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Grief Works: Stories of Life, Death, and Surviving
An instant bestseller in the UK, Grief Works is a profoundly optimistic and compassionate handbook for anyone suffering a loss—from the expected death of a parent to the sudden death of a child or spouse—as well as a guide for those who want to help their grieving loved ones.
Death affects us all. Yet it is still the last taboo in our society, and grief is still profoundly misunderstood. So many of us feel awkward and uncertain around death, and shy away from talking honestly with family and friends. Julia Samuel, a grief psychotherapist, has spent twenty-five years working with the bereaved and understanding the full repercussions of loss. In Grief Works Samuel shares case studies from those who have experienced great love and great loss—and survived. People need to understand that grief is a process that has to be worked through, and Samuel shows if we do the work, we can begin to heal. The stories here explain how grief unmasks our greatest fears, strips away our layers of protection, and reveals our innermost selves.
Intimate, clear, warm, and helpful, Grief Works addresses the fear that surrounds death and grief and replaces it with confidence. Samuel is a caring and deeply experienced guide through the shadowy and mutable land of grief, and her book is as invaluable to those who are grieving as it is to those around them. She adroitly unpacks the psychological tangles of grief in a voice that is compassionate, grounded, real, and observant of those in mourning. Divided into case histories grouped by who has died—a partner, a parent, a sibling, a child, as well section dealing with terminal illness and suicide—Grief Works shows us how to live and learn from great loss.
Death affects us all. Yet it is still the last taboo in our society, and grief is still profoundly misunderstood. So many of us feel awkward and uncertain around death, and shy away from talking honestly with family and friends. Julia Samuel, a grief psychotherapist, has spent twenty-five years working with the bereaved and understanding the full repercussions of loss. In Grief Works Samuel shares case studies from those who have experienced great love and great loss—and survived. People need to understand that grief is a process that has to be worked through, and Samuel shows if we do the work, we can begin to heal. The stories here explain how grief unmasks our greatest fears, strips away our layers of protection, and reveals our innermost selves.
Intimate, clear, warm, and helpful, Grief Works addresses the fear that surrounds death and grief and replaces it with confidence. Samuel is a caring and deeply experienced guide through the shadowy and mutable land of grief, and her book is as invaluable to those who are grieving as it is to those around them. She adroitly unpacks the psychological tangles of grief in a voice that is compassionate, grounded, real, and observant of those in mourning. Divided into case histories grouped by who has died—a partner, a parent, a sibling, a child, as well section dealing with terminal illness and suicide—Grief Works shows us how to live and learn from great loss.
288 pages, Hardcover
First published January 16, 2018
415 people are currently reading
4455 people want to read
About the author
Julia Samuel
16 books97 followersJulia Samuel is a grief psychotherapist who works with bereaved families, both in private practice and at St. Mary's Paddington Hospital in London. She is the founder of the charity Child Bereavement UK. Grief Works is her first book.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 239 reviews
April 11, 2018
I started reading this book in the immediate weeks following the sudden death of my father, when I bought and read several books on grief, desperate to fix what is so obviously unfixable.
Author Julia Samuel does an excellent job of compassionately reminding the reader of certain inherent truths: we will all lose someone who will die, and we will all die ourselves. We suffer when we can't accept the truth of how things are. At the same time she points out how deeply unprepared most of us are as a result of collective avoidance of loss and death.
The book is grouped into different categories: bereaved spouses, parents, children; the terminally ill. Each category includes multiple case studies and then a reflection at the end highlighting major themes. The case studies were useful, because I have zero peers going through something similar, and in general most people are uncomfortable talking about death, dying, and grief--part of the reason grieving can feel so isolating. For this reason, reading about others who have lost helped me to not feel so alone. Many of the patients profiled worked on their grief in therapy for several YEARS, and that helped me to understand that it can be a long game. Grief is a process that may never be fully "complete," though it can be held differently over time.
It's also worth noting that when I first began reading, I assumed I would find the section on children who have lost a parent the most helpful, given that is my situation, but I found tremendous value--perhaps even more value at times--in sections dealing with types of loss that I have no direct experience with, which says something about how grief can be both intensely personal yet also universal.
Samuel is a compassionate and respectful steward of this collection, and her writing has a calming, level and caring tone. I appreciate how she includes her own perceptions and reactions to her clients. She makes a point of describing just how much she FEELS for her patients, oftentimes writing about the times she cried with or for them; I found this profoundly human and appreciated that she didn't portray herself as a detached, "has it all together" therapist. She was right there with her patients, and that makes me understand why many must have found great benefit to working with her.
In this way people who are grieving or supporting those who are grieving can look to Samuel as a model. In the face of great loss, there's nothing to change or fix. Grief is not a problem, nor are grieving people. There are no quick fixes; grieving is a process that looks different for everyone. Grieving is work, which is why I like how she named the book "Grief Works." It takes work to face what our culture has taught us to fear or feel shame about and work with it.
If there is indeed a "quiet revolution" about grief at work, it is much needed at both a personal level and at the systems level (Read "Being Mortal," by Atul Gawande; great complement to this book). I had no idea how much fear and contraction I held around the topic of death until my dad died, and I had spent a considerable amount of time thinking about it, given that my mother has been living with a terminal diagnosis for several years. Like many of those in this book, I was totally unmoored by an unexpected death of a loved one.
