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The Love Gap: A Radical Plan to Win in Life and Love
A research-based guide to navigating the newest dating phenomenon--"the love gap"--and a trailblazing action plan to help smart, confident, career-driven women find (and keep) their match.
For a rising generation young women, the sky is the limit. Women can be anything and have everything. They are outpacing their male peers in higher education and earning the corner office at work. Smart, driven, assertive women are succeeding at just about everything they do--except romance.
Why are so many men afraid to date smart women?
Modern men claim to want smarts, success, and independence in romantic partners. Or so says the data collected by scientists and dating websites. If that's the case, why are so many independent, successful women winning in life, but losing in love? Journalist Jenna Birch has finally named the perplexing reason: "the love gap"--or that confusing rift between who men say they want to date and who they actually commit to. Backed by extensive data, research, in-depth interviews with experts and real-life relationship stories, The Love Gap is the first book to explore the most talked-about dating trend today. The guide also establishes a new framework for navigating modern relationships, and the tricky new gender dynamics that impact them. Women can, and should, have it all without settling.
For a rising generation young women, the sky is the limit. Women can be anything and have everything. They are outpacing their male peers in higher education and earning the corner office at work. Smart, driven, assertive women are succeeding at just about everything they do--except romance.
Why are so many men afraid to date smart women?
Modern men claim to want smarts, success, and independence in romantic partners. Or so says the data collected by scientists and dating websites. If that's the case, why are so many independent, successful women winning in life, but losing in love? Journalist Jenna Birch has finally named the perplexing reason: "the love gap"--or that confusing rift between who men say they want to date and who they actually commit to. Backed by extensive data, research, in-depth interviews with experts and real-life relationship stories, The Love Gap is the first book to explore the most talked-about dating trend today. The guide also establishes a new framework for navigating modern relationships, and the tricky new gender dynamics that impact them. Women can, and should, have it all without settling.
304 pages, Hardcover
First published January 23, 2018
93 people are currently reading
1291 people want to read
About the author
Jenna Birch
1 book8 followersJenna Birch is a longtime journalist and author of THE LOVE GAP. Her work has appeared in print and online publications including O, Vogue, Cosmopolitan, Harper's BAZAAR, ELLE, Marie Claire, SELF, Psychology Today, the Washington Post, Man Repeller and Yahoo, among many others. She resides in Ann Arbor, Michigan.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 55 reviews
September 19, 2018
I was inspired to read this book by to a review in Psychology Today, and was quickly disappointed, though I did make it through to the end. To categorize every woman reading is an End Goal, while classifying others at a Getaway Girl or some other inane term felt pandering and silly. I understand that the aim was to give successful women who feel they are doing something wrong validation, and yet it ultimately fell short, in my opinion.
Perhaps I just wasn’t the target audience. As someone who is frequently told that I am intimidating (I’m a huge nerd with Goals who knows what she wants) I felt that this was right up my alley. Upon reading, however, I felt as though it was aimed at a very narrow spectrum of women, who want a traditional relationship on a traditional timescale, despite its claims of being a fresh perspective. As an example: while I do desire love/intimacy and am ultimately seeking a healthy and inspirational partnership, I do not want marriage nor children. I feel that this book missed out on a whole facet of dating, which is that people just don’t desire the same things that were prized in previous generations, and that’s okay. Although I feel that the book made a vague reference here or there to non traditional relationships, the perspective felt narrow and exclusionary throughout.
As I said, perhaps I was not the target audience, but reading this left me with a vague sense of discomfort and disappointment.
Perhaps I just wasn’t the target audience. As someone who is frequently told that I am intimidating (I’m a huge nerd with Goals who knows what she wants) I felt that this was right up my alley. Upon reading, however, I felt as though it was aimed at a very narrow spectrum of women, who want a traditional relationship on a traditional timescale, despite its claims of being a fresh perspective. As an example: while I do desire love/intimacy and am ultimately seeking a healthy and inspirational partnership, I do not want marriage nor children. I feel that this book missed out on a whole facet of dating, which is that people just don’t desire the same things that were prized in previous generations, and that’s okay. Although I feel that the book made a vague reference here or there to non traditional relationships, the perspective felt narrow and exclusionary throughout.
As I said, perhaps I was not the target audience, but reading this left me with a vague sense of discomfort and disappointment.
