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Anatomy of an Affair: How Affairs, Attractions, and Addictions Develop, and How to Guard Your Marriage Against Them
When it comes to adultery, never say, “It won’t happen to me.”
Just when you think your marriage is safe from adultery is when you may be the most vulnerable.
With eye-opening stories, clinical insights, and up-to-date data, Dave Carder reveals what adulterers learned the hard way—and what they want the rest of us to know to save us the pain.
Dave Carder, counselor and author of the bestselling Torn Asunder (100,000 in print), is a sought-after expert on issues of adultery. Here he helps you make your marriage adultery-proof by showing you:
How attractions can lead to affairs Ways you may be vulnerable to affairs The common ingredients of adultery How to restore intimacy to your marriage How to make wise, protective decisionsMarriage is too sacred to be taken casually. Affairs are a very real threat, and they can destroy lives and families. For this reason, Anatomy of an Affair should be on every church leader’s and marriage counselor’s required reading list, and in the home of every married couple.
Includes charts and assessments to understand and guard against affairs.
192 pages, Kindle Edition
First published April 1, 2008
158 people are currently reading
418 people want to read
About the author
Dave Carder
16 books6 followersDave Carder serves as pastor of counseling ministries at First Evangelical Free Church in Fullerton, California. His specialty is adultery recovery and prevention, for which he has appeared on The Oprah Winfrey Network, Discovery Health, and The Learning Channel; done training for the US Army and Navy; and made multiple tapings for The Tony Robbins Passion Project, Marriage Uncensored, 100 Huntley Street, Salvation Army Leadership Training, and the American Association of Christian Counselors. His interviews and articles have appeared in Ladies’ Home Journal, USA Today, The Counseling Connection, and various other magazines and journals. He is the author or coauthor of Torn Asunder: Recovering from an Extramarital Affair, Close Calls: What Adulterers Want You to Know About Protecting Your Marriage, and Unlocking Your Family Patterns: Finding Freedom from a Hurtful Past.
He holds the Michigan Limited License for Psychology and The California Marital and Family Therapy license and has graduate degrees in biblical literature and counseling psychology. Dave and his wife, Ronnie, have been married 49 years and have 4 children and 8 grandchildren.
He holds the Michigan Limited License for Psychology and The California Marital and Family Therapy license and has graduate degrees in biblical literature and counseling psychology. Dave and his wife, Ronnie, have been married 49 years and have 4 children and 8 grandchildren.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 45 reviews
September 7, 2017
To get a bit more personal than I'd like, my family has suffered from infidelity in the past. So when I saw Anatomy of an Affair I was interested to see what safeguards it could offer as advice to establish in my own marriage to prevent infidelity. Because of the past, going through this with my spouse is one of my biggest fears, and that isn't because I don't trust him. It's because I've seen first hand how little things add up over time and how people you would never expect can succumb. So if there's something I can do in my own marriage to safeguard against this I'm in.
One thing I noticed immediately is that this book isn't brand new. This is a revised and updated version of a book called Close Calls: What Adulterers Want You to Know About Protecting Your Marriage. While I couldn't tell you the updates or differences between these two books, one thing was obvious. "Close call" wasn't just a title. It was a theme throughout the book that the author/publisher chose to leave throughout the revised/renamed edition. Had I not known about the title change I likely wouldn't have thought much about it, but since I did I found this slightly annoying.
Perhaps the biggest thing I took away from this book combined with my own personal experience is that so many affairs begin with friendships ( or coworkers). Friendships that the unfaithful spouse thought they would be able to keep under control. While the author of the book won't go so far as to say that friendships with the opposite sex while married aren't a good idea (he indicates proper boundaries should suffice), I personally don't think that they are. Acquaintances and surface level friendships I have no problem with, but beyond that falls into inappropriate for me. I'm sure plenty of people disagree, but just reading the stories of the couples in this book as well as I've said, my own personal experience, reaffirms my thoughts on this subject.
Anatomy of an Affair was an easy read for me in that I made significant progress at one time. It wasn't an easy read in that it brought up old feelings and memories--painful ones. Not to mention that I found myself getting angry at the unfaithful spouses in the book for not being able to see the danger and damage that they were doing to the people they should love the most. Of course, the author points out that he never counseled a couple where the adulterer was not immensely sorrowful and regretful over their actions. However, if you're reading this book in the midst of these types of situation in your own marriage, I think there are some helpful topics of discussion and worksheets for you. But this is going to be contingent on both spouses participating in the "assignments". I'm not sure that this book would substitute for the needed marriage counselling.
Speaking of worksheets, the worksheets and charts used in this book weren't formatted well to show up on my kindle. Perhaps this is due to my uncorrected proof copy. Or perhaps these types of things just don't translate to a kindle edition. I'd suggest getting the hardcopy version of this book if you hope to make the most out of these tools.
