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Stepping Off the Relationship Escalator: Uncommon Love and Life
Love and relationships are not one-size-fits-all. Good thing we have options! Most people assume that healthy or serious relationships which involve romance and sex are supposed to follow this from attraction and dating, through exclusivity and living together, to marriage that ideally lasts a lifetime.
However, there are plenty of other great ways to do relationships. Options that don't involve lying, cheating, affairs, infidelity, avoiding dating or relationships, swearing off sex or love, or not being true to yourself or others. The “Relationship Escalator” is the traditional bundle of social norms for intimate monogamy, cohabitation and much more, ideally until death do you part. Beyond this, it might not be obvious what other options exist.
WHO SHOULD READ THIS book is a fun, intriguing introduction to unusual relationship options.If you want to explore unconventional relationships, or simply to understand your options, you'll find guidance here.If you want to help people you know understand relationships that don't follow the norm, this is a friendly starting point.
WHAT MAKES THIS BOOK WORTH This isn't just one person's opinion. Journalist Amy Gahran surveyed 1500 people about their unconventional intimate how those relationships work and feel. They shared moving, in-depth personal stories and insights. More than 300 people are quoted in this nonfiction book. "Stepping Off the Relationship Escalator" showcases real-life experiences
- Consensual Polyamory, swinging, open relationships or being monogamish.
- Going Choosing to live alone (or at least not with intimate partners), to not surrender individuality to couplehood, or to remain single by choice.
- Avoiding Not prioritizing a particular adult relationship by default, simply because it includes sex/romance or started first.
- Asexual and aromantic love, which emphasize forms of intimacy and bonding that our society often discounts.
- Relationship Where all aspects of a relationship are based on negotiation and consent.
- Valuing relationships that often get Ones that don't feel very intense, continue without interruption, or last forever.
Traditional relationships are a fine choice for many people. relationships are always a choice. Isn't it better to make important choices consciously, with awareness of options -- rather than by default? More information about this ongoing project, and future books in this OffEscalator.com
However, there are plenty of other great ways to do relationships. Options that don't involve lying, cheating, affairs, infidelity, avoiding dating or relationships, swearing off sex or love, or not being true to yourself or others. The “Relationship Escalator” is the traditional bundle of social norms for intimate monogamy, cohabitation and much more, ideally until death do you part. Beyond this, it might not be obvious what other options exist.
WHO SHOULD READ THIS book is a fun, intriguing introduction to unusual relationship options.If you want to explore unconventional relationships, or simply to understand your options, you'll find guidance here.If you want to help people you know understand relationships that don't follow the norm, this is a friendly starting point.
WHAT MAKES THIS BOOK WORTH This isn't just one person's opinion. Journalist Amy Gahran surveyed 1500 people about their unconventional intimate how those relationships work and feel. They shared moving, in-depth personal stories and insights. More than 300 people are quoted in this nonfiction book. "Stepping Off the Relationship Escalator" showcases real-life experiences
- Consensual Polyamory, swinging, open relationships or being monogamish.
- Going Choosing to live alone (or at least not with intimate partners), to not surrender individuality to couplehood, or to remain single by choice.
- Avoiding Not prioritizing a particular adult relationship by default, simply because it includes sex/romance or started first.
- Asexual and aromantic love, which emphasize forms of intimacy and bonding that our society often discounts.
- Relationship Where all aspects of a relationship are based on negotiation and consent.
- Valuing relationships that often get Ones that don't feel very intense, continue without interruption, or last forever.
Traditional relationships are a fine choice for many people. relationships are always a choice. Isn't it better to make important choices consciously, with awareness of options -- rather than by default? More information about this ongoing project, and future books in this OffEscalator.com
316 pages, Paperback
First published February 3, 2017
292 people are currently reading
2747 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 63 reviews
May 23, 2017
I very much appreciated this book for breaking down different elements of escalator relationships and various configurations of alternatives to it! I don't think I encountered any brand-new things, as a lifelong nonmonogamist and relationship nerd, but it was a solid reminder of why I am doing what I am doing at a time when I'm questioning it and transitioning how I do it somewhat, and as a significant partnership is transitioning into something else. I would definitely recommend this book to newbs because of the sheer options provided and the non-prescriptivity; many resources on non-monogamy proclaim a "right" way, and in my work as an educator and sometimes relationship counsellor, this is just about as damaging to people feeling good in their non-monogamy as the escalator is. There is also a whole chapter on asexuality/aromanticism, which I don't often see!
