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The White Knight Syndrome: Rescuing Yourself from Your Need to Rescue Others
Do you find yourself attracted to people who are helpless, vulnerable, or damaged, or feel like you always end up taking care of your romantic partners? If you fall into this relationship pattern, you're likely a white knight-a person who tends to seek out partners who need rescuing. White knights hope to receive admiration, validation, or love from their partners, but ultimately end up cheating themselves out of emotionally healthy relationships.
Ready to come to your own rescue? The White Knight Syndrome will help you:
Discover why you attract or seek out needy or damaged partners Find out what type of white knight you are Recognize the unhealthy ways you try to meet your partner's needs while ignoring your own Channel your energies into building balanced, healthy relationships
Ready to come to your own rescue? The White Knight Syndrome will help you:
Discover why you attract or seek out needy or damaged partners Find out what type of white knight you are Recognize the unhealthy ways you try to meet your partner's needs while ignoring your own Channel your energies into building balanced, healthy relationships
208 pages, Paperback
Published June 1, 2009
39 people are currently reading
252 people want to read
About the author
Mary C. Lamia
6 books15 followersMy career-long passion for encouraging emotional awareness in adults, adolescents, and pre-teens is exemplified by my books, and my blog posts illustrate my endeavor to convey that emotions have a significant role in who we become. I am a professor in the doctoral program of the Wright Institute in Berkeley and I have a private practice in Kentfield, California.
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Displaying 1 - 14 of 14 reviews
January 25, 2017
2.5 stars. Skip this one. Read Eckhart Tolle's the 5 Love Languages instead.
There was a bit of insight here, mostly in how the author broke down the case studies to show where problematic misunderstandings occurred. The authors also make it clear that the parenting style of your family-of-origin (parents) set the standard for how you relate to your partner.
The authors' effort to create categories of different "white knights" actually complicated the book and was not helpful. Everyone I know straddles 2 or 3 of the categories, which just made the whole theory of white knight syndrome seem like a new and vacuous label on general relationship psychology.
There was a bit of insight here, mostly in how the author broke down the case studies to show where problematic misunderstandings occurred. The authors also make it clear that the parenting style of your family-of-origin (parents) set the standard for how you relate to your partner.
The authors' effort to create categories of different "white knights" actually complicated the book and was not helpful. Everyone I know straddles 2 or 3 of the categories, which just made the whole theory of white knight syndrome seem like a new and vacuous label on general relationship psychology.
December 20, 2017
"You must beware of two things. Number one and most dangerous: the damsel in distress. Two: a woman who has more ambition than you do."
Mario Puzo, "The Last Don," p. 88
"The White Knight Syndrome" deals with people who create problems for themselves by engaging in chronic rescuing behavior. "White knights avoid looking at themselves and their own unhappiness by being in an uncertain, precarious situation that forces their attention outward, as opposed to inward." (p. 23).
Lamia and Krieger identify four subtypes of "White Knight" behavior:
The Overly Empathic White Knight – "The major psychological forces at work within this white knight are a heightened sense of empathy, excessive guilt, and an intense fear of emotional distance." p. 10
The Tarnished White Knight – "[T]he tarnished white knight's main goal in relationships is to be loved and admired, and he will go to great lengths to achieve that admiration in an effort to heal his past." p. 12
The Terrorizing/Terrified White Knight – "Through various behaviors, the terrorizing/terrified white knight transfers her feelings of emptiness, jealousy, shame, anger, and fear of abandonment to her partner." p. 14
The Balanced Rescuer – "Having found a partner who carries her own weight, the balanced rescuer will anticipate reciprocity in his relationships." p. 16
Lamia and Krieger use profiles to illustrate how the "White Knight" dynamic can play out in people's lives. In some instances, "White Knights" attempt to rescue people who are so passive or dysfunctional that they cannot be "rescued" from themselves. In others, the "White Knight's" self-esteem is so dependent on the relative weakness of their partner that they are threatened by their partners' success and independence.
Lamia and Krieger provide questionnaires and "Thinking About It" sections to help the reader assess whether they have exhibited "White Knight" behavior and the roots of that behavior. In all, this valuable and informative book may help compulsive rescuers and mental health professionals understand the White Knight dynamic.
Mario Puzo, "The Last Don," p. 88
"The White Knight Syndrome" deals with people who create problems for themselves by engaging in chronic rescuing behavior. "White knights avoid looking at themselves and their own unhappiness by being in an uncertain, precarious situation that forces their attention outward, as opposed to inward." (p. 23).
Lamia and Krieger identify four subtypes of "White Knight" behavior:
The Overly Empathic White Knight – "The major psychological forces at work within this white knight are a heightened sense of empathy, excessive guilt, and an intense fear of emotional distance." p. 10
The Tarnished White Knight – "[T]he tarnished white knight's main goal in relationships is to be loved and admired, and he will go to great lengths to achieve that admiration in an effort to heal his past." p. 12
The Terrorizing/Terrified White Knight – "Through various behaviors, the terrorizing/terrified white knight transfers her feelings of emptiness, jealousy, shame, anger, and fear of abandonment to her partner." p. 14
The Balanced Rescuer – "Having found a partner who carries her own weight, the balanced rescuer will anticipate reciprocity in his relationships." p. 16
Lamia and Krieger use profiles to illustrate how the "White Knight" dynamic can play out in people's lives. In some instances, "White Knights" attempt to rescue people who are so passive or dysfunctional that they cannot be "rescued" from themselves. In others, the "White Knight's" self-esteem is so dependent on the relative weakness of their partner that they are threatened by their partners' success and independence.
