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The Chronicles of St Mary's #8.1
Markham and the Anal Probing
Markham and the Anal Probing
And then there was the day when Markham managed to get himself snatched by aliens – or so we thought at the time.
I was summoned to Dr Bairstow’s office to find Markham and Peterson already present. We looked at each other.
‘Any clues?’ I asked.
They shrugged.
‘You can go in now,’ said Mrs Partridge, so in we went.
He looked up from his desk. ‘There you are.’
We agreed that yes, here we were.
He gestured at his briefing table on which reposed several archive boxes and a fat folder.
‘The County Archivist has been good enough to make available various documents requested by Dr Dowson. A condition was that we do not expose them to the hazards of a random delivery service.’ It was not clear whether it was the company or its delivery that was random, but we nodded anyway. ‘And so, I would like you, personally, to return these valuable documents with my compliments and thanks.’
He handed Peterson an envelope.
‘Of course, sir.’
‘This afternoon, if you please.’
Peterson glanced at his watch. ‘It’s already afternoon, sir.’
‘How quickly you grasp my meaning.’
‘I do my best, sir.’
‘I have assured the County Archivist that my best people are on the job. They being unavailable, however, I have therefore designated my Chief Operations Officer, my Head of Security and my Deputy Director to fulfil this simple task.’
His Deputy Directory, Head of Security and Chief Operations Officer assembled their best air of cool professionalism – which in our case consisted of standing a little straighter and not picking our noses. I don’t think he was impressed, staring at us bleakly for a few seconds and then demanding to know why we were still here.
Since Peterson was burdened with the envelope, Markham and I seized the boxes and we left with all speed.
‘Right,’ said Peterson, ‘I shall assume full control of this mission.’
Markham made a rude noise.
‘Get changed and meet in the car park in ten minutes. That’s ten minutes, Max. No wafting around in front of mirrors trying on dresses.’
Now I made a rude noise.
We met in the car park, shoving Markham and the boxes in the back, and departed.
‘A nice afternoon out,’ said a voice from behind the boxes, and we agreed.
Now I know what you’re thinking. I can hear exactly what you’re thinking, so I will say now that the boxes were delivered on time and to the correct destination. The County Archivist herself took delivery so God knows what was in them. Peterson, after a series of nudges from me, remembered to hand over Dr Bairstow’s letter of thanks and they gave us a cup of tea. They were lovely people. I wish I worked there. We set off for the return trip, hoping to be back in time for tea, and things started to go wrong almost immediately.
Peterson caught my eye. I always think that sounds as if you’ve been indulging in a quick game of eyeball tossing, but I knew what he meant
‘So,’ he said, almost casually, negotiating the last roundabout out of town and accelerating away, ‘how are things with you and Hunter?’
‘OK,’ said Markham vaguely. ‘I think.’
‘Don’t you know?’
‘Well, it’s hard to tell sometimes, but I always think if she’s not coming at me with a kidney bowl then, you know, things aren’t too bad.’
‘Why would she come at you with a kidney bowl?’
‘Because she can’t find a bedpan.’
Peterson tried again. ‘So – got any celebrations planned then?’
‘What for?’
‘Well, you have an anniversary coming up.’
‘What anniversary?’
‘Wedding. You know. You and Hunter.’
There was a long silence from the back. ‘Don’t know what you mean.’
‘I worked it out,’ said Peterson in his best I’m Peterson and I’m brilliant voice. ‘I’m looking at Hunter these days and she’s looking very well, isn’t she? Blooming, almost. And she’s a very moral girl is our Hunter. Well, she has to be since you don’t have a single moral to your name, so I reckon you had the ceremony just before or just after the Battle of St Mary’s which means there’s an anniversary coming up.’
There was a lot more silence from the back.
‘Oh come on,’ said Peterson. ‘Admit I’m right and the then the two of us can buy you a celebratory drink in the bar.’
More silence.
‘I’m right, aren’t I? Go on – say I’m right.’
Even more silence.
‘I don’t know why you won’t admit it,’ he said, slightly exasperated. ‘Are you ashamed of something? Wait until I tell Hunter you’re ashamed of her.’
