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Enough as She Is: How to Help Girls Move Beyond Impossible Standards of Success to Live Healthy, Happy, and Fulfilling Lives
From the New York Times bestselling author of Odd Girl Out, a deeply urgent audiobook that gives adults the tools to help girls in high school and college reject "supergirl" pressure, overcome a toxic stress culture, and become resilient adults with healthy, happy, and fulfilling lives.
For many girls today, the drive to achieve is fueled by brutal self-criticism and an acute fear of failure. Though young women have never been more "successful"–outpacing boys in GPAs and college enrollment–they have also never struggled more. On the surface, girls may seem exceptional, but in reality, they are anxious and overwhelmed, feeling that, no matter how hard they try, they will never be smart enough, successful enough, pretty enough, thin enough, popular enough, or sexy enough.
Rachel Simmons has been researching young women for two decades, and her research plainly shows that girl competence does not equal girl confidence—nor does it equal happiness, resilience, or self-worth. Backed by vivid case studies, Simmons warns that we have raised a generation of young women so focused on achieving that they avoid healthy risks, overthink setbacks, and suffer from imposter syndrome, believing they are frauds. As they spend more time projecting an image of effortless perfection on social media, these girls are prone to withdraw from the essential relationships that offer solace and support and bolster self-esteem.
Deeply empathetic and meticulously researched, Enough As She Is offers a clear understanding of this devastating problem and provides practical parenting advice—including teaching girls self-compassion as an alternative to self-criticism, how to manage overthinking, resist the constant urge to compare themselves to peers, take healthy risks, navigate toxic elements of social media, prioritize self-care, and seek support when they need it. Enough As She Is sounds an alarm to parents and educators, arguing that young women can do more than survive adolescence. They can thrive. Enough As She Is shows us how.
For many girls today, the drive to achieve is fueled by brutal self-criticism and an acute fear of failure. Though young women have never been more "successful"–outpacing boys in GPAs and college enrollment–they have also never struggled more. On the surface, girls may seem exceptional, but in reality, they are anxious and overwhelmed, feeling that, no matter how hard they try, they will never be smart enough, successful enough, pretty enough, thin enough, popular enough, or sexy enough.
Rachel Simmons has been researching young women for two decades, and her research plainly shows that girl competence does not equal girl confidence—nor does it equal happiness, resilience, or self-worth. Backed by vivid case studies, Simmons warns that we have raised a generation of young women so focused on achieving that they avoid healthy risks, overthink setbacks, and suffer from imposter syndrome, believing they are frauds. As they spend more time projecting an image of effortless perfection on social media, these girls are prone to withdraw from the essential relationships that offer solace and support and bolster self-esteem.
Deeply empathetic and meticulously researched, Enough As She Is offers a clear understanding of this devastating problem and provides practical parenting advice—including teaching girls self-compassion as an alternative to self-criticism, how to manage overthinking, resist the constant urge to compare themselves to peers, take healthy risks, navigate toxic elements of social media, prioritize self-care, and seek support when they need it. Enough As She Is sounds an alarm to parents and educators, arguing that young women can do more than survive adolescence. They can thrive. Enough As She Is shows us how.
309 pages, Kindle Edition
First published February 27, 2018
323 people are currently reading
3178 people want to read
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August 21, 2018
I selected this among the faculty summer reading options because I had been teaching at an all-boys school for a while before re-entering a co-ed setting. I am also a mother of a girl.
As a teacher, I am often disturbed by what Simmons calls "the college application industrial complex," which is of course not unique to girls. Granted, that's easy for me to say since I've had the privilege of incredible education during and after secondary school. However. It still concerns me when students and parents are more obsessed with the grades than the actual learning that the letters are supposed to reflect. What disturbs me most is when students (and parents) name wealth and comfort as the primary motivators in working hard and doing "well." Students do indeed often fall into "the cult of effortless perfection" and "stress olympics" for such an ultimately shallow end. Unless they push forward with a deeper, truer-to-who-they-are purpose, their identities and sense of self-worth become so fragile, without roots.
Having taught primarily at high-achieving private and independent schools, I have grown more and more concerned about all the ways in which we tend to coddle our students. Yes. It is very important to know our students inside-out... to care for the whole student, to be accessible and supportive in a wide range of ways... to meet them where they are and be understanding of their different learning styles, histories, and personal stories. I really love that aspect of teaching. At the same time, it's important to create opportunities for them to make mistakes and fail... to learn how to manage stresses and obstacles independently, in addition to collaboratively and with support from their networks. They must not take it for granted that things will "work out" for them because someone else will do the heavy lifting and problem-solving for them. They must be held accountable to high standards, even with the grace that we can offer in dire circumstances. But I find that many private schools tend to make it nearly impossible for a student to fail in the name of "student support." I saw this perpetuated at the tertiary level when I was advising at Harvard and gosh... I don't think it's good for our students, at any level. It's also an equity issue on a wider scale.
