Controlled Burn

Farm College #1

by Erin McLellan

At eighteen, Joel Smith’s life fell to pieces. His boyfriend died in a car crash while reading a sext from him, the local newspaper outed them both in the aftermath, and his parents got a divorce. Joel did everything possible to outrun his he moved to Oklahoma for college, legally changed his name, and started over.

Since then, he hasn’t let anyone get close—not his classmates, not his roommate, and definitely not his hookups. The strategy has served him well for over three years. Why would he change it now?

But Joel doesn’t plan on the articles about his boyfriend’s death being used as a case study in one of his classes. And he doesn’t plan on Paulie McPherson, who is sweet and giving and fun. In Paulie, he finds a home for the first time in years.

But love isn’t simple, and lies have a tendency to get in the way. Joel must figure out if he’ll allow his grief to rule him, or if his connection with Paulie is worth letting all of his walls come tumbling down.

Genres: M M Romance, Romance, Contemporary, New Adult, College, Friends To Lovers, Contemporary Romance

309 pages, Kindle Edition

First published August 14, 2017

About the author

Erin McLellan is the author of the Farm College, So Over the Holidays, and Storm Chasers series. She enjoys writing happily ever afters that are earthy, emotional, quirky, humorous, and very sexy. Originally from Oklahoma, she currently lives in Alaska and spends her time dreaming up queer contemporary romances. She is a lover of chocolate, college sports, antiquing, Dr Pepper, and binge-worthy TV shows.

Reviews

[Gigi · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book has some heavy angst but I think it's important for readers to know that I am going through my own personal angst right now. My husband was recently diagnosed with a rare form of cancer so I pretty much cry at the drop of a hat. My definition of angst may be quite different from yours.

4.5 stars



Joel is a 21 year-old man whose emotional growth is stunted. He is still living as a teenager, unable to properly grieve the loss of his high school boyfriend. He is lovely and wonderful, but an absolute mess.

Paulie starts off as the emotionally mature 23 year-old. Witty, happy, a great friend, free with his sexuality and his stereotypical femme behavior. You will fall in love with him, I have no doubt.

When these men meet, they begin as friends, which is already a big win for me. They bonded before jumping into bed which made their first sex scene outrageously hot and romantic. Dirty talk and romance? Bonus!

As Joel grows and realizes he needs to let the ghost of his boyfriend go, Paulie gets a turn to be an emotional mess. Here is where the angst comes into play. I ugly cried. I had to read the last 25% of the book with my glasses off because I kept getting them wet. I had a cry-headache for several hours. But every tear was worth the romantic payoff at the end.

Controlled Burn ended with a HFN, but that is very exciting news. Joel and Paulie's friend Travis will HOPEFULLY get his own book. (Travis is a big, beefy power bottom who likes spankings and has his eye on a ginger cowboy. Yay!) And if he does get his own book, we are sure to see these boys again.

I really loved this book. The sex was hot, the talk was dirty, the emotions heartfelt and the boys delightful. I can highly recommend it to my fellow M/M romance friends.

Advanced review copy of Controlled Burn provided by Riptide Publishing in exchange for an honest review.

This review is also posted at Gay Book Reviews

[Heather K (dentist in my spare time) · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book tore me up! Wow, what an emotional punch from debut author Erin McLellan!!

Sometimes you just read a book that works, and this one WORKED for me. It was that intense, emotional ride that I didn't know I wanted but, apparently, sorely needed.

It is a hard-fought romance. It is slow burn, without that element of immediate attraction, which I actually loved. The MCs come together organically and naturally over time, and I couldn't get enough. I just couldn't put it down!

However, that being said, I feel like this is going to be a love or hate kind of book with themes that just don't work for everyone.

*Some very minor spoilers may follow*

It is angsty... VERY angsty. I mean... wow. It's been a long time since I've been ripped apart with emotions like this. Though it is angsty, it isn't a depressing story, which is where I draw the line most of the time. It is just emotional, and both guys have trunks full of baggage to unpack. However, there is mention of suicide, for those who are triggered by that.

It deals with religious extremists. Some people want nothing to do with books with religion and we get some religious ideology here. It didn't bother me, but it might bother some people. In fact, I found the religious stuff to be downright fascinating.

While there is NO cheating, there is sex with people who aren't the other MC during the story. Some people don't want their characters hooking up with anyone else before their MCs get together during the story. I felt like everything in the story worked, even these aspects.

For me, everything just clicked. I really loved these characters, and the story felt fresh and vibrant and relevant. Not to mention the sex..... LORD, the sex! It was smoking hot with plenty of smutty details to satisfy readers like me!

Erin McLellan just put herself on my auto-buy list with this one!

*Copy provided in exchange for an honest review*

[Judith · Rating 4 out of 5]

4.5 Stars.

Paulie was this cute, swishy guy who had claimed me as a class buddy(...)

For a debut book I've got to say this one is pretty impressive and I think it's down to the writing....it has a kind of gritty feel to it.More and more I'm finding that sweet,fluffy,predictable MM books don't do it for me anymore.I find myself craving angst and drama and uncertainty....


Joel and Paulie's story.....

But it was definitely Paulie who made this one such a success for me....I could read about that boy all day long.


-Joel is grieving and can't seem to let go of the past and the love he lost.He copes with mindless sex and definitely isn't prepared to let anyone get close.

-Paulie is like a breath of fresh air,a tornado that rocks into Joel's life and won't let go.Just a little bit femme in the most delicious way.

-Friends first,then lovers that definitely worked.

This one both delighted me and frustrated me....

Delighted me,because I absolutely loved the connection between the two men and the angst and drama is just my thing.

Frustrated me, because I really couldn't understand why Joel didn't open up to Paulie sooner.


Recommended read and this is definitely an Author I'll be following closely.


I received an Arc of Controlled Burn from the Author in exchange for an honest review.

[Optimist ♰King's Wench♰ · Rating 5 out of 5]

Ever have one of those reading experiences where everything just clicks? When all the words and sentiments expressed feel like a shared secret? That makes you reminisce on those conversations you've had in the middle of the night when it seemed easier to share all those random things that whirl around in your brainpan, so simple yet somehow profound?

That was this read for me.

I started reading the excerpt on Riptide's site just to see if it would suit me and within the first chapter I started to have that feeling. I tried to hold out once I got the ARC, wait to read and review it until closer to release day but it had its hooks in me and I needed to know.

Controlled Burn is told entirely through Joel. It's about him letting go of his grief and guilt and learning to live and love again. He'll never be the boy who was in love with his team's first baseman that had dreams of walking on the team at University of Nebraska together. He'll never be Jared again. But he can start again, be someone new, live an honest and open life with someone thoroughly unexpected. If he'll give himself a break and stop being so stubborn.

Joel, at first glance, struck me as the prototypical protagonist who's suffered a terrible loss-closed off, only looking for anonymous sex to lessen the pain of losing his first love-but as this story unfolded so did his layers.