Grief Works is an accessible and helpful companion to anyone who is at any stage of grief, and it is a good dose of healing medicine for our collective fear of death and loss.
Author Julia Samuel does an excellent job of compassionately reminding the reader of certain inherent truths: we will all lose someone who will die, and we will all die ourselves. We suffer when we can't accept the truth of how things are. At the same time she points out how deeply unprepared most of us are as a result of collective avoidance of loss and death.
The book is grouped into different categories: bereaved spouses, parents, children; the terminally ill. Each category includes multiple case studies and then a reflection at the end highlighting major themes. The case studies were useful, because I have zero peers going through something similar, and in general most people are uncomfortable talking about death, dying, and grief--part of the reason grieving can feel so isolating. For this reason, reading about others who have lost helped me to not feel so alone. Many of the patients profiled worked on their grief in therapy for several YEARS, and that helped me to understand that it can be a long game. Grief is a process that may never be fully "complete," though it can be held differently over time.
It's also worth noting that when I first began reading, I assumed I would find the section on children who have lost a parent the most helpful, given that is my situation, but I found tremendous value--perhaps even more value at times--in sections dealing with types of loss that I have no direct experience with, which says something about how grief can be both intensely personal yet also universal.
Samuel is a compassionate and respectful steward of this collection, and her writing has a calming, level and caring tone. I appreciate how she includes her own perceptions and reactions to her clients. She makes a point of describing just how much she FEELS for her patients, oftentimes writing about the times she cried with or for them; I found this profoundly human and appreciated that she didn't portray herself as a detached, "has it all together" therapist. She was right there with her patients, and that makes me understand why many must have found great benefit to working with her.
In this way people who are grieving or supporting those who are grieving can look to Samuel as a model. In the face of great loss, there's nothing to change or fix. Grief is not a problem, nor are grieving people. There are no quick fixes; grieving is a process that looks different for everyone. Grieving is work, which is why I like how she named the book "Grief Works." It takes work to face what our culture has taught us to fear or feel shame about and work with it.
If there is indeed a "quiet revolution" about grief at work, it is much needed at both a personal level and at the systems level (Read "Being Mortal," by Atul Gawande; great complement to this book). I had no idea how much fear and contraction I held around the topic of death until my dad died, and I had spent a considerable amount of time thinking about it, given that my mother has been living with a terminal diagnosis for several years. Like many of those in this book, I was totally unmoored by an unexpected death of a loved one.
Grief Works is an accessible and helpful companion to anyone who is at any stage of grief, and it is a good dose of healing medicine for our collective fear of death and loss.
July 14, 2018
A very well written book, about how people cope with grief and loss. It's split into different sections... death of a partner, a parent, a sibling, a child, and gives us 3 or 4 examples of how people have reacted and eventually coped with grief. In addition, there's a really helpful chapter at the back about what we can do on a practical level when we experience bereavement. Some of it is obvious, but there are some very good ideas too. It's well written, with compassion and respect. I think it would help people suffering recent bereavement, but also those who are trying to support someone going through that too. It has a fascinating chapter about how we face our own death too. Definitely recommended.
December 18, 2017
Written for the lay person and probably aimed at those experiencing grief, GRIEF WORKS is an approachable and manageable book of grief tales with some theory woven discreetly through. I imagine that those who are in the early midst of their grief journey may not read this cover to cover but dip into it and read the elements that they want. The book is in sections looking at different types of grief experience, such as, those who have experienced the death of a partner, or a parent or a child. There is a good section on facing your own death. The style is generally appealing in my opinion and told from a first person point of view.
There is an early introduction to how grief might look or be experienced and although this was a brief narrative, it was described well. This book uses stories of those grieving from the early acuteness to the later, equally acute but long-term experiences. The stories are in-depth and rather lengthy but there is no lack of detail. The highlight of this book was the concept of thinking of 'pillars of strength', I thought this was an interesting way of thinking of managing the pain and the journey.
I am an academic in this field and this book is not written to inform me theoretically, however, I could see myself recommending this to those new to the subject, to people I research with and to friends and family.
A copy of this book was provided by the publisher through netgalley in return for an honest review.
There is an early introduction to how grief might look or be experienced and although this was a brief narrative, it was described well. This book uses stories of those grieving from the early acuteness to the later, equally acute but long-term experiences. The stories are in-depth and rather lengthy but there is no lack of detail. The highlight of this book was the concept of thinking of 'pillars of strength', I thought this was an interesting way of thinking of managing the pain and the journey.
I am an academic in this field and this book is not written to inform me theoretically, however, I could see myself recommending this to those new to the subject, to people I research with and to friends and family.
A copy of this book was provided by the publisher through netgalley in return for an honest review.
January 22, 2018
This book felt more like a psychologists memoir than a compilation of stories on how other people are working through their grief. At one point Samuel even writes, "I was struck that I was sitting opposite someone of my own generation who would probably be dead within the next 6 months. My mortality felt fragile." Really? 1) She's supposed to be focused on the person who is paying her for help. 2) Her feelings should be irrelevant unless the book is a memoir. The reflections at the end of each chapter and the last few chapters were helpful. But this book is really not what it claims to be. There are much better books on surviving grief out there.
