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367 pages, ebook
First published May 29, 2017
I slid my hands up the sides of his neck and cupped his jaw, holding him still as I took a turn at his lips. Not the way he’d kissed me, all rude and obnoxious and hormone heavy— I kissed him slowly, waiting for the world to end, giving lightning plenty of time to strike me, the floor every chance to open up under me, the whole time lying to myself that this was how I always kissed. That it always felt this good. That I always kissed so long and hard I actually ran out of air.

“You know I used to have a massive crush on you, right?” he asked me.
“I’m starting to put two and two together, yeah.”
“But you didn’t know then?”
“No. Sorry. Didn’t notice, what with you constantly acting like an asshole.”
“Yeah, well. I flirt a little better now.”
“You really don’t.” “Maybe you just like assholes better than you used to.”
“No, you won’t. You want me to stay. You want to keep me.”
“If you think repeating yourself is gonna hypnotize me, I promise you it won’t. You can’t stay. I don’t want to keep you. I don’t even know what that means.”
Except I did. Some bizarre part of me wanted to keep him around like a stray puppy, hold him in my lap and pet him. Just let him move in and call it a day. Some part of me was actually pretty sure that had already happened. I was clearly losing my goddamn mind.
“You still sore from last night?” I asked him. He didn’t look sore, but I didn’t know shit about it.
“No.”
“Not at all?”
“I think I’d know.”
“So that was bullshit earlier. In the kitchen. When you wouldn’t sit down.”
“I… yeah. I was lying.”
“Any particular reason?”
“Yeah. I wanted you to be thinking about my ass.”
I choked back a laugh. “Tomorrow you’ll be sore,” I promised him. “You’ll feel me all over you. And you’ll behave for a change. Won’t you? You’ll start doing what I tell you.”
“Anything’s a drinking game if you have drinks. We can take out the dare part, because that’s too obvious. So, it just goes like this. I ask you a question, and if you answer it, you get to drink.” He pointed to himself. “And same deal.”
“How is that a game? It’s just a conversation with drinks.”
“Well, you have to tell the truth. How often do you have a conversation and only tell the truth?”
“Always.”
“Oh yeah? So, do you want to fuck me again? Tell the truth.”
“I don’t like this game.”
“Please, Lan. Please.” His voice shook so much that every letter of every word seemed to stutter and sizzle. As bossy as he was, he was shockingly good at begging.
“Please what?”
“Everything. I want everything.”

He grinned when he saw me coming, but I knew he didn’t expect me to slide my hand around the back of his neck and yank him up close to me, kiss him hard and rock star nasty, while the whole place watched. Seemed like the easiest way to let everyone know he was mine.

“Because I never want to have another day when I feel like I felt that morning when I thought you were gone. I never want you to walk away because I can’t get over myself. Because you’re the only thing I can’t live without. And I love you.”

“Good. I’m glad. Now, would you say you love me, please? And that you’ll stay?”
He laughed and leaned up to kiss me again. “Of course I love you. And I was never going anywhere. You’re an idiot if you thought that.”
I shook my head. “I never would have let you leave.”
He closed his eyes against a soft smirk, and really, that was better than yelling, better than teasing, it meant he thought I was so ridiculous he couldn’t help but love me. And that was my favorite thing of all.

“The rush of it, of what he was giving me; his pride, his shame, his need, all of him, it was heady. Some connection that let me own him for a minute even though I couldn’t. Let me understand him for a minute even though I didn’t. I was able to give him something he couldn’t get from just anyone, and he was giving me the same.”
My insides seemed crushed in some way that felt almost good. There was something he needed from me. And it made me feel useful, feel special, feel like something other than just another human shaped nobody to fill one of a billion human shaped holes.
It was way too easy to believe that because it felt right, it was right. That was bullshit. A lie people told themselves to keep from feeling guilty when they did stupid, terrible things.
I had no need for attachment. I didn't play long games at anything. Yet, here I was...Him dismantling me piece by piece until I'd actually started just handing parts of me over.
Him making me want to believe that all broken things could be fixed. And that maybe I wasn't quite as broken as I'd always thought I was.