What do you think?
Rate this book
Ask: Building Consent Culture
Have you ever heard the phrase “It’s easier to ask forgiveness than permission?” Violating consent isn’t limited to sexual relationships, and our discussions around consent shouldn’t be, either. To resist rape culture, we need a consent culture—and one that is more than just reactionary. Left confined to intimate spaces, consent will atrophy as theory that is never put into practice. The multi-layered power disparities of today’s world require a response sensitive to a wide range of lived experiences. In Ask , Kitty Stryker assembles a retinue of writers, journalists, and activists to examine how a cultural politic centered on consent can empower us outside the bedroom, whether it’s at the doctor’s office, interacting with law enforcement, or calling out financial abuse within radical communities. More than a collection of essays, Ask is a testimony and guide on the role that negated consent plays in our lives, examining how we can take those first steps to reclaim it from institutionalized power.
224 pages, Paperback
First published January 1, 2017
36 people are currently reading
1324 people want to read
Ratings & Reviews
Friends & Following
Create a free account to discover what your friends think of this book!
Community Reviews
Displaying 1 - 30 of 57 reviews
May 21, 2017
Of course I love this, it's my book. But more to the point, the essays in here are really fantastic and honest, the voices here are diverse and fierce.
January 16, 2023
picked this up on a whim after seeing the following quote on tumblr:
- Richard M. Wright, “Rehearsing Consent Culture: Revolutionary Playtime” in the anthology Ask: Building Consent Culture edited by Kitty Stryker
incidentally that was definitely one of my favorite essays of the collection. overall it was a mixed bunch -- there weren't any pieces i'd call bad but i did feel like some of them might have been stronger with more room to develop their ideas
3 stars
Studies show that approaching youth with a bystander-intervention model is actually a lot more effective for reducing sexual assault, and it is also more enthusiastically received than programs that bill themselves as anti-rape.
We can tell youth that they are basically “rapists waiting to happen” (anti-rape initiative), or we can tell them that we know they would intervene if they saw harm happening to someone and we want to help empower them to do that (bystander intervention). The kids jump in with both feet for the latter! It was amazing to see children (and young boys in particular) excited to do this work and engage their creativity with it. Also, studies show that not only do they go on to intervene, but they also do not go on to sexually assault people themselves. Bystander intervention also takes the onus off the person being targeted to deter rape and empowers the collective to do something about it. It answers the question in the room when giggling boys are carrying an unconscious young woman up the stairs at a house party, and people are not sure how to respond and are waiting for “someone” to say or do something.
- Richard M. Wright, “Rehearsing Consent Culture: Revolutionary Playtime” in the anthology Ask: Building Consent Culture edited by Kitty Stryker
incidentally that was definitely one of my favorite essays of the collection. overall it was a mixed bunch -- there weren't any pieces i'd call bad but i did feel like some of them might have been stronger with more room to develop their ideas
3 stars
October 14, 2017
Kitty has edited a book that provides a unique conversation on consent by discussing it as it relates to sex, law, society, government, mental health, cosplay, and other areas. Ask does not deliver its message with a gentle approach; it is in your face, it is radical, political, it tears down the culture in order to rebuild it. Ask is in your face, and it is exactly what we need.
In a conscious effort to include diversity, Kitty first approached oft-ignored non-white and non-cisgender people about contributing to the book. This allows for outstanding variety in the voices and stories provided to the readers, and makes Ask all the more powerful. This book is also very, very aware of the associations of certain words, as well as individual interpretations of those words. When using terms such as consent, power, and honor, time is taken by the authors to recognize the associations with these words, and to define them as they pertain to the work.
The essays are organized by topic, addressing consent in various places that make up society. There’s the bedroom, where we hear from JoEllen Notte on mental health and the power dynamics of relying on others to care for you. The second section discusses consent in the school, including empowerment through bystander intervention rather than anti-rape initiatives, and asking questions as a form of harassment and power play. The following section on the jail explores a theme of informed consent, including ensuring comprehension of the Miranda warning. “A yes-or-no question simply isn’t sufficient to ensure comprehension of complicated processes
and rights” (pg. 66).
Next is consent in the workplace, stating that audience performance does not equal consent, and that while sexual relationships are an important area of discussion, “any relationship can be a problem” (pg. 88). In the home, we learn about the essential non-consensual relationship, family. In the hospital, we visit the beginning of the family with pregnancy, and the lack of asking permission to touch a child, whether in utero or otherwise.
The final section discusses the community, including consent in live action role play and sex parties. The community involves more consideration of nonverbal cues, and the idea that people are often afraid to say ‘no,’ stating that “it’s better to confirm consent than it is to violate a boundary in your presumption” (pg. 166). The community also introduces an essay of neuroatypicals, written by an author who is on the autism spectrum. This essay examines the problematic belief in the asexual atypical, and the severe lack of sex education for those who we tend of think of as not capable of sexual relationships.
