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The New I Do: Reshaping Marriage for Skeptics, Realists and Rebels
If half of all cars bought in America each year broke down, there would be a national uproar. But when people suggest that maybe every single marriage doesn't look like the next and isn't meant to last until death, there's nothing but a rash of proposed laws trying to force it to do just that.
In The New I Do , therapist Susan Pease Gadoua and journalist Vicki Larson take a groundbreaking look at the modern shape of marriage to help readers open their minds to marrying more consciously and creatively. Offering actual models of less-traditional marriages, including everything from a parenting marriage (intended for the sake of raising and nurturing children) to a comfort or safety marriage (where people marry for financial security or companionship), the book covers unique options for couples interested in forging their own paths. With advice to help listeners decide what works for them, The New I Do acts as a guide to thinking outside the marital box and the framework for a new debate on marriage in the 21st century.
In The New I Do , therapist Susan Pease Gadoua and journalist Vicki Larson take a groundbreaking look at the modern shape of marriage to help readers open their minds to marrying more consciously and creatively. Offering actual models of less-traditional marriages, including everything from a parenting marriage (intended for the sake of raising and nurturing children) to a comfort or safety marriage (where people marry for financial security or companionship), the book covers unique options for couples interested in forging their own paths. With advice to help listeners decide what works for them, The New I Do acts as a guide to thinking outside the marital box and the framework for a new debate on marriage in the 21st century.
243 pages, Kindle Edition
First published September 23, 2014
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 50 reviews
January 9, 2016
I have been happily married for over eleven years. I also happen to think that marriage is an archaic institution that feeds into capitalist romantic notions of partner ownership that sets unrealistic expectations for all involved. I have invested eleven years in my partnership with my wife, and I do not want to blithely throw away all that I have built in that eleven years with my wife, even with my views on "holy matrimony." Fortunately, my wife has a background in sociology, so she suggested that we read The New I Do.
If you are going to read this book, either pre or post-vows, you need to approach it with an open mind. If you are hell bent on pigeon-holing marriage into one rigid definition, you are wasting your time here. Gadoua and her co-author Vicki Larson are working with the premise that "traditional" marriage is failing (and they cite the divorce statistics to back their premise) so we need to redefine marriage. Gadoua and Larson both share their "failed" marriage stories and thus create a bond with readers looking to break the shackles of "traditional" marriage. As such, they provide readers with multiple options for re-defining marriage. And while I detect that Gadoua and Larson come at the subject from a fairly liberal position (because at it's core, their premise is fairly radical) they do attempt to cover both sides of the political spectrum by addressing a favorite of evangelicals called "covenant marriage." At the end, they basically boil every marriage type into some sort of contract--they strongly believe that those entering marriages should have expectations in writing before going forward. Ultimately for them, those adhering to their agreements will be successful with their version of "marriage."
If there is a weakness with this book, it is that most of the marriage types Gadoua and Larson write about are written about at a summary level. I think that may be necessary here because to spend to much time on different types of marriage would lead to a book five times the size of this one, or betray their bias to one type of marriage described. However, like good little academics, they provide bibliographies for further reading for the different types of marriage they describe in the book.
Ultimately, I think that most of the failings human beings have when it comes to marriage are because we forget that even though we think we are so much further evolved from the apes we descended from, we are still animals and sometimes our drives and desires run counter to what the gilded cage of "traditional" marriage would trap us in. However, if we are more evolved from dung flinging apes, we should be able to open the lines of communication with our partners and be more flexible about what marriage should be about. When you've built something special, you want it to last, and not have it be obliterated because of inflexible notions of togetherness and what that means. This book is a good first step in figuring out how to get there.