September 15, 2019
I was really disappointed in this book. I had purchased it after seeing a talk by the author that was interesting but then left it a while to read as I was experiencing many significant bereavements in a short timeframe.
As well as a griever, I am also a counsellor and I am really unsure what audience this book has been written for.
If it is for grievers, I found myself detached from some of the case studies as they author was more present than the client. Her experiences of them, her needs, the use of “I” frequently meant she was more visible but with a contradiction that I still didn’t get a sense of her or the impact doing this work has on her and how she copes.
The reflections at the end of each chapter were useful but could have been more comprehensive. The Pillars of Strength chapter was very generalised and could have provided a lot more for grievers.
I was really shocked at the section on focusing and the description of a visualisation. To be brutally honest you can get as much information from a twitter meme.
There was no credit given to Eugene Gendlin for this technique in the main text, only in the sources at the back of the book which I’m sure many people won’t read. Reading the acknowledgements, this was a deliberate choice throughout the book to not use referencing in the main body.
If this book is aimed at practitioners then I have similar problems with it. There isn’t enough depth to the case studies or techniques. It is missing details on theory and missing how the counsellor copes with this type of workload.
I also noticed something very jarring in the second case study that I then observed all the way through the book. The clients partner who died was mentioned as being of Afro-Carribean descent, but the clients race was never mentioned. It is clear all the rest of the way through that White British Christian is the default assumption and never stated. Only clients or others characters involved in the story who do not fit this have their race, nationality or religion specified. In this day and age I found that shocking.
There also wasn’t a single person mentioned as far as I noticed who was LGBTQiA or neurodiverse.
I wouldn’t recommend this book to anyone. I would instead point them at other resources on the internet, the website https://whatsyourgrief.com and the podcast https://cariadlloyd.com/griefcast both of which I have found immensely helpful, both personally and professionally.
As well as a griever, I am also a counsellor and I am really unsure what audience this book has been written for.
If it is for grievers, I found myself detached from some of the case studies as they author was more present than the client. Her experiences of them, her needs, the use of “I” frequently meant she was more visible but with a contradiction that I still didn’t get a sense of her or the impact doing this work has on her and how she copes.
The reflections at the end of each chapter were useful but could have been more comprehensive. The Pillars of Strength chapter was very generalised and could have provided a lot more for grievers.
I was really shocked at the section on focusing and the description of a visualisation. To be brutally honest you can get as much information from a twitter meme.
There was no credit given to Eugene Gendlin for this technique in the main text, only in the sources at the back of the book which I’m sure many people won’t read. Reading the acknowledgements, this was a deliberate choice throughout the book to not use referencing in the main body.
If this book is aimed at practitioners then I have similar problems with it. There isn’t enough depth to the case studies or techniques. It is missing details on theory and missing how the counsellor copes with this type of workload.
I also noticed something very jarring in the second case study that I then observed all the way through the book. The clients partner who died was mentioned as being of Afro-Carribean descent, but the clients race was never mentioned. It is clear all the rest of the way through that White British Christian is the default assumption and never stated. Only clients or others characters involved in the story who do not fit this have their race, nationality or religion specified. In this day and age I found that shocking.
There also wasn’t a single person mentioned as far as I noticed who was LGBTQiA or neurodiverse.
I wouldn’t recommend this book to anyone. I would instead point them at other resources on the internet, the website https://whatsyourgrief.com and the podcast https://cariadlloyd.com/griefcast both of which I have found immensely helpful, both personally and professionally.
June 3, 2017
A very good book about grieving. With a very sanitized view to death in the western world, we are nearly not allowed to show any grief and expected to move on very quickly. I am Chinese, we treat death and grieving very differently. I am often shocked to see my European friends have to 'get on' with their lives after someone's passing. Every time I mentioned my late mother in law, I have been told to 'move on', which is very bizarre to me. In my culture, talking about the deceased is a way to remember them. There is nothing negative about it at all to have them live in our hearts.
This will be a good book for someone who wants to know more about grief and reflect on our view to death in the western world. But since I am Chinese and I have read a few other books about end of life issue and death, I am not learning much new things from this book. Still a reasonably good read though, particularly the case studies.
This will be a good book for someone who wants to know more about grief and reflect on our view to death in the western world. But since I am Chinese and I have read a few other books about end of life issue and death, I am not learning much new things from this book. Still a reasonably good read though, particularly the case studies.
June 8, 2017
I read this book because I heard a talk by the author on Dan Snow's history hits. I would suggest going and listening to this first.
This is an impressive book, and although I have finished it, and returned it to the library, it is one which I want to reread and mull over more. This book highlights the need to talk about death in whatever way is most needed by those who grieve. It is a series of stories of different people grieving. At times this is a very sad books to read, and a little awkward on public transport, or other public locations. This is one to consider adding to library collections, but also reading yourself. It is hard hitting while also being very gentle and compassionate. One to read to think about how you grieve, but also how you can help others who are grieving. There is no simple solution, but there are a few things not to do. Give it a go. It is most likely to appeal to people who read for story or character.
