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My Secret Mother
Two different lives, one heartbreaking secret
When Phyllis Whitsell was just eight months old, her mother died of tuberculosis. At least, that what’s Phyllis grew up being told by her adoptive parents. But Phyllis never believed it was true. She prayed every night for God to take care of her birth mother, holding onto the hope that she was alive and out there, somewhere.
Finally, after years of searching, Phyllis finds her birth mother-Bridget, known locally as Tipperary Mary. But the loving reunion Phyllis had hoped for is complicated by a difficult past. The mother she discovers is a broken woman-a victim of early onset dementia, an alcoholic, and a woman crushed by years of missing the daughter she gave up.
Phyllis, by this time a community nurse with her own children, keeps the discovery from her family. She begins to care for Bridget-visiting her at home, buying her new clothes, tending to her maladies and giving her as much love as she can. All the while, Phyllis struggles with telling Bridget her true identity. And when she eventually introduces her son to his grandmother, Bridget doesn’t believe her. Bridget never fully understands that her tender new caregiver is the daughter she lost so long ago.
My Secret Mother is the extraordinary story of forgiveness and compassion, as a daughter’s search for her mother becomes a journey from abandonment into love.
When Phyllis Whitsell was just eight months old, her mother died of tuberculosis. At least, that what’s Phyllis grew up being told by her adoptive parents. But Phyllis never believed it was true. She prayed every night for God to take care of her birth mother, holding onto the hope that she was alive and out there, somewhere.
Finally, after years of searching, Phyllis finds her birth mother-Bridget, known locally as Tipperary Mary. But the loving reunion Phyllis had hoped for is complicated by a difficult past. The mother she discovers is a broken woman-a victim of early onset dementia, an alcoholic, and a woman crushed by years of missing the daughter she gave up.
Phyllis, by this time a community nurse with her own children, keeps the discovery from her family. She begins to care for Bridget-visiting her at home, buying her new clothes, tending to her maladies and giving her as much love as she can. All the while, Phyllis struggles with telling Bridget her true identity. And when she eventually introduces her son to his grandmother, Bridget doesn’t believe her. Bridget never fully understands that her tender new caregiver is the daughter she lost so long ago.
My Secret Mother is the extraordinary story of forgiveness and compassion, as a daughter’s search for her mother becomes a journey from abandonment into love.
256 pages, Mass Market Paperback
First published February 16, 2016
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254 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 75 reviews
June 8, 2016
I found the writing style very amateurish and irritating. The author had a very "poor me" attitude and seemed to get very upset if she wasn't fawned over by everyone who heard her story. A story which doesn't seem that unusual to me. I'm sure there are many addicted moms that give their children up for adoption, as sad as that is.
It is confusing as to why she was adopted by that family to begin with. Did Carole seriously ask for a sister and her parents got one from the neighbourhood orphanage?
That said, the story itself was good and I kept reading the book to see what happens next because I was interested to see what happened to Bridget and to Phyllis.
It is confusing as to why she was adopted by that family to begin with. Did Carole seriously ask for a sister and her parents got one from the neighbourhood orphanage?
That said, the story itself was good and I kept reading the book to see what happens next because I was interested to see what happened to Bridget and to Phyllis.
September 14, 2016
I tried really hard to like this book......but while I hoped it would get better, it never did. The only reason I'm giving it even one star is for the fact that this is her memoir and it takes courage to share your story. The writing style is horrible and all over the map. There were parts of this book that were so unorganized and out of place that I wondered how on earth this was ever published. It is also tiresome to continually read the "pity party" in every single situation she faced........there was seldom any hope, any self reflection, any ownership of how things may have been not entirely "out to get her". Then there is the entire unethical manor in which she meets her mother.....I won't go into that to not spoil this for some, but it is just horrid. I don't recommend this read.
October 27, 2018
This book as in many ways an agony to read, given the degree that the authoress expresses of feeling both unloved and wanted for, in my view, all the wrong reasons.
Realizing that there are two sides to all stories, I could not, however, imagine anyone simply adopting a child to give a natural child someone "to play with", as if that child were akin to a doll or a teddy bear. And to keep that child at bay for fear of distressing the biological one - how does a sensitive human being do this? If even one tenth of this diffenrence in treatment occurred, it is appalling.
The triumph is that Phyllis was able to grow up in enough of a nurturing envirnment to have a worthy career and a family of her own, and to have compassion for those who've disappointed her. This is a good read for anyone interested in the resilience of the human spirit.
Realizing that there are two sides to all stories, I could not, however, imagine anyone simply adopting a child to give a natural child someone "to play with", as if that child were akin to a doll or a teddy bear. And to keep that child at bay for fear of distressing the biological one - how does a sensitive human being do this? If even one tenth of this diffenrence in treatment occurred, it is appalling.
