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Sex in C Major
Stefan has ... fantasies.
He knows chasing those fantasies is only going to end in disaster, but he can't seem to stop his self-destructive spiral. He’s a transgender man struggling to come to terms with the intersection of his identity and his sexual fantasies as a submissive. He needs someone to take control before he loses it completely.
Daz can take control. He can teach Stefan everything there is to know about sex and submission, but for some reason, he can't get inside Stefan's head. Daz can stop Stefan’s self-destruction but not the fear that fuels it.
Stefan needs to know who he is before he can accept what he is. And it's Yannis -- Daz's aromantic, asexual, stern, and sarcastic partner -- who has the answer.
He knows chasing those fantasies is only going to end in disaster, but he can't seem to stop his self-destructive spiral. He’s a transgender man struggling to come to terms with the intersection of his identity and his sexual fantasies as a submissive. He needs someone to take control before he loses it completely.
Daz can take control. He can teach Stefan everything there is to know about sex and submission, but for some reason, he can't get inside Stefan's head. Daz can stop Stefan’s self-destruction but not the fear that fuels it.
Stefan needs to know who he is before he can accept what he is. And it's Yannis -- Daz's aromantic, asexual, stern, and sarcastic partner -- who has the answer.
426 pages, Kindle Edition
First published May 27, 2017
11 people are currently reading
657 people want to read
About the author
Matthew J. Metzger
34 books350 followersMatthew is an asexual, transgender author from the wet and windy British Isles.
Matt writes LGBT novels, both adult and young adult, and particularly enjoys digging into the weird and wonderful diversity of people all across the sexuality and gender spectrums. When not writing, Matt is usually asleep, or crunching numbers at his day job. Free time is not really a concept here.
He is also owned by an enormous black cat. Approach with caution.
Matt writes LGBT novels, both adult and young adult, and particularly enjoys digging into the weird and wonderful diversity of people all across the sexuality and gender spectrums. When not writing, Matt is usually asleep, or crunching numbers at his day job. Free time is not really a concept here.
He is also owned by an enormous black cat. Approach with caution.
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March 11, 2018I'm not going to rate this mostly because I don't know how to as it defies the rating scale. It's not particularly "likable" nor is it a romance in the traditional sense. Were there a disturbing rating scale this would blow the lid off that, because Sex in C Major is truly disturbing on multiple levels. I'm guessing that lingering feeling of unease was the objective, though.
Stefan narrates this story and gives us an inside look at his struggles with gender dysphoria, depression and coming to terms with his desires. Shunned by his family when he came out as trans, he's now living off the government in a shithole apartment, has no friends, no job and spends a lot of time drunk or high futilely searching the interwebs for someone to fulfill his fantasies.
One drunken night he comes across Daz, word vomits his darkest secrets, one thing leads to another and he winds up Daz's slave. The BDSM content is extreme (humiliation, breath play, force play, bondage, sensory deprivation, biting, face fucking, chastity, orgasm denial, sharing and some blood play) and for the most part I had no issues with it. Sure, some scenes squicked me but it was mostly in regards to hygiene. That alley scene... *shudders* GAWDDAMN! Suffice to say, most of the kink fell outside of what appeals to me. However this was my most successful experience with objectification which is saying a lot because that is a hard limit for me.
In many ways Daz is his savior and their power exchange brings with it dependency which was difficult for me for two reasons: (a) there's no romantic connection between them, and (b) there's an uncomfortable level of BDSM being used as a cure for mental illness.
Sex in C Major is heavy on the sex, especially in the beginning. The sex is typically painful, leaving Stefan bleeding usually and always bareback. I don't have a problem with barebacking but when you're sharing your toy I would've thought a conversation to be a prudent idea. Make no mistake, Stefan delights in all of this. Until it's over. This is where things started to get sticky for me.
As I said, the kink wasn't problematic so much as the person engaging in the kink. Stefan's relationship to kink is toxic. His relationship with himself is toxic. His relationship with his own body is toxic. He's got impulse control issues, engages in self-harm and oftentimes feels suicidal, thereby making it impossible to have a "healthy" relationship with a master/dom. As troubling as I found this there is an authenticity and genuineness that Metzger brings to Stefan that makes him credible and sympathetic. Even though I didn't particularly like reading this book that doesn't negate the phenomenal job Metzger did showing the underbelly of a character who is in the muck, lost and on the razor's edge of winding up six feet under. However, there was something I found hard to swallow and borderline offensive and that was his fixation on "men" not being submissive, not wanting to be used, etc. For argument's sake let's say I believe that he only watches straight porn. If you're inclinations are kinky chances are you're going to watch kinky porn, right? Kinky straight porn is still going to net you domme/slave/sub porn which is rife with humiliation and pain, so this plot device rang as dramatic and contrived.
Regardless, Stefan's relationship to sex and kink made him very one note. If he's not engaged in some sex act or thinking about sex or masturbating then he's hating himself for his "sick" desires which made him... dull. Once he hits rock bottom and spirals into prostitution he mostly makes peace with the fact that he needs to be owned/used and then he becomes the vapid pet sitting naked on the rug. In a nutshell, he's not a well rounded person and he depressed the fuck out of me. So there's that. What's more, he never really endeavors to get to know Daz or Yan, so I never really get to know them on more than a superficial level. I think I like Yan and I was dogged by sympathetic feelings towards Daz, because he seems to have oodles of love to give and no one to take it, but I could be wrong. Who knows? They do seemingly forge a bond over the course of the story so... *shrugs*
Lastly, I think an editor or a mouthy beta could've done wonders to balance this story out. I found it overlong with some points beaten into the ground while others I'm still wondering how they were resolved like the pregnancy and sharing things. I've no idea whether or not this is indicative of Metzger's style or if it was engineering as part of Stefan's characterization, but at a certain point the repeating thing became less of a dramatic emphasis on certain points and more a bromide.
But I did like the creative uses of music.
I've no idea who to recommend this to but if any of the above appeals I can assure you that Sex in C Major is not a book easily forgotten.
A review copy was provided.
Stefan narrates this story and gives us an inside look at his struggles with gender dysphoria, depression and coming to terms with his desires. Shunned by his family when he came out as trans, he's now living off the government in a shithole apartment, has no friends, no job and spends a lot of time drunk or high futilely searching the interwebs for someone to fulfill his fantasies.
One drunken night he comes across Daz, word vomits his darkest secrets, one thing leads to another and he winds up Daz's slave. The BDSM content is extreme (humiliation, breath play, force play, bondage, sensory deprivation, biting, face fucking, chastity, orgasm denial, sharing and some blood play) and for the most part I had no issues with it. Sure, some scenes squicked me but it was mostly in regards to hygiene. That alley scene... *shudders* GAWDDAMN! Suffice to say, most of the kink fell outside of what appeals to me. However this was my most successful experience with objectification which is saying a lot because that is a hard limit for me.
In many ways Daz is his savior and their power exchange brings with it dependency which was difficult for me for two reasons: (a) there's no romantic connection between them, and (b) there's an uncomfortable level of BDSM being used as a cure for mental illness.
Sex in C Major is heavy on the sex, especially in the beginning. The sex is typically painful, leaving Stefan bleeding usually and always bareback. I don't have a problem with barebacking but when you're sharing your toy I would've thought a conversation to be a prudent idea. Make no mistake, Stefan delights in all of this. Until it's over. This is where things started to get sticky for me.
As I said, the kink wasn't problematic so much as the person engaging in the kink. Stefan's relationship to kink is toxic. His relationship with himself is toxic. His relationship with his own body is toxic. He's got impulse control issues, engages in self-harm and oftentimes feels suicidal, thereby making it impossible to have a "healthy" relationship with a master/dom. As troubling as I found this there is an authenticity and genuineness that Metzger brings to Stefan that makes him credible and sympathetic. Even though I didn't particularly like reading this book that doesn't negate the phenomenal job Metzger did showing the underbelly of a character who is in the muck, lost and on the razor's edge of winding up six feet under. However, there was something I found hard to swallow and borderline offensive and that was his fixation on "men" not being submissive, not wanting to be used, etc. For argument's sake let's say I believe that he only watches straight porn. If you're inclinations are kinky chances are you're going to watch kinky porn, right? Kinky straight porn is still going to net you domme/slave/sub porn which is rife with humiliation and pain, so this plot device rang as dramatic and contrived.
Regardless, Stefan's relationship to sex and kink made him very one note. If he's not engaged in some sex act or thinking about sex or masturbating then he's hating himself for his "sick" desires which made him... dull. Once he hits rock bottom and spirals into prostitution he mostly makes peace with the fact that he needs to be owned/used and then he becomes the vapid pet sitting naked on the rug. In a nutshell, he's not a well rounded person and he depressed the fuck out of me. So there's that. What's more, he never really endeavors to get to know Daz or Yan, so I never really get to know them on more than a superficial level. I think I like Yan and I was dogged by sympathetic feelings towards Daz, because he seems to have oodles of love to give and no one to take it, but I could be wrong. Who knows? They do seemingly forge a bond over the course of the story so... *shrugs*
Lastly, I think an editor or a mouthy beta could've done wonders to balance this story out. I found it overlong with some points beaten into the ground while others I'm still wondering how they were resolved like the pregnancy and sharing things. I've no idea whether or not this is indicative of Metzger's style or if it was engineering as part of Stefan's characterization, but at a certain point the repeating thing became less of a dramatic emphasis on certain points and more a bromide.
But I did like the creative uses of music.
I've no idea who to recommend this to but if any of the above appeals I can assure you that Sex in C Major is not a book easily forgotten.
A review copy was provided.
June 8, 2017
4 Stars.
BDSM,Master/Slave,Serious Kink,Humiliation.....
This book seriously tested my limits but I found it really addictive.
Full review soon.
BDSM,Master/Slave,Serious Kink,Humiliation.....
This book seriously tested my limits but I found it really addictive.
Full review soon.