I highlighted a ton--most of which reaffirmed my own thoughts and feelings about ways to prevent infidelity within your marriage. But one thing I realized while reading this book...It is my responsibility and the least I can do to make sure that I am giving my all to my husband. It is my responsibility to ensure that when I feel times of lows in myself and in our marriage (because they have and will come and go), that I work my tail off to get us out of them. It is my responsibility to ensure that I protect myself against falling into friendships that go beyond the appropriate so as to prevent an affair. It is my responsibility to do my best to ensure my husband's needs are met. It is NOT my responsibility to prevent my spouse from having an affair. Our relationship will only work in so much as we are both working to make it the best that it can be. And it does take work. And communication. Which is the second thing I noticed was missing from almost every couple in this book. Not being able to speak your needs to your spouse and/or your spouse not being able to hear your needs. (Or vice versa.)
There is much to take away from Anatomy of an Affair. The importance of maintaining proper boundaries in relationships outside of the marriage. The need for communication in both the speaking and listening categories for both spouses. And so much more. However, I'm not sure that Anatomy of an Affair substitutes for marriage counselling if you're in the midst of an affair or recently discovered affair of your spouse. Anatomy of an Affair gets 4 Stars. Have you read Anatomy of an Affair? What did you think? Let me know!
One thing I noticed immediately is that this book isn't brand new. This is a revised and updated version of a book called Close Calls: What Adulterers Want You to Know About Protecting Your Marriage. While I couldn't tell you the updates or differences between these two books, one thing was obvious. "Close call" wasn't just a title. It was a theme throughout the book that the author/publisher chose to leave throughout the revised/renamed edition. Had I not known about the title change I likely wouldn't have thought much about it, but since I did I found this slightly annoying.
Perhaps the biggest thing I took away from this book combined with my own personal experience is that so many affairs begin with friendships ( or coworkers). Friendships that the unfaithful spouse thought they would be able to keep under control. While the author of the book won't go so far as to say that friendships with the opposite sex while married aren't a good idea (he indicates proper boundaries should suffice), I personally don't think that they are. Acquaintances and surface level friendships I have no problem with, but beyond that falls into inappropriate for me. I'm sure plenty of people disagree, but just reading the stories of the couples in this book as well as I've said, my own personal experience, reaffirms my thoughts on this subject.
Anatomy of an Affair was an easy read for me in that I made significant progress at one time. It wasn't an easy read in that it brought up old feelings and memories--painful ones. Not to mention that I found myself getting angry at the unfaithful spouses in the book for not being able to see the danger and damage that they were doing to the people they should love the most. Of course, the author points out that he never counseled a couple where the adulterer was not immensely sorrowful and regretful over their actions. However, if you're reading this book in the midst of these types of situation in your own marriage, I think there are some helpful topics of discussion and worksheets for you. But this is going to be contingent on both spouses participating in the "assignments". I'm not sure that this book would substitute for the needed marriage counselling.
Speaking of worksheets, the worksheets and charts used in this book weren't formatted well to show up on my kindle. Perhaps this is due to my uncorrected proof copy. Or perhaps these types of things just don't translate to a kindle edition. I'd suggest getting the hardcopy version of this book if you hope to make the most out of these tools.
I highlighted a ton--most of which reaffirmed my own thoughts and feelings about ways to prevent infidelity within your marriage. But one thing I realized while reading this book...It is my responsibility and the least I can do to make sure that I am giving my all to my husband. It is my responsibility to ensure that when I feel times of lows in myself and in our marriage (because they have and will come and go), that I work my tail off to get us out of them. It is my responsibility to ensure that I protect myself against falling into friendships that go beyond the appropriate so as to prevent an affair. It is my responsibility to do my best to ensure my husband's needs are met. It is NOT my responsibility to prevent my spouse from having an affair. Our relationship will only work in so much as we are both working to make it the best that it can be. And it does take work. And communication. Which is the second thing I noticed was missing from almost every couple in this book. Not being able to speak your needs to your spouse and/or your spouse not being able to hear your needs. (Or vice versa.)
There is much to take away from Anatomy of an Affair. The importance of maintaining proper boundaries in relationships outside of the marriage. The need for communication in both the speaking and listening categories for both spouses. And so much more. However, I'm not sure that Anatomy of an Affair substitutes for marriage counselling if you're in the midst of an affair or recently discovered affair of your spouse. Anatomy of an Affair gets 4 Stars. Have you read Anatomy of an Affair? What did you think? Let me know!
January 7, 2026
This is a great resource that I’d highly recommend counselors and pastors have on hand! It includes helpful categories, as well as worksheets for couples that I think would be great for facilitating discussion.
November 24, 2014
This is a very helpful yet gut-wrenching book. There is a lot of information for married couples to be aware of and it's packed with real-life scenario's that help the reader step into the pain that an affair brings to the table. I think what this book lacks, however, and what it could have seriously benefited from is a simple reminder about what the purpose of marriage is. The book appears to be coming from a Christian perspective, and every once and a while a scripture reference is tossed in, but as far as I saw, not once is a Christian understanding of marriage articulated. I read this book the same time I was reading Tim Keller's "The Meaning of Marriage" and found that "Close Calls" simply meets a "consumeristic marriage" culture (as Keller puts it) where they are at, rather than reminding Christians that their marriage isn't consumeristic, but is actually "covenantal". Huge implications for how a person might find themselves reacting in a close call would be impacted greatly if their understanding of marriage was shifted from consumer to covenantal. This book is far from useless and I would recommend it to anyone either in pre-marital counseling or in a current marital struggle, but with the caveat of reading it in addition to Keller's "The Meaning of Marriage" or another book that focuses more on the purpose of marriage.