The triumph is that Phyllis was able to grow up in enough of a nurturing envirnment to have a worthy career and a family of her own, and to have compassion for those who've disappointed her. This is a good read for anyone interested in the resilience of the human spirit.
July 9, 2016
I think the author was a little over-fond of the word "shouted". I am skeptical that everything said by everyone to her was "shouted". The writing was very basic, and although the story itself was interesting I just felt that the author was very "woe is me" and comes off as feeling as though she is the only decent human being in her life.
April 17, 2020
3.5 stars
the writing style was different and I did enjoy it. I could feel the pain she was going through and as a reader, I always find it important to be able to know what the author is feeling. The chapters were quite long, but it was still great!
the writing style was different and I did enjoy it. I could feel the pain she was going through and as a reader, I always find it important to be able to know what the author is feeling. The chapters were quite long, but it was still great!
June 30, 2019
I enjoyed this story, though I found the author to be a little selfish at times. It seems as though she took all actions of others personally, and felt she deserved more than she got.
It is fair to say that she wasn't always treated well, but her situation(s) was most definitely not terrible. For this, I have to give it a 3 star, as her view seems a little unjust, and although sad, there are greater woes in the world.
I would have loved to hear more about Bridget's past. Why was she the way she was? What really had happened to her? Where is the rest of her family?
It would be great to know what happened to Phyllis' siblings. Where are they now??
It is fair to say that she wasn't always treated well, but her situation(s) was most definitely not terrible. For this, I have to give it a 3 star, as her view seems a little unjust, and although sad, there are greater woes in the world.
I would have loved to hear more about Bridget's past. Why was she the way she was? What really had happened to her? Where is the rest of her family?
It would be great to know what happened to Phyllis' siblings. Where are they now??
October 17, 2017
The story here is actually quite interesting, it has a few twists that would certainly take it out of the realm of a typical adoption tale but is certainly let down by the format. More detail and care in both writing quality and narrative structure could have certainly turned this into something special. A missed opportunity.
November 6, 2017
This book had me right from the beginning. My heart was broken for how she described her shame in being adopted. I just can't understand how her adopted Mother made such a big deal out of it and just couldn't love her as she needed to be. How a hero she is in my eyes to care for her birth Mother. And her husband. grrrrr. That's a whole book club discussion right there.
February 13, 2017
I think I was expecting more of a story. This book was much more of a biography or a diary. I'm glad the author was able to express how she felt about the situation which must have been very difficult. How ever it just felt very much like one long complaint.
July 9, 2017
I have no idea why this book was published. The writing was absolutely atrocious. An editor should have fixed it (or refused to publish it in the first place). And the story wasn't very compelling. Plus it had huge gaps in the timeline that Witsell never filled in.
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July 29, 2017This book reminds me of why I rarely read memoirs. Simply put, this woman thinks her story is fascinating and heart-wrenching and wants to make herself look good by sharing it, but she cannot write. I've seen high-school essays with better writing. It appears from looking at the pictures included in the book that she had a person named Barbara helping her write. If so, she should ask Barbara for her money back.
I found Phyllis to be self-pitying and self-aggrandizing. She repeats many, many times that she "cared for her mother for eight years" although I've seen my dentist more often in eight years than she saw her mother during that time. There were gaps of literally years between her visits to her mother. Yet she has convinced herself that she is next to saintly because she cleaned up her mother a few times and helped her bathe once. She could see that her mother was struggling with addiction and other issues yet she never lifted a finger to get her into a care facility or send any kind of help. Her exaggeration of her "care" grates on me no end. When Phyllis's mother died, she hadn't seen her or talked to her in two years!
Despite keeping the secret from her mother that she was in fact her daughter, Phyllis laments that she left telling her mother her true identity "until it was too late". Sorry, lady, you'll not get any sympathy from me for treating your mother with so little respect.
There are many thousands upon thousands of people who have been adopted. There is nothing especially unique to society in general about having been adopted (though of course I understand that each individual journey is unique), yet Phyllis acts as if the entire world revolves around her adoption. She behaves as if she is the only one who has ever been adopted. She dislikes anyone who doesn't completely commiserate with her and praise her constantly. I notice she particularly dislikes women in authority, including her adoptive mother and McFadden in charge of the orphanage. She continually describes almost everyone in the book as insensitive and cruel, and that gets tiresome really quickly. She keeps talking about people shouting at her and snapping at her and after a while you realize that they were doing no such thing; she was attempting to generate sympathy.
Phyllis's life after adoption was not so bad. Yes, it must have been hurtful if the biological daughter was treated better than the adopted daughter, but frankly after reading this book I doubt it was anything like she described it. She lived in a safe home with a loving father, went to school, traveled, played with other kids, and was never abused. She had friends and a normal life and was given the opportunity to pursue post-secondary training. All in all, she doesn't have much to complain about.
