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South of Forgiveness: A True Story of Rape and Responsibility
One ordinary spring morning in Reykjavik, Iceland, Thordis Elva kisses her son and partner goodbye before boarding a plane to do a remarkable thing: fly seven-thousand miles to South Africa to confront the man who raped her when she was just sixteen. Meanwhile, in Sydney, Australia, Tom Stranger nervously embarks on an equally life-changing journey to meet Thordis, wondering whether he is worthy of this milestone. After exchanging hundreds of searingly honest email messages over eight years, Thordis and Tom decided it was time to speak face to face. Coming from opposite sides of the globe, they meet in the middle, in Cape Town, South Africa, a country that is no stranger to violence and the healing power of forgiveness.
South of Forgiveness is an unprecedented collaboration between a survivor and a perpetrator, each equally committed to exploring the darkest moment of their lives. It is a true story about being bent but not broken, facing fear with courage, and finding hope even in the most wounded of places. Personable, accessible, and compelling, this is an intense and refreshing look at a gendered violence, rape culture, personal responsibility, and the effect that patriarchal cultures have on both men and women.
South of Forgiveness is an unprecedented collaboration between a survivor and a perpetrator, each equally committed to exploring the darkest moment of their lives. It is a true story about being bent but not broken, facing fear with courage, and finding hope even in the most wounded of places. Personable, accessible, and compelling, this is an intense and refreshing look at a gendered violence, rape culture, personal responsibility, and the effect that patriarchal cultures have on both men and women.
322 pages, Hardcover
First published March 8, 2017
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February 18, 2017
What is this about?: South of Forgiveness is well, about forgiveness. Thordis Elva was raped by her then boyfriend Tom Stranger when she was 16. This book chronicles their meeting in Cape Town, South Africa and their attempt to find their peace and their forgiveness.
What else is this about?: Rape culture, about date rape, about the effects of it and the struggle to get past it. Thordis is brutally honest in her accounts of what Tom did and how it changed her. And, here’s what I never thought I’d be typing: so is Tom.
Rape is an action that is about power, about a man (or woman) taking what they want sexually without consent. It’s terrifying and unforgiveable.
But, what South of Forgiveness has taught me is that I, we, have no right to judge how survivors cope with rape. It’s not about what we think, it’s about what makes it possible for them to go on every day, to find peace or solace or … whatever they are seeking for their sanity. As their loved ones, we have to let them take that journey, support them and love them and let them know they’re safe.
I judged it, you will too
Before opening the book, I had judged it, Thordis and Tom. But by the end, I knew that I might never truly understand their relationship, but I could not help but admire the strength of them both in putting their story out into the world. Let me be clear, Tom raped Thordis, and this is not a defence. Telling his part in the story does not diminish what he has done or absolve him of it, but he is telling his story in an effort to ensure people learn from it.
It took a long time for me to understand my reaction to him in this book.
South of Forgiveness is told by Thordis and Tom, in alternating chapters that chronicle their past together and their meeting in Cape Town, South Africa. This is about how they journeyed towards a sense of peace between themselves and in themselves and most importantly, it’s their story. You will ask what happened that fateful night, and why he wasn’t arrested and while they are touched on in the book, it’s not the important part of the story.
As a whole, there is a big difference in the way Thordis and Tom write, for she is an accomplished author in Iceland. Her chapters are filled with the details of the world around them in Cape Town, of Tom physically, and her noticing a group of men watching her intently in Cape Town. Tom’s chapters are turned inward, to where his grief and self-loathing exist in an effort to make his peace with it, in a way, something Thordis does want for him. But both are essential to understanding their story.
Cape Town
South Africa is called the Rape Capital of the World, so it is ironic – or apt – that they find themselves there in an effort to find peace and reconciliation between themselves. When the book opens, it’s been eight years of emails before they decide to make this trip, and both are filled with trepidation. Thordis describes her fiance’s reservations and her parents, but also their support. Tom is a nomad of sorts and he is already there in Cape Town when she arrives.
Their meeting is strained, and the book follows them as they wander through the city, telling each other of life before they met and life after. Thordis traces her failed relationships and her decisions back to Tom and his raping her, while Tom does the same. Her story looms large for me, as I think she is a remarkable, strong woman (and not to mention Woman of the Year in Iceland in 2015). While Tom’s story seems lesser within the chapters in the book, it isn’t. I'm not quite sure how to talk about him, but I focus on the fact that Thordis forgives him.
Tom does not know why he raped her. He couldn’t really acknowledge what he did do to her for a long time. He is anchorless in the book, looking for something (forgiveness) before he can make himself stop, and allow himself a life and someone else to love. It’s clear he wants to give Thordis whatever she needs from him in their conversations, but it is harder still for him to acknowledge that she doesn’t need the pedestal he’s placed her on as the person who was wronged int heir relationship.
How do you forgive?
South Africa is the country in which I was born and lived until I was 18. South Africa is also a country whose history is steeped in inequality and apartheid, and the country bears its wounds in their society and culture, and their art and writing. It’s ironic to read of Thordis’ caution and her noticing the men in Cape Town staring at her, while she is in Cape Town with the man she knew that raped her. This history is interspersed in their travels in Cape Town until it comes to a head in Robben Island, the prison where Nelson Mandela lived for 27 years. On a tour there, it emerges their guide is a former prisoner, tortured and imprisoned for 7 years there. They ask him if he could forgive his jailors, and his answer is simple: Yes. Because that’s how you move forward.
Until this point I have never been able to understand how Mandela, or any prisoner could forgive, but in that moment, reading that line I did.
Their journey
With the agreement to share their story and their situation, there is nowhere for Thordis or Tom to hide within the pages of this book. As a result, the writing here is brutally honest, for to be any less would be a disservice to each other. These chapters are stark and uncompromising, each relating how difficult it is to meet, and how nervous they are. This journey and their relationship (through emails) isn’t a journey without fights and arguments, but it’s also clear how hard they attempt to make this work for both their sakes.
Slowly, as the book progresses there’s a certain ease that creeps into the chapters, as they pass each milestone for instance, like Thordis noticing their knees touching in a bus, or Tom sharing that he told his parents and their reactions. As a result, there is an overwhelming sense of progress, of a long journey that is on it’s way to an ending of sorts for both of them. It charts how their writing evolves, from chapters filled with tension to one that are fragile almost, for by the time they leave, they are these new, different beings heading out into the world without the rape hanging out about their necks. They do not let it define them anymore, and the choice to go public, to teach others of their experiences is them both taking their control back from that night.
Tom Stranger raped Thordis Elva. There is no changing that fact, or the horror you may find at feeling yourself understand this man (or you may hate him more, that’s fine too). But Thordis and he are standing on the world’s stage telling their story and if someone, anyone learns something positive from it, learns to change, I think it’s a story worth telling – and we’d have both of them to thank for that.
What else is this about?: Rape culture, about date rape, about the effects of it and the struggle to get past it. Thordis is brutally honest in her accounts of what Tom did and how it changed her. And, here’s what I never thought I’d be typing: so is Tom.
Rape is an action that is about power, about a man (or woman) taking what they want sexually without consent. It’s terrifying and unforgiveable.
But, what South of Forgiveness has taught me is that I, we, have no right to judge how survivors cope with rape. It’s not about what we think, it’s about what makes it possible for them to go on every day, to find peace or solace or … whatever they are seeking for their sanity. As their loved ones, we have to let them take that journey, support them and love them and let them know they’re safe.
I judged it, you will too
Before opening the book, I had judged it, Thordis and Tom. But by the end, I knew that I might never truly understand their relationship, but I could not help but admire the strength of them both in putting their story out into the world. Let me be clear, Tom raped Thordis, and this is not a defence. Telling his part in the story does not diminish what he has done or absolve him of it, but he is telling his story in an effort to ensure people learn from it.