December 28, 2019
I had two friends recently recommend this book. It was different, but better, than I had anticipated.
Carder points out that we are living in a sex-saturated culture full of hurting people that are looking for love and belonging. He says every single person is either at risk for a close call/affair, or they are in denial.
I was expecting a book that would explain why people have affairs, but this is more of a practical breakdown, with the focus being on self reflection. At the end of each chapter, the author will summarize the thought, and asks “Could this be you?”.
Carder really breaks down personality tendencies, family background, seasons of life, and personal stresses as factors that can lead to “close calls” or affairs, both emotional and physical.
Practical advice. Easy read. Highly recommend.
Carder points out that we are living in a sex-saturated culture full of hurting people that are looking for love and belonging. He says every single person is either at risk for a close call/affair, or they are in denial.
I was expecting a book that would explain why people have affairs, but this is more of a practical breakdown, with the focus being on self reflection. At the end of each chapter, the author will summarize the thought, and asks “Could this be you?”.
Carder really breaks down personality tendencies, family background, seasons of life, and personal stresses as factors that can lead to “close calls” or affairs, both emotional and physical.
Practical advice. Easy read. Highly recommend.
June 8, 2023
Surprisingly insightful, practical, and encouraging. This book is not a simple explanatory text. He walks the reader through the inclinations and relational dynamics that can contribute to an affair with the aim of helping you recognize and avoid them. Very practical and helpful book.
September 17, 2019
Helpful though, I could have gone without the Christian theme.
December 5, 2023
Book for Counseling in the Church 1 at CTS
April 13, 2012
I saw a book review for this and thought the concept was very interesting. I know that no one is immune from having an affair--and the author provides an almost formulaic way to safeguard your marriage from both sexual and emotional affairs. I appreciate that the book is intended to be read with your spouse and to initiate uncomfortably vulnerable discussions that result in greater intimacy with each other. The chapters are filled with charts that force the reader to interact with the material on a personal level. I also like that the author shows how many different factors are at play to make a person more susceptible to having an affair (such as issues in your family of origin, emotional or mental problems, different marital climates, etc.)
However, I only give it 2 stars because it does not account for the very predictable patterns of sex addiction (though he uses that phrase here and there). I know too many couples who would receive damaging advice from this book because it lumps all affairs into the author's pattern of recovery. I know that all marriages have hope of healing from affairs--no matter the type. But just as misdiagnosing a disease will greatly hinder healing (at best) and cause irreparable damage (at worse), so will "misdiagnosing" a pattern of affairs.
I cannot give my opinion strongly enough in this area: when it comes to affairs, see a professional counselor who is both highly trained and experienced with the patterns of sexual addiction. A therapist like this will be able to discern if it is a problem of addiction or not, and how to proceed in healing. And if you are a Christian (as this book is most likely marketed to), a skilled Christian counselor will also know how to apply the truth of Scripture (primarily, His incredible power to repair and redeeem the most hopeless situations!)with current social science. Based on the individual situation, your therapist will know what books or resources to recommend.
However, I only give it 2 stars because it does not account for the very predictable patterns of sex addiction (though he uses that phrase here and there). I know too many couples who would receive damaging advice from this book because it lumps all affairs into the author's pattern of recovery. I know that all marriages have hope of healing from affairs--no matter the type. But just as misdiagnosing a disease will greatly hinder healing (at best) and cause irreparable damage (at worse), so will "misdiagnosing" a pattern of affairs.
I cannot give my opinion strongly enough in this area: when it comes to affairs, see a professional counselor who is both highly trained and experienced with the patterns of sexual addiction. A therapist like this will be able to discern if it is a problem of addiction or not, and how to proceed in healing. And if you are a Christian (as this book is most likely marketed to), a skilled Christian counselor will also know how to apply the truth of Scripture (primarily, His incredible power to repair and redeeem the most hopeless situations!)with current social science. Based on the individual situation, your therapist will know what books or resources to recommend.
August 14, 2019
This book provides an excellent analysis of the factors that contribute to affairs and strategies for strengthening marriages. I like how he distinguished a close call from an affair. Very useful information. Thinking of buying to share with others.
October 7, 2017
I think this book could be extremely helpful to those people who are concerned about a possible affair. It actually should be mandatory reading for all couples. This book opened my eyes to areas of weakness for me that I never really saw before. I never knew I had a “trigger” type that could make me fall but after reading this I see it now.
It really can be such a slow fade, people might not even know they are walking a fine line. I am really good at spotting it in other people, funny that I missed those clue in my own marriage. But honestly, if people read this book I think it could keep them from going places they shouldn’t. I highly recommend this one. Read it before it’s too late.
A copy of this book was given to me through Netgalley.com. All opinions are my own.
It really can be such a slow fade, people might not even know they are walking a fine line. I am really good at spotting it in other people, funny that I missed those clue in my own marriage. But honestly, if people read this book I think it could keep them from going places they shouldn’t. I highly recommend this one. Read it before it’s too late.
A copy of this book was given to me through Netgalley.com. All opinions are my own.