Things I didn't like so much: I can't be sure because these things were rarely specified, but overall it felt like the survey participants who informed this book were overwhelmingly white and middle-class. There were a lot of people who travel a lot, or move between multiple households. Disability & chronic illness were only mentioned as reasons people might stop having sex, which contributes to the desexualization of disabled & sick people. There was basically no mention of mental illness/madness or trauma and interactions with attachment & relationship styles. There were queer people, but they seemed mostly white & middle-class--again, can't be sure, but often when race & class aren't mentioned it's because they're presumed to be the invisible norm.
Things I didn't like so much: I can't be sure because these things were rarely specified, but overall it felt like the survey participants who informed this book were overwhelmingly white and middle-class. There were a lot of people who travel a lot, or move between multiple households. Disability & chronic illness were only mentioned as reasons people might stop having sex, which contributes to the desexualization of disabled & sick people. There was basically no mention of mental illness/madness or trauma and interactions with attachment & relationship styles. There were queer people, but they seemed mostly white & middle-class--again, can't be sure, but often when race & class aren't mentioned it's because they're presumed to be the invisible norm.
May 1, 2017
How much do you know about unconventional relationships: Polyamory? Married monogamous partners living in separate households? Relationships that may burn hot, move to the back burner, heat up again years later? Relationships that de-escalate from romantic partnerships to friendships? Non-sexual but deeply intimate and important friendships?
There are so many ways to have relationships, but the ONLY societal model familiar to most people is the Escalator: dating, becoming "more serious," living together/marriage, investment (buying a house/having kids). This is a collection of stories about the ways stepping OFF the Escalator's relationship assumptions works - or doesn't work - for some people. Without putting down those for whom the Relationship Escalator works well.
I especially loved this section:
"However, consent is an ongoing process, not a one-time choice. As circumstances and feelings evolve, people may change their minds about what they want in their relationships, and what they are willing or able to consent to. 'You signed up for this' is often used to silence partners who attempt to renegotiate rules — by implying that consent, once given, is irrevocable."
If you don't have to finish a grilled cheese sandwich in a restaurant, because it doesn't taste good to you anymore, you shouldn't have to "finish" a relationship if it is making you miserably unhappy. You should always be able to ask for changes, or to transition to a different kind of relationship.
I am a firm believer in making conscious choices in our lives, rather than mindlessly following subconscious patterns and assumptions. I LOVE this book, for people both on and off the Escalator, and am going to be rereading and gifting it frequently.
There are two more books planned in this series and I can't wait for both of them!
There are so many ways to have relationships, but the ONLY societal model familiar to most people is the Escalator: dating, becoming "more serious," living together/marriage, investment (buying a house/having kids). This is a collection of stories about the ways stepping OFF the Escalator's relationship assumptions works - or doesn't work - for some people. Without putting down those for whom the Relationship Escalator works well.
I especially loved this section:
"However, consent is an ongoing process, not a one-time choice. As circumstances and feelings evolve, people may change their minds about what they want in their relationships, and what they are willing or able to consent to. 'You signed up for this' is often used to silence partners who attempt to renegotiate rules — by implying that consent, once given, is irrevocable."
If you don't have to finish a grilled cheese sandwich in a restaurant, because it doesn't taste good to you anymore, you shouldn't have to "finish" a relationship if it is making you miserably unhappy. You should always be able to ask for changes, or to transition to a different kind of relationship.
I am a firm believer in making conscious choices in our lives, rather than mindlessly following subconscious patterns and assumptions. I LOVE this book, for people both on and off the Escalator, and am going to be rereading and gifting it frequently.
There are two more books planned in this series and I can't wait for both of them!
September 8, 2020
4.7/5 stars
This was a really accessible and enlightening book. Stepping Off the Relationship Escalator is not a run-of-the-mill self-help relationship book that tells you how to make your life and relationships better. This book does not pretend to know the answers or prioritize one way to do relationships. Gahran describes many different ways people can organize relationships off (and on) the traditional "relationship escalator" by diving into the perspectives of those living in nontraditional relationships. In discussing the many ways that people do (or don't do) relationships, it opens the door for self-reflection, regardless of what relationship format you end up favoring. I would highly recommend this for anyone interested in (or currently practice) nonmonogomy, however I also think that monogamous people would highly benefit from reading this as well -- if not to understand people in other relationships, then to feel more intentional in their relationship framework and expand their communication with their partner.