This is an impressive book, and although I have finished it, and returned it to the library, it is one which I want to reread and mull over more. This book highlights the need to talk about death in whatever way is most needed by those who grieve. It is a series of stories of different people grieving. At times this is a very sad books to read, and a little awkward on public transport, or other public locations. This is one to consider adding to library collections, but also reading yourself. It is hard hitting while also being very gentle and compassionate. One to read to think about how you grieve, but also how you can help others who are grieving. There is no simple solution, but there are a few things not to do. Give it a go. It is most likely to appeal to people who read for story or character.
March 28, 2021
3.5
No sé qué tan efectivo sea, porque de autoayuda le veo poco, pero es interesante y me sorprendió ver una sección sobre asimilar tu propia muerte, no lo había pensado.
No sé qué tan efectivo sea, porque de autoayuda le veo poco, pero es interesante y me sorprendió ver una sección sobre asimilar tu propia muerte, no lo había pensado.
June 16, 2025
solid 4 stars; a collection of vignets highlighting the process of dying, death and what comes after for the bereaved; on the subject be sure to also check out: With the End in Mind: Dying, Death, and Wisdom in an Age of Denial, How We Die: Reflections of Life's Final Chapter, On Death and Dying: What the Dying Have to Teach Doctors, Nurses, Clergy and Their Own Families and my favorite: The Five Invitations: Discovering What Death Can Teach Us About Living Fully.
January 29, 2018
Julia Samuel is a bereavement expert in the United Kingdom. She has spent 25 years working as a grief counselor. She was also a dear friend of Princess Diana and is young Prince George's Godmother. Because death is still such a taboo subject and the grief process is deeply misunderstood, Samuel wrote this book to share stories of those who have suffered great loss and came through it.
In her book, she shares stories of clients who lost parents, spouses, children, siblings, and those who were faced with their own looming death. These stories are like mini vignettes of their counseling sessions, covering the highs and lows of the grief process. Many of her clients suffered from deep depression, alcoholism, fear, and anger. All of these are common emotions and actions when dealing with a loss. Some of the anger that was felt wasn't so much from the death, but how others handled the death. One woman spoke of her deep anger and hurt over a close co-worker who stopped speaking to her after her mother's death. Her friend said a simple "Sorry for your loss" and then never spoke to her again. This loss of a close friend along with her mother hurt her greatly. We don't know why the friend stopped speaking to the bereaved friend, but most likely, it was that she didn't know what to say or do, so it is easier to avoid that to possibly say the wrong thing.
I've read many books on grief and dealing with death and while this one followed similar stories of those left behind to suffer, I felt a bit detached from the personal stories. I can't put my finger on why, but maybe they were written a bit too clinical, being told from the counselor's perspective and not the client. What I appreciated most was the end of the book that dealt with the coping strategies both for the bereaved and for the friends and family of those grieving. After one of my close friends died suddenly this summer, a number of people have asked me how to handle it, knowing that I used to work in Hospice. I found her suggestions to be good reminders for myself when seeing those who are grieving as well as handling my own moments when I remember my friend. Samuel offers important suggestions for those suffering and for others who want to continue to be a friend or support the family member in their home. Whether you are suffering the loss of a parent to old age, a sibling to an accident, or a spouse to a heart attack, you are never prepared for the deep emotions and loss. Having family and friends there for you is critical to surviving in those weeks, months, and years after the death.
I think if you are grieving or know someone close to you who are grieving, this book could be helpful, especially the practical steps and advice at the end of the book. Samuel is obviously a leader in grief counseling and has years of research and experience to back up her advice.
In her book, she shares stories of clients who lost parents, spouses, children, siblings, and those who were faced with their own looming death. These stories are like mini vignettes of their counseling sessions, covering the highs and lows of the grief process. Many of her clients suffered from deep depression, alcoholism, fear, and anger. All of these are common emotions and actions when dealing with a loss. Some of the anger that was felt wasn't so much from the death, but how others handled the death. One woman spoke of her deep anger and hurt over a close co-worker who stopped speaking to her after her mother's death. Her friend said a simple "Sorry for your loss" and then never spoke to her again. This loss of a close friend along with her mother hurt her greatly. We don't know why the friend stopped speaking to the bereaved friend, but most likely, it was that she didn't know what to say or do, so it is easier to avoid that to possibly say the wrong thing.
I've read many books on grief and dealing with death and while this one followed similar stories of those left behind to suffer, I felt a bit detached from the personal stories. I can't put my finger on why, but maybe they were written a bit too clinical, being told from the counselor's perspective and not the client. What I appreciated most was the end of the book that dealt with the coping strategies both for the bereaved and for the friends and family of those grieving. After one of my close friends died suddenly this summer, a number of people have asked me how to handle it, knowing that I used to work in Hospice. I found her suggestions to be good reminders for myself when seeing those who are grieving as well as handling my own moments when I remember my friend. Samuel offers important suggestions for those suffering and for others who want to continue to be a friend or support the family member in their home. Whether you are suffering the loss of a parent to old age, a sibling to an accident, or a spouse to a heart attack, you are never prepared for the deep emotions and loss. Having family and friends there for you is critical to surviving in those weeks, months, and years after the death.
I think if you are grieving or know someone close to you who are grieving, this book could be helpful, especially the practical steps and advice at the end of the book. Samuel is obviously a leader in grief counseling and has years of research and experience to back up her advice.