If you are going to read this book, either pre or post-vows, you need to approach it with an open mind. If you are hell bent on pigeon-holing marriage into one rigid definition, you are wasting your time here. Gadoua and her co-author Vicki Larson are working with the premise that "traditional" marriage is failing (and they cite the divorce statistics to back their premise) so we need to redefine marriage. Gadoua and Larson both share their "failed" marriage stories and thus create a bond with readers looking to break the shackles of "traditional" marriage. As such, they provide readers with multiple options for re-defining marriage. And while I detect that Gadoua and Larson come at the subject from a fairly liberal position (because at it's core, their premise is fairly radical) they do attempt to cover both sides of the political spectrum by addressing a favorite of evangelicals called "covenant marriage." At the end, they basically boil every marriage type into some sort of contract--they strongly believe that those entering marriages should have expectations in writing before going forward. Ultimately for them, those adhering to their agreements will be successful with their version of "marriage."
If there is a weakness with this book, it is that most of the marriage types Gadoua and Larson write about are written about at a summary level. I think that may be necessary here because to spend to much time on different types of marriage would lead to a book five times the size of this one, or betray their bias to one type of marriage described. However, like good little academics, they provide bibliographies for further reading for the different types of marriage they describe in the book.
Ultimately, I think that most of the failings human beings have when it comes to marriage are because we forget that even though we think we are so much further evolved from the apes we descended from, we are still animals and sometimes our drives and desires run counter to what the gilded cage of "traditional" marriage would trap us in. However, if we are more evolved from dung flinging apes, we should be able to open the lines of communication with our partners and be more flexible about what marriage should be about. When you've built something special, you want it to last, and not have it be obliterated because of inflexible notions of togetherness and what that means. This book is a good first step in figuring out how to get there.
August 3, 2014
When I said “I do” to my husband 25 years ago, I remember thinking that I wasn’t quite sure what I was signing up for. I knew there were certain clichés I wasn’t going to write into my vows – but that’s about as far as I could verbalize it even to myself. I felt like I still needed to figure out in secret what being married was. I feared that verbalizing any doubts or questions would be viewed as something less than “true love”. I moved forward because I’d never felt this way about anyone else and trusted myself, and him, to figure it out as we went.
If I had had access to a book like “The New I Do” I would have inhaled it.
I would have had the courage to open up the discussion with my new husband right at the beginning and not felt like I was walking down the matrimony road blind-folded.
The dichotomy is that society has always had PLENTY of opinions about marriage – but I’ve never heard a real dialog about it.
The New I Do is the first place I’ve found a concrete exploration of options, reasons, and style choices on how to make another person your “significant other”.
This book is entertaining to read and takes you on a journey of other people’s intimate lives and what makes them tick. You can’t help but put yourself and partner into each circumstance and imagine the potential … or fall-out. Both writers seem genuinely hungry to leave no marriage option stone un-turned and shy away from nothing.
I hope this book get’s used as a catalyst for people not to be spooked about having deliberate discussions with their partners (and themselves) about what kind of marriage they both really want.
If I had had access to a book like “The New I Do” I would have inhaled it.
I would have had the courage to open up the discussion with my new husband right at the beginning and not felt like I was walking down the matrimony road blind-folded.
The dichotomy is that society has always had PLENTY of opinions about marriage – but I’ve never heard a real dialog about it.
The New I Do is the first place I’ve found a concrete exploration of options, reasons, and style choices on how to make another person your “significant other”.
This book is entertaining to read and takes you on a journey of other people’s intimate lives and what makes them tick. You can’t help but put yourself and partner into each circumstance and imagine the potential … or fall-out. Both writers seem genuinely hungry to leave no marriage option stone un-turned and shy away from nothing.
I hope this book get’s used as a catalyst for people not to be spooked about having deliberate discussions with their partners (and themselves) about what kind of marriage they both really want.
November 12, 2014
This was an exceptionally thought-provoking book about the current state
(of disarray)of marriage and the alternatives to the cookie-cutter version we all grew up with. I highly recommend this to all single, married, divorced and to the soon-to-be any of those things! I am giving copies to my two young adult and not yet married children for Christmas. I bet it will provoke a lively conversation at the table that day!