March 22, 2018
I am making sure to write a review about this book because I really believe people should know these: I feel better now. It’s not about finding all the reasons for my love life, but about understanding the repetitive behavior of some guys I have met halfway through my life and that made me wonder if the problem was me... well, it’s them! Haha Maybe not them, but the package of not being ready and the timing and all the other little things I already “kind of knew” but it took me this book to realize and analyze better whatever the hell was wrong. I mean, I am from Brazil and even so I could relate to so many of the situations... relationship behavior seems to be international! 🤷♀️ I only wish there were books like this to help MEN to recognize how they can deal better with this new way relationships are being built nowadays. Jenna, thanks for the tips and tools and for just making me feel like it was my best friend helping me not feel bad about my past experiences, but learn from them.
September 25, 2019
i didn't totally finish this book if i'm honest, mainly because she lost me. the first section was pretty good in explaining why women are settling down a little later in life than decades before and how women have shifted from the private to the public sphere but when it came to unpacking what women need to do and who to avoid, it was pretty gendered. the author does acknowledge that this book is a hetero study but when it came to providing tactics to go on good dates and find an ideal guy, it just seemed like things people have already expressed so it didn't read as "radical" to me idk.
August 27, 2020
All the thoughts I’ve ever had on love written so beautifully in one book! Equal partnership is the goal and it was so refreshing to hear the case made for authentic dating rather than games and strategies for deception. Mostly, I loved how much Hope was packed into this book. Love is out there for everyone. The author successfully paints the dating landscape for successful females exploring why seemingly “amazing catches” are still single.
I will definitely be giving this book as a gift to my closest girlfriends and buying a copy for myself. It’s filled to the brim with positivity and genuine goodness and belief in that lasting kind of love. I devoured the book and have encouraged so many to read it!
I will definitely be giving this book as a gift to my closest girlfriends and buying a copy for myself. It’s filled to the brim with positivity and genuine goodness and belief in that lasting kind of love. I devoured the book and have encouraged so many to read it!
May 13, 2021
This book is so not it, and it wrecked my Goodreads challenge pacing for the year (grr!!).
Here's my biggest gripe: it essentially categorizes every single guy into "ready" or "not ready." Birch gives four different classifications of men, but three of them are essentially slight mutations on the same problem. But this is not the only reason why some prospects don't work out. Sometimes there's chemistry, but a lack of common interests. Sometimes it's timing. Sometimes there are irreconcilable differences (you get the point). Personally, I would say my biggest issue has been not finding "it" or otherwise not acting on "it." And really, if I've potentially found that kind of chemistry but he's in a relationship, what am I supposed to do? I don't want to be a homewrecker here.
The other thing this book taught me is that I am supremely not ready, apparently. I compartmentalize and have tunnel-vision on some of my dreams. I plan to move in the next year, but I'm not exactly sure where. I don't make time for a relationship. And I AM extremely happy being single! I lead a fulfilling life! This book tells me not to get into a relationship out of societal pressure, but like... I want to be forward thinking too. I'm not getting any younger, and maybe one day I will appreciate the companionship; the "in sickness and in health" devotion; the potential to raise children in a loving home. I don't want to be so short term in thinking that "I'm a strong independent woman who is perfectly content in my singleness!" Here's the other thing — I've supposedly been supremely "not ready" all my life. Because I have NEVER really prioritized relationships over career or friends or whatever else. Among supposed "end goal" people, I assume this would be true of many. So how do we change our own mindset to prioritize dating, enjoy dating, or at the very least make TIME to date?
This book targets an extremely niche audience. It assumes we are all career-driven women who have been "unlucky in love." I've come to realize that my problem is not meeting immature men. My problem is that I am... not really meeting men (or anyone) at all, especially in the middle of a pandemic??? There is a brief chapter on dating apps, 21st century dating styles, and traditional meet-cutes, but it does not teach me how to find GOOD prospects and demonstrate interest in a strategic way. Honestly though, I do think that if I put a bit of effort into dating, I would find someone easily. I tend to get sorted into the "wife up ASAP; long-term relationship" lane (so to speak). Besides, I know I'm a catch — and so do a bunch of guys. This book tells me not to settle, but I am unconvinced that I've found "it" with proper timing and everything else. HOW DO I GET THERE? And how do I believe an author who hasn't found it yet herself?! Ugh. How frustrating.
Here's my biggest gripe: it essentially categorizes every single guy into "ready" or "not ready." Birch gives four different classifications of men, but three of them are essentially slight mutations on the same problem. But this is not the only reason why some prospects don't work out. Sometimes there's chemistry, but a lack of common interests. Sometimes it's timing. Sometimes there are irreconcilable differences (you get the point). Personally, I would say my biggest issue has been not finding "it" or otherwise not acting on "it." And really, if I've potentially found that kind of chemistry but he's in a relationship, what am I supposed to do? I don't want to be a homewrecker here.
