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208 pages, Paperback
First published January 9, 2018
'It's either that I'm scared of everything at night,' I explained, 'or, underneath my daily habits, I am in a state of constant fear obscured by the action of the day, so that as I lie in bed and the rest of the world grows quiet, that general state of fear moves to the front of my mind at a similar rate, grafting onto one subject after another—what I might be hearing outside my window, why there is no moon visible through the glass when, by my calculations, there should be, what another boy in the facility might someday do to me, what might happen to all of us in the future, where this building will be in one thousand years, what was here one thousand years before, whether or not I will live as long as I might like to, if something will abruptly cut things short, or if living too long will bring its own unspeakable horrors—the list is endless, and because no item on the list represents on its own the actual, primary source of my fear, it can't be reasoned away, put down, thought out, or fully dealt with. I can only cycle through the endless possibilities, exhausting each item before moving on to the next.'