(of disarray)of marriage and the alternatives to the cookie-cutter version we all grew up with. I highly recommend this to all single, married, divorced and to the soon-to-be any of those things! I am giving copies to my two young adult and not yet married children for Christmas. I bet it will provoke a lively conversation at the table that day!
May 25, 2018
I am not a huge fan of marriage. In another reviewer's words, marriage is an archaic institution that feeds into capitalist romantic notions of partner ownership that sets unrealistic expectations for all involved . I understand that it works fantastically or at least well enough for a lot of people but when you look not only at divorce rates but the ones who stay together even though they are miserably unhappy as a couple, it's clear that as an institution it isn't working in the current narrow definition of it when applied to the populous as a whole. I don't understand why when this many people suffer and either divorce or stay together miserably, there is still this stigma of "they didn't try hard enough". That is such a cruel blithely thing to say. While I am sure that there are some who divorce casually, every single person I know who divorced only did it after agonizing years of trying to force something to work that simply was unworkable. I think taking away the stigma and not making people demonize their spouses would go a long way toward amicable c0-parenting. If people could simply say "this worked, this was a success for what it was but now it's over" , a lot of the pain and fighting that takes place during a divorce would vanish.
The author of this book agrees and her research backs a lot of it up and she has many alternatives to the 'typical' marriage that I can see working for a lot of people. The first one she mentions is the starter marriage and my concern about this one is that you had better have an iron clad agreement ahead of time. Divorce is freaking expensive and if your starter spouse decides that they DO want half of that inheritance you got from your great-uncle, then like I said, iron-clad. Companionship marriage makes sense to me , someone who is compatible rather than a mad passionate love (that will not last). However, my concern with this one is having sex with someone you aren't sexually attracted to. How does that even work? However, a lot of people have this kind of marriage and statistically they are more content that those who married because they were madly in love.
The parenting marriage made a lot of fantastic points. Does it makes sense to parent with someone out of mad passionate love? When parenting will suck the passion right out of your relationship? Doesn't it make more sense to parent with someone who you agree with as far as parenting styles, who will divy up the responsibilities in a way that's fair for both of you, who you are extremely fond of? Having children together because you are "in love" can lead to nasty surprises when your discover that you disagree over child rearing or you have a 'partner' who's leaving it all to you.
The Living Alone Together I think only makes sense if you don't have children. I totally get this one if you are child -free because you can maintain your independence and autonomy and not have to be around someone every day. However, if you have children, it's not fair. To put the parenting duties on one parent while the other is out having a good old time is bullsh!t and not fair to the children or the spouse.
The covenant marriage shouldn't even be in here , imho, because this is even more narrow than the current narrow definition of marriage.
The Safety marriage, also 'gold digger', makes a lot of sense too. Marrying for financial security seems like a fantastic idea and while it frequently works, there is an imbalance of power in a relationship where one has the income and the other doesn't.
The open marriage is something that people will automatically shut down without considering and of course it's not for everyone. But it makes sense. If monogamy isn't the end all be all for you and you aren't a possessive person nor do you want to 'own' someone, it has an appeal.
The chapter asking if marriage is even necessary was interesting. But I disagree with her when she said that no longer are mothers dependent on their husbands so they are able to leave or not be married at all. That simply isn't true for many. There are many careers that are so demanding that one spouse will have to either take huge step back in their career or leave the labor force all together to parent. This Utopian egalitarian society doesn't exist (at least not here) .
Over all a thought provoking and intriguing read. (some of the reviews were butt hurt at the idea of marriage being changed but they don't have to change their marriage so not sure why they were threatened)
The author of this book agrees and her research backs a lot of it up and she has many alternatives to the 'typical' marriage that I can see working for a lot of people. The first one she mentions is the starter marriage and my concern about this one is that you had better have an iron clad agreement ahead of time. Divorce is freaking expensive and if your starter spouse decides that they DO want half of that inheritance you got from your great-uncle, then like I said, iron-clad. Companionship marriage makes sense to me , someone who is compatible rather than a mad passionate love (that will not last). However, my concern with this one is having sex with someone you aren't sexually attracted to. How does that even work? However, a lot of people have this kind of marriage and statistically they are more content that those who married because they were madly in love.