The complexity of not just his emotions but his behaviors resonated. He's not predictable nor is he perfect but his vulnerability spoke to me. He's put Diego and their halcyon days together on a pedestal which I think many are wont to do with someone who dies unexpectedly and so young. He's found comfort in this routine and created a life for himself albeit an isolated one. And then came Paulie.

He looked like home, and nothing had looked like home in a very long time.

Paulie is everything Diego wasn't. He's femme, out and proud, demonstrative, sassy and a bit audacious. He has a presence, makes no apologies for who he is nor does he hide how he feels about Joel. He has his fair share of baggage in the form of a hyper-religious family that wanted him to pray the gay away then ousted him at 14. Paulie is so strong in so many ways but just beneath the surface lies an innocence, a fragility. He's whatever the male version of a steel magnolia is.

Joel is in equal measures crazy in love with Paulie and terrified of what that means.



Theirs is an all consuming love but there is a secret that the longer it's left unspoken, the greater the risk is it will blow them apart. For a romance addict like me there were so many quiet moments between them that were superbly written emotionally yet happen in such realistic and austere ways that made them accessible and will undoubtedly lead to a reread in the future. Both the showing of their connection and the caliber of the exposition of these characters were top-notch.

Even if I didn't have the balls to say it, I could press my love into his skin like a tattoo, burn it into his memory so he would never forget it.

Sex is an integral part of their relationship. For me, it wasn't about the sex so much as it was about the emotionality of it and what it means for both of them. Why they have an insatiable need for the physical connection and a compulsion to leave their marks on each other. There are a couple of scenes that are memorable for their intimacy, but by and large what I will remember is the overpowering tenderness, the withholding and the unspoken yet utterly heartfelt emotions all corkscrewed together with a fiery passion.

In a weird way Diego is what brings them together and what could tear them apart. His loss is a sore than needs lancing in the worst way, and I appreciated that nothing about doing so was easy for Joel. Diego was his first love and even though he loves Paulie with every part of himself that doesn't diminish what he had with Diego. All too often it seems the norm to minimize past relationships so it was refreshing to see the road less traveled taken here.



I would be remiss if I didn't mention the secondary characters. First and foremost, the Midwest. Both Joel and Paulie are born and raised in the Nebraska/Kansas area and they're going to school in Oklahoma. As a fellow red state dweller, I appreciated the atmosphere McLellan created, how important it is to both of them to stay because in spite of the politics and the redneckery it's still their home and has a beauty they both can't imagine living without.

And then there's Travis and Alex and David McDavid and Aunt Ruth and Daria all of whom got under my skin. Even their parents as much as I abhorred their parenting, they weren't made into villainous caricatures, just human. I was so happy to learn of a sequel with Travis and (hopefully) his ginger cowboy. May there be much spanking!

Simply put, I loved it and if any of the above gibberish speaks to you then give Controlled Burn a try and hopefully it'll make as much of an impression on you as it did me.



An ARC was provided by NetGalley.

[Wendys Wycked Words · Rating 4 out of 5]

Well...this book was definitely more angsty and emotional than I expected. This is a book about loss, but also about love...

Joel (21) has been grieving the death of his boyfriend for 3 years now. He doesn't let anyone close anymore and only has casual hookups. He hasn't really been living...more like surviving I would say.



This is when he meets Paulie...who is quite the opposite. I liked Paulie, he was sweet and fun.  These two go from friends to lovers. But Joe, he is so stuck in his grief that he doesn't know how to deal...which turns him into an asshole on more than one occasion. I spend a lot of my time pretty pissed off at Joe.



I can understand grief....but grief doesn't excuse everything. Thankfully Paulie wasn't a complete doormat, though he accepted way more crap than I ever would have.

Now even though this book managed to make me really angry, it also managed to make me sad and in the end happy....which is what I actually look for when I am reading a book. The more emotions the better !!



Another plus was the steam..for those who would like to know. This book definitely had it's HOT moments :P

My reviews are posted on Dirty Books Obsession

[Ele · Rating 4 out of 5]

3.5 stars rounded up because this was a nice debut novel from a very promising new author. Erin McLellan's words are beautiful, albeit unpolished sometimes. There's a rawness to her writing style that's so on point, I found myself totally invested for the most part of the book.

If there's one thing this book gets right, it's grief. You know, when you can't let go because that means moving on without the person who's not here anymore. So you keep latching onto little things, which become BIG things but you still can't let go. You just can't let go because you still love a dead person. Simple as that. This book got this.

Joel just can't let go. Three years ago, his boyfriend's death cost him his family, his name, his whole life. For these last years, Joel has been existing instead of living, hooking up with everyone available, harboring this huge secret. And then, along came Paulie.

I loved Paulie. He's a bit femme, outgoing, sweet and so much fun! Paulie will start tearing down Joel's walls.

Other things that I liked:

-Joel and Paulie's relationship evolved very naturally. I liked the steady pace at which they became friends, and eventually boyfriends.

-The steam! This is a very steamy read with some hot and heavy man on man action.

-The secondary characters. Even the parents are very well crafted; realistic but not ridiculously evil. The dynamics in Joel's family are the perfect example of why family relationships can never be black or white. I also LOVED Travis! Whatever happened to his ginger cowboy? Something tells me we might get his story in the future.

-Overall, there is a constant tension that makes this book a page turner. Despite my niggles, the angst was delicious sometimes and I found myself really invested in the story.

What didn't work:

-I feel I would have liked this more had it been shorter. It was a pretty long book and Joel's inner thoughts got repetitive. It took forever for Paulie to learn Joel's secret. So many times he went back and forth about revealing the truth but decided against it, it got so old after a while.

-Sometimes Joel and Paulie would say the most cruel things to each other. I know they 're young and not really experienced in the relationship department, but how do you get back from "Could you maybe tone it down a tad?” (he means the femme thing),
or

"Well you certainly begged for it like a . . . like a—”
“Like a slutty little faggot?” he asked, voice quiet and deadly.
“Exactly!”" or

“And guess what? He’ll actually fuck me like a man." (referring to another guy because Joel didn't want to top at first)

Dunno, I just couldn't get over all these despite the characters apologising to each other. And not having Paulie's POV didn't help at all.

For the folks that don't like seperation periods, or the MCs hooking up with other guys, know that you 'll find both here. But NO cheating.

Overall, I did enjoy Controlled Burn. Do I recommend it? Yes, I do, if you like relationship angst. Will I read more from this author? Definitely!

[Simone - on indefinite hiatus - · Rating 2 out of 5]

Uh-oh, this won't go over well... Where is my baggie???

First of all, as for me I don't write books. I know exactly why, and I respect and admire everyone who takes the plunge and begins to write. That is the reason why it pains me to give a debut novel such a low rating. The author definitely deserves an A for effort, but there were just too many things that did not work for me. This BR with my lovely ladies Karen, Josy, Christelle and Dani should have been the icing on the cake at the end of my vacation before I have to go back to work next week and this story was predestined to tick all of my boxes, but sadly it didn't...

I will skip a summary and just say something about my feelings for this book. Let's start with what I loved about it...