One of my favorite essays in Ask is written by a person who grew up in an abusive family, and who then began to abuse those who loved him. He “tried to undo the effects of [his] abuse by using [his] power against others” (pg. 45). He states “I would never be powerless again” (pg. 45). He eventually realizes the error of his ways, and goes on to write this essay, which I enjoyed because the writer was very real and very honest. He experiences all the aspects of the exploration of power derived from toxic masculinity, as speaks from perspectives as both the powerless and powerful. “Power does not exist by itself, nor is it self-generating … and power is not one-sided. There is always someone on the receiving end” (pg. 43).
There were a few essays that missed the mark for me, one of which was too heavy in academic language, and another involving wrestlers that seemed to jump around. However, Ask is a powerful, radical, and excellent book for those who come from many walks of life, as well as those who have trouble seeing what all goes into the topic of consent.
Check out my full review at https://vulvaink.wordpress.com/2017/1...
In a conscious effort to include diversity, Kitty first approached oft-ignored non-white and non-cisgender people about contributing to the book. This allows for outstanding variety in the voices and stories provided to the readers, and makes Ask all the more powerful. This book is also very, very aware of the associations of certain words, as well as individual interpretations of those words. When using terms such as consent, power, and honor, time is taken by the authors to recognize the associations with these words, and to define them as they pertain to the work.
The essays are organized by topic, addressing consent in various places that make up society. There’s the bedroom, where we hear from JoEllen Notte on mental health and the power dynamics of relying on others to care for you. The second section discusses consent in the school, including empowerment through bystander intervention rather than anti-rape initiatives, and asking questions as a form of harassment and power play. The following section on the jail explores a theme of informed consent, including ensuring comprehension of the Miranda warning. “A yes-or-no question simply isn’t sufficient to ensure comprehension of complicated processes
and rights” (pg. 66).
Next is consent in the workplace, stating that audience performance does not equal consent, and that while sexual relationships are an important area of discussion, “any relationship can be a problem” (pg. 88). In the home, we learn about the essential non-consensual relationship, family. In the hospital, we visit the beginning of the family with pregnancy, and the lack of asking permission to touch a child, whether in utero or otherwise.
The final section discusses the community, including consent in live action role play and sex parties. The community involves more consideration of nonverbal cues, and the idea that people are often afraid to say ‘no,’ stating that “it’s better to confirm consent than it is to violate a boundary in your presumption” (pg. 166). The community also introduces an essay of neuroatypicals, written by an author who is on the autism spectrum. This essay examines the problematic belief in the asexual atypical, and the severe lack of sex education for those who we tend of think of as not capable of sexual relationships.
One of my favorite essays in Ask is written by a person who grew up in an abusive family, and who then began to abuse those who loved him. He “tried to undo the effects of [his] abuse by using [his] power against others” (pg. 45). He states “I would never be powerless again” (pg. 45). He eventually realizes the error of his ways, and goes on to write this essay, which I enjoyed because the writer was very real and very honest. He experiences all the aspects of the exploration of power derived from toxic masculinity, as speaks from perspectives as both the powerless and powerful. “Power does not exist by itself, nor is it self-generating … and power is not one-sided. There is always someone on the receiving end” (pg. 43).
There were a few essays that missed the mark for me, one of which was too heavy in academic language, and another involving wrestlers that seemed to jump around. However, Ask is a powerful, radical, and excellent book for those who come from many walks of life, as well as those who have trouble seeing what all goes into the topic of consent.
Check out my full review at https://vulvaink.wordpress.com/2017/1...
March 8, 2021
This is a book full of asymmetries, and they exist in a way that does not reflect well on the editor or the various contributors to the book. And in many ways, these asymmetries point to some of the larger asymmetries that exist when it comes to matters of morality and understanding. For example, one of the writers in this book speaks somewhat contemptuously about the way that the late Rush Limbaugh understood that for the contemporary left, all that is necessary to please the moral sensibilities of such people is to say that something was done consensually. Unfortunately, the authors do not understand nor wish to understand that neither this view or its opposite is what is held by others. This points to the larger and more profound asymmetry in this book, and that is the fact that while no intimacy apart from consent is acceptable, that does not mean that everything that one might consent to happens to be good or morally acceptable. The authors of this book (and presumably its target audience) labor under the delusion that we are autonomous people who can decide what is right and wrong for ourselves and that no authority exists that can hold us accountable for our choices or that can enforce standards of morality upon us. Alas, that is not the case.