The other thing this book taught me is that I am supremely not ready, apparently. I compartmentalize and have tunnel-vision on some of my dreams. I plan to move in the next year, but I'm not exactly sure where. I don't make time for a relationship. And I AM extremely happy being single! I lead a fulfilling life! This book tells me not to get into a relationship out of societal pressure, but like... I want to be forward thinking too. I'm not getting any younger, and maybe one day I will appreciate the companionship; the "in sickness and in health" devotion; the potential to raise children in a loving home. I don't want to be so short term in thinking that "I'm a strong independent woman who is perfectly content in my singleness!" Here's the other thing — I've supposedly been supremely "not ready" all my life. Because I have NEVER really prioritized relationships over career or friends or whatever else. Among supposed "end goal" people, I assume this would be true of many. So how do we change our own mindset to prioritize dating, enjoy dating, or at the very least make TIME to date?
This book targets an extremely niche audience. It assumes we are all career-driven women who have been "unlucky in love." I've come to realize that my problem is not meeting immature men. My problem is that I am... not really meeting men (or anyone) at all, especially in the middle of a pandemic??? There is a brief chapter on dating apps, 21st century dating styles, and traditional meet-cutes, but it does not teach me how to find GOOD prospects and demonstrate interest in a strategic way. Honestly though, I do think that if I put a bit of effort into dating, I would find someone easily. I tend to get sorted into the "wife up ASAP; long-term relationship" lane (so to speak). Besides, I know I'm a catch — and so do a bunch of guys. This book tells me not to settle, but I am unconvinced that I've found "it" with proper timing and everything else. HOW DO I GET THERE? And how do I believe an author who hasn't found it yet herself?! Ugh. How frustrating.
February 16, 2021
Honestly one of the better books I’ve read on dating. It gave me a lot of perspective on how men think and feel and gave me a little more confidence to step back.
2021 review: time for a reread because it’s two years—oh no, it’s three!—later and I’m still looking for Mr. Right. Covid didn’t help my situation, maybe this will now that I’m older and wiser. Maybe.
2021 review: time for a reread because it’s two years—oh no, it’s three!—later and I’m still looking for Mr. Right. Covid didn’t help my situation, maybe this will now that I’m older and wiser. Maybe.
February 10, 2025
This is not well produced academic nonfiction (which I think it was trying to be), it read more like a memoir about Birch and her friend's dating lives. I don't think men can be placed into four categories and I just generally disagreed with many of her points.
April 15, 2018
This was me when I was reading this book: I really need someone I know to read this book so I can talk to them about it!!
Jenna, thanks for the perspective. I can't recommend this book enough.
Jenna, thanks for the perspective. I can't recommend this book enough.
June 7, 2021
Every modern girl (aka boss lady with a career and an education) should read this. This book has been a play by play of all types of relationships that I’ve had in the past.
I found useful the categorization of the different types of men who are not ready for a committed relationship. In practice, this categorization helps me decide how much emotional energy and time I invest in a guy.
This neat framework also reduces confusion and hurt feeling in dating and so far, it’s worked well for me. In review of Birch’s prose, her writing reminds me of a blog and is confusing sometimes.
I found useful the categorization of the different types of men who are not ready for a committed relationship. In practice, this categorization helps me decide how much emotional energy and time I invest in a guy.
This neat framework also reduces confusion and hurt feeling in dating and so far, it’s worked well for me. In review of Birch’s prose, her writing reminds me of a blog and is confusing sometimes.
March 9, 2020
When I started this book I had some strong criticisms, but as I went on, they faded away. This is a good book overall.
It's warmly written, and I mostly like Birch's style, though I could do without words like "superchill" and "LOL". But those are minor annoyances in her attempts to be cute and engaging. However, in an attempt to engage and uplift her readers, she also uses this concept of the "End Goal" woman, and inadvertently expresses a narrow-minded view of female success...
The book assumes that every woman reading is evolved and successful, in some form. It also introduces us to the concept that men do ultimately want a woman like this (hence the name "End Goal") but aren't often ready for it. At the beginning of the book, Birch's descriptions of "EGs" seem particularly limited: type-A, career-driven, traditionally feminine "boss girls". She seems to imply that some women fit the bill, whereas others do not, and comes off as overly conventional. As I got further into the book, I realised her philosophies and advice are quite nuanced, and that gave me faith that her narrow "EG" examples were just her focusing on her primary target audience, and not rooted in any actual beliefs about what a woman should be. The whole thing could have been avoided through writing style.