It took a long time for me to understand my reaction to him in this book.
South of Forgiveness is told by Thordis and Tom, in alternating chapters that chronicle their past together and their meeting in Cape Town, South Africa. This is about how they journeyed towards a sense of peace between themselves and in themselves and most importantly, it’s their story. You will ask what happened that fateful night, and why he wasn’t arrested and while they are touched on in the book, it’s not the important part of the story.
As a whole, there is a big difference in the way Thordis and Tom write, for she is an accomplished author in Iceland. Her chapters are filled with the details of the world around them in Cape Town, of Tom physically, and her noticing a group of men watching her intently in Cape Town. Tom’s chapters are turned inward, to where his grief and self-loathing exist in an effort to make his peace with it, in a way, something Thordis does want for him. But both are essential to understanding their story.
Cape Town
South Africa is called the Rape Capital of the World, so it is ironic – or apt – that they find themselves there in an effort to find peace and reconciliation between themselves. When the book opens, it’s been eight years of emails before they decide to make this trip, and both are filled with trepidation. Thordis describes her fiance’s reservations and her parents, but also their support. Tom is a nomad of sorts and he is already there in Cape Town when she arrives.
Their meeting is strained, and the book follows them as they wander through the city, telling each other of life before they met and life after. Thordis traces her failed relationships and her decisions back to Tom and his raping her, while Tom does the same. Her story looms large for me, as I think she is a remarkable, strong woman (and not to mention Woman of the Year in Iceland in 2015). While Tom’s story seems lesser within the chapters in the book, it isn’t. I'm not quite sure how to talk about him, but I focus on the fact that Thordis forgives him.
Tom does not know why he raped her. He couldn’t really acknowledge what he did do to her for a long time. He is anchorless in the book, looking for something (forgiveness) before he can make himself stop, and allow himself a life and someone else to love. It’s clear he wants to give Thordis whatever she needs from him in their conversations, but it is harder still for him to acknowledge that she doesn’t need the pedestal he’s placed her on as the person who was wronged int heir relationship.
How do you forgive?
South Africa is the country in which I was born and lived until I was 18. South Africa is also a country whose history is steeped in inequality and apartheid, and the country bears its wounds in their society and culture, and their art and writing. It’s ironic to read of Thordis’ caution and her noticing the men in Cape Town staring at her, while she is in Cape Town with the man she knew that raped her. This history is interspersed in their travels in Cape Town until it comes to a head in Robben Island, the prison where Nelson Mandela lived for 27 years. On a tour there, it emerges their guide is a former prisoner, tortured and imprisoned for 7 years there. They ask him if he could forgive his jailors, and his answer is simple: Yes. Because that’s how you move forward.
Until this point I have never been able to understand how Mandela, or any prisoner could forgive, but in that moment, reading that line I did.
Their journey
With the agreement to share their story and their situation, there is nowhere for Thordis or Tom to hide within the pages of this book. As a result, the writing here is brutally honest, for to be any less would be a disservice to each other. These chapters are stark and uncompromising, each relating how difficult it is to meet, and how nervous they are. This journey and their relationship (through emails) isn’t a journey without fights and arguments, but it’s also clear how hard they attempt to make this work for both their sakes.
Slowly, as the book progresses there’s a certain ease that creeps into the chapters, as they pass each milestone for instance, like Thordis noticing their knees touching in a bus, or Tom sharing that he told his parents and their reactions. As a result, there is an overwhelming sense of progress, of a long journey that is on it’s way to an ending of sorts for both of them. It charts how their writing evolves, from chapters filled with tension to one that are fragile almost, for by the time they leave, they are these new, different beings heading out into the world without the rape hanging out about their necks. They do not let it define them anymore, and the choice to go public, to teach others of their experiences is them both taking their control back from that night.
Tom Stranger raped Thordis Elva. There is no changing that fact, or the horror you may find at feeling yourself understand this man (or you may hate him more, that’s fine too). But Thordis and he are standing on the world’s stage telling their story and if someone, anyone learns something positive from it, learns to change, I think it’s a story worth telling – and we’d have both of them to thank for that.
February 17, 2018
This is a very complicated, emotionally charged book that will make you feel incredibly uncomfortable in a lot of different ways.
It’s a bizarre project. I totally understand the idea of wanting to confront this person and meet and find a way to put it behind you. But flying to South Africa, a place very far from both of you, to do it? Spending a week doing it?
But then, everyone approaches things in their own way. Who are we to decide what fits someone's forgiveness, someone else's redemption?
This book and the authors' talks have gotten a lot of controversy. But I'll say this: I don't agree with any of it. First of all, no one- not rapists, not murderers- are as bad as the worst thing they have ever done. And every survivor of violence is entitled to find their own way, including Thordis. If this is what works for her, who are we to judge?
I also strongly agree with everything Thordis says in defense of the project. The way the world talks about rape, the focus is on the survivors, which forgets the why rape exists: i.e. rapists. Rape survivors cannot prevent rape. Only rapists can prevent rape. So it's time we stop treating sexual violence as a women's issue. Rapists are predominantly men. Why doesn't that make it a men's issue?
Furthermore, blindly condemning, for the rest of their life, a rapist as nothing more or less than a rapist is so futile. If we refuse to allow them to come out and admit it and allow them to take responsibility and make amends, how can we as a society ever hope to change the fact that rape happens? If all men refuse to talk about rape, if women are the only ones talking about it, then we are left with this. Many men don’t even understand that they’ve raped someone. So they need to start talking. To own up. To put themselves on display the way many victims do. To talk to each other about it, as women talk about sexual assault among themselves.
Another thing. You go into this book assuming you will sympathize with Thordis, and hate Tom. You do both in part, but their respective roles as “rapist” and “survivor” do not dominate over the fact that they are both people. I was surprised to find that on a personal level . . . I liked Tom a lot more than I liked Thordis. Though to be honest, I can’t say I liked either of them deeply.
Tom was, occasionally, selfish in what he wanted (his comment that he hopes the trip will end all communication between them—considering Thordis plainly has come to depend on their emails, and has a lot of complicated feelings towards their constant communication, and frankly I think she loves him a bit— didn’t need to be said).
Then Thordis is just painfully petty at times. She 100% has the right to be angry at him for raping her. But the level of unrelated pettiness she gets to at times is just staggering and irritating. Also, she’s deeply judgmental of people in general. And sanctimonious. And very fond of muttering nasty little comments in her head.
On the other hand, even if I don’t personally like them, I admire and respect them both. Yes, even the rapist. Everyone is more than the worst thing they’ve ever done. Both Thordis and Tom embarked on this incredible project to confront themselves, their own vulnerabilities, their dark, complicated history, and come out the other side. And try to share their story with other survivors and rapists to open dialogue up.
And the ending is very rich and satisfying. And I definitely had better feelings toward both of them by the end than I did at the beginning.
Lot of complicated feelings in this book, basically.
It’s a bizarre project. I totally understand the idea of wanting to confront this person and meet and find a way to put it behind you. But flying to South Africa, a place very far from both of you, to do it? Spending a week doing it?
But then, everyone approaches things in their own way. Who are we to decide what fits someone's forgiveness, someone else's redemption?
This book and the authors' talks have gotten a lot of controversy. But I'll say this: I don't agree with any of it. First of all, no one- not rapists, not murderers- are as bad as the worst thing they have ever done. And every survivor of violence is entitled to find their own way, including Thordis. If this is what works for her, who are we to judge?