This book is a bit less than 200 pages and consists of a variety of short writings by a variety of authors who represent various whiny constituencies of the contemporary left. The book begins with a foreword and an introduction. After that comes three essays that deal with the bedroom, including an essay on sex for people who are not in good mental health, arguments about the legal framework of consent, the a critique of what popular culture tells us about consent. This is followed by essays about consent in school that include a proposal for radical and corrupting playtime, thoughts about men teaching men, and hostility to Green Eggs and Ham. This is followed by three essays on jail, including one on sexual harms, one on Miranda rights, and another on dealing with stealth as a transsexual. There are three essays on the workplace, including an essay on ethical porn, a lack of a rulebook, and the question of service with a smile. This is followed by consent in the home, including teaching consent to kids, bodily autonomy for children, and dealing with the standards of disapproving parents. After this comes questions of health, including giving birth, the issue of being overweight (labeled irresponsibly as fatphobia here), and dealing with wrestling. The last section of the book then discusses consent in the community, including role playing, largely imaginary white fragility, sex parties, and sex ed for the neurotypical, after which there is an afterword.
Indeed, a great part of this book consists of writing that does not make the writers of the book appear as good as they think they are looking. For example, one of the essays in the book consists of a sex worker who argues that ethical porn must be paid for, not addressing the question of the morality of the content to begin with. Similarly, another one of the essays in the book consists of someone who discusses her longing for sexual intimacy despite the fact that she realizes she is a basket case without a firm grasp on sanity. Another essay dodges the health concerns for being overweight by attributing a great deal of negativity to fat shaming. By and large, this book is filled with the writings of people who are in an active flight away from reality. The refusal to deal with aspects of reality--including morality and health--leads these people to rage against the natural consequences of their unwise and immoral decisions. The end result is that while they labor under the illusion that things are simple, they cannot help but complicate things with self-serving double standards that demonstrate the absence of soundness within their worldview, all of which they persistently and consistently refuse to realize. This makes reading this book something that will be a tiresome chore for someone who does not already agree with the authors.
This book is a bit less than 200 pages and consists of a variety of short writings by a variety of authors who represent various whiny constituencies of the contemporary left. The book begins with a foreword and an introduction. After that comes three essays that deal with the bedroom, including an essay on sex for people who are not in good mental health, arguments about the legal framework of consent, the a critique of what popular culture tells us about consent. This is followed by essays about consent in school that include a proposal for radical and corrupting playtime, thoughts about men teaching men, and hostility to Green Eggs and Ham. This is followed by three essays on jail, including one on sexual harms, one on Miranda rights, and another on dealing with stealth as a transsexual. There are three essays on the workplace, including an essay on ethical porn, a lack of a rulebook, and the question of service with a smile. This is followed by consent in the home, including teaching consent to kids, bodily autonomy for children, and dealing with the standards of disapproving parents. After this comes questions of health, including giving birth, the issue of being overweight (labeled irresponsibly as fatphobia here), and dealing with wrestling. The last section of the book then discusses consent in the community, including role playing, largely imaginary white fragility, sex parties, and sex ed for the neurotypical, after which there is an afterword.
Indeed, a great part of this book consists of writing that does not make the writers of the book appear as good as they think they are looking. For example, one of the essays in the book consists of a sex worker who argues that ethical porn must be paid for, not addressing the question of the morality of the content to begin with. Similarly, another one of the essays in the book consists of someone who discusses her longing for sexual intimacy despite the fact that she realizes she is a basket case without a firm grasp on sanity. Another essay dodges the health concerns for being overweight by attributing a great deal of negativity to fat shaming. By and large, this book is filled with the writings of people who are in an active flight away from reality. The refusal to deal with aspects of reality--including morality and health--leads these people to rage against the natural consequences of their unwise and immoral decisions. The end result is that while they labor under the illusion that things are simple, they cannot help but complicate things with self-serving double standards that demonstrate the absence of soundness within their worldview, all of which they persistently and consistently refuse to realize. This makes reading this book something that will be a tiresome chore for someone who does not already agree with the authors.
January 8, 2018
I don't normally write reviews but I want to recommend this book to EVERYONE. I randomly saw it at my library the other day and picked it up by chance and just - wow. This was truly my first introduction to the concept of consent culture (at least, in any defined way) and it was an excellent one. The essays and contributors and their stories are so varied and interesting and give some and introspective crucial queer/POC/womens' voices, and truly show how our current rape culture permeates and affects so many industries, fields and parts of everyday lives, and who is affected most, AND gives useful resources, actions for transforming to a consent culture.
January 18, 2018
Tired of all the reactive hot takes about whatever celebrity is currently under fire for consent-violating behavior but want good and provocative writing about consent and rape culture? READ THIS BOOK. It’s vital. Clear arguments, real ideas about the interpersonal work that needs doing to end rape culture.