July 21, 2018
Reads like a diary of a psychotherapist. Not what I was expecting or needing. Perhaps I'm looking for a cure for grief or a quick fix. It doesn't exist. Honestly, I don't think you can get help for grieving from a book, but I suppose for some this may provide some comfort knowing that others suffer from unbearable grief. This book also further proves everyone grieves differently. For me all I need to know are the steps in grieving (denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance) and have support from family and friends. It's the only way for me to endure the "new normal".
April 30, 2021
คุณนักจิตบำบัดเล่าเรื่องราวของความสูญเสียผ่านคนไข้ ในขณะที่โลกยังคงหมุนไป โลกของใครบางคนอาจหยุดหมุนแล้ว คนที่มีชีวิตอย่างเราควรได้อ่าน
February 28, 2024
Must read. Whether it is you who has experienced loss and is grieving or you have a friend or family member who is grieving.
May 15, 2025
I listened to the author read this book over 6 weeks because it was extremely heavy at times, flooding me with tears in the middle of my days, The stories of bereavement are written with so much empathy and compassion that you can tell the author was made to be a grief counsellor. Hoping some of her wisdom and advice rubs on to me for whenever the need arises
June 13, 2020
Heartbreaking stories of love and loss, and the courage of people surviving after the death of their loved ones. Well-written with insightful learning on grief. Definitely recommend.
June 30, 2025
I listened to this on audio - read beautifully and compassionately by the author. As Julia herself says “ This book doesn’t have tidy conclusions” as they are powerful lived stories shared by her clients.
I imagine that if you are a grief counsellor or coach none of this is new. However for me It was a reassuring (if hard) listen. I wanted to skip over a few as it felt very raw - but didn’t - and blubbed whilst listening.
It’s a book that has been around for a while - but still feels very relevant.
I imagine that if you are a grief counsellor or coach none of this is new. However for me It was a reassuring (if hard) listen. I wanted to skip over a few as it felt very raw - but didn’t - and blubbed whilst listening.
It’s a book that has been around for a while - but still feels very relevant.
December 22, 2021
An insight to cases on grief. Samuel’s ability to empathise with clients beyond the emotional barriers I’ve seen in hospitals was inspiring.
August 23, 2021
Fue difícil leerlo,tuve que parar por unos días ya que me trajo de regreso al duelo,pero recomendaría este libro para las personas que quieren ayudar a familiares u amigos cercanos que están pasando por la pérdida de alguien cercano.
Los que son amados no pueden morir,porque amor significa inmortalidad.
-Emily Dickinson
Los que son amados no pueden morir,porque amor significa inmortalidad.
-Emily Dickinson
September 14, 2017
I finished reading this collection of varied stories related to different forms of grief; when a loved one dies, when a parent dies, when a sibling dies, when facing your own death and when a child dies. This last chapter was the only one I didn't read as it felt too close to home with having a 9 month old myself. I don't think I would have been able to handle the emotions it was likely to raise.
*
Each story is different as are our individual responses to death and how we grieve. The self-awareness and compassion shown in this book would be helpful to anyone who needed this type of insight into their lives. It made me thankful for having the privileged upbringing I have had and led to a greater understanding of loss. You also have a historical context in the book as well as the work needed to help others and how to provide support. There is a lot we can learn from books like this. *
I thought it courageous of the counsellor to check herself and how her patients/clients made her feel. As a social worker myself, it can be difficult to do this at times and put the personal to one side. *
*
* "We need to have a better understanding of our capacity, as human beings, to have multiple relationships, to hold both past and present loves within ourselves at once. The resolution of grief is not a return to life as it was before, for there is no going back. It is more, as one bereaved wife called it, a new sort of normal."
* "There is no right or wrong in grief: we need to accept whatever form it takes, both in ourselves and in others, to find the strength to live with that acceptance."
*
*
Each story is different as are our individual responses to death and how we grieve. The self-awareness and compassion shown in this book would be helpful to anyone who needed this type of insight into their lives. It made me thankful for having the privileged upbringing I have had and led to a greater understanding of loss. You also have a historical context in the book as well as the work needed to help others and how to provide support. There is a lot we can learn from books like this. *
I thought it courageous of the counsellor to check herself and how her patients/clients made her feel. As a social worker myself, it can be difficult to do this at times and put the personal to one side. *
*
* "We need to have a better understanding of our capacity, as human beings, to have multiple relationships, to hold both past and present loves within ourselves at once. The resolution of grief is not a return to life as it was before, for there is no going back. It is more, as one bereaved wife called it, a new sort of normal."
* "There is no right or wrong in grief: we need to accept whatever form it takes, both in ourselves and in others, to find the strength to live with that acceptance."
*
June 25, 2019
Having lost my dad just over 6 months ago, I wish I had read this book at the beginning of the grief journey! The tips at the end of the book were especially useful.
You can tell that Julia Samuel seriously knows her stuff and theory is subtly woven into accessible language. What struck a chord with me was her observation that one of the most painful things about grieving is the lack of understanding and bravery from friends and family of addressing the elephant in the room. The person has died, there is no getting around that, so best to name it rather than force the griever to name it themselves (using emotional energy that is already near depleted). I breathed a sigh of relief that so many of the things I thought were unique to me are universal experiences when you have lost someone.
