Done With The Crying: Help and Healing for Mothers of Estranged Adult Children

by Sheri McGregor

In Done With The Crying: Help and Healing for Mothers of Estranged Adult Children, Sheri McGregor, M.A., helps parents break free from emotional pain—and move forward in their own lives.

As a loving mother to whom the unthinkable happened, McGregor knows the horrible shock that wrings a parent dry, triggers denial, blame, anger, and shame. With empathy and understanding, as well as tools, the latest research, and insight from more than 9,000 parents of estranged adult children, McGregor helps parents of estranged adults plan ahead, prepare for emotional triggers, and prevail over setbacks and pain.

You can be happy again. In a calm yet authoritative voice, and with exercises derived from her work as a life coach and her own recovery, McGregor helps mothers who did their best to come to terms with their estranged adult child's choices, and regain their health and happiness.

To fathers of estranged adult children—this book can help you, too. "Ninety-three percent of the parents who answer my survey at RejectedParents.Net are mothers," says Sheri McGregor. "That's why the title is directed at them. But many of the book's examples are from couples and highlight the experiences of fathers and their reactions. The principles presented are relevant to fathers, and the strategies for coping can be used by anyone."

In this encouraging and comprehensive book, McGregor fully covers the phenomenon of estranged adult children from families who never expected a son or daughter to cut ties and walk away.

Nine in-depth chapters provide dozens of inspiring examples from among the thousands of parents of estranged adult children. Gain understanding and practical help from a mother who knows the pain of this devastating loss with all its uncertainty and heartache. Hope can remain, but you don't have to stay stalled, forever waiting. You can move past the disbelief and distress. Take charge. Reclaim yourself and your life—only maybe even better.

Recommendations:

The book is a must read for parents of estranged adult children and mental health professionals working with these families. Sheri McGregor’s work is a breath of fresh air offering a new perspective and providing support, encouragement, resources, and compassion to good parents who have found themselves in an unimaginable situation.
---Maritza Parks, LMHC, Inspired Journeys Counseling

While Mothers are mentioned on the cover, dads, this is for you too! Done with the Crying is for any (and all) family member who wants to heal and move forward. This wonderful book will help you see how you can hold your chin up high, dry your eyes, and get on with your life. ---Joi Sigers, Self Help Dailly.com

Done With the Crying also provides much time for reflection, for taking time to think about ones life and to read the stories of other women who are going through a similar situation. The book is easy to read, and provides much support and insight in a gentle and understanding way. ---Hennie Weiss, M.A., Metapsychology Online Reviews

This is my best resource to assist families whose adult children have rejected them. In my role as a family life educator, I work with those affected by a loved one’s mental illness, and the sad phenomenon of estrangement is rampant. I’ve searched for resources and education, but there is precious little available to help rejected parents move forward. It did not take me many pages in to see the value for my work, and I often recommend this compassionately written book to parents and families
who are in so much pain. ---Mara J. Briere, MA CFLE, President and Founder, Grow a Strong Family, Inc.

Genres: Nonfiction, Parenting, Self Help, Psychology, Family, Womens, Relationships

354 pages, Kindle Edition

Published April 26, 2017

Reviews

[Elyse Walters · Rating 3 out of 5]

Another book - where I listened to plenty —

The voice narrator was too chirpy for the words she was reading

Truthfully I was bored — but I understand the contribution to ‘help’ with healing.

Ha— want to read my list of about another half dozen books I dropped recently too? Lol

I AM ENJOYING Eve’s Hollywood” — by Eve Babitz

The author is sparkly enjoyable!!!!

[Tara Leigh · Rating 1 out of 5]

I picked this one up to better understand what someone I care about was going through- it was a book they were reading. I cannot say I am a fan. I am a frequent reader of self help style books, and while this was engaging and full of interesting stories the actual advice ranged from useful and pretty good (how to move on with your life and stop focusing on the negative, or how to relax) to pretty obvious (if they have a restraining order against you don’t go agains the restraining order) to down right bad (don’t write an apology letter to your kid, they will probably just use it against you). Likewise the interesting stories, all placed in the positive light of the parents doing no wrong, ranged from sympathetic to wtf are you thinking. The whole book was written from the perspective of the parent doing no wrong that could possibly drive their children to not want them around. Which I’m sure happens sometimes, and in that case the book is quite useful. However, let’s be honest here- we all fuck up. All of us. And parenthood is stressful, so stressful that you often fuck up royally. Not owning that is bad for everyone, and your child drawing boundaries with you is healthy. And the focus on a single minded obsession over your child as ok and right sat very uneasily with me. So overall, this book could be good for a very small subset of the target audience, but by in large is an echo chamber for parents who don’t want to believe they could have a part to play in the relationship with their child falling apart. Instead of seeking to understand from a place of accepting your responsibility and trying to move on with that, this book encourages a blind faith in parental infallibility. I feel harsh writing this, but I don’t find the book to be healthy, and I’m concerned for those that read it, if they do not fit into that small subset of the target audience.