June 16, 2017
Review by Jordyn (XCBDSM.com) and Fox (KinkySprinkles.com)
Edited by Isaac Cross (XCBDSM.com)
Read the full review at XCBDSM.com
Read the full review at XCBDSM.com
Edited by Isaac Cross (XCBDSM.com)
Read the full review at XCBDSM.com
Ask is taking the phrase ‘it is easier to ask forgiveness than permission’, and rephrasing it to ‘if you don’t ask, the answer is always no’. The book takes all the sides of consent culture that might not be immediately apparent and pieces them together, to create a story with multiple angles of the issues outside the bedroom and opens the door to discussion about how to move forward and build our more comprehensive out-and-in-of-the-bedroom consent culture...
...the most significant weakness that was present throughout the book. Lots of problems were highlighted, but few solutions were proposed. Rather than being about “Building Consent Culture”, it ended up feeling more like an illumination of what we have now, and an argument for why we need to build consent culture, but without the blueprints to do so...
Read the full review at XCBDSM.com
January 26, 2020
Giving this a solid 3 out of 5. Kitty Stryker just kind of makes me feel... tired. As other people have stated, the introduction is very self-aggrandizing (a white woman bragging about how many people of color she got to contribute is not a great look). Also, you named your cat Foucault? Really?
As for the essays, it’s a mixed bag. Some are very good and thought provoking, even fun (the ones on LARPing and wrestling). Some helped me understand my own experiences, esp. the very first one, on consent in relationships while mentally ill. Others I think are hampered by their length, and not really given space to explore the claims they make and subjects they’re addressing. Tackling consent as a structural issue requires structural analysis, and only a few pages definitely isn’t enough to tackle that. Either way, I left with some nuggets of wisdom. I’ll be thinking about how asking questions is an exercise of power for a while.
As for the essays, it’s a mixed bag. Some are very good and thought provoking, even fun (the ones on LARPing and wrestling). Some helped me understand my own experiences, esp. the very first one, on consent in relationships while mentally ill. Others I think are hampered by their length, and not really given space to explore the claims they make and subjects they’re addressing. Tackling consent as a structural issue requires structural analysis, and only a few pages definitely isn’t enough to tackle that. Either way, I left with some nuggets of wisdom. I’ll be thinking about how asking questions is an exercise of power for a while.
November 2, 2017
Should be required reading for every teenager and adult. The essays included are amazing.
April 5, 2018
A few informative essays interspersed with really weird, unrelatable and not relevant to what I'd hoped the content was.
December 12, 2022
Outdated and uninspiring. May be somewhat useful as a snapshot of the conversations being had about sex and consent at the time the anthology was created. A shame because there's lots of names here who you'd expect a more interesting book from. Or maybe this book felt interesting in 2017. I don't know. 2017 isn't even that long ago!
November 1, 2017
It was a really good collection of essays about consent across most aspects of life. However I was left wanting more.
November 10, 2017
3.5 stars!
February 10, 2018
This is fantastic. If you’ve been following conversations about consent in relation to sex, this book will take you to the next level. Almost every essay had me wanting to pull out my highlighter.
March 18, 2020
Surprise! This book is all about consent. I bet you never would've guessed that one, right? What you might've not guessed is that this book doesn't just talk about consent in the context of sexuality.
It brings us pregnancy, giving birth, and having your birth plans respected and obeyed (which they often aren't).
It brings us feeling safe in gaming spaces (such as LARPing) and how explaining rules, acceptable behaviors, and agreed-upon safe words can help everyone to relax and have a good time because they know at any point they can meta-game-communicate with the other players without breaking the immersive experience they're all hoping for.
And yes, it brings us sex. This book talks about how our current sex education system fails so often to help us to understand the many different facets of sexuality and how consent can help us to not only feel safe during our sexual encounters, but also to actually enjoy them more.
Although it's not a page turner, this book is an important read and a good starting point for people to talk more about what consent means to them.
It brings us pregnancy, giving birth, and having your birth plans respected and obeyed (which they often aren't).
It brings us feeling safe in gaming spaces (such as LARPing) and how explaining rules, acceptable behaviors, and agreed-upon safe words can help everyone to relax and have a good time because they know at any point they can meta-game-communicate with the other players without breaking the immersive experience they're all hoping for.
And yes, it brings us sex. This book talks about how our current sex education system fails so often to help us to understand the many different facets of sexuality and how consent can help us to not only feel safe during our sexual encounters, but also to actually enjoy them more.
Although it's not a page turner, this book is an important read and a good starting point for people to talk more about what consent means to them.
October 18, 2019
Intelligent set of essays on the subject. The essays don't just focus on consent in terms of sexual activity, they also address consent in all areas of human life. Very thought-provoking.