I had a couple of small problem that mostly boil down to terminology. While I think her discussion of asexuality and aromanticism was really great for the most part, I do think that the initial definition that she gave of asexuality is not the one that I see most asexuals use. Additionally, the use of "tribe" to describe a close-knit group (who might not quite be a polycule or literal family), is not ideal, as that word has its own definition in Indigenous communities. I do understand that she was likely using the terms most used in the community, this would have been a good opportunity to suggest new terminology or at least acknowledge the problem of the term.
This was a really accessible and enlightening book. Stepping Off the Relationship Escalator is not a run-of-the-mill self-help relationship book that tells you how to make your life and relationships better. This book does not pretend to know the answers or prioritize one way to do relationships. Gahran describes many different ways people can organize relationships off (and on) the traditional "relationship escalator" by diving into the perspectives of those living in nontraditional relationships. In discussing the many ways that people do (or don't do) relationships, it opens the door for self-reflection, regardless of what relationship format you end up favoring. I would highly recommend this for anyone interested in (or currently practice) nonmonogomy, however I also think that monogamous people would highly benefit from reading this as well -- if not to understand people in other relationships, then to feel more intentional in their relationship framework and expand their communication with their partner.
I had a couple of small problem that mostly boil down to terminology. While I think her discussion of asexuality and aromanticism was really great for the most part, I do think that the initial definition that she gave of asexuality is not the one that I see most asexuals use. Additionally, the use of "tribe" to describe a close-knit group (who might not quite be a polycule or literal family), is not ideal, as that word has its own definition in Indigenous communities. I do understand that she was likely using the terms most used in the community, this would have been a good opportunity to suggest new terminology or at least acknowledge the problem of the term.
November 27, 2018
A lot of the ideas in this book have been circulating in other forms. This book is the result of an interesting idea that the author thinks is completely unique. It also reads like it’s in a vacuum. All of that made me sad. I can see that this book would be very interesting and helpful to some. I just wish it had not felt the need to be so comprehensive since other people are doing this kind of work (and engaged with their ideas...) Seriously, the only authors she cites are people like Tristan Taormino, Dan Savage, Elizabeth Sheff and the Poly Weekly Podcast. That kind of positioning comes across as not just anti-intellectual but anti-community. As a community, we deserve better.
March 9, 2023
What I most enjoyed about this book was how it articulated the concept of the “relationship escalator”: an unspoken set of societal norms for how relationships are supposed to progress, hitting prescribed milestones and moving ever-forward. Various chapters examine each of these assumptions (“Do partners have to live together?” “Do relationships have to be temporally continuous?” “Are romantic relationships necessarily hierarchically more important than platonic ones?”) It’s tremendously thought-provoking! I’m not interested in polyamory, so the considerable amounts of real estate dedicated to the nuances of poly relationships made the book drag a bit for me, but I appreciate why the author felt the need to include them. Thanks Nicole for the recommendation!
March 27, 2021
George Lakoff's work on metaphor shows us the various ways we think of love and relationship; if you've ever thought to yourself, "Is this relationship going anywhere?" you were expressing a set of assumptions and expectations about relationships that for most of us go unexamined and unquestioned. The "relationship escalator" is presented by our culture as a default set of societal expectations for intimate relationships of following a progressive set of steps with specific milestones, moving toward a clear goal. This "escalator" model is THE standard by which society judges whether an intimate relationship is significant, serious, committed or simply "worthy of effort."
It's what every ROMCOM film and love story presents us:
1. Making contact (casual encounters, flirting)
2. Initiation (romantic courtship gestures)
3. Claiming & Defining (mutual declarations of love; presenting publicly as a "couple")
4. Establishment (settling into patterns for regularity of contact)
5. Commitment (explicit discussion and planning for long-term shared future as a couple)
6. Merging (moving in together, sharing household, engagement)
7. Conclusion (formal marriage or other recognized binding arrangement)
Once the escalator takes you to the top, you are expected to maintain that structure till one partner dies. Any pre-mature ending (divorce) is seen as the relationship having failed.
Stepping Off The Relationship Escalator is based upon a long-running research project that looks at "uncommon" approaches to love, life, and relationship. This includes various forms of ethical consensual nonmonogamy as well as long-distance relationships, the friend-lover spectrum, maintaining separate living spaces, asexual and aromantic intimate relationships, intentional celibacy, flexible relationships and the deeply liberating understanding of "Making Free, Conscious Relationship Choices" which may certainly include the choice of long-term, committed monogamous relationships!