I also strongly agree with everything Thordis says in defense of the project. The way the world talks about rape, the focus is on the survivors, which forgets the why rape exists: i.e. rapists. Rape survivors cannot prevent rape. Only rapists can prevent rape. So it's time we stop treating sexual violence as a women's issue. Rapists are predominantly men. Why doesn't that make it a men's issue?
Furthermore, blindly condemning, for the rest of their life, a rapist as nothing more or less than a rapist is so futile. If we refuse to allow them to come out and admit it and allow them to take responsibility and make amends, how can we as a society ever hope to change the fact that rape happens? If all men refuse to talk about rape, if women are the only ones talking about it, then we are left with this. Many men don’t even understand that they’ve raped someone. So they need to start talking. To own up. To put themselves on display the way many victims do. To talk to each other about it, as women talk about sexual assault among themselves.
Another thing. You go into this book assuming you will sympathize with Thordis, and hate Tom. You do both in part, but their respective roles as “rapist” and “survivor” do not dominate over the fact that they are both people. I was surprised to find that on a personal level . . . I liked Tom a lot more than I liked Thordis. Though to be honest, I can’t say I liked either of them deeply.
Tom was, occasionally, selfish in what he wanted (his comment that he hopes the trip will end all communication between them—considering Thordis plainly has come to depend on their emails, and has a lot of complicated feelings towards their constant communication, and frankly I think she loves him a bit— didn’t need to be said).
Then Thordis is just painfully petty at times. She 100% has the right to be angry at him for raping her. But the level of unrelated pettiness she gets to at times is just staggering and irritating. Also, she’s deeply judgmental of people in general. And sanctimonious. And very fond of muttering nasty little comments in her head.
On the other hand, even if I don’t personally like them, I admire and respect them both. Yes, even the rapist. Everyone is more than the worst thing they’ve ever done. Both Thordis and Tom embarked on this incredible project to confront themselves, their own vulnerabilities, their dark, complicated history, and come out the other side. And try to share their story with other survivors and rapists to open dialogue up.
And the ending is very rich and satisfying. And I definitely had better feelings toward both of them by the end than I did at the beginning.
Lot of complicated feelings in this book, basically.
August 16, 2019
This was a hard book for me to read. Lets be honest - people don't like to talk about rape and the rape culture that we live in today. I feel like Thordis and Tom did an amazing job at telling their story - it was raw, real, honest and even spiritual. It was actually healing for me. I wish this book would be required reading in our Jr. High schools - we need to educate our boys on what rape is and what the consequences are for both people involved in this horrendous act. I think this book opens a space to have real conversations about rape and educates us on its effects, both as a victim and a perpetrator - and even how those roles can reverse. I love Thordis' words, "It's about time that we stop treating sexual violence as a women's issue."
June 17, 2019
I hear Thordis and Tom in a TED radio hour on Forgiveness and I am currently in training to be a volunteer on my local rape crisis center phone hotline. The topic resonated (obviously) and I thought this might be a good book to pick up. I am also thinking alot about restorative justice and Thordis's approach to Tom is unique in that she is less vindictive than one would expect and open to discussion, rather than punishment.
The book does a great job of explaining their complex relationship; both at the time of the 1996 attack and during their "reunion" in 2000. I think it highlights a lot of the intricacies faced by survivor and attacker when they share mutual friends and acquaintances and are faced with each other into the future. Learning that over 90% of survivors know their attackers, the reality of having to face each other is very real and the honesty with which Thordis presents her own rationale and behavior in 2000 is illuminating. It makes perfect sense that her reaction to him 4 years later could be one in which she attempts to lash out at him and take back some of the control. I found myself wondering about whether we should consider her the sexual attacker in some of these later scenes: as she used her attractiveness to hurt him. Clearly the violence and pain she inflicted on him was less than he had inflicted on her, but the scenes do not exactly glow with mutual consent.
Ultimately, though this is a book about finding forgiveness and ability to move forward. Thordis and Tom go to great lengths to explore not just the events of that horrible night in 1996 and the summer of 2000, but the ways in which those events reverberated throughout both of their lives. The difference between Thordis's experience of having something done to her and Tom's experience of continually doing something to himself is accentuated several times, most poignantly I thought when Thordis expresses her frustration with his self pity: "I clench my jaw in discontent. There's a fine line between feeling sorry for having made a mistake and feeling sorry for yourself of having made a mistake. In my opinion, Tom crossed this line a few times in a our correspondence, which left me feeling pressured to take pity on him for being the horrible, unworthy, failure of a person he felt he was. Not only have I always found it ridiculous and out of place for me to pity Tom, but I also believe that if people settle into the idea that they're beyond salvation, it hinders them from doing constructive things with their lives."
Thordis is an amazing survivor who has done incredible work in this field; her ability to face her own demons and be willing to help Tom face his is remarkable. I think it also provides a great blue print for thinking about ways to continue to grow restorative justice programs; not when the survivors are unwilling, but as a way to move towards greater understanding and healing in society.
She also puts the rape in the context of rape culture and misogynistic value multiple times, most clearly here: "But you raped me because I'm a girl, a girl you felt entitled to. Something gave you the idea that your pleasure mattered more than my consent, even if I was too sick to consent to anything. I don't know why, Tom. But I believe it has something to do with the fact that men have more power and influence on all levels of society and that's how it's been for centuries. Perhaps this archaic tradition has caused people to adapt to the notion that men are simply more important that women. Perhaps that's why you felt that you and your lust mattered more than me, that night. From what I know, you're what most people would call a 'normal guy', which is why I believe this incident to be part of a much bigger picture where women have less value than men."
Overall it is a very important book that addresses a topic on which society needs to change. Talking about, pointing fingers at, and understanding the subtle ways in which we socialize boys and girls will help change the rape culture in which we live.
The book does a great job of explaining their complex relationship; both at the time of the 1996 attack and during their "reunion" in 2000. I think it highlights a lot of the intricacies faced by survivor and attacker when they share mutual friends and acquaintances and are faced with each other into the future. Learning that over 90% of survivors know their attackers, the reality of having to face each other is very real and the honesty with which Thordis presents her own rationale and behavior in 2000 is illuminating. It makes perfect sense that her reaction to him 4 years later could be one in which she attempts to lash out at him and take back some of the control. I found myself wondering about whether we should consider her the sexual attacker in some of these later scenes: as she used her attractiveness to hurt him. Clearly the violence and pain she inflicted on him was less than he had inflicted on her, but the scenes do not exactly glow with mutual consent.
Ultimately, though this is a book about finding forgiveness and ability to move forward. Thordis and Tom go to great lengths to explore not just the events of that horrible night in 1996 and the summer of 2000, but the ways in which those events reverberated throughout both of their lives. The difference between Thordis's experience of having something done to her and Tom's experience of continually doing something to himself is accentuated several times, most poignantly I thought when Thordis expresses her frustration with his self pity: "I clench my jaw in discontent. There's a fine line between feeling sorry for having made a mistake and feeling sorry for yourself of having made a mistake. In my opinion, Tom crossed this line a few times in a our correspondence, which left me feeling pressured to take pity on him for being the horrible, unworthy, failure of a person he felt he was. Not only have I always found it ridiculous and out of place for me to pity Tom, but I also believe that if people settle into the idea that they're beyond salvation, it hinders them from doing constructive things with their lives."
Thordis is an amazing survivor who has done incredible work in this field; her ability to face her own demons and be willing to help Tom face his is remarkable. I think it also provides a great blue print for thinking about ways to continue to grow restorative justice programs; not when the survivors are unwilling, but as a way to move towards greater understanding and healing in society.
