After

by Nikki Gemmell

Australia's bravest and most honest writer explores the devastating aftermath of her elderly mother's decision to end her own life. Nikki Gemmell's world changed forever in October 2015 when the body of her elderly mother was found and it became clear she had decided to end her own life. After the immediate shock and devastation came the guilt and the horror, for Nikki, her family, relatives and friends. No note was left, so the questions that Elayn's death raised were endless. Was the decision an act of independence or the very opposite? Was it a desperate act driven by hopelessness and anger, or was her euthanasia a reasoned act of empowerment? After is the story of Elayn Gemmell - and the often difficult, prickly relationship between mothers and daughters, and how that changes over time. As anguished as it truthful, as powerful as it is profound, After is about life, death, elderly parents, mothers and daughters, hurt and healing, and about how little, sometimes, we know the ones we love the most.A deeply intimate, fiercely beautiful, blazingly bold and important book. 'A bold work of nonfiction ... a work that will raise questions and start conversations' Bookseller + Publisher 'Eloquent and shatteringly honest ... Although Gemmell's pain is raw, her prose is polished ... [and] rich with metaphor, symbolism and imagery. The impact is cumulative and powerfully affecting, at times almost overwhelming. Gemmell's message is universal, heartfelt and clear: fix rifts before it is too late, before relationships are shattered like fragile vessels. Find forgiveness and compassion. Mend what is broken with any available glue. Understand the isolating effects of infirmity and talk about pain management. Love unconditionally before it is too late.' Sydney Morning Herald ?'Compassion, humanity and love shines through every page' Caroline Overington

Genres: Nonfiction, Memoir, Biography, Audiobook, Mental Health, Australia, Biography Memoir

304 pages, Kindle Edition

Published March 27, 2017

About the author

Nikki Gemmell has written four novels, Shiver, Cleave, Lovesong, The Bride Stripped Bare and The Book Of Rapture, and one non-fiction book, Pleasure: An Almanac for the Heart. Her work has been internationally critically acclaimed and translated into many languages.

In France she's been described as a female Jack Kerouac, in Australia as one of the most original and engaging authors of her generation and in the US as one of the few truly original voices to emerge in a long time.

The French literary review "Lire" has included her in a list of what it calls the fifty most important writers in the world - the ones it believes will have a significant influence on the literature of the 21st century. The criteria for selection included a very individual voice and unmistakeable style, as well as an original choice of subject. Nikki Gemmell was selected along with such novelists as Rick Moody, Zadie Smith, Jonathan Safran Froer, Rohinton Mistry, Tim Winton, Colum McCann, Michel Faber and Hari Kunzru among others.

Born in Wollongong, Australia, she now lives in London.

Reviews

[Suz · Rating 4 out of 5]

A little like the author, I had not considered the issue of voluntary euthanasia. Nikki had her life upended when her mother ended her life. The author has a way with words, such a smart woman, and in this book the words are presented sometimes in small pieces, broken up in such a way that sometimes a handful of words are remarkably intense; sparse. Powerful. Her use of language and imagery is extraordinary. Her mother ran to the beat of her own drum. Oppressed after decades in domesticity, born Elaine and changing it to the racier Elayn, she was not destined to be one of her own generation. She’d have been more at home in her daughter’s times, able to work and be less encumbered.

Nikki Gemmell lost her mother to suicide. This book covers the journey of mother and daughter that was extremely fractured, and the author takes us from early childhood to the end of her mother’s life. We see how this changes not only the author’s life, her siblings, but that of Nikki’s own immediate family, and the way they coped with the aftermath. I met her at an event and when I look back on the timing, she would have only lost her mum months prior. She was lovely and quirky, but it goes to show, life goes on. Goodness this lady can tell a story.

The thread which is quite literal in parts of this story is the re-joining of handmade glass lanterns that smashed after her mother’s death. She goes into detail about how these can be repaired, and I note that she has worked hard on forgiveness, empathy and the trying to work out things, backwards, from death. This is the Japanese art of kintsugi where broken pottery becomes repaired with fine lines of gold adhesive. This creates a metaphor of her fractured upbringing and hopeful repair of her soul in recovery. Nikki Gemmell has an amazing gift.

