I heard this was good, but I know the author (we hang out in the same coffee shops!!) so I don't think you should take my review seriously. I guess just read it?
--UPDATE--
I stopped hanging out at the same coffee shops; he always beats me to the power outlet and then stays FOREVERRRRR...ARGHHHH RUDE!
—UPDATE #2–
okay, seriously, this guy sucks! he spilled coffee all over my notebook and barely apologized; just soaked it up with his shirt and ran out of the coffee shop hella quick—like, ummmm 🤔 this book can’t be good!!
--UPDATE #3--
guys.
guyssss.
okay, so i told myself i wasn't going to post here anymore, but this author...i mean, he's THE WORST (i mean i actually took the time to capitalize those two words so you KNOW i mean it)!!
first of all, i'm sorry, man, but just because you're wearing earbuds doesn't mean no one else can hear your music!?! ummm, hello, we're only a table apart, that's like four feet at most, author guy; not the entire continent you seem to believe it is. TURN YOUR MUSIC DOWN!
also, hasn't anyone ever told you that's TERRIBLE for your eardrums. i mean i know this goes without saying but i'd hate to be his audiologist.
but wait, there's more! when i tried to give him the universal signal for "hey, buddy, turn that noise down" (you know, where you twist your face into the most annoyed expression ever while simultaneously rolling your eyes and forming your hand into a down arrow and then on a non-stop loop pointing that hand-down-arrow at the floor--you know the one) but he had the nerve to smile at me and wave. ummm, no, author guy, this isn't me attempting to initiate a friendly game of table charades. TURN YOUR MUSIC DOWN! finally, after about two minutes of my gesturing i got his attention again and this time he removed his earbuds.
"hey," he said all coolly.
as if he had no idea what this was all about. can you believe that? "hey"--like he doesn't know that he's THE WORST!
and you know me, i was ready to give him a piece of my mind except here he kept looking at me with that goofy, lopsided grin and those pathetic i'm-a-sensitive-artist-who-just-wants-to-be-loved-please-love-me eyes and well, i'm not a monster, people.
"hey, cool playlist. we should trade sometime." okay, okay, i have no clue how those words came out of my mouth, but don't worry, i quickly get back on track.
author guy laughs like he's embarrassed. "actually i have pretty terrible tastes in music but it's nice of you to say. by the way, i'm not playing it too loudly, am i? i'd hate to be THAT GUY."
i shrug. "hahaha, no way. noooo waayyyy. hahaha. hey, believe me, if you were, i'd tell you hahaha."
ugh, did i mention he's THE WORST?!?! i didn’t have the heart to tell him this, but i am telling you; there’s NO WAY this book is any good!!
—UPDATE #4—
So, this book is out and against my better judgment, I’ve started reading it and I gotta say I can absolutely admit when I’m wrong about something...except I was NOT WRONG!! I KNEW WITH EVERY FIBER OF MY BEING THIS BOOK WOULD BE SUPER SUCKY AND I’M HERE TO TELL YOU ONCE AGAIN MY INSTINCTS HOLD TRUE! Not that I’m taking any pleasure in reporting my accuracy, mind you. I actually WISH it had been different but I sorta feel as if I’ve gotten to know this author guy so, yeah, I’m not at all surprised. Just remember—I warned you!
—UPDATE #5—
Get this, so I heard that author guy was starting to tour, so I thought you know what, maybe I should give him another chance because if there’s anything I’ve taken away from his painfully crappy book is that sometimes people deserve the benefit of the doubt, you know...and I’ve decided that for 2019 I really wanna be a better person and do things like not steep my tea for too long and so adding ‘not holding onto grudges’ seemed like a perfect addition to that list, right...
Okay, so you know how sometimes you think you’ve gotten a sense for how someone is (like how this author guy is a terrible writer and super awkward human being) buuuuut then you meet them in person and you’re like OMGGGGG I WAS SOOO WRONG ABOUT YOU, YOU ARE ACTUALLY SO AMAZINGLY COOL AND SUPERRR AUTHENTIC?!?!
Yeah, that didn’t happen here. He is 100% just as I thought except maybe worse!! I mean, at one point after he’d read an except from his book (he said it was an excerpt but it felt like he read THE ENTIRE THING!! SAVE US ALL!!) he looked me right in the eyes and he said “hey, don’t I know you from the coffee shop? It’s good to see you! How are you?”
Umm, how am I? Eeewww, GROSS, author guy!! Talk about being PUSHY, right?? Like, I just came here to try and support your not-good-at-all book and because I have a thing for indie bookstores; I DIDN’T come for a personality quiz!! GEEZ!!