July 20, 2023
Insightful quick read. Useful as I try to understand more. Lots of guidance and exercises for a couple trying to heal after an affair.
March 2, 2024
Even as a child I’ve preferred to learn the “easy way” by watching and observing the mistakes of others. I’m probably more proactive than I should be at avoiding danger/harm and that’s where this book comes in. I had heard a podcast from focus on the family with the alluring title “Affair proofing your marriage” with this book as the source.
If you believe opposite sex friendships in marriage can be safe and healthy- I’d recommend this read for some insight there.
If you struggle with setting boundaries with the opposite sex or wonder what type of boundaries should be set- this book will spark a litany of ideas and warnings.
There’s also some great questions and worksheets for couples to do together to assess marital satisfaction and the ways your family or origin shape and impact your marriage today. Those are great overall. That’s all the value in this book.
Some serious qualms:
1. Though this is supposedly written to a Christian audience the whole premise and view of marriage in this book is warped. One reviewer aptly named it a consumerist view rather than a covenantal view. When we come to marriage with a motive to have our needs met, desires satisfied and excitement sparked and renewed- we will be disappointed hurt and vulnerable. Marriage was never designed to be a self serving endeavor. The spouses who committed adultery clearly viewed their marriages in this consumerist manner. This book should have laid the foundation of the purpose and design for marriage first and foremost.
2. The robust firsthand accounts of affair starts off providing perspective but by the middle of the book I can see how they risk provoking paranoia based on the fact it happens to so many people seemingly unexpectedly and unintentionally. Yet the same wrong view of marriage/self and poor boundaries were the perpetrators every time. Bottom line: no one is exempt from temptation and failure. If you believe you and your spouse are immune- you’re fooling yourself; set and keep good boundaries regardless.
3. Adding affair components to your marriage (?!?!)
That’s the section title. Basically to protect your marriage from affair you should take the exciting components of affairs and put them into your marriage. Poor perspective, poor wording and this creates unhealthy and unattainable patterns that perpetuate a consumerist view and nurture risk factors. I’ve seen this principle taught in porn addiction recovery circles encouraging women to act out the fantasies of husbands in order to satisfy them. Spoiler alert: it doesn’t work. It’s misguided at best and completely damning at worst. The problem is the foundational perspective of the heart not the behaviors. If your spouse is struggling with boundaries/close calls or affairs, addressing their view of themselves, marriage and the Gospel is critical and foundational. This whole section would have been better titled “pursuing your spouse to protect your marriage” because the points of: sexual spontaneity, childhood magic/shared fun, going out of your way to spend time together are all valid and good things; not only because they make affairs “exciting” but because they give life to good and healthy marriages.
4. Everything is a risk factor. I had to roll my eyes at one point.
Personal risk factors such as childhood abuse/neglect/addiction? Fair risk factor. A certain type of person (or avatar) that is physically attractive, shares interests, values, and experiences? Fair risk factor. Marital dissatisfaction/breech of trust/etc? Fair risk factor. But then he goes on to explain how couples with clear expectations, who don’t fight and have a peaceful but predictable life are also a risk factor. Growing old is a risk factor. Changing jobs, having babies, moving homes, promotions and demotions, illness, financial hardship or abundance—— LIFE just basically all of life is a risk factor. See point 2 for my perspective here. His examples go beyond educational to borderline obsessiveness- the bottom line again: NO ONE IS IMMUNE. Set good boundaries, pursue one another and learn to communicate vulnerably, often and robustly (especially learning how to handle sensitive subjects and conflict) you can learn the basics of this book without the fluff from this blog article instead https://www.marriage.com/advice/infid...
Bottom line: I wouldn’t recommend this book to anyone unless I believed them to be naive to the progressive nature of any and all relationships, or didn’t know where to start with setting boundaries with the opposite sex. Some people really do need that insight, there’s nothing wrong with that, but Premarital counseling, and marriage counseling could (should) replace this book. For anyone else looking to be more proactive- your time would be better spent on a number of Christian marriage books (Martha Peace, Juli Slattery, Tripp, Sproul have great books as well as Sacred marriage by Gary Thomas and Strengthening your marriage by Wayne A. Mack) continuing to learn and pursue your spouse. ♥️
If you believe opposite sex friendships in marriage can be safe and healthy- I’d recommend this read for some insight there.
If you struggle with setting boundaries with the opposite sex or wonder what type of boundaries should be set- this book will spark a litany of ideas and warnings.
There’s also some great questions and worksheets for couples to do together to assess marital satisfaction and the ways your family or origin shape and impact your marriage today. Those are great overall. That’s all the value in this book.
Some serious qualms:
1. Though this is supposedly written to a Christian audience the whole premise and view of marriage in this book is warped. One reviewer aptly named it a consumerist view rather than a covenantal view. When we come to marriage with a motive to have our needs met, desires satisfied and excitement sparked and renewed- we will be disappointed hurt and vulnerable. Marriage was never designed to be a self serving endeavor. The spouses who committed adultery clearly viewed their marriages in this consumerist manner. This book should have laid the foundation of the purpose and design for marriage first and foremost.