[Sharon M · Rating 5 out of 5]

I wish I would have had this book years ago when this happened to me. At the time, I felt like I was the only one in the world that had their child leave the family for absolutely no discernible reason. While I have made my peace with the situation after all this time, it was truly a comfort to know that I wasn't alone. That this was a named syndrome (Parent Alienation Syndrome) with so many parents dealing with this issue.

I bought the e-reader version of this book but I would suggest that you buy the actual book if you are just starting on the journey to reclaiming your life. The book offers many opportunities for journaling and exercises that will help you.

Kudos to all these mothers for holding their heads high, for knowing that we did a good job raising our kids, and that as adults they have made decisions that they will have to live with.

Highly recommended for anyone dealing with this heartbreaking issue!

[Birdie · Rating 4 out of 5]

Apparently, cutting off ties with one's parents is a common way of dealing with conflict for today's Millenials. Sheri McGregor offers hope for reclaiming one's life in spite of the deep hurt and lasting anguish that parents feel when their adult child is estranged. Based on surveys with some 9000 parents and adult children.

[Deb · Rating 3 out of 5]

As a parent of an adult child who has for unexplained reasons distanced herself from the family I have empathy for this author and trust writing this book was cathartic for her and has brought out into the open a seemingly epidemic of rejected parents. However as we know there are always two sides to every story and many of these adult children find family pressure to succeed, family dramas, matriarchal mothers, domineering parents, unsolicited advice and innuendo about appearance, jobs, friends, partners etc as confrontational so they retreat or withdraw as that is the easiest pathway for them - who can blame them. As rejected parents we have to accept some responsibility for the choice our child has made even if we can’t see why. There is no mention of Aspergers which may play a significant role in some adult children’s choices - relationships for many high functioning people with autism are inherently difficult. They simply don’t process emotions in the same way most mainstream people do and empathy can be a complete enigma to them. They feel a square peg in a round hole.

I hope the book helps others in knowing they aren’t alone. It has self help suggestions to recover after an adult child distances themselves.

I feel the writer has a strong matriarchal personality and perhaps her son found similar characteristics in his chosen wife - there wouldn’t have been room for both in his life. There could be some truth in the old saying “ you have a daughter you have her for life, you have a son until he takes a wife”.

Ultimately as parents we must remember our children “come through us not to us”. We don’t “own” them, once they are adults they’re free to make their own decisions and we’re not at liberty to force our views on them. A parent’s role is to raise their child to become independent but hopefully have some family allegiance but that is not a given and if they choose otherwise we have no option but to accept that. We can continue to love them as we don’t need their authority for that.

Finally we need to remember “it’s better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all”.

May 2021. I would refer any parent dealing with adult child estrangement who truly wants to effect a reconciliation and is prepared to accept they are part of the problem and WANT to change themselves, to “The Reconnection Club”.

[Lin S. · Rating 1 out of 5]

I'm sure there are some parents this may help BUT speaking for myself reading parts of this book put me in a blue funk for days. I have not finished it and have put it aside for another time. The daily acceptance, I repeat daily, "loss/separation from" of not one but both of my children is reality and I need to concentrate on enjoying my days that are left to me.

[Helene Montpetit · Rating 5 out of 5]

Finally,someone who gets it!

I spent over 15 years suffering and confused, being judged and blaming myself, looking in vain for answers and solutions and trying every possible approach. Sheri McGregor's book provided the kind of insight, understanding and coping strategies I needed to accept the unacceptable and move on. I recommend it to anyone who is enduring this, the very worst heartache one can ever experience.

[Tracy · Rating 2 out of 5]

This book offered reassurance that many families - even good families - experience estrangement, and some possible reasons that estrangement may be on the rise.

