Mid-Life Ex-Wife

by Stella Grey

Nora Ephron meets Bridget Jones's Diary in Guardian columnist Stella Grey’s heartrendingly honest, witty memoir about her online odyssey to find real love in a virtual world.

“The literary equivalent of the When Harry Met Sally line, ‘tell me I’ll never be out there again’.”—JoJo Moyes, #1 New York Times bestselling author of Me Before You

Singers may croon about love being lovelier the second time around, but it can also be far more complicated. When Stella Grey’s husband leaves her for another woman, she fears she'll be unhappy and alone for the rest of her life. But daytime vodka-drinking and ice-cream are only short-term consolations. Realizing that she needs to take her future into her own hands, Stella dives into the world of online dating. What follow are 693 days of hilarious, depressing, and baffling encounters that unfold both in person and online. Stella quickly discovers that the more perfect a man appears on her screen, the warier she should be. It's a game of chance, with some players perfectly willing to lie to get what they want, whether that’s a lifetime of love or a very brief encounter.

Amid flirty emails, Skype chats, and awkward small talk over glasses of bad wine (which may or may not lead to awkward sex), Stella struggles to remain optimistic. To succeed, does she have to redefine the kind of man she’s looking for—or change the kind of woman she is? Funny, raw, and heartwarming, this book is a brutally honest account of the world of online dating—a world which so many of us are a part of, no matter our age—drawn from Stella’s hugely popular Guardian column, “Mid-life Ex-Wife” (and expanded with new material) about her search for a second chance at love.

 

Genres: Nonfiction, Chick Lit, Memoir, Relationships, Humor, Biography Memoir, Romance

300 pages, Kindle Edition

First published May 2, 2017

Reviews

[Jean · Rating 1 out of 5]

This book just made me cringe. I'm glad for the happy ending but good grief, really? The hook-up mentality is alive and well in the over 50 crowd, evidently. Online dating is a racket, regardless the age.

[Olga Kowalska (WielkiBuk) · Rating 2 out of 5]

Stella Grey nie jest Bridget Jones. Stella Grey nie jest „każdą z nas” i nie jest też „każdą zostawioną kobietą w średnim wieku”. Nie ma wartości uniwersalnych, a jej historia to zbiór powiązanych tematycznie ze sobą sztampowych opowiastek, które mógłby zmyślić każdy, kto ma dość bujną wyobraźnię i doświadczenie w pisaniu felietonów. Jej „książka” może służyć jako poradnik, a raczej zbiór wszystkich możliwych porad i rad dotyczących randkowania w sieci, które również w sieci można znaleźć na niemal każdym tematycznym portalu. A te porady niestety również pozostają stereotypowe, bo rada typu: bierz pod uwagę ludzką skłonność do łatwych ocen, czy nie sypiaj z facetem na pierwszej randce, to frazes, którym niemal każdy może sypnąć z rękawa. Jedyne, co Stella Grey daje czytelniczkom to naiwna nadzieja i potwierdzenie, że dzięki portalom randkowym można znaleźć swojego księcia z bajki, swojego Edwarda i żyć długo i szczęśliwie, także po pięćdziesiątce. I może tej obietnicy teraz miłośniczkom Stelli Grey tak potrzeba.

[Sarah · Rating 5 out of 5]

I really liked this book. I wouldn't be put off by the low reviews. Stella Grey is very honest and open and able to critique herself with hindsight. She doesn't describe herself as pretty or thin or meek - she's a real woman venturing into the scary world of online dating in her 50s.

Online dating at any age is difficult to navigate - we make mistakes and look back and cringe, and hope it'll all be worth it in the end.

I'd recommend this for younger or older readers. I'm in my 20s and enjoyed it.

[Aimee Shaffer · Rating 1 out of 5]

I tried to like this book. I was hoping for an entertaining read for the summer. I guess it just wasn't what I was expecting. I only got a few chapters in and just couldn't go any further.

[Fred · Rating 3 out of 5]

This is a brutally honest and open account of the modern search for love.

This memoir of the author's years searching for second love through internet dating is based on a column the author wrote for a British newspaper, sort of like a "Sex and the City" for the internet age, which was based on an extensive dating diary she kept about her experiences. She talks about the various types of men, as well as some specific ones, that she meets. She discusses her own dating profile and those of men, wondering and agonizing about the truth behind her words and those of the men she reads about. She laments all sorts of distasteful truths about the online dating world today, such as men's desire for ever-younger, only-pretty women, their disturbing penchant for sending pictures of their private parts, the phenomenon of Skype-sex, men who are "serial daters," and those that are married and looking for flings. She discusses experiences of falling in love before, and being disappointed upon, meeting, as well as meeting, and falling in like, when the like is not reciprocated. There's also a lot of deep thinking about the larger issues at play in society: modern roles of men and women, the seemingly unchanging expectations men have of women, the frustrating persistence of outdated sexual and gender politics, the pressure to give into sex on the first date, etc.

