge protective advantage.
I recently recommended this book to a friend and he had the same reactions that I did to the content. I decided to read it again. It is just as insightful now (post-divorce) as it was early on after discovery day. I highly recommend it.
I did not want others to know what I was going through.
Every other book I read was about saving a marriage, setting boundaries within the marriage, so-on. There was so much work put upon the betrayed spouse, what I could do better, one was even victim shaming! ...I refused to even get to the halfway point on that book.
I found this book and figured it would be worth a read. Mind blown. It was like she was a fly on the wall in my home, watching and listening to interactions. I wish I would have read this book FIRST!
It is about self protection, preservation, and not being a CHUMP. A cheater is not a unique and special person with a unique and special situation. Their excuses and tactics are very similar. Knowing that is a huge protective advantage.
I recently recommended this book to a friend and he had the same reactions that I did to the content. I decided to read it again. It is just as insightful now (post-divorce) as it was early on after discovery day. I highly recommend it.
June 28, 2017
This book is a lifesaver. Having discovered my husband (now ex-husband) was having an affair earlier this year, I've been riding the infidelity/betrayal rollercoaster. It's been one of the most difficult experiences of my life. But this book, as well as the ChumpLady.com website, have made it far easier to endure.
If you're looking for a book on how to reconcile and keep your marriage together after infidelity, this is not the book for you. Cheating was my red line - and my ex crossed it - so reconciliation was never on the table for me. And I am *glad* to be away from the cycle of abuse I endured for 18+ years. Thanks to Tracy Schorn, aka Chump Lady, I am looking forward to Tuesday, and to feeling "meh." And I realize that this infidelity was NOT MY FAULT. Cheaters suck, period.
I'm not out of the woods yet, but Chump Lady's no-nonsense, colorful advice is exactly what I need to get me into the clearing of a new life filled with possiblity and light again. Thank you, Chump Lady!
If you're looking for a book on how to reconcile and keep your marriage together after infidelity, this is not the book for you. Cheating was my red line - and my ex crossed it - so reconciliation was never on the table for me. And I am *glad* to be away from the cycle of abuse I endured for 18+ years. Thanks to Tracy Schorn, aka Chump Lady, I am looking forward to Tuesday, and to feeling "meh." And I realize that this infidelity was NOT MY FAULT. Cheaters suck, period.
I'm not out of the woods yet, but Chump Lady's no-nonsense, colorful advice is exactly what I need to get me into the clearing of a new life filled with possiblity and light again. Thank you, Chump Lady!
June 2, 2017
This 2016 book by the Chumplady blogger is GREAT!!!! Her advice and wisdom is given in a practical, extremely straightforward style. (Too much profanity, but that seems to be the fashion nowadays). Her useful, helpful tips are spot on. She does a genius job of analyzing what cheaters are and how the “chumps” can survive their horrible crisis and move on. She uses a lot of jargon but provides a glossary and some of her sayings are awesome: Don’t waste your life on a barbed wire monkey (p. 125), refuse to be a hypotenuse (p. 135). (This is good advice for all relationships – not just romantic ones.) This should be the first book to get for someone who has just suffered a brutal breakup.
September 15, 2019
I hope you never have to read a book like this. But if you find that you do, this is the one! Self-help books are a dime a dozen, and contain a lot of crap that isn't really too helpful. None of them quite acknowledge what you are really feeling and going through. This does. Tracy gets it. She understands. She's real. She is in your corner and goes above and beyond to make you feel like you can make it.
I highlighted so many parts of this book that I may as well just re-read it multiple times to pound everything into my stupid Chump head. It's hard to really give this the review it deserves. When a book is beyond a book and actually helps you to change your life, what else is there to say? As Tracy says- spoiler alert, you survive this. Here's to hoping!
I highlighted so many parts of this book that I may as well just re-read it multiple times to pound everything into my stupid Chump head. It's hard to really give this the review it deserves. When a book is beyond a book and actually helps you to change your life, what else is there to say? As Tracy says- spoiler alert, you survive this. Here's to hoping!
August 22, 2024
This book has been a lifesaver! I plan to purchase it. As someone who was cheated on, this book helped me understand that it has nothing to do with me. Even though the cheater may want to blame you for it, they had the choice to walk away if they were unhappy and instead they chose to betray and lie to you. There are SO many excellent quotes in this book but I’ll leave you with this one: “Some idiot did this to you because they weren’t invested because it was easier to lie to you and extract value from you and let you go on believing your world was safe when it wasn’t. Betrayal is shattering and coming back from it is just a series of small acts of bravery, one after another as you piece your world back together again.”