Anyone interested in simply bringing more consciousness, more deliberation, freedom and choice into their relationship could benefit from reading this book. Even the Glossary and Resources are of great value.
Ultimately, her quote from one participant in her research succinctly summarizes the value of such "awareness, acceptance, and appreciation" of all kinds of diversity, "not only for individuals and their relationships, but for society and the world":
"...I think one of the core things that makes us suffer is the assumption that if someone does something different from what you're doing, then that means they're criticizing you....
I hope anyone who is learning about unconventional relationships, for any reason, understands that you don't have to judge anyone's relationship as right or wrong. You don't have to agree with what they're doing, and you don't have to change what you're doing.
Most people who have unconventional relationships are not claiming that traditional relationships lack value. I think they're just advocating choice."
It's what every ROMCOM film and love story presents us:
1. Making contact (casual encounters, flirting)
2. Initiation (romantic courtship gestures)
3. Claiming & Defining (mutual declarations of love; presenting publicly as a "couple")
4. Establishment (settling into patterns for regularity of contact)
5. Commitment (explicit discussion and planning for long-term shared future as a couple)
6. Merging (moving in together, sharing household, engagement)
7. Conclusion (formal marriage or other recognized binding arrangement)
Once the escalator takes you to the top, you are expected to maintain that structure till one partner dies. Any pre-mature ending (divorce) is seen as the relationship having failed.
Stepping Off The Relationship Escalator is based upon a long-running research project that looks at "uncommon" approaches to love, life, and relationship. This includes various forms of ethical consensual nonmonogamy as well as long-distance relationships, the friend-lover spectrum, maintaining separate living spaces, asexual and aromantic intimate relationships, intentional celibacy, flexible relationships and the deeply liberating understanding of "Making Free, Conscious Relationship Choices" which may certainly include the choice of long-term, committed monogamous relationships!
Anyone interested in simply bringing more consciousness, more deliberation, freedom and choice into their relationship could benefit from reading this book. Even the Glossary and Resources are of great value.
Ultimately, her quote from one participant in her research succinctly summarizes the value of such "awareness, acceptance, and appreciation" of all kinds of diversity, "not only for individuals and their relationships, but for society and the world":
"...I think one of the core things that makes us suffer is the assumption that if someone does something different from what you're doing, then that means they're criticizing you....
I hope anyone who is learning about unconventional relationships, for any reason, understands that you don't have to judge anyone's relationship as right or wrong. You don't have to agree with what they're doing, and you don't have to change what you're doing.
Most people who have unconventional relationships are not claiming that traditional relationships lack value. I think they're just advocating choice."
September 25, 2025
Both the case studies (part 1) and glossary / primer (part 2) were very informative
May 24, 2017
This book is incredible. The author really did due diligence in researching the myriad of different relationship styles, and defining them in accurate, fair, and flexible ways based on what is my best understanding of the various types that are out there at this time, although I'm sure there are more to learn about as people become more comfortable crafting and personalizing relationships that work for them.
It's one of the first places I've read a definition of relationship anarchy from (I think) outside the community that didn't upset me in some way.
I'm very glad that asexual, aromantic, celibate by choice, and various forms of committed and intimate relationships with or without sex and/or romance were all included. Very, very well done. It is a long read, but certainly worth it. Not a how-to manual, but definitely the type of book that someone entering into or interested in non-traditional relationships should read to get a really good idea of the variety of styles and choices available.
My one criticism of the book is that I don't think it was proofread or edited nearly as well as it needed to be. There were lots of typos and even errors in sentences that were crucial (like a few that I think missed the difference between "did" and "did not" by forgetting to put the word "not" in there and therefore changing the meaning of the entire sentence. The definition of a V in the back of the book actually incorrectly describes who is the hinge in the scenario given. These types of mistakes are not really excusable in a book that is otherwise about as high of quality as I can give praise to. It's distracting and way too common throughout the book. Fix the proofreading errors, and this book will shine even more than it already does.
It's one of the first places I've read a definition of relationship anarchy from (I think) outside the community that didn't upset me in some way.
I'm very glad that asexual, aromantic, celibate by choice, and various forms of committed and intimate relationships with or without sex and/or romance were all included. Very, very well done. It is a long read, but certainly worth it. Not a how-to manual, but definitely the type of book that someone entering into or interested in non-traditional relationships should read to get a really good idea of the variety of styles and choices available.