Much of what Simmons writes about is not surprising, but it's all pretty sobering anyway. I too grew up in a "nice girl" culture, which resulted in me putting myself down or deciding not to stand up for myself in the name of "being nice" or "not hurting another's feelings." I too have fallen into the trap of browsing others' curated perfect lives on social media and feeling bad about myself in comparison. I've definitely specialized and played it safe rather than taking risks for fear of not excelling in all that I do. I really regret not asking more questions and admitting ignorance earlier, more often. Some helpful reminders:
Learning goals are more useful than performance goals (12)
"she should not mistake having a plan for having a purpose [...] Mistakes are sometimes the only way we get to figure out what we genuinely want out of life" (14)
"Try to see those people for what they are, not for what you're not" (44)
"Why am I doing this? What is my intention? How am I feeling right now? If I am looking to be filled up with affirmation from others, is this the right way to do it?" (45)
"What are you grateful for that your body allows you to do?" (61)
"What does she need from you right now? Is it connection? Reassurance? Redirect with questions that help her get to the deeper source of the insecurity" (68)
Ask: "What would happen if your worry became a reality? Say more. What would that mean?" (73)
Process Praise: "asking her about the strategies she used to achieve her goal, and if she had to change course along the way": "When used in response to a success, process praise reminds a girl that she can improve herself through practice and that nothing is 'fixed.' Change is possible, always. [...] Process praise tells girls that setbacks are a meaningful part of any learning process. It also lets girls know that Mom and Dad don't need them to crush it on the first try" (87)
"What matters isn't just how long one persists, but why one does so" (174)
"When you remove extrinsic rewards, you are forced to find out what drives you internally" (189)
"Younger girls typically want your help but older girls typically want your empathy" (194)
They're watching! "There is higher order mimicry still in play: the one where she watches how we respond to stress and take risks, how we speak to ourselves in the moments after a mistake, and how we talk about our appearance" (196)
Distorted expectations of ourselves (from Dear Sugar advice column): "You loathe yourself, and yet you're consumed by grandiose ideas you have about your own importance. [...] You're up too high and down too low. Neither is the place where we get any work done. We get the work done on the ground level" (202)
This book is clearly geared towards upper-middle-class, predominantly white girls. She's relatively overt about that. It's far less helpful for those thinking about and working with girls who don't fall into those privileged groups. Simmons touches on this for a paragraph here and there but that's not her area of expertise so she doesn't really go into it. I don't blame her for it. We just need more resources to help us better work with a wider intersectionality of girls. I also think that this book could've been whittled down to a single article... it's much too verbose, with too many anecdotes and self-promotion.
As a teacher, I am often disturbed by what Simmons calls "the college application industrial complex," which is of course not unique to girls. Granted, that's easy for me to say since I've had the privilege of incredible education during and after secondary school. However. It still concerns me when students and parents are more obsessed with the grades than the actual learning that the letters are supposed to reflect. What disturbs me most is when students (and parents) name wealth and comfort as the primary motivators in working hard and doing "well." Students do indeed often fall into "the cult of effortless perfection" and "stress olympics" for such an ultimately shallow end. Unless they push forward with a deeper, truer-to-who-they-are purpose, their identities and sense of self-worth become so fragile, without roots.
Having taught primarily at high-achieving private and independent schools, I have grown more and more concerned about all the ways in which we tend to coddle our students. Yes. It is very important to know our students inside-out... to care for the whole student, to be accessible and supportive in a wide range of ways... to meet them where they are and be understanding of their different learning styles, histories, and personal stories. I really love that aspect of teaching. At the same time, it's important to create opportunities for them to make mistakes and fail... to learn how to manage stresses and obstacles independently, in addition to collaboratively and with support from their networks. They must not take it for granted that things will "work out" for them because someone else will do the heavy lifting and problem-solving for them. They must be held accountable to high standards, even with the grace that we can offer in dire circumstances. But I find that many private schools tend to make it nearly impossible for a student to fail in the name of "student support." I saw this perpetuated at the tertiary level when I was advising at Harvard and gosh... I don't think it's good for our students, at any level. It's also an equity issue on a wider scale.
Much of what Simmons writes about is not surprising, but it's all pretty sobering anyway. I too grew up in a "nice girl" culture, which resulted in me putting myself down or deciding not to stand up for myself in the name of "being nice" or "not hurting another's feelings." I too have fallen into the trap of browsing others' curated perfect lives on social media and feeling bad about myself in comparison. I've definitely specialized and played it safe rather than taking risks for fear of not excelling in all that I do. I really regret not asking more questions and admitting ignorance earlier, more often. Some helpful reminders:
Learning goals are more useful than performance goals (12)
"she should not mistake having a plan for having a purpose [...] Mistakes are sometimes the only way we get to figure out what we genuinely want out of life" (14)
"Try to see those people for what they are, not for what you're not" (44)
"Why am I doing this? What is my intention? How am I feeling right now? If I am looking to be filled up with affirmation from others, is this the right way to do it?" (45)
"What are you grateful for that your body allows you to do?" (61)
"What does she need from you right now? Is it connection? Reassurance? Redirect with questions that help her get to the deeper source of the insecurity" (68)
Ask: "What would happen if your worry became a reality? Say more. What would that mean?" (73)
Process Praise: "asking her about the strategies she used to achieve her goal, and if she had to change course along the way": "When used in response to a success, process praise reminds a girl that she can improve herself through practice and that nothing is 'fixed.' Change is possible, always. [...] Process praise tells girls that setbacks are a meaningful part of any learning process. It also lets girls know that Mom and Dad don't need them to crush it on the first try" (87)
"What matters isn't just how long one persists, but why one does so" (174)
"When you remove extrinsic rewards, you are forced to find out what drives you internally" (189)
"Younger girls typically want your help but older girls typically want your empathy" (194)
They're watching! "There is higher order mimicry still in play: the one where she watches how we respond to stress and take risks, how we speak to ourselves in the moments after a mistake, and how we talk about our appearance" (196)
Distorted expectations of ourselves (from Dear Sugar advice column): "You loathe yourself, and yet you're consumed by grandiose ideas you have about your own importance. [...] You're up too high and down too low. Neither is the place where we get any work done. We get the work done on the ground level" (202)
This book is clearly geared towards upper-middle-class, predominantly white girls. She's relatively overt about that. It's far less helpful for those thinking about and working with girls who don't fall into those privileged groups. Simmons touches on this for a paragraph here and there but that's not her area of expertise so she doesn't really go into it. I don't blame her for it. We just need more resources to help us better work with a wider intersectionality of girls. I also think that this book could've been whittled down to a single article... it's much too verbose, with too many anecdotes and self-promotion.