I think you guys can tell by now that I am NOT a judge-y person, you know, so it really makes me feel bad to say this but also I feel like I’m just the kind of person who HAS to speak my truth no matter what. So, listen, if you wanna get this book just remember I’ve tried and tried to warn you off. And honestly I wish someone had done the same for me!! THIS AUTHOR IS THE WORRRRRSSSTTTT and I mean that in the nicest possible way, because like, at the end of the day I care so much about everyone, including you and me, and even him. I feel so sorry for him because he actually has to read this awful book out loud to people in PUBLIC SPACES—he must feel absolutely horrible when he walks away from these events and not only has NO ONE HAS BOUGHT HIS BOOK but also EVERYONE IS AVOIDING MAKING EYE CONTACT WITH HIM BECAUSE WE REALLY FEEL HIS PAIN. Its so palpable!! I mean, guys, I have a heart, too, you know. Anyway, have a great weekend reading OTHER BOOKS!!
—UPDATE #6–
Okay, I know what you’re thinking—‘umm dang, man, didn’t you JUST give us an update yesterday and you’d be absolutely correct. I did. BUUUUT trust me, this couldn’t wait.
So, I’m not sure if you guys know this but pretty much everyone on the planet advises authors to AVOID GOODREADS LIKE THE PLAGUE (i’ve always thought that expression was odd—“avoid something like the plague”. It gives me the mental image of a person going out of their way to not make eye contact with a potential threat, like maybe a bully. Which makes sense because bullies suck and they just want attention. But also averting your eyes away from The Plague makes me chuckle, like, “aww man, The Plague is coming!! Quick, everyone act like you don’t see him and maybe he’ll just leave us alone.” okay, this was a very long digression and not at all the point of this post so my sincerest apologies.) ANYWAY.
So I’m at the notorious coffee shop (i know, i know, i said i wasn’t going back but their house roast is soooooo amazing and it’s really close to my house, and i’m super into proximity-based decisions, so.) and author guy is there, too. he’s in the back corner and he looks incredibly sad. and by sad i mean he’s full-on sobbing right into his ciabatta bread and everyone is gawking at him, possibly because they're wondering why anyone would waste a perfectly good piece of ciabatta, or maybe just because he's CRYING SOOO LOUD YOU LITERALLY CAN'T HEAR THE CHEESY ELEVATOR MUSIC PLAYING OVER THE SPEAKERS.
but apparently author-guy is completely oblivious or he just doesn’t care, that’s how sad he is. past the point of embarrassment. and i'll be honest, this sorta pulls at my heartstrings because i've been similarly so publicly sad that i ignored the snot-hammocking from my nostrils until some stranger came over to me and basically wiped my nose for me--which wow, stranger, you are pretty bold, but also thanks for the tissue.
so, author-guy is clearly devastated and at first i'm thinking about all of our previous encounters and i almost didn’t go over there BUT GUYYSS, at the end of the day this is a fellow human being (i guess i don’t actually know he's human but chances are fairly high) and i hate seeing people in pain or distress.
“hey, author guy, you okay, man?”
at first he doesn’t look up from his tear soaked bread, so i ask again.
this time his head slow rises and his entire face is saturated in salt-water (the tears) and ciabatta bits. "yeah," his quivering lips manage to get out.
"you sure? because i couldn't help but uh...you know...notice you, uh..."
"they hate my book."
"huh? who? what do you mean?"
"i don't know. people. people hate my book."
"umm, could you maybe be more specific?"
but instead of answering, he turns his laptop screen toward me.
"oh," i say, scrolling through his goodreads page. "oh, wow."
"yeah. wow."
"listen, man, i don't think you should be looking at this...i don't think authors should be on here...this is for readers only, man..."
"i know. i was just replying to a message and my curiosity got the best of me and...well..."
"c'mon, man, they're not all bad. a few of them are quite lovely actually."
"no, i know. it's not so much the ratings. to each his own, you know. it's more so this one guy."
"huh?"
"look at the second most popular review. that guy, he HATES me."
and of course i know EXACTLY which review he's talking about. "well, uh, i mean, i wouldn't say HATE...hate is pretty strong...maybe umm 'strong dislike' is more fitting."
"you know what the worst part is?"
"what's that?"
"apparently he comes to THIS coffee shop, too. he might even be here right now. can you imagine coming to your favorite coffee shop, where you're the most productive, only to find out someone there hate...ahem, i mean, STRONGLY DISLIKES you?"
"i mean, yeah, i could see that being, uh, tough, sure, but you have just as much right to be here as anyone so i wouldn't let...it's not like that guy is the coffee shop mayor or something...i mean who does this guy think he is..."