If you don't feel alienated by this and get through the book, you'll find lots of interesting topics are covered. For instance, we're at a time when women often excel quickly as individuals, moving dynamically through their hierarchy of needs – while men may be less sure of their places in society and probably move through their hierarchy of needs more linearly. Birch also reminds us that aspects of masculinity have been accepted into women's lives, but very little femininity has been accepted into men's lives. That has huge implications not only for dating, but everything.
Birch is insightful, and her advice is fair and backed up by research. I found the way she connects the dots – trends in wider society vs anecdotal feelings of daters – pretty helpful personally. In Part Four she cuts through the confusion of dating and provides wise advice. Some of this is old advice that maybe you'll have picked up in bits and pieces elsewhere. But some of it is new and uniquely hers. And all together, it's pretty comprehensive.
Soooo, as far as dating books go, this is probably as good as it gets.
It's warmly written, and I mostly like Birch's style, though I could do without words like "superchill" and "LOL". But those are minor annoyances in her attempts to be cute and engaging. However, in an attempt to engage and uplift her readers, she also uses this concept of the "End Goal" woman, and inadvertently expresses a narrow-minded view of female success...
The book assumes that every woman reading is evolved and successful, in some form. It also introduces us to the concept that men do ultimately want a woman like this (hence the name "End Goal") but aren't often ready for it. At the beginning of the book, Birch's descriptions of "EGs" seem particularly limited: type-A, career-driven, traditionally feminine "boss girls". She seems to imply that some women fit the bill, whereas others do not, and comes off as overly conventional. As I got further into the book, I realised her philosophies and advice are quite nuanced, and that gave me faith that her narrow "EG" examples were just her focusing on her primary target audience, and not rooted in any actual beliefs about what a woman should be. The whole thing could have been avoided through writing style.
If you don't feel alienated by this and get through the book, you'll find lots of interesting topics are covered. For instance, we're at a time when women often excel quickly as individuals, moving dynamically through their hierarchy of needs – while men may be less sure of their places in society and probably move through their hierarchy of needs more linearly. Birch also reminds us that aspects of masculinity have been accepted into women's lives, but very little femininity has been accepted into men's lives. That has huge implications not only for dating, but everything.
Birch is insightful, and her advice is fair and backed up by research. I found the way she connects the dots – trends in wider society vs anecdotal feelings of daters – pretty helpful personally. In Part Four she cuts through the confusion of dating and provides wise advice. Some of this is old advice that maybe you'll have picked up in bits and pieces elsewhere. But some of it is new and uniquely hers. And all together, it's pretty comprehensive.
Soooo, as far as dating books go, this is probably as good as it gets.
May 7, 2018
I don’t really know why I picked up this book but it was interesting. Why are fabulous, attractive and successful women not able to get married?
It turns out that while men say that they like to marry a smart woman in principle, they quickly lose romantic interest when the said smart woman is actually in front of them! Her research showed that men still expect to provide resources, and thus they are intimidated by successful women.
Next Birch analysed the types of male companions:
1. The Almost Boyfriend: acts like a boyfriend but is scared once the word ‘exclusive’ is mentioned.
2. Disappearing act: ghosting. Just cut him off already.
3. Mr All that except the bag of chips: everything is great, chemistry is good etc but he is not ready. Frankly I find 1 and 3 seemed almost the same to me.
4. The Real Deal. Happily ever after
Birch then explained why some men are afraid of commitment. That is because men can only go through Maslow’s needs sequentially whereas women can fulfil all their needs simultaneously. So the man may want to finish medical school, do the start up, or sleep around first before they are willing to settle down. So it is not her, it is him.
Some encouraging statistics:
1. The more men have worked, the higher chance of being married. That does not apply to women. This implies that men are marrying only after they have secured their career and maturity first.
2. The higher pay of a woman, the lower the chance of her being married, but increases the chance of her ever married. This implies that women are waiting out.
She then offers some practical advice on how to secure a marriage, and when to move on. She also explains that it is perfectly fine to be single, as being single is better than in a bad relationship.
I find this book well researched because Birch spoke to more than a hundred men and similar number of women. I am disappointed that she did not quote research that found that the relative higher number of educated women leads to men playing the field, and when those women are few men commit early. Or other research of game theory regarding this matching problem. But overall a good book, even for a guy.
