Andrea’s cousin has pen pal promised to marry a French guy. Take note, a pen pal promise is legally binding! This is really bad, because she wants to marry boring Peter, and the French guy, Blaise, has letters and will make trouble. It will definitely for sure bring shame to her parents, who are coincidentally Andrea’s beloved aunt and uncle! ‘How terrible,’ says Andrea, ‘so what’s this got to do with me?’
‘Well, prima facie, nothing,’ says the cousin, ‘but be a dear and go sort it out?’
Andrea takes leave from her PR job, and pops off to the scary region of France. And yes, if you just did a double take, and went back to check that the author is Sara Craven, omg I know!! And it was published in 1978, which seems even more revolutionary. I mean, PR! That means Andrea has finished school, done some tertiary education, is maybe even motivated to do something with her life other than stare glumly at her hands until some guy starts regularly impregnating her.
Of course, she’s not smart enough to gently explain to her cousin that ‘I’ll help you through this’ doesn’t mean ‘I will take your place and go to some remote Gothic French place and meet some guy who was crazy and vaguely threatening in his letters, while you don’t tell anyone where I am and go bridezilla and forget that I exist until after you’re back from your honeymoon, at which point you start wondering why you haven’t heard from me, and then sometime around Easter the ice melts in the remote frozen stream where my strangled and stabbed body has lain for the past SIX MONTHS, and I’m washed into the village pond and the gendarmerie give your parents a call and ask if they know how I came to be murdered?’ So I don’t put too much stock in her intellect.
Blaise has a remote and crumbling old Chateau. He is scarred (hot!) and totally cranky. He’s not falling for the girl swap, but he’ll take what he can get. He needs a wife so he can win the custody battle for his nephew. The custody battle is against the sister of his sister in law, as both the child’s parents are dead. Tragically, horribly dead. Later Andrea will discover, and obsess over the fact that the aunt on the other side has a romantic past with Blaise, and rejected him after the accident that left him scarred.
‘Why do you want your nephew to live with you, given you appear to hate all humananity?’ Andrea does not ask. She could also have asked ‘why would you select some English girl you’ve never met as the perfect candidate to nurture a highly traumatised young boy, who needs therapy, not middle class English girl magic?’
Andrea is awesomely ill-prepared to look after a child. ‘Where shall we put le petit?’ asks Blaise’s housekeeper. When an English girl arrives on your doorstep, you can safely defer any decision making about sleeping arrangements to her. ‘Hmm, tricky,’ says Andrea. ‘I know! Let’s put him in the remote and scary Gothic tower! That’s the PERFECT place for a child!’ To be (slightly) fair, Andrea has made this interesting decision before discovering that the remote and scary Gothic tower also has a cursed family legend of murder and death and a sad ghost.
That poor kid. He’s a sweet little thing but an absolute mess. He shows up with his aunt, who is super glamorous and evil. Andrea quickly decides that it’s only a matter of time before Blaise starts sleeping with her again, because there’s nothing more irresistible than a sexy body, a vile personality, and the woman you love saying ‘eww, your face is so gross, I can’t kiss it!’ when you wake after a traumatic accident.
Since Blaise is all cranky and growly and into the evil psychotic aunt, Andrea gets her own boyfriend. Equal opportunity jealousy! There’s a conveniently English man living in the gatehouse. Being English, he’s just perfect for Andrea. He's also very useful to have around during gothic adventures. Sadly, he doesn’t yell at her or glare, so he can’t really compete with Blaise.
Everything bubbles along being just a little bit gothic, and ends without Blaise and Andrea really liking each other all that much. Oh but sure, they are totally in love! Until the very end Andrea’s convinced that Blaise is at least as evil as the other woman. They both have wildly diverse ideas on parenting, but it’s a really big house so I’m sure it’ll all work out fine for them. And at least Andrea’s been in contact with her relatives and they know where she is. So the discovery of her strangled and stabbed corpse will at least be anticipated from around Christmas time, even if it still doesn’t show up until Easter.