I have many quotes which I will include, but the tragedy here, to me, is a mother treating her daughter with such disdain (put downs and terrible words to a young and innocent girl and woman), allowing her insecurities and I supposed undiagnosed personality disorders to treat her daughter with aloofness and disconnect. The opposite to this tragedy is the smart and courageous daughter who gets through this and puts the lessons learned from this into an amazing mother child relationship in the next generation. There is much to talk about here regarding end-of-life laws, organisations etcetera, but I will focus on Nikki and her relationships, and what she learned. I was smiling as I read the music played at the funeral service was by Gurrumul, I love him, and of course, the majority of Elayn’s friends did not know who this was.

The embracing of individual choice is the mark of a mature nation.

Elyan never felt old, in the way women a generation or two ago were little old ladies from their fifties onwards, faded into invisibility by the years.

I’d always mute myself with apology. Didn’t have it in me to attack with that most wounding weapon of all, silence. With her final act Elayn had destroyed me. I fought for so long to not have her get to me. She has triumphed. I have lost. I am blindsided. By love.

My Snoopy diary, aged fourteen, records Elayn saying that no one would care if I died, that I was a slut, a slob.

That she had her dash with her own children, that she had wanted to live her own life now, that young children were depleting.

’Tell your father the maintenance is due.’ ‘Get the towels, bitch.’ ‘No one likes you.’ ‘I wish I had ______ as my daughter, not you.’ Elayn made me feel grubby, grubby I couldn’t get rid of.

I have a healthy respect for NG. What I’ve learnt: that as a parent, we cannot rigidly shape our children’s lives no matter how much we would like to. We have to step back and watch them bloom into who they are meant to be, whether we like it or not. We have to step back with understanding, and love.

I am sorry this review is so long, and that the portions I included are negatively posed. I just like to really think about NG’s resilience, empathy, and strength. She has been through so much.

[Jodie Gale · Rating 4 out of 5]

Nikki Gemmell started writing After, the day she found out that her mother had ended her own life.

Many of the reviews focus on the obvious topics of death and dying – but for me, this book was more about the complexities of the mother-daughter relationship , early childhood emotional neglect, emotional abuse and trauma, and the struggle to separate and individuate from early childhood wounding.

Working with women in therapy, and with a wide range of concerns, exploring and healing the mother-daughter relationship is always part of our work together. Narcissistic wounding is often at the core. By this I mean, the daughter is not seen in her own light and her emotional, psychological and spiritual needs were not met, often because the mother’s needs were also not met.

Nikki Gemmell does a wonderful job of writing about these issues and I love that she has found a creative space to ‘see’ herself. It takes guts, authenticity, vulnerability and courage to write a book like this!

This memoir is a must for anyone interested in delving deeper into the psyche of the mother-daughter relationship.

Review also here with link to Australian Story: http://jodiegale.com/after-by-nikki-g...

[Sharon Metcalf · Rating 4 out of 5]

After by Nikki Gemmel was an audiobook I purchased on a whim and I found it to be a most interesting book to listen to. There were a few factors that drew me in. I'd heard of the author but knew little of her. The blurb intrigued me with an opening sentence which read "Australia's bravest and most honest writer explores the devastating aftermath of her elderly mother's decision to end her own life." And the Audiobook was on sale. Combined, these factors persuaded me to try it and I'm glad I did. Oddly, it didn't languish in my library waiting to be read but I picked it up and started listening almost immediately.

Read by the author it was a memoir with a focus on her relationship with her mother. The book opened with a visit to the morgue to identify her elderly mothers body. The shock she felt, the wild emotions, her inability to think, to understand how the world was moving on around her whilst her world had stopped. All of her thoughts and feelings were expressed in a heartfelt manner and I could imagine the shock I too would feel if I found myself in this situation. As the book progressed there were times I couldn't relate but listened on with interest. Hers had not been an easy relationship with her mother and I wondered if she was being harsh or brutally honest. (I settled upon the latter but one never really knows both sides when it's a memoir). It was clear Nikki Gemmel loved her mum but as she herself stated, she didn't always like her.

In truth the book was so much more than an exploration of their relationship. I found it compelling and thought provoking listening as Nikki delved into the difficulties her mother had encountered as she aged. Elayn had had a bungled foot surgery which resulted in incredible and debilitating pain. Not only did the pain threaten her independence, something she treasured, but it lead to a reliance and ultimately an addiction to opioid pain killing drugs, Doctor shopping and a level of desperation. In the end Elayn made a very private decision to end her own life. Unable to share her intentions with family for fear of any legal ramifications upon them she left the world totally alone and at a time and place of her own chosing. The whole sad affair brought into question the topic of assisted suicide, euthanasia and right to die.