The honesty is searing. Nothing is held back: her insecurities, her shortcomings, her needs and desires, hopes and dreams, all of which influence her behavior on these dating sites. Her anger and shame at the men who reject her based on her looks; the hopelessness of feeling she'll ever find The One; the propensity to fall head-over-heels with just a profile or even a picture; the discomfort with sex-talk from near-strangers.

A real anger comes through, at the unfair realities of life and relationships. The author has a feminist worldview and non-understanding or denial of male nature. She finds herself unpleasantly surprised that men want young, pretty and thin women, for example. Being out of the dating scene for many years, perhaps she believed modern nature or male-female relations had evolved past that. Men, however, will always want younger women. Men base attraction on looks, disadvantaging less-than-gorgeous females, while women base attraction on intellect and emotion. Men's ages don't matter to potential mates the way women's ages do. Men are not expected to beautify, exercise, primp, dress to kill, etc, the way women are. And the author does not like that one bit. One of the cruelties of the online dating world is that the men, for the most part, hold the power of choosing. In addition, third-wave feminism, with its insistence that women should be able to be as libertine and free with sex as men, has made men more, not less, predatory and expectant of sex. This is maddening, and makes the dating game much harder for women than it used to be.

I started out liking this book very much. The author's humor and tone make this experience fun to read about, and her brutal honesty and self-assessment make this a fascinating read. I found myself breathlessly living the first dates as she does, from the pre-date ritual of choosing (and unchoosing) just the right outfit, picking just the right jewelry, etc., through the actual dates themselves, nervously talking too much when she liked the guy, nearly falling asleep when she didn't, wondering if he was going to kiss her at the end, etc. But about halfway through it started getting a little depressing. The dates and experiences, as well as Grey's own behaviors and insecurities, seemed to follow certain patterns, and didn't diverge from them. Also, the potential heartache inherent in each new guy is conveyed well -- too well, perhaps -- and the reader finds herself again, with the author, wondering: is he going to reject me? Is he going to ignore me? Is his face going to fall again upon seeing her, as others did before?

Thank you to the author and publisher for a review copy.

[Ktnrain · Rating 2 out of 5]

While I'm happy the author found happiness, I could barely get through this book. I downloaded as an audio book and found myself gripping my steering wheel so hard and getting angry at the author. I felt like I was listening to a teenager in a first relationship and kept yelling at her to stop graveling for the attention of these men who obviously weren't interested in her for whatever their reasons. Yes, I felt bad for this woman who desperately wanted to find love again, but at 50 years old, I had hoped for a more mature approach. This book made me thankful for being in a 26+ year loving marriage. I wish her and 'Edward' well.

[Lola · Rating 3 out of 5]

It was ok!

The book was just ok. I wouldn’t read it again because it was a slow read for me. I was mislead by the title and thought this was going to be an entertaining book. It was full of complaints about on line dating. I wouldn’t suggest someone interested in On line Dating read this book. ☹️

[Linda · Rating 1 out of 5]

DNF

[Kate · Rating 2 out of 5]

Meh. Was probably more effective as a column in The Guardian. Wanted it to be a little funnier.

[Vicki Bishop · Rating 2 out of 5]

I can't believe I read the whole book! If EVER I was tempted to try on line dating this book cured me.

[Julie · Rating 2 out of 5]

Cringeworthy at best. It redeemed itself to two stars in the last 45 pages. Actually, the best part of the book was the six line dedication on the very last page.

[Anne · Rating 2 out of 5]

I was interested in reading about her experience with online dating. Instead, she lists every breath she takes with every key stroke. Extremely boring.

[Lise M Dickson]

Feel sorry for every person who tries on line dating

[Marissa Marinucci · Rating 2 out of 5]

While this book had an interesting overall plot I found it to be really hard to get into. I was hoping there would be more of a humor aspect to it but there really wasn’t and it felt a bit too real as someone who has been going through the online dating woes.

[Lyana Margareth · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a good book and the reason I gave a 5 star because it is a book that I would read again.
The writer is honest and self aware enough and despite me wanting to yell “Do Not Engage. Block Him” (there’s a lot of Hims) , I sympathize and as someone who’s been in dating apps, feel for her quest for love and instead find the worst cases of what people do behind their protection of anonymity of a keyboard (yes, I know Stella Grey is an alias).
It would be interesting to read a male version of this.