Paulie. Yes, femme-y and a bit flamboyant Paulie. Normally not my favorite type of character in my books and maybe he was sometimes a bit too good to be true, but he was absolutely the highlight for me. I'm still not quite sure if Joel deserved him after everything he put him through...

And that's it pretty much. Okay, not exactly true. Sidecharacters like Travis and Aunt Ruthie were awesome as well and the ending was a bit better than the rest, but not enough to save the whole story for me.

Sooooo, as to the things that did not work for me... This might end up in a rant, so please keep reading at your own risk. ;-)

The story started well enough for me, but right from the beginning something felt off. I didn't really feel it. I mean, I was prepared to get my heart ripped out and I surrounded myself with piles of tissues, but I didn't need a single one. No, quite the contrary, because halfway through the book a punching bag would have served me better, but I'll get to that later. There were just too many coincidences to make it believable for me and the story got a bit too constructed and even predictable.

The writing style was overall okay, even great sometimes, so much so that there were passages where it wowed me...

Maybe love was just an illusion anyway, like Jigsaw puzzles that looked like a picture or a painting from a distance. But the closer you got, the more visible the cracks. Wasn't until you shined a light on it that the illusion fell apart.

..., but sometimes it got a bit weird and even sounded like some kind of trashy novel. I mean which guy in his right mind and especially at the age of 21 has a thought like this?

My heart bounced into my throat. Like... oh God, it was like Cupid had shot it from my chest into my mouth with the flick of a wrist. I could open my mouth and hand my heart to him.

I don't know if it should have been poetic, but for me this was just another facepalm-inducing moment. :(

The sex scenes made me alternate between chuckling and facepalming -yeah well, sometimes both at the same time- and honest to God that never happened to me before. Not once. This might bear relation to the writing style, I don't know, but to imagine Paulie's liquid consonants and sexy kitten noises while bottoming out was just... too much. 

And than there was Joel... I get that grief will take a long time for someone to overcome it in order to move on. I even get that Joel felt guilty for sexting his former boyfriend, while Diego was driving, which led to his brutal death. But his guilt trip lasted for almost 90% of the story and his hot and cold attitude towards Paulie just started to piss me off after a while and Diego got way too much page-time for my liking. At some point I couldn't stand to read his name anymore. To be honest, I don't even get why Joel loved Diego in the first place and I wondered if he just sugarcoated their relationship in his memories or if it was some kind of twisted hero worship, because the way he described Diego sounded pretty much as if he would have been quite an asshole. 

Joel's revelation about his twisted perception regarding his love for Diego came out of thin air for me as well. We only get his POV during the whole story and the author took her sweet time with the description of his inner conflict, just to move his realization towards the ending somehow off-page? Sorry, but I didn't buy it... :(

Well, misery loves company and I was so glad that I had my girls reading this with me. Thank you so much, my lovely ladies, because without you all, I would have given up a long time ago. And a special thank you to Vir for providing us with some hot pics, which definitely lightened the mood a bit. ❤️ 

[Christelle · Rating 2 out of 5]

The blurb looked good and the reviews are enthusiastic. Alas, this one was a miss for me.

Joel is 21 and grieving his childhood first love, Diego, who died in a car accident at 18. So much that he closed off to everybody and ran away. In his new place, he meets Travis, his roommate and later on, Paulie and the three of them become friends…well as much as Joel lets people be his friends.
But after a while, Joel lets Paulie in his bed. And in his head, which is a real struggle for him as the only one he allows himself to think about, dream about and cling to is Diego.

It started well (even very fast) and the introduction of Joel, Paulie and Travis was really promising. But Joel’s inner turmoil evaded me for such a long time that I couldn’t interact with Joel for most of the story, and I only had to take his grief for granted and dealing with his constant hesitation to move forward and open up to Paulie. I was at lost and, by 75%, exhausted by the constant presence of Diego and by Joel’s self-centered behaviour and idealistic memories.

I’m glad I persevered though. Self-sabotage, introspection and growing got in the mix : finally, some development to chew on. Granted, it felt rushed and could have been deeper, but after this long crossing of the desert, it was really welcome.

I’m saddened. The writing was good, the premises deliciously angsty and the characters interesting (the sunny, vulnerable but strong Paulie, Travis, Paulie’s aunt and even Joel) and the ending was awesome. But the balance between the what and the why as well as the execution didn’t work for me.

Thanks to Karen, Simone, Josy and Dani for this BR and to Vir for her stalking. Your presence made me go until the end !!

[Jewel · Rating 3 out of 5]

​ ​You can't outrun yourself..​

Controlled Burn​ is about learning that holding onto the past so tightly makes the present and the future meaningless. And it's about guilt. So much guilt.

When Controlled Burn first popped up on my radar, I was drawn to it. The cover and the blurb just called to me. I saw so much potential in the story that I had to read it. And it was good for a debut novel. I do think that this author has seriously good potential, so I will be keeping an eye out for her future books.

Controlled Burn tells the story of two college students who have never really had relationships and who are both damaged by events of their pasts, as they figure out who they want to be to each other and with each other. It's a long road, especially for Joel, who shuts down or deflects anytime conversation wanders into the past.

​​J​oel did his best to run from his past, but at the same time, he held onto it so tightly, it was like Joel of today was just going through the motions. ​​I never really understood why Joel worked so hard to keep his past concealed. Why he held onto his guilt with both hands.

Joel needed counselling badly. He also needed to cut ties with his parents because they were toxic. They laid the guilt on thick for his role in Diego's death. Newsflash -- no one forces a person to read a text message. Diego made that choice all on his own, and he paid a steep price. Joel's parents should have gotten him therapy. Instead, they fed him buckets of blame and snide comments and a metric ton of guilt. Guilt for causing Diego's death. Guilt for being gay. Guilt for not sticking around to be their emotional punching bag. Guilt for not being good enough (in their eyes). It's not worth it. Do they come around in the end? Yes, or at least they were putting forth the efforts to not be such awful people, but I don't see the hurt they caused being healed overnight, and I'm not entirely sure I bought their change of heart.

Paulie seemed less damaged, on the surface, but he, too, had issues that were related to his upbringing. He's not on speaking terms with most of his super-religious family. The gay is just too much for them. When he was 14 he moved out to live with his aunt, who was also a pariah. She was great and not only let him be himself, but greatly encouraged it. Paulie, because he's effeminate, has had to deal with so many assumptions and a lot of bigotry. He's been told he's not a real man, every one of his hookups, before Joel, assumed that Paulie was a bottom, and no one ever put Paulie first. Not his family, not his hookups, and not Paulie, himself. He always put others first, even when it wasn't all that healthy to do so.

Controlled Burn​ had ​a lot of potential,​ I think. The writing was decent, both main characters were damaged by their pasts, and I generally liked their personalities however there are few things that just didn't ​click with me.

​The overall story seemed a bit long and repetitive. Joel wore his guilt like a burial shroud and he wallowed. And Diego was like a third MC. I got so tired of Diego. Especially when Joel was being intimate with Paulie or when Joel was avoiding talk of commitment. He used Diego as an excuse to hold himself back, and after a while, I just wanted him to stop being so damn selfish.

