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A Slow Childhood: Notes on Thoughtful Parenting
‘Helen Hayward’s family have been blessed to have her as a wife and mother; now we as her readers are blessed to have her as our guide, confidante and explorer through the tumultuous, intensely familiar and yet entirely uncharted lands of children and parenting. Her achievement is to have written a book about the most ordinary things and to have located therein the most extraordinary insights and ideas.’ So writes Alain de Botton in his foreword to A Slow Childhood, a book he describes as “a triumph” having at its heart the greatest, founding philosophical question, a question parenting ineluctably demands that one address: what is a good life?
If you’ve ever struggled to balance a desire for personal fulfilment with a yearning to be the best parent you can be, Helen Hayward’s journey will resonate with you. Part-memoir, part-existential musings, part-guidebook, A Slow Childhood is based on the former academic and psychotherapist’s personal experience of transitioning from a life focused on career to a life focused on family.
Hayward’s discussion of how to make parenting work best for mothers, fathers and their children is thoughtful, honest, refreshing and challenging. It may be the book that changes your life, and the lives of your children, forever.
A Slow Childhood is a triumph. I was very moved, often to tears, by it. – Alain de Botton
If you’ve ever struggled to balance a desire for personal fulfilment with a yearning to be the best parent you can be, Helen Hayward’s journey will resonate with you. Part-memoir, part-existential musings, part-guidebook, A Slow Childhood is based on the former academic and psychotherapist’s personal experience of transitioning from a life focused on career to a life focused on family.
Hayward’s discussion of how to make parenting work best for mothers, fathers and their children is thoughtful, honest, refreshing and challenging. It may be the book that changes your life, and the lives of your children, forever.
A Slow Childhood is a triumph. I was very moved, often to tears, by it. – Alain de Botton
- GenresParentingNonfiction
172 pages, Paperback
Published June 10, 2017
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202 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 6 of 6 reviews
June 12, 2017
Helen Hayward’s philosophy on family has completely changed my life, and in ways I never expected it would. Many of my friends and family members would be stunned to learn, for example, that I now actually enjoy the housework.
One quote from Helen’s new book, A Slow Childhood: Notes on thoughtful parenting, found its way onto the bedroom cupboard door even before we’d exchanged contracts, because it made me completely rethink the way I was setting my priorities: “Start doing whatever you care about most today”. Not what you want most, or need most, but what you most care about.
Unsurprisingly, I found myself cutting back my work hours to spend more time with my children after reading Helen’s manuscript. I started heading to the school library twice a week with my four-year-old while his brother was in music lessons. I took the seven-year-old out of the Spanish lessons he hated and booked him into drawing classes instead. Now he’s spending late afternoons immersed in his drawing book instead of asking to watch TV or play electronic games. They’re both going to bed earlier and spending more time listening restfully as we take turns reading them to sleep. The Narnia books filled our summer nights, with the Faraway Tree series lasting through much of autumn. We’ve always read to the boys, but it was a chore before, eating into time we thought we needed for us. Now it’s my favourite part of the day, and theirs.
It’s the housework revelation that has been the most surprising for me of the changes Helen has inspired, though. She has made me appreciate for the first time ever the value to my wellbeing of working to keep a tidy and pleasant home.
“… Done in the right spirit, housekeeping can be just as uplifting as any other activity,” Helen writes in A Slow Childhood.
“There is something rather wonderful about being on top of it … It’s the domestic arts that give rhythm, depth and style to family life.”
She’s right. When we are parents, our home is the centre of our world. I don’t know about you, but I feel happier when it’s tidy, clean and pleasant to be in, and if it takes an hour or two a day to keep it that way, well, so be it.
As Helen says of herself in the closing chapter, it’s about knowing how to “make my family’s rumpled beds without feeling demeaned by doing so, knowing how much a loving and attractive home means to me”.
I’ve taken a great deal more pleasure in the results of my efforts around the house since reading these lines, and been far less resentful of the three co-residents who leave the bedlinen exactly as it falls when they climb out of it each morning.
I’m not saying women should do all the housework, simply that if we like things to be a certain way and our partners have a different tolerance level or view of what is acceptable, then the easiest fix is to stay on top of those things ourselves without gritting our teeth and cursing their names all the while.
In terms of ensuring there is a fair division of labour in the household, a great solution is to put together a complete list of chores required to keep your home and family life ticking over smoothly, from booking parent-teacher meetings (me) and cooking to dinner (him) to wiping under the dish rack (me) and baking and decorating birthday cakes (him). Divide the items on the list into columns in line with who takes responsibility for them now, then discuss how you can allocate tasks more fairly.
This worked like magic for us, because I don’t think either of us had any idea how much the other was contributing. The nagging has stopped, there are always clean and ironed clothes to wear, the bins are always out on collection day and we get to school on time in the morning. I cannot recommend the chore list highly enough.
As for A Slow Childhood, if you’re a parent, or looking for a gift for someone you know who is or soon will be, it should be top of your list. Oh, and don’t just take my word for it. Philosopher, broadcaster and author Alain de Botton, who wrote the foreword for the book, has described A Slow Childhood as ‘a triumph’ that made him cry more than once.
