Holding the Net: Caring for My Mother on the Tightrope of Aging

by Melanie P. Merriman

In this poignant and timely memoir, Melanie Merriman shares her struggle to care for her fiercely independent aging mother. When her father dies, Melanie commits herself to making the rest of her mother's life the best it can be. She brings knowledge to the situation--as a hospice consultant, she has studied aging, illness, and the intricacies of the healthcare system--and she has a sister who is willing to help. But even with these advantages, Melanie finds the real-life experience of caring for her mother humbling. Every decision becomes a tug of war, with Mom on one side, fighting for her independence, and the two sisters on the other, trying to keep her safe. A win for either side suddenly feels like a loss for all.

Written for people who have cared for a parent, are currently facing that challenge, or are aging parents themselves, Holding the Net offers practical details about the effects of aging on the body and mind, living arrangements for older people, health care decisions, and surviving rehab. It also challenges the notion that anyone can be an expert when it comes to caring for an aging parent, and encourages us to simply do our best. Melanie hits all the right notes, and her story will have readers nodding their heads and shedding healing tears.

Genres: Nonfiction, Memoir

240 pages, Paperback

Published November 1, 2017

About the author

Melanie P. Merriman, PhD is the author of Holding the Net: Caring for my Mother on the Tightrope of Aging, American Book Fest's 2017 Best Book Award winner for Autobiography/Memoir. Melanie is a research scientist turned hospice quality consultant turned non-profit foundation grant evaluator who finally gave in to her lifelong desire to write. Her choice of careers and projects stems from a passion to illuminate, understand, and find meaning. She is also the co-author of Merriman’s Hawaii: The Chef, The Farmers, The Food, The Islands, a cookbook with stories about Chef Peter Merriman. Melanie and her husband, Klein, split their time between South Florida and Cape Cod, MA. More information at https://melaniemerriman.com.

Reviews

[David McClendon, Sr · Rating 5 out of 5]

By now we have read all sorts of books about aging in place, end of life care, and so forth. Holding the Net: Caring for My Mother on the Tightrope of Aging by Melanie P. Merriman actually provides a backspin on all of those.

I, David, have been in two nursing homes since 2012. Suzanne and I realize that no matter how hard these people try, a nursing home is as close to prison as most of us will ever get. One day I said to our friend Jerry that I had been in a nursing home, had never been to prison, but imagined that the nursing home was as close to prison as most of us will ever get. Jerry said he had been in both and the nursing home is worse.

This book is an enthralling story of one family's struggle with their mother’s end of life and how they dealt with it. But there is a backspin. The backspin is that the author had been a hospice professional for years and knew most of the ins and outs of how the system works, or doesn’t.

This family wasn’t hurting financially, but still had to deal with at least some of the heartache many families have to deal with when putting their loved ones in rehab. Merriman was able to see first-hand how Medicaid patients are treated far differently than others, even though the nursing facility does its best to provide top quality services for all.

We feel that all rooms in all medical facilities should be private, not semi-private. How good are our privacy walls when we share a room with another person and their visitors?

This is a book you will want to read without stopping. You won’t want to put it down. The author shows us how scared her mother is in all of this. The author was scared and lost; her sister was, too. How could they help their mother?

We give Holding the Net all five stars. It is very well-written and very informative. It is written in a very readable style. If you or someone you love will be facing end of life issues any time soon, you will want to read this book.


We were sent a complimentary copy of this book. We are under no obligation to write any review, positive or negative.

We are disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission's 16 CFR, Part 255.

[Gretchen Staebler · Rating 5 out of 5]

As a caregiver survivor and ally, I have read many memoirs by family caregivers. This is one of the best. The details of the author's mother's path to the end was different from my mother's, as was my relationship with my mother different; but the advocacy, the sadness, the difficult decisions, the gradual decline was familiar. Memoirs are not "how-to" books. I find how-to books to be less than helpful, because there are myriad experiences, and little that "works" in a book seems to apply when it's your own loved one. But reading about the experience of others makes the reader feel less alone; and there are always new ways to view your own challenges and new things to consider in decision making. Reading them as a caregiver survivor helps lessen the regrets we all have. Thank you, Melanie, for sharing your story. It hits all the marks.

[Lynn · Rating 3 out of 5]

In many ways this is a good book and would be helpful to those facing the care of their elderly loved ones. Having been the caregiver three different times for people I loved, I kept getting annoyed with how ignorant the author seemed in spite of being a "professional expert on hospice." It made me very glad that she was not employed by the home hospices I had for support during the deaths of my loved ones.

[Jodi Sh. · Rating 5 out of 5]

Wish I'd read this before things started to change with Mom. So many of the conversations in her story echo those we've had. A great read for anyone with an aging parent.

[Nancy Bandusky · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is the story of two daughters handling the aging of their mother. While it is insightful, it is also deeply moving as the daughters navigate the road to best care for their mom. The author recounts the different choices that had to be made which will benefit the reader if it becomes their turn to go down this road. She also gives a heads-up to the difficulties she faced in dealing with "agendas" of doctors and others involved in the medical care field. This read will be a benefit to any "child" of an aging parent or other loved one.

[Cassandra · Rating 5 out of 5]

I received a complimentary copy.

If you have ever had to be a caregiver for an elderly person this book will become a strongly connected part of that or even share a new aspect that you may not have even delved into yet. The author brings her realness and mixes it with a book that will keep you interested as well as informed.

[Lori · Rating 5 out of 5]

Lovely and straightforward memoir by a daughter, and sister, caring for her aging mother. Helpful to me in realizing that my mother's path is not unique, nor is mine.

[Aimee · Rating 4 out of 5]

A compassionate account of a caring woman and her sister as they navigate taking care of their aging mother. This book may help readers who anticipate caring for a loved one. Resources included.

[Bruce · Rating 5 out of 5]

Part memoir, part how-to, a brave and clear-headed look at dealing with an aging parent. We should all be so lucky to have Melanie and Barbara as daughters.

[Kristen Honeycutt · Rating 4 out of 5]

Good memoir about taking care of an aging parent.