December 2, 2018
I picked this book up as a resource for working with my counseling clients, but I quickly realized I was reading it for myself. This book helped me realize so much - it normalized my anxiety, my desire to be everything to everyone, and my overwhelming need to be the best. It taught me that despite feeling this way, it’s ok to fail, or feel confused, or say no. I absolutely loved this book and recommend it to anyone who feels like they don’t quite measure up to the impossible standards we come against every day. Spoiler alert: you’re doing a good job, ladies. 💛
September 4, 2020
Well, I wish I would have read this when it first came out in 2018 as it might have helped me better navigate the phase of life my then h.s. junior was in. This book's advice still resonates with me as a parent of a college soph and I found several nuggets that would apply to my 40-something self, too. The target audience is parents of high-school and college-age women.
The book is full of practical analysis from a field researcher and includes real-life, relatable scenarios. Chapters are clearly outlined, allowing the reader to pick and choose subjects most relevant. The chapters can also serve a jump-off points when shared openly for parent-child conversations. The book has a solid narrative, so a straight read through works well.
The book does not delve into issues of gender identity, sexuality, nor does it provide parenting approaches when a child has a clinical diagnoses such as depression, anxiety, ADHD, etc. This is a much lighter, preemptive approach. If facing a crisis-level situation, other resources will be more valuable.
Enough as She Is provides solid strategies and research-based advice without being preachy or focused on "girl-power."
The book is full of practical analysis from a field researcher and includes real-life, relatable scenarios. Chapters are clearly outlined, allowing the reader to pick and choose subjects most relevant. The chapters can also serve a jump-off points when shared openly for parent-child conversations. The book has a solid narrative, so a straight read through works well.
The book does not delve into issues of gender identity, sexuality, nor does it provide parenting approaches when a child has a clinical diagnoses such as depression, anxiety, ADHD, etc. This is a much lighter, preemptive approach. If facing a crisis-level situation, other resources will be more valuable.
Enough as She Is provides solid strategies and research-based advice without being preachy or focused on "girl-power."
March 10, 2018
This is a very important book in today's world. Girls and young women are under an overwhelming onslaught of perfection. Getting into the right school, having enough AP classes and/or sports, etc. It never seems to end. If a girl is seen as not being perfect, then something must be wrong with them. Rachel Simmons proves that this is the furthest thing from the truth.
Her main argument is that from a young age girls are told things like "you can be anything you want" or "if you set your mind to it, you can do it." While this might seem like good things to say, they may actually be doing more harm than good. Yes, women have come a long way over the last several decades (like running for president and running companies), but many times that comes at a high cost--young women's mental health. How much is too much? I've seen it, and have lived through many of the things that Simmons discusses, taking an overload of college prep courses to get into a good school, all while having to look flawless. Even extending into college, needing to know what it is you'd like to do for the rest of their lives by age 18 is insane (I didn't know what I wanted to do at that age, so sue me).
I appreciated Simmons' calling it the "College Application Industrial Complex" because it's so very accurate. What are all the AP classes, sports, and other activities really getting you and your daughter? The true answer is probably something along the lines of "not as happy as either of us would like." An example: I live in California, where going to a University of California (or UC as they're more commonly called here) is somehow better and more prestigious than going to a California State University (again, commonly called a CSU). Admittedly, the UCs do have more stringent requirements, but does it offer a better education? I started my college career at a community college before transferring to a CSU, where I believe I got an education that was gasp just as good as one at a UC. But for some reason, the UC is more of a "brand name," I guess you would call it (and I might add, at a cheaper price). I'm not saying that people shouldn't apply or go to a UC school, all I'm saying is that find a school that fits your daughter the best, not the one that makes the parents look or feel better about their standing in life because that isn't your kid's job.
Another point in Simmons' book that I thought made sense was the way that young women seem to have to be pretty all the time. You literally can't escape from it. Girls are told that they should be kind and pretty, more of a seen and not heard. One passage stands out, about how this can follow girls all the to and through college. "In the 1990s, I showed up to college classes in sweats. Today, the roll-out-of-bed look has gone the way of the overhead projector." (page 147) I have also seen this firsthand, why do women need to look like a CEO for a 9:00 am class while many guys show up in pajamas or athletic gear? That has never made sense to me. Whatever you feel most comfortable in, but also practical, is what you should wear. Don't make someone else make you feel as though you aren't good enough because your clothes aren't name brand.
Anyway, all in all I think this is an important book.