But I felt the author focused too much on her own personal situation. There also didn't seem to be a balanced perspective that an adult child may be hurting and not just being manipulative. I ended up skimming the book and did not finish.

[Helene · Rating 1 out of 5]

For me this self help book could have been advice on any life crisis. The suggestion is to cope by thinking positively ,staying engaged in the community ,finding a hobby and cooking healthy foods. I would’ve preferred more focus on the actual parent child relationship and maybe putting it in the context of today’s world that has changed the rules, where the contract between the generations that worked for centuries has been broken.

[Tammy · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book was just what I needed at the perfect time!! I had no idea so many others are also going through this heartbreaking experience. So thankful for the help and lift it gave me.

[Reade · Rating 5 out of 5]

A phenomenal book packed with insight and encouragement to survive adult child abandonment.

This book changed my life. After I learned that both of my adult children had abandoned me, I entered a period of extreme grief and emotional upheaval that laid me out physically for three months. I couldn't get out of bed. I wanted to die.

Thereafter, I spent six months in extended group therapy, which taught me essential coping skills to deal with my emotions and triggers. That was successful and I made a lot of progress. But sometimes there were still issues that overwhelmed me.

This book broke down those issues into understandable bits that I used to help me change my attitude toward the estrangement. Anger and rage were two emotions I knew needed to change, but I couldn't find my way to do so. Paralyzing grief was another. I slept through many, many days over the past three years.

I learned that there is nothing I can do to change my children's minds. Nothing! The only changes I could make had to be to myself, to reframe the situation in such a way as to remove the emotional charge and free myself from the guilt and shame which inevitably arise from questions about a mother's fitness.

Basically, I learned that my life is still important and that what has happened is not necessarily even my fault. Lots of times the estranged parent has no idea why their child has made such a decision, and the child may have no idea either.

I learned that parent abandonment or estrangement is a new trend worldwide. It's not just happening to me; it's happening to parents everywhere.

The author has also experienced adult child abandonment and shares stories throughout the book of her experiences and others. She writes that this abandonment may last the rest of my lifetime, and the best way to deal with that realization is to accept it. Radical acceptance, it's called.

The book has reflective writing exercises that are helpful in defining and understanding what has happened and what a healthy response entails.

I would highly recommend this book to any parent who is experiencing estrangement or abandonment. While there may be no solution or resolution available or possible, parents must come to terms with the situation and accept it for what it is: their children have chosen this route of disconnection. They can like it or not but it is their reality.

[Tammy McGeehan · Rating 5 out of 5]

Excellent

This book has been and will continue to be like bible for me. Some of her examples were word for word what my husband and I have experienced with our son I cannot thank Sheri enough for writing this.

[Vikki · Rating 5 out of 5]

I read this to be supportive of someone going through this issue. Very thorough with great advice.

[T. Rose · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is an important read for moms in pain. Help for painful moments and years. I recommend this book to heal yourself and move forward.

[Beth · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a much needed resource for a growing phenomenon in families: an adult child who chooses to break off their relationship with their family. The author is not only a counselor by training and college degree, but a mother who has experienced the heartache of this situation. Each chapter is filled with a wealth of information, wisdom and practical steps to use in wrestling with the sorrow and betrayal and moving towards healing and a joyful and meaningful future. I highly recommend this book as a resource for professional counselors, ministers, rabbis as well as families dealing with these issues. The footnotes provide further reading and information if needed as well as her very helpful blog site. NOTE: Despite the title, this is not just for mothers; it it helpful for fathers and siblings. UPDATE: Even better the second time around. A first reading can stir painful memories and emotions. When you come back for another reading, you gather even more helpful insights, as you're farther along the journey. DO take time to write out the exercises given, whether you keep them separately in a journal or inside the book. They truly help sort out your thoughts.

[jodi bowman · Rating 5 out of 5]

I wish I had found this sooner

I am an avid reader and yet I have never found a book like this. Although my situation is different in many ways to Sheri's examples they are completely relatable. I have never felt so compleled to leave a review. This is a taboo subject, not many remain these days! Sheri had dealt with it showing dignity and caring for one's self. In the grief and termoil of 3 and half years of estrangement I wish I had found this sooner. The exercises and words throughout I have found great hope and comfort in. This is not just another self help book. If you are in this predicament read it or know someone who is suffering gift this book!

[Laura · Rating 5 out of 5]

A fantastic book.