April 20, 2024
Great book! Wish I had read it years ago. It would have saved me a lot of time and emotional anguish trying to fix a problem that was impossible to fix. She lays it all out in very realistic terms. The tricks they play. The traps you fall into. The false hopes of reconciliation. The marriage counseling industrial complex (loved that!). The reality check is: Your husband feels entitled to other women and his privacy. Is that what you wanted in your marriage? Don’t waste another minute. Dump him and go make a better life for yourself.
September 16, 2018
FANTASTIC!
This book has been a lifeline for me! It helped me to see that I am not alone. I plan to read it again and again!
This book has been a lifeline for me! It helped me to see that I am not alone. I plan to read it again and again!
July 1, 2019
Even if you haven't been cheated on, this book gives excellent life advice. This is some real talk.
March 28, 2025
Yup, this deserves all the stars!
I‘ve not been cheated on and only read it out of curiosity, here are my thoughts:
This gave me the most realistic insight of how it would feel like being cheated on. How painful and complicated things might get and all the obstacles that a person will have to overcome. (Which was very interesting but also very sad knowing people are put in such situations and have to feel the way they do)
But most importantly, it teaches you how to ~get over it~ in a way that i can imagine actually working.
This went into detail on so many aspects that would’ve never crossed my mind! From finding out, making the decision, divorcing, coparenting to finally finding yourself and gaining your life back.
There were so many scenarios that truly opened up my eyes on what kind of/and how much shit a person has to deal with after Infidelity.
Ofc it’s not like i expected being cheated on would be easy to handle or overcome, but most of the stuff mentioned and how to deal with it, wouldn’t even have crossed my mind.
I think this is a perfect read for everyone that’s dealing with infidelity and i truly love what chumplady has achieved with her blog. I can’t imagine something more helpful than her blog/community to feel understood, heard, related to and helped in this kind of situation.
I‘ve not been cheated on and only read it out of curiosity, here are my thoughts:
This gave me the most realistic insight of how it would feel like being cheated on. How painful and complicated things might get and all the obstacles that a person will have to overcome. (Which was very interesting but also very sad knowing people are put in such situations and have to feel the way they do)
But most importantly, it teaches you how to ~get over it~ in a way that i can imagine actually working.
This went into detail on so many aspects that would’ve never crossed my mind! From finding out, making the decision, divorcing, coparenting to finally finding yourself and gaining your life back.
There were so many scenarios that truly opened up my eyes on what kind of/and how much shit a person has to deal with after Infidelity.
Ofc it’s not like i expected being cheated on would be easy to handle or overcome, but most of the stuff mentioned and how to deal with it, wouldn’t even have crossed my mind.
I think this is a perfect read for everyone that’s dealing with infidelity and i truly love what chumplady has achieved with her blog. I can’t imagine something more helpful than her blog/community to feel understood, heard, related to and helped in this kind of situation.
September 6, 2020
Putting down some of the passages that struck me to reference later.
Why do people cheat? Because they value their autonomy to cheat more than they value you. They did the cost benefit analysis of f*cking around versus your feelings and f*ucking around won out. Cheating comes down to a deliberate choice. They break the rules they expect their spouse to obey because they are entitled.
This isn’t a book I thought I’d ever need, but I’m glad it exists. Just what I needed.
Why do people cheat? Because they value their autonomy to cheat more than they value you. They did the cost benefit analysis of f*cking around versus your feelings and f*ucking around won out. Cheating comes down to a deliberate choice. They break the rules they expect their spouse to obey because they are entitled.
This isn’t a book I thought I’d ever need, but I’m glad it exists. Just what I needed.
April 13, 2021
Whilst I didn't find all of this book relevant to my situation it did provide me with many light bulb moments. Clarity and realization. I listened to the audio and have since purchased the book so I can refer back, remind myself that I didn't do this, I didn't force him to do this and to not let his actions define me and who I am.
I recommend this for anyone who has been cheated on, it won't 'fix' you or take your pain away but it might just help you on your journey to 'meh'.
I recommend this for anyone who has been cheated on, it won't 'fix' you or take your pain away but it might just help you on your journey to 'meh'.
May 16, 2021
So good. Anyone who has discovered infidelity in their relationship really needs to pick up this book. It will give you the encouragement you need to do what you got to do. Also helps you realize how many people have experienced the same thing. I didn’t realize how similar cheaters are! I thought mine was unique in the way he acts and talks. Nope.
Eye opening.
Eye opening.
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