– Charlotte Harper, Founder + Publisher, Editia
One quote from Helen’s new book, A Slow Childhood: Notes on thoughtful parenting, found its way onto the bedroom cupboard door even before we’d exchanged contracts, because it made me completely rethink the way I was setting my priorities: “Start doing whatever you care about most today”. Not what you want most, or need most, but what you most care about.
Unsurprisingly, I found myself cutting back my work hours to spend more time with my children after reading Helen’s manuscript. I started heading to the school library twice a week with my four-year-old while his brother was in music lessons. I took the seven-year-old out of the Spanish lessons he hated and booked him into drawing classes instead. Now he’s spending late afternoons immersed in his drawing book instead of asking to watch TV or play electronic games. They’re both going to bed earlier and spending more time listening restfully as we take turns reading them to sleep. The Narnia books filled our summer nights, with the Faraway Tree series lasting through much of autumn. We’ve always read to the boys, but it was a chore before, eating into time we thought we needed for us. Now it’s my favourite part of the day, and theirs.
It’s the housework revelation that has been the most surprising for me of the changes Helen has inspired, though. She has made me appreciate for the first time ever the value to my wellbeing of working to keep a tidy and pleasant home.
“… Done in the right spirit, housekeeping can be just as uplifting as any other activity,” Helen writes in A Slow Childhood.
“There is something rather wonderful about being on top of it … It’s the domestic arts that give rhythm, depth and style to family life.”
She’s right. When we are parents, our home is the centre of our world. I don’t know about you, but I feel happier when it’s tidy, clean and pleasant to be in, and if it takes an hour or two a day to keep it that way, well, so be it.
As Helen says of herself in the closing chapter, it’s about knowing how to “make my family’s rumpled beds without feeling demeaned by doing so, knowing how much a loving and attractive home means to me”.
I’ve taken a great deal more pleasure in the results of my efforts around the house since reading these lines, and been far less resentful of the three co-residents who leave the bedlinen exactly as it falls when they climb out of it each morning.
I’m not saying women should do all the housework, simply that if we like things to be a certain way and our partners have a different tolerance level or view of what is acceptable, then the easiest fix is to stay on top of those things ourselves without gritting our teeth and cursing their names all the while.
In terms of ensuring there is a fair division of labour in the household, a great solution is to put together a complete list of chores required to keep your home and family life ticking over smoothly, from booking parent-teacher meetings (me) and cooking to dinner (him) to wiping under the dish rack (me) and baking and decorating birthday cakes (him). Divide the items on the list into columns in line with who takes responsibility for them now, then discuss how you can allocate tasks more fairly.
This worked like magic for us, because I don’t think either of us had any idea how much the other was contributing. The nagging has stopped, there are always clean and ironed clothes to wear, the bins are always out on collection day and we get to school on time in the morning. I cannot recommend the chore list highly enough.
As for A Slow Childhood, if you’re a parent, or looking for a gift for someone you know who is or soon will be, it should be top of your list. Oh, and don’t just take my word for it. Philosopher, broadcaster and author Alain de Botton, who wrote the foreword for the book, has described A Slow Childhood as ‘a triumph’ that made him cry more than once.
– Charlotte Harper, Founder + Publisher, Editia
September 29, 2017
Experiencing life at the coalface of humanity. Parenting is hard, involves a lot of sacrifices and frustrations, and for most people (still) will be regarded as the single most valuable contribution they have to give.
The showstopper life event that is parenthood is related gently here in A SLOW CHILDHOOD with respect and great care. Helen Haywards homage to the crazy years of having young children will not scare off the parental newbie and does a great service in reassuring those of us still in the trenches with little ones underfoot that what we are doing is purposeful and a valuable part of the human experience. It will be exhausting, it will be repetitive, it may even mostly fall on one parent only to keep the wheels turning on the home front and careers may take side steps or pause in total. Always, always, we are told, parenting is a worthy endeavour that will remove the gauzy view from an adult, used to freewheeling through life without responsibilities, and show them how the world really turns.
Author Helen Hayward has found the power and beauty of the ordinary and takes honest pride in the quiet achievements of being the primary care giver. The unacknowledged importance of creating manageable routines, running a household (mostly without conflict) whilst not losing a sense of self is given its due and fair grace in A SLOW CHILDHOOD. This is not necessarily a parental guide; more a parental reassurance.
Hayward writes with warmth and her personal anecdotes are honest depictions of a busy life lived in the real world that does not always run smoothly. The fine line between not losing sight of your own life (entirely!) whilst giving your children a safe and happy childhood is explored with good sense and good humour. Reading A SLOW CHILDHOOD is a comfort and a joy for anyone who needs confirmation of the value of family life.