[Tonya · Rating 5 out of 5]

Hilarious! I couldn't stop laughing out loud. She starts signing up on dating sites, being optimistic, and she says, she reckons she needed more sites and more variety so she signed up to every worthwhile looking one she could find and afford.

Men are sexual by natural. More so than women it seems. We look for love perhaps. Bad Skype's, and phone chats, email!s etc. This book will have you laughing late into the night.

You will begin to wonder if she is ever going to find live!

[Rachel · Rating 4 out of 5]

An unexpectedly delightful audiobook. Picture yourself at a bar listening to your brazen, hilarious British single girlfriend telling you about her latest online dating attempt. And there were a lot of attempts. The author had me laughing, cheering and wincing. The authors nerve in dating coupled with her candid writing style kept me hooked. A brilliant "beach read" style book that I feel is better listened to than read.

[Nancy · Rating 4 out of 5]

I couldn't put this book down. If I didn't have the feeling it would have a happy ending, I might have felt it was terribly depressing at times. The author's humor helped to keep things light. I am so glad it had the kind of ending I was rooting for, especially because it's a memoir. I am fascinated by a good love story, and love hearing how couples met, even if it involved 693 torturous days of online dating while in your fifties.

[C · Rating 4 out of 5]

I received this entertaining read as a Goodreads giveaway. As we follow the author through her various on-line dating escapades and mishaps, the reader also experiences her roller coaster ride of emotions and questionable choices. The lessons she learns throughout the 693 days are invaluable and show the author's growth mindset toward a satisfying conclusion.

[Gina Weber · Rating 1 out of 5]

Well, ignorance is bliss. Glad for the happy ending but geez, it couldn't get there soon enough. Why would anyone subject themselves to all the pervs out there. No one wants to be in the dating at this age but if you are, at least, respect yourself enough to not degrade yourself. Sad but happy for the ending...

[Amie · Rating 3 out of 5]

This was entertaining at first, but got really repetitive about half way through—I only kept reading to find out who she ended up with. Also, I have to wonder about some of the stories.....her experiences with online dating were nothing like my own— I had s hard time believing they weren’t embellished.

[Helen · Rating 1 out of 5]

I absolutely hated this book, it is just awful.

I also came to realise as I trudged my way through it that I had developed a deep dislike for the author - she is vile, there is just no other way to describe her.

[Candy · Rating 4 out of 5]

Had to cringe through some of this, but it's really an eye-opening look at online dating ...

[Leah Goeres · Rating 4 out of 5]

So pathetic it's funny. If you want to feel better about your dating life, this is the book for you. Excellent post-breakup fodder.

[Angie Fehl · Rating 5 out of 5]

Originally published as a column by the same name in The Guardian paper, this book was originally released in the UK in 2016 as The Heart Fix. Title aside, this read is not just for the divorced crowd, there's at least a few laughs here for anyone who has tried the circus that is online dating (I mean, who isn't entertained by reading hilariously presented dates-from-hell tales?).

Stella Grey (a pseudonym, btw) had the extra challenge of jumping into this world of dating apps (she joins 14 in total) as a middle-aged woman after having a husband unexpectedly and abruptly end their marriage. In this updated release, Grey adds in her current take on what she had on her original dating profiles, often comically critiquing herself like a tough-love type best friend with the "Oh, girl, NOOO" type responses to what she originally thought was her being clever. Grey also brings plenty of important, relevant commentary on how men and women tend to mis-perceive each other, the fallout from that being an unexpected and unique variety of grief and depression. She also gets into the conversation of how everyone is going to have preferences and THAT'S OKAY. You often see people in today's world take a great deal of offense to someone not really being all that into them for whatever reason, so it's always nice to have that periodic voice of reason to remind the crowd that hey, people like what they like, it's all good, just move on and keep on looking.

In her online adventures, Grey, because of her age, gets a harsh lesson in ageism (she steps into this process shortly after turning 50). She learns that it's pretty common for older men to put a cap on the age of the women they're looking for at 40. To try to get around this (figuring she'll explain the why in person), she lowers her own age on her profile to 40 so guys will at least talk to her, but once they get to talking, she tends to get a response something along the lines of "I won't start a relationship on a lie." While I can kind of understand the guy's side, I also feel bad for Grey... what's she supposed to do? She's just trying to get around an unfair aspect of the system. Yes, at times, she can come on a little too strong with some of these guys, but I'd say it's to be expected on some level, at least for a little while, when you've recently been booted out of a long term marriage and you're just trying to figure out all the new rules out there in the world of singledom and dating.

On one hand, reading this can be a little slice of heartbreak, thinking how unfair and close-minded some people can be with their lists and expectations of others, but Grey balances it with humor and "here's my takeaway" advice for single people of all ages. In the end, it comes down to know your worth, don't settle for anything, but also have fun with the process. Have a laugh, don't get TOO serious and clinical with it, and ultimately your go-with-the-flowness will assuredly have you bumping into your person right when it's perfectly meant to happen.