I particularly liked the first six essays:
1. Sex and Love When You Hate Yourself and Don't Have Your Shit Together by JoEllen Notte
2. The Legal Framework of Consent is Worthless by AV Flox
3. The Political is Personal: A Critique of What Popular Culture Teaches about Consent by Porscha Coleman
4. Rehearsing Consent Culture: Revolutionary Playtime by Richard M. Wright
5. The Power of Men Teaching Men by Shawn D. Taylor
6. The Green Eggs and Ham Scam by Cherry Zonkowski
I particularly liked the first six essays:
1. Sex and Love When You Hate Yourself and Don't Have Your Shit Together by JoEllen Notte
2. The Legal Framework of Consent is Worthless by AV Flox
3. The Political is Personal: A Critique of What Popular Culture Teaches about Consent by Porscha Coleman
4. Rehearsing Consent Culture: Revolutionary Playtime by Richard M. Wright
5. The Power of Men Teaching Men by Shawn D. Taylor
6. The Green Eggs and Ham Scam by Cherry Zonkowski
November 5, 2018
This is a helpful crash course in consent, beyond the "permission-seeking" its generally understood to be in popular culture. While I found the writing inconsistent in quality and helpfulness, having authors from a variety of identities and experiences is so important. Thanks to @alicia for recommending this last year.
October 29, 2025
I’m not sure what I was expecting going into this book, but I think it well delivered!
My favorite section was In the Bedroom and In the School. Some of the essays were a bit less focused and seemed to lack movement towards a singular message, but they were all worth reading.
My favorite section was In the Bedroom and In the School. Some of the essays were a bit less focused and seemed to lack movement towards a singular message, but they were all worth reading.
November 3, 2025
Good book on consent. Really enjoyed the author's take in the beginning. It made me think about a lot of things that I do and don't do. The part about questions and power was great.
January 27, 2018
When I saw on Facebook that Kitty Stryker was drumming up publicity for her new book Ask: Building Consent Culture, I was immediately curious to read it. Wanting to support what seemed like a worthy project, I also invited her to come on my weekly radio show Eros Evolution, and you can find the interview here.
To prepare for the radio interview, I opened her book to realise that it was separated into seven well thought out sections: In the Bedroom; In the School; In the Jail; In the Workplace; In the Home; In the Hospital; and In the Community. Of course! Consent does not and should not be limited to the individual or the sexual. There’s dynamics of consent in all aspects of our lives, including within law, society, and governance.
In Stryker’s introduction, she explains her desire to curate something that took the consent in “safe, sane, and consensual” seriously, while also recognizing and unpacking how systems of power complicate what we can say yes and no to. Ask: Building Consent Culture is the result – an anthology with 24 pieces brushing on many areas of that nuance.
Feminist author Laurie Penny opens the anthology with a piece about why this book is important, touching on the political landscape in the United States and the various ways consent culture is struggling to take root. Penny writes, “The liberation of women, queers, femmes, and female-identi ed people is about more than negative liberty—it is about more than “freedom from.” It’s not just freedom from rape, freedom from abuse, freedom from fear. It is also “freedom to”—freedom to express desire, to explore pleasure, to seek intimacy and adventure. Perhaps what we should be asking of sexual liberation is not the mere absence of violence. Perhaps we should be going for something beyond “Let’s not rape each other.” What if we can do better?”
Ask: Building Consent Culture attempts to give a diverse group of people space to suggest what they think could be done better. None of the essays purport to have THE answer, but rather, AN answer.
Once I delved into the essays, I appreciated learning about the FRIES model coined by Planned Parenthood (standing for Freely given; Reversible; Informed; Enthusiastic, and Specific) as part of the essay, “The Political is Personal” by Porscha Coleman.
I was drawn in and touched by what transpired in a bystander-intervention model role-play in “Rehearsing Consent Culture” by Richard M. Wright, and the possibilities of development of skills towards consent culture.
I cheered Shawn Taylor in “The Power of Men Teaching Men” in his personal journey of respecting the integrity of a woman’s body, and his emergence to holding other men accountable for their sexual violence.
I agreed with respecting “Bodily Autonomy for Kids” by Akilah S. Richard and her emotions that came up.
I teared up at Laura Kate’s “To Keep a Roof Over my Head, I Consented to Delaying my Transition”. By delaying her transition from male to female at puberty for a year, the irreversible changes to her body meant her current and future quality of life was affected.
There are indeed many voices, perspectives, and angles to dissecting rape culture, and to deciphering how to bridge that to consent culture. Stryker makes sure to cultivate a variety of voices in here, many of whom have not written on this topic publicly before. Her editing style leaves a lot of room for each contributor to speak from the heart and their own experience while also ensuring the pieces are accessible.