My one criticism of the book is that I don't think it was proofread or edited nearly as well as it needed to be. There were lots of typos and even errors in sentences that were crucial (like a few that I think missed the difference between "did" and "did not" by forgetting to put the word "not" in there and therefore changing the meaning of the entire sentence. The definition of a V in the back of the book actually incorrectly describes who is the hinge in the scenario given. These types of mistakes are not really excusable in a book that is otherwise about as high of quality as I can give praise to. It's distracting and way too common throughout the book. Fix the proofreading errors, and this book will shine even more than it already does.
September 23, 2019
As my partner and I transition out of functional monogamy, I needed to find alternatives to More Than Two: A Practical Guide to Ethical Polyamory, which I no longer consider a trustworthy source due to the (sadly unsurprising) history of harm caused by one of the co-authors.
Read my full review here: https://amyhuang.work/blog/2019/9/3/b...
Read my full review here: https://amyhuang.work/blog/2019/9/3/b...
August 11, 2025
Por fin me dio el tiempo de terminarlo pero ya me siento toda una experta en relaciones no convencionales haha.
Es algo denso y viene mucha información, testimonios reales de personas que han vivido este tipo de experiencias y mucha reflexión con preguntas variadas al final de cada parte.
Me abrió los ojos a muchos aspectos relacionados a las relaciones poly, no monogamas o monogamas no convencionales. De los distintos tipos de atracciones que existen, no solo el sexual o romanticos; o los distintos tipos de intimidad.
Una lectura muy completa si quieres demistificar estos conceptos que la sociedad ha tachado como un "problema".
Es algo denso y viene mucha información, testimonios reales de personas que han vivido este tipo de experiencias y mucha reflexión con preguntas variadas al final de cada parte.
Me abrió los ojos a muchos aspectos relacionados a las relaciones poly, no monogamas o monogamas no convencionales. De los distintos tipos de atracciones que existen, no solo el sexual o romanticos; o los distintos tipos de intimidad.
Una lectura muy completa si quieres demistificar estos conceptos que la sociedad ha tachado como un "problema".
March 28, 2021
This book provides excellent framework to consider unconventional approaches to love. While there are structural weaknesses (e.g. a clunky through-line narrative; limited supplemental research to bolster some points), the value of this work is in showcasing alternative perspectives and offering new vocabulary so the reader can articulate the relational choices that are right for them. Bonus: I feel better equipped to advocate for my specific wants and needs after reading this book.
July 12, 2024
What a great primer to alternative non-traditional relationships. I learned a lot and reading quotes from people who have nontraditional relationships opened my worldview and myself to the possibility of engaging in them.
Read
May 27, 2022Cool book to think about relationships more creatively!
June 3, 2019
Eh. I wish there was less discussion about polyamory but get that this is where the topic finds most exploration. I would like something that talks less about poly and more about exploration of relationships that don’t lead to marriage. I do like the greater concept and the author’s perspectives about cultural buy in to the escalator and navigating doing something different
August 11, 2024
I needed this book! Super informative and validating.
October 10, 2021
I enjoyed this book & it's questioning of relationship norms that are mostly unquestioningly accepted in favor of establishing a relationship that works for you.
February 4, 2023
I found this book thoroughly engaging and enlightening as the many off escalator options are described with real life examples showing the pros, cons, and weave throughs that may or may not be needed to navigate alternatives to the traditional escalator approach to relationships (all of them, not just romantic ones). Gahran covers all the options including being solo / single / whatever term you wish rather than in a partnered relationship, an option so often missed in such overarching works. I wasn't so keen on how the text was laid out, I would've preferred Gahran's explanation and background to be more condensed with the examples collected together within each chapter a bit more but I can also see why it was laid out the way it was. I also would've liked a bit more in the way of supporting research although I note that Gahran does mention in the introduction that this book is focused on the results of her own surveys and not intended to be a fully fledged research book. This really is a book to make you think and reflect regardless of whether you are on or off the escalator and how far along you may be in your relationships.