The parenting marriage made a lot of fantastic points. Does it makes sense to parent with someone out of mad passionate love? When parenting will suck the passion right out of your relationship? Doesn't it make more sense to parent with someone who you agree with as far as parenting styles, who will divy up the responsibilities in a way that's fair for both of you, who you are extremely fond of? Having children together because you are "in love" can lead to nasty surprises when your discover that you disagree over child rearing or you have a 'partner' who's leaving it all to you.
The Living Alone Together I think only makes sense if you don't have children. I totally get this one if you are child -free because you can maintain your independence and autonomy and not have to be around someone every day. However, if you have children, it's not fair. To put the parenting duties on one parent while the other is out having a good old time is bullsh!t and not fair to the children or the spouse.
The covenant marriage shouldn't even be in here , imho, because this is even more narrow than the current narrow definition of marriage.
The Safety marriage, also 'gold digger', makes a lot of sense too. Marrying for financial security seems like a fantastic idea and while it frequently works, there is an imbalance of power in a relationship where one has the income and the other doesn't.
The open marriage is something that people will automatically shut down without considering and of course it's not for everyone. But it makes sense. If monogamy isn't the end all be all for you and you aren't a possessive person nor do you want to 'own' someone, it has an appeal.
The chapter asking if marriage is even necessary was interesting. But I disagree with her when she said that no longer are mothers dependent on their husbands so they are able to leave or not be married at all. That simply isn't true for many. There are many careers that are so demanding that one spouse will have to either take huge step back in their career or leave the labor force all together to parent. This Utopian egalitarian society doesn't exist (at least not here) .
Over all a thought provoking and intriguing read. (some of the reviews were butt hurt at the idea of marriage being changed but they don't have to change their marriage so not sure why they were threatened)
July 4, 2017
I suppose this is more my issue than the book's, but somehow this book managed to make all of these different types of marriages sound absolutely dreadful. The idea of deciding for oneself(ves) what marriage should mean is obviously great, and my favorite parts of this book were consequently the first and last chapters, which discussed very eloquently the idea of redefining marriage and acknowledging that many of our traditional ways of thinking about it just aren't working.
But the marital models themselves just sound awful and awkward, and the chapter on open marriages doesn't seem to include any perspectives from actual polyamorous couples, just the typical "we were bored/unhappy so we decided to sleep around on the side and then realized how In Love We Really Were and became monogamous again." Like, k. There was also a mention of a "six month open, six month monogamous marriage," which almost made me throw the book across the damn lawn. I wish books/chapters on nonmonogamy would at least mention the fact that rules and hierarchies are NOT a must, and I wish they would caution optimistic and naive new nonmonog couples that *you cannot control your feelings using rules*. Behavior, maybe. MAYBE. But you can't just make a RULE about not having certain feelings. Feelings are going to happen.
Also, I'm sorry, but why the fuck are covenant marriages in this book. The subtitle is "Reshaping marriage for skeptics, realists, and rebels," and I'm pretty sure none of those three categories of people would enter into a legal agreement that literally restricts their freedom to get away from an abusive spouse. (Covenant marriages allow divorce in a few special cases, but you have to prove it and emotional and financial abuse don't count, only physical and sexual abuse.) Seriously, Google that shit if you want to be horrified. It belongs in a 17th century legal manual, not in a 21st century book on practical and nontraditional marital arrangements.
I do credit these authors for actually including same-sex couples in their interviews and discussions, which few authors do when discussing relationships (especially marriage). I also think it's pretty great that they make sure to discuss the potential downsides of all of these arrangements, except for the poly stuff I mentioned above.