Considering I bought it on a whim I am so very pleased to have listened to this book which was very well written and read so passionately by the author.

[Girlwithapen93 · Rating 4 out of 5]

I have been following Nikki Gemmell and the interesting things she has to say for a while now, so when I saw that she has a new book coming out about herself and her mother, I knew I wanted to read it.
The book is about Gemmell and her mother’s relationship and the untimely demise of her mother’s end of life. This book is essentially a heartbreaking letter to Gemmell’s now deceased mother and their life together. It is also about the important and often not spoken enough issue of euthanasia. There are a lot of facts and statistic in the book, opinions and options on the issue and the way that Gemmell has delivered it, is heartbreaking, raw and much needed in our world today.
The book is not necessarily a story but rather a collection of thoughts and feelings that Gemmell had when her mother passed away. It talks about Gemmell’s mother life from beginning and end, Gemmell’s own life and the strained relationship they have always had. Gemmell’s reaction of the death and how it impacted her and her young children’s life. More importantly though, Gemmell doesn’t dwell on the fact that it has happened to her mother, but rather that it happens all the time and something about the euthanasia laws have to be changed.
The writing in the book is special. Like I said, it is not a story but rather a collection of thoughts, and the writing reflects that. It is slow and static, fast and rolling. It is a collection of put together thoughts and feelings and sometimes the sentences don’t end or are just one word. But this is what makes the book. Because of the way it has been written, it hits you right in the heart and makes it hurt that much more worse.
“What is lost: the complexity of Elayn. She wasn’t evil, or bad, or wicked. She was just a woman. A contradictory, wounded, thinking, empowered, impetuous, exhausted, mighty women. She chose, most often, a fighter’s path. No female had a stronger presence. It was never indifferent” page 282.
This book is going to make you think and feel and make you probably cry, but is a must read if you know someone who has taken their own life or are interested in the euthanasia debate.

[Martha☀]

I was ready to set this aside as totally unreadable during those first 25 pages. Written completely in sentence fragments, it was almost impossible to catch the gist of what was going on. The only thing that was clear was that Gemmell was shattered by the death of her elderly mother. The writing might have been an attempt to show a sense of panic, terror or childlike blathering but the effect was one that had me flipping ahead to see if the style continued throughout or not.

More than 170 pages later (60% of the book), a theme finally emerges. This is a book about the Right to Die and the awful secretive steps that people had to take before Assisted Suicide was legalized. Nikki's mother hid her all-encompassing pain from her children and had become addicted to oxycontin and other opioids in an effort to manage her extreme pain.

At the time of writing (2017 in Australia), the laws around assisted suicide were severe. Being even remotely aware of another person's planned suicide could result in prosecution. Nikki's mother kept her children in the dark about her plans to end her life most likely because she didn't want them to face a legal battle for having known or worse for having been an accessory to the death.

But Nikki takes it very personally and spends the rest of the book lambasting her mother for being a crummy parent, for not trusting Nikki with the truth, for not allowing Nikki the opportunity to persuade her to continue living and for the embarrassment of having an addict for a parent. The book is all about Nikki, and how hard-done-by she is by this. It is a 'me, me, me' look at Nikki with no understanding of the exquisite pain her mother must have been in nor any gratitude for her mother's efforts to keep Nikki out of a criminal investigation.

Gemmell wrote this book too soon after her mother's suicide. She had not solidified her thoughts nor come to terms with her emotions, resulting in nonsensical wailing into the keyboard. I felt I was reading her personal journals rather than a finished book.

It's amazing to see how far we have come over the past decade in regards to the right to die. I was stunned to see how recently this secrecy was in play and I am so glad that opportunities to end one's own life with dignity and grace now exist.

[Sherry Mackay · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book was interesting to me. A couple of my family members have killed themselves so I can understand how this author felt about her mother. The annoying thing about this story was that it is mostly about the writer rather than her mother. I never felt I had much of an inkling about how her mother had lived her life. It was all me me me. She kept whingeing about how the suicide affected her and her life. She never seems to come to grips with the fact that her mother was in pain and felt there was no answer but death. I kept waiting for some resolution at the end where this writer comes to grips with it all but it never happens. She still seems very self-centred at the end. I was glad to see that she understood a little more about why people kill themselves. I don't know why she would expect a person about to kill themselves to have rational thoughts. this book is interesting if you are interested in the issue of euthanasia but the writer is quite self-indulgent which annoyed me.