Her main argument is that from a young age girls are told things like "you can be anything you want" or "if you set your mind to it, you can do it." While this might seem like good things to say, they may actually be doing more harm than good. Yes, women have come a long way over the last several decades (like running for president and running companies), but many times that comes at a high cost--young women's mental health. How much is too much? I've seen it, and have lived through many of the things that Simmons discusses, taking an overload of college prep courses to get into a good school, all while having to look flawless. Even extending into college, needing to know what it is you'd like to do for the rest of their lives by age 18 is insane (I didn't know what I wanted to do at that age, so sue me).
I appreciated Simmons' calling it the "College Application Industrial Complex" because it's so very accurate. What are all the AP classes, sports, and other activities really getting you and your daughter? The true answer is probably something along the lines of "not as happy as either of us would like." An example: I live in California, where going to a University of California (or UC as they're more commonly called here) is somehow better and more prestigious than going to a California State University (again, commonly called a CSU). Admittedly, the UCs do have more stringent requirements, but does it offer a better education? I started my college career at a community college before transferring to a CSU, where I believe I got an education that was gasp just as good as one at a UC. But for some reason, the UC is more of a "brand name," I guess you would call it (and I might add, at a cheaper price). I'm not saying that people shouldn't apply or go to a UC school, all I'm saying is that find a school that fits your daughter the best, not the one that makes the parents look or feel better about their standing in life because that isn't your kid's job.
Another point in Simmons' book that I thought made sense was the way that young women seem to have to be pretty all the time. You literally can't escape from it. Girls are told that they should be kind and pretty, more of a seen and not heard. One passage stands out, about how this can follow girls all the to and through college. "In the 1990s, I showed up to college classes in sweats. Today, the roll-out-of-bed look has gone the way of the overhead projector." (page 147) I have also seen this firsthand, why do women need to look like a CEO for a 9:00 am class while many guys show up in pajamas or athletic gear? That has never made sense to me. Whatever you feel most comfortable in, but also practical, is what you should wear. Don't make someone else make you feel as though you aren't good enough because your clothes aren't name brand.
Anyway, all in all I think this is an important book.
July 22, 2019
I was assigned this book as a summer professional development reading for my upcoming teaching job at an all-girls high school. Rachel Simmons will be delivering a speech to the students in August. First, let me say that "self-help," or "personal development" are totally NOT my genres. I am a literature lover (especially novels), but I do read an occasional non-fiction text, and I have been trying to work more of them into my reading list. This book makes some good points and rings true in many ways (as I'm sure it does and will for most women); however, it felt a little breezy at times, and a little repetitive. Many of the points seemed fairly obvious, though I suppose validation through research does make it easier for us to see how widespread certain thought patterns are amongst girls and women. I appreciated the author's purpose in writing the book, but the sample questions and conversations for parents struck me as a little cheesy and unrealistic. I don't have any children, so maybe that part just didn't hit home with me.
I found the chapters about body image and failure to be most useful, while the ones about social media seemed to maybe over-simplify the way young people use and view those platforms. The chapter about the college applications process was interesting to me as someone who has taught college seniors for the past eight years and taught college freshmen for several years before that. As a teacher, I often feel torn between encouraging students in their application and preparation for standardized tests and voicing all of the ways information on applications can't necessarily predict what will make one a successful college student.
I felt that a lot of the insights Simmons offered were things I learned with age and experience. I get, though, that her point is that it's not necessary for girls to just endure all of the poor self-talk and flaws of the culture in which they grow up. I agree that it is good to give girls tools to overcome or moderate those inner voices that can be overly critical and can stop girls and women from taking risks and making changes.
I found the chapters about body image and failure to be most useful, while the ones about social media seemed to maybe over-simplify the way young people use and view those platforms. The chapter about the college applications process was interesting to me as someone who has taught college seniors for the past eight years and taught college freshmen for several years before that. As a teacher, I often feel torn between encouraging students in their application and preparation for standardized tests and voicing all of the ways information on applications can't necessarily predict what will make one a successful college student.
I felt that a lot of the insights Simmons offered were things I learned with age and experience. I get, though, that her point is that it's not necessary for girls to just endure all of the poor self-talk and flaws of the culture in which they grow up. I agree that it is good to give girls tools to overcome or moderate those inner voices that can be overly critical and can stop girls and women from taking risks and making changes.
May 22, 2018
This book is good but not great ... although maybe it would be great for someone for whom this material is new. Since I teach in a girls' high school, a lot of Simmons's work was going over old ground for me, although she did it engagingly. Be warned that the major emphasis here is on high achieving, middle and upper class girls, especially in the Northeast. For my purposes, that's fine -- that's who and where I teach! -- but her conclusions are not universal. She mentions working class girls and girls of color and queer girls, but the major emphasis seems to be rich/ish white girls.
February 20, 2019
If you have a daughter or have ever been one, this book has some great advice for you. Much of Ms. Simmons research and antidotes feels tailored for upper class, white, Ivy Leaguers even though she sites many statistics for lower class, ethnic, immigrant, and LGBTQ girls. Underneath the talk of college admissions to so-and-so's alma mater, the advice is sound. Stop trying to be perfect. You can't do it all. Take risks to discover your passion.
February 14, 2022
This is a good one for parents of girls who are concerned about depression, anxiety, self confidence, and resiliency. Current research and interviews are used to illustrate what girls are up against in today's culture and the author offers concrete ways to address major issues. It, however, does not address diversity well. While she mentions race, income, and immigrant families here and there it is largely to point out some major differences- so clearly additional books and resources are needed to cover the breadth of girls.