The showstopper life event that is parenthood is related gently here in A SLOW CHILDHOOD with respect and great care. Helen Haywards homage to the crazy years of having young children will not scare off the parental newbie and does a great service in reassuring those of us still in the trenches with little ones underfoot that what we are doing is purposeful and a valuable part of the human experience. It will be exhausting, it will be repetitive, it may even mostly fall on one parent only to keep the wheels turning on the home front and careers may take side steps or pause in total. Always, always, we are told, parenting is a worthy endeavour that will remove the gauzy view from an adult, used to freewheeling through life without responsibilities, and show them how the world really turns.
Author Helen Hayward has found the power and beauty of the ordinary and takes honest pride in the quiet achievements of being the primary care giver. The unacknowledged importance of creating manageable routines, running a household (mostly without conflict) whilst not losing a sense of self is given its due and fair grace in A SLOW CHILDHOOD. This is not necessarily a parental guide; more a parental reassurance.
Hayward writes with warmth and her personal anecdotes are honest depictions of a busy life lived in the real world that does not always run smoothly. The fine line between not losing sight of your own life (entirely!) whilst giving your children a safe and happy childhood is explored with good sense and good humour. Reading A SLOW CHILDHOOD is a comfort and a joy for anyone who needs confirmation of the value of family life.
March 22, 2021
I liked this book. I liked the concept of being there for one’s family and making one’s home a welcoming one for our children. I like the idea of being a safe, cozy heaven for our children so that they grow up secure and ready for the world.
But the idea that I should let my kids take me for granted and I should do all chores without their help including for example, making their own bed even when they can do this by themselves made me uncomfortable because I’m raising my kids not just for the present but also for the future. A future in which they won’t have me around to do all these things for them, a future in which they will hopefully have their own families and a partner that will have to deal with my son or daughter who will expect everything to be done for them because their mum taught them to expect that.
Perhaps I misunderstood the author? It would be my main criticism of the book as it is overall such a nice book and it is indeed quite lovely to read something aimed at loving your family and being there for them.
But the idea that I should let my kids take me for granted and I should do all chores without their help including for example, making their own bed even when they can do this by themselves made me uncomfortable because I’m raising my kids not just for the present but also for the future. A future in which they won’t have me around to do all these things for them, a future in which they will hopefully have their own families and a partner that will have to deal with my son or daughter who will expect everything to be done for them because their mum taught them to expect that.
Perhaps I misunderstood the author? It would be my main criticism of the book as it is overall such a nice book and it is indeed quite lovely to read something aimed at loving your family and being there for them.
March 18, 2024
I enjoyed this book, and read it over the course of a few days with it not being too long. Hayward doesn’t want to patronise and tell you what to do, only what worked for her and her family. I didn’t always resonate 100% with some points and experiences, but I took enough joy from this book it didn’t matter. Short hints and things to think about for an expecting mother.
March 30, 2018
A beautiful book
December 25, 2023
I enjoyed Helen’s way of writing and was gripped to read page after page. I liked her candid speech and enjoyed her revelations and psychologist insights she brought with it.
The title of the book lead me to believe this would be a somewhat different book, perhaps about someone who relishes throwing off any career for the pleasure of domesticity/home schooling. However I felt that Helen was trying to somewhat convince herself the entire way that She made the right choice in trying to balance her career with her children.
I appreciate that she is however a different thinker to me - whereas I relish every moment of parenthood and in fact dread the day I have freedom, where I am no longer lost in motherhood: Helen speaks of this freedom as something golden that is not too far off, where independence can return.
Although she speaks of being an Australian, the concept of au pair is largely foreign here and I couldn’t pick one person I know who would have (or could afford) this luxury here. I appreciate this was when she was in London, but it is offered as a good idea, as if it is run-of-the-mill, as if it’s as achievable of a hint as ‘try a baby play pen’, it was hard to relate to.
One of her hints I found very confusing is where she speaks on page 110 ‘what to do if you find yourself wondering why you’re spending so much time with your children… by starving them of attention they will get the hint and wander off’. Really can you spend too much time with your children?
Still a enjoyable book, and impressive effort to write novels while being a mum in a busy world.
The title of the book lead me to believe this would be a somewhat different book, perhaps about someone who relishes throwing off any career for the pleasure of domesticity/home schooling. However I felt that Helen was trying to somewhat convince herself the entire way that She made the right choice in trying to balance her career with her children.
I appreciate that she is however a different thinker to me - whereas I relish every moment of parenthood and in fact dread the day I have freedom, where I am no longer lost in motherhood: Helen speaks of this freedom as something golden that is not too far off, where independence can return.
Although she speaks of being an Australian, the concept of au pair is largely foreign here and I couldn’t pick one person I know who would have (or could afford) this luxury here. I appreciate this was when she was in London, but it is offered as a good idea, as if it is run-of-the-mill, as if it’s as achievable of a hint as ‘try a baby play pen’, it was hard to relate to.
One of her hints I found very confusing is where she speaks on page 110 ‘what to do if you find yourself wondering why you’re spending so much time with your children… by starving them of attention they will get the hint and wander off’. Really can you spend too much time with your children?
Still a enjoyable book, and impressive effort to write novels while being a mum in a busy world.
Displaying 1 - 6 of 6 reviews