June 26, 2017
This was a challenge and an eye-opener. **trigger warnings for dub-con, suicidal ideation, Master-slave relationship, menage, open relationships, etc*** The BDSM is central and intense, the pain and the growth, the intensity of the challenges and risks Stefan faces - as a trans guy whose fantasies include pain and non-con sex - kept me glued to the page. Part of the tension for me as a reader here was knowing how horrifically wrong things could have gone for Stefan, had he met anyone other than Daz. Knowing all the parts of the broken mess that is Stefan that could have been eased, by having family and medical care that gave him what he needed, instead of rejection and years of denial. And knowing that there are trans guys and trans women out there whose lives walk this kind of high-risk wire.
Stefan lost all of his family and friends when he came out. He buys his hormones illegally, with almost all the money he has, and has to hope that the stuff he is shooting up is really what it claims. He craves being dominated, being used, non-con fantasies and ownership, and even then, he's aromantic so he doesn't want mushy love in the mix. His needs are hard, and dark, and as someone whose physical transition is in the early stages, he can't find men who will treat him as he craves and yet accept him as a gay man. And then, there's the fact that he gets physical pleasure from his female anatomy, even as he hates having it and hates attention paid to it. Working through the betrayal of his body and his brain pushes him to the brink.
Drunk, in a bar, he blurts a mix of this out to a tough-looking man, courting actual rape and more, in desperation to silence the needs that are driving him crazy. By the grace of fate, it's Daz whom he finds. Daz, who likes to dominate, who knows about trans guys, and who holds to the sane and consensual end of BDSM, despite walking the sharp edge in his practices. Daz takes a drunk Stefan home, partly to keep him safe. And although Daz turns out to have a boyfriend at home, that guy is asexual and he's okay with Daz meeting other needs elsewhere. And so develops a lopsided triangle of a relationship, with sex and pain and dominance and need imperfectly balanced among them.
There's a lot of graphic BDSM sex here, as Daz uses Stefan's body in harsh ways that let them discover what Stef needs, and wants, and can handle, and cannot. Yannis, Daz's asexual, aromantic partner, has an interest in experimentation and in music that connects with Stefan's one true love, his cello, but mainly through sex and pain as well. There are so many dark and difficult parts to Stef's quest to become the man he knows he should be, and most of them are navigated in the arena of BDSM. This is not a book where that is tempered by sweetness. But because it is so well written, I felt compelled along, accepting much that is way outside my personal comfort zone as necessary to Stefan.
Read this book for a deep, heartbreaking, fascinating, and ultimately successful look at a trans guy with an intense need for pain and domination, and almost no resources. Meet the men who meet those needs, in the process balancing ones of their own. Not a classic romance, but a fitting of three jagged edges together in a shape that is smoother and more functional than any of these guys alone. I felt a lot, and learned a lot, as I shared Stefan's journey.
Stefan lost all of his family and friends when he came out. He buys his hormones illegally, with almost all the money he has, and has to hope that the stuff he is shooting up is really what it claims. He craves being dominated, being used, non-con fantasies and ownership, and even then, he's aromantic so he doesn't want mushy love in the mix. His needs are hard, and dark, and as someone whose physical transition is in the early stages, he can't find men who will treat him as he craves and yet accept him as a gay man. And then, there's the fact that he gets physical pleasure from his female anatomy, even as he hates having it and hates attention paid to it. Working through the betrayal of his body and his brain pushes him to the brink.
Drunk, in a bar, he blurts a mix of this out to a tough-looking man, courting actual rape and more, in desperation to silence the needs that are driving him crazy. By the grace of fate, it's Daz whom he finds. Daz, who likes to dominate, who knows about trans guys, and who holds to the sane and consensual end of BDSM, despite walking the sharp edge in his practices. Daz takes a drunk Stefan home, partly to keep him safe. And although Daz turns out to have a boyfriend at home, that guy is asexual and he's okay with Daz meeting other needs elsewhere. And so develops a lopsided triangle of a relationship, with sex and pain and dominance and need imperfectly balanced among them.
There's a lot of graphic BDSM sex here, as Daz uses Stefan's body in harsh ways that let them discover what Stef needs, and wants, and can handle, and cannot. Yannis, Daz's asexual, aromantic partner, has an interest in experimentation and in music that connects with Stefan's one true love, his cello, but mainly through sex and pain as well. There are so many dark and difficult parts to Stef's quest to become the man he knows he should be, and most of them are navigated in the arena of BDSM. This is not a book where that is tempered by sweetness. But because it is so well written, I felt compelled along, accepting much that is way outside my personal comfort zone as necessary to Stefan.
Read this book for a deep, heartbreaking, fascinating, and ultimately successful look at a trans guy with an intense need for pain and domination, and almost no resources. Meet the men who meet those needs, in the process balancing ones of their own. Not a classic romance, but a fitting of three jagged edges together in a shape that is smoother and more functional than any of these guys alone. I felt a lot, and learned a lot, as I shared Stefan's journey.
March 16, 2019
Sex in C Major came close to the edge of even my comfort level, so thank you Matthew J. Metzger, for taking me on this journey and letting me live a small piece of Stefan’s life with him.
I blew through a range of emotions from shivers to shock, from hope to horror, and all the stuff in between. It’s been a long time since I’ve literally cringed and some of the cringe worthy stuff that Stefan puts himself through is close to overwhelming.
Stefan’s journey, battling so much self hatred and utter confusion, stems from his need to understand himself. Growing up feeling betrayed by his body and thrown out of his home by his verbally abusive mother, he’s now living in near poverty as he begins his transition process on his own.
He is overwhelmed by his sexual fantasies which confuse and frustrate him, and is enraged by his body’s response to stimulation of his female organs.
Stefan is having an impossible time figuring out how to get what he needs, and to feel okay about having it.
Stefan meets up with Daz who is willing to give him the relationship he craves. Daz provides the total power exchange Stefan has to have, but insists on limits to keep him safe. Daz can satisfy Stefan’s desire to be reduced to an object, a “sex-toy”, and give up complete control to his master; but that is only part of what Stefan needs. He’s having trouble both with coming to grips accepting his desires are okay, and navigating his tumultuous journey through his transition.
This is where the really interesting parts of the relationships in this story come into play.
Daz’s long time partner and live in boyfriend, Yannis, has led a very complicated life. Identifying as asexual, Yannis’ views on romance, sex, and love are incredibly interesting and explain the bond between Daz and Yannis in such a beautiful way. Yannis has affection and love to give to Daz alone, and Daz welcomes and requires it… from Yannis. When Daz reaches out to Stefan for affection he is brushed away, Stefan making it clear he is only able to relate to Daz in a sexual way.
There’s an interesting dichotomy in Daz’s character. He clearly derives great pleasure in providing support for his loved ones, whether that support is emotional or physical he willingly puts his own needs second. I found it bittersweet, the times when he did reach out to Stefan and was rebuked, Daz handled it well but it clearly hurt him. I felt like I got to know Yannis quite well through Stefan’s eyes, but I was left wanting to know a little bit more about Daz.
This is the first book by Matthew J. Metzger I’ve read, his descriptions of the rough sex, the self abuse, and the intricacies of the relationships completely enveloped me!
I was so invested in Stefan and could completely understand how he was feeling, to the point it just hurt my heart. I’ll definitely be looking to read more by Metzger.
Sex in C Major is one story that’s going to stay with me for a long time.
I blew through a range of emotions from shivers to shock, from hope to horror, and all the stuff in between. It’s been a long time since I’ve literally cringed and some of the cringe worthy stuff that Stefan puts himself through is close to overwhelming.
Stefan’s journey, battling so much self hatred and utter confusion, stems from his need to understand himself. Growing up feeling betrayed by his body and thrown out of his home by his verbally abusive mother, he’s now living in near poverty as he begins his transition process on his own.
He is overwhelmed by his sexual fantasies which confuse and frustrate him, and is enraged by his body’s response to stimulation of his female organs.
Stefan is having an impossible time figuring out how to get what he needs, and to feel okay about having it.
Stefan meets up with Daz who is willing to give him the relationship he craves. Daz provides the total power exchange Stefan has to have, but insists on limits to keep him safe. Daz can satisfy Stefan’s desire to be reduced to an object, a “sex-toy”, and give up complete control to his master; but that is only part of what Stefan needs. He’s having trouble both with coming to grips accepting his desires are okay, and navigating his tumultuous journey through his transition.
This is where the really interesting parts of the relationships in this story come into play.
Daz’s long time partner and live in boyfriend, Yannis, has led a very complicated life. Identifying as asexual, Yannis’ views on romance, sex, and love are incredibly interesting and explain the bond between Daz and Yannis in such a beautiful way. Yannis has affection and love to give to Daz alone, and Daz welcomes and requires it… from Yannis. When Daz reaches out to Stefan for affection he is brushed away, Stefan making it clear he is only able to relate to Daz in a sexual way.
There’s an interesting dichotomy in Daz’s character. He clearly derives great pleasure in providing support for his loved ones, whether that support is emotional or physical he willingly puts his own needs second. I found it bittersweet, the times when he did reach out to Stefan and was rebuked, Daz handled it well but it clearly hurt him. I felt like I got to know Yannis quite well through Stefan’s eyes, but I was left wanting to know a little bit more about Daz.
This is the first book by Matthew J. Metzger I’ve read, his descriptions of the rough sex, the self abuse, and the intricacies of the relationships completely enveloped me!
I was so invested in Stefan and could completely understand how he was feeling, to the point it just hurt my heart. I’ll definitely be looking to read more by Metzger.
Sex in C Major is one story that’s going to stay with me for a long time.
March 13, 2018
This was a very dark read. Truly disturbing on so many levels but also kind of addictive. It’s even hard to classify this novel as a romance.
Very interesting in terms of gender dysphoria, sex transition, polyamory, asexual and aromantic orientation.
The book is heavy on the sex and with very extreme BDSM content; painful and non-con sex, humiliation, breath play, biting ( to the blood ), bareback sharing, force play and humiliation. This seriously tested my limits but I found it eye-opening since this is all Stefan’s desires, and this is his journey to coming to terms with his own sexual needs.