I find I have to read several of these types of books on similar topics before everything really sinks in and I can envision how to implement changes in how I parent. I found quite a bit of overlap between this book and three others I recently read: How to Raise an Adult, Excellent Sheep, and Social Justice Parenting. Big take aways for me:
*What are your family values? What do you emphasize and model for your kids?
*Do you create a space for her to take risk & rebound from failure?
*Are goals made too large & expectations too high?
*Do you model self-compassion & silencing the inner critic?
*Is everything already laid out for her or does she have choice & control in making her own path? Is there space for the unknowns?
I find I have to read several of these types of books on similar topics before everything really sinks in and I can envision how to implement changes in how I parent. I found quite a bit of overlap between this book and three others I recently read: How to Raise an Adult, Excellent Sheep, and Social Justice Parenting. Big take aways for me:
*What are your family values? What do you emphasize and model for your kids?
*Do you create a space for her to take risk & rebound from failure?
*Are goals made too large & expectations too high?
*Do you model self-compassion & silencing the inner critic?
*Is everything already laid out for her or does she have choice & control in making her own path? Is there space for the unknowns?
June 23, 2022
This is a great book for parents and teachers of girls ages 10-25! It describes the struggles adolescent girls must face. It tells research related to those struggles, and recommends how parents can help their daughters to overcome these struggles.
August 4, 2018
I found this book to be full of practical advice about having conversations with one's daughter(s), which can also be applied by teachers who teach adolescent girls. It was enlightening for me, and a little alarming as well. The author uses her own professional experience and research to discuss topics such as social media and the "college application industrial complex." She paints a picture of girls who are expected to be perfect in all sorts of ways, and the stress this is causing them. She offers practical advice on how adults can have productive and non-judgmental conversations to help young women reframe their experiences and avoid the self-talk & viewpoints that cause them to feel that they have to live up to "impossible standards of success."
Where I found myself digressing from the author's opinion was with respect to social media. I was hoping she would recommend a more restrictive approach to use of social media by young people, but instead she treats it as a fact of life. Although most young people today DO see social media as mandatory, in reality, it is not. See Computer Science Professor Cal Newport's TED Talk about why he doesn't use social media (and read his book Deep Work).
I do think the book has value, but the advice and narratives have to be taken with a grain of salt.
Where I found myself digressing from the author's opinion was with respect to social media. I was hoping she would recommend a more restrictive approach to use of social media by young people, but instead she treats it as a fact of life. Although most young people today DO see social media as mandatory, in reality, it is not. See Computer Science Professor Cal Newport's TED Talk about why he doesn't use social media (and read his book Deep Work).
I do think the book has value, but the advice and narratives have to be taken with a grain of salt.
Read
May 11, 2018Simmons provides a clearly written and well reasoned look at the unrealistic expectations set on girls, especially in regards to the "college application industrial complex". She provides some reasonable actions for parents to take. This book is perhaps best read piecemeal as opposed to straight through. The best and perhaps most convicting chapters were: Can we fat talk?, Control alt delete, We can't give our children what we don't have.
One missing piece is how to find purpose or value without an overriding passion or skill. Parents of preteen girls and teachers would especially find this book valuable.
One missing piece is how to find purpose or value without an overriding passion or skill. Parents of preteen girls and teachers would especially find this book valuable.
April 11, 2018
Simmons provides a clearly written and well reasoned look at the unrealistic expectations set on girls, especially in regards to the college application industrial complex. She provides some reasonable actions for parents to take. This book is perhaps best read piecemeal as opposed to straight through. The best and perhaps most convicting chapters were: can we fat talk?, control alt delete, we can't give our children what we don't have.
one missing piece is how to find purpose or value rather than passion. A good secular work, but missing the underpinnings of a faith filled world view.
one missing piece is how to find purpose or value rather than passion. A good secular work, but missing the underpinnings of a faith filled world view.
January 15, 2020
This was a great read about helping manage your daughter through insecurities and self doubt. How do we help her daughters believe that they are enough as they are in a world that tells them constantly that they are not? And how to we help them cope in an achievement-driven, hyper competitive environment that we have essentially chosen for them. Great read. I’ll read it again when we get closer to the miserable college admissions mess.
March 2, 2020
The summary of the target audience is too broad. This book has a pretty narrow focus of parents of girls dealing with "college application industrial complex" as it's called in the book. There are still a lot of great points to take away, but this book is really meant for parents of Rory Gilmore and her BFF Paris. I feel like the message should be universally applicable, but the author focused it in too much.
February 21, 2019
Learned a lot about the kid version of me and ways to help both my son and daughter choose to be good solid humans. This was a library acquisition but plan to pick this up down the road for targeted looks. Not a fan of how to parent books so the rating is real.
August 24, 2021
Incredibly insightful, helpful book both as a parent and as a teacher. I learned a lot about myself in the process. I highly recommend to anyone who has a daughter or works with girls in any capacity. I know I will be revisiting this as my daughter gets older.
Read
July 11, 2024I have deliberately not rated this book as I don't have a strong opinion about it.
I read the book because it was a selection for a work book club.
At the time of the first meeting for this book, where chapters 1-5 were discussed, I had not yet started reading book. My daughter is currently finishing a master's degree and has started a permanent job in her field, so she's at the tail end of the life stage whose parents this book is targeting. The only other parent who was at that meeting is the mother of two pre-school boys, so she also is not currently part of the target audience. I think most of the people at the discussion were probably thinking back about being the students described in the book, not actively contemplating raising them.