She also puts the rape in the context of rape culture and misogynistic value multiple times, most clearly here: "But you raped me because I'm a girl, a girl you felt entitled to. Something gave you the idea that your pleasure mattered more than my consent, even if I was too sick to consent to anything. I don't know why, Tom. But I believe it has something to do with the fact that men have more power and influence on all levels of society and that's how it's been for centuries. Perhaps this archaic tradition has caused people to adapt to the notion that men are simply more important that women. Perhaps that's why you felt that you and your lust mattered more than me, that night. From what I know, you're what most people would call a 'normal guy', which is why I believe this incident to be part of a much bigger picture where women have less value than men."
Overall it is a very important book that addresses a topic on which society needs to change. Talking about, pointing fingers at, and understanding the subtle ways in which we socialize boys and girls will help change the rape culture in which we live.
October 19, 2019
This book had a lot of potential. It’s premise was quite unique- rape perpetrator and survivor engage in years of correspondence over the crime and then meet in person again to try and come to a point of forgiveness.
Unfortunately the writing style got in the way. It veered into purple prose too many times and... I hate to say it .... melodrama. I hesitate using that word because it seems to belittle the horrific experience the survivor went through. That’s not my intention. I just felt that she could have expressed herself in a more matter of fact way which would have been just as, if not more, powerful.
And I hate to say this but... Thordis comes across ( to me at least ) as deeply unlikeable. The purpose of this book isn’t to ‘like’ either of them, I know, but as a reader I needed to feel connected with the main author and that just wasn’t there. Her anger and outrage is there, and it’s understandable. But it seeps out in all sorts of ways. My guess is her life experiences have hardened her (again, understandable), but a few things irked me. Tom’s vegetarianism and her lack of understanding or support for it was irritating. Firstly, doing the typical carnist thing of trying to ‘catch him out’ or implying he is a hypocrite. (This is in reference to his shoes which she assumes are leather.) Then her goading of him to eat some of the pig skin on her plate. That was disrespectful and inappropriate.
But all this aside, the best thing about this book is the effort Thordis went through to make Tom see what he did was wrong and why. Male privilege and sense of entitlement are a toxic pairing. He could have easily gone through his life not giving a second thought to what he had done as being wrong in any way. But she was not going to remain silent on it anymore and that took a lot of strength and courage. Date rape and being violated by someone you cared for is insidious. Thordis and Tom’s story is an important one. I just wish it was delivered better.
Unfortunately the writing style got in the way. It veered into purple prose too many times and... I hate to say it .... melodrama. I hesitate using that word because it seems to belittle the horrific experience the survivor went through. That’s not my intention. I just felt that she could have expressed herself in a more matter of fact way which would have been just as, if not more, powerful.
And I hate to say this but... Thordis comes across ( to me at least ) as deeply unlikeable. The purpose of this book isn’t to ‘like’ either of them, I know, but as a reader I needed to feel connected with the main author and that just wasn’t there. Her anger and outrage is there, and it’s understandable. But it seeps out in all sorts of ways. My guess is her life experiences have hardened her (again, understandable), but a few things irked me. Tom’s vegetarianism and her lack of understanding or support for it was irritating. Firstly, doing the typical carnist thing of trying to ‘catch him out’ or implying he is a hypocrite. (This is in reference to his shoes which she assumes are leather.) Then her goading of him to eat some of the pig skin on her plate. That was disrespectful and inappropriate.
But all this aside, the best thing about this book is the effort Thordis went through to make Tom see what he did was wrong and why. Male privilege and sense of entitlement are a toxic pairing. He could have easily gone through his life not giving a second thought to what he had done as being wrong in any way. But she was not going to remain silent on it anymore and that took a lot of strength and courage. Date rape and being violated by someone you cared for is insidious. Thordis and Tom’s story is an important one. I just wish it was delivered better.
March 22, 2017
How do you go from hatred (for someone else as well as for yourself) to forgiveness and even some kind of friendship? This is a well-written, moving story.
It teaches so much. About rape, its consequences and its context, about guilt, and mostly it reminded me how strong humans are. I felt for both those souls.
It teaches so much. About rape, its consequences and its context, about guilt, and mostly it reminded me how strong humans are. I felt for both those souls.
March 27, 2017
Excellent book - well written, brave and truthful. This book is a breakthrough with a lot of wit and beauty as well as raw pain
April 28, 2017
My View:
An account of real life experience, a memoir of sorts, is hard to review - where do you start? How do you give a star rating? And that difficulty is increased when the subject matter is so personal and yet also concerns women and men, all over the world. These things I pondered for a while before I sat down and wrote my review. This is my personal opinion.
Firstly I have to mention how very courageous I think both parties are exposing their innermost thoughts and feelings to public scrutiny. Rape is an act of violence that is often very difficult to discuss, there are so many emotions surrounding the act and its aftermath; hurt, anger, fear, confusion, disgust, misguided feelings of self-blame that make this topic very controversial and difficult to speak about.
Not many will speak out and until more do the silence will continue suffocate this very real issue. Bravo to both authors for sharing their story. I hope it generates lots of discussion and creates safe spaces where others can share their experiences.
For me this is not just a story of rape, it is a powerful story of reconciliation and forgiveness. It is obvious to me that Thordis Elva has spent a lot of time working on her own mental health and that she is in a very positive and secure place, Tom Stranger…I think has a way to go on this journey or maybe that is just the opinion I formed because most of the dialogue in the book belongs to Thordis Elva, Tom Stranger seem to be a bit player in this narrative.
If you are looking for a voyeuristic account of a degrading act of violence – then you have picked up the wrong book. The act itself is not the main character, the process of finding forgiveness is. This act of forgiveness I find so alien to my way of looking at the world, of dealing with hurt…but it is evident from this account and others ( for example of victims of crime and perpetrators meeting and reconciling) that for some, this process is healing. Bravo again Thordis Elva.
If you want a very personal, almost clinical, very rational account of one woman’s powerful journey in life- then this book is for you.
An account of real life experience, a memoir of sorts, is hard to review - where do you start? How do you give a star rating? And that difficulty is increased when the subject matter is so personal and yet also concerns women and men, all over the world. These things I pondered for a while before I sat down and wrote my review. This is my personal opinion.
Firstly I have to mention how very courageous I think both parties are exposing their innermost thoughts and feelings to public scrutiny. Rape is an act of violence that is often very difficult to discuss, there are so many emotions surrounding the act and its aftermath; hurt, anger, fear, confusion, disgust, misguided feelings of self-blame that make this topic very controversial and difficult to speak about.
Not many will speak out and until more do the silence will continue suffocate this very real issue. Bravo to both authors for sharing their story. I hope it generates lots of discussion and creates safe spaces where others can share their experiences.
For me this is not just a story of rape, it is a powerful story of reconciliation and forgiveness. It is obvious to me that Thordis Elva has spent a lot of time working on her own mental health and that she is in a very positive and secure place, Tom Stranger…I think has a way to go on this journey or maybe that is just the opinion I formed because most of the dialogue in the book belongs to Thordis Elva, Tom Stranger seem to be a bit player in this narrative.
If you are looking for a voyeuristic account of a degrading act of violence – then you have picked up the wrong book. The act itself is not the main character, the process of finding forgiveness is. This act of forgiveness I find so alien to my way of looking at the world, of dealing with hurt…but it is evident from this account and others ( for example of victims of crime and perpetrators meeting and reconciling) that for some, this process is healing. Bravo again Thordis Elva.
If you want a very personal, almost clinical, very rational account of one woman’s powerful journey in life- then this book is for you.
April 16, 2018
One of the most remarkable books I've ever read: co-authored by a rape victim and her rapist (though both object to those labels and, in particular, to being defined by them).
I first heard about this book on the car radio on Woman's Hour, with both of them appearing together on it to tell their story. I was so gripped that when I got home I stayed in the car to hear it to the end.