What really affected my opinion about this book ( only two stars for a quite complex read ) is using BDSM as therapy for mental illness and alcohol addiction. And a supposedly experienced dom playing extreme BDSM scenes with an unsettled rookie with only a safeword and after 5-minute talk about limits. Basically without an aftercare, without mentioning about safety, state of health, permission for barebacking, needs and wants.
Also Daz’s sexual stamina was few times questionable, more appropriate for paranormal, sci-fi ;)
I’m actually sorry for only two star and I’ll read another book by this author, but this is my honest rating :(
Very interesting in terms of gender dysphoria, sex transition, polyamory, asexual and aromantic orientation.
The book is heavy on the sex and with very extreme BDSM content; painful and non-con sex, humiliation, breath play, biting ( to the blood ), bareback sharing, force play and humiliation. This seriously tested my limits but I found it eye-opening since this is all Stefan’s desires, and this is his journey to coming to terms with his own sexual needs.
What really affected my opinion about this book ( only two stars for a quite complex read ) is using BDSM as therapy for mental illness and alcohol addiction. And a supposedly experienced dom playing extreme BDSM scenes with an unsettled rookie with only a safeword and after 5-minute talk about limits. Basically without an aftercare, without mentioning about safety, state of health, permission for barebacking, needs and wants.
Also Daz’s sexual stamina was few times questionable, more appropriate for paranormal, sci-fi ;)
I’m actually sorry for only two star and I’ll read another book by this author, but this is my honest rating :(
May 31, 2017
4.5 star review by The Blogger Girls.
Every once in a while I like to push some boundaries and read and hopefully learn more about something I would not typically find on my shelf. This pushed a few of mine, but the warnings are all there so you basically know what to expect.
Stefan is a young guy who was on his own after having been kicked out by his mother and grandparents. He has quite a few issues he’s dealing with that are all intermingled with one another. He has (I believe) a pretty bad case of body disphoria and wants to transition but does not have the means. Believing his other issues of wanting rough and painful sex, wanting to be owned and nothing more, would prevent any doctors from actually prescribing the meds he needs to accomplish this, he spends what little money he gets buying the hormones over the internet. He was in a sort of loop here because the hormones made his sex drive go through the roof, but having feelings and wanting sex with his female parts screwed with his mindset of being a man, which made him hate his body even more.
Luckily for Stefan, he meets Daz one night out at a bar. Daz was amazing – seeming to accept Stephan in whatever form he presented and not shying away from giving Stefan what he wanted or needed. It does take a bit for them to square things away in that regard, but suffice to say, he seemed to have Stefan’s best interests at heart. One obstacle was that Daz had a partner, Yannis.
I loved Daz and Yannis. They were best friends and simply got each other. Since Yannis was asexual and simply didn’t want to be touched, cuddled or otherwise, let alone have the kind of sex Daz enjoyed, Daz was free to find that elsewhere. Yannis was an extremely complex character. There are a lot of layers to him and how he participated in his own relationship with Daz and with Stefan. He was always clear that Stefan was Daz’ plaything and responsibility and was happy to leave it that way.
Much of this story is Stefan and his inner turmoil. It is difficult to imagine someone living with everything involved in being trans without the added issues Stefan had. Stefan was on the road to self destruction and still traveled there a time or two after his “relationship” with Daz began. Even though Daz was able to help Stefan find various ways to cope with things, it wasn’t too much of a stretch to see where Stefan would have ended up had he been left on his own.
This was an extremely well-written story that was chock full of emotions, even if they weren’t always typical. It wasn’t exactly a romance, but there are pretty heavily detailed reasons for that. I did struggle with the mechanics of things here and there, but Google was my friend and helped paint somewhat of a picture to help me understand what I was reading. My eyes were definitely opened a time or two, and while this is a long story, I was turning pages to see how things would turn out. If you like to push your boundaries a little and can set aside any preconceived notions about how you think things should be and can just open your mind to someone else’s story, I think you will enjoy reading about Stefan’s journey. I know I did. 🙂
Want to read
July 7, 2017NEEEEEEEEEEED
July 1, 2017
DNF @ 12%. Stefan needed to find some safe kink friendly therapy/counseling - group and/or individual - and get his mental shit straight first before finding a play partner or starting a relationship. He was in the middle of hormone replacement therapy experiencing tremendous mood swings including strong sexual urges. He was not working. He was spending his government assistance on shots, marijuana, and alcohol instead of rent. He was majorly depressed. He was too self focused and needy in the wrong way. He was too raw emotionally. I didn't trust his thinking, emotions, and reactions so there was no way I could buy into the story.
Read
May 14, 2017No rating. DNF @ 98%
This book seriously needs to have a warning on it. I can handle dark, but I just didn't expect this.
This book seriously needs to have a warning on it. I can handle dark, but I just didn't expect this.
June 5, 2017
So...
Feelings about this book. I've got 'em. In. Spades.
Can I express them by typing words into this box?
No clue, but buckle up, because I have a feeling it's about to get ranty as fuck up in here.
It's a kink book - extreme kink. Blood and pain and slavery and pissing oneself, and I know a lot of people have feelings about that.
It's a bit of that kink-as-therapy book. The whole 'you're fucked in the head, so you clearly need a keeper to make decisions for you for a while, because you can't be trusted to make your own and then oh, look, you're all fixed and feel better now'. Good thing your sadist is practically a therapist. Lots of people have feelings about that, too.
But my strongest feelings?
How fucking lucky is everyone that lives in the fucking UK?
I'm reading this book about a boy who was tossed out of his parent's house at 19 for being a boy who has no job and there he is living in a fucking apartment.
An. Apartment.
We're assured that it's a shitty apartment that no one would want. Dirty. Dirty mattress. Teeny tiny. Shitty neighbors...
But here's the thing. It's a fucking apartment. With a bathroom and a lock on the door and privacy... Know what teenagers who are chucked out of their homes for being queer have in the US? A backpack? Maybe? Socks if they're lucky. Hopefully access to some fucking bootstraps, because that's all you got, baby, so you'd better hold on tight and pull real hard while you're sleeping under that fucking bridge because that's your only way out.
And there's a lot of talk about the waiting lists within the NHS gender clinic system and examples of being misgendered throughout the process in this book, but I'm over here fucking losing my shit at the idea that a fucking penniless runaway might one day get a fucking phalloplasty just by being put on a fucking list and talking to people for a few years???? What?????? I can't even.
Is that really the way it is????
The back of the book says that the author is transgender and from the UK, so I feel like this might be an actual representation of How It Is over there, but.... I mean.... the idea that someone just gets to have that because it's what they want or need? It doesn't even fucking compute. To get a phalloplasty in the states costs more than my fucking mortgage. It costs four times as much as my fucking master's degree and that was 'in debt for most of your life' levels of expensive. It's so far out of the realm of possibility for most people that it's not even a consideration. Fuck. Gender therapy isn't within the realm of possibility for most people. Hormone treatment isn't either. None of it is a possibility for a lot of people here. Let alone a fucking teenager on their own.
I'm standing at the edge of this book, and I want to throw a fucking tantrum. I want to scream and pitch my Kindle across the fucking room at the utter fucking unfairness of it.
When you grow up in the states, you believe that this is the greatest country on earth. You do. Like they actually just straight up teach you that in school. Call it propaganda. Call it indoctrination. Fuck. Call it Stockholm Syndrome. But you believe it. I believed it. And when bad things happen, you think 'yeah, it's not perfect, but it's so much worse elsewhere'. And when you worry about shit, you think 'everywhere's got its own problems, and here is probably better than most'.
Sometimes, it really hits you. Like, this is not how it should be. What's happening here is wrong. But... I still have so much, how could I possibly complain? I'm so fortunate. So lucky to live in one of the richest nations in the world.
And then this fucking book crosses my path and it's got this fucking dark, depressing depiction of just how hard it can be for young people in the UK to get what they need.
AND IT SEEMS LIKE FUCKING PARADISE.
So, yeah. Imma give it five stars, because I've got a 'if it made me cry it gets 5-stars' loophole. Because this book did make me cry. Because of crushing sorrow for every single person in the US who has ever questioned their gender and for every teenager that I fucking see with tattered clothes huddled under underpasses with nothing but a fucking backpack to their name. Impotent rage at this fucking country and the people in it who think that our way is best despite ALL evidence to the contrary. Severe disappointment at that tiny flag-waving capitalism-driven voice inside my head that whispered "They just hand out surgeries that expensive to just anyone? Even poor people? What did they do to deserve that?" And hopelessness born out of the realization that this probably isn't going to change in my lifetime and the best we can hope for is that the next fucking generation gets it right... or better at least.
Fuck, dude. I don't know. I know I got something way different out of this book that probably everyone else that read it, but it does go on the list of Books That Fundamentally Changed The Way I Think and that's no small feat.
Feelings about this book. I've got 'em. In. Spades.
Can I express them by typing words into this box?
No clue, but buckle up, because I have a feeling it's about to get ranty as fuck up in here.
It's a kink book - extreme kink. Blood and pain and slavery and pissing oneself, and I know a lot of people have feelings about that.
It's a bit of that kink-as-therapy book. The whole 'you're fucked in the head, so you clearly need a keeper to make decisions for you for a while, because you can't be trusted to make your own and then oh, look, you're all fixed and feel better now'. Good thing your sadist is practically a therapist. Lots of people have feelings about that, too.
But my strongest feelings?
How fucking lucky is everyone that lives in the fucking UK?
I'm reading this book about a boy who was tossed out of his parent's house at 19 for being a boy who has no job and there he is living in a fucking apartment.
An. Apartment.
We're assured that it's a shitty apartment that no one would want. Dirty. Dirty mattress. Teeny tiny. Shitty neighbors...
But here's the thing. It's a fucking apartment. With a bathroom and a lock on the door and privacy... Know what teenagers who are chucked out of their homes for being queer have in the US? A backpack? Maybe? Socks if they're lucky. Hopefully access to some fucking bootstraps, because that's all you got, baby, so you'd better hold on tight and pull real hard while you're sleeping under that fucking bridge because that's your only way out.