You can tell that Julia Samuel seriously knows her stuff and theory is subtly woven into accessible language. What struck a chord with me was her observation that one of the most painful things about grieving is the lack of understanding and bravery from friends and family of addressing the elephant in the room. The person has died, there is no getting around that, so best to name it rather than force the griever to name it themselves (using emotional energy that is already near depleted). I breathed a sigh of relief that so many of the things I thought were unique to me are universal experiences when you have lost someone.
September 8, 2018
Practical information by Samuel from 25 years as a grief psychotherapist. She divides the book into sections with advice for understanding and helping (1) when a child dies, (2) when a partner dies, (3) when a parent dies, (4) when a sibling dies (5) facing your own death.
* An anniversary is a marker of time, and there is an intensity to it.
* Over time life grows around the loss.
* Even when we're in the middle of the grieving process, we will have moments of pleasure or happiness.
* When the recognition of dying has been accepted, and the focus is no longer on fighting for life, a death that has grace and tenderness, that is painless and peaceful in a secure, loving environment, can be obtained.
* Best help to the grieving -- listening.
* An anniversary is a marker of time, and there is an intensity to it.
* Over time life grows around the loss.
* Even when we're in the middle of the grieving process, we will have moments of pleasure or happiness.
* When the recognition of dying has been accepted, and the focus is no longer on fighting for life, a death that has grace and tenderness, that is painless and peaceful in a secure, loving environment, can be obtained.
* Best help to the grieving -- listening.
August 26, 2018
Take this from a motherless daughter who wants her friends to understand her grief more - READ THIS BOOK!
it will help you understand your grief and how to deal with it, or if you know anyone dealing with grief, it will help you to understand them and be a good friend to them.
Simple and beautifully written!! it’s divided into sections dealing with the death of a partner, a sibling, a parent or a child drawing from case studies over a twenty five year period but is so compelling in its narrative that I read it from cover to cover.
Highly, highly recommended.
it will help you understand your grief and how to deal with it, or if you know anyone dealing with grief, it will help you to understand them and be a good friend to them.
Simple and beautifully written!! it’s divided into sections dealing with the death of a partner, a sibling, a parent or a child drawing from case studies over a twenty five year period but is so compelling in its narrative that I read it from cover to cover.
Highly, highly recommended.
February 17, 2024
I picked up this book for an ulterior motive, that of which can be guessed from the title.
My grandma passed away 4 years ago almost to the day and, while I have gotten better at dealing with it, I am definitely not over it. She and I shared a very special relationship; she was my go-to person, my crutch, my companion and just always there for me. Losing her devastated me especially since I live abroad and I didn’t get a chance to see her before she passed on. The last time I had seen her was a year and a half before she had left us and that kills me till today. In a way, I still remember her at her best and not during her deteriorating health but I still wish I had seen her at least one more time.
I was told I “should have gotten used to it by now” and “get over it already, it’s been 4 years” and I felt like I was running behind some schedule that wasn’t even shared with me.
Turns out, this book was exactly what I needed. It was extremely validating. It explained the process of grief and how it’s different for everyone and has no fixed timeline or expiry. The intensity of the grief is directly proportional to the depth of relationship you shared with the deceased and is affected by a lot of other factors including our societal conditional and awkwardness around a grieving person. Besides, there’s always the matter that we all deal with grief differently and the bereavement process looks very different for different people.
In Grief Works, Julia Samuel, a grief psychotherapist based in the UK, shares select stories from a few of her ex-patients – extremely touching stories that are so different and yet somehow all relatable. She organized the chapters according to the relationship with the person lost: loss of a partner, a parent, a sibling, a child and finally facing one’s own death for the terminally ill. At the end of every one of those chapters, she includes a reflections section where she shares her general thoughts on how to deal with that particular kind of loss as well as some facts and statistics that are very essential to understanding grief more.
There is so much I would like to share in my review. It I feel the below quotes sum up the main takeaways…
“Death is the last great taboo; and the consequence of death, grief, is profoundly misunderstood. We seem happy to talk about sex or failure, or to expose our deepest vulnerabilities, but on death we are silent. It is so frightening, even alien, for many of us that we cannot find the words to voice it. This silence leads to an ignorance that can prevent us from responding to grief both in others and in ourselves. We prefer it when the bereaved don’t show their distress, and we say how “amazing” they are by being “so strong.” But, despite the language we use to try to deny death—euphemisms such as “passed over,” “lost,” “gone to a better place”—the harsh truth is that, as a society, we are ill equipped to deal with it. The lack of control and the powerlessness that we are forced to contend with go against our twenty-first-century belief that medical technology can fix us; or, if it can’t, that sufficient quantities of determination can.”
“Grief doesn’t hit us in tidy phases and stages, nor is it something that we forget and move on from; it is an individual process that has a momentum of its own, and the work involves finding ways of coping with our fear and pain, and also adjusting to this new version of ourselves, our “new normal.””
“…grief is an intensely personal, contradictory, chaotic, and unpredictable internal process. If we are to navigate it, we need a way to understand and live with the central paradox: that we must find a way of living with a reality that we don’t want to be true. It forces us to face our own mortality, which we have spent an entire lifetime denying, often through the creation of order – because if we have order, we have predictability and, most importantly, control.”