They met in Iceland when Thordis Elva was 16 and Tom Stranger - an Australian - was 18. After becoming boyfriend and girlfriend, he subjected her to a brutal two hour rape when she was insensible with drink. He then returned to Australia and both their lives then went off the rails before, 9 years later, she emailed him out of the blue and confronted him with what he'd done. Instead of denying it or ignoring her as she'd expected, he immediately replied acknowledging his crime. An eight year email exchange followed, which culminated in them agreeing to meet half-way between Iceland and Australia in Cape Town for a week to try and resolve face to face the final issues which they had been unable to do in writing. The book is the story of that week.
As a concept for a book it's mind-boggling, but the delivery doesn't disappoint either. I was completely gripped, could hardly put it down and read it in a couple of days. It's an emotional rollercoaster, and several times I found myself welling up while reading it, but it's also astonishingly eloquent, particularly given that the main author is not a native English speaker.
What I find astonishing is that the book has proven controversial, with some people objecting to a rapist being given publicity or a platform to speak in public. How these people think that a better understanding of what causes men to rape isn't going to ultimately lead to it being less prevalent is a mystery to me, but I guess that some people are more interested in simple answers than in real solutions.
An excellent book. If you have any doubts, watch the co-authors' TED talk on YouTube:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gyPoq...
I first heard about this book on the car radio on Woman's Hour, with both of them appearing together on it to tell their story. I was so gripped that when I got home I stayed in the car to hear it to the end.
They met in Iceland when Thordis Elva was 16 and Tom Stranger - an Australian - was 18. After becoming boyfriend and girlfriend, he subjected her to a brutal two hour rape when she was insensible with drink. He then returned to Australia and both their lives then went off the rails before, 9 years later, she emailed him out of the blue and confronted him with what he'd done. Instead of denying it or ignoring her as she'd expected, he immediately replied acknowledging his crime. An eight year email exchange followed, which culminated in them agreeing to meet half-way between Iceland and Australia in Cape Town for a week to try and resolve face to face the final issues which they had been unable to do in writing. The book is the story of that week.
As a concept for a book it's mind-boggling, but the delivery doesn't disappoint either. I was completely gripped, could hardly put it down and read it in a couple of days. It's an emotional rollercoaster, and several times I found myself welling up while reading it, but it's also astonishingly eloquent, particularly given that the main author is not a native English speaker.
What I find astonishing is that the book has proven controversial, with some people objecting to a rapist being given publicity or a platform to speak in public. How these people think that a better understanding of what causes men to rape isn't going to ultimately lead to it being less prevalent is a mystery to me, but I guess that some people are more interested in simple answers than in real solutions.
An excellent book. If you have any doubts, watch the co-authors' TED talk on YouTube:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gyPoq...
April 21, 2021
Could NOT even get through the first 30 pages. Not for the difficulty in literary, emotional or mental aspects, but for the absurdity. As a rape victim by a school friend, I would never in my life write a book with someone I labeled “my rapist” or have years of communication back and forth , as the author did. It seemed the writing was well done, and I like crazy but not this kind of crazy....
Has good reviews, so book is for some and not for others. Definitely not for me. Sex offender works with kids; and “victim” comes across as being madly in love with the offender. Just absolutely absurd.
Read “Know My Name” by Chantel Miller instead.
Has good reviews, so book is for some and not for others. Definitely not for me. Sex offender works with kids; and “victim” comes across as being madly in love with the offender. Just absolutely absurd.
Read “Know My Name” by Chantel Miller instead.
February 16, 2019
In 1996 Tom, an 18 year old Australian, rapes his then 16 year old Icelandic girlfriend Thordis, whilst on exchange in Iceland. No reports are made, no charges are laid, yet the two authors (the victim and perpetrator) punish themselves in their own ways until such time as in 2005 Thordis emails Tom. Over the next eight years they will email on and off until Easter 2013 when they arrange to meet in Cape Town so that Thordis can see if she’s ready to forgive Tom.
The book gives a short background before alternating between the two authors’ diary entries of their time in Cape Town. It’s raw, honest, brutal, emotional and quite frankly, inspiring. The contrast between the victim and the perpetrator, the female and the male and the thoughts of an 18 & 16 year old and two people in their thirties is insightful and brings something to the book that just one voice would not.
I like that it focuses predominantly on their week together and how they are trying to acknowledge the past whilst moving forward, rather than it reading like a traditional true crime book. It’s the insights into their personalities that moved me; but it’s Thordis’ view on forgiveness, as opposed to saying story, that I will take away most from Reading South of Forgiveness.
South of Forgiveness is not an easy book to review because writing accolades for a book about rape and its aftermath seems wrong. However, I simply couldn’t put it down and read it in two days. It’s like nothing else I’ve read before and I cannot recommend it enough.
The book gives a short background before alternating between the two authors’ diary entries of their time in Cape Town. It’s raw, honest, brutal, emotional and quite frankly, inspiring. The contrast between the victim and the perpetrator, the female and the male and the thoughts of an 18 & 16 year old and two people in their thirties is insightful and brings something to the book that just one voice would not.
I like that it focuses predominantly on their week together and how they are trying to acknowledge the past whilst moving forward, rather than it reading like a traditional true crime book. It’s the insights into their personalities that moved me; but it’s Thordis’ view on forgiveness, as opposed to saying story, that I will take away most from Reading South of Forgiveness.
South of Forgiveness is not an easy book to review because writing accolades for a book about rape and its aftermath seems wrong. However, I simply couldn’t put it down and read it in two days. It’s like nothing else I’ve read before and I cannot recommend it enough.
October 9, 2017
Somewhere between 3 and 4 stars. It is hard to rate a book like this one.
May 22, 2017
This book picks apart the rape and ensuing train wreck layer by layer in a way that leaves you with a deep understanding of the many faceted issues bound up by bad choices. This is made all the more powerful by the time inclusion of Tom's perspective. I think this would be very powerful for boys. It leaves you with a sense of hope that can only be achieved through shining a light into the darkest of places.
This is by far the most profound life story I have ever read. There were times near the end when I actually thought my heart would burst. Their story is courageous and beautiful in all it's rawness . Thordis and Tom have made themselves extremely vulnerable to each other and to the world in that they were willing to pick apart every detail to make sure they could completely forgive and release. Then they had the courage to share it with us. Words are insufficient for me to adequately express the effect this story has had on me.
Every person 16 and up needs to read this!!!!
This is by far the most profound life story I have ever read. There were times near the end when I actually thought my heart would burst. Their story is courageous and beautiful in all it's rawness . Thordis and Tom have made themselves extremely vulnerable to each other and to the world in that they were willing to pick apart every detail to make sure they could completely forgive and release. Then they had the courage to share it with us. Words are insufficient for me to adequately express the effect this story has had on me.
Every person 16 and up needs to read this!!!!
May 22, 2018
4.5* I don't really know how to review this one. I think it's an important memoir and even though it covers some dark topics, it doesn't get overwhelmingly dark. Thordis and Tom's journey of reconciliation and forgiveness is admirable and something I think many people would struggle with. I found it fascinating how far Thordis had come in the years since the rape in terms of mental health, perspective, and her desire to find forgiveness. I think Tom still had a way to go in forgiving himself, and although his voice made up less of the memoir, it was hard to read at times as he struggled with guilt and self loathing. I didn't think South of Forgiveness was written especially well, and I didn't like that as a memoir it was written in present tense as that made it a bit melodramatic for me, but overall I really enjoyed it (as much as someone can enjoy a book discussing rape, and rape culture, and apartheid etc) and found it a very powerful story.
April 30, 2017
I found South of Forgiveness a difficult book to read (maybe dredging up memories) and needed a break half way through to read other books.