To round things off, Stryker wisely invited sex educator Carol Queen to write the Afterword. Queen honestly and vulnerably admits that while she has a thousand things to say about consent culture, there is still a lack of safe culture “when not being stopped is conflated with active consent”. She defines rape culture as “a culture that minimizes, ignores, or normalizes acts of sexual non-consent, does not adequately teach about consent, and does not seek to help people learn to pursue their desires in a consensual way.”
By this definition, we do have a rape culture to grapple with, yet each of us can do something towards building a consent culture. Reading this book is a start – with a list of resources in the back to encourage further exploration, may it also encourage action.
To prepare for the radio interview, I opened her book to realise that it was separated into seven well thought out sections: In the Bedroom; In the School; In the Jail; In the Workplace; In the Home; In the Hospital; and In the Community. Of course! Consent does not and should not be limited to the individual or the sexual. There’s dynamics of consent in all aspects of our lives, including within law, society, and governance.
In Stryker’s introduction, she explains her desire to curate something that took the consent in “safe, sane, and consensual” seriously, while also recognizing and unpacking how systems of power complicate what we can say yes and no to. Ask: Building Consent Culture is the result – an anthology with 24 pieces brushing on many areas of that nuance.
Feminist author Laurie Penny opens the anthology with a piece about why this book is important, touching on the political landscape in the United States and the various ways consent culture is struggling to take root. Penny writes, “The liberation of women, queers, femmes, and female-identi ed people is about more than negative liberty—it is about more than “freedom from.” It’s not just freedom from rape, freedom from abuse, freedom from fear. It is also “freedom to”—freedom to express desire, to explore pleasure, to seek intimacy and adventure. Perhaps what we should be asking of sexual liberation is not the mere absence of violence. Perhaps we should be going for something beyond “Let’s not rape each other.” What if we can do better?”
Ask: Building Consent Culture attempts to give a diverse group of people space to suggest what they think could be done better. None of the essays purport to have THE answer, but rather, AN answer.
Once I delved into the essays, I appreciated learning about the FRIES model coined by Planned Parenthood (standing for Freely given; Reversible; Informed; Enthusiastic, and Specific) as part of the essay, “The Political is Personal” by Porscha Coleman.
I was drawn in and touched by what transpired in a bystander-intervention model role-play in “Rehearsing Consent Culture” by Richard M. Wright, and the possibilities of development of skills towards consent culture.
I cheered Shawn Taylor in “The Power of Men Teaching Men” in his personal journey of respecting the integrity of a woman’s body, and his emergence to holding other men accountable for their sexual violence.
I agreed with respecting “Bodily Autonomy for Kids” by Akilah S. Richard and her emotions that came up.
I teared up at Laura Kate’s “To Keep a Roof Over my Head, I Consented to Delaying my Transition”. By delaying her transition from male to female at puberty for a year, the irreversible changes to her body meant her current and future quality of life was affected.
There are indeed many voices, perspectives, and angles to dissecting rape culture, and to deciphering how to bridge that to consent culture. Stryker makes sure to cultivate a variety of voices in here, many of whom have not written on this topic publicly before. Her editing style leaves a lot of room for each contributor to speak from the heart and their own experience while also ensuring the pieces are accessible.
To round things off, Stryker wisely invited sex educator Carol Queen to write the Afterword. Queen honestly and vulnerably admits that while she has a thousand things to say about consent culture, there is still a lack of safe culture “when not being stopped is conflated with active consent”. She defines rape culture as “a culture that minimizes, ignores, or normalizes acts of sexual non-consent, does not adequately teach about consent, and does not seek to help people learn to pursue their desires in a consensual way.”
By this definition, we do have a rape culture to grapple with, yet each of us can do something towards building a consent culture. Reading this book is a start – with a list of resources in the back to encourage further exploration, may it also encourage action.
September 25, 2019
I checked Ask: Building Consent Culture with the hope that I may gain insight in how to talk and teach consent with my family. What I got was a grab-bag of essays of varying quality that may or may not directly discuss consent.
The six essays I thought most useful or thought provoking are:
"Sex and Love When You Hate Yourself and Don't Have Your Shit Together" by Joellen Notte, for tackling mental illness, love, and consent. That also ties in well with Sez Thomasin's essay "Sex Is a Life Skill: Sex Ed for the Neuroatypical," which discusses the fact that kids placed in special ed classrooms may also benefit from sex ed and consent, and why.
"Rehearsing Consent Culture: Revolutionary Playtime" by Richard M. Wright offers, for my needs, possibly the best way to approach teaching consent to children and teens in the book.