It helped me to mourn my loss— I didn’t realize the anguish I hold on to with the constant hope that has never come. And it helped significantly with healing. It provides coping skills and getting on with your life. I am utilizing them already.

Desperately needed this book to get through Mother’s Day this year.

I bought the workbook that goes with the book. I am following up with that.

[Elizabeth · Rating 2 out of 5]

I'm not the target audience for this book, I'm the subject. I read to try and understand the other side. I don't agree with all of it, but it was enlightening nonetheless.

[Saskia Amaro · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book was incredibly helpful for me. Being estranged from my son has been the most difficult thing I’ve ever experienced. Sheri shared not only her story, but the stories of many other parents suffering the same hurt and loss. I related to those stories and learned so much about how to deal with my emotions, my marriage, my family, friends and strangers. Trying to rewrite my future and accept my new reality has been such a lonely journey and I appreciate the support.

[Sarah O’Shea Muñoz · Rating 4 out of 5]

I am at the beginning of some level of this syndrome. It’s terribly painful. As a divorced mom (over 11 years) with grown, launched and thriving adult daughters, I know I gave it my all and was the best mom I could be. I always had my children’s back. My hellacious divorce wiped me out financially (during which time my former spouse checked out of responsibility) and I have been rebuilding my life since. My girls have seen this and lived through it. It was hard, but others have it worse. I have so many wonderful blessings with good friends. It doesn’t replace my relationships with my daughters. My daughters live on opposite coasts and are not close. One is single and I am close to her. The other is married with two children and we used to be close. After multiple visits at significant travel and car rental expenses over the past 2 years, I’m taking a break after the most recent visit. My daughter and son in law have become self righteous and treat me with disrespect, criticize me and make me feel unwelcome. They actually regularly gaslight me and I’ve had enough. I am a fun, warm, loving mom/ grandparent suffering the loss of a relationship w/ my young grandbabies and daughter. Never did I ever consider this would happen to me. And here I am. So, I am grateful for this book and the stories of other parents experiencing what is excruciating. What is the icing on the cake is the “in law” parents spend 4 months of the year now living near my daughter, son in law and grandchildren…something that I cannot do. Anyway, to the power of prayer, good friends and an optimistic view of life is key. Best to all of you hurting out in the work…blessings.

[Leslie · Rating 5 out of 5]

In my search, I have found very few books on the topic of estranged adult children. It was helpful to find this book and dig into it.

Filled with advice, wisdom, personal stories, and action plans, I highly recommend this book if you are dealing with this issue. McGregor includes stories of several women, including herself, and what they have experienced, which is very helpful in knowing you are not alone.

She addresses in detail the ways an estrangement can affect the life of the mother where she can be stuck in limbo and not sure how to keep living. McGregor includes activities (that I would recommend doing) to help through the various stages and the ups and downs of emotions and situations. She includes practical suggestions on how to live despite this loss and how to personalize things that will work in your situation.

I can't recommend it enough, but please note: this book is not about ways to reconcile with your child. While the topic is covered of when your estranged child may reach back out, this book is focused on not being dependent on the idea that your child may want to reconcile down the road. This is truly about how to live a full, meaningful life when your child has chosen to separate themselves from you.

[Elizabeth Knaus · Rating 4 out of 5]

Sadly, I’m not sure the “Done with the Crying” title could be honestly accurate (in this lifetime) as long as her child’s estrangement persists; yet, thankfully, the subtitle captures the book’s optimism for help and healing. Written with empathetic compassion to comfort and encourage the abandoned mother, it leaves room for her to hope that her adult child will mature and return to rebuild a healthy relationship. The author gently, honestly, presents real examples that are hard for anyone to imagine unless they are dealing with a similar complex issue. Several excellent suggestions to help the mother cope are offered such as to seek support from faithful, trustworthy people. For the struggling mother in this personal, tragic loss, the book offers creative inspiration to help her live and grow in Christ’s grace and mercy, amid the chaos of human nature in this fallen world.

[Katherine · Rating 5 out of 5]

The best book on a painful topic

This book helped my suffering over a very painful subject. It has shone a light that when all is said and done, my child is a grown woman who is living her life. She is happy it seems so it is time to let go and get on with my own life knowing I did the best I could. As all mothers do. It put many things in perspective in a kind and caring way. If you are struggling with your childs estrangement, I recommend this book.