[Jan Miller · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was a book that Nikki Gemmell needed to write in order to move on with unfinished business between her and a very difficult mother. I think if their relationship had been more straight forward, her mother's choice to die alone and in her own way would have been easier. But it unleashed so much grief for her and by writing it out, speaking to others and getting facts about chronic pain, euthanasia etc she has come though with an ability to put things at rest. Very frank and exposing for both her and her mother- I wonder how her mother's friends dealt with it. At times I felt it could have been shorter. But reinforces the power of writing to explore deep issues.

[Chloe · Rating 1 out of 5]

DNF at 60% because I could not stand the judgemental tone any longer. The author is so incredibly harsh on suicide victims and vilifies her mother so completely. The book read more like ‘here is a list of all the things my mother did to hurt me’ than an actual insightful memoir. I found it upsetting to read because of the author’s close mindedness. I understand that the author is hurting, so perhaps this should’ve been written when the author has had more time to reflect. Instead it reads as an attack.

[K · Rating 3 out of 5]

Interesting but a little repetitive.

[Merryll · Rating 4 out of 5]

Heartwarming you sad & honest. Made me rethink my mother’s death and how fortunate I was to be with her in her final moments. I have had a completely different life experience.

[Rosalie · Rating 4 out of 5]

‘After’ is about the painful necessity of coming to terms with living after the unexpected death of a parent. It is a tribute to Nikki Gemmel’s mother, Elayn who committed suicide alone, most likely because it is illegal in Australia to take your own life or assist someone to do so. It is however, Nikki’s love, hate, admiration for and desire to understand her mother that compelled her to write the memoir of her mother’s life. Elayn was a woman whose beauty had enabled her to escape from the usual community and societal expectations but who had finally acquiesced and reluctantly gave up her career to become a wife and mother.
Elayn seemed to have put all of her thwarted ambition onto her only daughter Nikki “she wanted the perfect daughter. Beautiful, quiet, talented, successful, pliant. The daughter wanted the perfect mother. Loving generous, nurturing, understanding and forgiving.” However, this intense relationship based on the “pursuit of perfection” and control was toxic. As adults we are always going to be in a state of powerlessness and imperfection when we have children, but if we try to live through our children neither parent or child will be true to themselves.
As a writer and a weekly columnist Gemmel had the opportunity to receive many positive (and some negative) communications with people who had lost loved-ones but also enabled her to meet one amazing woman who was able (financially) to plan her own death in Switzerland. These communications and comments on euthanasia in Australia and elsewhere are very enlightening and make the book so much more readable.

[Carmel · Rating 4 out of 5]

I’m on a roll reading really good thought provoking books. This is the true story of the death of a mother. Nikki and Elayn have a wretched prickly mother/daughter relationship. There is much love and respect but also a lot of critical judgement that exists. Elayn has always shocked and done things uniquely as a mother and she does that in death also by choosing euthanasia. The anger and grief that Nikki feels is raw yet over the course of the book she learns so much more about her mothers choice through the voice of others and by examining her mother more thoroughly. Without a doubt her mother endured chronic pain - apparently the main reason why the elderly choose death by euthanasia. A wonderful book about fraught mother/daughter relationships and how death can set us on a course of how to live and love.

[Katrina · Rating 2 out of 5]

Controversial, raw and emotional memoir from a daughters perspective when her mother decides to take her life after a long terminal illness.
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A bitter, angst filled novel where Nikki charges at her mother at close range leaving the reader feeling uncomfortable and awkward at times.
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Challenging issues were raised throughout the novel provoking the reader to contemplate one's end of life routes.

[Melinda Crumblin · Rating 4 out of 5]

I’ve struggled to read Gemmell’s fiction on more than one occasion, but much like with Bryce Courtenay, I find the non fiction easier to read and interesting. This was more about euthanasia and elder suicide with some grief and mother-daughter relationship thrown in. Sometimes it read just like a stream of consciousness, but I found the euthanasia issues truly gripping. Our country definitely needs to make progress in this area. Thank you Nikki for sharing your story and Elayn’s.

[Jonathon Hagger · Rating 5 out of 5]

A triumph of a memoir. The reader is left with heavy ethical questions to ponder. Nikki lays out her emotional torment and pain with complete honesty and the result is an immensely confronting look into the meaning of relationships, grief and euthanasia.