October 1, 2023
I finally got this book on interlibrary loan after like 2 months, and proceeded to consume it in 2 days(more a reflection of how boring my job is than how easy to consume the book is I think. It was probably a total of 6-8 hours of reading). I went in expecting a bit more discussion and "advice" or "direction". That is not what this book is. Most of this book is simply giving examples of what alternatives exist. That is not a negative. Despite being in nearly only polyamorous/nonmonogamous/open relationships throughout my life, there were still concepts I found incredibly interesting and would love to put into action in my current monogamous(ish) relationship. I found the discussion of Relationship Hierarchy especially interesting, as someone who has basically only heard perspectives blatantly against or generally expecting it. Definitely in my I Want To Buy This So I Can Make Notes List.
December 16, 2019
This is a solid book. And one which I would recommend to someone new to non-monogamy, or exploring the idea. Where More Than Two is a text book, this is a primer.
This book is a supremely easy read. The information is presented in clear language, logically laid out, and is easy to follow. It is interspersed with regular anecdotes from survey participants. I loved the feature of these anecdotes, they were perfect, even when they made me cringe, they were on-point and well selected.
My chief complaint is that the specific convention of marriage didn't get evaluated and examined in detail. I was really hoping for some insight and some help digging into this concept. And I think over-all the book gave me some perspective and some evaluative tools, but I was hoping for Amy's treatment on the topic to help inform my own evaluation.
I am looking forward to her next books.
This book is a supremely easy read. The information is presented in clear language, logically laid out, and is easy to follow. It is interspersed with regular anecdotes from survey participants. I loved the feature of these anecdotes, they were perfect, even when they made me cringe, they were on-point and well selected.
My chief complaint is that the specific convention of marriage didn't get evaluated and examined in detail. I was really hoping for some insight and some help digging into this concept. And I think over-all the book gave me some perspective and some evaluative tools, but I was hoping for Amy's treatment on the topic to help inform my own evaluation.
I am looking forward to her next books.
November 2, 2022
Based on the answers of thousands of interviewees, Amy provides a framework to understand unconventional relationships (romantic and non-romantic).
I personally enjoyed the flow of the book - from what a relationship escalator looks like and the assumptions we might make in so-called traditional relationships, to the array of possibilities we have when embarking in emotionally-intense relations (or deciding to not embark in them!). Appreciated a lot the final part of the book too, shifting the vision of breakups from "tragedies" to transitions.
All in all, I found the book well-rounded. Even though it was a bit heavy to read at times and I would have appreciated more explanations than a quote on different points, I would recommend this book (to anyone in general) to anyone interested in deconstructing relationships with beloved ones.
I personally enjoyed the flow of the book - from what a relationship escalator looks like and the assumptions we might make in so-called traditional relationships, to the array of possibilities we have when embarking in emotionally-intense relations (or deciding to not embark in them!). Appreciated a lot the final part of the book too, shifting the vision of breakups from "tragedies" to transitions.
All in all, I found the book well-rounded. Even though it was a bit heavy to read at times and I would have appreciated more explanations than a quote on different points, I would recommend this book (to anyone in general) to anyone interested in deconstructing relationships with beloved ones.
June 16, 2017
Even if you have no interest in having an unconventional relationship yourself, you owe it to yourself to read this book. You very likely have friends who are in unconventional relationships. But more importantly, you may find yourself starting a relationship with someone who is not interested in the relationship escalator. In this book, you will discover how such relationships work which may help you navigate such territory.
August 27, 2023
I thought this had so much info about unconventional relationships and how people build their lives separate from the super life-enmeshed monogamous traditional relationship style. I really appreciated how this went far beyond just discussing non monogamy and even described uncoupling, asexual and aromantic partnerships
December 10, 2023
This book really helped me and gave me the validation that I was seeking in the sense that I don't think I'm interested in getting on this relationship escalator. I like the format where there are a lot of personal testimonies and examples of non-conventional relationships. WOuld recommend it to anyone that is interested in the topic.
June 7, 2023
This book discusses nontraditional relationship styles. It opened up my eyes to so much nuance, and really gave me a lot of hope that my future relationships can fit my own needs, and don’t necessarily have to look like the one model that has been the norm in our society.
December 14, 2023
Hard to put down!
This book is incredibly engaging and one of the most relatable and insightful books I’ve read yet about relationships. I love how the authors includes so many stories from real people along the journey through this book!
This book is incredibly engaging and one of the most relatable and insightful books I’ve read yet about relationships. I love how the authors includes so many stories from real people along the journey through this book!
January 29, 2024
This book actually changed my life. I needed to see this perspective to finally recognise the source of restlessness I had been feeling for the last decade. Everyone should read it. Live life and have relationships with intent. Don't just let them happen to you.