I did like Joel's 'come to Jesus moment', near the end, and that he finally decided that he needed to move forward with his life. And I was thankful to his best friend, Travis, who wasn't afraid to tell Joel that he was being an idiot.

Overall, I loved the premise of Controlled Burn and how the story started, and I loved how it ended. And the rest, I would have enjoyed more if it hadn't felt so repetitive.


​------------------------
ARC of Controlled Burn was generously provided by the publisher, via NetGalley, in exchange for an honest review.

[*J* Too Many Books Too Little Time]

DNF @ 22%

Going to call it quits on this one for now. It just wasn't holding my attention.

I also didn't feel much of a connection to either of the MCs.

I paused it to read another book, but I still don't really feel like picking this one back up.

There's just too many books and too little time to force read anything!

[Line · Rating 3 out of 5]

I think I have a legit crush on Paulie and I would give my right arm to know someone like him IRL. This dude... Maaaaan, this dude was just so AMAZING and kind and giving and loving.
Joel, on the other hand was... Wussy? Complicated and his actions, or his inaction as it was, didn't always make complete sense to me.

I think this book was quite amazing at times and it read very REAL and authentic, but that is basically also why I was more than a little ragey at times.

Joel and Paulie's families were more than a little disgusting and wastes of space -IMO.
The way Joel was treated after Diego died, the guilt that his mother piled on top of him, on top of the rest of the shitshow and her selfish, disgusting behavior had me questioning why on earth he would continue spending time with her. Especially considering all of her little digs.
I get that he felt guilty and that it was supposed to be a sort of punishment for Diego's accident, but for him to make amends with his parents when he was finally getting better and leaving the past behind made me question his desire to move forward.

I really wish authors would stop peddling this shit, that we're supposed to just love these idiots and forgive them everything, because they're blood.
You're supposed to love your kids unconditionally, but Joel's parents sure as hell had a lot of conditions!
Another thing that made me roll my eyes was the attempt to make Paulie's 'incubator' seem human. Seriously, FUCK these religious fucktards with even MORE conditions than the Apple terms of Agreement.
It didn't move the story forward, just made me question what the point was other than to feel sympathy for a woman basically saying that Joel can't tell Paulie that she wants his picture, because they will never love him.
Like, what the freaking FUCK?????
*phew* Rant over, but fuck these people!

This book was also much sexier than I anticipated, and it came as quite a surprise. Though Joel's hangups had me cringing more than once, and his thoughts about Diego were almost dragged for far too long, considering his relationship with Paulie.

All in all though, Travis and Paulie carried this story for me, and I am really looking forward to Travis's story! He read like such an interesting character and GREAT friend and I cannot wait to see what happens with his cowboy!

[Lost in a Book · Rating 5 out of 5]

If I could make it rain with stars, I totally would for this book. It was sooooooo good. I typically approach read-for-review books differently than I do non-review books. I go into the reading experience with the mind frame of making sure I highlight, take notes, stay focused, etc… However, I was captivated by this book from the very beginning and was unable to approach it from any other way than completely immersing myself in the world that was Joel and Paulie.

The synopsis for Controlled Burn is what pulled me in with all its angst, broken characters, and chance for redemption. The premise was so unique that I couldn’t stay away and I am freakin’ thrilled that I didn’t. So. Damn. Good.

Joel is going through life suffocating under a blanket of grief. The death of his high school boyfriend (Diego) causes him to live every day burdened with guilt. To numb the pain he hooks up enough to escape but not to fully forget because forgetting would mean losing Diego all over again. Joel is at college when he meets the unapologetically “swishy”, Paulie.

"It hurt knowing that someone else was filling that broken chasm that Diego had left behind. It hurt to care for someone and want someone like I had once cared for and wanted him. I wasn’t ready to replace or lose Diego and didn’t know if I’d ever be.”

Joel is unable to resist the charming and confident, Paulie who inserts himself in his life. Paulie has a lot of baggage as well but they worked beautifully together. They found home in each other. Just like with any home, nothing stays perfect. There is angst. A lot of angst. Cracks form in the foundation of their relationship from secrets and lies and soon their walls begin to crumble. The grief, guilt and struggles Joel encounters throughout were so authentically written and Paulie, fierce and fragile tries to hold on before it all slips through his fingers.

There was a lot of sex in this book and they had great chemistry. But it wasn’t like typical sexy books. In here, there was SO much emotion in every touch and kiss that it was almost as essential to them as their next breath. So much of their unease is wrapped up in sex so it’s only natural that they communicate their fears, guilt, and love through it.

Joel and Paulie aren’t the perfect couple and their journey was realistic. They had huge obstacles to overcome and sometimes that meant continuing the journey alone. Luckily they had some awesome friends and “family” to pick up the crumbling pieces. Even during those times, the love they felt for each other was heartbreakingly clear. Controlled Burn is all about them finding their way home; not to a perfect house with a white picket fence. But to an imperfectly perfect home that’s held together by blood, sweet, tears and ultimately love.

As a warning, although there isn’t cheating, there is an MC separation. Also, there is a trigger warning for depression and suicide attempts for a secondary character. I would definitely recommend this book for those that love romance with a side of angst and a huge helping of fierce love. I look forward to potential books in the future with the amazing cast of secondary characters. *Making it rain with stars*

ARC provided by NetGalley in exchange for an honest review.

[CrabbyPatty · Rating 5 out of 5]

I'm stunned to learn that Controlled Burn is Erin McLellan's first novel. I absolutely love McLellan's writing and the way this story unfolds. Joel's first love was his high school boyfriend Diego, but Diego was ashamed of being gay and in small-town Nebraska, they hid their love. As Joel later recalls, "Even as a teenager, I had been locked so securely in the closet with Diego I’d never let my guard down."

After Diego's tragic death, Joel goes to college, keeping people at a distance because he is terrified of letting go of his secrets, and grieving by shutting down his emotions and using sex to "screw the memory of my dead boyfriend out of my head.” When he meets Paulie in a class and they slowly become friends ("I could do this. I could be there for Paulie. I could be a good friend. I didn’t have to close myself off all the time.") and then gradually into lovers, there is just something so fragile and beautiful about how Joel feels about Paulie, how he treasures this "sweet beautiful boy" who "looked like home, and nothing had looked like home in a very long time." The sex is incredibly hot, but in McLellan's hands, it is also touchingly sacred:

... until Paulie, I had forgotten that sex could mean something. That making yourself vulnerable for another person was a gift, not a perfunctory stepping-stone to orgasm.

But memories of Diego keeps Joel from accepting joy in his life, and accepting Paulie's love. Joel feels he can't share his past with Paulie ("The lies kept me safe, kept me in control.") and isn't ready for Paulie to surplant Diego. Joel's struggle to accept love and give love is so wonderfully played out in Controlled Burn and there were moments reading this book that I actually sobbed because I was so deeply moved.

5 stars for Controlled Burn, and I highly recommend it. Also the author is working on a second book about Travis, Joel's roommate, which I am really looking forward to reading.