I suppose that if romance isn't really a consideration for you when it comes to marriage, this book presents some great alternatives. I don't care much about marriage in any sense--to me it would just be a way to celebrate a meaningful relationship with our friends and family as well as get some sweet tax benefits--but nothing in this book really appealed to me, even as a poly person who will have an open marriage if I do get married. It's really just a bunch of different ways to write a legal contract.
But the marital models themselves just sound awful and awkward, and the chapter on open marriages doesn't seem to include any perspectives from actual polyamorous couples, just the typical "we were bored/unhappy so we decided to sleep around on the side and then realized how In Love We Really Were and became monogamous again." Like, k. There was also a mention of a "six month open, six month monogamous marriage," which almost made me throw the book across the damn lawn. I wish books/chapters on nonmonogamy would at least mention the fact that rules and hierarchies are NOT a must, and I wish they would caution optimistic and naive new nonmonog couples that *you cannot control your feelings using rules*. Behavior, maybe. MAYBE. But you can't just make a RULE about not having certain feelings. Feelings are going to happen.
Also, I'm sorry, but why the fuck are covenant marriages in this book. The subtitle is "Reshaping marriage for skeptics, realists, and rebels," and I'm pretty sure none of those three categories of people would enter into a legal agreement that literally restricts their freedom to get away from an abusive spouse. (Covenant marriages allow divorce in a few special cases, but you have to prove it and emotional and financial abuse don't count, only physical and sexual abuse.) Seriously, Google that shit if you want to be horrified. It belongs in a 17th century legal manual, not in a 21st century book on practical and nontraditional marital arrangements.
I do credit these authors for actually including same-sex couples in their interviews and discussions, which few authors do when discussing relationships (especially marriage). I also think it's pretty great that they make sure to discuss the potential downsides of all of these arrangements, except for the poly stuff I mentioned above.
I suppose that if romance isn't really a consideration for you when it comes to marriage, this book presents some great alternatives. I don't care much about marriage in any sense--to me it would just be a way to celebrate a meaningful relationship with our friends and family as well as get some sweet tax benefits--but nothing in this book really appealed to me, even as a poly person who will have an open marriage if I do get married. It's really just a bunch of different ways to write a legal contract.
January 31, 2015
Because I'm in the midst of writing a book on marriage, I'm reading MANY others' works. The past 2 non-faith based marriage books have blown me away. I will give the authors credit for busting paradigms and "helping" folks try to create workable contracts for marriage but really, books like this actually foster the extreme right wing fears that we're all going down.
Here's some of their advice:
"Having outside lovers may complicate the relationship dynamics." Woa. Who'd a thunk?
In chapter 9, which was on open marriages and includes a story of a couple who invited their wedding guests to have sex with them:
"You may experience shame or sin." (In their economy is there such a thing as sin?)
"Your partner may become emotionally attached to someone else."
So perhaps it's utterly ungracious of me, a woman who actually thinks marriage between a man and a woman is a good idea, to review this book. I'll close with another quote: "You may already know that sexual monogamy and lifetime pair-bonding is rare among animals. Well, it's not much different for humans." So hey, why try? Spare yourself. Avoid this one.
Here's some of their advice:
"Having outside lovers may complicate the relationship dynamics." Woa. Who'd a thunk?
In chapter 9, which was on open marriages and includes a story of a couple who invited their wedding guests to have sex with them:
"You may experience shame or sin." (In their economy is there such a thing as sin?)
"Your partner may become emotionally attached to someone else."
So perhaps it's utterly ungracious of me, a woman who actually thinks marriage between a man and a woman is a good idea, to review this book. I'll close with another quote: "You may already know that sexual monogamy and lifetime pair-bonding is rare among animals. Well, it's not much different for humans." So hey, why try? Spare yourself. Avoid this one.