He paused, hopefully.
Nothing but silence.
I pulled down the passenger’s sun flap and looked at the mirror. Markham was sitting with his arms folded and a stupid grin on his face.
‘I reckon,’ said Peterson, ‘the two of you snuck into the Register Office without telling anyone but I’m going to make you tell me just the same.’
Silence.
‘Right,’ he said. ‘You asked for it. Hold on tight, Max.’
We swerved off the road into a field, skidding to a halt in a shower of dust, stones and indignant birds.
‘What are we doing here?’ said Markham, picking himself up off the back seat and peering out ...
And then there was the day when Markham managed to get himself snatched by aliens – or so we thought at the time.
I was summoned to Dr Bairstow’s office to find Markham and Peterson already present. We looked at each other.
‘Any clues?’ I asked.
They shrugged.
‘You can go in now,’ said Mrs Partridge, so in we went.
He looked up from his desk. ‘There you are.’
We agreed that yes, here we were.
He gestured at his briefing table on which reposed several archive boxes and a fat folder.
‘The County Archivist has been good enough to make available various documents requested by Dr Dowson. A condition was that we do not expose them to the hazards of a random delivery service.’ It was not clear whether it was the company or its delivery that was random, but we nodded anyway. ‘And so, I would like you, personally, to return these valuable documents with my compliments and thanks.’
He handed Peterson an envelope.
‘Of course, sir.’
‘This afternoon, if you please.’
Peterson glanced at his watch. ‘It’s already afternoon, sir.’
‘How quickly you grasp my meaning.’
‘I do my best, sir.’
‘I have assured the County Archivist that my best people are on the job. They being unavailable, however, I have therefore designated my Chief Operations Officer, my Head of Security and my Deputy Director to fulfil this simple task.’
His Deputy Directory, Head of Security and Chief Operations Officer assembled their best air of cool professionalism – which in our case consisted of standing a little straighter and not picking our noses. I don’t think he was impressed, staring at us bleakly for a few seconds and then demanding to know why we were still here.
Since Peterson was burdened with the envelope, Markham and I seized the boxes and we left with all speed.
‘Right,’ said Peterson, ‘I shall assume full control of this mission.’
Markham made a rude noise.
‘Get changed and meet in the car park in ten minutes. That’s ten minutes, Max. No wafting around in front of mirrors trying on dresses.’
Now I made a rude noise.
We met in the car park, shoving Markham and the boxes in the back, and departed.
‘A nice afternoon out,’ said a voice from behind the boxes, and we agreed.
Now I know what you’re thinking. I can hear exactly what you’re thinking, so I will say now that the boxes were delivered on time and to the correct destination. The County Archivist herself took delivery so God knows what was in them. Peterson, after a series of nudges from me, remembered to hand over Dr Bairstow’s letter of thanks and they gave us a cup of tea. They were lovely people. I wish I worked there. We set off for the return trip, hoping to be back in time for tea, and things started to go wrong almost immediately.
Peterson caught my eye. I always think that sounds as if you’ve been indulging in a quick game of eyeball tossing, but I knew what he meant
‘So,’ he said, almost casually, negotiating the last roundabout out of town and accelerating away, ‘how are things with you and Hunter?’
‘OK,’ said Markham vaguely. ‘I think.’
‘Don’t you know?’
‘Well, it’s hard to tell sometimes, but I always think if she’s not coming at me with a kidney bowl then, you know, things aren’t too bad.’
‘Why would she come at you with a kidney bowl?’
‘Because she can’t find a bedpan.’
Peterson tried again. ‘So – got any celebrations planned then?’
‘What for?’
‘Well, you have an anniversary coming up.’
‘What anniversary?’
‘Wedding. You know. You and Hunter.’
There was a long silence from the back. ‘Don’t know what you mean.’
‘I worked it out,’ said Peterson in his best I’m Peterson and I’m brilliant voice. ‘I’m looking at Hunter these days and she’s looking very well, isn’t she? Blooming, almost. And she’s a very moral girl is our Hunter. Well, she has to be since you don’t have a single moral to your name, so I reckon you had the ceremony just before or just after the Battle of St Mary’s which means there’s an anniversary coming up.’