October 6, 2022
This book opened my eyes and showed me a million ways how a relationship could look like.
March 3, 2024
Very affirming.
December 20, 2024
Stars: 4/5
Dear Amy,
I picked up your book with curiosity and left with my mind buzzing. Thank you for writing something that feels like both a love letter and a gentle wake-up call to anyone questioning traditional relationship norms. I’ll admit upfront, I’m someone who’s spent most of their life on the escalator, dutifully taking each step—dating, commitment, cohabitation, marriage. But your book made me pause and reconsider: Do I even like the escalator? Or am I just on it because everyone else is?
Your structure is so clear and accessible. I loved how you divided the book into chapters on autonomy, ambiguity, hierarchy, and other aspects of stepping off the escalator. It felt like a guided tour through options I didn’t know existed. I also appreciated your focus on real-life stories—hearing about people’s diverse relationship styles made the abstract concepts feel tangible and, honestly, liberating.
Let’s talk about the quotes and exercises. You pulled some gems. One that stuck with me was this: “Love doesn’t have to look a certain way to be valid or meaningful.” It’s deceptively simple but also revolutionary when you’ve been trained to think love = progress up the escalator. The exercise where you ask readers to map their emotional priorities floored me. I didn’t realize how much I prioritize stability over autonomy—or how often that leads me to ignore my own needs in favor of keeping the peace.
But, Amy, can we talk about Chapter 6 for a second? You dive into the idea of relationships with “no finish line” and discuss how open-ended partnerships can work without milestones like marriage or kids. I loved the concept, but one of your stories—about Casey and Alex, who’ve been friends and occasional lovers for 12 years without ever defining what they “are”—felt a little too polished. How do they navigate jealousy, or what happens when one of them wants something different? A follow-up or deeper exploration there would’ve made the example feel more grounded for me.
Also, while I understand your enthusiasm for stepping off the escalator, there were moments where the tone felt a little…dismissive? You describe escalator relationships as “automatic” and “thoughtless,” which might be true for some people, but for others, those steps are deliberate and deeply fulfilling. I would’ve loved to see more acknowledgment that stepping off is just one path, not necessarily a better one.
That said, you shine when it comes to unpacking ambiguity and autonomy. Your section on non-hierarchical relationships, especially the bit about valuing friendships as much as romantic relationships, hit me hard. As someone who often feels like friendships play second fiddle in the “escalator world,” this was a breath of fresh air.
Finally, the book’s conclusion left me feeling hopeful, even if I don’t know what my path forward looks like yet. Your advice to “choose consciously” resonated deeply, it’s not about stepping off the escalator for the sake of rebellion but about stepping into relationships that truly work for me.
Bottom line: This is an invaluable resource for anyone questioning traditional relationship norms, whether they’re ready to leap off the escalator or just curious about what other paths might look like. Amy, thank you for writing something so thoughtful and freeing, it’s given me a lot to think about, and even more to unlearn.
Sincerely,
A reader reconsidering the stairs.
Dear Amy,
I picked up your book with curiosity and left with my mind buzzing. Thank you for writing something that feels like both a love letter and a gentle wake-up call to anyone questioning traditional relationship norms. I’ll admit upfront, I’m someone who’s spent most of their life on the escalator, dutifully taking each step—dating, commitment, cohabitation, marriage. But your book made me pause and reconsider: Do I even like the escalator? Or am I just on it because everyone else is?
Your structure is so clear and accessible. I loved how you divided the book into chapters on autonomy, ambiguity, hierarchy, and other aspects of stepping off the escalator. It felt like a guided tour through options I didn’t know existed. I also appreciated your focus on real-life stories—hearing about people’s diverse relationship styles made the abstract concepts feel tangible and, honestly, liberating.
Let’s talk about the quotes and exercises. You pulled some gems. One that stuck with me was this: “Love doesn’t have to look a certain way to be valid or meaningful.” It’s deceptively simple but also revolutionary when you’ve been trained to think love = progress up the escalator. The exercise where you ask readers to map their emotional priorities floored me. I didn’t realize how much I prioritize stability over autonomy—or how often that leads me to ignore my own needs in favor of keeping the peace.
But, Amy, can we talk about Chapter 6 for a second? You dive into the idea of relationships with “no finish line” and discuss how open-ended partnerships can work without milestones like marriage or kids. I loved the concept, but one of your stories—about Casey and Alex, who’ve been friends and occasional lovers for 12 years without ever defining what they “are”—felt a little too polished. How do they navigate jealousy, or what happens when one of them wants something different? A follow-up or deeper exploration there would’ve made the example feel more grounded for me.