Navarre Overton's "The Kids Aren't All Right: Consent and Our Miranda Rights" discussed consent outside of a sexual context, and in a light I hadn't considered important. While Navarre discusses how kids that are read their Miranda rights may not actually understand what they're consenting to, I wondered how often this plays out for people who don't speak English in the United States. It is troubling to consider just how disadvantaged someone who doesn't speak English is when the law knocks on their door...
"Giving Birth When Black" by Takeallah Rivera made me mad. It's a good essay, but damn, the issues around consent in the hospital and around birth are frustrating.
Kate Fractal's "Games, Role-Playing, and Consent" is great for ideas on how to consider consent in games (and, incidentally, ideas for role playing that I think will be great for my family).
Finally, I appreciated Carol Queen's Afterword. I felt that it spoke honestly to the realities of how consent can be murky and awkward. That it isn't an easy problem to solve, and how many of us don't have the patience for any solution other than an immediate solution.
For me, those essays made this book worthwhile.
The other essays? Some were riddled with logical loopholes such that I felt that I was contorting myself in an effort to make sense of their conclusion. Many missed opportunities to provide citations, instead relying on the familiar weasel words "studies show". Which studies
Finally, the worst of the lot were essays that were self-aggrandizing, conflated bullying with assault (having been at the receiving end of both, I cannot agree that bullying and assault are equivalent), or discussed topics so far afield that consent was but a tangent to their topic.
I'm still looking for a solid book on consent, and how to teach consent. This offers glimmers of hope that something is out there. In the mean time, I at least have a few gems that I can start with today.
The six essays I thought most useful or thought provoking are:
"Sex and Love When You Hate Yourself and Don't Have Your Shit Together" by Joellen Notte, for tackling mental illness, love, and consent. That also ties in well with Sez Thomasin's essay "Sex Is a Life Skill: Sex Ed for the Neuroatypical," which discusses the fact that kids placed in special ed classrooms may also benefit from sex ed and consent, and why.
"Rehearsing Consent Culture: Revolutionary Playtime" by Richard M. Wright offers, for my needs, possibly the best way to approach teaching consent to children and teens in the book.
Navarre Overton's "The Kids Aren't All Right: Consent and Our Miranda Rights" discussed consent outside of a sexual context, and in a light I hadn't considered important. While Navarre discusses how kids that are read their Miranda rights may not actually understand what they're consenting to, I wondered how often this plays out for people who don't speak English in the United States. It is troubling to consider just how disadvantaged someone who doesn't speak English is when the law knocks on their door...
"Giving Birth When Black" by Takeallah Rivera made me mad. It's a good essay, but damn, the issues around consent in the hospital and around birth are frustrating.
Kate Fractal's "Games, Role-Playing, and Consent" is great for ideas on how to consider consent in games (and, incidentally, ideas for role playing that I think will be great for my family).
Finally, I appreciated Carol Queen's Afterword. I felt that it spoke honestly to the realities of how consent can be murky and awkward. That it isn't an easy problem to solve, and how many of us don't have the patience for any solution other than an immediate solution.
For me, those essays made this book worthwhile.
The other essays? Some were riddled with logical loopholes such that I felt that I was contorting myself in an effort to make sense of their conclusion. Many missed opportunities to provide citations, instead relying on the familiar weasel words "studies show". Which studies
Finally, the worst of the lot were essays that were self-aggrandizing, conflated bullying with assault (having been at the receiving end of both, I cannot agree that bullying and assault are equivalent), or discussed topics so far afield that consent was but a tangent to their topic.
I'm still looking for a solid book on consent, and how to teach consent. This offers glimmers of hope that something is out there. In the mean time, I at least have a few gems that I can start with today.
October 26, 2017
I had a brief conversation with Kitty Stryker after reading the book, and she said "part of what I wanted was to raise questions and make people think about consent in new ways." She has absolutely achieved that goal with this book.
The way that consent is approached in this book is revolutionary. Instead of looking at consent as a legal barrier delineating crime from acceptable behavior, the essays explore how consent permeates every aspect of our lives, and how violations of consent, regardless of legality, cause harm. The variety of perspectives is extremely broad, and I am certain that every single reader will find some point of view they weren't already familiar with.
The nuances of consent explored in this book are something that every single person should be thinking about, talking about, and adjusting their behavior so that we can live in a culture of safety and consent.
The way that consent is approached in this book is revolutionary. Instead of looking at consent as a legal barrier delineating crime from acceptable behavior, the essays explore how consent permeates every aspect of our lives, and how violations of consent, regardless of legality, cause harm. The variety of perspectives is extremely broad, and I am certain that every single reader will find some point of view they weren't already familiar with.
The nuances of consent explored in this book are something that every single person should be thinking about, talking about, and adjusting their behavior so that we can live in a culture of safety and consent.