Phyllis paints herself as a complete saint who never set a foot wrong. I don't believe it. I find this story to be poorly told, lopsided, self-pitying, and boring. I can't stand Phyllis, even though I never met her.
Skip this one. It isn't worth it.
I found Phyllis to be self-pitying and self-aggrandizing. She repeats many, many times that she "cared for her mother for eight years" although I've seen my dentist more often in eight years than she saw her mother during that time. There were gaps of literally years between her visits to her mother. Yet she has convinced herself that she is next to saintly because she cleaned up her mother a few times and helped her bathe once. She could see that her mother was struggling with addiction and other issues yet she never lifted a finger to get her into a care facility or send any kind of help. Her exaggeration of her "care" grates on me no end. When Phyllis's mother died, she hadn't seen her or talked to her in two years!
Despite keeping the secret from her mother that she was in fact her daughter, Phyllis laments that she left telling her mother her true identity "until it was too late". Sorry, lady, you'll not get any sympathy from me for treating your mother with so little respect.
There are many thousands upon thousands of people who have been adopted. There is nothing especially unique to society in general about having been adopted (though of course I understand that each individual journey is unique), yet Phyllis acts as if the entire world revolves around her adoption. She behaves as if she is the only one who has ever been adopted. She dislikes anyone who doesn't completely commiserate with her and praise her constantly. I notice she particularly dislikes women in authority, including her adoptive mother and McFadden in charge of the orphanage. She continually describes almost everyone in the book as insensitive and cruel, and that gets tiresome really quickly. She keeps talking about people shouting at her and snapping at her and after a while you realize that they were doing no such thing; she was attempting to generate sympathy.
Phyllis's life after adoption was not so bad. Yes, it must have been hurtful if the biological daughter was treated better than the adopted daughter, but frankly after reading this book I doubt it was anything like she described it. She lived in a safe home with a loving father, went to school, traveled, played with other kids, and was never abused. She had friends and a normal life and was given the opportunity to pursue post-secondary training. All in all, she doesn't have much to complain about.
Phyllis paints herself as a complete saint who never set a foot wrong. I don't believe it. I find this story to be poorly told, lopsided, self-pitying, and boring. I can't stand Phyllis, even though I never met her.
Skip this one. It isn't worth it.
July 29, 2021
What could have been a compelling and great read was lost in disjointed writing and dwelling on rambling details. Ms Whitsell truly gets my sympathy but I felt she spent way too much time on accounts of rude people. It is pitiful that she had no one to help her through this difficult journey. She muddled through without coping skills. I'm saddened by the ignorance of her adopted family. It's wierd that she nursed her mother for 8 years in squalid conditions and never could get her in a home. The state of availability of adoptive information back them was sad. Everyone deserves access to the truth about their birth. I'm shocked that she made the decision not to try to contact her other siblings. She holds the key to so much information. As an adopted person, I'm aware that not everyone wants to be involved with their birth family, but almost everyone wants to know and then choose to engage them or not. I commend Ms Whitsell for seemingly doing her best in this story, but I wish it had been presented more succinctly.
March 20, 2020
bridget was 22 she had keiran after 3 years in a mother baby unit run by nuns she left him there and moved to Coventry England on may 18 1956 she gave birth to a daughter Phyllis he mother left her at father hudsons home a catholic adoption agency when she was 8 months old. at age 4 Phyllis wasa adopted by mr and mrs price who had children kevin 12 Anthony 9 and carol 5 her new mother never let her forget she was adopted and that their natual daughter carol was better than her.the only two who really cared about her was her new dad and brother kevin….years later Phyllis decides to find her mother and she finds a raging and rude alcholic . Phyllis is a nurse and hides behind her uniform and says shes there to help her without her knowing its her daughter Phyllis learns about her mom and about herself but cant find the right time to tell her mom who she is.....a heart warming and touching story of adoption....
June 25, 2022
My thoughts on the book read June 2022. I was discouraged she didn't look for her brothers and birth Mothers relations and never told her Mother she was her daughter when she had a chance. Also it never really mentioned why her Mother was aggressive and what happened to her years ago. What made her turn to drinking so much? The adoptive Mother should have spent time in prison for being so hateful to her adoptive daughter while treating her own daughter with too much respect and love. It seemed like the adoptive daughter did not have love sent to her room too many times in hatred and the adopted daughter was very hurt by this.
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May 25, 2023While I did not think the author was the most skilled writer, it is her first book and it is a true story. It held my attention throughout.
My one thought that I am puzzled about it how the author makes it clear that an adoptee has a right to know who he is and where he comes from, she does not seem to be applying this to the four siblings she learns about, only to herself. She says when her first child is born that at last there is someone who looks like her and is related. Why has she not in all of her searching and putting her mother on hold, looked for her older brother or her younger siblings?