I received an ARC from Riptide Publishing, via NetGalley, in exchange for an honest review.

Stop by my new blog, Sinfully Good Gay Book Reviews

[Elsa Bravante · Rating 4 out of 5]

Me ha gustado mucho, creo que es una buena novella debut. Joel y Paulie arrastran un pasado tormentoso, cada uno por circunstancias diferentes, que supondrá, fundamentalmente para Joel, un escollo muy grande que salvar para tener una relación. A lo largo del libro nos vamos a encontrar conflicto, angst, muchas emociones, y dos personajes que me han despertado mucha mucha ternura, fundamentalmente Paulie con ese encanto y esas ganas de querer.
A los que les guste el New Adult, el angst y los libros con muchas emociones, creo que les gustará. Voy a estar pendiente de esta autora

[Fabi NEEDS Email Notifications · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is a debut book? Oh boy. Expect some great things from this author.

This book pulled so much emotion out of me. Hot and heartwarming wrapped in a blanket of delicious angst.

I love coming of age stories. Joel and Paulie are 21 and 23 years old. Two typical college boys who form a friendship based on a shared college class.

As they fall for each other and their backgrounds are slowly revealed, we see that 'typical' is only surface deep. These boys have dealt with more in their young lives than the majority of middle aged people have ever seen. I felt the weight of their challenges.

I'm such a momma duck wanting to always say 'follow me, follow me' and shelter all the youngin's under my wing. Reading any story with less than supportive families gets my feathers all riled up.

I'm so proud of these boys for standing up for themselves when they needed to. For being there for each other when it really mattered. For having the strength to face their families firm in who they are.

*sigh* I just adored these two. And if that wasn't enough to completely steal my heart, when they came together sparks ignited and caught fire.

When you read as many books as I do back to back, the sex scenes become skimmable. Sad but true. So what makes a sex scene stand out for me? Emotions, feelings, reactions. Gasps and groans and screams. Gritted teeth, gripped sheets and an overpowering urgent need to be together, with each other.

These guys were hot 🔥🔥🔥together!

For the first 80% of the book it was a solid five star read for me. A few niggles before it concluded were: 1. I thought at least one of them, if not both, could have benefitted from grief counseling. 2. I was sad about the difference between Paulie's sister's relationship with their parents as opposed to his own. 3. I found Joel's parents a little unbelievable. Especially his father.

As you can see, the niggles are minor in the grand scheme of the plot. It remains a solid M/M romance story. I am looking forward to Travis' story next.

Erin McLellan is a wonderful new addition to our list of M/M romance authors.




Review ARC graciously provided by Riptide Publishing via NetGalley

[Alisa · Rating 4 out of 5]

I love finding new authors who's writing works for me and I'm happy to say this one did. When Joel was a teenager he was in love with his best friend Diego. They lived in a small, rural town so they kept their relationship hidden. This all ends when Diego dies in a car accident and his phone is found and all their sexts are released to the public. Joel's entire life crumbles around him and the poor kid is put through hell.

The start of this book catches up to him three years later. He's gone away for college, changed his name and he never tells anyone his story. He has few friends and only has meaningless hookups. Joel is drowning in grief. He hasn't moved on at all. And maybe, most importantly, he doesn't want to. He loved Diego with all his heart and his memories and grief are all he has left of him and he's not ready to give those up.

Joel meets Paulie in one of his classes and circumstances lead them to being friends. Over time they start to have feelings for each other. It's not an easy road though. Because as much as Joel cares for Paulie he still holds on to Diego. It's a road of self discovery and unfortunately Joel hurts Paulie and himself more than once. (the author makes these boys Work for their hea).

I loved Paulie as a character. He was such a nice, sweet guy and his patience and understanding of Joel's issues were touching. I also really liked Joel. I didn't always like the things he did but I understood them and I think the author did a very good job showing his grief. He was not only grieving Diego's death but he was grieving the loss of his dreams, the future life he wanted. The positive relationship with Paulie also serves to highlight how his relationship with Diego was lacking by them having to be in the closet and due to Diego's self hatred (due to his parent's religion). It makes Joel angry that he was never able to have that with Diego and that is another layer to his grief. It also leads to mixed feelings about his current relationship.

Both Paulie and Joel have complicated family relationships and the story showed how things are not always black and white. Sometimes you hurt the one you love on accident. (That being said I still think both sets of parents were assholes)

This book was very emotional and pretty angsty. It deals with a lot of serious issues and some parts were a bit painful to read. If you're like me and you love angsty reads you should check this out. I think this was really good and an excellent debut novel. I can't wait to read more from this author. (here's hoping Joel's roommate Travis gets a book)

**ARC provided through Netgalley in exchange for an honest review**

[Karen · Rating 2 out of 5]

2.5 stars rounded down to 2 because still no 1/2 stars here on GR.

I'll just be over here in my box, with a few of my friends...

This was another awesome buddy read with my besties...Josy, Christelle and Simone and made even better when the lovely Dani joined us...sadly this didn't turn out to be an awesome story for any of us...but, hey that's just us. A lot of people who read this book...well, they loved it and I'm not here to say they're wrong because this is yet another case of differing opinions and while I just couldn't get into this story I'm also not here to say it's bad...just that it didn't work for me.

Unfortunately there was a big chunk of this book that we all found didn't work. So if you've read Simone or Christelle's reviews I'll apologize now if things occasionally feel repetitious and also add that I will do my best to be somewhat original at least, ok?

Let's start with what I liked as my friend Christelle said the start was fairly good. We were drawn in fast and got to meet the MCs both Joel and Paulie fairly quickly and I liked that we were there when they met. Joel's roommate, Travis was one of my favorite characters and I have to admit if he got his own book I'd be seriously tempted. Even more than Travis though I liked Paulie.

Paulie was what many would term effeminate in the world of men but more than this Paulie was incredibly brave and strong. His life was for sh*t and still he found the good in the world and he continued to put himself out there and be positive, he just kept trying...now don't get me wrong he wasn't 'Mr. Perky Pants' but given the life he had trust me...he was pretty damned awesome...not perfect. There was actually a point at which I was a little frustrated with how he'd behaved but all things considered it was one moment that even he recognized as a moment of 'a$$hattery' and owned up to it and that quite possibly made me love him a tiny bit more.

I was also pretty taken with Paulie's aunt...she was wonderful and the mom that Paulie should have had, Paulie's sister while she had a raft of her own issues I wanted to hug her and feed her milk and cookies. She adored Paulie and that alone got her brownie points in my world.

The other thing that worked fairly well for me was the ending and by that I mean the last 20 - 25% of the story. It was definitely the best part of the book, mostly because after the first part and by this I mean maybe 5% my tickity boo was was on hiatus.

Ok, so the first 5% got us off to a reasonably good start and the last 20 - 25% was also fairly good...mmmmm....that leaves us with 70 - 75% of 'what the hell?' and this mostly revolved around Joel which that wasn't the problem...because Joel was one of the MCs. The main MC, if you will.