Having been a victim of rape I cannot imagine confronting the perpetrator ever again. One of the reasons why many sexual assaults in the past have gone unreported.
I applaud Elva for being able to achieve reconciliation and forgiveness after such a horrible experience.
Her writing is uncompromising and honest with the chapters written by Stranger coming across as somewhat superfluous. Although Stranger admitting to the rape and the two of them taking their story on a talking tour could have a very positive impact.
Thank you to Scribe and Goodreads for my copy.
Having been a victim of rape I cannot imagine confronting the perpetrator ever again. One of the reasons why many sexual assaults in the past have gone unreported.
I applaud Elva for being able to achieve reconciliation and forgiveness after such a horrible experience.
Her writing is uncompromising and honest with the chapters written by Stranger coming across as somewhat superfluous. Although Stranger admitting to the rape and the two of them taking their story on a talking tour could have a very positive impact.
Thank you to Scribe and Goodreads for my copy.
May 30, 2017
This is an important book. The writing isn't top notch, but the subject matter - rape and,consequently, forgiveness - does make you think.
Its controversial, it makes you think about your own thoughts on the subject, your own experiences, your own relationships with men, all men.
Its a book you read and immediately want to find someone else who's read it, its that thought-provoking.
It makes you question your own attitudes and how you got there.
Its a book that could be used in schools to open up discussion about gender violence and prevailing attitudes to sexual consent and responsibility, albeit controversially.
Its a book that everyone should read and digest and talk about.
Its controversial, it makes you think about your own thoughts on the subject, your own experiences, your own relationships with men, all men.
Its a book you read and immediately want to find someone else who's read it, its that thought-provoking.
It makes you question your own attitudes and how you got there.
Its a book that could be used in schools to open up discussion about gender violence and prevailing attitudes to sexual consent and responsibility, albeit controversially.
Its a book that everyone should read and digest and talk about.
September 23, 2025
Miluju název South of Forgiveness. Na jih / jižně od odpuštění zní taky hezky, ne?
Neskutečný příběh. Vem si, že znásilnění, které trvalo dvě hodiny čistého času, jim oběma zničilo život na years to come, a taky ho nenávratně změnilo. Years of damage, které se dotklo spousty dalších lidí, a potom roky tvrdé dřiny, aby se zase poskládali dohromady.
Že se to celé odehrává v JAR je shnilá třešeň na dortu utrpení. Kulisy turistických zastávek Kapského města tomu opravdu nasazují trnovou korunu.
Co se týče stylu, přišlo mi to místy příliš patetické. Ono by to bylo všechno působivé i bez toho. Ale možná to je překladem a nebo možná opravdu jsou takoví.
Shodou okolností jsem ve stejném dnu, kdy jsem tohle dočetla, byla na přednášce Moderní sebeobrany, kde jsme probírali i to, jak předcházet (sexualizovanému) násilí. Bylo mi špatně už jen z procházení statistik a taky ze všeho, co musíme dělat, aby nám někdo (men) fyzicky neublížil. Domů jdeš jinudy, nikdy přes park, špatně osvětlené úseky proběhneš, necháš si ujet autobus, i když je tma a zima a další jede za půl hodiny, neustále monitoruješ okolí, trénuješ, jak vypadat větší, sebevědomější, neohroženější, prostě co nejmíň jako snadná oběť. Klíče v ruce jsou samozřejmost a milion dalších věcí.
Nejedeš do Cape townu na dovču, nenecháš se vyvést lanovkou na Stolovou horu, nepojedeš shady taxíkem, nepodíváš se do botanické zahrady, která vypadá jako ráj na zemi, neprojdeš se po Waterfrontu, protože by tě tam s největší pravděpodobností čekal kromě krásných výhledů gang rape. Když jsi týpek můžeš za tmy pěšky domů i v Rape townu, no prob.
Závěr je vždycky stejný, za všechno může patriarchát. Proč jsme tak naštvané a I am fueled by rage.
Je to o Thordis a o tom, jak se vymanila z nálepky 'oběť' a o Tomovi a o tom, jak se vymanil z nálepky 'násilník,' ale nejvíc to je o tom, že žijeme ve světě, kdy si mladý kluk myslí, že je v pohodě, dělat si, co chce s opilou holkou a ani na sekundu ho nenapadne zamyslet se nad tím, jak se cítí ona. Jako společnost musime něco dělat hodně špatně. Haha, to je ale novinka.
Nevim jestli bych chtěla snubní prstýnky z JAR a zrovna z tohodle výletu.
Když jsem říkala kolegyni, že si tu knížku může přečíst, říkala, že by to asi nezvládla, že by to na ní bylo moc. Mhm, věci tak příšerné, že o nich lidi nezvládají ani číst, imagine living through it.
Křehké věci, které je lepší šeptat za soumraku v cizí zemi, kde je rozpráší pouštní vítr
To jsem si nemohla pořídit terapeuta a láhev vodky jako každý normální člověk?
Tak na to, že už víckrát nebudeme mladí a pitomí.
Odteď už budeme jenom pitomí.
Nejradši bych sťala celý ten patriarchální systém mačetou.
Neskutečný příběh. Vem si, že znásilnění, které trvalo dvě hodiny čistého času, jim oběma zničilo život na years to come, a taky ho nenávratně změnilo. Years of damage, které se dotklo spousty dalších lidí, a potom roky tvrdé dřiny, aby se zase poskládali dohromady.
Že se to celé odehrává v JAR je shnilá třešeň na dortu utrpení. Kulisy turistických zastávek Kapského města tomu opravdu nasazují trnovou korunu.
Co se týče stylu, přišlo mi to místy příliš patetické. Ono by to bylo všechno působivé i bez toho. Ale možná to je překladem a nebo možná opravdu jsou takoví.
Shodou okolností jsem ve stejném dnu, kdy jsem tohle dočetla, byla na přednášce Moderní sebeobrany, kde jsme probírali i to, jak předcházet (sexualizovanému) násilí. Bylo mi špatně už jen z procházení statistik a taky ze všeho, co musíme dělat, aby nám někdo (men) fyzicky neublížil. Domů jdeš jinudy, nikdy přes park, špatně osvětlené úseky proběhneš, necháš si ujet autobus, i když je tma a zima a další jede za půl hodiny, neustále monitoruješ okolí, trénuješ, jak vypadat větší, sebevědomější, neohroženější, prostě co nejmíň jako snadná oběť. Klíče v ruce jsou samozřejmost a milion dalších věcí.
Nejedeš do Cape townu na dovču, nenecháš se vyvést lanovkou na Stolovou horu, nepojedeš shady taxíkem, nepodíváš se do botanické zahrady, která vypadá jako ráj na zemi, neprojdeš se po Waterfrontu, protože by tě tam s největší pravděpodobností čekal kromě krásných výhledů gang rape. Když jsi týpek můžeš za tmy pěšky domů i v Rape townu, no prob.
Závěr je vždycky stejný, za všechno může patriarchát. Proč jsme tak naštvané a I am fueled by rage.
Je to o Thordis a o tom, jak se vymanila z nálepky 'oběť' a o Tomovi a o tom, jak se vymanil z nálepky 'násilník,' ale nejvíc to je o tom, že žijeme ve světě, kdy si mladý kluk myslí, že je v pohodě, dělat si, co chce s opilou holkou a ani na sekundu ho nenapadne zamyslet se nad tím, jak se cítí ona. Jako společnost musime něco dělat hodně špatně. Haha, to je ale novinka.
Nevim jestli bych chtěla snubní prstýnky z JAR a zrovna z tohodle výletu.