I have now read the book, and we will be discussing the rest of it next week.
Was there interesting information in this book? Yes. Would it have changed how I parented my daughter through that life stage? Not much, I don't think.
I will be interested to hear my colleagues' thoughts on the rest of the book.
I read the book because it was a selection for a work book club.
At the time of the first meeting for this book, where chapters 1-5 were discussed, I had not yet started reading book. My daughter is currently finishing a master's degree and has started a permanent job in her field, so she's at the tail end of the life stage whose parents this book is targeting. The only other parent who was at that meeting is the mother of two pre-school boys, so she also is not currently part of the target audience. I think most of the people at the discussion were probably thinking back about being the students described in the book, not actively contemplating raising them.
I have now read the book, and we will be discussing the rest of it next week.
Was there interesting information in this book? Yes. Would it have changed how I parented my daughter through that life stage? Not much, I don't think.
I will be interested to hear my colleagues' thoughts on the rest of the book.
May 18, 2024
I picked this up as a tool to communicate better with my teen patients and I came away with so much more. This was so insightful, eye opening, and hit home in so many ways. Favorite takeaways:
- Choose learning goals over performance goals. You’ll enjoy it so much more and find more satisfaction.
- consider creating a failure resume to reflect and learn from your setbacks
- Defensive Pessimism: aka expecting to fail. So if you don’t fail, you’re pleasantly surprised but if you do fail, you’ve already expected as much.
Highly recommend this to any parent, educator, healthcare worker or anyone who interacts with teens. Oh, and anyone who is contributing to the narrative that perfection exists. Time to rewrite what we’ve been told and what we are portraying.
- Choose learning goals over performance goals. You’ll enjoy it so much more and find more satisfaction.
- consider creating a failure resume to reflect and learn from your setbacks
- Defensive Pessimism: aka expecting to fail. So if you don’t fail, you’re pleasantly surprised but if you do fail, you’ve already expected as much.
Highly recommend this to any parent, educator, healthcare worker or anyone who interacts with teens. Oh, and anyone who is contributing to the narrative that perfection exists. Time to rewrite what we’ve been told and what we are portraying.
July 11, 2020
This book really helped me feel better about myself and my life decisions, and it helped me reflect on the toxic culture around me. It touched on everything from using grades as a means of valuing oneself, to body dysmorphia, to bikini selfies on social media, and to entering the working world after college. It made me understand better the route to happiness in college and beyond and showed me how so many other high achieving girls feel the same way as I do and how so many other girls feel bad when they can’t achieve perfection. I would recommend it to anyone.
January 25, 2019
"Is it wrong that I wanted to underline every single word in this book? Simmons brilliantly crystallizes contemporary girls’ dilemma: the way old expectations and new imperatives collide; how a narrow, virtually unattainable vision of ‘success’ comes at the expense of self-worth and well-being. Enough As She is a must-read, not only for its diagnosis of the issues but for its insightful, useful strategies on how to address them."—Peggy Orenstein, author of Girls & Sex
"A brilliant and passionate call to action that reveals how girls and young women are suffering in our toxic culture of constant comparison and competition. This is the book parents need to change girls’ lives and guide them to truly become happy, healthy, and powerful adults."—Rosalind Wiseman, author of Queen Bees and Wannabees
From the New York Times bestselling author of Odd Girl Out, a deeply urgent book that gives adults the tools to help girls in high school and college reject "supergirl" pressure, overcome a toxic stress culture, and become resilient adults with healthy, happy, and fulfilling lives.
For many girls today, the drive to achieve is fueled by brutal self-criticism and an acute fear of failure. Though young women have never been more "successful"–outpacing boys in GPAs and college enrollment–they have also never struggled more. On the surface, girls may seem exceptional, but in reality, they are anxious and overwhelmed, feeling that, no matter how hard they try, they will never be smart enough, successful enough, pretty enough, thin enough, popular enough, or sexy enough.
Rachel Simmons has been researching young women for two decades, and her research plainly shows that girl competence does not equal girl confidence—nor does it equal happiness, resilience, or self-worth. Backed by vivid case studies, Simmons warns that we have raised a generation of young women so focused on achieving that they avoid healthy risks, overthink setbacks, and suffer from imposter syndrome, believing they are frauds. As they spend more time projecting an image of effortless perfection on social media, these girls are prone to withdraw from the essential relationships that offer solace and support and bolster self-esteem.
Deeply empathetic and meticulously researched, Enough As She Is offers a clear understanding of this devastating problem and provides practical parenting advice—including teaching girls self-compassion as an alternative to self-criticism, how to manage overthinking, resist the constant urge to compare themselves to peers, take healthy risks, navigate toxic elements of social media, prioritize self-care, and seek support when they need it. Enough As She Is sounds an alarm to parents and educators, arguing that young women can do more than survive adolescence. They can thrive. Enough As She Is shows us how.
"A brilliant and passionate call to action that reveals how girls and young women are suffering in our toxic culture of constant comparison and competition. This is the book parents need to change girls’ lives and guide them to truly become happy, healthy, and powerful adults."—Rosalind Wiseman, author of Queen Bees and Wannabees
From the New York Times bestselling author of Odd Girl Out, a deeply urgent book that gives adults the tools to help girls in high school and college reject "supergirl" pressure, overcome a toxic stress culture, and become resilient adults with healthy, happy, and fulfilling lives.