And there's a lot of talk about the waiting lists within the NHS gender clinic system and examples of being misgendered throughout the process in this book, but I'm over here fucking losing my shit at the idea that a fucking penniless runaway might one day get a fucking phalloplasty just by being put on a fucking list and talking to people for a few years???? What?????? I can't even.
Is that really the way it is????
The back of the book says that the author is transgender and from the UK, so I feel like this might be an actual representation of How It Is over there, but.... I mean.... the idea that someone just gets to have that because it's what they want or need? It doesn't even fucking compute. To get a phalloplasty in the states costs more than my fucking mortgage. It costs four times as much as my fucking master's degree and that was 'in debt for most of your life' levels of expensive. It's so far out of the realm of possibility for most people that it's not even a consideration. Fuck. Gender therapy isn't within the realm of possibility for most people. Hormone treatment isn't either. None of it is a possibility for a lot of people here. Let alone a fucking teenager on their own.
I'm standing at the edge of this book, and I want to throw a fucking tantrum. I want to scream and pitch my Kindle across the fucking room at the utter fucking unfairness of it.
When you grow up in the states, you believe that this is the greatest country on earth. You do. Like they actually just straight up teach you that in school. Call it propaganda. Call it indoctrination. Fuck. Call it Stockholm Syndrome. But you believe it. I believed it. And when bad things happen, you think 'yeah, it's not perfect, but it's so much worse elsewhere'. And when you worry about shit, you think 'everywhere's got its own problems, and here is probably better than most'.
Sometimes, it really hits you. Like, this is not how it should be. What's happening here is wrong. But... I still have so much, how could I possibly complain? I'm so fortunate. So lucky to live in one of the richest nations in the world.
And then this fucking book crosses my path and it's got this fucking dark, depressing depiction of just how hard it can be for young people in the UK to get what they need.
AND IT SEEMS LIKE FUCKING PARADISE.
So, yeah. Imma give it five stars, because I've got a 'if it made me cry it gets 5-stars' loophole. Because this book did make me cry. Because of crushing sorrow for every single person in the US who has ever questioned their gender and for every teenager that I fucking see with tattered clothes huddled under underpasses with nothing but a fucking backpack to their name. Impotent rage at this fucking country and the people in it who think that our way is best despite ALL evidence to the contrary. Severe disappointment at that tiny flag-waving capitalism-driven voice inside my head that whispered "They just hand out surgeries that expensive to just anyone? Even poor people? What did they do to deserve that?" And hopelessness born out of the realization that this probably isn't going to change in my lifetime and the best we can hope for is that the next fucking generation gets it right... or better at least.
Fuck, dude. I don't know. I know I got something way different out of this book that probably everyone else that read it, but it does go on the list of Books That Fundamentally Changed The Way I Think and that's no small feat.
August 31, 2017
Amazing. I fucking loved it and my thoughts are too jumbled to write a review.
Read
May 12, 2020I don't think I can rate this one accurately, so I'm probably gonna skip right over the stars. Mainly because this is almost entirely kink, from a single POV, and it's a kink I don't find very interesting.
What is interesting are the discussions of body dysphoria as a pre-transition trans man, the difficulties he's facing attaining that transition, asexuality with a character who is not sex repulsed and two aromantic characters, one of whom is just discovering that aromanticism exists.
And yes, since two of the three MCs are aromantic, this is not a romance. At all. Do not read for that.
These other conversations made the book worthwhile to me, but it's a long book, and the vast majority is internal dialog surrounding Stefan's sex slave fantasies. The first 40% or so is practically all internalized sexual slavery.
I'm not sure I would have made it that far if I hadn't just read a different series by this author that includes a similar kink, but with characters who only want to play those roles during sex scenes, as opposed to Stefan wanting to fill that role 24/7. It can definitely be uncomfortable to read about, so I think I made the right call coming into it after acclimating to the kink a little from the other series.
It's only in the last 15 pages of the book that Stefan is starting to think about anything outside of his desire to be owned (and the progress, or lack thereof, of his transition, but he's actively trying NOT to think about that for a lot of the book since it feels hopeless to him -- and understandably so, from everything we eventually learn). I think this would have been much better if we'd gotten a little more of what his life with Daz and Yannis looks like going forward and a little less of the drawn out, repetitive fantasies in the first 200 pages.
It did very effectively make its point about the lack of resources for the Stefans of the world, and how terrifying and hopeless it would feel to find yourself alone with no idea how to just...be. How to exist as yourself. It's heart-breaking and important -- and still super repetitive in places. So how do you rate that?!
Also, I am desperate for a little of Yannis' POV :)
What is interesting are the discussions of body dysphoria as a pre-transition trans man, the difficulties he's facing attaining that transition, asexuality with a character who is not sex repulsed and two aromantic characters, one of whom is just discovering that aromanticism exists.
And yes, since two of the three MCs are aromantic, this is not a romance. At all. Do not read for that.
These other conversations made the book worthwhile to me, but it's a long book, and the vast majority is internal dialog surrounding Stefan's sex slave fantasies. The first 40% or so is practically all internalized sexual slavery.
I'm not sure I would have made it that far if I hadn't just read a different series by this author that includes a similar kink, but with characters who only want to play those roles during sex scenes, as opposed to Stefan wanting to fill that role 24/7. It can definitely be uncomfortable to read about, so I think I made the right call coming into it after acclimating to the kink a little from the other series.
It's only in the last 15 pages of the book that Stefan is starting to think about anything outside of his desire to be owned (and the progress, or lack thereof, of his transition, but he's actively trying NOT to think about that for a lot of the book since it feels hopeless to him -- and understandably so, from everything we eventually learn). I think this would have been much better if we'd gotten a little more of what his life with Daz and Yannis looks like going forward and a little less of the drawn out, repetitive fantasies in the first 200 pages.
It did very effectively make its point about the lack of resources for the Stefans of the world, and how terrifying and hopeless it would feel to find yourself alone with no idea how to just...be. How to exist as yourself. It's heart-breaking and important -- and still super repetitive in places. So how do you rate that?!
Also, I am desperate for a little of Yannis' POV :)
September 8, 2018
You can feel Stefan’s turmoil, and even if you don’t identify with his kinks, you can identify with *him*. - Leigh
It was only when he hit his lowest point near the end of the second act that I realised how thoroughly this book had me emotionally invested. - GD
Read our full reviews here
It was only when he hit his lowest point near the end of the second act that I realised how thoroughly this book had me emotionally invested. - GD
Read our full reviews here
May 27, 2017
I was able to read this book early as a Patreon of Matthew... This is a very dark and intense story and there was times when it took me out of my comfort zone. but it was beautiful in its way...
Stefan is trying to find his way and through Daz and Yannis finds submission and a sense of place..
Stefan is trying to find his way and through Daz and Yannis finds submission and a sense of place..
June 3, 2017
This book is intense, and brutal, and beautiful.
It's definitely not for everyone. Stefan likes rough (REALLY rough, violent, kind of terrifying, cringe-worthy) sex. He needs it. He craves it. And he gets it. He gets it A LOT. So if that's an instant turn-off for you, then don't say I didn't warn you. (also should throw out a warning for self-harm and drug/alcohol use)
If you are willing to push your comfort zone a little (or if that IS your comfort zone), I highly recommend this book. It's not just about kinky sex. It's about being human. It's about being a mess and finding what puts you back together (which, in this case, happens to be kinky sex). You can feel Stefan's turmoil, and even if you don't identify with his kinks, you can identify with *him*. He's struggling with his identity, with accepting his body and his feelings and with liking the things he likes. He wants to be wanted, he wants to belong, but he feels, for endless reasons, that he isn't and doesn't. Then Daz comes along. Dominant, controlling Daz, and his aro/ace boyfriend Yannis... and they both, in their own ways, help Stefan put himself back together again.
When Daz isn't playing the Master role, he is downright adorable. It made me so happy to see the scary Master turn out to be a teasing, laid back goofball. The brilliant little glimpses of cuteness and humor between Daz and Yannis, and the unquestioning acceptance both men show Stefan--for his sexual preferences, for his trans identity, for everything he's been through--were sprinkled throughout often enough to keep me from feeling overwhelmed by the brutal sex scenes.
Speaking of those sex scenes... It's important to mention that although the sex is borderline rape, there's never a question whether Stefan's consenting to it. It is made abundantly clear that he wants it, he needs it, he enjoys it, and it helps him feel better about himself. He always has a safeword. Daz respects his boundaries and cares for him as a person.
Another point of praise: There is a conversation explaining asexuality and aromanticism, but it feels natural. It was enlightening without feeling like the author was lecturing through his characters. There is also discussion of dysphoria multiple times and the same can be said for that--enlightening, but felt natural.
Anyway. Read this book. That's all that's left to say.
It's definitely not for everyone. Stefan likes rough (REALLY rough, violent, kind of terrifying, cringe-worthy) sex. He needs it. He craves it. And he gets it. He gets it A LOT. So if that's an instant turn-off for you, then don't say I didn't warn you. (also should throw out a warning for self-harm and drug/alcohol use)
If you are willing to push your comfort zone a little (or if that IS your comfort zone), I highly recommend this book. It's not just about kinky sex. It's about being human. It's about being a mess and finding what puts you back together (which, in this case, happens to be kinky sex). You can feel Stefan's turmoil, and even if you don't identify with his kinks, you can identify with *him*. He's struggling with his identity, with accepting his body and his feelings and with liking the things he likes. He wants to be wanted, he wants to belong, but he feels, for endless reasons, that he isn't and doesn't. Then Daz comes along. Dominant, controlling Daz, and his aro/ace boyfriend Yannis... and they both, in their own ways, help Stefan put himself back together again.
When Daz isn't playing the Master role, he is downright adorable. It made me so happy to see the scary Master turn out to be a teasing, laid back goofball. The brilliant little glimpses of cuteness and humor between Daz and Yannis, and the unquestioning acceptance both men show Stefan--for his sexual preferences, for his trans identity, for everything he's been through--were sprinkled throughout often enough to keep me from feeling overwhelmed by the brutal sex scenes.