Lamia and Krieger provide questionnaires and "Thinking About It" sections to help the reader assess whether they have exhibited "White Knight" behavior and the roots of that behavior. In all, this valuable and informative book may help compulsive rescuers and mental health professionals understand the White Knight dynamic.
December 20, 2019
Liberation from ignorance is as painful as being born
March 7, 2016
This book was recommended to me while my boyfriend and I were going through a bad time. It was a fascinating book but totally didn't apply to me. After reading it, I can say am a balanced rescuer. My boyfriend may not be yet but he wants to be and is working on it.
I didn't read most of it until after we had worked through the problem. Reading through the life experiences of the "people" profiled in the book does make it easier for me to understand why he may act the way he does sometimes.
I would recommend this as a good psychology book if you are interested in how childhood relationships affect adult relationships in a relatively easy to read format.
I didn't read most of it until after we had worked through the problem. Reading through the life experiences of the "people" profiled in the book does make it easier for me to understand why he may act the way he does sometimes.
I would recommend this as a good psychology book if you are interested in how childhood relationships affect adult relationships in a relatively easy to read format.
June 1, 2025
It’s not that “eye opening” as I thought it would be?
I mostly read it as If I was reading a couple of novellas because I was invested in these peoples stories and problems…
I mostly read it as If I was reading a couple of novellas because I was invested in these peoples stories and problems…
August 20, 2025
Great book. Made me go back to re-analyse my childhood and relationships and make plenty observations.
July 22, 2010
I started this book a few weeks ago, but returned to it a few days ago. I don't remember what search phrases I was using through my public library's catalog, but this book popped up and I thought the title was intriguing enough. The synopsis sounded interesting, too.
I lacked focus and I've been bad with my reading goals lately, so this book got renewed because I couldn't finish it by time. Also, for some reason the font and style of the book put me off a little. The font's a little small so it made it a little difficult to read with only lamps as light. (I far prefer overhead/ceiling lighting for reading.)
The three types of unbalanced white knights are: the overly empathic white knight (which is what I think most people think of when they think of white knights), the tarnished white knight and terrorizing/terrified white knight. Then there's the balanced rescuer, who isn't a white knight, but from their case studies and analysis/explanation is what most people aspire to be -- helpful to their partner, not afraid to ask for help, being assertive, not losing themselves in their partner's problems, not always seeking needy people, etc...
This is a good introduction to the concept of white knight, though some parts could've been more fleshed out, I think.
I lacked focus and I've been bad with my reading goals lately, so this book got renewed because I couldn't finish it by time. Also, for some reason the font and style of the book put me off a little. The font's a little small so it made it a little difficult to read with only lamps as light. (I far prefer overhead/ceiling lighting for reading.)
The three types of unbalanced white knights are: the overly empathic white knight (which is what I think most people think of when they think of white knights), the tarnished white knight and terrorizing/terrified white knight. Then there's the balanced rescuer, who isn't a white knight, but from their case studies and analysis/explanation is what most people aspire to be -- helpful to their partner, not afraid to ask for help, being assertive, not losing themselves in their partner's problems, not always seeking needy people, etc...
This is a good introduction to the concept of white knight, though some parts could've been more fleshed out, I think.
July 9, 2012
The first quarter of the book lacked coherent mechanistic/causal descriptions for the diagnosis that were dispensed--I def. wasn't very happy with this haphazard framework. However, as I kept reading, I began to appreciate their analysis on the various "isms" people experience during romantic relationships. It was quite useful for self reflection on personal feelings and past relationship dynamics.
Overall I recommend the book and found it helpful.
*Its causal framework is parental relationship effects on current relationships. Its complimentary to Birth order theory books, though this book seems to assume that the romantic relationship causal forces are completely parental.
Overall I recommend the book and found it helpful.
*Its causal framework is parental relationship effects on current relationships. Its complimentary to Birth order theory books, though this book seems to assume that the romantic relationship causal forces are completely parental.
September 8, 2009
I won this book on Goodreads & I had entered to get this one because this is a problem both my partner & I share. It was cheerful to see how a year's worth of work & therapy had helped us but difficult to see how far we had to go. A helpful book to start you on your journey to healing if this is your problem & worth reading even if you only suspect that you have this problem. As an additional note, the authours included a personalized letter to me & one of them signed to book to me as well. Good marketing on their part.
January 4, 2013
This book is on a very important topic for some people, like me. If you find yourself often in a relationship where a lot of the meaning of the relationship is connected to things you are contributing to the other in the belief that they need your help, if there is any suspicion in you that they could do more for themselves, then by all means read this. It can help you and your relationship tremendously. You can find more realistic ways of being happy and contributing to others, and you can get out of the way for that other person to realize their potential.
July 15, 2011
If you read the back cover and it sounds familiar to you, then chances are you can relate to this book. She goes into the different types of the syndrome, and many of us will find ourselves in each of them. She tries to go into details with them, but they seemed very generalized to me. Still, it's a decent read for those who are curious and great for those who need some research material.
July 6, 2019
I loved and appreciated having a name to this identity. The book gives you a great description about people who feel overly responsible and tend to want to rescue others. It uses a psychodynamic lens . I would have appreciated if it had more information about treatment or managing such behavior
July 28, 2009
Wonderful read! Provided insight in to my relationships I never knew I was missing!
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January 25, 2010Excellent-Outstanding-A must for everyone!
Displaying 1 - 14 of 14 reviews