It turns out that while men say that they like to marry a smart woman in principle, they quickly lose romantic interest when the said smart woman is actually in front of them! Her research showed that men still expect to provide resources, and thus they are intimidated by successful women.
Next Birch analysed the types of male companions:
1. The Almost Boyfriend: acts like a boyfriend but is scared once the word ‘exclusive’ is mentioned.
2. Disappearing act: ghosting. Just cut him off already.
3. Mr All that except the bag of chips: everything is great, chemistry is good etc but he is not ready. Frankly I find 1 and 3 seemed almost the same to me.
4. The Real Deal. Happily ever after
Birch then explained why some men are afraid of commitment. That is because men can only go through Maslow’s needs sequentially whereas women can fulfil all their needs simultaneously. So the man may want to finish medical school, do the start up, or sleep around first before they are willing to settle down. So it is not her, it is him.
Some encouraging statistics:
1. The more men have worked, the higher chance of being married. That does not apply to women. This implies that men are marrying only after they have secured their career and maturity first.
2. The higher pay of a woman, the lower the chance of her being married, but increases the chance of her ever married. This implies that women are waiting out.
She then offers some practical advice on how to secure a marriage, and when to move on. She also explains that it is perfectly fine to be single, as being single is better than in a bad relationship.
I find this book well researched because Birch spoke to more than a hundred men and similar number of women. I am disappointed that she did not quote research that found that the relative higher number of educated women leads to men playing the field, and when those women are few men commit early. Or other research of game theory regarding this matching problem. But overall a good book, even for a guy.
July 7, 2018
This book is easy to read and captured me from beginning to start.
A lot of it centers on the men and what constitutes a worthy (read: ready to commit) man, but this also goes for us women. I believe a lot of women is not ready for a mature relationship, which is why we end up with emotionally unavailable men. This book gives us tools on how to select those men away, but unless we have fixed ourselves first we will most likely keep on choosing the wrong men.
For me it helped with crystallizing how I wanted to approach online dating (which I thoroughly hate, btw). As an introvert who has in later years acquired some social antennas, I already can quite quickly see if a man has some emotional intelligence and if he has some basic understanding of unconditional love (as much is possible in this world anyway). For me it means I can only focus on one person at once, which goes against this books advice. But it is the only way I can do online dating (read: with utter loathing) and keep my sanity. Not because I give myself away easily (I know what I want too well for that), but because I can't deal with too much noise that chatting etc creates.
If you need to fix yourself first, there are better books out there. This one helps you to select and understand how men approach dating and their personalities. It's an easy read and well worth the time for any single gal wanting to approach dating.
A lot of it centers on the men and what constitutes a worthy (read: ready to commit) man, but this also goes for us women. I believe a lot of women is not ready for a mature relationship, which is why we end up with emotionally unavailable men. This book gives us tools on how to select those men away, but unless we have fixed ourselves first we will most likely keep on choosing the wrong men.
For me it helped with crystallizing how I wanted to approach online dating (which I thoroughly hate, btw). As an introvert who has in later years acquired some social antennas, I already can quite quickly see if a man has some emotional intelligence and if he has some basic understanding of unconditional love (as much is possible in this world anyway). For me it means I can only focus on one person at once, which goes against this books advice. But it is the only way I can do online dating (read: with utter loathing) and keep my sanity. Not because I give myself away easily (I know what I want too well for that), but because I can't deal with too much noise that chatting etc creates.
If you need to fix yourself first, there are better books out there. This one helps you to select and understand how men approach dating and their personalities. It's an easy read and well worth the time for any single gal wanting to approach dating.
December 26, 2018
Interesting research! While I didn’t agree with her suggestions for how to go about ‘finding/waiting for/keeping’ a guy (🙄 it honestly felt a bit too much like “if you want to keep a guy at any cost do this”), the way she contextualized and sorted her research was extremely helpful.
Having a way to label almost-relationships and cut through the uncertainty by positioning them against Maslow’s hierarchy was really really beneficial. I can also see some of my negative patterns and though she idolizes the female in this book “you, EG, are perfect the way you are” (hmmm... I can be flighty and not ready either!) it is actually a must read if you are looking to self actualize, and become less frantic about dating or finding a key partner, and knowing early on whether or not to pursue someone because of traits, communication styles and tendencies.
As someone who was out of the dating world for the past 6 years and is wading back in, I feel pretty great knowing how to put everything in context, and being able to understand human nature a little better and realize it really isn’t me, it’s their timing, is great. Good read.