[Sally Wilson · Rating 5 out of 5]

Thoroughly enjoyed this book

[Alicia Marcus · Rating 3 out of 5]

This felt like a very different style of writing that a typical novel, instead it read like a deeply personal journal of collected thoughts. That style felt a little disorientating without being directly involved with the story, but otherwise I was moved by the book and felt the presentation of euthanasia was put forward honestly and thoughtfully. I also appreciated the depiction of a less than perfect relationship between parent and child but still filled with love and respect, because I think this is under-represented (as I find parent-child relationships are usually presented as either perfect or hopeless). Overall, very thought-provoking and beautifully written book.

[Vireya · Rating 2 out of 5]

I wish Jennifer Vuletic had read the whole book, instead of only a few of the letters. Nikki's own reading was a bit frenetic and overly emotional. A professional actor would have been easier to listen to.

I found the book rather self-indulgent. It is written as if Nikki is the most important person in the story, which I suppose is correct if you are Nikki. But as an outsider, I wanted more of the mother's story.

[Mimi Boozehammer · Rating 3 out of 5]

Tugged at the heartstrings and raised a lot of questions about the right to die and loneliness and the complexities of families. The book almost felt intrusive at times....into Nikki's very private world of grief. However, as much as I enjoyed it I also felt it went on for longer than was necessary for the reader to sink into the abyss and climb out the other side.

[Renée · Rating 4 out of 5]

Wow. I needed this. Very moving and powerful.

[Shane · Rating 3 out of 5]

It’s two decades since I’ve read any of Nikki Gemmell’s novels; though I forget why I stopped after four, I vaguely remember some character – a man – would always die near the end. Her 2017 memoir, After, begins with a death – which, for all the warning signs, she didn’t see coming: her mother’s. Elayn Gemmell suicided in her own home without leaving a note. Having lived for years with chronic pain, which had grown disabling, she took her own life by the book: an overdose of hoarded pills washed down with Baileys; she’d gotten hooked on opioids and alcohol in the wake of failed surgery eleven months earlier.

Daughters of narcissistic mothers may recognise many traits Gemmell describes: conditional approval and affection; efforts to shape her daughter in her own image (matching mother-daughter outfits); casual nudity in front of her or walking in on her suddenly; more clothes than she could ever wear; never saying sorry; embarrassment at her daughter’s appearance and disappointment despite her success. And yet, predictably, Gemmell feels guilty: she wasn’t there for Elayn enough. As if a mother like that could ever have been satisfied.

Though not a fan of memoirs, I’d enjoyed Gemmell’s novels for her singular voice and raw intensity. Which is why I read Jeanette Winterson’s memoir: another (if very different) story about a toxic mother. A fan of Winterson’s fiction, I found her memoir half baked. As if demand for the genre creates lower expectations. And non-fiction needn’t be truer than fiction, merely less artful. Winterson’s memoir feels rough and rushed towards the end (when she and her birth mother connect), as if it was published before she’d done enough reflecting.

And Gemmell’s memoir hit the shelves within eighteen months of Elayn’s death. It’s now over two years since my own mother died (of natural causes at 99: no surprise), yet new insights and revelations keep coming. Reading After, written while Gemmell’s grief was still fresh, I cringed at the excess of sentiment and her need to please a mother who withheld acceptance while alive and couldn’t grant it once dead. If Gemmell could have let her story ripen for longer, she would have likely gained far more perspective. Part of the time I sensed she was writing to process her grief; the rest of the time I felt she might be writing to outrun feelings, such as the natural anger she seems to have disowned.

Instead, Gemmell sometimes whinges:

My generation’s lot. Both ends, yep. Looking after the kids as well as the parents, holding down the job, sorting out the husband and house and feeling like you’re not doing anything adequately. Drowning in busyness (p. 55).

There’s more in that vein. Yet Gemmell still finds time to push out a premature memoir. And no-one forced her to have four kids. Is some of her busyness superfluous? After suffers from needless repetition. And it’s often overwrought, overwritten. You (to borrow the second-person device sampled above) would think no-one else had ever lost a parent. Despair and empowerment aren’t mutually exclusive, yet she resists the former, manipulating her weekly column readers into reassuring her, then finding a surrogate mother among them.

After could have been memorable and powerful with less drama, more drafts and some rigorous editing.