Speaking of those sex scenes... It's important to mention that although the sex is borderline rape, there's never a question whether Stefan's consenting to it. It is made abundantly clear that he wants it, he needs it, he enjoys it, and it helps him feel better about himself. He always has a safeword. Daz respects his boundaries and cares for him as a person.
Another point of praise: There is a conversation explaining asexuality and aromanticism, but it feels natural. It was enlightening without feeling like the author was lecturing through his characters. There is also discussion of dysphoria multiple times and the same can be said for that--enlightening, but felt natural.
Anyway. Read this book. That's all that's left to say.
June 1, 2017
Dirty. Gritty. Shameful. Northern. Sordid. Unexpected. Proud. Different. Uplifting. Brilliant.
Not for the faint hearted.
I savoured this book in small sections, partly so I didn't get overwhelmed and partly to make it last longer.
Thoroughly recommended, as long as you like your books dark, complicated and subtle (the central themes are addressed via their implications, rather than head on in endless clunky monologues and dialogues).
Not for the faint hearted.
I savoured this book in small sections, partly so I didn't get overwhelmed and partly to make it last longer.
Thoroughly recommended, as long as you like your books dark, complicated and subtle (the central themes are addressed via their implications, rather than head on in endless clunky monologues and dialogues).
May 30, 2017
Loved this.
All the trigger warnings though.
All the trigger warnings though.
August 6, 2017
Note: This book was provided to me by the publisher through Hearts on Fire Reviews in exchange for an impartial review.
First and foremost, don’t even pick this book up if you can’t stomach reading about self-inflicted harm, rape or near rape, graphic depictions of violence, and/or suicidal ideations. This book starts out with a strong statement of Stefan’s state of mind. He’s a young man in transition who is getting his testosterone online since he can’t hold a job and knows he wouldn’t be able to pass the psych tests involved to pass into an approved program. He hates his body, specifically his still-there breasts and vagina; and his out-of-control sexual desires, his state of poverty, and body dysmorphia keep him in a state of constant despair. His sex drive is powerful and constant and he craves being abused. He’s not after a partner. He wants to be owned. He wants a master. He wants to hurt. He feels shame about it but that doesn’t change his desire to be someone’s slave.
In Daz, he manages to find the perfect man to meet his needs. Daz, an enigmatic, strong, and controlling man, masters Stefan, and at times his actions are so cruel that it was difficult for me to appreciate how he handled Stefan.
But by the end of the book, it was very evident that everything that happened was perfect in its own way. Daz’s asexual partner, Yanni, plays a major role in this drama as well. Not only is he asexual, he’s able to totally disregard Stefan’s involvement with Daz, something that Stefan finds odd at first. Later, Yanni uses music to awaken Stefan to new facets of his sexual behavior. And it’s Yanni that finally helps Stefan understand what it means to be aromantic and to help him come to accept that he is not alone, and definitely not a freak because of his sexual proclivities.
I have many passages marked in this story to help keep my memory fresh, since it was a very long story, but even as I look back on what I have, I find it difficult to find the words to describe how incrementally slowly Stefan and his relationship with Daz and Yanni changed.
This book is very dark, and there were parts, especially in the first half, where I thought I’d have to stop reading. Not that the writing was bad. No, it was the fact that the writing was so very good. I kept stepping back into the character and my emotions were put through the ringer as Stefan struggled to figure out just who he is and what he wants. The second half often had equally chilling scenes. However, at that point, I was ready to keep going, no matter what. The journey for Stefan to find peace and self-acceptance takes readers on an emotional rollercoaster of epic proportions.
If you can overlook or overcome the dark aspects of the story, you will be treated to brilliant writing and unforgettable characters who work their way to a memorable and satisfying finale.
First and foremost, don’t even pick this book up if you can’t stomach reading about self-inflicted harm, rape or near rape, graphic depictions of violence, and/or suicidal ideations. This book starts out with a strong statement of Stefan’s state of mind. He’s a young man in transition who is getting his testosterone online since he can’t hold a job and knows he wouldn’t be able to pass the psych tests involved to pass into an approved program. He hates his body, specifically his still-there breasts and vagina; and his out-of-control sexual desires, his state of poverty, and body dysmorphia keep him in a state of constant despair. His sex drive is powerful and constant and he craves being abused. He’s not after a partner. He wants to be owned. He wants a master. He wants to hurt. He feels shame about it but that doesn’t change his desire to be someone’s slave.
In Daz, he manages to find the perfect man to meet his needs. Daz, an enigmatic, strong, and controlling man, masters Stefan, and at times his actions are so cruel that it was difficult for me to appreciate how he handled Stefan.
But by the end of the book, it was very evident that everything that happened was perfect in its own way. Daz’s asexual partner, Yanni, plays a major role in this drama as well. Not only is he asexual, he’s able to totally disregard Stefan’s involvement with Daz, something that Stefan finds odd at first. Later, Yanni uses music to awaken Stefan to new facets of his sexual behavior. And it’s Yanni that finally helps Stefan understand what it means to be aromantic and to help him come to accept that he is not alone, and definitely not a freak because of his sexual proclivities.
I have many passages marked in this story to help keep my memory fresh, since it was a very long story, but even as I look back on what I have, I find it difficult to find the words to describe how incrementally slowly Stefan and his relationship with Daz and Yanni changed.
This book is very dark, and there were parts, especially in the first half, where I thought I’d have to stop reading. Not that the writing was bad. No, it was the fact that the writing was so very good. I kept stepping back into the character and my emotions were put through the ringer as Stefan struggled to figure out just who he is and what he wants. The second half often had equally chilling scenes. However, at that point, I was ready to keep going, no matter what. The journey for Stefan to find peace and self-acceptance takes readers on an emotional rollercoaster of epic proportions.
If you can overlook or overcome the dark aspects of the story, you will be treated to brilliant writing and unforgettable characters who work their way to a memorable and satisfying finale.
June 5, 2020
Finished this book in one sitting! Wow. Wowiwowiwiwwowow. This story was so deep, so dark, so twisted, so very incredibly fucked up, but also so God damn beautiful.
This story is not for the faint hearted, one of the most darkest characters I’ve had the pleasure of meeting. These characters aren’t at all perfect, but they are wonderfully developed. I didn’t expect for 3 characters to be introduced to me, and at first I was hesitant to continue... but I ended up loving the trio the more I found out about them. I’m so excited for what’s next for the author, because I read “What it Looks Like” and was also blown away by the intensity, the rawness and the dark eroticism of it all.
This story is not for the faint hearted, one of the most darkest characters I’ve had the pleasure of meeting. These characters aren’t at all perfect, but they are wonderfully developed. I didn’t expect for 3 characters to be introduced to me, and at first I was hesitant to continue... but I ended up loving the trio the more I found out about them. I’m so excited for what’s next for the author, because I read “What it Looks Like” and was also blown away by the intensity, the rawness and the dark eroticism of it all.
August 31, 2017
I could easily see how this book wouldn't work for some people: mental health issues, body dysphoria, self-harm, VERY MUCH BDSM, sexual slavery, rape fantasies…)
(And listing it out I'm like … well fuck)
But this book was so much of what I needed to read right now and I can't thank the author enough for writing it and for sharing the voices of these guys.
This is not your typical romance but god is it honest and genuine. Love can mean a lot of different things and happiness is the biggest key.
(And listing it out I'm like … well fuck)
But this book was so much of what I needed to read right now and I can't thank the author enough for writing it and for sharing the voices of these guys.
This is not your typical romance but god is it honest and genuine. Love can mean a lot of different things and happiness is the biggest key.
June 6, 2017
This is the second transgender romance that I've read. It was so amazingly well done. I honestly just loved it. Be warned though that it is extremely dark. The sex is intense to put it mildly. There's self harm and drug use as well. So, be warned. Don't go into this thinking that it's a light sweet read. I think this will stick with me for a long time!
March 4, 2018
'There were galaxies in those eyes. Entire oceans and worlds. It was like staring into the abyss—and the abyss stared right back, daring Stefan to jump. Daring him to find himself there.'
'Sex in C Major' is I believe one of the most darkly beautiful, starkly visceral and intensely haunting books I have read. I know already that I will never forget it and for the huge depth of understanding and compassion it brings to extraordinarily difficult subjects this novel deserves a place on my very select favourites shelf.
Clearly this is not an easy read, but it is brilliant and so beautifully written, dealing with complex issues in a thoughtful and nuanced way that I find utterly compelling.
Set in the North of England, the subject matter contains hard-core BDSM with a Master/slave relationship, and rape-fantasies as well as body dysmenorrhoea, self harm, depression and suicidal thoughts plus some drug abuse. These may understandably be trigger issues for some readers but if you feel that you can deal with the topics and the brutality this is actually a story of connection, acceptance and of positivity and hope arising out of the ashes of despair.
Partly because the story is so very realistic, it is one of the most crazily beautiful, boundary pushing, complex and entrancing books I have ever read.
The content is blisteringly extreme at times and yet it is also like a balm to the soul.
The characters are beautifully drawn and the writing is exceptional and kept me engrossed, engaged and hopeful.
It is a long book, but also totally absorbing and I was glad to return to it and reluctant to tear myself away.
Stefan is a mess full of self-loathing he desperately wants to be accepted as a man and yet he worries that his body and his sexual needs mean he is a freak. Rejected by his mother and family, compounds his fear that no-one will want him, and that everything is conspiring against his transitioning. All of his very limited money is spent self medicating from the betrayal of his own body.
Stefan's kink and fantasies are fairly extreme. At times he needs only to be an object for his Master, a sexual toy or a holes for gratification. The depictions really push at my own boundaries and yet whilst the story can get really dark and graphic, the humanity and the message of acceptance and connection is remarkable and shines through the pain.
Everything is told from Stefan’s point of view, providing huge insight into the contradictions, tensions and inner turmoil and the relief of meeting Daz and Yannis who bring their own understandings, integrity and pragmatism to the situation.