November 2, 2019
Great informative read
As a millenial, who is considering marriage in the near future, it was eye opening to see the kind of questions that should be discussed before stepping into marriage. Questions that normally one wouldnt think of and that I am looking forward to discussing with my significant other.
As a millenial, who is considering marriage in the near future, it was eye opening to see the kind of questions that should be discussed before stepping into marriage. Questions that normally one wouldnt think of and that I am looking forward to discussing with my significant other.
August 29, 2015
Nothing particularly new, nor particularly interesting.
The book isn't really about marriage, it's about personal relationships. Marriage is a legal contract with specific rights and responsibilities, and the authors barely touch on it. Instead, they spend hundreds of pages reviewing all the exotic ways people arrange their sex lives, inside the contract and out of it.
I was hoping for a guide to different sorts of ACTUAL marriages--fixed term contracts, or polyamory clauses, or the like. Unfortunately, to judge by this book, the legal definition of marriage has barely shifted at all in a century, and the only new legal option is the "Covenant Marriage," which strikes me as essentially the same old story with stiffer penalties.
Complete fluff. Useful only if you know nothing at all about human affairs, and even then anyone over the age of twelve can use their imaginations.
The book isn't really about marriage, it's about personal relationships. Marriage is a legal contract with specific rights and responsibilities, and the authors barely touch on it. Instead, they spend hundreds of pages reviewing all the exotic ways people arrange their sex lives, inside the contract and out of it.
I was hoping for a guide to different sorts of ACTUAL marriages--fixed term contracts, or polyamory clauses, or the like. Unfortunately, to judge by this book, the legal definition of marriage has barely shifted at all in a century, and the only new legal option is the "Covenant Marriage," which strikes me as essentially the same old story with stiffer penalties.
Complete fluff. Useful only if you know nothing at all about human affairs, and even then anyone over the age of twelve can use their imaginations.
May 27, 2017
Initially I was very disappointed with this book. I was expecting a scholarly study of how marriage is evolving; that's not what this is; this is self-help. I was really disgusted at how lazy and incomplete citations and references are; there's no way you could find a quote from a print source in its original context.
But since it's research for a project I'm working on, I kept reading anyway. And I found myself surprised, enlightened, intrigued, and provoked to thought by the analysis and advice in this volume. I think it's wise in its assessment of what people need to think about as they approach marriage and generous in the options it empowers people to choose. I began recommending it before I even finished it and I still recommend it now.
But I'm docking it a star because I really do hate how incomplete its citations are.
But since it's research for a project I'm working on, I kept reading anyway. And I found myself surprised, enlightened, intrigued, and provoked to thought by the analysis and advice in this volume. I think it's wise in its assessment of what people need to think about as they approach marriage and generous in the options it empowers people to choose. I began recommending it before I even finished it and I still recommend it now.
But I'm docking it a star because I really do hate how incomplete its citations are.
October 14, 2014
Wow! What a thought-provoking read. This ground-breaking book promotes a radical idea -- talking openly to your future spouse to make sure you both want the same thing in marriage. Some people may be upset by some of the marital models they suggest, but it's clear they are trying to get people to marry smarter. Here's my favorite bit:
"The marital models in this book require you to take off your rose-colored glasses and romantic notions about love and see marriage as a wonderful union with goals, responsibilities, and ways to measure how well you are doing, as a couple and as a spouse. You can’t determine if something is successful or not unless you are extremely clear about the tasks at hand..."
"The marital models in this book require you to take off your rose-colored glasses and romantic notions about love and see marriage as a wonderful union with goals, responsibilities, and ways to measure how well you are doing, as a couple and as a spouse. You can’t determine if something is successful or not unless you are extremely clear about the tasks at hand..."