Když jsem říkala kolegyni, že si tu knížku může přečíst, říkala, že by to asi nezvládla, že by to na ní bylo moc. Mhm, věci tak příšerné, že o nich lidi nezvládají ani číst, imagine living through it.
Křehké věci, které je lepší šeptat za soumraku v cizí zemi, kde je rozpráší pouštní vítr
To jsem si nemohla pořídit terapeuta a láhev vodky jako každý normální člověk?
Tak na to, že už víckrát nebudeme mladí a pitomí.
Odteď už budeme jenom pitomí.
Nejradši bych sťala celý ten patriarchální systém mačetou.
August 26, 2020
I commend the authors(?) for their bravery in telling this story and hope it helps to heal as many people as possible. That should be the main takeaway. But it's difficult to write a review of this. The subject matter is fascinating and intensely moving, but the writing was terrible.
I'm not even sure who wrote it. The cover says Thordis Elva and Tom Stranger (his name smaller than hers.) But an author's note at the back refers to them as "Thordis and Tom" several times, which makes me think someone else stuck it together from their diaries and correspondence. It matters because Elva is apparently a respected playwright. I was surprised to learn this, because until that point I'd forgiven her writing because I thought she had reluctantly stumbled upon the necessity to write a book and had thus done an amateur job of it.
This will probably be her most read work. If it's her prose, it reflects quite poorly on her. Maybe because it's in English and not Icelandic—but whatever the reason, I'd recommend she's clearer on who wrote this.
It reads like a teenage girl's diary. There's every cliché you could imagine, several times. Butterflies in stomachs and throats dry as deserts and so on. Nobody eats or drinks, they always chomp and slurp back. Hearts are leaping into throats at every opportunity always, as if it makes every part of the reading experience thrilling rather than exhausting and distracting—so that by the time the most compelling material of the book arrives, I was struggling to read. At one point Tom says Thordis "always has the best metaphors." I was like, "dude..."
But I'm not even sure he really said that. I don't care if the dialogue is a precise record of what the pair spoke about, but it so much wasn't that it pulled me out of the reading experience also. Both of them spout weird inorganic phrases that I doubt they said off the cuff to one another. It all sounded pretty unnatural to me. Almost like, if it were a film, Elva would look directly into the camera and go into a mini speech about the effects of patriarchy, citations needed.
My brother and I had this joke about the film "Frantic." In the film, Harrison Ford's character discovers one morning that his wife has disappeared. They're on holiday (I believe) so he goes to the check-in desk and asks if they've seen his wife. I don't think they have, so then he goes and talks to the cops. The joke Croy and I had was that it was less a thriller and more an infotainment about what to do if your wife went missing on holiday. We kept expecting lists of key facts in bullet point form to pop up on the screen, like: "Remember: Stay calm. First, go to the check-in desk and ask if they have seen anything. Be careful to ask specific questions! It is best to report the incident to the local authorities as soon as possible."
And reading this, I got the feeling it was that type of format, but for sexual assault. And I should stress, it's because the content is so important that I'm so annoyed by how much the style threw me off.
It seems most people—perhaps quite rightly—if they did have these issues with the book have chosen to overlook them for the sake of how original and moving it is, and it is certainly that.
I will sleep well having said my piece on it and knowing that I am not an influential book reviewer.
I'm not even sure who wrote it. The cover says Thordis Elva and Tom Stranger (his name smaller than hers.) But an author's note at the back refers to them as "Thordis and Tom" several times, which makes me think someone else stuck it together from their diaries and correspondence. It matters because Elva is apparently a respected playwright. I was surprised to learn this, because until that point I'd forgiven her writing because I thought she had reluctantly stumbled upon the necessity to write a book and had thus done an amateur job of it.
This will probably be her most read work. If it's her prose, it reflects quite poorly on her. Maybe because it's in English and not Icelandic—but whatever the reason, I'd recommend she's clearer on who wrote this.
It reads like a teenage girl's diary. There's every cliché you could imagine, several times. Butterflies in stomachs and throats dry as deserts and so on. Nobody eats or drinks, they always chomp and slurp back. Hearts are leaping into throats at every opportunity always, as if it makes every part of the reading experience thrilling rather than exhausting and distracting—so that by the time the most compelling material of the book arrives, I was struggling to read. At one point Tom says Thordis "always has the best metaphors." I was like, "dude..."
But I'm not even sure he really said that. I don't care if the dialogue is a precise record of what the pair spoke about, but it so much wasn't that it pulled me out of the reading experience also. Both of them spout weird inorganic phrases that I doubt they said off the cuff to one another. It all sounded pretty unnatural to me. Almost like, if it were a film, Elva would look directly into the camera and go into a mini speech about the effects of patriarchy, citations needed.
My brother and I had this joke about the film "Frantic." In the film, Harrison Ford's character discovers one morning that his wife has disappeared. They're on holiday (I believe) so he goes to the check-in desk and asks if they've seen his wife. I don't think they have, so then he goes and talks to the cops. The joke Croy and I had was that it was less a thriller and more an infotainment about what to do if your wife went missing on holiday. We kept expecting lists of key facts in bullet point form to pop up on the screen, like: "Remember: Stay calm. First, go to the check-in desk and ask if they have seen anything. Be careful to ask specific questions! It is best to report the incident to the local authorities as soon as possible."
And reading this, I got the feeling it was that type of format, but for sexual assault. And I should stress, it's because the content is so important that I'm so annoyed by how much the style threw me off.
It seems most people—perhaps quite rightly—if they did have these issues with the book have chosen to overlook them for the sake of how original and moving it is, and it is certainly that.
I will sleep well having said my piece on it and knowing that I am not an influential book reviewer.
June 25, 2017
I really want to give this book justice and write a proper review but it still may take me more time to process it all. Suffice to say a truly brilliant and powerful read. What incredibly brave people willing to share such an important personal story which does raise a lot of questions about our society. It definitely got me thinking about forgiveness both of yourself and other people. While this experience is deeply personal I think people can relate to some of the reflections and lessons. I feel like this book would make everyone a better person - to yourself and other people. Definitely read.
August 8, 2017
Powerful. I was all set to hate Tom Stranger, but as I read the book, I realized that was not the point at all. This book helped me understand just how complex rape is. Boiling it down into a victim/perpetrator dynamic doesn't do anybody any good. In the end, I came away with a better understanding of rape as well as forgiveness. Both Ms. Elva and Mr. Stranger are particularly amazing human beings.
November 9, 2018
This book is a really well written, very honest account of how the two authors came to deal with what happened between them---the betrayal, the shame, the stigma and eventually their redemption and forgiveness. I've never read anything quite like this before, written from both sides. A credit to both authors.
March 20, 2017
This book means a lot to me. I would have done a lot of what they did differently but still ... I can only recommend this book. Everyone should read it. And I really don't know what it says about me but I kinda fell in love with Tom myself.
I wish both of them well.
I wish both of them well.
January 9, 2018
4.5 stars.
If you want to see their powerful TEDWomen talk click here
If you want to see their powerful TEDWomen talk click here
January 24, 2019
Ugh, her writing was so bad it was distracting. This could have been conveyed in a pamphlet without all the melodrama.
Read
May 18, 2018South of Forgiveness reads like group therapy: deep pain is unearthed and examined like a jewel beneath a light. Crucially, Elva has the humility to claim she has the same capacity for darkness as Stranger, yet the privilege and power he is afforded as a man means he is more inclined to commit violence … By owning the label ‘‘rapist’’ and exploring his motivations, Stranger allows the mythical perpetrator to be demystified. The monstrous shadow is given meek human form, allowing men’s actions, not women’s, to be interrogated. And through her informed analysis of gender inequality, Elva reveals the social mechanisms that create male sexual entitlement.