Also, while I understand your enthusiasm for stepping off the escalator, there were moments where the tone felt a little…dismissive? You describe escalator relationships as “automatic” and “thoughtless,” which might be true for some people, but for others, those steps are deliberate and deeply fulfilling. I would’ve loved to see more acknowledgment that stepping off is just one path, not necessarily a better one.
That said, you shine when it comes to unpacking ambiguity and autonomy. Your section on non-hierarchical relationships, especially the bit about valuing friendships as much as romantic relationships, hit me hard. As someone who often feels like friendships play second fiddle in the “escalator world,” this was a breath of fresh air.
Finally, the book’s conclusion left me feeling hopeful, even if I don’t know what my path forward looks like yet. Your advice to “choose consciously” resonated deeply, it’s not about stepping off the escalator for the sake of rebellion but about stepping into relationships that truly work for me.
Bottom line: This is an invaluable resource for anyone questioning traditional relationship norms, whether they’re ready to leap off the escalator or just curious about what other paths might look like. Amy, thank you for writing something so thoughtful and freeing, it’s given me a lot to think about, and even more to unlearn.
Sincerely,
A reader reconsidering the stairs.
October 18, 2025
I appreciate how neatly Gahran has organized this book, which draws on 1500 contributions to showcase the variety of ways that people can break the script of traditional relationships, from polyamory to spouses living apart to relationship anarchy. Gahran also draws attention to the large and small contours of the Relationship Escalator as a social construction, which we can see from the reactions to people who defy these expectations — not just in the obvious ways, like consensual non-monogamy or choosing not to marry one's long-term partner, but also those who tangibly prioritize their friendships equal with or above their romantic partner(s) and those whose intimate relationships may continually shift over time as to how much romance, sex, co-habiting, etc. they include. Hearing the stories of many, many people who approach relationships with this "build it to work for you" mentality was incredibly validating of the way I have approached my close connections in recent years.
This book is, I believe, self-published, and while the editing is much better than many self-published books I've read, it can still be a bit rough around the edges. There were spots that could have used another proofread (in one case a missing "not" made for a confusing sentence until I read it multiple times and realized the error) and sometimes the lead-in text for a participant quotation didn't actually match the content of the quotation. But these issues ultimately didn't take away from the incredible accomplishment Gahran achieved by so comprehensively summarizing the expectations of the Relationship Escalator and the wide variety of ways these expectations can be — and have been — defied. It's no wonder this book is frequently mentioned in non-monogamy circles.
I appreciate that Gahran takes no sides about any aspect of structuring one's relationships. At least for me, I walked away from this book with the clear message that any and all aspects of the Relationship Escalator can be great if they are consciously chosen by people who are aware of the other possible options. The message isn't that you should become aware of all the elements of the Relationship Escalator so you can avoid them at all costs; it's that you should take apart the components so that you can put them back together in a way that works best for you and your people, whether that ends up looking exactly like or nothing like the original Escalator. For that reason, I think this book is great reading for anybody, whether you adhere to a traditional relationship structure or not. It's a beautiful celebration of the diversity of the human experience.
This book is, I believe, self-published, and while the editing is much better than many self-published books I've read, it can still be a bit rough around the edges. There were spots that could have used another proofread (in one case a missing "not" made for a confusing sentence until I read it multiple times and realized the error) and sometimes the lead-in text for a participant quotation didn't actually match the content of the quotation. But these issues ultimately didn't take away from the incredible accomplishment Gahran achieved by so comprehensively summarizing the expectations of the Relationship Escalator and the wide variety of ways these expectations can be — and have been — defied. It's no wonder this book is frequently mentioned in non-monogamy circles.
I appreciate that Gahran takes no sides about any aspect of structuring one's relationships. At least for me, I walked away from this book with the clear message that any and all aspects of the Relationship Escalator can be great if they are consciously chosen by people who are aware of the other possible options. The message isn't that you should become aware of all the elements of the Relationship Escalator so you can avoid them at all costs; it's that you should take apart the components so that you can put them back together in a way that works best for you and your people, whether that ends up looking exactly like or nothing like the original Escalator. For that reason, I think this book is great reading for anybody, whether you adhere to a traditional relationship structure or not. It's a beautiful celebration of the diversity of the human experience.
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