November 2, 2014
Some interesting ideas for reshaping marriage to better fit what you and your spouse would like it to be. The different chapters provide excellent suggestions on questions the affianced couple should discuss well before getting married to ensure they are on the same page in regards to goals and expectations. The questions and the idea of drawing up a formal marriage contract ahead of time would be useful for any couple. The authors also differentiated between several different kinds of marriages, which was interesting to read about, though obviously, they may not be for everyone.
December 17, 2018
This book includes a few interesting facts on the history of marriage, and it offers up some good questions for couples to ask themselves. For a book that seeks to broaden the conversation about what marriage is for, I found the categories of marriage listed here to be a bit limiting and rather unnuanced. To be truly helpful, the book would have offered more examples of relationship contracts. This book seems pretty hastily written by people who have a bone to pick with something or someone from the past.
October 8, 2020
This book is not at all what I expected. And while I hate to give a negative review for that reason, I think the jacket should be much clearer that the book does not contain information about conventional marriages. By the time I got to the chapter on open marriages, I thought, “oh that’s lovely of the authors to normalize an unconventional practice if both parties consent,” but also, “this book is of no use to me.”
Will keep in mind, I’m sure I will encounter the right reader who needs this eventually.
Will keep in mind, I’m sure I will encounter the right reader who needs this eventually.
June 26, 2017
Very thought provoking on a subject that people seem to not ponder much (to my frustration!!). This book takes apart assumptions and asks people to THINK before they jump, and then to adapt to reality, not to flimsy visions of cotton candy.
The only thing I'm sorry is missing is steps to write a contract (although I do understand we must all create our own.)
The only thing I'm sorry is missing is steps to write a contract (although I do understand we must all create our own.)
June 30, 2014
Interesting as a curiosity, but not very persuasive or original. If you're thinking of a non-traditional marriage already, you would be fine skipping to the "recommended reading" section.
May 6, 2022
This book is good if you’re looking for a really practical, tactical breakdown of what the legal contract of marriage is and how you might change that. It’s very focused on various legal and financial arrangements of marriage. It made me realize that you could write different legal agreements for a marriage.
That said, if you’re looking for nuance about human behavior, psychology, how to deal with emotions and conflicts as they arise throughout a marriage, etc… this is not the book. This book consistently suggests an approach of trying to figure out a compromise to all your potential problems before entering into an agreement. It relies heavily on anticipating your wants and needs and articulating them clearly. It does not supply nuanced tactics and strategies for understanding each other better, communication, or even understanding yourself better.
I felt I could have read the chapter titles and a paragraph or two on the types of marriages they had suggested and that would have been sufficient.
That said, if you’re looking for nuance about human behavior, psychology, how to deal with emotions and conflicts as they arise throughout a marriage, etc… this is not the book. This book consistently suggests an approach of trying to figure out a compromise to all your potential problems before entering into an agreement. It relies heavily on anticipating your wants and needs and articulating them clearly. It does not supply nuanced tactics and strategies for understanding each other better, communication, or even understanding yourself better.
I felt I could have read the chapter titles and a paragraph or two on the types of marriages they had suggested and that would have been sufficient.
August 26, 2023
Solid, not earth-shattering. Nice way to think through your approach to marriage in general. I kind of cherry picked and just read the chapters that felt relevant.
July 28, 2014
Full disclosure: I know one of the authors and had the opportunity to read this book before it went to print. What struck me about it was that before long I begin to read it not as a WIP reader,who might be checking for errors or any sections that needed clarification, but as a genuine reader. The authors have tow distinct voices which is refreshing in a book of this type. It kept their discourse fresh and lively. They were able to cover every possible scenario without become boring and I knew I was sold when I picked out my own romantic relationship in one of the chapters.
Read it if you are thinking about alternatives to traditional marriage or if you're already in an alternative relationship and wondering if you should go traditional. It's a great read for anyone who wants to find out where they sit when it comes to the traditional scale of marriage. But also read it for the sheer social impact of how much relationships have changed and blossomed over the last twenty years and the choices that are now not only available, but according to the two authors, perfectly acceptable alternatives.
