The Disconnected Man: Breaking Down Walls and Restoring Intimacy with Him

by Jim Turner

The story of one broken man's journey of self-discovery and his resolve to help other men before it's too late."Real, raw, honest." ―David Clarke, PhD, Christian psychologist and author of Married but Lonely Disconnected men hide out in plain in our churches, in our families and in our communities. They are competent, capable men who quietly 'do their duty' and attract little attention. They are fairly happy guys, relatively unemotional and capable of carrying heavy loads of responsibility, but are very difficult to get to know beyond superficial friendship. A closer examination inside their marriages reveals a desert strewn with emotionally emaciated spouses. While their competence may build the church, organize a group, or run a company, they haven't the slightest notion how to connect intimately with those they love. Their wives suffer, usually in silence, while the church and culture press past this couple secretly falling apart. Jim Turner was that disconnected man going about his life, happily fulfilling his duty within his own self-protective bubble, until God suddenly burst it in a most horrific way. His story starts when that devastation left him clinging precariously to the remaining shreds of his broken marriage. Jim longs to share with other disconnected men what he learned through that ordeal, to help them understand their disobedience and show how they can achieve real connection with those they love.

160 pages, Hardcover

Published December 12, 2017

Reviews

[Dave Weiss · Rating 5 out of 5]

I got this book as a review copy from the publisher because I thought it looked interesting. When I first started reading it, I thought I made a mistake, because I thought it was for women. I read a little further and thought it was for me, but slowly I came to the point of realizing it just might be for me.

This book is about men who disconnect relationally from others, especially from their spouses. The reason for my early confusion is because Turner sort of jumps back and forth between writing to the disconnected man and then writing to the women who love them. To be perfectly honest, I thought I was doing well in most of the areas this book explores but after reading them, I can see that a. I have come a long way, and b. I have a long way to go. This may be one of the most helpful books I have ever read. I truly believe every man should probably read this book, because Turner delves deep into the blindspots many of us carry.

This is not some over your head, psychological self-help book. This is a book written by someone whose been there. It is full of the author's personal examples and battle scars. The book manages to walk the line between extremely challenging and extremely rewarding. I can't say I enjoyed this book. That would be like saying I enjoyed surgery. What I will say instead is this is an important book that I am glad I read. Men, read this book. Women, if you find yourself having a hard time with your relationship, don't separate, read this book.

[Carlie · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book is one of the best examples I have ever experienced of feeling like someone "gets" what I am experiencing. This author is a Christian man who has been on both sides of the fence, both disconnected and an enlightened re-connected man. It feels almost too good to be true that someone could go from so incredibly removed emotionally and also unaware of it....to the compassionate and completely lucid narrator of this book who understands exactly the difference between true connection and openness and the faux connected behavior of guy just trying to get along. Mr. Turner lost his wife over this emotional zombie behavior and I can totally understand why she left. Its excruciating in the most eviscerating way to try to survive on fake love and to stay there offering love to an out of reach spouse. The only downside to the book is that it is really only offering tangible steps of healing and restoration to a man and wife who know about the problem, both agree and are working to consciously patch the holes and build a new model. If the man either isn't aware or isn't ready to work on it, the best he has to offer is the important but delicate and difficult advice that if you have it in you to stay, get as healthy as you can and pray for your man...its the only real thing that there is to do. He also humbly admits that not everyone can stay and that he does not blame his ex-wife for stopping when she did, he truly broke her and left her very injured emotionally. Maybe someday this book will be a practical guide for me. Right now, its a very comforting and affirming voice that helped me feel understood and very seen. I think I'll be giving a copy to my priest and counselor. Thank you, Jim.