There was a lot more silence from the back.
‘Oh come on,’ said Peterson. ‘Admit I’m right and the then the two of us can buy you a celebratory drink in the bar.’
More silence.
‘I’m right, aren’t I? Go on – say I’m right.’
Even more silence.
‘I don’t know why you won’t admit it,’ he said, slightly exasperated. ‘Are you ashamed of something? Wait until I tell Hunter you’re ashamed of her.’
He paused, hopefully.
Nothing but silence.
I pulled down the passenger’s sun flap and looked at the mirror. Markham was sitting with his arms folded and a stupid grin on his face.
‘I reckon,’ said Peterson, ‘the two of you snuck into the Register Office without telling anyone but I’m going to make you tell me just the same.’
Silence.
‘Right,’ he said. ‘You asked for it. Hold on tight, Max.’
We swerved off the road into a field, skidding to a halt in a shower of dust, stones and indignant birds.
‘What are we doing here?’ said Markham, picking himself up off the back seat and peering out ...
10 pages, ebook
First published May 20, 2017
11 people are currently reading
1904 people want to read
About the author
Jodi Taylor
84 books5,392 followersJodi Taylor is the internationally bestselling author of the Chronicles of St Mary's series, the story of a bunch of disaster prone individuals who investigate major historical events in contemporary time. Do NOT call it time travel! She is also the author of the Time Police series - a St Mary's spinoff and gateway into the world of an all-powerful, international organisation who are NOTHING like St Mary's. Except, when they are.
Alongside these, Jodi is known for her gripping supernatural thrillers featuring Elizabeth Cage together with the enchanting Frogmorton Farm series - a fairy story for adults.
Born in Bristol and now living in Gloucester (facts both cities vigorously deny), she spent many years with her head somewhere else, much to the dismay of family, teachers and employers, before finally deciding to put all that daydreaming to good use and write a novel. Over twenty books later, she still has no idea what she wants to do when she grows up.
Alongside these, Jodi is known for her gripping supernatural thrillers featuring Elizabeth Cage together with the enchanting Frogmorton Farm series - a fairy story for adults.
Born in Bristol and now living in Gloucester (facts both cities vigorously deny), she spent many years with her head somewhere else, much to the dismay of family, teachers and employers, before finally deciding to put all that daydreaming to good use and write a novel. Over twenty books later, she still has no idea what she wants to do when she grows up.
Ratings & Reviews
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 88 reviews
May 21, 2017
Very funny short-short SF ribbing the hell out of our poor wonderful characters. :)
Read here: http://www.jodi-taylor.com/?p=751
Granted, it riffs off a lot of ongoing probes in the series in general, but it's delightful anyway. :)
Read here: http://www.jodi-taylor.com/?p=751
Granted, it riffs off a lot of ongoing probes in the series in general, but it's delightful anyway. :)
May 22, 2017
Rating: 4* of five
Just what the doctor ordered for a chilly, rainy Monday in May. Dear Markham. Such a rat bastard.
Just what the doctor ordered for a chilly, rainy Monday in May. Dear Markham. Such a rat bastard.
May 21, 2017
*lol* Not quite as funny as the last one about the water but still a nice respite with Max, Petersen and Markham. Spoiler alert: sadly, the titular anal probing was just theoretical. ;)
You can find the story *here*
You can find the story *here*
August 5, 2021
Funny as always! Love this series.
November 16, 2017
Totally silly, but it's St. Mary's!
January 6, 2018
Read all my reviews on http://urlphantomhive.booklikes.com
Like Desiccated Water this one is a very short story from Jodi Taylor's blog with the same St. Mary's chaos you've come to suspect. While too short, it is a nice addition to the series and I would recommend it to all fans (it will only take minutes to read anyway). Hope to see more short (and long) stories in the future!
Like Desiccated Water this one is a very short story from Jodi Taylor's blog with the same St. Mary's chaos you've come to suspect. While too short, it is a nice addition to the series and I would recommend it to all fans (it will only take minutes to read anyway). Hope to see more short (and long) stories in the future!
June 26, 2018
Very, very short story, with Max, Peterson and Markham, but even in that short a timespan, they manage to entertain.