Having a way to label almost-relationships and cut through the uncertainty by positioning them against Maslow’s hierarchy was really really beneficial. I can also see some of my negative patterns and though she idolizes the female in this book “you, EG, are perfect the way you are” (hmmm... I can be flighty and not ready either!) it is actually a must read if you are looking to self actualize, and become less frantic about dating or finding a key partner, and knowing early on whether or not to pursue someone because of traits, communication styles and tendencies.
As someone who was out of the dating world for the past 6 years and is wading back in, I feel pretty great knowing how to put everything in context, and being able to understand human nature a little better and realize it really isn’t me, it’s their timing, is great. Good read.
June 16, 2019
This book focuses on answering the ~age old~ question: why are so many smart, successful women still single? This book provided great explanations that make sense, along with research and interviews the author conducted with real people. But more than anything, this book gave me confidence again. When you've been single for such a long time, you start believing that there's something wrong with you — that there's a reason why no one likes you and it has everything to do with you. I don't want to give away the points Jenna discussed, but what she said reminded me how great I am and how any guy would be lucky to be with me — sorry, not sorry ;)
It helped me understand how guys think and prioritize, and I looked back and was able to see these instances IRL. I like that the book isn't super preachy and it isn't like "Do this, change this about yourself, be less smart, be less successful." I've been raving about this book to all my friends, and this review might sound like a ramble but that's because I really can't do her discussion justice — you just really have to read it for yourself! :)
It helped me understand how guys think and prioritize, and I looked back and was able to see these instances IRL. I like that the book isn't super preachy and it isn't like "Do this, change this about yourself, be less smart, be less successful." I've been raving about this book to all my friends, and this review might sound like a ramble but that's because I really can't do her discussion justice — you just really have to read it for yourself! :)
April 6, 2018
My friends are sick of talking to me because I have weaved this book into every single conversation we have had over the past two weeks. It is so refreshing as a single 23-year-old living in New York City to read a book that so perfectly outlines the do's, dont's, and why's that occur in this bizarre dating culture we now experience. From the "Almost Boyfriends" to "The Real Deal", Jenna Birch writes about the men we have or will encounter and the best way to understand their actions. She encourages us EG's (End Goal women) to embrace all ups and downs in relationships to help mold and pursue the man we deserve. What I loved most was that by no means does this book place blame on men OR women, but rather dives deeper into the meaning behind the dating scenarios that leave most of us saying "WTF?" -- I can't recommend this read enough!
July 11, 2019
Of any dating book I have read, this one is my favorite. It says everything about using apps to date that I have been telling my friends for years. Unlike many dating self-help books out there The Love Gap is backed by research and psychology that makes it easier to understand wtf is going on in the dating world. It also covers things we do as women that hurt our chances for finding the real deal man. The interviews with men were very helpful in understanding what men are thinking when they ghost you even though you think you are the end goal woman. It covers why other girls who seemingly don't have it as together as end goal women seem to have better luck at love. This is a great book and has helped me a lot with my love life. Every woman should read this!
July 27, 2019
I personally didn’t like this book or find it to be very useful. One thing that I especially find strange is that the author is single, yet wrote a book about dating and finding love. (Kind or backwards, yes?) But I also feel that the author puts a lot of the dating blame on the guys. Hello! Sometimes it’s you too!! I think that this book has a lot of flaws and definitely could have been better thought out.
April 26, 2021
This book was...strange. It started out great, discussing research about how men and women approach dating differently. It was fascinating and evidence based! Then it just became this kind of confusing and repetitive mix of advice and personal stories. There were some gems mixed in - more research, interesting interviews - but it didn’t live up to the first few chapters. And it was all using this kitschy choice of labeling the author made up (“Almost Boyfriends” and “Getaway Girls” etc.)
September 10, 2019
A big meh. I came across this book in a news piece and thought it would be another Modern romance-style book - research-based yet hilarious. I admit the author mentioned some interesting studies but the rest was just a lot of repetitive fluff. It's enough to read the headlines to get the gist of the book. Meh.
March 19, 2021
Some interesting ideas and theories, lots of good research and studies cited, but I found a lot of it redundant and some of it contradictory. The best advice I got from it was to only have three active chats on a dating app and don't swipe more until those fizzle out so you're not overwhelmed and more engaged.
February 13, 2021
I had to stop reading this book. It was unbearable. The book is only a compilation of one story after another one with many clichés and a false sense of understanding relationships.
August 5, 2020
This book is best for the 20-30 crowd of single women but could extend to older women who haven't acquired enough self-esteem, wisdom, and/or people-reading, to be secure being single. Really - 3.5*. It has a lot of good stuff, though there is definitely some info way off the mark. I'll start with the good and useful.