[Waldo Malan · Rating 5 out of 5]

Every once in a while you stumble across a book that changes your life, and then you treasure that book with a special place on the read-again shelf. Jim Turner's honest (brutally honest) sharing of his experience as an emotionally challenged man touched the very heart of this issue, and in the process, exposed this as a condition more common than we would like to think.
This book is a must-read for every man who believes their relationships are good and solid - it may well be, but it may also benefit from Jim Turner's experience and insight.
This book is a must-read for every woman struggling with a disconnected man in their lives - all is not lost and a healthy relationship is possible.
This book is a must-read for any man that yearns to be known as a good friend.
The issue really is not whether the reader believes himself to be disconnected or not, but rather that all his relationships can be strengthened, given a new lease on life, and experience growth!
Jim Turner writes honestly, simply, and to the point. It is an 'easy read' from the point of view that it is not presented as an academic thesis, yet at the same time, the content makes it a 'serious read' that will often require passages to be re-read.
This book will definitely be on my re-read shelf!

[Edna Perkins · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was like simply a recording of the facts of what I'm looking at and going through for me in my life. To make it more hopless, he's not a Saved man which deepens the hopelessness I'm feeling. But one comfort in this is I've gained a realistc perspective from 'the horse's mouth'. Facing this loss will be a sad but necessary reality.

I highly recommend this book for both men and women seeking clarity, help or clousure. Thank you Holy Spirit for the author.

[Stephanie · Rating 3 out of 5]

Wasn’t what I was looking for and mostly about this one man’s story

[Beth C · Rating 5 out of 5]

“A disconnected man is one who is unaware that he is nonrelational, distant, and emotionally unavailable.” p xvi

“A disconnected man, on the other hand, already feels satisfied within himself, and he believes he's meeting the needs of others by his hard work and faithfulness. He doesn't feel a pressing need for relational connection, so he can't identify with those who are not getting it from him. He is not focused on his own need, as a narcissist is. He is simply unaware that others have needs he could and perhaps should meet but isn't. He is also unaware that he has very deep unmet needs himself, because that part of him is buried. A disconnected man hurts people because he doesn't have the equipment to connect with them. A narcissist hurts people because he uses them for his own gratification.” p xvii

“He desires to overcome any obstacle blocking your happiness, but he truly doesn't see that the real obstacle is his own disconnection.” p xix

“Disconnected men have happy, locked-up hearts.
Disconnected men typically seem to be happy, carefree, and lighthearted because they have an incredible capacity for stuffing things into emotional boxes or locking them into encrypted vaults that no one has the code to. I know this because I lived it. I was a master encoder of my emotions-so good that no one could crack my security. All my hurts, insecurities, and anxieties were guarded so safely that even I couldn't break in and access them. It was as if I had devised a hideously complex security code and then completely forgotten how to decipher it.
Everything emotional in my life was so securely locked away that my heart was like one big empty mausoleum of dead feelings. Even when I wanted to feel something, I often found myself wandering around in an echo chamber of lost sentiment.” p 2

“Imagine skipping through life having almost nothing bother you deeply or break your rhythm. Picture constant lightheart-edness, fun, nonchalant happiness, carefree joy, and a resiliently healthy temperament.” p 20

“The disconnected man is disconnected because feeling hurts too much. We mask our emotions and guard them so we don't have to hurt.” p 53

• How can you make disciples in obedience to Christ's command (Matthew 28:19) if you don't enter into relationships?
You can't.
• How can you love your wife as Christ loved the church (Ephesians 5:25) if you don't engage in deep intimacy with her? You can't.
• How can you love God with all your heart, soul, mind, and strength (Luke 10:27) if you are afraid of close connection?
You can't.
• How can you diligently teach your sons when sitting and walking and lying down and rising up (Deuteronomy 6:4-10) if you have no relationship with them? You can't.
• How can you love your brothers and walk in the light
(1 John 2:11) without relationship? You can't. p 79

[Sarah · Rating 4 out of 5]

"The Disconnected Man" by Jim Turner is a great book. Really. At first, I wasn't sure i would benefit from it as a female, but then I really learned a lot about men who disconnect relationally from others, especially their wives. Honestly, this isn't a book slamming men, the author writes from his own perspective and gives clarity on the subject. This book is perfect for the man in your life to see the areas where he is doing really well and the other areas where their may be things that bring awareness. I think this book is very helpful and I know my husband would enjoy this book. As I said before, Turner writes this book with taste and it isn't meant to be as a slame.
This book is honest and even raw at times, but Jim has been there, he has battle scars and it's very personal. Wives if you think that divorce is the answer, grab this book and read why your man has disconnected or read together. Don't throw in the towel. This provides great insight. I give this book 4.5 /5 stars.