Each of these men is flawed and unconventional but they are also humourous and brave and between them they can bring balance and peace. The triad works and it fully engages the reader to understand and make sense of the nuances and to have moments of enlightenment and learning along the way. I cannot express enough how well crafted and insightful I find this story.
'Sex in C Major' has a brilliant depiction of aromantic relationships and the story is far from a typical romance in so many ways, but it is heartfelt and poignant and the relationships have a depth and beauty of their own.
I would like to sincerely recommend this story to everyone and yet I know it will not be everybodies cup of tea
It is a rich, complex and fulfilling read that meets twentyfirst-century issues head on. The representation of mental health, culture, gender identity, sexuality and asexuality, conformity and diversity of characters living in the UK is remarkably enriching.
This is the first time I have read anything by Matthew J. Metzger and I am utterly blown away by the writing I would award well beyond five stars if I could.
Just before I conclude I would like to say that this story is brutal and beautiful. I can understand why some people may not ever wish to entertain it or may find the topics too extreme particularly if they are looking for a romance. I do not agree with anyone who says that Stefan is using BDSM to control his flagging mental health, I think anyone who claims so is entirely missing the nuances and subtlety of the story. Stefan's well-being and self-respect is bolstered by the connection and understanding he is given by Daz and Yannis and the kink although brutal at times humiliating is always consensual. Stefan makes hard and difficult choices, sometimes he makes mistakes but he learns from them and moves on.
I am so glad I found Sex in C Major, I feel enriched, educated and totally privileged to have had my understandings broadened. That is a gift rarely found in a book and is deeply cherished.
The triad of Stefan, Daz and Yannis form a relationship that is fulfilling and enlightening.
'Of the man who wanted to test and twist him, but never touch him. Of both of these men, who had so effortlessly swallowed him into their existence, their partnership, and consumed him.'
Unforgettable.
July 8, 2017
Sex in C Major by Matthew J. Metzger will not be an easy read for anyone—it is aptly labeled as “dark” and Mr. Metzger is speaking truth by doing so. It is extreme in its kink and BDSM elements complete with consensual rape fantasies, multiple sexual partners and what is a fairly mind-boggling interpretation of the Master/slave relationship. No, this novel will definitely not be everyone’s cup of tea but despite that it is an important piece of work—very important, as it is an amazing window into aromantic, asexual and transgender people. It is also deeply disturbing to watch a person so steeped in self-hatred that they balance on the cusp of what many would call suicidal behavior when it comes to self-preservation. I am speaking of the lead character, Stefan, a pre-operative transgender female to male man who is trapped inside a body he hates yet one that brings him such incredible sexual release—a release he craves with every fiber of his being.
Stefan was thrown away by a mother who never really wanted him but tolerated the fact that she had a child whose father was essentially non-existent. He has lived on his own since he was seventeen and is barely surviving. Due to a national health system that takes forever to help just about anyone who is not at death’s door, least of all a person needing hormone prescriptions to begin transitioning, Stefan has taken to the internet for a sketchy contraband version of the same and begun the process without a doctor’s care. Living on what is tantamount to welfare, he drinks and smokes weed to keep himself from going over the edge as the hormone injections send his sex drive into an insatiable need that must be fulfilled. Hence, Stefan tends to get drunk and go hunting for someone to make him feel the pain he so greatly desires—the pain that will scratch the itch and he lives oh so dangerously while doing so.
On one such excursion, he meets Daz who begins a relationship with him that will ultimately lead to Stefan finding his Master and becoming the sex toy he so desperately wishes to be—a slave to be used, filled and tortured but also made to feel safe. And oh how Stefan needs to feel safe, not loved—for his is aromantic but definitely safe and he will go to any lengths to have that and trust me when I tell you that he does and this novel explains it all in highly graphic detail. Along the way we will meet Yannis, Daz’s lover who is himself asexual and more than understanding of his boyfriend’s need to have a sexual partner. Theirs is a relationship that takes some time to grasp but makes complete sense as this story unfolds. This trio of men will explore some of the darkest places imaginable all with absolute consent on Stefan’s part and the strictest of rules. It often feels as thought what ever Daz says, goes and he is unrelenting unless Stefan safewords and then all play stops. Perhaps the word play is a misnomer in this case for there are times in this book when I literally stopped breathing wondering if Stefan would finally halt what often appears to be sheer madness on his part when it comes to rough and dangerous sex.
So why is this book so important and why was I unable to put it down despite my horror at the way in which Daz controlled and, yes, physically damaged his slave? Because this novel was a work in progress—it was the unraveling of years of self-loathing, self-destructive behavior and a sense of utter despair that had haunted Stefan unmercifully. In many ways this story was the metamorphosis of a woman shedding an identity that she was not born into and becoming the man he was meant to be all along. While you may shudder and be repelled by the way in which he makes this transition, it is an undeniable fact that this gritty, dark novel is one of the most brutally honest depictions of what one man needed to go through to begin to understand his body, his emotions and to learn how to love himself.
There was only one time in this novel where I felt the author crossed the line and took the decision making process away from Stefan. You can argue that he was often so far into his own head and self-hating that his ability to monitor his life was beyond his grasp but I would beg to differ. Daz very importantly made sure that Stefan’s safeword was always there—always a way out for Stefan and he did use it on rare occasion and when it was uttered it usually signaled yet another breakthrough for Stefan hard on it’s heels. However, at one point in the novel I felt that Daz held up the safeword as a punishment full knowing that if Stefan used it that all would end—that the Master he so desperately needed would turn him away and the sounding of the word meant the end to everything.
Given that Stefan needed Daz and Yannis like the air he breathed by that point, I felt Daz manipulated the situation for the very first time and it struck a wrong chord in an otherwise very precise and planned relationship. I’m sorry I can’t be more specific about this particular scene especially since there is more than one moment in the novel where Stefan is presented with the idea that uttering his safeword will actually indicate he wants out of the Master/slave contract. Suffice it to say that I viewed the other times as valid and well thought out but in this one particular instance it seemed to border on blackmail. In such a long novel with more than it’s fair share of stunningly brutal scenarios I think it says much about this author’s extreme care for the subject matter that there was only this one occasion where I felt Stefan was emotionally mistreated.
Sex In C Major is a bit like that documentary one watches where you feel so engrossed in the story that you cannot look away even though you often feel heartsick at what is happening to the hero of the story. This is not an easy book. No, it definitely should be approached with an open mind and great care but I will say that it is brilliantly written, brutally honest and, yes, again, very important.
Stefan was thrown away by a mother who never really wanted him but tolerated the fact that she had a child whose father was essentially non-existent. He has lived on his own since he was seventeen and is barely surviving. Due to a national health system that takes forever to help just about anyone who is not at death’s door, least of all a person needing hormone prescriptions to begin transitioning, Stefan has taken to the internet for a sketchy contraband version of the same and begun the process without a doctor’s care. Living on what is tantamount to welfare, he drinks and smokes weed to keep himself from going over the edge as the hormone injections send his sex drive into an insatiable need that must be fulfilled. Hence, Stefan tends to get drunk and go hunting for someone to make him feel the pain he so greatly desires—the pain that will scratch the itch and he lives oh so dangerously while doing so.
On one such excursion, he meets Daz who begins a relationship with him that will ultimately lead to Stefan finding his Master and becoming the sex toy he so desperately wishes to be—a slave to be used, filled and tortured but also made to feel safe. And oh how Stefan needs to feel safe, not loved—for his is aromantic but definitely safe and he will go to any lengths to have that and trust me when I tell you that he does and this novel explains it all in highly graphic detail. Along the way we will meet Yannis, Daz’s lover who is himself asexual and more than understanding of his boyfriend’s need to have a sexual partner. Theirs is a relationship that takes some time to grasp but makes complete sense as this story unfolds. This trio of men will explore some of the darkest places imaginable all with absolute consent on Stefan’s part and the strictest of rules. It often feels as thought what ever Daz says, goes and he is unrelenting unless Stefan safewords and then all play stops. Perhaps the word play is a misnomer in this case for there are times in this book when I literally stopped breathing wondering if Stefan would finally halt what often appears to be sheer madness on his part when it comes to rough and dangerous sex.
So why is this book so important and why was I unable to put it down despite my horror at the way in which Daz controlled and, yes, physically damaged his slave? Because this novel was a work in progress—it was the unraveling of years of self-loathing, self-destructive behavior and a sense of utter despair that had haunted Stefan unmercifully. In many ways this story was the metamorphosis of a woman shedding an identity that she was not born into and becoming the man he was meant to be all along. While you may shudder and be repelled by the way in which he makes this transition, it is an undeniable fact that this gritty, dark novel is one of the most brutally honest depictions of what one man needed to go through to begin to understand his body, his emotions and to learn how to love himself.
There was only one time in this novel where I felt the author crossed the line and took the decision making process away from Stefan. You can argue that he was often so far into his own head and self-hating that his ability to monitor his life was beyond his grasp but I would beg to differ. Daz very importantly made sure that Stefan’s safeword was always there—always a way out for Stefan and he did use it on rare occasion and when it was uttered it usually signaled yet another breakthrough for Stefan hard on it’s heels. However, at one point in the novel I felt that Daz held up the safeword as a punishment full knowing that if Stefan used it that all would end—that the Master he so desperately needed would turn him away and the sounding of the word meant the end to everything.
Given that Stefan needed Daz and Yannis like the air he breathed by that point, I felt Daz manipulated the situation for the very first time and it struck a wrong chord in an otherwise very precise and planned relationship. I’m sorry I can’t be more specific about this particular scene especially since there is more than one moment in the novel where Stefan is presented with the idea that uttering his safeword will actually indicate he wants out of the Master/slave contract. Suffice it to say that I viewed the other times as valid and well thought out but in this one particular instance it seemed to border on blackmail. In such a long novel with more than it’s fair share of stunningly brutal scenarios I think it says much about this author’s extreme care for the subject matter that there was only this one occasion where I felt Stefan was emotionally mistreated.