Birch advocates authenticity in pursuing a relationship. She tells the reader several times to can The Rules. She advocates interdependence (though she doesn't use that word) with the right person and dismisses dependence on anyone as an unhealthy behavior. She encourages a lot of self-assessment as far as determining what you want. She introduces two "trifectas" (commitment and connection), both of which are useful. I believe a lot more focus should have been put on shared values, but since there were entire sections I could have skipped altogether based on values (being careful not to drink too much, when to start having sex with a person you're dating, etc.), it's clear that we're operating on different fields. However, most of the world is on her page and will likely find her recommendations on these things helpful.
That aside, I like what she says about not settling, though I think she misunderstood Gottlieb's premise in her book about "settling for Mr. Not Good Enough". I believe Gottlieb was advocating not writing off men for paltry reasons...meaning that if your so-called "standards" are sky-high (Birch illustrates some of these standards/rules very well in her book - requiring that he always texting you first thing and last thing of the day, never making plans last-minute, etc.) and rigid, then you need to ease up. Writing off someone because their hair is the wrong color, or they drive the wrong car is not the same as writing off someone because they have a major character flaw.
Things I didn't care for too much:
Birch learned how to write via the internet, which is VERY apparent. The book is conversational, reads like a magazine article, and has several telltale signs of the writer who hasn't really studied language: misses subject/verb agreement (something commonly done in speaking but isn't for writing), has lots of fragmented writing that read like a text message, etc. The audience its intended for will likely embrace these things along with her language along the lines of "I want you to..." and "You are awesome! You are worth it..." I find these parts irritating. The entire point of the book is to self-evaluate and make your own decisions, so having the author constantly say, "I want you to..." grates. The constant reminder to the reader that the reader is awesome, and a great End Goal woman (EG) is equally irritating. I'm sure there are plenty of people who are terrible partners who have read this book, not to mention many who are pretty average.
How do all her readers qualify as "awesome"? This assumption feels unauthentic to me. If it is authentic, then the criterion for qualifying as awesome seems to be solely the reading of her book. I don't think she intended this, but the implication is a bit much. The only thing I really hated was on p96. "The love of a husband or wife isn't for the sake of the husband or wife, but for the sake of the self." To be fair, she's quoting Dr. Art Aron and his self-expansion model. Nevertheless, I nearly flung the book across the room. Love, by definition, is NOT about oneself.
All that said, I think there was a lot of great advice in her book, with sound, logical information. I'd definitely recommend it to 20s-30s women trying to figure out dating and men. Lots of great stuff - the best of it probably being Maslow's hierarchy of needs, which is referenced several times. A diagram of it is on p99.
Birch advocates authenticity in pursuing a relationship. She tells the reader several times to can The Rules. She advocates interdependence (though she doesn't use that word) with the right person and dismisses dependence on anyone as an unhealthy behavior. She encourages a lot of self-assessment as far as determining what you want. She introduces two "trifectas" (commitment and connection), both of which are useful. I believe a lot more focus should have been put on shared values, but since there were entire sections I could have skipped altogether based on values (being careful not to drink too much, when to start having sex with a person you're dating, etc.), it's clear that we're operating on different fields. However, most of the world is on her page and will likely find her recommendations on these things helpful.
That aside, I like what she says about not settling, though I think she misunderstood Gottlieb's premise in her book about "settling for Mr. Not Good Enough". I believe Gottlieb was advocating not writing off men for paltry reasons...meaning that if your so-called "standards" are sky-high (Birch illustrates some of these standards/rules very well in her book - requiring that he always texting you first thing and last thing of the day, never making plans last-minute, etc.) and rigid, then you need to ease up. Writing off someone because their hair is the wrong color, or they drive the wrong car is not the same as writing off someone because they have a major character flaw.
Things I didn't care for too much:
Birch learned how to write via the internet, which is VERY apparent. The book is conversational, reads like a magazine article, and has several telltale signs of the writer who hasn't really studied language: misses subject/verb agreement (something commonly done in speaking but isn't for writing), has lots of fragmented writing that read like a text message, etc. The audience its intended for will likely embrace these things along with her language along the lines of "I want you to..." and "You are awesome! You are worth it..." I find these parts irritating. The entire point of the book is to self-evaluate and make your own decisions, so having the author constantly say, "I want you to..." grates. The constant reminder to the reader that the reader is awesome, and a great End Goal woman (EG) is equally irritating. I'm sure there are plenty of people who are terrible partners who have read this book, not to mention many who are pretty average.