"he says i hog the outlets and play my music obnoxiously loud...i didn't even REALIZE I was doing that. i wish he'd just said something. i totally would've adjusted everything. I hate the idea that i was unknowingly annoying someone so much. i think that's the sucky part. he didn't even give me a chance to make amends before he just judged the crap outta me, you know."
"well, i mean, i wouldn't say he JUDGED you, per se...more like he might've made some premature conclusions about your character. a few bad assumptions. but i'm pretty sure he actually likes you more than you think."
"naahh, you really think?"
"you know what they say, man. bullies target people that they're jealous of, or that they like, so."
"well, that's pretty not cool. bullies stink."
and he's right, of course. bullies DO stink. BULLIES STINK SO BAD. "i don't know, maybe this guy was just having a bad day when he wrote this review."
"days."
"huh?"
"you said day, but there are like 5 updates so he put that review together over the course of several days."
"oh. yeah. good point. okay, so he was having a bad WEEK. i wouldn't put too much stock into it. i mean, it's not like he knows you personally."
"i know. you're right. i just have this problem where i wanna make everyone happy. i know it's stupid and impossible but i'm like a chronic people-pleaser and...sheesh, it's so embarrassing, i'm sorry i..."
"no, no, i get it. i've had that same problem."
"how'd you get over it?"
"honestly? i'm not."
"oh."
"yeah. so i'm probably not the person you should be asking for advice. but i do understand. sorry i can't be of more help."
"hey, no, don't be sorry. you came over here and you don't even know me and you've been so incredibly awesome."
i shake my head vehemently. "no, no, i wouldn't give me too much credit. to be fair i..."
"no, no, i mean it. i REALLY appreciate it."
"listen, may i make a small suggestion?"
"definitely!"
"maybe just stay off goodreads for a while? i mean, at least while this guy is doing these updates. i could even let you know, you know, when the coast is clear and it's safe again..."
he laughs. "yeah, i think that may be a good idea. and maybe i should find a new coffee shop for a while, too."
i shake my head. "nah, man, and let that ol' cranky guy win?! no way!!"
"you think? i really dislike confrontation."
"no, i don't think. i KNOW."
"wow, thanks, man. you're really cool. i'm sorry. i'm being so rude. my name is justin, what's yours?"
and my face drops because..."ummm, you're not gonna believe this but my name's...uh...my name is jasper..."
"jasper, cool name. why wouldn't i believe that?"
i shrug. "no reason. that's just something i like to do sometimes--start off a sentence with 'you're not gonna believe this' and then say something super mundane."
"ah. well, that's actually kinda funny. and good to know, too, haha...listen, it's sorta crowded in here today, you're more than welcome to sit here with me if you'd like. i promise i'm done crying, so."
"oh. yeah. sure. lemme just get my stuff."
so, yeah, i just wanted to let you guys know that even though i was nice to author-guy, this does not in any way change the way i feel about his book. that being said, i'm no monster. that being said, i'm gonna take a small break from these updates. i'm not sure when i'll be back. but please, please, if you take nothing else away from this whole story, let it be this:
that ciabatta bread deserved better.
UPDATE #7:OMFG!?!
someone please check my blood pressure bc my heart is pounding and NOT in that "i have glorious news" way.
y'all, i heard this dude wrote ANOTHER STUPENDOUSLY SHI**Y BOOK!! this can't be true!! please, please, PUH-LESE someone, anyone, tell me this isn't real!! i mean, the AUDACITY!! the ABSOLUTE NERVE!! i don't wanna believe this but if my far-away observations of this guy are any real indication of his character, then i guess we shouldn't be surprised.
and listen, you didn't hear it from me but word on the street is: his new book early departures (what a stupid title btw! i mean, what?!) is so dreadful it has already forcibly induced spontaneous vomiting!!
GUYS, i'm not even joking. you know i wouldn't say it if it weren't true and easily fact-checkable. so, all i'm saying is, if you wanna avoid throwing up all over yourself, you better give this supernaturally-terrible book wide berth.
i haven't read it yet--and the only reason i'm going to is so i can verify the nausea (no, i'm not brave, just tryna be strong for you guys!)--but i have definitely read this author's guy's face at the coffee shop he frequents & let me tell you, it has one permanent expression: SMUG AF!! which, dude, you wrote a SUPER MEDIOCRE debut so i don't understand how in the world u could look so self-satisfied. talk about obliviousness! let's see him keep that same energy when his next book causes a GLOBAL STOMACHACHE EPIDEMIC--i bet he won't even acknowledge the increase in stomach viruses we're gonna see. i hear the CDC is already prepping vaccines, so...
here's the silver lining tho: if THIS guy can be a published author, there's hope for all of us!!
anyway i guess stayed tuned for updates. more BIG feels coming soon!