My one thought that I am puzzled about it how the author makes it clear that an adoptee has a right to know who he is and where he comes from, she does not seem to be applying this to the four siblings she learns about, only to herself. She says when her first child is born that at last there is someone who looks like her and is related. Why has she not in all of her searching and putting her mother on hold, looked for her older brother or her younger siblings?
August 29, 2017
Well, I tried again today but I can't stomach any more of her whining and complaining. It seems to me that a four or five year old child couldn't and wouldn't see all of the thoughts and feelings of her adopted family the way this woman says she did. I think that she's projecting her adult feelings onto her young self and it doesn't read well for me. She's written herself as such an unlikeable sulky whiny child that I don't want to continue with her story.
January 5, 2018
This "book" was a huge let down for me. I was captivates by the store on the books jacket but the writing on the outside vs the writing inside are clearly written by two different people. The book is a memoir written by a lady who had a difficult childhood and wants everyone to know it. I've tried but I have been unable to bring myself to read the last few dozen pages of the book. Do yourself the favour and look for any other book....
December 24, 2020
I have read this book around 3 times and every time I have read it, some of the parts still hit me hard with emotion. However, at times the book dragged on and there was a lot of unnecessary information that could have been taken out. Since the book was a true story, it is easy to feel the emotion that is being portrayed by the main character as it is heavily described. I would definitely recommend this book to anyone who just needs something easy and interesting to read.
May 18, 2024
This book was well written, although at times, It felt rushed. The author did a great job of summarizing her life and determination to find her birth mother. However, at times, it felt very matter of fact and empty of depth and emotion. The author's writing style was easy to read, and I enjoyed the book. I had difficulty connecting to the author or feeling deeply for her story and message. When reading the final pages, there wasn't much draw to emphasize with the writer. It's a good book and does have a good overall message for the rights of those who are adopted.
August 22, 2024
Rounded up from 1 1/2 stars.
I wanted to like this story, but it didn't happen. I felt Phyllis belabored her adoption and her caring about natural mother even at Bridget 's worse. It showed her ability to armour herself with professional detachment when she first started visiting Bridget. I empathize with her, that her adoptive mother nor her natural mother were the mother she needed. It was good to see she was able to be a good mother to her own children.
I wanted to like this story, but it didn't happen. I felt Phyllis belabored her adoption and her caring about natural mother even at Bridget 's worse. It showed her ability to armour herself with professional detachment when she first started visiting Bridget. I empathize with her, that her adoptive mother nor her natural mother were the mother she needed. It was good to see she was able to be a good mother to her own children.
September 19, 2020
The author provided a good description of how an adopted person may feel about being adopted: never knowing about their predecessors, and possibly never fitting in or being treated differently. The later would be very hard to deal with! I would never want to walk in her shoes. It is wonderful that she was able to create a wonderful family and life for herself.
December 29, 2022
A sad book. Although not well written, this daughter-mother story of abandonment and adoption is unique and grabbed my attention. Life is complicated and I completely agree that Phyllis had to write the book. This story had to be told.
No matter how one looks at it, adoptions are complicated. Some more than others.
Recommended.
No matter how one looks at it, adoptions are complicated. Some more than others.
Recommended.
July 2, 2023
I'm honestly not sure how this was a national bestseller. It was simply a story of a child given up for adoption, life at an orphanage, being adopted into a not amazing family (but not horrendous) and then finally locating her birth mother only to find out she was an alcoholic. Nothing special in my mind.
September 25, 2024
Poorly written and a boring pity party from start to finish. I wouldn’t have finished it if it wasn’t a selection for our book club. I was shocked at how unprofessional Phyllis was when she finally met her mother. She seems to think she deserves applause and recognition for being adopted and looking for her mother but I just feel she was self-centred. There is too much “poor me” in this book.
January 31, 2020
A daughter tries to find her biological mother, only to discover she is a down-and-out alcoholic living in squalid conditions. She nurses her mother for years before revealing her true identity. Did she wait too long? Read and decide for yourself :) Book 2 of #RoccasReads2020 #220for2020
June 6, 2021
I think it is so important that these stories are written and the childlike quality is life as they experienced it as that child. These stories expose the flaws in our institutions and will help us be more aware and hopefully build better systems.
October 29, 2022
Very well written story of the author’s life as an adopted child and her later search and relationship with her biological mother. The author is compassionate and accepts her life with all its trials. Good read.
February 16, 2025
This book had a really nice storyline. However, the writing was poor and didn't flow well. I wasn't able to connect with the main character Phyllis. The storyline had a lot of potential to provoke more emotions from the reader.
October 11, 2017
This book made me want to cry. The way it was written made me feel like the author was telling me the story in person.
December 29, 2017
While this story was very compelling and I was interested in finding out what happened, it was poorly written.
Displaying 1 - 30 of 75 reviews