How do all her readers qualify as "awesome"? This assumption feels unauthentic to me. If it is authentic, then the criterion for qualifying as awesome seems to be solely the reading of her book. I don't think she intended this, but the implication is a bit much. The only thing I really hated was on p96. "The love of a husband or wife isn't for the sake of the husband or wife, but for the sake of the self." To be fair, she's quoting Dr. Art Aron and his self-expansion model. Nevertheless, I nearly flung the book across the room. Love, by definition, is NOT about oneself.
All that said, I think there was a lot of great advice in her book, with sound, logical information. I'd definitely recommend it to 20s-30s women trying to figure out dating and men. Lots of great stuff - the best of it probably being Maslow's hierarchy of needs, which is referenced several times. A diagram of it is on p99.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
December 1, 2025
this was a great book, way better than any other dating advice book I've read! He's Just Not That Into You and Why Men Like Bitches are okay but they're very black and white. I'm wary of black and white. There's so much nuance in life and love that you can't really say with certainty any one tactic will work or is right for you. "Do this and that and you'll get a man" or "Do this and that and you'll have a good life" is a common theme in self-help books and to me, the black-and-white narrative of how to achieve what you want in something as complex as interpersonal relationships or self-actualization sells comfort over improvement - the idea that there is a "right" and "wrong" way to do things, and that the "right" path will definitively lead you to success. We get enough of that from society and school. As Hozier said, "Would things be easier if there was a right way? / Honey, there is no right way."
August 7, 2019
Using thorough and thoughtful research regarding love, dating and relationships, Ms. Birch speaks to the reader as she would a friend - direct yet kind and never pushy. She wants the reader to become more aware of their own behaviors in relationships just as much as to pay attention to the person they have become involved with or want to get involved with. As with other books about love and dating - she also states that dating is meant to be fun and never to be taken seriously in the beginning. Continue to date until the both of you decide that you no longer want to date others. We should also learn from experiences and recognize the patterns in which we have created through those life experiences. Full of good and useful information, I recommend this book for anyone who is having a tough time making a connection, whether in love, work or with friendships. Great read!
September 29, 2019
Really interesting research and compelling points around modern era dating. Found it much more interesting than Aziz Ansari's Modern Romance. This book delves into the psychology of relationships and what happens when people are in different phases of their lives. (i.e. trying to sort out their career, moving to a new city, struggling to get their life on track, wanting to enjoy life). There's this perceived power dynamic at play when in comes to dating and I really enjoyed the perspective around balanced relationships that aren't steeped in games.
Giving it 3.5 stars. Some of it was a bit gimmicky, but the overall message is solid. Book is geared towards college-educated, career-oriented twenty/thirty-something women.
Giving it 3.5 stars. Some of it was a bit gimmicky, but the overall message is solid. Book is geared towards college-educated, career-oriented twenty/thirty-something women.
June 17, 2021
While I concur with the author's overall point and I did find some degree of inspiration in the book, I also struggled a bit with this book. It reads like a magazine article - gossipy, giving funny/clever nicknames to dating characters and experiences, and plenty of phrasing like "he's not ready for your awesomeness". And I'm not sixteen anymore, so I tired of this quickly. Moreover, it makes me question who the audience for this book really is - because most of the highly educated, career-minded women I am in contact with on a daily basis have no patience for this style of writing. Again, the author does have some good points throughout the book and I'm certain the writing would work for a different reader, just not me.
June 19, 2018
It’s a fun and often illuminating perspective on what it has been like tackling modern dating for women in today’s world. Jenna Birch has done quite a bit of heavy lifting in this book for single women who are trying to figure out this chaotic lifestyle. She interviews men, women, couples across the board to provide a sense of the fast changing criteria for a partner not only for women but for men as well! It’s a good read especially for women trying to figure out what it means, as the author puts it, to be an “End Goal” woman!
March 28, 2019
I knew going into this book that I probably shouldn't read this book because it's written for single women to be a self help book for finding love. But I was really interested in her hypothesis that single men are often not interested in dating the boss women they say they're looking for. I enjoyed the first half of the book about the sociology, but found nothing of interest in the self help focus of the second half.
March 3, 2020
The book outlines different dating scenarios, types of men and women in relationships in detail - using psychology and research data to further break down and explain why certain things happened in each scenario. I found it to be a really helpful tool for understanding the trials and tribulations of modern dating. I found it really easy to follow. I struggle giving it the full 5 stars because I still think it may have been over simplified and too gendered.
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