2. The robust firsthand accounts of affair starts off providing perspective but by the middle of the book I can see how they risk provoking paranoia based on the fact it happens to so many people seemingly unexpectedly and unintentionally. Yet the same wrong view of marriage/self and poor boundaries were the perpetrators every time. Bottom line: no one is exempt from temptation and failure. If you believe you and your spouse are immune- you’re fooling yourself; set and keep good boundaries regardless.
3. Adding affair components to your marriage (?!?!)
That’s the section title. Basically to protect your marriage from affair you should take the exciting components of affairs and put them into your marriage. Poor perspective, poor wording and this creates unhealthy and unattainable patterns that perpetuate a consumerist view and nurture risk factors. I’ve seen this principle taught in porn addiction recovery circles encouraging women to act out the fantasies of husbands in order to satisfy them. Spoiler alert: it doesn’t work. It’s misguided at best and completely damning at worst. The problem is the foundational perspective of the heart not the behaviors. If your spouse is struggling with boundaries/close calls or affairs, addressing their view of themselves, marriage and the Gospel is critical and foundational. This whole section would have been better titled “pursuing your spouse to protect your marriage” because the points of: sexual spontaneity, childhood magic/shared fun, going out of your way to spend time together are all valid and good things; not only because they make affairs “exciting” but because they give life to good and healthy marriages.
4. Everything is a risk factor. I had to roll my eyes at one point.
Personal risk factors such as childhood abuse/neglect/addiction? Fair risk factor. A certain type of person (or avatar) that is physically attractive, shares interests, values, and experiences? Fair risk factor. Marital dissatisfaction/breech of trust/etc? Fair risk factor. But then he goes on to explain how couples with clear expectations, who don’t fight and have a peaceful but predictable life are also a risk factor. Growing old is a risk factor. Changing jobs, having babies, moving homes, promotions and demotions, illness, financial hardship or abundance—— LIFE just basically all of life is a risk factor. See point 2 for my perspective here. His examples go beyond educational to borderline obsessiveness- the bottom line again: NO ONE IS IMMUNE. Set good boundaries, pursue one another and learn to communicate vulnerably, often and robustly (especially learning how to handle sensitive subjects and conflict) you can learn the basics of this book without the fluff from this blog article instead https://www.marriage.com/advice/infid...
Bottom line: I wouldn’t recommend this book to anyone unless I believed them to be naive to the progressive nature of any and all relationships, or didn’t know where to start with setting boundaries with the opposite sex. Some people really do need that insight, there’s nothing wrong with that, but Premarital counseling, and marriage counseling could (should) replace this book. For anyone else looking to be more proactive- your time would be better spent on a number of Christian marriage books (Martha Peace, Juli Slattery, Tripp, Sproul have great books as well as Sacred marriage by Gary Thomas and Strengthening your marriage by Wayne A. Mack) continuing to learn and pursue your spouse. ♥️
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
June 23, 2020
Highly recommend
A must read for any couple no matter where they are in their relationship. It contains helpful guidance on how to avoid infidelity while helping those who have suffered the pain of an affair understand the factors that lead to it.
No matter where you are in the relationship spectrum be prepared to engage in a lot of self reflection. While you need to consider your partner when reading, keep in mind that you cannot force change on another. Read this with a focus on what you can do to improve yourself. Not only will you learn warning signs and ways to protect your relationship, but also insights in to how to move forward if an affair occurs.
I have read through this book twice now, when I first had suspicions and again when they were confirmed. I credit the wisdom of what I learned in this book with my ability to handle the betrayal of marriage in a godly manner.
For those who have suffered the infidelity of a mate, a simple warning, this may be the most painful book you will ever read. You may very well feel as if it was written with your life in mind. It is extremely helpful in understanding how the affair happened and where you go from here. If you find yourself in this situation I pray Gods blessings upon you as you work through the hurt and move towards healing.
A must read for any couple no matter where they are in their relationship. It contains helpful guidance on how to avoid infidelity while helping those who have suffered the pain of an affair understand the factors that lead to it.
No matter where you are in the relationship spectrum be prepared to engage in a lot of self reflection. While you need to consider your partner when reading, keep in mind that you cannot force change on another. Read this with a focus on what you can do to improve yourself. Not only will you learn warning signs and ways to protect your relationship, but also insights in to how to move forward if an affair occurs.
I have read through this book twice now, when I first had suspicions and again when they were confirmed. I credit the wisdom of what I learned in this book with my ability to handle the betrayal of marriage in a godly manner.
For those who have suffered the infidelity of a mate, a simple warning, this may be the most painful book you will ever read. You may very well feel as if it was written with your life in mind. It is extremely helpful in understanding how the affair happened and where you go from here. If you find yourself in this situation I pray Gods blessings upon you as you work through the hurt and move towards healing.
June 27, 2017
This is a revised edition of Close Calls: What Adulterers Want You to Know About Protecting Your Marriage by Dave Carder (©2008). I found this book to be full of useful information and practical advice. The author helps you identify warning signs and triggers and close calls in your marriage and personal life. He gives you the tools to help you be more alert to potential marital disaster and help strengthen your marriage.