Sex In C Major is a bit like that documentary one watches where you feel so engrossed in the story that you cannot look away even though you often feel heartsick at what is happening to the hero of the story. This is not an easy book. No, it definitely should be approached with an open mind and great care but I will say that it is brilliantly written, brutally honest and, yes, again, very important.
April 10, 2017
I got to read this early as I'm a patreon supporter of Matthew. I read it in less than 24 hours. Definitely pushes the boundaries of what I'm comfortable reading but the characters are so beautifully written that you just fall in love with them and begin to understand their kinks. Would LOVE a follow up. Highly recommend this, and other books written by Matthew.
March 5, 2018
Gave up half way.
July 20, 2017
A ScatteredThoughtsandRogueWords Review. This review can also be found here.
4.5 Stars
I really can’t write an adequate blurb for this one. My fumbling attempt at writing one for this book yielded this –
“Stefan is a transgender male who has fantasies that could get him killed especially combined with his mile-long issues. When a chance encounter with Daz seems to get him exactly what he wants, will he finally come to terms with what he wants or will it take something very different to force Stefan to recognise himself?”
...just read the blurb, it's pretty spot on.
I finished reading this book on the 4th of June and as I sit down to write this review it is the 8th of June. I have taken a lot of time to assimilate my thoughts regarding this book and I still don't think I have grasped them all. Reading this book feels like an experience. It's the kind of book that pulls you kicking and screaming into its world and wrings you out till all you can do is absorb everything this book has to offer. This book is a sensory overload and that might be the most truthful thing I think there is to say about this book.
Regarding the warnings that come with this book, while this book is pretty dark and overwhelming with emotions and frankly pulls you in a million different directions it didn't even come close to my limits so I, on the whole, didn't have to deal with discomfort when I read it, but I feel that for a lot of people this is going to be a significant aspect of this book. This book is bare bones reality it doesn't cover up anything, nothing fades to back and everything is starkly defined so there is no getting away. So when you pick up this book heed the warnings.
When I started reading the book it was like reading something that you love-to-hate. I had a million problems with this book when I started it but if I have to be true to myself I realise that I loved the book then as well. But at that point, in the beginning, there was so much I had a problem with. Stefan harps on normal so much in the beginning of this book that I hated seeing the word come up in the text and it comes up a lot. Also, Stefan has some extremely outdated views on woman and it felt really wrong to hear those from him. One of the biggest wins for me in this book was when Daz sets the record straight on that account. It instantaneously made me respect Daz even when I was in the love-to-hate phase with this book. So in that phase of this book, I also felt like this author isn’t for me because I have read another book by this author that I didn't like but this book proved me wrong in that regard.
The best thing this book has to offer is undoubtedly Yannis. Reading a character like him made me realise why diversity is so important because looking at the world from a different perspective can be beyond enlightening it can be transcendent. He is the kind of character that you don't even know you want to read about till you have met him and then you realise how much you were missing when you finally do. When Yan fights it's something so amazing.
Yan and Daz's relationship has got to be the most mind boggling relationship of all times because it is missing all the traditional elements that you find in relationships. It is a sexual and romantic relationship but only from one side of the equation and the other side is completely indifferent. While indifferent is the word that comes to mind it has also made me realise that love is more than romance and sex and while those are the two things that love is most often related with and for some people romance + sex = love it is nice to meet a couple that doesn't fit the former part of the equation at all but still manages the latter. I loved the fact that these two characters loved each other without their Love being love. It's truly made me realise that Love is so much more than our mind can comprehend and it truly is something else, more than you know, more than you can imagine and is the most unclassifiable thing in the world.
Daz is a quintessential male. While writing this review the thing that comes to mind when I think of Daz is a classical romance hero who is nice but dark except Daz's so called darkness isn't an indefinable something but something you are made familiar with in the very beginning of the book. He is dangerous and he is sweet. I loved his sweet and cuddly moments and it's very funny to think of the fact that he is the only romantic one in the relationship he shares with Yan because he is kind of the guy in books who is the least interested in romance but in this book if he wants romance he has to grab it with both hands. Irony thou art funny.
Stefan is the one character in this book who was not an instant favourite. Initially, his very skewed view on cis gendered people was really getting to me and then his obsession with normal was maddening. The only thing that I could understand of Stefan's initially was his kink. I got his need for it and I also got his hatred for it and how he would let his want for it make him go crazy but when the want was fulfilled it would leave him feeling defiled. One of the things that Stefan learns during the course of this book was to let be, to not let his impression of normal prevent him from living his life the way he wants to live it. There is a conversation between Daz and Stefan which in a very overly simplified manner amounts to Stefan harping on the fact that he wasn't normal and Daz telling him to get over it, to get over the fact that he enjoyed things others wouldn't consider normal because the fact was that he enjoyed them, so he should and fuck anyone else who thinks otherwise. Surprisingly I have been on Stefan's end of this conversation and while what Daz was saying to Stefan is exactly what I wanted to say to Stefan I also understand how hard it is to just let go of your beliefs no matter how wrong they may be, so Stefan's struggles made a unique impact.
There is this scene at the end of the book which is really intense. I read two reviews before reading this book and both in their own way propelled me to read the book. I only read one line of the second review and that said DNF @98%. Now, this was really surprising for me because I couldn't fathom DNFing a book so close to its end. So yeah, there is something at the end of the book that could be distressing enough to make some people DNF this book on the spot, but for me while the scene is intense it also fits the story and the characters, it is not jarring and it didn't feel unreal in fact I am very surprised how naturally that scene flowed. But I guess this scene will be the source of quite a lot of debate. Personally, for me, Daz and Stefan’s sex life is something I completely understand. I get both the desire to submit to the extent Stefan wants to as well as the desire to call something, someone yours.
Whenever I think of this book I think of colours so bright you feel you can touch them.
This book is like notes on a page and the notes you play will be a noise for some and a symphony for others.
Cover Art by Written Ink Designs. I loved the attention to detail that is evident on the cover. It is an amazing cover.
4.5 Stars
I really can’t write an adequate blurb for this one. My fumbling attempt at writing one for this book yielded this –
“Stefan is a transgender male who has fantasies that could get him killed especially combined with his mile-long issues. When a chance encounter with Daz seems to get him exactly what he wants, will he finally come to terms with what he wants or will it take something very different to force Stefan to recognise himself?”
...just read the blurb, it's pretty spot on.
I finished reading this book on the 4th of June and as I sit down to write this review it is the 8th of June. I have taken a lot of time to assimilate my thoughts regarding this book and I still don't think I have grasped them all. Reading this book feels like an experience. It's the kind of book that pulls you kicking and screaming into its world and wrings you out till all you can do is absorb everything this book has to offer. This book is a sensory overload and that might be the most truthful thing I think there is to say about this book.
Regarding the warnings that come with this book, while this book is pretty dark and overwhelming with emotions and frankly pulls you in a million different directions it didn't even come close to my limits so I, on the whole, didn't have to deal with discomfort when I read it, but I feel that for a lot of people this is going to be a significant aspect of this book. This book is bare bones reality it doesn't cover up anything, nothing fades to back and everything is starkly defined so there is no getting away. So when you pick up this book heed the warnings.
When I started reading the book it was like reading something that you love-to-hate. I had a million problems with this book when I started it but if I have to be true to myself I realise that I loved the book then as well. But at that point, in the beginning, there was so much I had a problem with. Stefan harps on normal so much in the beginning of this book that I hated seeing the word come up in the text and it comes up a lot. Also, Stefan has some extremely outdated views on woman and it felt really wrong to hear those from him. One of the biggest wins for me in this book was when Daz sets the record straight on that account. It instantaneously made me respect Daz even when I was in the love-to-hate phase with this book. So in that phase of this book, I also felt like this author isn’t for me because I have read another book by this author that I didn't like but this book proved me wrong in that regard.
The best thing this book has to offer is undoubtedly Yannis. Reading a character like him made me realise why diversity is so important because looking at the world from a different perspective can be beyond enlightening it can be transcendent. He is the kind of character that you don't even know you want to read about till you have met him and then you realise how much you were missing when you finally do. When Yan fights it's something so amazing.
Yan and Daz's relationship has got to be the most mind boggling relationship of all times because it is missing all the traditional elements that you find in relationships. It is a sexual and romantic relationship but only from one side of the equation and the other side is completely indifferent. While indifferent is the word that comes to mind it has also made me realise that love is more than romance and sex and while those are the two things that love is most often related with and for some people romance + sex = love it is nice to meet a couple that doesn't fit the former part of the equation at all but still manages the latter. I loved the fact that these two characters loved each other without their Love being love. It's truly made me realise that Love is so much more than our mind can comprehend and it truly is something else, more than you know, more than you can imagine and is the most unclassifiable thing in the world.
Daz is a quintessential male. While writing this review the thing that comes to mind when I think of Daz is a classical romance hero who is nice but dark except Daz's so called darkness isn't an indefinable something but something you are made familiar with in the very beginning of the book. He is dangerous and he is sweet. I loved his sweet and cuddly moments and it's very funny to think of the fact that he is the only romantic one in the relationship he shares with Yan because he is kind of the guy in books who is the least interested in romance but in this book if he wants romance he has to grab it with both hands. Irony thou art funny.
Stefan is the one character in this book who was not an instant favourite. Initially, his very skewed view on cis gendered people was really getting to me and then his obsession with normal was maddening. The only thing that I could understand of Stefan's initially was his kink. I got his need for it and I also got his hatred for it and how he would let his want for it make him go crazy but when the want was fulfilled it would leave him feeling defiled. One of the things that Stefan learns during the course of this book was to let be, to not let his impression of normal prevent him from living his life the way he wants to live it. There is a conversation between Daz and Stefan which in a very overly simplified manner amounts to Stefan harping on the fact that he wasn't normal and Daz telling him to get over it, to get over the fact that he enjoyed things others wouldn't consider normal because the fact was that he enjoyed them, so he should and fuck anyone else who thinks otherwise. Surprisingly I have been on Stefan's end of this conversation and while what Daz was saying to Stefan is exactly what I wanted to say to Stefan I also understand how hard it is to just let go of your beliefs no matter how wrong they may be, so Stefan's struggles made a unique impact.
