Things I have learned while reading the Fifty Shades series:
a. Stalking is good. (No, really...stalking is acceptable behavior! *rolls eyes*)
b. Being controlled is a turn on. (Free will? Freedom? Why would I want that? I want someone to control me! Well, sometimes, at least...because you know...there are benefits to being controlled. See below.)
c. If you have low self-esteem, it's perfectly okay to lose your virginity to a stalker, uber-controlling guy who gets off on kinky-f*ckery. Because, you know, you knew he was into kinky f*ckery (Ana's words, not mine!). You knew he didn't want the hearts and flowers and vanilla sex. And you know this because...well, you know...you embarked on this relationship after having signed a non-disclosure agreement regarding your relationship with said stalker-uber-control-freak, and after you've studied a contract regarding his kinky f*ckery and what he would do to you as his submissive. So you can't say that you didn't know what you were getting yourself into.
d. Once you've lost yourself to said stalker-uber-control-freak, it's okay to solve all your problems (and there will be many, mind you, starting with the fact that this guy you're having a relationship with is such a control freak and a stalker)...but I digress...it's okay to solve all your problems with never-ending-mind-blowing-kinky-f*ckery multiple times a day, every day. And the more problems and fights you have, the better. Because he gets off on when you're bad and you get off on his kinky f*ckery! And because by now, you realize that sex solves everything! That's the one thing you two have in common! You revel in it. Even if everything about you is being controlled such as what you eat, where you go, who you see, what you do, it's all okay! Kinky f*ckery solves all that lost freedom you once knew and enjoyed. And the best part? Everything's good because you've got a stalker-uber-control-freak who has accepted that you will not be a submissive. He worships the ground you walk on and loves you and can't live without you! (Psst...guess what...I think he's got lower self-esteem than you do! What's that? You think you're perfect for each other? Wow...I never would've seen that coming!)
e. And if you're bad (e.g., you decide to visit with your friend, your mom, go to work, or heaven forbid, skip a meal), you will be found. He will show up wherever you are, even if you're on the opposite end of the country. And you will be punished. Harshly. With never-ending-mind-blowing kinky f*ckery. And with spanking (for those small offenses), flogging or whipping (for slightly larger offenses), or if you were really bad, you will be tortured with a vibrator and will not be allowed to have an orgasm. (Ummm...okay...) Oh wait...sorry...that wasn't the worst. If you're really, really bad, as in you go topless in a nude beach in Italy, your wrists will be handcuffed to your ankles and you will be "tortured" with more kinky f*ckery, which will inevitably leave you with chafed wrists and ankles as well as hickies, bruises and bite marks all over your torso, from your neck down, so that you can no longer wear a bikini. You have been marked. As the property of one stalker-uber-control-freak. So let that be a lesson to you.
f. But if you were said low-self-esteemed-innocent girl, then you will be okay with it all. Because you
love
the stalker-uber-control-freak. Warts and all. And isn't that what love is all about anyway? Looking past someone's faults and accepting them, and losing yourself in them, and trying to forge through all that pain and angst together? Because you two together can do anything? Right? That's what it's all about, right? And you will save him. From himself. From his sad, forlorn, horrible, abused past. From the pedophile who turned him onto BDSM. From all the craziness that is in him. You are his Messiah. You will free him of all that ails him. You are strong enough for the both of you. You have achieved a demented Goddess complex. You will agree to marrying him, even though you've only known him less than two months because you know that you two are yin and yang. You complete each other. He had you at "Hello."
g. And it will all be okay, because said stalker-uber-control-freak will give you an Audi A3, a Saab, an Audi R8, a laptop, an iPad, a Blackberry, 3 (count 'em, 3!) first editions of Tess of the D'Urbervilles (because one wasn't enough), a closet full of designer clothing and a multimillion dollar house. Oh, did I mention that he will also buy the company that you work for, so that he can control you, what you do and who you work with? No? Well, stalker-uber-control-freak will definitely buy your company.
h. After all that, not to mention the mind blowing kinky f*ckery, why, you have no recourse but to marry the guy! Otherwise, you'd just be ungrateful. And because you know that your life would lose all meaning without him, and his would be a dark chasmic miasma without you. (I know, I know...you're perfect for each other! You already said that. Shhh!) So you will accept his offer of marriage. You will accept him, warts and all (which includes all his baggage). Which will, of course, include one (or all) of the following: blackmail, BDSM pedophilia, the Red Room of Pain, arson, kidnapping, breaking and entering, stalker ex-girlfriends who stalk you/watch you while you sleep/point a gun at you, women who want your man, sexual harassment by your boss, multiple car chases, spying, 24/7 security, a helicopter crash, psychiatric evaluations, intense mother-hatred, extreme jealousy, heart attacks, unwanted pregnancies...phew, I'm exhausted.
The list is exhaustive.
Boy, am I glad I read this series. Because now I know what I've been missing! Silly me, to think that my life has been pretty good thus far. *shakes head* I need to ditch my all-too-vanilla hubby and find a stalker-uber-control-freak who will demean me and control me and make me a billionaire and repay me with never-ending-mind-blowing kinky f*ckery and absolute, all-encompassing (read: stifling, suffocating, totally unhealthy) love. Because that's why this series is so popular right?
*shakes head*
Ugh.