Take 2 on this part of my review because...whoa!!! Way to ramble Karen. It was epic...no actually I thought it was tedious so I scrapped it and I'm going to attempt to share what the issue was with this book for me using a lot less verbiage.

Hopefully in fewer words I'll try and explain why for me it was a matter of 'less is more'. For a big chunk of this book we were in Joel's head as the entire story is told from his perspective and if I'm going to be in someone's brain for that long I need them to make progress to move forward and while Joel may have been doing that externally. Internally it felt like he was wallowing in the past and I finally hit the wall on how many feelz I had to give. Trust me when I say I am truly not a cold hearted biotch. I can empathize and sympathize with the best of them. I can give you a list of books that have reduced me to tears practically from cover to cover...hell, I can give you a list of television commercials that repeatedly reduce me to tears...30 seconds that's all it takes.

With Joel unfortunately I felt him wallowing in his grief and guilt and going nowhere for too long and even when it seemed like he'd started to move on, it didn't feel like it. It wasn't about him loving Diago, that never bothered me although I did question how much his love was reciprocated but at this point that's water under the bridge and that Joel would always have a place in his heart for his first love...well anything else would have been just wrong.

My other problem became...the sex. Sorry, it was at times over the top and some of the descriptives well I have to admit I might have held out a little longer than the rest of my buddy read gang, along with my eye rolls there was a face-palm or two going on. I understand that Joel and Paulie are college age and libido's are in good working order but I have to admit a few of their encounters could have been off page or fade to black and I would have been fine with it and probably appreciated what happened on page a bit more. So really, it was once again a case of less is more and I fully acknowledge that this is entirely a personal preference issue as well.

Once again ladies thanks for sharing the adventure...but at the end of it all...I found myself frustrated by what should have been an 'I loved it' story for me written by a new author who in spite of all my ramblings here I do sincerely believe has the ability to write a story that will either reduce me to tears or have me over the moon with joy...or who knows maybe both. I look forward to finding out.

********************
An ARC of 'Controlled Burn' was graciously provided by the publisher in exchange for an honest review.

[haletostilinski · Rating 5 out of 5]

*** ARC provided by Netgalley in exchange for an honest review ***

Wow!

I really really loved this one. I actually wasn't expecting much from this because I don't know this author and the summary didn't give enough away for me to be expecting a lot from this. But it was wonderful.

The angst hurts, and how long it takes Joel to get past the death of his high school boyfriend three years prior to the start of this book. It's understandable, but because of that he treated Paulie like shit sometimes, especially with what broke them up for a time - yes, they break up for a time and Paulie is with another guy briefly (although thankfully we don't have to suffer through much of that) but they work it out in the end - and I hated reading his thoughts that were like "I loved Paulie, I did, but not like Diego. I don't think I could ever love anyone like Diego" and I was like fuckin' hell. I hated that - but thankfully he realizes that is nOT true.

I absolutely loved Paulie, btw. He was so kind and good and sweet - and never deserved Joel's bullshit - and exactly the love Joel needed to find after what happened.

I was pissed at Joel for a lot of this because of how he lied to Paulie about Diego and what happened for so long when he had no reason to, and just ended up causing more problems than there needed to be. But I loved that when they broke up Paulie said "I deserve to be more than second fiddle, I won't be a consolation prize" and i was like FUCK YES BOI! SAY IT LOUDER!

As painful as it was to read these two apart - because I did love them together, so much. They had the best chemistry and the sweetest moments together - It was needed for Joel to realize what he lost and that he had been acting like a complete idiot for months.

This story is an excellently written, engaging (seriously couldn't put it down last night and only RL intruding made me put it down) love story about two damaged college boys who help heal each other (Paulie more than Joel, yes, but I think in ways Joel helps Paulie too, who doesn't have a great past either) and make each other better, healthier individuals, because of the adoring, sweet love they share.

and tbh, I don't know why Joel held onto Diego for so long, as horrible as it is to say, because what we were told about Diego and his and Joel's relationship...Diego didn't seem like the greatest guy. The guy obviously had his own demons, yes, but like Joel eventually says, they wouldn't have made it work in the long haul. I wanted to cheer when he realized what he had had with Diego was a child like, innocent first love, while what he had with Paulie was adult love, was real love. Not to say first loves can't be amazing, but...more often then not, your first love isn't gonna be the one you end up with. It's usually the second (or more, depending) person you fall in love with that is real and lasting. That's what Joel has with Paulie.

Man I loved this. It was an amazing story, and it has a happy ending (which is the only way I can handle angst, if we have happiness at the end ;)), so be prepared for a lot of angst, with a great happy ending.

This book was everything I love about romance books and more *happy sigh*

DEFINITELY recommend, 100% - if you can get an ARC, then do it now. If not, get it the minute its published and read it. So worth it <333

[Jaime · Rating 4 out of 5]

"Maybe the degree of separation between euphoria and heartbreak was miniscule".

Controlled burns are used to stimulate a fresh start

The symbolism of the title is highly appropriate for this story of learning to live again when your life has been drastically changed.

Controlled Burn is the first book I have read by this author and I will be on the lookout for more from her in the future. This book follows two MCs who are college age, both who have had trauma in their past, both doing the best they can. Their pairing is one you would not expect and the author does a fabulous job of blowing sterotypes all to hell!!



The Romance & Angst ~

This is a really romantic story for guys of this age - also lots of angst which clicked with me!

"Maybe love was just an illusion anyway, like jigsaw puzzles that looked like a picture or a painting from a distance . But the closer you got, the more visible the cracks. Wasn’t until you shined a light on it that the illusion fell apart".

The Chemistry ~  between Joel and Paulie was pretty scorchin'

"He undid me. Weak. He made me so fucking weak...Urging him to take me there. Take me to oblivion, where no one existed except him and me.

"I held his precious face in my hands and kissed him like I loved him and wanted him and couldn’t breathe without his breath".

Overall, this is a solid romance story and if you enjoy high angst, new beginnings, and friends-to-lovers this should be a win for you! I do wish the ending went further into the future and that we got to see Joel lay his past to rest. Even without those aspects it's still a 4 star story that I recommend!



❥❥**´¨)
¸.•´¸.•*´¨) ¸.•*¨)
(¸.•´ (¸.•`*Review Copy provided by Riptide Publishing in exchange for an honest review.
Reviewed by Jaime from Alpha Book Club

[Debra ~~ seriously slacking on her reviews ~~ · Rating 4 out of 5]

Originally reviewed at Sinfully.

What a wonderful debut from Erin McLellan. Centering around 21 year old Joel and 23 year old Paulie, both juniors at college who have so much more in common than just winding up in the same class. Like any good New Adult story should be, it’s romantic and heartbreaking and has its fair share of angst and sex.