July 15, 2018
A nice little side trip to St Mary's, entertaining indeed!
August 24, 2019
A silly little story, only sort-off amusing.
November 17, 2021
I love Markham!
April 16, 2023
Markham is delightfully rotten.
April 19, 2021
Markham has to be one of my favourite characters
March 27, 2022
Worth the five minutes or so it took to read.
August 13, 2017
Little short story from Jodi Taylor's website, concerning the ongoing saga that is Markham and Hunter.
I love all the snippets of Markham, he's by far my favourite character from the series.
I love all the snippets of Markham, he's by far my favourite character from the series.
August 1, 2022
4 stars
Another quick story, this one at least has some substance to it. I hope Markham never reveals his secret.
5.0 —One of the best I've ever read. Will be burned into my brain. Couldn't care less about weaknesses (if any). Would recommend to everyone and their mother.
4.5 —Loved this read. Will remember it fondly. Few weaknesses. Would recommend to anyone.
▌4.0 —Enjoyed this read. Will remember it fondly. Minor weaknesses. Would recommend to fans of the genre.
3.5 —Somewhat enjoyed this read. Might be memorable. Notable weaknesses. Would recommend to fans of the genre.
3.0 —Somewhat enjoyed this read. Not very memorable. Notable weaknesses. Would recommend to people who like similar books.
2.5 —Neutral or Underwhelming read. Not very memorable. Significant weaknesses. Would recommend to people who like similar books.
2.0 —Underwhelming or unenjoyable read. Not very memorable or memorable for the wrong reasons. Significant weaknesses. Might recommend to people who like similar books.
1.5 —Unenjoyable read. Not very memorable or memorable for bad reasons. Major weaknesses. Probably wouldn't recommend.
1.0 —I wish I never wasted minutes of my life on this trash. I would go out of my way to convince others not to read it.
Another quick story, this one at least has some substance to it. I hope Markham never reveals his secret.
5.0 —One of the best I've ever read. Will be burned into my brain. Couldn't care less about weaknesses (if any). Would recommend to everyone and their mother.
4.5 —Loved this read. Will remember it fondly. Few weaknesses. Would recommend to anyone.
▌4.0 —Enjoyed this read. Will remember it fondly. Minor weaknesses. Would recommend to fans of the genre.
3.5 —Somewhat enjoyed this read. Might be memorable. Notable weaknesses. Would recommend to fans of the genre.
3.0 —Somewhat enjoyed this read. Not very memorable. Notable weaknesses. Would recommend to people who like similar books.
2.5 —Neutral or Underwhelming read. Not very memorable. Significant weaknesses. Would recommend to people who like similar books.
2.0 —Underwhelming or unenjoyable read. Not very memorable or memorable for the wrong reasons. Significant weaknesses. Might recommend to people who like similar books.
1.5 —Unenjoyable read. Not very memorable or memorable for bad reasons. Major weaknesses. Probably wouldn't recommend.
1.0 —I wish I never wasted minutes of my life on this trash. I would go out of my way to convince others not to read it.
April 28, 2023
JimWell, that was a very short, short story, but funny nonetheless! Lol
Markham had been teased by Paterson, for some time now, as he's convinced that Markham, and Nurse Hunter, have secretly been married, but neither of them will deny, or confirm this.
So, when Max, Paterson, and Markham are sent to the County Archives, to deliver some documents, Paterson takes the opportunity to question Markham again.
But, very Markham-like, he turns tail on Paterson and Max, convincing them that he'd been kidnapped by aliens! Lol
There are a couple of other short stories following this one, so I'll get along and read them now.
The next one, numbered as Book 8.5, is called: A Perfect Storm, and can be found in Jodi's other short story collection: The Long and The Short of It.
I'll do, as usual, and see you on the flip side, to comment on it!
Markham had been teased by Paterson, for some time now, as he's convinced that Markham, and Nurse Hunter, have secretly been married, but neither of them will deny, or confirm this.
So, when Max, Paterson, and Markham are sent to the County Archives, to deliver some documents, Paterson takes the opportunity to question Markham again.