Read it if you are thinking about alternatives to traditional marriage or if you're already in an alternative relationship and wondering if you should go traditional. It's a great read for anyone who wants to find out where they sit when it comes to the traditional scale of marriage. But also read it for the sheer social impact of how much relationships have changed and blossomed over the last twenty years and the choices that are now not only available, but according to the two authors, perfectly acceptable alternatives.
July 8, 2020
I am doing research for my next book as I explore ways for women to expand their power and influence and think that marriage is something that needs to change to better benefit women. There was some helpful information in the book but not a lot. I really didn't get a sense of a roadmap to redefine marriage. I appreciate their effort to help people 'open their minds to marrying more consciously and creatively.' At the same time, the book was lacking in real substance that justifies a 200 page book. This could have been a series of blog posts with the bottom line being:
--know what you want out of marriage and clearly communicate with your partner
--plan for the possibility that the marriage could (from the very beginning)
--don't let societal expectations influence your definition of marriage
--keep communicating with your partner and revisit your commitment on an annual basis
--don't feel guilty if the marriage ends; it's not a failure
--know what you want out of marriage and clearly communicate with your partner
--plan for the possibility that the marriage could (from the very beginning)
--don't let societal expectations influence your definition of marriage
--keep communicating with your partner and revisit your commitment on an annual basis
--don't feel guilty if the marriage ends; it's not a failure
August 20, 2014
The New I Do is the most innovative and cutting edge book available about modern day marriage. I was amazed at just how many options there are today for conventional and unconventional marriages. The authors have come up with so many solutions besides just divorcing when a marriage gets tough. I especially liked the chapter on The Parenting Marriage which focuses on planning a marriage around having children and being parents. It goes in depth with the pros and cons of this type of union and whether it would be right for you. I feel this book could help multitudes of people in different marital situations or people who want to get married but maybe not for the typical reasons. If you have an open mind read this book! If you don't this book will make you more open minded about relationships in general!
August 24, 2017
This is the bougie, upper-middle class white person's guide to questioning the status quo of marriage. Nonetheless, it had some helpful tips, like not approaching marriage doe-eyed and assuming that love and a vow to be together forever are enough. The book approached marriage with a more practical mindset, requiring partners to have a real discussion about what you want out of this marriage, what you expect, and why you want to marry. Not sure if I like the idea of writing your marriage out as a contract but I do like the idea of discussing all aspects of one's expectations and beliefs. Definitely worth a read; it's a quick one.
November 29, 2014
A fascinating look at marriage that proposes shorter, contractual marriages rather than lifelong ones. This idea is radical, but would make couples communicate more about what they want from the marriage, and then they would have to reevaluate and decide whether to change the contract with life changes. She discusses several different types of marriages based on goals: starter marriage, parenting marriage, security marriage, companionship marriage, etc. Very interesting stuff, and worth a good think.
December 17, 2021
I still don't understand WHY these people are getting married. They have all sorts of ideas of how things can be new and exciting, which is great, but I still don't understand WHY MARRIED? Tax implications was the best answer I found, which is still pretty weak, and in some places, untrue
December 7, 2015
Anyone thinking about marriage should read this book!
December 30, 2015
It's such a fascinating look at marriage and how we can change it to meet our needs with our partners. So eye-opening.
January 4, 2016
Interesting take and view on how relationships are evolving and changing in the new millennium.
June 18, 2017
Really good reminder to think outside the box when it comes to relationships. I was inspired to write the own rules for my marriage.
June 28, 2019
I like the iconoclasm and the direct confrontation of embedded assumptions about marriage in modern society. Food for thought. A lot of detail too.
February 9, 2020
Wonderful Insights Into Modern Relationship
Really good read from wise authors. We are not failing at marriage as a culture; we are just far overdue for a paradigm change.
Really good read from wise authors. We are not failing at marriage as a culture; we are just far overdue for a paradigm change.
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