Joel is wracked with guilt over the death and subsequent outing of his first love Diego three years ago and he can’t break free from his memory and the loyalty he still feels to him. He blames himself for the accident that killed Diego, for outing their relationship and for all the horrible things that resulted. He has moved away from Kansas to Oklahoma and changed his name in an attempt to run from it all. Joel’s parents really dropped the ball after the accident and media circus that descended upon Joel when he was eighteen. Instead of offering him support and counselling, they piled on the guilt and accusations, lashed out at his homosexuality and pretty much blamed him for their divorce. Though his mother technically chose Joel over his father, she makes it clear that she is not happy about it. His father seems to be the typical bully and even when he seems to be offering an olive branch, his motives can’t be trusted.

Paulie grew up in a fringe religious community and at fourteen, his parents happily got rid of their disappointing sinner of a son, doing him a favor and delivering him to his Aunt Ruth and having no contact since. She has been a mother to him since, is loving and understanding, but that doesn’t erase the damage his parents have done and the slight hope that he may someday be a part of his family. I couldn’t help but fall for Paulie’s character from the first time he speaks.

As Joel and Paulie start spending time as friends and eventually as lovers, Joel can’t help but compare his relationship with Diego. Paulie is the opposite of Diego, out and a bit flamboyant, open with his emotions and proud to be with Joel. Paulie is full of optimism and light where Joel is constantly fighting the little voice in his head reminding him of how he is betraying his love for Diego with every new step he takes with Paulie. Joel has romanticized things with Diego even as he acknowledges that things were far from perfect.

Told from Joel’s POV, there is plenty of angst and the majority of the struggle is from within Joel. He is still severely suffering from the grief and trauma of Diego’s death and its aftermath. He is a character that desperately needed grief counselling, but instead got nothing but blame, guilt and shame thrown at him from everyone involved. The guilt still consumes him and his growing love for Paulie is feeding the flames. As if that isn’t enough, Joel’s mother is pushing for a family reconciliation over the holidays. There were some times where Joel’s thoughts were repetitive, but overall I enjoyed the way bits and pieces of his past came out in his thoughts.

There is a lot of sex in this book (some of it is quite steamy too!) but then again, both are in their early 20s and Joel uses it as a way to deflect questions, express the love he feels but can’t talk about and calm the turmoil inside. But that only works for so long. Paulie is smart and as Joel’s truths come out, Paulie sees more than Joel is willing to let on. I could feel the hurt of Paulie realizing bit by bit that he’s not the only lover in Joel’s heart and mind and how he sees it every time Joel pulls away. When the inevitable blow up of Paulie and Joel’s relationship occurs, it certainly didn’t happen the way I expected it to. When it does occur, it was painful and the hurt cuts so deep on both sides.

While there is plenty of angst there was also a lot of lightness and fun. Joel and Paulie get along so well both before they hook up and after and Joel’s roommate Travis is a delight whenever he’s on page. Paulie’s aunt and sister welcome Joel with open arms and he is able to let himself really relax around them, something he would never have been able to do with either his own or Diego’s family. There are so many layers to each character, not just the main ones, but Joel’s parents and Paulie’s family as well. Nobody here is perfect (except maybe Aunt Ruth) and they all felt very real. The Midwest landscape comes alive in the writing as well.

The story ends quite happily after all that pain. I’ll be on the lookout for the next book from Erin McLellan, and I certainly wouldn’t mind if it happened to be about Travis and the red headed cowboy he’s been pursuing.

[Elsbeth · Rating 3 out of 5]

*2,5 stars*

This book.... For me this book had the potential of being great. But sadly it wasn't



I do love angsty emotional books but dammmmn being in Joel's head was too much. Maybe it was the first-person-writing, the continuing POV of Joel. There was no escaping from it. No light. I don't like feeling like that. The story may have needed Paulie's POV. I thought he was awesome. The light in Joel's life.....

Thank heavens Joel got to his senses at the end. The lucky SOB. Honestly, he drove me mad.

[Rosalinda *KRASNORADA* · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is going to be weird...

When I read the blurb I could not understand all those good reviews because the blurb bored the hell out of me... I am so glad I ignored myself and read the book anyway.

I'd say I enjoyed this so much because it felt real. Do you know when you read a book and all those characters are super perfect or they are perfectly broken and made just to please the readers? This is not one of those books, characters felt real which is something I appreciated. I didn't like Paulie at all but somehow he managed to make me fall for him... hard. He was my favourite character in the end, he tried to please everyone all the time even when it hurt him and I loved how he handled the break up and what he did with Alex because let's face it guys, that's what happens in real life

This story deals with religion and with parents who are not very open minded to say the least. I also loved how the author treated this part of the plot, it felt real. I kind of understood Joel parents position and please don't take me wrong, I am not saying I agree with them, I am just saying that I kind of got where they came from and I appreciated the efforts they made to accept what was going on in Joels life.

Paulie's parents though... But somehow I felt sorry for his mother, she was wrong and she could have fixed things by herself so I won't excuse her behaviour BUT I still felt sorry for the kind of life she chose to live

The writing was superb, I can't wait to read more books from this author.

So yeah, I recommend this one :)

[Josy · Rating 2 out of 5]

The best thing about this book was that I got to read it with my awesome BR ladies Karen, Simone, Christelle, and Dani. Without them, I would have DNFed it and I hate to do that.

Again, I am the lazy one and point you to the reviews of my amazing ladies because they all share the box of shame with me and have already explained why this didn't work for us.

Karen's review
Christelle's review
Simonw's review

[Catherine · Rating 4 out of 5]

*** 4.5 Stars ***

I thoroughly enjoyed this book and these characters. Erin McLellan knows how to write a story that doesn't feel like you've read it a thousand times before. There's a lot of angst in this one, but there's enough sweetness and smexy times to balance out the heartbreak and set everything back to right.

[Melissa · Rating 4 out of 5]

I was provided an ARC from the publisher via NetGalley in exchange for an honest review.

I just have to say WOW, this was an amazing debut novel for Erin McLellan. I love the cover (it's so perfect!) and the title makes sense now that I've read the entire story. I just loved these guys! The whole time I read this I felt all warm and squishy, LOL. Joel and Paulie are great together. There is no insta-love here, so don't worry. They start off as casual friends (Paulie basically dumfounds an agreement from Joel to be a back up note taker, just in case Paulie misses a class, he wants to borrow Joel's notes, so he better be good!), and then as they spend more time together at the club, feelings start to develop. Joel has been suffering from the death of his high school boyfriend and has not been ready for a serious relationship and so has stuck to casual hookups. Until Paulie.

And oh boy, are they electric together. The characters were written realistically and as much as some of their decisions angered me, I understood them. Paulie stays with Joel, even knowing that Joel is still suffering from Diego's death, that he still loves Diego. When Paulie says "I love you," Joel doesn't say it back, even though he desperately wants to. But he can't say it yet because it would mean letting Diego go, and he can't. The lack of return "I love you" hurts Paulie, and Joel knows it. It's obvious Paulie want's the words, but he doesn't push, doesn't question. There is a scene where Paulie is sick with the flu where he tells Joel that "he [Joel] won't keep him," meaning that Paulie knows he is only temporary in Joel's life, that despite how much Paulie loves him, it's not enough to get only half of Joel in return. I hated the fact that Paulie stayed with Joel for as long as he did, hurting and waiting, but I understood it - he didn't want to give up; he loves Joel and couldn't say goodbye.