“It is often the behaviors we use to avoid pain that harm us the most.”
“Death steals the future we anticipated and hoped for, but it can’t take away the relationship we had.”
“According to research, men tend to vent anger, which can lead to violence, and women tend to suppress it, which can lead to depression.”
“People talk about “finding a way of living with” the grief from suicide; as a bereaved mother said to me, “You never ‘get over it,’ you ‘get on with it,’ and you never ‘move on,’ but you ‘move forward.’ You start to absorb the intense pain that such a loss brings in its wake and you begin, very, very slowly, to accept.””
“This does not mean men feel less pain than women, but rather that they instinctively manage their pain differently.”
“Our first breath of life signals the success of birth, and it is our last breath that will signal our death. We all know we will die—it is the only truly predictable fact—yet the incredible power of our minds maintains it as our best-kept secret.”
“We’ve seen in the case studies that the relationship with the person who has died continues, although in a radically altered form. They are loved in absence rather than in presence. Some people may need to do this a great deal, others only occasionally or on special days like anniversaries. A central pillar in the support of our system is finding ways to externalize that relationship.”
“…grief has a momentum of its own, and our work is to find ways to express it and to support ourselves through it, while realizing that over time it changes and we are changed by it.”
My grandma passed away 4 years ago almost to the day and, while I have gotten better at dealing with it, I am definitely not over it. She and I shared a very special relationship; she was my go-to person, my crutch, my companion and just always there for me. Losing her devastated me especially since I live abroad and I didn’t get a chance to see her before she passed on. The last time I had seen her was a year and a half before she had left us and that kills me till today. In a way, I still remember her at her best and not during her deteriorating health but I still wish I had seen her at least one more time.
I was told I “should have gotten used to it by now” and “get over it already, it’s been 4 years” and I felt like I was running behind some schedule that wasn’t even shared with me.
Turns out, this book was exactly what I needed. It was extremely validating. It explained the process of grief and how it’s different for everyone and has no fixed timeline or expiry. The intensity of the grief is directly proportional to the depth of relationship you shared with the deceased and is affected by a lot of other factors including our societal conditional and awkwardness around a grieving person. Besides, there’s always the matter that we all deal with grief differently and the bereavement process looks very different for different people.
In Grief Works, Julia Samuel, a grief psychotherapist based in the UK, shares select stories from a few of her ex-patients – extremely touching stories that are so different and yet somehow all relatable. She organized the chapters according to the relationship with the person lost: loss of a partner, a parent, a sibling, a child and finally facing one’s own death for the terminally ill. At the end of every one of those chapters, she includes a reflections section where she shares her general thoughts on how to deal with that particular kind of loss as well as some facts and statistics that are very essential to understanding grief more.
There is so much I would like to share in my review. It I feel the below quotes sum up the main takeaways…
“Death is the last great taboo; and the consequence of death, grief, is profoundly misunderstood. We seem happy to talk about sex or failure, or to expose our deepest vulnerabilities, but on death we are silent. It is so frightening, even alien, for many of us that we cannot find the words to voice it. This silence leads to an ignorance that can prevent us from responding to grief both in others and in ourselves. We prefer it when the bereaved don’t show their distress, and we say how “amazing” they are by being “so strong.” But, despite the language we use to try to deny death—euphemisms such as “passed over,” “lost,” “gone to a better place”—the harsh truth is that, as a society, we are ill equipped to deal with it. The lack of control and the powerlessness that we are forced to contend with go against our twenty-first-century belief that medical technology can fix us; or, if it can’t, that sufficient quantities of determination can.”
“Grief doesn’t hit us in tidy phases and stages, nor is it something that we forget and move on from; it is an individual process that has a momentum of its own, and the work involves finding ways of coping with our fear and pain, and also adjusting to this new version of ourselves, our “new normal.””
“…grief is an intensely personal, contradictory, chaotic, and unpredictable internal process. If we are to navigate it, we need a way to understand and live with the central paradox: that we must find a way of living with a reality that we don’t want to be true. It forces us to face our own mortality, which we have spent an entire lifetime denying, often through the creation of order – because if we have order, we have predictability and, most importantly, control.”
“It is often the behaviors we use to avoid pain that harm us the most.”
“Death steals the future we anticipated and hoped for, but it can’t take away the relationship we had.”
“According to research, men tend to vent anger, which can lead to violence, and women tend to suppress it, which can lead to depression.”
“People talk about “finding a way of living with” the grief from suicide; as a bereaved mother said to me, “You never ‘get over it,’ you ‘get on with it,’ and you never ‘move on,’ but you ‘move forward.’ You start to absorb the intense pain that such a loss brings in its wake and you begin, very, very slowly, to accept.””
“This does not mean men feel less pain than women, but rather that they instinctively manage their pain differently.”
“Our first breath of life signals the success of birth, and it is our last breath that will signal our death. We all know we will die—it is the only truly predictable fact—yet the incredible power of our minds maintains it as our best-kept secret.”
“We’ve seen in the case studies that the relationship with the person who has died continues, although in a radically altered form. They are loved in absence rather than in presence. Some people may need to do this a great deal, others only occasionally or on special days like anniversaries. A central pillar in the support of our system is finding ways to externalize that relationship.”