[Les Jardins d'Hélène · Rating 4 out of 5]

L'écrivain Nikki Gemmell offre dans cet Après une réflexion sur la perte brutale de sa mère, leur lien distendu, l'amour maternel, et l'euthanasie dans un pays où elle demeure illégale.

Son monde s'écroule lorsque la police vient lui annoncer sur le pas de la porte de le décès de sa mère. Elle se rend à la morgue reconnaitre le corps, et attend les résultats de l'autopsie car tout porte à croire qu'il s'agit d'un suicide. Depuis des années, sa mère, Elaine - qu'elle avait elle-même réécrit en Elaine -, ancienne mannequin, souffrait terriblement après une opération chirurgicale ratée. On connait les conséquences des opioïdes lorsque leur prescription n'est pas strictement encadrée, et l'addiction qu'ils entrainent.

Nikki Gemmell revient sur sa relation à sa mère, pas toujours heureuse ni sereine, sur la difficulté à accepter le choix de sa mère de mourir seule et dans le secret, et pose alors le débat non résolu de l'euthanasie ou du suicide assisté en cas de phase terminale d'une maladie ou de douleurs insurmontables et intraitables.

D'abord sceptique sur ce qu'allait pouvoir m'apporter ce récit personnel, je me suis laissée prendre dans les pensées de l'auteur, et l'ai accompagnée jusqu' à la fin de son livre, qui s'achève dans l'apaisement. Les questions soulevées sont bien évidemment universelles, et inégalement traitées selon les pays quand il s'agit de la mort. La relation de Nikki à sa mère et à ses enfants, cette position entre deux générations, peut toucher tout un chacun également.

Un livre choisi au hasard d'un passage en bibliothèque, parce que j'avais aimé le premier roman traduit de l'autrice (La mariée mise à nu), et qui s'est révélé plus intéressant que je ne l'imaginais.

[Nicole Foster · Rating 5 out of 5]

Nikki Gemmel shares with the reader the horrific process of hearing your mother has taken her own life all alone due to mismanaged chronic pain.

This book, I found to have two main points 1.mismanaged chronic pain with opioid use & 2. Assisted dying/euthanasia.

Nikki explorers the barriers her mother faced in accessing appropriate health care for her chronic pain. knowledge gaps from general practitioners; lack of referral to pain management specialists & allied health & lack of treatment options lead to opioid addiction & sufferance.

Because of the suffering Nikki's mother was undergoing she decided to take her own life, all alone, a lonely death because current Australian laws prohibit anyone being present or enabling a suicide. Someone had to find her, her corpse needed to be identified, a police investigation followed, adding extra stressors to an already stressful situation.

Since Nikki made her mother's story & her own experience public, Nikki has received numerous feedback of similar stories from other suffers looking to take their own lives, stories from other families who have experienced the same trauma & from medical professionals.

Nikki is an advocate for assisted dying.

[MagicParadox · Rating 5 out of 5]

'After' is a soul-searching, passionate, heartfelt account of the suicide of Nikki's mother, Elayn. I found myself aching for Nikki's regret and self-reflection on her lack of presence, as well as for Elayn's disenfranchisement, increasing debilitation and chronic pain, and disconnection.

The rawness and authenticity of 'After' drew me in deeply. Nikki is eloquent in her writing, and chronicles the unintentional self-absorption we all get caught up in, inadvertently fracturing and disconnecting from family relationships.

The book covers suicide, grief and bereavement, euthanasia, self-learning, mother/daughter challenges, chronic pain, life-changing devastation, and the stark realities of the less-than-perfect families most of live in.

Alongside a call to debate euthanasia honestly, Nikki's agonising journey is a call for us to act on the bitter rift of familial silence: “...for with those great familial silences, surely the most bitterest rifts of all, can come a sapping of the spirit, a corrosive bewilderment, a heaviness that’s carried through life. You can’t be hurt by someone you don’t care about” (Gemmell, 2017, p.151).

[Robin · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is a moving and frank account of the author and her family, in journal format, as they try to come to terms with her mother's suicide. She gives an honest, warts and all account of her often fraught relationship with her mother, and while chronicling her mother's frequent coldness and disapproval, is willing to accept the part she plays in their difficult relationship. It's also a story full of sadness and poignancy, as it's not till after her mother's death that she realises how much pain she was in.