But, very Markham-like, he turns tail on Paterson and Max, convincing them that he'd been kidnapped by aliens! Lol
There are a couple of other short stories following this one, so I'll get along and read them now.
The next one, numbered as Book 8.5, is called: A Perfect Storm, and can be found in Jodi's other short story collection: The Long and The Short of It.
I'll do, as usual, and see you on the flip side, to comment on it!
October 20, 2023
This is a very short story in between St. Mary adventures & typical hilarious behavior whenever Max, Peterson, & Markham get together--count on mayhem! Given a simple task by Dr. Bairstow, which even this trio should be able to handle, Peterson decides now would be a good time to force Markham to reveal the mystery whether he & Nurse Hunter are actually married or not. But, as usual in these situations, the best plans go awry. Knowing they aren't to travel alone due to Ronan still being at large, Peterson's plan backfires when Markham decides to vacate their vehicle & he heads off into the fields on his own rather than answer their questions. When he suddenly vanishes, Max fears he may have been abducted by aliens--or Ronan. Only these three could make such a hash of a simple errand. Great fun!
October 28, 2018
This is part of the 'Chronicles of St Mary's' series. If you don't know it, start with book #1, Just One Damned Thing After Another, which is amazing.
This is a seriously short story published on Jodi Taylor's website:
http://www.jodi-taylor.com/?p=751
It's not much longer than this review, so you may as well read it, but I don't really recommend it as nothing much happens. Entirely skippable, but if you have a spare five minutes, go read...
This is a seriously short story published on Jodi Taylor's website:
http://www.jodi-taylor.com/?p=751
It's not much longer than this review, so you may as well read it, but I don't really recommend it as nothing much happens. Entirely skippable, but if you have a spare five minutes, go read...
November 20, 2020
It was just fun. And St. Mary's style humor cast by Markham who never gets an anal probe (though I haven't the foggiest what he and Hunter do for physical and beyond as well gratification). So he ends up getting to screw BOTH Max and Peterson. Poor Peterson. Yet again getting screwed whilst never getting laid. Always the brides maid and never the bride. Sort of. Maybe. Okay, probably not. And better to not be the one getting married anyways!!
Read
June 7, 2019Another cute little blog post (see Desiccated Water). This one is a short story featuring the lovely antics of Max, Markham, and Peterson, three of my favorites. A good way to get back into the lovely universe that is The Chronicles of St Mary's.
August 3, 2021
A free ultra short story, available on the authors website.
This is barely a chapter in length and is just a short idea, basically a joke that was made available separately, rather than included in a novel or short.
It is a funny little wheeze. Definitely worth the time. No substance, basically just a joke that is expanded out to a few hundred words.
This is barely a chapter in length and is just a short idea, basically a joke that was made available separately, rather than included in a novel or short.
It is a funny little wheeze. Definitely worth the time. No substance, basically just a joke that is expanded out to a few hundred words.
December 27, 2017
A fun little probing joke from the author's website. Really could go almost anywhere in the reading order once you have fallen in love with Markham. Not so much a story as an extended and distilled probe joke.
September 18, 2018
"Peterson caught my eye. I always think that sounds as if you’ve been indulging in a quick game of eyeball tossing, but I knew what he meant."
Cute little short with my three favorites from St. Mary's!
Cute little short with my three favorites from St. Mary's!
June 5, 2023
Cute little story of Markham, Max and Peterson. I love their little tales. And the oddity of Markham and Hunter not admitting to anything wrt to their relationship. Secrecy reason unknown, but an amusing side note.
May 21, 2017
too short but always a treat to peer under the knickers of St. Marys
July 2, 2017
Short but sweet and a lot of fun, I'm reading this slightly out of order, but that was OK, because even without all the context a bit of Markham action is always fun!
November 18, 2017
LOL! Cute short snippet in one of my favorite series.
November 28, 2017
A little bit of a story on the author's website. What a great reminder of how much I love these folks! Looking forward too the Christmas story this month and the new novel in May 2018!
December 27, 2017
Gotta love Markham! Aside from Max, he's gotta be my favourite.
February 22, 2018
Very short but very good....
Displaying 1 - 30 of 88 reviews