[Michelle Graham · Rating 5 out of 5]

I appreciate the knowledge and compassion included in this book!

[Carolynn · Rating 2 out of 5]

Saw this book recommended in the Washington Post. Listened to it as an audio book, found the narrators intonations really grating. As for the content, there are parts that are interesting but it’s hard to read/listen to other
parents’ situations and find insights especially when those stories aren’t really the basis for any therapeutic insight when she shifts from retelling a story to to her own voice. As for the author, I think she crossed a couple of boundaries. For example. She keeps referencing her son “Dan” but always in the context of him cutting off her whole family. It’s always “he cut off the family.” That felt judgmental. Her self reflection was also not great and there’s a lot of blame towards the son’s wife. Nor does it seem that she’s reach a point in her healing journey to
Understand that no, her personal first hour after birth didn’t cause her son’s estrangement. The chapter on culture and why, thats just old plowed ground and not universally accepted views, it would have been more interesting to hear a therapeutic take as opposed to participation trophies take. Felt too trad wifey for me
with that emphasis. If she’d stuck to her therapist side it might have gotten better reviews from me. “Spider webs dropped w pearly dew” “raucous crows” writing style. Skipped around, DNF.

[Amy · Rating 5 out of 5]

I stumbled across this book while looking for audio books to listen to while I sew. I was instantly struck by the title/subtitle. I had NO idea that parental estrangement was a thing, and that I wasn't alone. I was impressed with the personal accounts and the amount of research the author has done and continues to do. Hearing the stories of other people who have faced the situation was very helpful, and very similar to my own.
I would highly recommend to any parent dealing with this issue. The author has action steps and the book now has a workbook that allows you to work through those action steps as well. I will look for that for sure.
Each chapter is very specific and gives very actionable items to learn about and then consider from your own point of view based on the specifics of your personal situation. How the book is broken into chapters and organized made it very, very thorough.
In the end the author doesn't promise sunshine and roses but that you can deal with the loss and still be okay, as a person, and as a family. A very realistic look at estrangement.

[Emily]

A family friend who is estranged from her adult daughter recommended this book to me. She said it was the most helpful thing she’s read on the topic, and that reading it allowed her to come to peace with what has happened and move on with her life. As a therapist I was interested in learning more about estrangement and its impact on a family.

I don’t feel totally comfortable rating this, as I am not the intended audience. But I appreciated learning more about the topic, which is excruciating to consider as a young mother, but which it essentially seems you may not be able to prevent (she does not discuss estrangements from abusive families, another topic entirely). I came away learning more about the specific shame mothers feel when this happens, something that often prevents them from moving forward in their lives. McGregor, who is estranged from her son, offers a guided path to a future of acceptance.

[Oakley Taylor · Rating 5 out of 5]

The amazing thing about this book is the number of parents, especially women, that have endured the estrangement of adult children whom we always believed would love us. Ms. McGregor has thoughtfully accumulated a collection of tragic stories about parents, mostly mothers, who have suffered the most excruciating loss. This book is well organized and written and easy to read; I finished it in two days. The author offers hope for parents that have been left shell shocked by the loss of a human being they loved and treasured and a child whose love they thought they could always count on. Ms. McGregor shows us a direction that allows all of us to find a way to move past the heartbreak and move on with a renewed value and the tools to lead a fruitful life.

[Cyndi Baker · Rating 5 out of 5]

To all those reading this review, I sincerely pray you never have to read this book. For those that need to read this book PLEASE read it. And please don’t wait until you have lost every single shred of dignity as a parent and shame in your self worth.
After thousands of $$ spent on counselors and psychologists, that were only somewhat helpful, this book was a game changer. The author presents how to look at the past differently vs the continual same reel one plays over and over in their mind. The author then progresses to offering strategies for the future and suggestions on how to be your best version of yourself with kindness.
To the author Sheri McGregor: I’m so glad I found you and this book!

[Claudia · Rating 3 out of 5]

I had never heard of the phenomenon known as Estranged Adult Children—until it happened to us! The author of Done With The Crying…wrote from her own experience as such a parent, as well as from her professional experience as a Certified Life Coach. Much of her information is drawn from over 9000 parents who admitted to having an adult child who had severed their relationship.
The book is mostly well written, although heavy on lists and goal setting. The final chapters are especially helpful with practical information to consider about end of life decisions. It is written from a life coach perspective, rather than from a mental health or therapeutic approach with practical suggestions.