Complacency and comfortability can lead down the slippery slope of moral ineptitude. You should always be aware of the strength of your marital relationship. Communication is the key. Most of the people that have provided personal stories for this book never intended or even imagined that they would end up in the mess they did. This book helps you identify weak spots and provides the rools and resources to repair and recover your marital relationship. The appendix provides a large list of websites and books for further information.
I would recommend this book to all couples as a means to safeguard your marriage. I believe it would also be beneficial to pastors that provide marriage counseling. I received this as a free ARC from Moody Publishers on NetGalley in exchange for an honest review.
Complacency and comfortability can lead down the slippery slope of moral ineptitude. You should always be aware of the strength of your marital relationship. Communication is the key. Most of the people that have provided personal stories for this book never intended or even imagined that they would end up in the mess they did. This book helps you identify weak spots and provides the rools and resources to repair and recover your marital relationship. The appendix provides a large list of websites and books for further information.
I would recommend this book to all couples as a means to safeguard your marriage. I believe it would also be beneficial to pastors that provide marriage counseling. I received this as a free ARC from Moody Publishers on NetGalley in exchange for an honest review.
January 28, 2020
Anatomy of an Affair is an intense, thoughtful and eye-opening read. I have been with my partner nearly a decade and this book succeeded in teaching us a lot about each other, our thoughts and our feelings. Specifically, page 129-131 has a list of roles, values, responsibilities, etc. that provided an extraordinary aid in breaking down our marriage/household tasks. It facilitated a great conversation that then led into discussing several other topics within.
Author, Dave Carder, does a thorough job of explaining “close calls” in a relationship, what to be careful of and how to keep the spark of joy and excitement alive in marriage. One suggestion, aided by this book, is to recreate 8 great moments from “dating,” by taking time for ourselves we remember what brought us together in the first place.
*Disclaimer: A review copy was provided by the publisher. All opinions are my own.
Author, Dave Carder, does a thorough job of explaining “close calls” in a relationship, what to be careful of and how to keep the spark of joy and excitement alive in marriage. One suggestion, aided by this book, is to recreate 8 great moments from “dating,” by taking time for ourselves we remember what brought us together in the first place.
*Disclaimer: A review copy was provided by the publisher. All opinions are my own.
June 24, 2024
Dave Carder's "Anatomy of an Affair" is a straightforward guide that dives into how affairs start and how to protect your marriage from them. As an experienced counselor, Carder explains the reasons behind attractions and addictions, giving couples practical tools to keep their relationship strong. The book’s real-life stories make the advice feel personal and actionable. I especially found Carder’s tips on communication and emotional intimacy valuable—they’re easy steps any couple can use to stay connected. While the book is aimed at couples dealing with or worried about infidelity, pastors could also find it useful for counseling tips, though they might want something more in-depth for professional use (or even just recommending a couple seeing a professional counselor). Overall, "Anatomy of an Affair" is a solid resource for anyone wanting to understand and prevent infidelity.
January 1, 2019
This book was written by someone who is specialized in counseling people in marriages that are walking through sexual temptation and infidelity. The material is hard because alot of the people he's worked with didn't have their happy endings. This book, as the cover suggests, is a warning. It teaches you how to detect those ***danger ahead*** signs, how discover your specific and unique vulnerabilities from childhood relationships, coping mechanisms, marriage tension, and seasonal difficulties. It's very interactive and is most effective done in conjunction with your spouse if they choose to work through this with you. This information has helped me be aware and on guard while being sensitive to those same things in my husband now that weve shared these stories together. And that my friend, is priceless!
January 3, 2021
I think this book is worth anyone’s time simply for the humbling reminder (also the author’s thesis) that no one is immune to moral failure & also that temptation & sin are very cunning & seem justifiable at first. I also appreciate that it’s grounded in a Christian worldview without cutting & pasting out-of-context Bible verses everywhere (personal soapbox.) For those that are married, it has some practical advice & good discussion exercises that would be helpful.
December 13, 2012
Close Calls: What Adulterers Want You to Know About Protecting Your Marriage by David Carder is a fantastic book about what affairs someone might be prone towards, what is a danger marriage, and what is a healthy marriage. There are ten chapters, each very focused on a small piece of the big picture. Knowing which chapter is about what will enable one to return to the book later with maximum effectiveness. Ideally, all the exercises should be completed with one’s spouse.
Chapter 1 contains the Dangerous Partner Profile. The person to whom one might be attracted and have an affair is often inaccessible without careful study. Typically, “you didn’t marry someone like your dangerous partner profile ... because you knew intuitively that such a person would not be good for you in the long run.” All the deficits one perceives in one’s marriage will compile to make this (hopefully just) imaginary person, yet they can still be very illogical. Missed stages of development often “need” to be revisited. A crucial insight is that your “relationship is only as old as it is nonsexual.” Important people from our past play a big role, as do hobbies.
Marriages have emotional components and activity components, which can be healthy or unhealthy. There are special treatments which people in love give each other, but can fall out of a marriage. They are: accommodate, admire, adore, affirm and show affection. The lack of these in the marriage, and their presence in a dangerous partner can lead to a close call.
Chapter 2 is about the Risky Factors. Infidelity runs down family trees like sap. Single Parent or Blended Families are also risky, as it abuse. Negative historical influences are molestation, adolescent promiscuity, and learning disabilities. There are two excellent excurses in this chapter on men’s use of sex as self-medicating behavior and the special difficulties faced by “needy” people.