For many girls today, the drive to achieve is fueled by brutal self-criticism and an acute fear of failure. Though young women have never been more "successful"–outpacing boys in GPAs and college enrollment–they have also never struggled more. On the surface, girls may seem exceptional, but in reality, they are anxious and overwhelmed, feeling that, no matter how hard they try, they will never be smart enough, successful enough, pretty enough, thin enough, popular enough, or sexy enough.
Rachel Simmons has been researching young women for two decades, and her research plainly shows that girl competence does not equal girl confidence—nor does it equal happiness, resilience, or self-worth. Backed by vivid case studies, Simmons warns that we have raised a generation of young women so focused on achieving that they avoid healthy risks, overthink setbacks, and suffer from imposter syndrome, believing they are frauds. As they spend more time projecting an image of effortless perfection on social media, these girls are prone to withdraw from the essential relationships that offer solace and support and bolster self-esteem.
Deeply empathetic and meticulously researched, Enough As She Is offers a clear understanding of this devastating problem and provides practical parenting advice—including teaching girls self-compassion as an alternative to self-criticism, how to manage overthinking, resist the constant urge to compare themselves to peers, take healthy risks, navigate toxic elements of social media, prioritize self-care, and seek support when they need it. Enough As She Is sounds an alarm to parents and educators, arguing that young women can do more than survive adolescence. They can thrive. Enough As She Is shows us how.
October 17, 2025
Want healthy and happy daughters? Start here. This is a clear must-read for parents and educators of girls. I read it because of my daughter, but cannot stop thinking about how to implement and shift for the students in my classes as well. For all of my current and recent female students, I recommend this book highly-- it is written for parents, and would be ideal for them to "drive" with you as a passenger, but if that is less tenable than reading it yourself, the information and exercises are critical enough that I'd encourage you to read it on your own if that is your only way in.
This book considers the unique challenges and girls face as they grow with impossible standards of beauty, academic success, social success, and all of the other types of success while also being expected to make it look easy. Simmons breaks down the sociological, psychological, and cultural barriers that exist and provides clear information for not only understanding the roots and consequences of the problems, but also provides clear step-by-step activities and conversations to go through with daughters. What she writes about are the things that I see in my 10th grade classroom on a daily basis. Things that I often find myself at a loss to help these young women through.
I will definitely be re-reading this book and taking notes. My first time was for a general understanding, but at least one detailed re-visit is absolutely necessary. Probably more.
There are other quality books out there about guiding girls into adulthood. This one, though, made me feel both terrified about the current state of affairs but VERY hopeful about the possibilities at the same time.
This book considers the unique challenges and girls face as they grow with impossible standards of beauty, academic success, social success, and all of the other types of success while also being expected to make it look easy. Simmons breaks down the sociological, psychological, and cultural barriers that exist and provides clear information for not only understanding the roots and consequences of the problems, but also provides clear step-by-step activities and conversations to go through with daughters. What she writes about are the things that I see in my 10th grade classroom on a daily basis. Things that I often find myself at a loss to help these young women through.
I will definitely be re-reading this book and taking notes. My first time was for a general understanding, but at least one detailed re-visit is absolutely necessary. Probably more.
There are other quality books out there about guiding girls into adulthood. This one, though, made me feel both terrified about the current state of affairs but VERY hopeful about the possibilities at the same time.
March 7, 2018
This book was a little bit pushed upon me by my Boss Man who is pre-reading the book before he gives it to his 12 year old daughter and I thought that this book was absolutely awesome. I am so glad that we, now a days, have informative material like this so easily at our disposal unlike previous generations of parents. I was raised by my grandparents and I would have done anything in the world for them to take and follow at leadt half of the advice that was given throughout the book.
My house hold never let anyone know the personal struggles or difficulties that they were going through so me, as a child and adolescent, figured that they simply did everything correctly and that there must be something wrong with me because I was in high school and found school, work, and any type of relationship so difficult. Me as a new parent now want to make sure that my daughter knows I mess up ALL the time and that I don't beat myself up about it. By my family members putting on such a facade constantly, it did more harm than good. I had elevated expectations of my self because of the false reality of the adults in my life putting on.
I recommend this book for all parents and expecting parents to read. Even if you no longer have a child that is in high school or college this book she be read. Some of the information was reiterated from previous psychology classes or parenting 101 classes and articles but I definitely took away so much good.
My house hold never let anyone know the personal struggles or difficulties that they were going through so me, as a child and adolescent, figured that they simply did everything correctly and that there must be something wrong with me because I was in high school and found school, work, and any type of relationship so difficult. Me as a new parent now want to make sure that my daughter knows I mess up ALL the time and that I don't beat myself up about it. By my family members putting on such a facade constantly, it did more harm than good. I had elevated expectations of my self because of the false reality of the adults in my life putting on.
I recommend this book for all parents and expecting parents to read. Even if you no longer have a child that is in high school or college this book she be read. Some of the information was reiterated from previous psychology classes or parenting 101 classes and articles but I definitely took away so much good.
February 27, 2018
Such a timely and important book for parents of girls (and boys) who daily face extraordinary pressure to effortlessly perform in school, on social media, and with their peers. A reminder that your daughter's teen years aren't one long college application process, and that her ultimate goal is to have the tools and fortitude to navigate life's challenges, build meaningful relationships, and pursue purpose, not perfection.