Lou Heinrich, Weekend Australian
What saves South of Forgiveness from being a book-length rehashing of old hurts interspersed with worthy sentiments about forgiveness, is the blossoming of Elva and Stranger’s personal quest into something larger. As they pick apart the whys of Stranger’s actions (while never for a moment excusing them), they have some important insights about the way our culture can lead young men to feel a dangerous sense of entitlement over women’s bodies … Some will find the idea of a rapist educating people about rape absurd and offensive … But the same things that make [Tom's] venture fraught might make it actually work … [A] genuine, wholehearted attempt to change the conversation around rape.
Emily Maguire, Sydney Morning Herald
An incredible achievement. Everyone could benefit from reading this book. I’m certainly richer as a result of having done so. Absolutely recommended.
Arni Arnason, UK rock band The Vaccines
Thordis and Tom take daring steps into the minefield of the most fragile issues of our times. By confronting the stigma of victim and perpetrator they give us valuable insight into the darker corners of our existence.
Andri Snaer Magnason, Author and Icelandic Presidential Candidate
A profoundly moving, open chested, and critical book. An exploration into sexual violence and self-knowledge that can only shine a healing light into the shrouded corners of our universal humanity. There is a disarming power in these pages that has the potential to change our language, shift our divisions, and invite us to be brave in discussing this pressing, global issue.
Pat Mitchell, Chair of the Sundance Institute and Women’s Media Center
Every man, woman and couple should read this book. And the woman and man that wrote it ought to be garlanded with medals. It’s an unprecedented achievement.
Sandi Toksvig
Written with sensitivity, courage and compassion, this book is a shared, outer and inner journey of recovery. In this intimate account of that journey, the story draws attention to one of the most overlooked perspectives regarding the act and meaning of rape: the shame of rape, harboured by the victim, belongs in fact to the perpetrator. Without any leanings toward self-indulgence, it is a deeply honest exploration of the dynamics of forgiveness and personal transformation. I felt as if I was with them (and their loved ones) on their journey. I will remember it and recommend it for a long time to come.
Dr Ian McCallum
Extraordinarily moving … Hats off to Elva and Stranger for a brave journey that might well change lives.
Christina Patterson, The Sunday Times
Both Elva and Stranger have been brave enough to publicly expose their separate vulnerabilities, in order to contribute to an important debate about sexual violence.
The Irish TImes
Elva and Stranger’s story … [is] as compelling and uncomfortable as it is complex. The resulting book, South of Forgiveness, is one the reader will barely be able to wrench themselves from.
Sunday Business Post Dublin
Very brave.
Catholic Herald
Lou Heinrich, Weekend Australian
What saves South of Forgiveness from being a book-length rehashing of old hurts interspersed with worthy sentiments about forgiveness, is the blossoming of Elva and Stranger’s personal quest into something larger. As they pick apart the whys of Stranger’s actions (while never for a moment excusing them), they have some important insights about the way our culture can lead young men to feel a dangerous sense of entitlement over women’s bodies … Some will find the idea of a rapist educating people about rape absurd and offensive … But the same things that make [Tom's] venture fraught might make it actually work … [A] genuine, wholehearted attempt to change the conversation around rape.
Emily Maguire, Sydney Morning Herald
An incredible achievement. Everyone could benefit from reading this book. I’m certainly richer as a result of having done so. Absolutely recommended.
Arni Arnason, UK rock band The Vaccines
Thordis and Tom take daring steps into the minefield of the most fragile issues of our times. By confronting the stigma of victim and perpetrator they give us valuable insight into the darker corners of our existence.
Andri Snaer Magnason, Author and Icelandic Presidential Candidate
A profoundly moving, open chested, and critical book. An exploration into sexual violence and self-knowledge that can only shine a healing light into the shrouded corners of our universal humanity. There is a disarming power in these pages that has the potential to change our language, shift our divisions, and invite us to be brave in discussing this pressing, global issue.
Pat Mitchell, Chair of the Sundance Institute and Women’s Media Center
Every man, woman and couple should read this book. And the woman and man that wrote it ought to be garlanded with medals. It’s an unprecedented achievement.
Sandi Toksvig
Written with sensitivity, courage and compassion, this book is a shared, outer and inner journey of recovery. In this intimate account of that journey, the story draws attention to one of the most overlooked perspectives regarding the act and meaning of rape: the shame of rape, harboured by the victim, belongs in fact to the perpetrator. Without any leanings toward self-indulgence, it is a deeply honest exploration of the dynamics of forgiveness and personal transformation. I felt as if I was with them (and their loved ones) on their journey. I will remember it and recommend it for a long time to come.
Dr Ian McCallum
Extraordinarily moving … Hats off to Elva and Stranger for a brave journey that might well change lives.
Christina Patterson, The Sunday Times
Both Elva and Stranger have been brave enough to publicly expose their separate vulnerabilities, in order to contribute to an important debate about sexual violence.
The Irish TImes
Elva and Stranger’s story … [is] as compelling and uncomfortable as it is complex. The resulting book, South of Forgiveness, is one the reader will barely be able to wrench themselves from.
Sunday Business Post Dublin
Very brave.
Catholic Herald
August 26, 2024
The premise of the book (a victim of sexual assault and the person that assaulted her spending a week together many years later to find forgiveness) was very unique and compelling, and the story was very human. By human, I mean imperfect. For example, other reviews have critiqued Thordis for being unlikeable. It wasn’t her job to be likeable, it was her job to be Thordis. I personally didn’t love how much labour Thordis took on for Tom’s forgiveness of himself, but I am not in a position to judge their process.
What I liked best about the book was learning about Tom’s journey towards forgiving himself. If Tom, after taking full ownership and responsibility for his actions, can forgive himself and actively work towards reparation and restitution, not just with Thordis but for the greater culture and community, there is hope that anyone can forgive themselves and become better people.
I also really appreciated Thordis and Tom’s story as an example of alternative justice. From what I understand, a process like this would be more consistent with many indigenous approaches to justice for rape cases.
Finally, for what it’s worth, I agree with all the critiques that the dialogue was inauthentic. I had to make an agreement with myself to see the dialogue as simply a story-telling device rather than an account of what was probably actually said.
What I liked best about the book was learning about Tom’s journey towards forgiving himself. If Tom, after taking full ownership and responsibility for his actions, can forgive himself and actively work towards reparation and restitution, not just with Thordis but for the greater culture and community, there is hope that anyone can forgive themselves and become better people.
I also really appreciated Thordis and Tom’s story as an example of alternative justice. From what I understand, a process like this would be more consistent with many indigenous approaches to justice for rape cases.
Finally, for what it’s worth, I agree with all the critiques that the dialogue was inauthentic. I had to make an agreement with myself to see the dialogue as simply a story-telling device rather than an account of what was probably actually said.
March 1, 2025
Ik zou nooit aan dit boek zijn begonnen als het niet op de leeslijst van een van mijn vakken had gestaan (en ik zou het anders ook niet hebben uitgelezen). De premisse is interessant en uniek, maar het is zooo matig geschreven, mijn god. Hoe pijnlijk en kwetsbaar het verhaal ook is, het wist me niet echt te raken. Extra sterretje uit respect naar de auteur, want het is niet niks om zo'n verhaal op te schrijven.
April 20, 2018
Picked this one up for work. Intriguing narrative, but one that happens to be very individual. Curious as to how Elva turns this into a broader social dialogue when most people don't have the money/capacity to spend a week in a foreign country with their rapist to sort things out. On the other hand, nice to see a non-carceral dialogue about the aftermath of rape.
June 11, 2017
En väldigt stark bok om styrkan i att förlåta och förlåtas!
March 4, 2018
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