[Brandi K. · Rating 2 out of 5]

His humility is appreciated. He does have some insight. But he puts WAY too much emphasis on WOMEN fixing the problem. (The book is mostly written to women—the primary audience and purchasers of this type of book).

My argument: if a man is disconnected it is within HIS power and responsibility to connect.

Putting the responsibility to connect him in the hands of others (usually their wives), the author implies men remain ineffective victims of culture and upbringing. The book is also repetitive, just like most Christian subculture non-fiction. Written to sell, not necessarily to actually help.

[Bradley · Rating 1 out of 5]

The audience for the book is hard to nail down - the author claims it is written for both the women who love disconnected me as well as the disconnected men themselves. I would have liked to see input from women who love disconnected men if it is to talk about how women can help their men. I would expect to have studies referenced in a book of this topic. I would also expect more in the way of how to break out of disconnectedness and into connectedness. I came away with the notion that the way to connect with my wife is to pray and find friends. I wanted to share this book with my wife, but I think it would be a waste of her time to read it.

[Deborah Lane · Rating 4 out of 5]

Description fit my step dad, who was so emotionally distant from us. He demanded total obedience , obeyance without thought. Adherence to his way of life, thoughts, actions. He provided for us, took us to cultural events, church, church school and beat us regularly to boot. I saw him as I read this book. It is well written, and I got the direction of where the book lead me. Recommended to men and to the women who try to understand them.

[Matt Klotz · Rating 5 out of 5]

I would give anything to go back and read this (and understand it) when I was 25. I read it after I started my journey of curiosity of myself and why I did the things that I did. This will also be helpful to any women out there that are struggling to connect with their man/loved one. The author offers hope, along with some useful tips for yourself and your love one during the difficult journey that your loved one will go through to find himself.

[Lauren]

A friend shared this after a conversation about an extended family member. The book was fairly short and quick to read. It was addressed to both the “disconnected man” and his wife at alternating and sometimes coinciding times. As a female, it was interesting to consider one man’s journey from “doing” and “disconnection” to his reflections and encouragement from further down the road. I appreciated the prompting questions at the end.

[Jonathan Fontenot · Rating 3 out of 5]

It had some good points.

I guess I'm not the target audience for the book, as I was never as bad off as the author. Still, some of these themes were good to meditate on. The most helpful thing was describing my marriage from my wife's perspective. It prompted a good conversation.

[Jill Collins · Rating 5 out of 5]

Finally- someone put words & reasons to all my hurt

I have struggled for years with disconnected men starting with my father- then my first husband and now my second. This book helps me see hope. I haven’t felt hope in years. Godly perspective with raw vulnerable experiences- this is a must read for every lonely wife feeling she isn’t enough for her husband.

[Tena · Rating 4 out of 5]

I won this in a GOODREADS giveaway! #GoodreadsGiveaway

[Beth · Rating 3 out of 5]

There are good ideas in this book. It is probably too dramatically written for my disconnected man to connect to, but it might have given me a few insights.

[John · Rating 5 out of 5]

Not for everyone, but if it applies it is helpful. Not easy, mind you, but certainly helpful.

[Dora Okeyo · Rating 5 out of 5]

Reading this book reminded me of the way a friend once described his dad. He said "our dad provided for us, we never lacked anything, but you know what's odd is that in all our lives, we never talked to him, like really sat down and talked."
I wanted to read this book because it piqued my interest. I wanted to know who a disconnected man was, how to reach out to such a person and better yet what prompted the author to write this book. It's got great insights on life and the power of relationships, but more so the work that goes into sustaining those relationships and this is where the disconnected man faces his greatest challenge.
I sought out this book on NetGalley and thanks to the Publishers and the site, I had an opportunity to move beyond my hurt and anger and to seek out how to connect with my friend.