Rachel's voice is approachable, nuanced and compassionate--she gets how our love for our children stokes our fear that getting off the treadmill will mean getting left behind. I especially loved Rachel's reminder that at every stage, our daughters are watching us (even through rolled eyes!)---and that our role as parents is to model the traits and habits that will serve her well throughout her young adult and adult life.
As someone who works with Girls Leadership (the organization Rachel co-founded, to help girls build leadership skills, find their voices, and handle conflict in a healthy way), I've had the opportunity to hear Rachel preview many of the themes of this book. If you have the opportunity to attend one of Rachel's workshops or hear her speak, make the time!
Highly recommend.
Rachel's voice is approachable, nuanced and compassionate--she gets how our love for our children stokes our fear that getting off the treadmill will mean getting left behind. I especially loved Rachel's reminder that at every stage, our daughters are watching us (even through rolled eyes!)---and that our role as parents is to model the traits and habits that will serve her well throughout her young adult and adult life.
As someone who works with Girls Leadership (the organization Rachel co-founded, to help girls build leadership skills, find their voices, and handle conflict in a healthy way), I've had the opportunity to hear Rachel preview many of the themes of this book. If you have the opportunity to attend one of Rachel's workshops or hear her speak, make the time!
Highly recommend.
May 8, 2018
There are a ton of really important messages about parenting and educating young girls and young women in this country. While some of the messages may seem overly obviously, in practice their importance becomes clear. I would love to discuss this book with more women, and women with children in particular, about how this book resonates with them. Despite the fact that it's largely about girls and women, there were also some universal truths and salient questions that may help us *all* think about our lives and actions differently.
While Simmons does an admirable job of trying to include a variety of girls (race, sexual identity, etc.), large parts of the book seem relegated to the middle/upper-middle class white world. There are moments where she discusses the lived experience of first-generation college students and those students from immigrant backgrounds and how those experiences play out in a world that demands so much of young women.
Certainly worth a read!
While Simmons does an admirable job of trying to include a variety of girls (race, sexual identity, etc.), large parts of the book seem relegated to the middle/upper-middle class white world. There are moments where she discusses the lived experience of first-generation college students and those students from immigrant backgrounds and how those experiences play out in a world that demands so much of young women.
Certainly worth a read!
April 20, 2018
After having read The Curse of the Good Girl, Rachel's Simmons' second book, two years ago for school, I'd been following her online, and was really excited to read her new book. I teach girls and see a lot of them in this book; I also see a lot of myself, as I'm really at the top of the age bracket she writes about. While many of the topics are really current, a lot of the influences have clearly been affecting girls for some time, because I feel I experience a lot of the same challenges as the girls she writes about. Her writing is really accessible and while there are a lot of anecdotes, it's all grounded in research. There are tons of strategies for parents; it's slightly less relevant for teachers, but I really would say that if you teach or work with teenage girls, you should read this book.
April 26, 2019
This book is a great overview of the social and psychological pressures that teen and young adult girls face today. I read a lot on this topic, so some of it felt like a review of a lot I'd already read, but frankly, it's something I need constant reminders about. In anxiety for our daughters' futures it's easy to fall into the trap of pushing them to be a certain way, reach perfection or add accomplishments just for the sake of looking good to colleges, but that's so unhealthy. Some of her advice was really sound. She also includes a lot of interviews and anecdotes with girls she's worked with to illustrate her points which I liked. I feel like I'll need to read it again to learn it more in depth and put a lot of her suggestions into practice.
May 28, 2018
I want to buy this book and give it to every person I know who is raising or teaching girls. (I even think high school and college girls would benefit from reading about their own culture from an outside perspective.) While many of the statistics about adolescent girls are frightening to parents and teachers, Simmons gives some practical approaches for many of the things their daughters do that cause them grief and worry. I'm also struck at how many of the behaviors are still echoed in our adult lives as women (i.e. rumination, self-criticism). Now I need to find an author who has written a similar book on teenage boys.
July 24, 2018
I hate self-help books; I hate purportedly diagnostic pap about inevitably complex individual situations. This book could easily have been one of those. But in a world of #MeToo, and of Jordan P and MRA rubbish, it can be easy to not see what our culture/society is doing to young women. Not if you have a teenage daughter though.
Like another reviewer, I wanted to underline pretty much every line in this book, with the exception of the stuff on the college entrance industrial complex, which doesn't apply in Australia (yet). But we are heading that way.
This book gives useful advice as its subtitle says. I am trying very hard to follow it. I can't say that about too many things I've read.
Like another reviewer, I wanted to underline pretty much every line in this book, with the exception of the stuff on the college entrance industrial complex, which doesn't apply in Australia (yet). But we are heading that way.
This book gives useful advice as its subtitle says. I am trying very hard to follow it. I can't say that about too many things I've read.
August 20, 2018
This book tackles a lot of challenges facing girls today, including defensive pessimism, the confidence gap, perfectionism, and tons more. The authors main focus, however, is how all these challenges snowball into the mania of the college application industrial complex.
The parts I loved most about this book were the stats that served as a foundation for the authors arguments, as well as the practical advice for parents (including scripts to use).
Personally, I found the interview excerpts to be less interesting. I would have instead preferred more practical advice or exercises that the author provides in her workshops.
The parts I loved most about this book were the stats that served as a foundation for the authors arguments, as well as the practical advice for parents (including scripts to use).
Personally, I found the interview excerpts to be less interesting. I would have instead preferred more practical advice or exercises that the author provides in her workshops.
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