July 4, 2018
Ask: Building a Consent Culture is one of those books that starts an important conversation, but is not going to be the most powerful part of that conversation. Stryker has gathered a number of people to discuss what consent looks like outside of just sex, and that's an important issue to parce through. On the other hand, many of these articles are very short and light on analysis. Most are very focused on specific situations rather than consent as a whole. There are lots of interesting ideas arising from this book, but lots of questions remaining and frameworks to really interrogate.
April 14, 2018
This book is everything I hoped it would be and then some! The contributors were really intentional about making sure that the voices of contributors who are trans and/or people of color are represented. The perspectives illustrate a wide range of contexts in which to consider consent culture, both theoretically and practically. Highly recommend.
June 7, 2018
I gave this read 5 stars, even though I did not find all the essays as informative as others. However, combined it is such a valuable, and inspiring, resource. It really leaves me thinking about consent in ways that I have never considered consent before. Especially as a white, cis woman it is important to read about perspectives of other people.
So valuable and so recommended.
So valuable and so recommended.
February 21, 2018
The sections of this book start with consent in the bedroom, which seems natural enough, but it could have started in its reverse with the last chapter, Consent in the Community. And Carol Queen's afterword first.
April 2, 2018
A useful primer on consent in different areas of life and ideas for combatting rape culture.
April 26, 2018
Interesting, relevant and important anthology that covers a wide range of topics quite concisely. Would suggest for young people and those raising them.
January 30, 2020
As a children's librarian, I was hoping this book would have a few chapters geared toward parents and teachers with advice about "building consent culture" in the form of raising children who could assess their own feelings & needs, express them to others, advocate for themselves, and simultaneously be able to hear other's expressions of feelings & needs, and negotiate respectfully.
It doesn't.
It has several references to children not having to kiss Aunt Mildred, and there are two great essays that consider the fundamental roles of families (of all types). I very much appreciated the idea put forward by Eve Rickert & Franklin Veaux in the essay "Consent Culture Begins at Home" that healthy, functional families have made a commitment to care - and that there is some level of non-consensuality in that agreement, which may feel like coercion but is so basic to the idea of family that they tried very hard to explain why it's still a good thing. Considering whether adults have a right to ask other adults to change (which might include asking them to consent to something they don't wish to do) in order to keep the family stable, loving, & functional is very interesting. They use the term "pre-consent" as another way to say "commit to consent" in this specific context. It goes against other discussions of consent, and I think they were very brave & also practical to carve out this exception.
Also interesting was the essay "Bodily Autonomy for Kids" by Akilah Richards, which explained that parents must help children understand their options for protecting their physical & emotional selves. This essay would have been the one that I needed for practical advice, but instead it remained theoretical, and attempted to include a very wide range of families - including those who might consider using their children as an exchange that includes food, drugs, or sex. Their statistics on child sexual abuse do not explain how widespread it is - only what percentage of it is done by family members.
Meanwhile, the rest of us are still trying to learn how to do the basic things of teaching our children to set boundaries, while we are also struggling to get through an ordinary day of breakfast, chores, commutes, etc.
In conclusion, this was an interesting batch of essays to read, but may not meet the immediate needs of the average parent who is trying to "build consent culture" in their own family.
It doesn't.
It has several references to children not having to kiss Aunt Mildred, and there are two great essays that consider the fundamental roles of families (of all types). I very much appreciated the idea put forward by Eve Rickert & Franklin Veaux in the essay "Consent Culture Begins at Home" that healthy, functional families have made a commitment to care - and that there is some level of non-consensuality in that agreement, which may feel like coercion but is so basic to the idea of family that they tried very hard to explain why it's still a good thing. Considering whether adults have a right to ask other adults to change (which might include asking them to consent to something they don't wish to do) in order to keep the family stable, loving, & functional is very interesting. They use the term "pre-consent" as another way to say "commit to consent" in this specific context. It goes against other discussions of consent, and I think they were very brave & also practical to carve out this exception.
Also interesting was the essay "Bodily Autonomy for Kids" by Akilah Richards, which explained that parents must help children understand their options for protecting their physical & emotional selves. This essay would have been the one that I needed for practical advice, but instead it remained theoretical, and attempted to include a very wide range of families - including those who might consider using their children as an exchange that includes food, drugs, or sex. Their statistics on child sexual abuse do not explain how widespread it is - only what percentage of it is done by family members.
Meanwhile, the rest of us are still trying to learn how to do the basic things of teaching our children to set boundaries, while we are also struggling to get through an ordinary day of breakfast, chores, commutes, etc.
In conclusion, this was an interesting batch of essays to read, but may not meet the immediate needs of the average parent who is trying to "build consent culture" in their own family.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
Displaying 1 - 30 of 57 reviews