There is this scene at the end of the book which is really intense. I read two reviews before reading this book and both in their own way propelled me to read the book. I only read one line of the second review and that said DNF @98%. Now, this was really surprising for me because I couldn't fathom DNFing a book so close to its end. So yeah, there is something at the end of the book that could be distressing enough to make some people DNF this book on the spot, but for me while the scene is intense it also fits the story and the characters, it is not jarring and it didn't feel unreal in fact I am very surprised how naturally that scene flowed. But I guess this scene will be the source of quite a lot of debate. Personally, for me, Daz and Stefan’s sex life is something I completely understand. I get both the desire to submit to the extent Stefan wants to as well as the desire to call something, someone yours.
Whenever I think of this book I think of colours so bright you feel you can touch them.
This book is like notes on a page and the notes you play will be a noise for some and a symphony for others.
Cover Art by Written Ink Designs. I loved the attention to detail that is evident on the cover. It is an amazing cover.
May 19, 2019
Read as part of the PopSugar Reading Challenge 2019, to fill 8) A book about a hobby.
Oh wow, this book means a lot to me. I feel seen, even though I'm not particularly like any of the main characters. There's just so much of me in this story and in the fact that it was even written in the first place. (I am asexual but I have always loved and been fascinated by extreme kink. The author is also asexual and clearly interested enough in it to write an entire book about it. That matters to me. I don't know. I have a lot of feelings.)
I've never read anything like this, outside of fanfiction. I've read books with sex in them, sometimes quite a bit of sex, but I've never read anything that would be classified as 'erotica'. I'm so glad this was my first foray. Because it's everything. This book is so fucking important.
You wanna explore trans issues? Trans characters with an unstable sense of self? Asexual characters in a sex book? Aromantics? Bisexuals? Dominants? Submissives? Addicts? Pain? Pleasure? Care? Big fuckin' nerds??? This book has it all.
I love Daz. SSC/RACK is very important to me, and Daz is a fucking perfect dom. Spacing and aftercare and safewording and boundaries and all the important aspects are there, but don't encroach on what Stefan needs unless he directly influences that.
I love Yannis. Asexual aromantic representation, yet still in a very important relationship. Someone with the ability to be loved, and no one can take that away. Also which becomes a very important aspect of the story and Stefan's journey, and I'm so so so happy about it. His experiments are also fascinating to me, somewhere between the Barry White Experiment and Pavlov's Dogs, testing Stefan in such a cool, collected manner, but becoming so important to him along the way.
And Stefan. He is a fucked up mess. And I adore him too. He has doubts, he's fucking terrified of everything he's doing and what that means in terms of him accepting himself. But god, do I love him.
I only had a couple of issues, which I'm gonna chuck under a spoiler cut because I don't want them to mar this review, where I fucking love all over this book.
Oh wow, this book means a lot to me. I feel seen, even though I'm not particularly like any of the main characters. There's just so much of me in this story and in the fact that it was even written in the first place. (I am asexual but I have always loved and been fascinated by extreme kink. The author is also asexual and clearly interested enough in it to write an entire book about it. That matters to me. I don't know. I have a lot of feelings.)
I've never read anything like this, outside of fanfiction. I've read books with sex in them, sometimes quite a bit of sex, but I've never read anything that would be classified as 'erotica'. I'm so glad this was my first foray. Because it's everything. This book is so fucking important.
You wanna explore trans issues? Trans characters with an unstable sense of self? Asexual characters in a sex book? Aromantics? Bisexuals? Dominants? Submissives? Addicts? Pain? Pleasure? Care? Big fuckin' nerds??? This book has it all.
I love Daz. SSC/RACK is very important to me, and Daz is a fucking perfect dom. Spacing and aftercare and safewording and boundaries and all the important aspects are there, but don't encroach on what Stefan needs unless he directly influences that.
I love Yannis. Asexual aromantic representation, yet still in a very important relationship. Someone with the ability to be loved, and no one can take that away. Also which becomes a very important aspect of the story and Stefan's journey, and I'm so so so happy about it. His experiments are also fascinating to me, somewhere between the Barry White Experiment and Pavlov's Dogs, testing Stefan in such a cool, collected manner, but becoming so important to him along the way.
And Stefan. He is a fucked up mess. And I adore him too. He has doubts, he's fucking terrified of everything he's doing and what that means in terms of him accepting himself. But god, do I love him.
I only had a couple of issues, which I'm gonna chuck under a spoiler cut because I don't want them to mar this review, where I fucking love all over this book.
February 10, 2020
I don't know where to start with this one.
holy moly a lot going on.
need things to settle.
A few weeks later and still damn holy moly.
This was dark. Not what I was thinking that it would be in a lot of ways, most not in a 'good' (i.e pleasant, what I would search for in a book, or necessarily enjoyable/entertaining) but not in a bad this is awful writing, or not gripping.
I don't know if I would recommend this to someone, or who that person would be, but at the same time would want everyone to read it? This has a lot of triggers for people (I don't know if I could even make an accurate list of everything) and there was a few times that I just had to stop
But this was still something that I'm glad I read, and would want others to read-not in a sense of
Hey I did the thing and want you to go down with me. But that I felt that it was important because that I kept circling back to a point Daz makes of 'so what's your normal.'
“Whose normal are you working from? Yannis’ family would think me locking either of you in the house and regulating your clothes, your money, your job—that’s all fine and normal. Even beating you would be normal. Just not the bit where I had sex with either of you. My family, they’d abhor the control and the violence, but Christ, sex is still baby-making to them. It’s filthy. It’s not normal to enjoy it. So what normal do you have?”
Anytime I'd be like damn that's not normal, or abnormal, or fucccckkked up, I'd need to go ok so what normal am I working with. At the end of the day as long as they were consenting adults, this is what they want and enjoy, then it's okay. Regardless of whatever Ideas or Normal I might subscribe to, that's not okay to put that onto someone else. This pushed me and made me go 'nope, found a boundary I didn't know I needed or that I had.'
This was important to have Stefan's story told, a transitioning male who doesn't have the resources and support to transition and is in a very bad place mentally, and physically in regards to body and home.
And having main characters who are aromantic and asexual is needed
And everyone should read this because I want everyone to know why my heart and soul belongs to Yannis. He shone the brightest for me and I will never get over my unrequited love for him. Looking back through the highlights I had were not enough. <3 you lovely amazing soul.
some triggers
holy moly a lot going on.
need things to settle.
A few weeks later and still damn holy moly.
This was dark. Not what I was thinking that it would be in a lot of ways, most not in a 'good' (i.e pleasant, what I would search for in a book, or necessarily enjoyable/entertaining) but not in a bad this is awful writing, or not gripping.
I don't know if I would recommend this to someone, or who that person would be, but at the same time would want everyone to read it? This has a lot of triggers for people (I don't know if I could even make an accurate list of everything) and there was a few times that I just had to stop
But this was still something that I'm glad I read, and would want others to read-not in a sense of
Hey I did the thing and want you to go down with me. But that I felt that it was important because that I kept circling back to a point Daz makes of 'so what's your normal.'
“Whose normal are you working from? Yannis’ family would think me locking either of you in the house and regulating your clothes, your money, your job—that’s all fine and normal. Even beating you would be normal. Just not the bit where I had sex with either of you. My family, they’d abhor the control and the violence, but Christ, sex is still baby-making to them. It’s filthy. It’s not normal to enjoy it. So what normal do you have?”
Anytime I'd be like damn that's not normal, or abnormal, or fucccckkked up, I'd need to go ok so what normal am I working with. At the end of the day as long as they were consenting adults, this is what they want and enjoy, then it's okay. Regardless of whatever Ideas or Normal I might subscribe to, that's not okay to put that onto someone else. This pushed me and made me go 'nope, found a boundary I didn't know I needed or that I had.'
This was important to have Stefan's story told, a transitioning male who doesn't have the resources and support to transition and is in a very bad place mentally, and physically in regards to body and home.
And having main characters who are aromantic and asexual is needed
And everyone should read this because I want everyone to know why my heart and soul belongs to Yannis. He shone the brightest for me and I will never get over my unrequited love for him. Looking back through the highlights I had were not enough. <3 you lovely amazing soul.
some triggers
July 31, 2018
Oh my. So I knew going into this read that it is dark with hard core (for me, that is) BDSM themes that are not my usual read. That being said, I still had difficulty. Took me quite a while to read it. This is NOT the kind of book I can binge read. Had to take it in in small doses. Stefan is such a tragic guy. Has nothing going on in his life, lives on the dole in a dank bedsit and lives for someone to cater to his kink. Other Goodreaders have captured the descriptors better than I - humiliation, non-con/dub-con, rape fantasies, etc. Not sure that I'd classify this as a romance. I cringed through most of it and just wanted to sob at Stefan's loss of self and self-hate. I've read several BDSM-themed books and there must be a connection, a sense of love between the MCs. I didn't feel that here. Didn't really get a sense of a healthy connection. I read one of this author's YA books and really enjoyed it. Kudos to him for his ability to move from almost innocent YA love to this very dark tale. I read romance to escape. To get my happily ever after. To spend a few days immersed in the love tales of two lovely MCs. Though there were times I was mesmerized at Daz, Yannis and Stefan and from an intellectual perspective, this was an engrossing read. But it left me feeling depressed, sad and wanting to wrap up all three of them in blankies and give them tea. Gave it 3 stars for drawing me in and the technical aspects of the read.
March 10, 2023
Warning for under negotiated kink and sexual activity.
That type of thing will a thousand percent put me off if it's clearly written by someone who doesn't know kink. This author clearly *does* and has made a choice to tell a story with under-negotiated, quite heavy kink in it.
That type of thing will a thousand percent put me off if it's clearly written by someone who doesn't know kink. This author clearly *does* and has made a choice to tell a story with under-negotiated, quite heavy kink in it.
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