Chapter 3 speaks about there being high risks seasons of life: times of loss, major life transitions, and pregnancy. Some seasons are very much under our control, such as opposite-sex friendships, “work spouses”, volunteer partners, and “soloing” in public places. This last item refers to “signals” people who are looking for an affair send out and which others pick up. The chapter has a helpful chart to fill out, covering chapters 2 and 3.
Chapter 4 is titled “Risky Marriage” and has an excellent chart for plotting the health of one’s marriage, chronicling important seasons, such as: college, births, deaths, jobs, vacations, moves, accidents, financial issues, counseling and living arrangements. There are several good exercises for couples to do together with their charts.
What are the components of an affair that a marriage ought to have? Carder says: childhood magic, adolescent sexuality and adult mobility. These are elements normally associated with infatuation that can be kept alive periodically in a marriage, without descending into codependence.
Chapter 5 is about the anatomy of a close call. The phases are: growing mutual attraction, entanglement, destabilizing the relationship, and
termination/resolution. There are one-night stands, entangled affairs, sexual addiction, and add-on affairs.
Chapter 6 is about assessing one’s marriage style. The three most dangerous marriages are the ones always fighting, never fighting, and always living for their kids. Carder calls these “Windshield Wipers”, “Dial Tones”, and “Empty Nests”. There are helpful charts/worksheets for each. Anger, Power and Control are areas we likely learned without thinking from our family of origin, but play a crucial role in the status of our marriages.
The “marital dance” or patterns of daily interaction are described in Chapter 7. We ought to be able to identify our marital focal point, dance, contributions, opposites, behaviors, and influences. Some topics are off-limits, something cause them to “dance” away from each other, there are pre-fabricated roles, accepted opposites, means of avoiding intimacy, and inherited difficulties from parents. Again, there are helpful worksheets all round.
Chapter 8 has an extended focus on forgiveness. The “inability to let go, forgive, and to work through old hurts and wounds in the marriage” can be like cancer to the bones, destroying a marriage and spawning affairs. The exercises here for couples to do together sound excruciating but amazing. Carder suggest respect (with a worksheet) and trust (made up of structure, safety, nonsexual touch, and speech tone/content) are key. Broken trust can be rebuilt by having: no surprises, informing prior to the fact, keeping your word, and not keeping secrets. The 12-step program acronym HALT(B) stands for Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired (Bored).
Chapter 9 is about reigniting infatuation (with a table of “8 Greats”, Rituals, Sexual History, and Non-sexual touch exercises). Chapter 10 is an overview and summary. It includes do’s and don’t, dangerous friendship checklists , and a close calls contract.
I was surprised to see negative reviews for this book on Goodreads dot com. I think the book was not Scripture laden enough for some and too preachy for others. This is a good caution against giving this book to couples with first revealing expectations. I did, nevertheless, very much enjoy it and am glad to have read it.
Chapter 1 contains the Dangerous Partner Profile. The person to whom one might be attracted and have an affair is often inaccessible without careful study. Typically, “you didn’t marry someone like your dangerous partner profile ... because you knew intuitively that such a person would not be good for you in the long run.” All the deficits one perceives in one’s marriage will compile to make this (hopefully just) imaginary person, yet they can still be very illogical. Missed stages of development often “need” to be revisited. A crucial insight is that your “relationship is only as old as it is nonsexual.” Important people from our past play a big role, as do hobbies.
Marriages have emotional components and activity components, which can be healthy or unhealthy. There are special treatments which people in love give each other, but can fall out of a marriage. They are: accommodate, admire, adore, affirm and show affection. The lack of these in the marriage, and their presence in a dangerous partner can lead to a close call.
Chapter 2 is about the Risky Factors. Infidelity runs down family trees like sap. Single Parent or Blended Families are also risky, as it abuse. Negative historical influences are molestation, adolescent promiscuity, and learning disabilities. There are two excellent excurses in this chapter on men’s use of sex as self-medicating behavior and the special difficulties faced by “needy” people.
Chapter 3 speaks about there being high risks seasons of life: times of loss, major life transitions, and pregnancy. Some seasons are very much under our control, such as opposite-sex friendships, “work spouses”, volunteer partners, and “soloing” in public places. This last item refers to “signals” people who are looking for an affair send out and which others pick up. The chapter has a helpful chart to fill out, covering chapters 2 and 3.
Chapter 4 is titled “Risky Marriage” and has an excellent chart for plotting the health of one’s marriage, chronicling important seasons, such as: college, births, deaths, jobs, vacations, moves, accidents, financial issues, counseling and living arrangements. There are several good exercises for couples to do together with their charts.
What are the components of an affair that a marriage ought to have? Carder says: childhood magic, adolescent sexuality and adult mobility. These are elements normally associated with infatuation that can be kept alive periodically in a marriage, without descending into codependence.
Chapter 5 is about the anatomy of a close call. The phases are: growing mutual attraction, entanglement, destabilizing the relationship, and
termination/resolution. There are one-night stands, entangled affairs, sexual addiction, and add-on affairs.