There are also so many things she didn't find out about her mother's life till after her death - but isn't that so often the way? We often don't take the time to really get to know our parents as people. The book also explores the contentious issue of euthanasia, as her mother had been a member of Exit International for some time before her death.

The writing is descriptive and lyrical; however the author repeats herself often throughout the book, which became annoying, and because of this I gave it 4 stars instead of 5.

[Misha]

A book about grief and the complexity of parent-child, particularly mother - child, relationships.

I’m finding this book impossible to “rate”. Was it an easy, enjoyable read? No. Was it a good contribution to the world? Yes.
Here are some quotes from After that hopefully give you the vibe if you are thinking of reading this book.

“ This is a story of now, about old people slipping through the cracks in the cram of life's whoosh.
About dignity. Choice. A clash of generations. Guilt. About slipping away because you don't want to be a bother to anyone - but by doing so you become more of a bother to everyone close than you've ever been in your life.”

“ I have been rescued. By this. Writing. To understand It has hauled me out.”

“ the maelstrom of bewilderment that was this book”

“ Non-fiction is never as neat as fiction. There is so much that is inexplicable, that doesn't follow known patterns, that trips up and surprises.”

“ The love of my life, and the hate of my life.”

“We all have untidy lives.”

“ To hold on to: Elayn's magnificence, most of all.”

[Michele Harrod · Rating 4 out of 5]

I chose to read this exact book right now for so many reasons I can't really elaborate here, but I can confirm that I found this deeply cathartic on so many levels. The exploration of the mother/daughter relationship Nikki had with Elayne was both insightful and liberating. That her mother chose euthanasia and all of the probable reasons behind that, have served to reinforce my absolute conviction that the legal means and processes available to people overseas (at establishments such as Dignitas) is a right we must surely fight to allow everyone access to, should they be in a position to truly require (and deserve) a dignified, assisted departure, surrounded by those they love. To use the threat of 'suicide' as a means of manipulating others in your life, on the other hand, is a crime so terrible, it allows me to put this book down in complete conviction, that those who do so, do not deserve to share another moment of what remains of mine.

[Di · Rating 4 out of 5]

A stream of consciousness memoir from Nikki Gemmell, following the death of her mother Elayn. Elayn suffered from chronic pain for many years, prior to taking her own life. In this book, Nikki reflects on the pain and shock for herself and her family, and her brothers and on her prickly relationship with her mother. She also tries to understand the issues around euthanasia raised by her mother's death - an act of fear or of independence. This leads to her to meet "Helena" a doctor suffering from long term chronic pain who has decided to end her life in one year hence with Dignitas and to correspond with Dr Nitschke of Exit International.

Gemmell is, as always, a beautiful writer and has linked the narrative with the concept of Kintsugi - a Japanese method of repairing broken ceramics with resin and gold creating a new object that bears the scars of existence. "The love demonstrated in the Kintsugi object should encourage us to respect what is damaged and find beauty in it.

[JanGlen · Rating 4 out of 5]

Nikki Gemmel wrote this book after her elderly but vibrant mother, Elayne, committed suicide. It reveals the slow process of coming to terms with her mother's action and the growth of understanding about why she had taken her own life. However it also very much about a particularly fraught mother-daughter relationship. Elayne clearly did not find motherhood easy. She was an intelligent woman but also a very vain one who expected her daughter to be a reflection of herself, and was quick to criticise in the most hurtful of terms. Nikki Gemmel has to come to an acceptance not just of her mother's death but of her as a whole person, deeply flawed but also admirable in many ways. The final section deals with the issue of euthanasia.
I listened to this as audiobook, which suited the conversational, almost stream-of-consciousness style of writing. This story is not told in a linear way, but as a more round-about working out of thoughts.

[Laurel · Rating 5 out of 5]

How can you possibly review a book so intensely personal as After?

As the daughter of a father dying of a progressive illness, euthanasia is a topic close to my heart. I hate that, in this country, at the time, he is precluded from planning a peaceful death. As a nurse, I have thought about the future he likely has in store, and I feel incredibly rageful and anxious, perhaps paralleling Nikki Gemmell's emotional state at having her mother's self-determined death thrust so unexpectedly upon her.

If these things could be more openly talked about (by professionals as well as families), the chronically or terminally ill wouldn't have to die such lonely deaths, and their families wouldn't be so alone in our grief.

I cannot applaud Nikki Gemmell's honesty heartily enough. After death, any chance of changing or improving a relationship vanishes - thank you for reminding me of that.