[David · Rating 3 out of 5]

Based on a column she wrote about dating (primarily online, though there's one coffee shop meet-cute that doesn't really go anywhere) after divorce. She's pretty funny, and I can see how many of the specific incidents/dates/online interactions would lend themselves to the column format. Back-to-back-to-back as a full book, though, it had a couple drawbacks IMO:

1. Very little about her marriage or its demise. Maybe advice she got from editor as she alludes to their being a lot on this topic in the dating diaries on which she drew. I understand in regular life it's aversive to new people if you drone on about prior relationships, but in this context it seemed surprising to omit any real substance about what went well or poorly the first time given how strongly focused on getting married (or at least in a monogamous LTR) again she is.

2. There's quite a bit of self-deprecation, notably about her appearance, to a tedious degree -- she describes herself often as plain and overweight, sometimes with an edge as in complaining that these features should not matter to men, but more often in a vein of "this is unfortunate, but nothing i can do about it" akin to "we're deciding life outcomes with a sprint, and I'm wearing ankle weights today. Damn."..............

...........which would evoke more empathy except that she herself repeatedly screens men out for being short or not well-read or too interested in sports or exercise.

Everybody gets to have their own preferences, obviously, but it did sort of grate on me after a while to keep reading hers as if they were objective facts about the world (too many middle-aged British men are into fitness apparently), whereas someone else's are unfair biases.

Anyway.......will close with two random observations:

(a) This may be well-known to the young people, but I was startled in reading this how blunt online daters were with her. I suppose she may have provoked it a bit, as she was at least at first a little oblivious and would keep following up with long emails and "did you get my text?" followups well after someone had seemed pretty clearly uninterested, but quite a few were extremely rude about not being attracted to her.

When I was young and single there was no Internet, and I guess that was inefficient in that you couldn't readily find an infinite number of potential partners to review, but one upside was that people not attracted to you tended to express this by ignoring/avoiding you or just making up face-saving BS. I don't think anybody who had to speak to someone in person would be as mean as the people author encountered online.

(b) this story ends well with her in a happy couple, but I think she should still be a bit wary. It's in a laundry list of cute endearing differences between them, but I was alarmed that her gentleman caller "teases me for having Fleetwood Mac [on her Ipod]" (p. 273). Fleetwood Mac is outstanding! This guy is of poor character, and she should set him straight.

[Valerie · Rating 3 out of 5]

Audiobook that I wish was narrated by the author. I also wish the author would identify herself. Premise of book: a divorced woman in her 50’s tries online dating after her husband falls in love with another woman. Author details her dates, the men she is involved with virtually and in person, as well as recounts interactions between herself and the men as well as processes her feelings and actions. At the end of the book she claims in her 60’s she will be even more independent than she already is. I never got that sense about her independence other than she lived alone. In fact, at times she bordered on stalkerish with her continued texting and emailing of possible dates wanting/ needing reasons, reassurance, and attention. Yes, many of these guys were just looking for hookups but the continued pursuance of them and wanting explanations seemed like she didn’t really understand the rules/terms of online dating.
In addition to women, she dispenses advice to men. I don’t see many men reading this book nor do I think she changed their behavior. The guys who are all about sex, send dick pics, etc, are a certain type of man in the manosphere and they are there for a reason.
Mildly entertaining.

[Kristin · Rating 3 out of 5]

I have to agree with you ladies who who cringed throughout this book - it's extremely embarrassing at times, but I have to give the author credit for being so brutally honest! Have tried online dating myself way back (and did also get a marriage out of it) - and to those of you who think the author is exaggerating and making this stuff up - nope!

It's a jungle of crazy, degrading and angry men out there... And some true gems too - so - don't be discourages by this book - learn form her mistakes - and NEVER go home with a total stranger and let him rape you - just because you're a people pleaser as the author said she did.... That's one of the worst scenes from this book - in my opinion.

[Sarah Emma Ruth · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book was equal parts hilarious and crushing. It left me in absolute awe of the authors wisdom wit resilience and truly jubilant for her at the end. Her comedic timing is perfection, and the book rang honest and true. No where near as brave or resilient as Stella was in the years she lived out this book-I love how she doesn’t let her memoir become a sales pitch for online dating-, but regardless happy to have witnessed her journey.

[Mary Kay · Rating 2 out of 5]

I have never written a book, but I have thought of it often. When I went through my own divorce, my friends all told me to write a book based on my experiences and the online dating world. This book made me wish that I did! My stories are funnier and my outcome is happier. Oh well!!! Maybe some day!