Chapter 6 is about assessing one’s marriage style. The three most dangerous marriages are the ones always fighting, never fighting, and always living for their kids. Carder calls these “Windshield Wipers”, “Dial Tones”, and “Empty Nests”. There are helpful charts/worksheets for each. Anger, Power and Control are areas we likely learned without thinking from our family of origin, but play a crucial role in the status of our marriages.
The “marital dance” or patterns of daily interaction are described in Chapter 7. We ought to be able to identify our marital focal point, dance, contributions, opposites, behaviors, and influences. Some topics are off-limits, something cause them to “dance” away from each other, there are pre-fabricated roles, accepted opposites, means of avoiding intimacy, and inherited difficulties from parents. Again, there are helpful worksheets all round.
Chapter 8 has an extended focus on forgiveness. The “inability to let go, forgive, and to work through old hurts and wounds in the marriage” can be like cancer to the bones, destroying a marriage and spawning affairs. The exercises here for couples to do together sound excruciating but amazing. Carder suggest respect (with a worksheet) and trust (made up of structure, safety, nonsexual touch, and speech tone/content) are key. Broken trust can be rebuilt by having: no surprises, informing prior to the fact, keeping your word, and not keeping secrets. The 12-step program acronym HALT(B) stands for Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired (Bored).
Chapter 9 is about reigniting infatuation (with a table of “8 Greats”, Rituals, Sexual History, and Non-sexual touch exercises). Chapter 10 is an overview and summary. It includes do’s and don’t, dangerous friendship checklists , and a close calls contract.
I was surprised to see negative reviews for this book on Goodreads dot com. I think the book was not Scripture laden enough for some and too preachy for others. This is a good caution against giving this book to couples with first revealing expectations. I did, nevertheless, very much enjoy it and am glad to have read it.
November 5, 2018
Must Read
This book is a great choice for anyone who is married or in a long term relationship. It is as much about "close call" relationships as actually affairs. As you read through the situations you can see how something that starts innocently enough can go too far really quickly.
This book is a great choice for anyone who is married or in a long term relationship. It is as much about "close call" relationships as actually affairs. As you read through the situations you can see how something that starts innocently enough can go too far really quickly.
October 17, 2021
A matter long assumed that all cheating is the same. This book helps me understand how to be on the lookout. How to beat the enemy when he comes. How to lean on the voice of Wisdom from Proverbs applied in this book.
"A prudent man sees trouble and hides himself but a fool goes on and suffers harm."
"A prudent man sees trouble and hides himself but a fool goes on and suffers harm."
March 24, 2022
A good book about marital relationships, that talks about what it says in the title: guard a marriage against affairs and attractions. It does a good job at describing how they begin, and what can be done to counter those.
In general, is a good read to bring traumas to light and be in excruciating pain. But, I mean, that is what one signs up for when reading stuff like this.
In general, is a good read to bring traumas to light and be in excruciating pain. But, I mean, that is what one signs up for when reading stuff like this.
October 24, 2023
A must read for all who are married. A great reminder that those who think that affair is impossible in their marriage are the ones who will most likely to experience or commit it. Finished the book in two days. A little technical and repetitive in some parts but overall still a very insightful and helpful read.
February 23, 2025
Very good from a practical and psychological standpoint. Carder discusses various factors, whether family of origin deficits or current friendships, that tend towards affairs. However, the book is almost entirely lacking in reference to Christianity and applying the Gospel of grace to such situations, though Carder himself is a Christian.
July 3, 2019
Sometimes postpartum looks like assuming the worst about the people around you, and you find yourself thinking you need to read this book.
It was informative and I do think many people will find it helpful. It dredged on quite a bit and took a while to get to the point.
It was informative and I do think many people will find it helpful. It dredged on quite a bit and took a while to get to the point.
January 18, 2021
There are five special treatments, readily apparent when you are infatuated with each other. Many couples have stopped practicing them even though this is what they used to do best: accommodate, admire, adore, affirm, and show affection for each other.
Don't get me wrong, the book is good. It's just that there are some parts of the book that seems repetitive and cookie cutter marriage advice. The practical exercises are good, but you need to have your spouse FULLY want to do them otherwise you might be opening up a new can of hurt.
Don't get me wrong, the book is good. It's just that there are some parts of the book that seems repetitive and cookie cutter marriage advice. The practical exercises are good, but you need to have your spouse FULLY want to do them otherwise you might be opening up a new can of hurt.
January 22, 2022
Amazing book. I was encouraged by a friend to check this out. While I haven’t had an affair or ever see myself having one, this book challenges you to be aware of not being above any sin and to constantly pursue your marriage. Would definitely recommend to any married couple!
December 16, 2024
A friend of mine was recently looking at my books, and grabbed this one off the shelf. I can't think of a book that I would have wanted him to randomly come across less than this one, primarily because of its title.
March 10, 2025
I was recommended the book by a friend. It was intriguing, and different than I was expecting. I found it helpful, and there were some solid items to think through. My wife and I are reading it together now.
April 7, 2025
A quick read with useful insights on how attractions happen, and how certain life events can increase the chances affairs may happen. There is also a useful discussion of married people who have close friendships with the opposite sex.
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