“…grief has a momentum of its own, and our work is to find ways to express it and to support ourselves through it, while realizing that over time it changes and we are changed by it.”
July 3, 2022
I bought this book just a week after my father passed away.
It helped me to accept what happened faster, I'm still in the process of recovering, but at least thanks to this book and plenty of meditation I'm managing better than expected everything.
It breakdown why you might be going through some of those feelings. That kind of it's helping me at the moment.
I highly recommend it to anyone who lost a loved one.
It helped me to accept what happened faster, I'm still in the process of recovering, but at least thanks to this book and plenty of meditation I'm managing better than expected everything.
It breakdown why you might be going through some of those feelings. That kind of it's helping me at the moment.
I highly recommend it to anyone who lost a loved one.
May 2, 2018
An excellent resource for anyone experiencing a loss, or if you want to support someone who has experienced a loss. There's technical information about the experience of grieving for a loss, as well as practical advice and a list of other resources you can turn to - both online and in books.
October 18, 2018
Profoundly helpful...even well after the grieving begins
October 3, 2021
I started reading this book because I wanted to know how to support someone close to me recently bereaved, as I’d seen it recommended. It isn’t a how-to guide, but reading it has left me more prepared to think about death and loss, for myself and others. It’s a really beautifully written book, moving and with a lot of joy and growth desire what you might think would be dark subject matter. Julia Samuel is a bereavement counsellor and you tagged as though a series of cases of people she has known through her work to illustrate the grieving process and what we can learn about how to recover, as well as living life with a consciousness of death. It’s best to read it all in order as whilst it splits into sections relating to losing different people in your life (parent, child, partner etc) the themes overlap, so to take it all in rather than jumping to a section that seems more relevant. She ends each set of personal stories with practical thoughts, drawing on her experience and research. I wasn’t expecting to find this book enjoyable but it was surprisingly immersive and beautiful, very moving and sad without being overwhelming, hopefully and realistic.
July 26, 2025
I haven’t had too much experience with grief in my own life, and it was often implied that I just had to “get over” any losses I faced. But this year, with tragedies in my local church community and broader city, I’ve been thinking about death and grief a lot more, wondering how people could acknowledge the pain behind their losses and yet still eventually allow themselves to experience joy and peace again.
I can imagine it’s not easy being a grief counsellor. Grief counsellors have to sit with their clients in heavy emotions, being present with them in their pain and heartbreak. I appreciated Julia’s ability to feel alongside her clients and help them process their losses, being curious about their experiences that contributed to how they cope. Grief is universal even if it doesn’t always have to do with death, and reading this book was one step towards helping me understand how to deal with it, whether in my own life, in the lives of those around me, or on a societal/global scale.
I can imagine it’s not easy being a grief counsellor. Grief counsellors have to sit with their clients in heavy emotions, being present with them in their pain and heartbreak. I appreciated Julia’s ability to feel alongside her clients and help them process their losses, being curious about their experiences that contributed to how they cope. Grief is universal even if it doesn’t always have to do with death, and reading this book was one step towards helping me understand how to deal with it, whether in my own life, in the lives of those around me, or on a societal/global scale.
April 27, 2024
I loved the author in depth accounts of walking with grieving clients with whom the most unimaginable, intense feelings of grief. I felt it was important for someone like me, who worries a lot about death, to learn to accept death as a part of life. To accept and live with the uncertainty and even move through death.
Some key quotes, "death is the last, greatest taboo of our society" which is so true.
"..I have regularly seen that it is not the pain of grief that damages individuals like Annie, and even whole families, sometimes for generations, but the things they do to avoid that pain."
Unlike some people, I really enjoyed hearing the innermost thoughts and somatic reactions behind the perfectly wise, strong and supportive veneer that Julia (and I'm sure many other therapists) try so hard to project even in the face of the most senselessly cruel circumstances in which people died. Sure it might not be helpful to someone who is right in the throws of it as they read this...sometimes we want to put a therapist on a pedestal as a way of coping when we feel totally powerless. But I loved the human-ness of her reactions to all clients.
Some key quotes, "death is the last, greatest taboo of our society" which is so true.
"..I have regularly seen that it is not the pain of grief that damages individuals like Annie, and even whole families, sometimes for generations, but the things they do to avoid that pain."
Unlike some people, I really enjoyed hearing the innermost thoughts and somatic reactions behind the perfectly wise, strong and supportive veneer that Julia (and I'm sure many other therapists) try so hard to project even in the face of the most senselessly cruel circumstances in which people died. Sure it might not be helpful to someone who is right in the throws of it as they read this...sometimes we want to put a therapist on a pedestal as a way of coping when we feel totally powerless. But I loved the human-ness of her reactions to all clients.
December 16, 2024
I thought this was a well written and interesting book on death and grieving. The book is separated into sections, including death of a parent, and death of a child, and each section is summarized by the author, with a longer summary at the end. Each section has stories of people who have had a recent loss, or are expecting a loss, and how they have coped and dealt with their losses. The author's longer summary at the end includes ways that friends and family can help those who are grieving. None of us are getting out of this alive. We need to learn how to be more comfortable with the whole process of dying and grieving.
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