There are several heartbreaking moments between these guys, and with Paulie's family too Paulie's parents + religion = not accepting of gays or willingness to reduce the # of children. Paulie has 8 sisters and twin boys are the youngest. Holy cow! When Paulie announced he was gay, his parents basically told him to hide it, or choose to be straight. Paulie ran away to his aunt Ruth who welcomed him.

(“When I was thirteen, I called my dad’s sister, Ruth. I’d never met her. She was the only one of my dad’s siblings to leave the fold, and I had to use the computer at the library to find her number. I think I said to her, ‘I’m so gay it’s not even funny.’)

Daria, who is a year younger than Paulie, left too when she was 17 and went to live with Aunt Ruth. Daria is not an emotionally stable person and Paulie worries about her a lot. A lot of the story is about their relationship.

The conflict is not just with Paulie and his family, or later between Joel and Paulie. There's also family drama angst with Joel's parents. After Diego's death and the kids being outed by the press in the aftermath, Joel's parents separated. Joel's father is a jerk, but as we see more of him, it's obvious he loves his son, he just doesn't understand him or how to relate to him. The only thing they have in common is their love of westerns - not much to base a bonding father/son relationship on. In the end, I think they will find their way, and they have a tentative start before the book ends.

“I was dating him because I love him...But Paulie made me feel normal and happy. And I screwed it up.”
“Sounds like you need to figure out a way to get him back, then, son. It’s not easy, though. Let me tell you.”

You can tell that Joel's father is trying, and it really touched me that he said this, even though he doesn't understand his son being gay, he wants him to be happy. This is why I think they will eventually form a tight bond with each other. It won't be for years to come, and it will take all those years in between, but one day they will have the relationship they both always wanted. Of course, the author could prove me wrong and write a sequel (there is room for that), but I choose to see HEA everywhere. :)

I highly recommend this and I can't wait to read more by this author. Oh, and there was a lot of sex, a lot, and after a while I skimmed those parts because, well, you know why.

For those who need to know, hehe, Joel and Paulie do break up for a while, and Paulie dates someone else in the mean time, and Joel finds out. It hurts him, but he doesn't blame him. Paulie (in a drunken drama depression) says some hurtful things to Joel. I was certainly shocked to hear those words from Paulie, and I didn't like it one but, no siree bob, but it was clear he was still in pain and lashing out. It was hard to see them be apart and hurting, but the make up later was nice.

[Emily Seelye · Rating 4 out of 5]

Joel’s high school boyfriend died in a car accident after making the choice to read a text message he’d sent while driving. Unfortunately, he and Diego were outed. He’s been living with shame and guilt ever since, and hasn’t been able to properly grieve.

In the aftermath, he’s changed his name and moved to another state. While sitting in his Ethics in Journalism class, he’s confronted with his past all over when his professor unknowingly chooses to highlight his case in class.

Paulie is a fellow student in his class, who is his note buddy, but they become friends as a result of this assignment. Unfortunately, Joel doesn’t come clean about the articles until it’s almost too late.

I love watching their friendship blossom into love, and watching Joel let go of Diego, though it’s not always easy.

This really was a beautiful story.

Recommended

*ARC provided by LesCourt Services

[Kazza · Rating 3 out of 5]

3.5 Stars

This book is too long for what it is, a contemporary New Adult romance. Too much teenage-style angst. They are in their early twenties but it is nevertheless teenage angst.

“Was that okay?” he asked.
It should have been. It had been hot as hell. I had come so hard I could hardly move. But now, in the aftermath, I wasn’t sure. So I didn’t try to answer. Instead, I said, “You’re really sensitive.” Color rushed up his cheeks, and I was disgusted with myself. Why couldn’t I just ease him for half a second and freak out in the privacy of my own head?

There is much too much being in Joel's head, it is solely his POV, and never in Paulie's. Too much self-flagellation from Joel about something that Paulie was right about, he would have been there for Joel. Travis would have been there too, and yet Joel did not lean on either of them.

“It’s okay if you never tell me, but, baby, I watch you shut down. It’s a physical thing, the way your eyes shutter and your body stills, and it is heartbreaking. But at least think about telling Paulie. He deserves your full self, you know? Even the bad or hard stuff.”

“Answer this, Joel,” he said, voice low and slippery in its anger. “Why did you hide your past from me? From everyone? I never asked you that. Why didn’t you tell me about Diego from the beginning? I’ve done nothing but be there for you. Why is it such a big fucking secret? Why! Why! Why are you such a scared little boy?”

Why, indeed.

There is an insistent nature to Joel's inner monologue and comparisons of sex and Paulie, life now and Paulie, guilt and Paulie all juxtaposed against a deified Diego. How wrong Joel is being to Diego's death and his memory.

Every time Paulie undid me with his sweetness and intensity, I felt bare, like he could peer into me and see my guilt. Guilt for killing the best thing that had ever happened to me. Guilt for wanting Paulie even more than Diego. Guilt for comparing them.

It hurt knowing that someone else was filling that broken chasm that Diego had left behind. It hurt to care for someone and want someone like I had once cared for and wanted him. I wasn’t ready to replace or lose Diego and didn’t know if I’d ever be.

This thinking is seen a whole lot throughout the book. It needed some stripping back. When someone we love with an intensity dies, especially suddenly or younger than we expect, it's pretty typical to place them on a pedestal and feel the what ifs and if onlys. That's Joel and what Joel does. I get it. However, it becomes difficult over 300+ pages of a basic college romance where the main voice can be frustrating and repetitive on a singular point. You need an incredibly strong or powerful narrator to pull this style of book off on their own, definitely more plot or secondary threads. I thought Paulie was pretty terrific, although there were a few barbed exchanges I didn't like so much - which came back to the teen-like behaviour - but there was a wall and a missing component without his POV.

Because of some soul-punching elements, some moments of lovely prose, and because I can see Erin McLellan is such a promising writer, I will definitely pick up another book of hers in the near future if the premise speaks to me. 3.5 stars.

The coyotes’ cries rose up louder, and Paulie smiled, delight shaping his expression into something innocent and beautiful. Then he noticed I was watching him, and his eyes widened. They were dark and fathomless in that moment. I slid my hand into his and turned my body toward him.

[Jo * Smut-Dickted * · Rating 4 out of 5]

This plot seems ripped out of current headlines - plausible and tragic. Emotions are high and the stakes are heavy - but the fundamental love story really moved me.

[Steph ☀️ · Rating 5 out of 5]

Loved! Loved! Loved this! 💗💗💗

***4.75 stars***

So if you couldn’t guess I loved this angsty book. Seriously at the end, even though I could understand where Paulie was coming from, I had to take a moment. Seriously my heart felt it was being ripped out just like Joel’s.

Here’s to hoping the author gives us a bit of an update on this couple in the next book 💜.

[La*La · Rating 4 out of 5]

For a debut story, this was very good! Emotional and well-written, though toward the end there was too much drama. But overall, I enjoyed this.