Life Sentence: A Police Officer’s Battle with PTSD

by Simon Gillard

‘I’m awake again, shaking, sweating. My heart is racing and I stare into the dark. I can’t close my eyes. I fear the images – too many to count. They swim behind my eyelids; I am drowning in their terror. Suicides, heart attacks, murders, car crashes. The images come again and again. All the dead people . . . I have to touch their legs, their arms, reach into their pockets, look into their unseeing eyes for clues.’From the moment two police officers walked into his primary school to give a talk, Simon Gillard knew he wanted to be a policeman. It was a dream that stayed with him right through high school, and as soon as he was old enough he applied to join the force.He began as an optimistic young probationary constable with a great sense of humour and passion for the job. But as his career began to build, so too did the number of cases he worked on, from high-profile murder investigations to paedophile rings, suicides to the investigation even of a fellow officer.As the cases mounted, Simon started to suffer panic attacks and to drink heavily. Nights were the most he would shut his eyes only to be tormented by nightmares about missing young women, and schoolboys not much older than his own son, whose lives had been devastated. He sought help but was encouraged to just ‘go back to work’ and ended up making four attempts on his own life. He was later formally diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and invalided out of the force. In this powerful memoir, Simon reveals the details of the cases he worked on, how the police force operates, and how one man’s life can spiral so out of control. He is now working to create awareness about PTSD and has written this book to help other sufferers.

Genres: Nonfiction, Mental Health, Memoir, Health

221 pages, Kindle Edition

Published May 1, 2017

Reviews

[Suzanne · Rating 5 out of 5]

Wow. I could not stop thinking about this book. I read it in 24hours. Thankyou for writing it Simon and being so honest.

[Kirsti · Rating 4 out of 5]

In recent years, I've read many accounts from both Police Officers, and victims of crime. It is something I always return to, true crime, especially Australian True Crime. I knew about some of these stories from references in other books, but many of these incidents were new to me as well. Simon is an excellent narrator, and often goes into detail in a graphic sense. These awful crimes quite often deserve to not get forgotten, and I think that if Simon can't forget them, then they will stay with me also just from his recollections.

This is an excellent book that really highlights how much our Police Officers suffer from active duty. Sometimes we forget that they are human too, with families to return to. They can't just switch off and return to their lives at the end of a shift, and in Simon;s case PTSD is something he will carry with him forever. A brilliant book in that regard. Four stars.

[Wing Poon · Rating 4 out of 5]

Thank you Simon for writing this book. I would imagine recounting your life leading up to your PTSD diagnosis couldn't have been easy for you, but reading it has provided me with valuable insights into what people living with post traumatic stress have to deal with.

Sadly, I'm also reminded that mental health support system for our doctors, paramedics, police and firefighters is lacking. They need, and deserve, better.

[Anne Pilkington · Rating 4 out of 5]

A good read for anyone to gain an understanding of PTSD and how it can manifest in any one, be it police as the author, ambo's, fire, nurses, armed forces, corrections, basically anyone who sees or experiences trauma & stressful situations day to day as part of their job. The author kept his feelings suppressed and didn't talk about his experiences with anyone, had poor support from his work place when he did open up to ask for help, his first experience was basically told to grin & bear it. It's time we all had more understanding of PTSD & this book gave me a new respect for what front line workers can go through keeping public safe. I found this book an honest & open account of how PTSD affects his life and how he continues to deal with it including affects on family, friends and his career.

[Alison Clifford · Rating 4 out of 5]

It must have been incredibly hard for the author to write this book and relive his experiences, but I'm grateful he did. He has given me a glimpse of what it's like to work in such a demanding role and how PTSD can creep up on someone and wreak havoc in their lives. This is a book for everyone as society needs to understand and work to support those who struggle with mental health issues.

[Liam Hanley · Rating 5 out of 5]

Breathtakingly honest.

[Libby Sanderson · Rating 4 out of 5]

Very interesting book with great stories.

[Brea Roadley · Rating 5 out of 5]

Unsure if Simon will ever see this but your book is life saving ♡ thank you (especially a big thank you for naming EML insurance / calling out the horrors of the workcover process)

[Michelle Turner · Rating 5 out of 5]

An honest account of what it's like to work in the Australian police force and the problems with post trauma stress disorder within emergency services

[Jeremy Noble · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is a compelling book written by a former career police officer in the NSW Police Force Simon Gillard. I was struck by the humanity of the writing throughout the book. Reading the painfully detailed description of most likely a pretty representative police career the reader would have to be made of stone not to be moved. The difficulties this gregarious, if straightforward man faced in going about his business over twenty odd years - and his eventual departure - as a 'survivor' of PTSD reek with injustice .

The untold story here is one that the author alluded to - but I suspect put aside perhaps due to loyalty were the systemic failures of 'the force' to adequately care for it's team members. The 'tough police culture' appeared to look down on many of the practical, humane staff policies that Simon is only now learning can be helpful to his mental health and well-being. It left me wondering if there is another story for Simon in telling us more about that systemic failure and how he would see how things might be organised differently.

It's just amazing what a few minutes of debriefing at the end of a tough shift can achieve managed by the right people and the right approach. It would surely be a kind of justice to see Simon re-hired in such a role. At any rate - good luck with your life Simon and your future and thanks for the book.

[Helen · Rating 2 out of 5]

There's no doubt that police officers face untold stress and trauma each day. Gillard's book offers some insight but I was expecting more critical analysis or self-reflection. It's an easy read that feels very much from the view of a Northern Beaches WASP local. As an inner westie I had to wryly smile at his description of Newtown and its even "rougher" neighbour Marrickville.

I can only commend Gillard for drawing attention to, and destigmatising PTSD. I hope that this book, especially its concluding heartfelt tips by Gillard and his wife, provide solace, comfort and help to others.

[Shane Bautista · Rating 5 out of 5]

Simon’s account of his struggle with PTSD, depression and suicidal thoughts was raw and confronting. Having struggles with my own mental health (depression) I found it easy to relate.

Simon’s book is easy to read and I loved immersing myself into his story. In 2018 I met Simon at a mental health nursing conference and he is inspirational and a down to earth great guy.

Simon encouraged me to write my memoir Resilience a story of survival that was released July 2019.

I recommend sharing Simon’s book/powerful story to anyone you may know who struggles with Mental Health.